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Tougher Laws on Coercive Control Introduced in England and Wales

By
Samara Knight
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New law in England and Wales places coercive control on par with other serious domestic abuse offences. Explore the changes and the implications for offenders.

Offenders convicted of coercive or controlling behaviour will now face stricter management under multi-agency public protection arrangements (Mappa) in England and Wales. The change, which comes into effect on Monday, places coercive control on par with other serious domestic abuse offences, such as threats to kill and stalking, according to the Ministry of Justice (MoJ).

The BBC reports that for the first time, individuals sentenced to 12 months or more for coercive control, including suspended sentences, will be automatically managed under Mappa. This means police, probation, prison services, and other agencies are now legally required to work together to monitor and manage these offenders more closely, reducing the risk of reoffending and harm to victims.

The MoJ has stated that evidence shows offenders managed under Mappa have a reoffending rate less than half of the national average. By making coercive control a priority offence under this scheme, the government aims to offer greater protection to survivors and ensure perpetrators are held to account.

What Is Coercive Control?

Coercive control is a psychological form of domestic abuse where an offender uses manipulation, intimidation, humiliation, and threats to dominate and control their victim. Over time, these tactics erode the victim’s independence, often leaving them isolated and unable to escape the abuse.

Since its criminalisation in 2015, coercive control has been increasingly recognised as a key factor in many abusive relationships. It is often used alongside other forms of abuse, including physical, emotional, and financial control.

The law change was introduced in the Victims and Prisoners Act 2024 by the previous government, addressing a longstanding gap in how offenders were monitored. Prior to this, those convicted of coercive control could only be managed at the discretion of authorities, rather than through mandatory arrangements.

Survivors Welcome Tougher Measures but Say More Is Needed

Domestic abuse survivor Samantha Billingham described coercive control as something that “took away her sense of identity, belonging, and purpose.” Even after leaving her abuser, she struggled to rebuild her life and trust people again.

She welcomed the tougher management of offenders but stressed that more work is needed.

“It’s a step in the right direction, but it’s not enough alone. Survivors must be believed and taken seriously when reporting coercive control. Education is key, and awareness is power—we need it in all schools, colleges, and universities. Our young people must learn the early warning signs.” [via the BBC].

Women’s rights organisations have also welcomed the law change while urging the government to ensure survivors receive adequate protection and support.

Women’s Aid chief executive Farah Nazeer highlighted the devastating impact coercive control has on victims.

“Coercive control is a key tool used by perpetrators of domestic abuse. It isolates survivors and makes them dependent on their abuser. It is essential that specialist domestic abuse services, with expertise in abusive behaviours, are routinely included in the Mappa process if survivors are to be properly protected.”

What the New Law Means for Offenders

The new legal measures apply to offenders sentenced to at least 12 months’ imprisonment, including those given suspended sentences or hospital orders for coercive or controlling behaviour in an intimate or family relationship.

Under Mappa, police and probation services will now have to monitor these offenders alongside those convicted of other serious crimes such as violent offences and sexual abuse.

Stronger Protections for Victims

With coercive control now recognised as a high-risk domestic abuse offence, agencies involved in Mappa will be legally required to share information about any increased risk posed by offenders. This will allow authorities to respond more effectively to potential threats, offering greater security to survivors.

Jess Phillips, Minister for Safeguarding and Violence Against Women and Girls, emphasised the significance of this legal change.

“For the first time, under this change to the law, coercive or controlling behaviour is being placed where it belongs—on a par with serious violent offending. This government will continue working to protect victims, support their journey to justice, and hold perpetrators to account.”

Why This Change Matters

For many survivors, leaving an abusive relationship is only the first step. Without proper monitoring, perpetrators often find new ways to harass, manipulate, or exert control over their victims—even after serving a sentence. The inclusion of coercive control under Mappa aims to close this loophole, preventing offenders from continuing their abuse.

Advocates stress that, while legal reforms are crucial, education, early intervention, and specialist support remain essential in tackling coercive control.

By treating coercive control as seriously as physical violence, the justice system sends a clear message: psychological abuse is real, it is dangerous, and it will not be tolerated.

Featured image: Tougher coercive control laws introduced in England and Wales. Source: Shisu_ka / Adobe Stock.

Bianca Censori’s Grammys Outfit Sparks Coercive Control Concerns

By
Samara Knight
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Bianca Censori coercive control

The 2025 Grammy Awards were, as always, a spectacle of music, fashion, and celebrity culture. But one moment in particular has sparked an intense debate that goes far beyond artistic expression. Bianca Censori, the Australian model and wife of Kanye West (now known as Ye), appeared on the red carpet wearing a sheer slip that exposed her naked body. Meanwhile, Ye himself was fully covered in a black T-shirt and trousers.

