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The Devastating Impact of Post-Separation Stalking

By
Samara Knight
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post-separation stalking

Post-separation stalking is a deeply distressing reality for many survivors of domestic violence. It occurs when an abuser refuses to relinquish control after the relationship has ended, subjecting their former partner to relentless monitoring, intimidation, and harassment. For many survivors, escaping an abusive relationship does not mark the end of their suffering—it signals the beginning of a terrifying new chapter where they are constantly surveilled, followed, and threatened.

Understanding Post-Separation Stalking

Post-separation stalking is a coercive tactic used by abusers to maintain dominance and control over their victims. It can take many forms, including in-person surveillance, cyberstalking, tracking devices, and even using others to monitor or threaten the survivor. Victims often feel trapped, unable to live freely or without fear of being watched.

Survivors describe this experience as a persistent psychological terror: “It felt like I was living in a cage with invisible bars. Every step I took, every message I sent, every place I visited—he knew. I stopped going out, stopped talking to people, even changed my routines, but nothing made it stop. It was like being hunted. I was always afraid of what he might do next.”

Another survivor recounted: “I increasingly became aware that he monitored my phone usage, having messages pop up whilst I was online, commenting on a restless night if I’d been awake. He’d turn up at my home or where I was dog walking or riding. But I dismissed them as ‘happy’ coincidences. Now, I realize I was being tracked.”

The Alarming Prevalence of Post-Separation Stalking

The statistics surrounding post-separation stalking reveal the dangerous reality that many survivors face. A 2024 report by the Domestic Violence Death Review Team (DVDRT) in Australia found that stalking was a contributing factor in nearly three-quarters of cases where women were murdered by an ex-partner. Additionally, nearly two-thirds of the 244 domestic violence-related homicides analyzed involved a woman being killed during or shortly after a separation.

In the United States, the issue is equally dire. The Stalking Prevention Awareness and Resource Center reported that 40% of stalking victims are targeted by a current or former intimate partner. Of those stalked by a former partner, 74% had previously experienced violence or coercive control in the relationship.

These statistics likely underestimate the true scale of the problem, as many survivors do not report their experiences out of fear that authorities will dismiss or ignore their concerns.

Survivors Speak Out: The Endless Fear

For those subjected to post-separation stalking, the trauma does not end when the relationship is over. Instead, abusers continue to find ways to exert power, making every aspect of their victims’ lives feel unsafe.

One survivor described the suffocating restrictions imposed on her: “I can’t leave the house unless I’m with him. If people come over, they aren’t allowed to use the front door. I’m padlocked inside, he has the only key. My windows are screwed shut, no bathroom door. I’m being voice recorded 24/7. Everything I need has to come from him, and I don’t always get it. I can’t visit my mother or even be alone with my daughter.”

Others face direct physical danger and home intrusions: “He literally tried to force open the bars on the doors and windows of my rental cottage. He said he was only doing it because I ‘needed dog food’ and he was bringing me some. It was 2 a.m.”

Another woman shared her chilling experience: “No matter where I went, he was there—lurking just out of reach, but close enough to remind me he was watching. I’d see his car parked near my job, get messages commenting on places I had just been, and even mutual acquaintances would casually drop hints that he ‘knew’ what I was up to. It was relentless, like a shadow I could never escape.”

The Psychological Toll of Post-Separation Stalking

The ongoing fear and stress caused by post-separation stalking have devastating effects on survivors’ mental health. Many experience severe anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as a result of the continuous harassment and threats.

One woman recounted: “I moved from Kentucky to Boston and he flew up there and called me. It’s been 10 years, and he persists. Insane.”

Another survivor described the lasting trauma: “My ex-boyfriend from high school came halfway across the country to stalk me in college after I broke up with him. He got a job working for my landlord and had access to my apartment. He’d follow me, and he came to my door in the middle of the night. It took years to shake off the trauma, and I still feel like I have to be careful.”

One woman shared her exhaustion from living in constant fear: “I just want to get divorced and never, ever want to see or hear from him again. I gave all of me to someone who didn’t deserve it. I am healing, slowly rebuilding myself, but the fear never really leaves.”

Technology as a Tool for Stalkers

In today’s digital world, technology has made post-separation stalking even more pervasive. Abusers frequently use spyware, hacked accounts, GPS tracking, and smart home devices to continue their control.

One survivor explained: “His phone was permanently logged into my Find My Phone so he could see where I was at all times. The login details for every app on my phone were also on his phone. Every text I sent also went straight to his phone.”

Another shared: “Mine hacked into the account of the new business I started and sent himself emails from there and some of my accounts. He admits it in court. He tells the court I must return home. He thinks he is untouchable.”

A third described extreme digital surveillance: “My ex checked the satnav in my car, opened all my post without permission, and installed covert cameras around the property. He took 30 pages of screenshots of my social media posts to claim slander and defamation.”

Post-separation stalking is a serious crime that requires urgent attention. Survivors should not have to live in fear while the legal system fails to hold their abusers accountable. Stronger laws, improved police response, and enhanced survivor protections are essential.

Many survivors report that legal measures, such as restraining orders, offer little protection: “He sat on his motorcycle just far enough away from restraining order distance with a scarf covering his mouth. He broke into my place through a window he knew was old, left flowers, candy, and a card. When I put up a camera, he would routinely come by and wave at it. The police did nothing.”

To combat post-separation stalking, authorities must take survivor reports seriously, enforce stricter penalties, and implement better digital protections. Restraining orders alone are often not enough—more comprehensive safety measures must be in place.

Breaking the Cycle of Fear

For too many survivors, post-separation stalking prevents them from moving forward. They remain trapped in fear, unable to reclaim their independence. Raising awareness and advocating for stronger protections is crucial in breaking this cycle of control and terror.

