Accusations, especially those that are false or unfounded, are a hallmark of an abusive relationship. That’s mostly because hurling accusations at a partner allows an abusive person to easily shift blame or insecurity from themselves onto their partner. What’s more, it keeps the abuser in a position of power and control. Being accused of something you didn’t do can be confusing and destabilizing, and it’s this confusion that can make it so difficult to get free from an abusive relationship.
Abusers will accuse their partners of just about anything, like accusing you of being the abusive one, accusing you of mistreating them, or even accusing you of doing exactly what it is they’re doing (a tactic called projection). But one of the most insidious and enduring types of accusation in abusive relationships occurs when an intimate partner accuses you of supposed infidelity. Here’s what that looked like in my own marriage.
When Innocence Becomes Suspicion
The first time my ex-husband accused me of flirting with another guy, I was blindsided. We were visiting my parents, and my younger brother dropped by with his friend. I hadn’t been back to my hometown in years, and I enjoyed catching up with the guys, asking about old friends, finding out who was still in town and who had moved away, etc. I engaged in a light-hearted and animated conversation with my brother’s friend, and that was the end of it.
Later, when we were alone, my husband exploded with rage, screaming at me and accusing me of flirting with my brother’s friend. I begged, pleaded, and placated, insisting I was innocent and that I didn’t see him that way at all, I had just been excited to catch up with old friends. But my husband was adamant, absolutely convinced he was right and I was denying it.
After the fight died down, I did a ton of self-reflection. Was I a flirt? Did I have bad intentions? Had I done something wrong? I didn’t realize it at the time, but this would be the first of many, many times I asked myself those questions.
When Accusations Escalate
Over the years, the accusations got worse. Way worse. And oftentimes, they were about things that were sexual in nature. Some were subtle, others not so much. I quickly became a shell of my former self, always wondering when he’d perceived I’d stepped out of line. He’d accuse me of standing too close to his brother, checking out guys everywhere (places like church or restaurants were prime targets for these types of accusations), wearing particular clothes so guys would check me out, buying matching underwear because I had “intentions,” and even standing in our master bathroom with my pants down waiting for a friend of his whom he had invited over for dinner.
When we started having children, he questioned whether they were his or not, and casually mentioned paternity testing for each. I’m often asked why I continued having kids with him, when this intensely abusive dynamic was occurring. I’m not sure I have a clear answer, except that this is exactly what makes abuse so insidious. It happens slowly and grows over time, like a cancer you don’t realize you have.
Yes, I knew my friends’ relationships didn’t look quite like mine, but I still told myself that it was something I was doing wrong that was causing this. Inside, I felt dirty and worthless, and figured I must have a lust for infidelity that only my husband was detecting.
Yes, I truly thought this. That’s how powerful gaslighting can be.
The Long-Term Impact of False Accusations
I started changing myself to avoid these situations. I would steer clear of men in social situations, like my brother-in-law or my friends’ husbands. I would examine the menu or the tabletop in restaurants, fearful that my husband would otherwise detect my “wandering eyes.” I would avoid wearing clothing he might not approve of, particularly things that bordered on “too revealing,” despite being a very modest dresser overall.
In an article titled, “The Psychological Effects of False Accusations in a Relationship,” Douglas Thiel lists the following long-term impacts of being falsely accused of wrongdoing by an intimate partner. These mirror the behaviors I noticed in myself as I stopped trying to defend and started trying to disappear in order to avoid conflict.
People in these situations often start to:
- Feel anxious just existing in public
- Second-guess normal behavior
- Feel shame about their body or sexuality
- Lose confidence and independence
- Feel isolated or “crazy”
If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself in it, I want you to know something I didn’t know then: being repeatedly accused of wrongdoing by your partner does not mean you’re doing something wrong. It means someone is trying to control you through confusion and shame, especially when the accusations are sexual in nature. Healthy relationships are not built on constant suspicion or fear. You deserve trust, autonomy, and the freedom to exist without feeling like your very presence is an offense.