A clip circulating online shows Ye instructing Bianca to remove the fur coat draped over her shoulders, exposing her barely-there outfit. The exchange, coupled with Bianca’s body language—described by viewers as blank, fearful, and detached—has reignited discussions about Kanye West’s history of control over his partners, with many questioning whether Bianca’s fashion choices are truly her own or a reflection of coercive control.

Where Is the Line Between Style and Control?

Fashion has long been a form of self-expression, and women should have complete autonomy over their bodies and clothing. But fashion magazine Marie Claire raises the question: is Bianca’s exposure a personal choice, or is it another instance of Kanye exerting dominance over his partner under the guise of artistic vision?

Dr. Pam Spurr, a psychologist and relationship expert, took to X (formerly Twitter) to express her concern, writing:

“Kanye West is a WEAK INSECURE brute. With pathological control issues & an unhealthy need to wipe out any ‘sense of self’ Bianca Censori has (her blank staring gaze is tragic). As well as erasing any personal boundaries she might’ve had. Complete coercive control witnessed by all at the Grammys.”

Laura Richards, a leading expert on coercive control, echoed these sentiments on Threads, stating: “This is deeply disturbing. It’s coercive control & indecent exposure. What happens behind closed doors?”

Many on social media shared similar fears, pointing out how Bianca’s vacant expression and compliance mirrored the behavior of individuals in controlling relationships. One X user wrote: “If she was smiling or coy, you could see she was enjoying herself, but she was not. Sad and humiliating.”

Another concerned viewer added: “Someone stage an intervention! This is coercive, controlling behavior, for real. What on EARTH has he said/done to Bianca Censori to make her do this? This is NOT ‘gleeful, attention-seeking exhibitionism’ on her part. She looks terrified.”

Kanye West’s History of Control

The speculation surrounding Bianca’s fashion choices isn’t without precedent. Kanye has a well-documented history of exerting influence over his partners’ appearances.

According to Glamour Magazine, his former wife, Kim Kardashian, has spoken openly about how Kanye took control of her wardrobe, famously telling her she had “the worst style” and gradually transforming her fashion identity. In a 2018 episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kim admitted: “I always thought I had really good style – until I met my husband [Ye] and he told me that I had the worst style.”

Speaking about her first solo styling decisions for the WSJ Awards, Kim revealed: “I was like, how do I wear something that hasn’t been pre-vetted first? I was so nervous at the thought of wearing a ‘bad outfit.’”

This pattern of control appears to have extended to Bianca, whose wardrobe has become increasingly provocative since her relationship with Kanye began. From wearing a pillow as a dress to being seen barefoot in the streets, her fashion choices have become more extreme, leading many to question whether they are truly self-directed.

One X user summed up the concern succinctly: “Bianca Censori is a frightened and abused woman. Don’t look at her naked body that is being paraded around by a toxic, abusive man. Look at her eyes. He has destroyed her soul.”

The Signs of Coercive Control

Coercive control is a recognized form of psychological abuse. It is not about isolated incidents but an ongoing pattern of behavior that strips an individual of their autonomy. It can include:

  • Dictating what a partner wears
  • Monitoring their communication and whereabouts
  • Isolating them from friends and family
  • Humiliating or degrading them in public or private
  • Using threats or pressure to ensure compliance

One X user highlighted this dynamic in Bianca and Kanye’s relationship, writing:

“OMG, this is horrifying. He’s parading her like a piece of meat when he couldn’t be more covered up. A statement of his total dominance and ownership of her (at least in his own head). Coercive control is a criminal offense in my country, and this could be used in a poster advertising that fact.”

Women’s Aid, a UK-based domestic abuse charity, has previously spoken about the dangers of coercive control, stating: “From the color of the lipstick you wear to the clothes on your back and what you think, say, and do, living with a controlling partner means that your decisions are not always your own.”

What Happens Behind Closed Doors?

While neither Kanye nor Bianca has publicly addressed the nature of their styling arrangement, many fear that what is visible in public is only the tip of the iceberg. If Bianca’s outfits are being dictated by Kanye, what else is happening away from the cameras?

The concern surrounding Bianca’s wellbeing is growing, with one X user asking: “How much longer can she be paraded around like this before someone realizes it’s just too much? Someone needs to step up and save her from Kanye’s chaos.”

Coercive control experts warn that it often takes years for victims to recognize they are being controlled, especially when the abuse is not physical but psychological. Many survivors describe a slow erosion of personal boundaries until they are left questioning their own autonomy.

Empowerment or Coercion

There is the crucial distinction between empowerment and coercion. If Bianca Censori is genuinely choosing to express herself in this way, that is her right. But if this is yet another instance of Kanye West exerting dominance under the guise of artistic vision, it demands scrutiny.