No survivor should be left to fend for themselves while their abuser remains free to torment them. It is time to recognize post-separation stalking for the serious and life-altering crime that it is—and to take action to ensure survivors are truly free.

Featured image: Post-separation stalking. Source: Joerch / Adobe Stock.

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.

Kyle Clifford Found Guilty of Raping Ex-Girlfriend Before Triple Murder

By
Samara Knight
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Kyle Clifford raped Louise Hunt

Kyle Clifford, a former soldier, has been found guilty of raping his ex-girlfriend, Louise Hunt, in an act of coercive control and spite before murdering her, her sister, and their mother in a carefully planned attack. Despite admitting to the triple murder, he denied the rape charge, a claim that was ultimately rejected by a jury after just 45 minutes of deliberation.

The case has reignited discussions about the dangers of coercive control and male violence against women, with experts calling it a horrifying example of misogyny taken to its most extreme and fatal conclusion.

The Murders That Shocked the Nation

On July 9, 2024, 26-year-old Kyle Clifford broke into the home of his ex-girlfriend’s family in Bushey, Hertfordshire, armed with a crossbow, a 10-inch butcher’s knife, and duct tape. Within minutes, he brutally murdered 61-year-old Carol Hunt before waiting for Louise, 25, to return home. He restrained, gagged, and raped her before killing her with a crossbow. Hours later, her sister Hannah, 28, was also shot dead upon arriving home.

Clifford’s attack lasted four hours and was meticulously premeditated. Prosecutors revealed that he began planning his revenge just two days after Louise ended their 18-month relationship, furious that she had rejected him and that her family had supported her decision to leave him.

A Clear Pattern of Coercive Control and Misogyny

Prosecutors highlighted that Clifford’s crimes were not just about violence but were an extreme manifestation of coercive control.

“Louise was not going to be allowed by him to control the narrative. If he wanted Louise, he would have her, he would control her, he would rape her, and he would murder her and members of her family,” said Alison Morgan KC during her closing speech [via The Guardian].

His actions followed a pattern common in domestic abuse cases—using control, intimidation, and sexual violence as weapons against a partner who dared to leave. Studies show that when an abuser loses control over their victim, the risk of escalating violence, including homicide, dramatically increases.

Influence of Misogynistic Ideology

Clifford’s obsession with violent misogyny was further evidenced by his internet activity in the days leading up to the murders. Less than 24 hours before the attack, he was searching for content from Andrew Tate, a controversial influencer known for promoting sexist and misogynistic views.

Although the judge ruled that this evidence was of limited relevance and excluded it from the trial, the prosecution argued that Clifford’s fascination with misogynistic rhetoric explained his escalating rage and sense of entitlement over Louise.

“He saw her rejection as humiliation,” Morgan KC explained. He was angered, and that anger involved the planning of sexual violence as a means of acting out of spite in a final act before Louise Hunt’s death” [via The Guardian].

While not all men who consume misogynistic content commit violent crimes, experts warn that such material can reinforce dangerous attitudes about male entitlement and control over women.

A Cowardly Refusal to Face Justice

Sky News reported that throughout the trial, Clifford refused to attend court proceedings or give any testimony. He had previously pleaded guilty to the murders but continued to deny the rape charge, claiming that the DNA evidence found on Louise’s body was from consensual sex 16 days earlier. His defense team’s arguments were swiftly rejected by the jury.

After the attack, Clifford attempted to flee but was found the next day in Lavender Hill Cemetery in Enfield, having shot himself in the chest with a crossbow in an apparent suicide attempt. As a result of his self-inflicted injuries, he was left paralyzed from the chest down and is now confined to a wheelchair.

Judge Mr. Justice Bennathan condemned Clifford’s refusal to face the court and described his actions as “an act of complete cowardice.”

A Life Sentence for a Calculated Killer

Clifford will receive a mandatory life sentence when he is sentenced on Tuesday. Given the premeditation, sexual violence, and extreme brutality of his crimes, legal experts expect that he will receive a whole-life order, meaning he will never be eligible for parole.

According to The Guardian, Lisa Kiff, a senior crown prosecutor, described Clifford’s actions as among “the worst” she had ever encountered in her career. “Kyle Clifford is a murderer and a rapist who carried out a savage act of violence against three women. He now rightly faces a life sentence behind bars.”

Featured image: Hannah Hunt, Louise Hunt, and Carol Hunter. Source: Facebook.

Bodycam Footage of Brian Laundrie Exposes Classic Abuser Tactics

By
Samara Knight
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Brian Laundrie bodycam footage

The harrowing bodycam footage from the Moab City Police Department, showing their response to a domestic disturbance between Brian Laundrie and his fiancée, Gabby Petito, has reignited public outrage. The footage is difficult to watch, not only because of the clear signs of emotional manipulation and abuse but because it was a missed opportunity to intervene and potentially save Gabby’s life. Just two weeks after this encounter, Brian Laundrie brutally murdered Gabby Petito.

With the recent release of American Murder: Gabby Petito on Netflix, the case is once again at the forefront of public consciousness. The documentary highlights the insidious nature of coercive control, a form of psychological abuse that isolates and emotionally traps the victim. What stands out from the footage is how Brian Laundrie deployed classic abuser tactics—including gaslighting, minimization, and DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender)—to manipulate the police and paint himself as the victim while making Gabby appear unstable and culpable.

A Missed Opportunity to Protect Gabby Petito

The Moab City Police were responding to a report from a witness who saw Brian Laundrie hitting Gabby. When police stopped their van, Brian maintained a calm, cooperative, and even jovial demeanor, while Gabby was visibly distraught and crying. The stark contrast in their behaviors played into Brian’s manipulations—he knew how to shift blame and control the narrative.

Despite the fact that two witnesses had seen Brian locking Gabby out of the vehicle while she pleaded to get back in, officers ultimately treated Gabby as the primary aggressor. This is a textbook example of how abusers control situations through emotional manipulation, weaponizing their victim’s distress against them.

Gaslighting and Playing the Victim

One of the most striking elements of the bodycam footage is Brian Laundrie’s use of gaslighting—a psychological manipulation tactic in which an abuser makes their victim question their own reality, memory, or perception. Gaslighters often distort events, deny wrongdoing, and shift blame onto their victim to maintain control. Over time, this leads to self-doubt, confusion, and a growing sense of instability in the victim.

Throughout the encounter, Brian appears calm and composed, even making casual conversation with officers. Meanwhile, Gabby is visibly distressed, repeatedly blaming herself and downplaying Brian’s actions. This contrast plays directly into gaslighting tactics, as abusers often present themselves as the rational, reasonable party while their victim appears emotional or erratic—making it easier to discredit them.

Brian repeatedly tells the officers that Gabby was “worked up” and that she needed to “calm down,” reinforcing the idea that her distress was excessive or irrational. By doing so, he subtly frames her as unstable rather than someone reacting appropriately to being mistreated.

Gabby’s response of self-blame is a classic sign of someone who has endured relentless gaslighting. She repeatedly takes responsibility for the conflict, saying, “I was being mean to him.” Victims of gaslighting often internalize blame, believing that if they were just “better” or behaved differently, the abuse would stop. This response shows how deeply Brian’s manipulation had taken hold—Gabby had been conditioned to see herself as the problem rather than recognizing Brian’s abusive behavior.

Minimization

Brian’s statements throughout the footage minimize the severity of the incident:

  • “We just had a little disagreement.”
  • “I wouldn’t even call it a disagreement.”
  • “She was just getting a little worked up.”

His choice of words is deliberate. By minimizing the situation, he not only avoids accountability but also steers the police away from recognizing the danger Gabby was in. This is a common abuser tactic—shifting focus away from their own actions while subtly discrediting the victim.

The Use of DARVO to Manipulate the Police

DARVO—Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender—is a well-documented manipulation strategy used by abusers to shift blame. Brian Laundrie executed this tactic flawlessly during his interaction with police.

Deny:

Brian repeatedly denied being physically aggressive, insisting that he was merely trying to “calm her down.” Despite Gabby showing the officers marks on her face from where Brian had grabbed her, Brian dismissed any notion of abuse, saying, “I wasn’t upset with her, she just got a bit worked up.”

Attack:

Rather than acknowledging his own violent behavior, Brian subtly attacked Gabby’s credibility. He framed her emotional distress as irrational, making statements such as, “She was swinging at me with a lot of nails, a lot of rings.” By focusing on her reaction rather than his own actions, he painted a misleading picture of the situation.

Reverse Victim and Offender:

Brian successfully reversed their roles in the eyes of law enforcement. The officers, instead of recognizing Gabby as the abuse victim, treated Brian as the one in need of protection. In a shocking exchange, one officer even says, “It sounds to me like she is the primary aggressor.” Another adds, “There is injury too, to the victim, which is him.”

To make matters worse, a police officer directly validated Brian’s version of events, saying, “So you just pushed her back to create a bit of distance, right?” This question subtly reinforced Brian’s narrative and minimized Gabby’s distress, further solidifying the officers’ perception of him as the victim.

A Tragic Outcome

Despite visible evidence of Brian’s aggression, the police ultimately sided with him, sending him to a hotel for domestic violence victims while leaving Gabby alone in their van. This decision, tragically, contributed to the chain of events leading to her murder just two weeks later.

Gabby Petito’s death was not an isolated tragedy—it was the predictable outcome of a system that too often fails victims of domestic abuse. The bodycam footage serves as a devastating reminder that abusers know how to manipulate authority figures, and when those in power fail to recognize the signs, the consequences can be fatal.

Featured image: Brian Laundrie on bodycam footage. Source: YouTube Screenshot / Fox 13 Tampa Bay.

Joanne’s Story: Recognizing the Red Flags of Abuse Before It’s Too Late (Video)

By
Samara Knight
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surviving an abusive relationship

Online dating can feel like a fresh start, a chance to meet someone who truly understands you. That’s what Joanne thought when she met her partner—a man who seemed intelligent, kind, and deeply interested in her. At first, he was everything she had hoped for, a great listener who made her feel special. But over time, his questions became interrogations, his affection turned to control, and his love came with conditions. The emotional abuse started subtly, but it quickly escalated into a cycle of manipulation, accusations, and gaslighting.

Like many survivors of abusive relationships, Joanne didn’t recognize the warning signs at first. By the time she moved in with him, she was trapped in a cycle of highs and lows—long stretches of what seemed like happiness, followed by sudden outbursts of anger and degrading insults. He monitored her phone, questioned her past, and slowly made her feel like she was the problem. When he slammed his fist into a cabinet during an argument, she realized things were escalating, but leaving still felt impossible. Surviving an abusive relationship wasn’t just about enduring the bad moments—it was about navigating the fear, confusion, self-doubt, and financial dependence that made escape feel unreachable.

Her turning point came when she read an article about emotional abuse and that is what she was experiencing. It described exactly what she was going through—the shame, the self-doubt, the constant feeling of walking on eggshells. She saw that it wasn’t her fault, and that she needed to leave.

Joanne had a lucky break when a pension payout gave her the financial means to start over. She secured a job, confided in a friend, and made a plan to leave. Today, Joanne shares her story to help others recognize the red flags of abuse before they get trapped in the same cycle. She wants others to know that surviving an abusive relationship is painful, but it is possible—and there is life on the other side of it.