A woman’s body is not an accessory, and coercion should never be mistaken for liberation. The Grammy moment wasn’t just about fashion—it was a glaring reminder of the power dynamics that often play out in controlling relationships.

The real question remains: Is Bianca truly free to make her own choices, or has she been manipulated, conditioned, or intimidated to comply?

Featured image: Kayne West and Bianca Censori at the Grammy Awards. Source: YouTube Screenshot / Recording Academy Grammys.

How Abusers Invade Privacy and Violate Boundaries in Coercive Control

By
Samara Knight
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abusers invade privacy

In relationships marked by coercive control and domestic abuse, privacy and personal boundaries are systematically dismantled by the abuser. This behavior may manifest as reading personal journals, opening mail, checking phones or social media accounts, eavesdropping on phone calls, or even refusing to allow their partner to use the bathroom with the door closed. These actions are not just violations of personal space; they are intentional strategies to assert dominance, erode autonomy, and instill fear.

By invading privacy, abusers establish a sense of ownership over their partner’s life. In many cases, this behavior stems from jealousy and possessiveness, with abusers using their suspicion as a justification to monitor and control their partner’s life.

The Erosion of Privacy as a Tool in Coercive Control

Privacy is a fundamental human right, but in abusive relationships, it becomes a luxury denied to the victim. Abusers often try to justify their actions with claims of mistrust or care and concern for their partner’s well-being, but the underlying motive is always control.

One survivor shared, “He didn’t want to put a lock on the bathroom door, so he’d come in any time he wanted.” Another had a similar experience: “Even when I locked the bathroom door for privacy, he’d unlock it from the outside, barge in, and act like I was hiding something.” These invasions of privacy leave victims feeling as though no aspect of their life is truly their own.

One woman described how her husband would routinely rifle through her belongings: “He’d rummage through my handbag whenever he felt like it, without even giving a reason for what he was looking for. It wasn’t that I had anything to hide, but it felt like such a violation of my personal things. I started leaving my bag in my car just to avoid the anxiety of seeing him go through it.”

Abusers position themselves as omnipresent figures in their partner’s life. This fosters a sense of helplessness in the victim, who begins to believe they have no safe space away from their prying eyes and judgment.

Constant Surveillance and Monitoring

Survivors frequently describe feeling like they were under constant surveillance. Some abusers demand passwords to phones and online accounts, track their partner’s location, or even set up surveillance devices.

“I had to provide proof of where I was at all times,” one survivor explained. “If I went to the gym, I had to show the time I clocked in and out. If I didn’t answer his call immediately, he’d accuse me of cheating.”

Another survivor recounted, “He set up all my passwords and connected my phone to his computer. I caught him regularly going through my messages.”

A male survivor shared his experience, saying, “Every time I was on the phone, she’d stand outside the door and listen in. I’ve always been loyal and faithful, so I never understood why she was so suspicious all the time. It felt like I never had my own space, not even to have a simple conversation.”

This level of monitoring isolates victims and keeps them in a constant state of vigilance. The message is clear: there is no escape, no privacy, and no room for autonomy. By eroding their partner’s boundaries, abusers tighten their grip and reinforce a dynamic of control and domination.

Reading Journals and Controlling Communication

Abusers often weaponize the victim’s own thoughts and feelings against them by reading personal journals or diaries – even personal reflections are fair game for perpetrators. This deeply invasive act strips victims of the ability to privately process their emotions or experiences.

“I woke up one Saturday morning to an enraged husband who literally threw a notebook at me,” one survivor shared. “He’d been reading my diary. A passage about how fun it was to work with a new hire at work—a man—apparently tripped a wire with him.”

Abusers also exert control over communication. They may intercept mail, eavesdrop on phone calls, or demand access to every text message. “He’d take all the mail from the letterbox to his office and open mine,” a survivor recounted. “He’d read all my WhatsApp messages, including ones from my mother, and would wake me up in the middle of the night questioning me about what I’d posted online.”

The constant scrutiny forces victims to self-censor and live in fear of saying or doing anything that might provoke their abuser’s anger.

Isolation Through Invasion of Boundaries

By denying privacy, abusers create an environment where victims feel completely exposed and powerless. This often goes hand in hand with social isolation.

One survivor explained how her abuser would sabotage her efforts to maintain connections with others: “He drove across the city to a ladies-only event because I didn’t answer my phone for 15 minutes. When I got home, he accused me of doing things I hadn’t done.”

Another survivor shared, “He’d offer to drive me everywhere but wouldn’t turn up when it was time to pick me up, leaving me stranded. If I accepted a lift from someone else, he’d accuse me of cheating.”

These tactics ensure that victims remain dependent on the abuser and afraid to seek help from friends or family.