Featured image: Joanne tells her story of surviving an abusive relationship. Source: YouTube Screenshot / MJB Productions.

Why Do People Blame Domestic Abuse Victims?

By
Samara Knight
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why people blame abuse victims

Survivors of domestic abuse often face a second layer of harm after leaving their abuser—judgment and blame from others. Instead of receiving support and validation, they are met with questions like, “Why did you allow him to treat you like that?” or “Why didn’t you leave sooner?” Others make dismissive statements such as, “I would never have tolerated that,” or “He would have met an early grave if he dared to treat me like that.”

Victim-blaming is a widespread and deeply damaging response to abuse. It includes the belief that the victim provoked the abuse, could have prevented it by making different choices, or somehow “allowed” it to happen. These attitudes not only invalidate the survivor’s experience but also contribute to their trauma, making healing even harder.

But why do people blame victims instead of holding abusers accountable? The reasons are complex and often rooted in psychological biases, societal myths, and personal discomfort. Understanding these reasons can help us challenge victim-blaming attitudes and create a more supportive environment for survivors.

The Harmful Impact of Victim-Blaming

Victim-blaming is not just unfair—it is profoundly harmful. Instead of offering support, it shames and judges survivors, making them feel responsible for their own abuse. It minimizes and invalidates their experience, reinforcing the self-doubt that many already struggle with due to the manipulation they endured. Being blamed can also be re-traumatizing, forcing them to relive their pain without the validation or support they need to heal.

This kind of judgment adds to their isolation, making them feel like no one understands or believes them, which can discourage them from seeking help out of fear of being judged further. Victim-blaming also silences survivors, allowing abusers to continue unchecked, as it shifts the focus away from the abuser’s actions and onto the victim. The emotional toll of this blame can be severe, exacerbating mental health struggles such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, and even suicidal thoughts.

For many survivors, escaping abuse is only the first battle—navigating the judgment, stigma, and misunderstanding that follow can be just as painful.

Why Do People Blame Domestic Abuse Victims?

There are many factors that contribute to victim-blaming. Here are some of the most common ones:

  1. The Need to Feel Safe and in Control – Many people like to believe they are in full control of their lives and that abuse only happens to those who “allow it” or make bad choices. Victim-blaming provides a false sense of security—it allows them to believe they are different, smarter, or stronger, and therefore immune to abuse. This illusion distances them from the unsettling reality that abusers are skilled manipulators who can entrap anyone, regardless of strength or intelligence.
  • Myths and Stereotypes About Abuse – Many people have a narrow idea of what abuse looks like. They expect abusers to be obviously violent and victims to be weak and helpless. If a situation does not fit their expectations—such as a well-dressed, charming abuser or a strong, independent victim—they may struggle to believe it. These myths make it harder for people to recognize abuse when it happens, even in their own lives.
  • Discomfort and Denial – When someone learns that a person they know and trust is an abuser, it creates extreme discomfort. It is much easier to believe that the victim is exaggerating, lying, or at fault than to accept that a friend, family member, or respected figure is capable of such harm. This denial protects their own sense of security but comes at the cost of further harming the survivor.
  • The “Just-World” Bias – Psychologists describe the ‘just-world hypothesis’ as the belief that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. This mindset makes people assume that victims must have done something to deserve their abuse—because accepting that harm can happen randomly is too unsettling. In reality, abuse is never about what the victim did or did not do; it is about the abuser’s choice to harm.
  • The Fundamental Attribution Error – This psychological bias causes people to blame an individual’s character for their situation rather than considering external circumstances. In the case of domestic abuse, people assume the victim stayed because they are weak, naive, or lacking self-respect, rather than recognizing the immense external pressures—such as financial dependence, isolation, or psychological manipulation—that kept them trapped.
  • Hindsight Bias – After learning about an abusive situation, people tend to believe the warning signs should have been obvious. “She should have known,” or “Surely there were red flags there from the beginning.” This hindsight bias makes it seem like victims should have predicted and prevented the abuse when abusers actually do everything in their power to hide their true nature until the victim is deeply entangled.
  • Lack of Empathy – Some people simply struggle to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. They minimize emotional pain, dismiss others’ experiences, and assume that if they haven’t lived it, it must not be real. People with low empathy are more likely to say things like, “You should have known better,” instead of trying to understand how the victim was manipulated or trapped.

Victims Don’t “Allow” Abuse—They Endure It to Survive

One of the biggest misconceptions about abuse is that victims “allow” it to happen. This could not be further from the truth.

Survivors do not “tolerate” or “put up with” abuse—they endure it to survive. Abusers use coercive control to trap their victims, making it incredibly difficult to leave. Some of the many reasons survivors stay include:

  • Financial dependence – Many victims have no money of their own, no access to accounts, and no way to support themselves if they leave.
  • Lack of safe housing – Shelters are often full, and many victims have nowhere else to go.
  • Isolation – Abusers cut their victims off from friends and family, making them feel completely alone.
  • Psychological manipulation – Gaslighting, guilt, and emotional abuse make victims believe the situation is their fault or that things will get better.
  • Fear – Leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. Many victims fear severe retaliation, including violence or threats to their children.

Abuse is not just about physical harm—it is about power and control. The psychological chains of coercive control can be just as strong as physical ones, making escape incredibly difficult.

Blame the Abuser, Not the Victim

A victim is never responsible for the actions of their abuser. Instead of asking, “Why didn’t they leave?” we should be asking, “Why did the abuser trap them? How did they manipulate, isolate, and control them?”

Survivors deserve support, belief, and safety, not judgment. By challenging victim-blaming attitudes and shifting the focus onto abusers, we can create a world where survivors are empowered to heal, seek help, and reclaim their lives—without shame.

Featured Image: The reasons why people blame victims range from societal myths to psychological biases and personal discomfort. Source: fizkes / Adobe Stock

The Tragic Signs of Coercive Control in Gabby Petito’s Story

By
Samara Knight
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American Murder Gabby Petito

The recent release of American Murder: Gabby Petito on Netflix has once again drawn attention to the heartbreaking case of Gabby Petito, the 22-year-old travel vlogger who was brutally murdered by her fiancé, Brian Laundrie. Her story is a devastating example of coercive control in action.

Watching Gabby’s transformation through her videos, texts, and accounts from friends and family is deeply unsettling and heartbreaking. She started as a confident, adventurous young woman, full of life and dreams, and over time, we see her become more anxious, withdrawn, and trapped in a relationship that was systematically breaking her down. By the time she realized she needed to escape, she was already ensnared in a cycle of control that would ultimately cost her life.

Through her videos, messages, and the testimony of those close to her, we can see the clear signs of coercive control at play. Below are ten warning signs that were evident in Gabby’s relationship with Brian—red flags that, in hindsight, reveal just how dangerous the situation had become.

1. Love-Bombing and a Fast-Paced Relationship

Brian and Gabby’s relationship moved very quickly. He showered her with attention early on, and within months, she had moved from her home in New York to live with him in Florida. Love-bombing is a tactic where an abuser overwhelms their partner with intense affection and promises of a perfect future, creating a deep emotional attachment. But this attachment is built on manipulation and dependency, not genuine love. It sets the stage for later control by making the victim feel like they have found “the one” and should overlook early red flags.

2. Isolating Her from Family and Friends

Gabby worked at Taco Bell for a time, where she found both financial independence and a social life outside of Brian. But instead of supporting her, he resented it. He belittled her job, calling her co-workers “low lifes,” and he grew increasingly angry at her being around other people. When she started going out with friends after work, his behavior escalated. The solution? He proposed the road trip—a seemingly romantic adventure that, in reality, was a way to isolate her and cut her off from her support system, keeping her completely dependent on him.

3. Verbal Abuse and Belittling

Brian didn’t just control Gabby; he diminished her. Text messages revealed in the documentary show him calling her “fucking disgusting.” Verbal abuse like this is designed to wear down a person’s self-esteem, making them feel unworthy and incapable of leaving. Brian frequently berated her and made her feel like she was always in the wrong, reinforcing his dominance over her. Over time, Gabby internalized this treatment, often blaming herself and trying to “fix” things by walking on eggshells around Brian. This kind of abuse creates a state of chronic stress and anxiety, making it even harder for the victim to recognize how toxic the situation has become.

4. Sabotaging Her Independence

On one occasion, Brian stole Gabby’s wallet with her ID so she couldn’t go out dancing with her friend. This was a deliberate attempt to limit her freedom and reinforce his control. Taking away a partner’s access to money, transportation, or identification is a common tactic in abusive relationships, making it harder for them to function without the abuser’s permission. This action was a way to remind Gabby that she had no autonomy, no ability to make her own choices without his approval. Small acts of sabotage like this accumulate over time, leaving victims feeling like escape is impossible.

5. Physical Intimidation and Violence

Abuse often escalates from control to physical violence, which sadly was the case for Gabby. A 911 caller reported seeing Brian hitting Gabby in public. She later took a photo of herself with a bruise on her face—evidence of what she was enduring behind closed doors. The signs were there, but like so many victims, she tried to downplay them. Physical intimidation doesn’t always involve hitting—sometimes it’s throwing things, blocking a doorway, or using body language to make the victim feel trapped. Brian’s aggression toward Gabby escalated over time, and each instance reinforced that she was not in control of her own life. The fear of physical harm often keeps victims compliant, afraid to challenge or leave their abuser.

6. Gaslighting and DARVO

Gaslighting is when an abuser manipulates someone into doubting their own reality. Brian was an expert at it. The now-infamous police bodycam footage from Moab, Utah, shows this in action. When officers stopped their van after reports of a domestic disturbance, Brian played the role of the calm, rational victim while Gabby was in distress. He told police that he simply “pushed” her because he was trying to “calm her down” and that she was the one hitting him.

This is a textbook example of DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim, and Offender) —he denied any real wrongdoing, attacked Gabby’s credibility by making her seem unstable, and reversed their roles so he appeared to be the one who needed protection.

The police fell for it. They put him in a hotel for domestic violence victims while leaving her alone in her van—the actual victim left to fend for herself. And in a heartbreaking moment, Gabby blamed herself, saying she was “mean” to Brian. This response is incredibly common in abusive relationships. It’s known as trauma bonding—the victim becomes emotionally bonded to their abuser and takes responsibility for the abuser’s actions.

7. Undermining Her Dreams

Gabby was passionate about travel blogging, but Brian didn’t believe in her dream. He dismissed her ambitions, making her doubt herself. In the police footage, she breaks down while talking about her blog, saying that Brian didn’t think she could succeed. This kind of discouragement serves a purpose: it keeps the victim from seeing a life beyond the relationship.

8. Playing the Victim

Brian constantly positioned himself as the one suffering, turning even Gabby’s emotions into a burden and making her feel guilty for expressing distress. This manipulation forced her into a caretaker role, where she felt responsible for keeping him happy to avoid conflict. Over time, her focus shifted from her own well-being to managing his moods, leaving her emotionally drained and vulnerable.

Text messages from Gabby revealed that she frequently expressed feeling like she didn’t deserve Brian. This wasn’t a reflection of reality—it was the result of his emotional manipulation. Brian reinforced the idea that she was lucky to have him, rather than the other way around. Abusers who play the victim use self-pity as a weapon, acting wounded or misunderstood to make their partner feel obligated to stay and “fix” things. This emotional blackmail created a cycle where Gabby prioritized his needs above her own safety and happiness.

9. Making Escape Feel Impossible

Gabby reached out to her ex-boyfriend Jackson, hinting that she had a “plan” to get away. This tells us she already knew that leaving Brian wasn’t going to be simple. Victims of coercive control often stay because they fear the consequences of trying to leave. Many abusers escalate their behavior when they sense they’re losing control, and tragically, this is often when the danger is greatest.

10. Constant Monitoring and Surveillance

Gabby’s friend Rose shared an early red flag: when she first met Brian, they were on a beach, and he sat watching them the entire time. Rose described it as feeling like Brian was a parent watching over his children on a playdate. This behavior—keeping a constant eye on her, even when she was just with a friend—is surveillance disguised as protection. It’s about control, making sure she wasn’t interacting with anyone in a way that he couldn’t oversee or influence.

The Takeaway

Gabby’s story, as told on American Murder: Gabby Petito is both heartbreaking and a crucial warning. Coercive control isn’t always easy to recognize, especially when it doesn’t start with physical violence. But the patterns are there—love-bombing, isolation, belittling, sabotage, manipulation, and eventually, escalation.

We need to recognize these signs, not just for ourselves but for the people around us. Coercive control thrives in secrecy, and sometimes, just one person noticing and believing the victim can make all the difference.

Gabby Petito’s life was tragically stolen from her, but her story has reached the world and helped many women recognize the signs of coercive control before it was too late.

Featured image: Gabby Petito. Source: YouTube Screenshot / ABC News.

Journey of a Survivor: Breaking Free from Abuse

By
shadowsofcontrol
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journey of a survivor

At the start of my marriage, the control seemed small—almost unnoticeable. Our first Christmas as a married couple, I wanted to buy my parents a meaningful gift to thank them for all they had done for our wedding. My mother had been wanting a specific name-brand item, and I knew it would be perfect for them. But my husband said it was too expensive and convinced me to buy a cheaper version from Walmart instead. Before marriage, I had been generous with gift-giving, but once we were together, I found myself adopting his miserly mindset. Looking back, I think money was the first way he controlled me.

Forced Dependence

His control didn’t stop with money. He convinced me to put aside my degrees and become a full-time stay-at-home mom. I loved being home with my children, but he became a constant critic.

Years later, he began accusing me of mooching off him, saying I wasn’t contributing to our family—even though I took care of everything in the household, including homeschooling our kids.

When I finally sought employment outside the home, he turned that against me too, calling my job selfish and accusing me of neglecting my family. Because he repeatedly called me a mooch, I made a point to spend only the money I earned—not his. But even that wasn’t good enough. He said my refusal to spend his money was stubborn and prideful.

Escalating Abuse and Fear

When I resisted his financial control, his manipulation escalated. He would lecture me for hours, telling me we needed to divorce, but if I ever hinted that I might agree, he would suddenly flip—screaming at me for not fighting for our marriage. But these were not the worst parts.

There were the death threats. The nights of drunken, high-speed, erratic driving with our entire family in the car. The hours-long screaming sessions filled with every cuss word imaginable. The accusations, the spitting in my face, the threats with his words, with his body, with his gun.

He chased me through the house, down the driveway, pounded on the glass as I tried to leave. He ripped down the shower curtain mid-shower just to scream at me while I stood there, naked and shivering.

He violated my body, forcing himself on me even when I resisted, ignoring my clear refusals as if my consent didn’t matter.

He threatened to hurt or kill our pets. He threatened to kill himself. He threatened to kill all of us. He stalked me, making it impossible to ever feel truly free.

The Long Road to Healing

I hate what became of our marriage. I hate that I tolerated his abuse for so long without even recognizing what it was. I hate that my children had to witness their father hurting their mother over and over again. I hate how hard it was to leave. I hate that I am still afraid to divorce him. I hate that I gave the best parts of myself to someone who only ever saw me as a possession. I hate that he still tries to control me through spiritual guilt, money, and our children.

But I also love what has come after. I love that God opened my eyes and helped me recognize that my marriage was unhealthy. I love that He gave me the strength to escape and sent me supportive friends along the way. I love that I have a counselor who has helped me recognize truth and set boundaries for my safety. I love that I am healing. I love that I am stronger than I used to be. I love the peace I feel. And I love my fellow survivors, and I pray for healing, peace, and safety for each of you.

Featured image: This is the journey of a survivor. Source: primipil / Adobe Stock.

By Journey Of A Survivor (Bluesky: @persevere-after.bsky.social)

Leaving is Just the Beginning: Lisa Shares Harsh Reality of Escaping Domestic Abuse (Video)

By
Samara Knight
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escaping domestic abuse

Many people assume that leaving an abusive relationship is the end of the struggle, but for survivors like Lisa, it’s just the beginning of an uphill battle. The challenges don’t stop once they walk out the door—many face financial insecurity, legal setbacks, unstable housing, and the long road to rebuilding a life. Lisa and her children had to start over from scratch, sleeping on mattresses in a nearly empty home. Yet, even in those difficult conditions, they felt safer than they ever had before. This is the reality many fail to understand: escaping the abuser is just the first step—surviving what comes next is another fight entirely.

Lisa’s experience highlights the systemic failures that make leaving so difficult. The court system and restraining orders did little to ensure her long-term safety. Without adequate support, she was forced to endure more cycles of manipulation and violence. Even after finally leaving, she found herself in a shelter system that was not always safe or supportive. For many survivors, stepping away from an abusive relationship often means stepping into a world of uncertainty and struggle, making it all the more daunting to leave in the first place.

Financial control is another major barrier, and Lisa’s story illustrates this clearly. Even when her abuser was thousands of miles away in Afghanistan, he still dictated her life through financial manipulation, deciding what she could and couldn’t spend money on. Despite these obstacles, Lisa took the bold step of putting herself through nursing school, even when he tried to sabotage her education. Her determination to break free and build a stable future for herself and her children shows the incredible strength survivors must have just to reclaim their independence.

Lisa’s story is a direct response to the common question, “Why don’t you just leave?” Her experience makes it clear that leaving is far from simple. Survivors don’t just have to escape abuse—they have to rebuild their lives while navigating a system that often fails them. This reality is what so many people fail to understand: leaving an abusive relationship isn’t just about walking out the door—it’s about surviving what comes after.

Featured image: Lisa shares her story of escaping domestic abuse. Source: YouTube Screenshot / MJB Productions.

TV Star Charles Hanson on Trial for Domestic Violence & Coercive Control

By
Samara Knight
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Charles Hanson coercive control

Antiques expert and television personality Charles Hanson has been accused of domestic abuse, coercive control, and physical violence against his wife over a decade-long period. The allegations paint a disturbing picture of manipulation, psychological control, and repeated instances of violence within their marriage.

Sky News reports that the 45-year-old arrived at Derby Crown Court on February 10 as he faced charges stemming from a domestic incident reported to police at his £1.5 million home in Derbyshire, England, in June 2023.

Hanson, widely recognized for his appearances on Bargain Hunt, Flog It! and Antiques Road Trip, has denied all charges, which include controlling or coercive behaviour between 2015 and 2023, assault occasioning actual bodily harm in May 2020, and two counts of assault by beating in 2022 and 2023.

The case highlights the deeply entrenched patterns of coercive control, a form of domestic abuse that is often invisible but profoundly damaging. It involves psychological manipulation, isolation, threats, and domination, making it incredibly difficult for victims to leave.

Allegations of Physical Violence

Rebecca Hanson, who gave her testimony from behind a screen, described several instances of physical violence, including an attack while she was pregnant. She recalled one particularly terrifying incident when her husband allegedly put her in a headlock during an argument.

“I turned around to protect my stomach and my baby. He got me around the throat. He’s behind me with his arm around my throat, tight, with my head back… I froze. I was absolutely petrified and in shock.” [via The BBC]

She described how Hanson seemed momentarily shocked at what he had done, but the abuse did not stop there. She spoke of years of enduring controlling behaviour, being physically attacked, and manipulated into believing things would change.

On another occasion, May 2021, Mrs Hanson alleged that her husband “threatened to put burning embers from the fire” on her. She took photographs of her injuries and documented his behaviour, later showing her father evidence of bruising.

Coercive Control: The ‘Invisible’ Form of Abuse

Beyond the physical violence, Rebecca Hanson also detailed how her husband used coercive control to dominate her life. Coercive control is a strategic form of abuse where an individual exerts power over another person through fear, isolation, and manipulation.

Mrs Hanson described how her husband made decisions without her consent, disregarded her wishes, and used mind games to assert dominance.

One of the reasons coercive control is so insidious is that it keeps victims trapped in an invisible cage. The psychological impact of constant belittlement, fear, and control can be just as damaging as physical violence.

Mrs Hanson detailed how her husband’s actions made her feel as though she was losing control over her own life, with her ability to make decisions or stand up for herself being gradually eroded over time.

Why Victims Stay Silent

One of the critical issues in domestic abuse cases is why victims often do not call the police or seek immediate help. When questioned about why she did not report Hanson earlier, Mrs Hanson explained the psychological traps that keep victims from leaving abusive relationships.

“I always say ‘I’m going to call the police,’ and he knows I never will. He apologises and says he will never do it again. You think it’s going to get better. It just goes on and on and on.” [via The BBC.]

Her statement reflects a common cycle in abusive relationships: the abuser inflicts harm, apologizes, makes promises of change, and the victim, hoping for things to improve, chooses to stay—only for the cycle to repeat.

This cycle is further reinforced by gaslighting, a tactic where the abuser manipulates the victim into doubting their own perceptions and experiences. When Mrs Hanson described his abusive behaviour, his defense team attempted to portray her as being “selfish, ungrateful, and spiteful”—a classic tactic known as DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender), where abusers deflect blame onto their victims.

In another example of manipulation, Charles Hanson denied choking his wife in a headlock, describing it as giving her a tight and affectionate hug around the shoulder.

The trial against Charles Hanson, which is expected to last up to two weeks, continues.

Featured image: Charles Hanson faces charges of coercive and controlling behaviour. Source: YouTube Screenshot / GBNews.

Small Acts of Freedom that Mean Everything After Abuse

By
Samara Knight
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freedom after abuse

Surviving an abusive relationship isn’t just about getting out—it’s about reclaiming the everyday choices that were once controlled, criticized, or outright forbidden. For many survivors, true freedom isn’t just in the big milestones but in the small, seemingly mundane moments that, after abuse, feel revolutionary. These acts of self-determination aren’t trivial; they represent healing, empowerment, and the return to oneself.

Below are stories from survivors who found joy, peace, and reclaimed their identity in the smallest—but most meaningful—acts of freedom.

The Power to Make Everyday Choices

For years, even the simplest decisions—what to eat, when to sleep, where to go—weren’t theirs to make. Leaving abuse meant rediscovering personal autonomy in the most unexpected ways. One survivor reflected, “I turned the thermostat up when I got cold. Loaded the dishwasher the way I want to. Went to a pizza place I like, even if he didn’t. Shopped at a more expensive grocery store just to get my favorite yogurt. Stayed up as late as I wanted because I wasn’t tired yet.”

Another survivor summed it up perfectly: “Anything I want to do—without apology, permission, or explanation. Small mercies you don’t realize are precious until you discover they’d been taken from you without you noticing.”

Reclaiming Time and Space

Abuse often means walking on eggshells in your own home, shrinking to avoid conflict. Post-abuse freedom means finally taking up space, both physically and emotionally. “Just taking up space in the house—lighting a fire and reading a book in front of it. It’s an amazing feeling to know someone isn’t going to come in the room and yell at me,” one survivor shared.

Another found joy in reclaiming her home, saying, “I bought a candle. Lots of candles. I was never allowed to buy nice things for the house. First thing I did was go and buy candles. On the first anniversary, I bought lots of candles and took them to the police station for the female officers to enjoy.”

Freedom to Enjoy Life Again

When in an abusive relationship, individuals often go years without experiencing genuine joy. After leaving, they slowly rediscover things that once made them happy. “I have fallen back in love with books. During the last several months of my toxic relationship, I didn’t have the brain power to focus on books because I was too busy stressing about how I was being treated,” one woman explained.

Another shared their excitement for an upcoming experience, “I haven’t done it yet, but I’m going to a Taylor Swift concert. Sounds lame, but he would have never let me go.” A third survivor beautifully described her transformation: “I was reborn—I found myself and learned how to laugh until I got the hiccups again. I could actually put my car radio on and sing my lungs out.”

The Freedom to Travel and Explore After Abuse

Abusive partners often control movement, making even short trips difficult. Leaving means finally getting to go where you want, when you want. “I finally got a passport, which I wasn’t allowed to have before! First trip? Italy. It was my first time on a plane. Now I know I’ll be brave enough to travel even further,” one survivor proudly stated.

Another shared, “We’re going on family trips to different places, visiting loved ones, seeing amazing concerts, and even taking the train instead of driving—so liberating.”

Survivors can also find joy in cultural experiences, as one survivor shared, “I had a weekend in NYC to see a play. I went to plays and dance recitals at local universities, including flamenco.”

Rediscovering Connection

Abuse isolates. Freedom means reconnecting—with old friends, new people, and most importantly, with oneself. “I love being able to freely talk to friends and family,” one survivor said. Another shared, “Freedom. Chatting to whoever I want. Self-love. Buying things for myself. Doing things I like. Listening to music wherever I want.”

The ability to reclaim their voice is a powerful moment for many, including one survivor who said, “Speaking when I want, about what I want.” Another survivor reflected, “I didn’t realize how much I had lost myself until I reconnected with an old friend and felt like ‘me’ again for the first time in years. Laughing, reminiscing, and just being seen for who I am—not who he wanted me to be—was life-changing.”

Making a Life for Children

Many survivors leave, not just for themselves, but for their kids. The small moments of childhood joy they can now provide are priceless. One mother described, “We go out now during the holidays! The kids and I actually do stuff, instead of staying indoors all day waiting around for him. Before, we weren’t allowed to do things without him, which meant the kids missed out a lot. Now, we can do whatever we want—they’re getting to have so many experiences!”

Another survivor said one of the things freedom means to them is, “I finally have my own routine and rules for my children.”

Strength Through New Experiences

Survivors prove to themselves every day that they are capable, strong, and free. “After the divorce, I needed to be more outwardly focused, not so stuck on the failure of my marriage. I started doing volunteer work, which led to a leadership training program. The experience showed me how ‘small’ I’d been living because he dominated our life. I’ll always be grateful for how much it expanded my world,” one survivor shared.

Another took on a new challenge, saying, “I abseiled the Spinnaker Tower after losing 1.5 stone.” Others found self-growth in different ways, like one survivor who shared, “I learned new skills, practiced self-love, started taking regular walks on the beach, and even started my own business. In just three and a half months, I’m still losing weight and starting to find myself again.”

Taking Control of Finances

Abusers often control finances, leaving survivors struggling to regain independence. The ability to earn and spend on their own terms is a profound victory. “First time withdrawing my own salary after leaving,” one survivor noted as a sign of their freedom.

Another shared, “For the first time in years, I opened my own bank account—just in my name. No one monitoring my spending, no one questioning my choices. I finally felt like an adult in my own life again.” And for one survivor, financial freedom was as simple as saying, “Spend my own money on myself.”

The Right to Rest and Self-Care

Abuse conditions people to feel guilty for basic self-care. Post-abuse, they learn they deserve rest, pleasure, and care. “Taking time for myself—my hair, eating without being on someone else’s schedule or feeling rushed. I saw very fast how I didn’t know how to take time for myself or what it even felt like,” one survivor shared.

Another said they recognized their freedom to, “Sleep when I’m tired without being called lazy.” And for some, healing has been about learning how to be happy again – as one survivor put it: “To take care of myself, and to be happy.”

Feeling Safe in Their Own Skin

Abuse forces people to suppress emotions, live in fear, and conform to someone else’s rules. Post-abuse, they learn to embrace themselves. “Be MYSELF!” one survivor declared as their expression of how they are free. Another shared how they now feel free to, “Be able to express my emotions and feel things.”

One survivor reflected on a profound shift: “I used to second-guess everything I said, afraid of how he’d react. Now, I speak freely without rehearsing my words in my head first. It feels like I finally have my own voice.” Finally, the most powerful realization of all is a freedom in: “Making my own decisions and life choices.”

Freedom in Every Moment

For survivors, freedom isn’t just about leaving—it’s about reclaiming life in the smallest, most meaningful ways. Every choice made without fear, every moment of joy reclaimed, every step toward self-love and independence is a victory.

Survivors are not just surviving. They are thriving, laughing, singing, dancing, traveling, and embracing every single moment of the lives they fought so hard to take back. And that is everything.

Featured Image: Survivors often find freedom in small acts and choices they make after abuse. Source: tonktiti / Adobe Stock

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.

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