The Psychological Impact of Privacy Violations

The impact of privacy violations in abusive relationships extends far beyond mere annoyance or inconvenience. These invasive acts strike at the core of a person’s identity, undermining their sense of self, autonomy, and safety.

“I started to believe I didn’t deserve privacy,” one survivor shared. “If I tried to push back, he’d tell me I had no right to secrets in his house. Eventually, I just stopped trying.”

The cumulative effect of such invasions fosters a sense of hypervigilance. Victims may feel as though they are never truly alone, even when the abuser isn’t physically present. “He didn’t need to be in the room to make me feel watched,” one survivor explained. “I stopped writing in journals and avoided talking on the phone because I knew he’d find a way to listen or read what I’d said.”

Feelings of paranoia often linger long after the relationship ends. Individuals report being unable to trust others, fearing judgment or further violations. One survivor recounted, “Even after I left, I couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was watching me. I’d triple-check that my phone was locked and hide my mail in drawers.”

Another woman captured this struggle: “I had to relearn that it’s okay to have parts of my life that are mine alone. It’s not selfish to want privacy—it’s human. But after years of being told otherwise, it takes time to believe it.”

For many, reclaiming privacy becomes a critical part of healing. Small acts, such as locking a door or keeping a journal, represent significant steps toward rebuilding autonomy. Yet, the journey is not without its challenges. Survivors must confront the psychological damage left by the abuser, learning to trust themselves and others again.

The Relief of Reclaiming Privacy

Reclaiming privacy and boundaries is a critical step in healing from an abusive relationship. Survivors often describe the profound relief that comes with regaining control over their personal space.

One survivor shared, “It wasn’t until I left that I realized how much I’d lost. The simple act of locking the bathroom door felt like a victory.”

Breaking free from coercive control requires understanding the tactics abusers use and recognizing that these invasions of privacy are not normal or acceptable. Therapy, support groups, and education about abuse dynamics can help survivors rebuild their sense of self and re-establish healthy boundaries.

Featured Image: Ignoring boundaries and invading privacy are common in relationships marked by coercive control. Source: DC Studio / Adobe Stock.

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.

Jana’s Journey to Freedom After Decades of Verbal Abuse (Video)

By
Samara Knight
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breaking free from verbal abuse

Jana spent 31 years in a marriage marked by 17 years of escalating verbal abuse. Her husband’s public charm masked the reality of his relentless control and cruelty at home. She endured constant insults, fear of his rage, and a life entirely centered around his needs. The cycle of brief kindness followed by harsher verbal attacks left her feeling isolated and questioning her own worth.

It wasn’t until she stumbled upon The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans that Jana realized the abuse wasn’t her fault. The book gave her the clarity and courage to start planning her exit, knowing she could never change his behavior. In 2015, she finally filed for divorce, taking her first steps toward freedom after decades of feeling trapped.

Now at 62, Jana reflects on her journey of breaking free from verbal abuse, celebrating the simple joys of making her own decisions and living without fear. Her story is a powerful reminder that it’s never too late to leave an abusive relationship and reclaim your life. Watch her tell her story to hear how she found freedom and rebuilt her sense of self.

Featured image: Jana shares her experience of breaking free from verbal abuse. Source: YouTube Screenshot / MJB Productions: A Woman’s Place.

Intermittent Kindness: How Abusers Alternate Care and Cruelty to Keep You Trapped

By
Samara Knight
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intermittent kindness

Domestic abuse is often misunderstood. Many people assume it’s a constant stream of cruelty, but the reality is far more complex. Abusers frequently alternate between warmth and hostility, creating a confusing emotional rollercoaster. This cycle of highs and lows lies at the heart of trauma bonds—also known as trauma-coerced attachment—a powerful psychological dynamic that keeps victims trapped in relationships.

The Jekyll and Hyde Dynamic

If abuse were constant, it would be easier to recognize. But abusers use carefully timed moments of affection to sustain hope, keeping their partners emotionally tethered. This manipulation relies on a pattern of intermittent reinforcement, which deepens the victim’s attachment and makes it difficult to leave.

This pattern is often described as the abuser’s “Jekyll and Hyde” personality, unpredictably switching between affectionate and abusive behavior. One moment, they are kind and attentive; the next, they are cold, manipulative, or outright abusive. This stark contrast creates confusion and makes victims doubt their own perceptions.

“If abusers were bad all the time, we’d have left them or not gotten attached or trauma bonded with them! They’re often very good and can be so kind, in between the abuse,” one survivor explained. But these moments of kindness aren’t genuine—they are calculated moves to maintain control.

Another survivor shared, “That’s what made it so hard to leave. If they were horrible all the time, you wouldn’t stay. But it’s the intermittent reinforcement that keeps you stuck. Once you realize the niceness is just an act and everything they do is self-serving, it’s easier to see through it.”

How Trauma Bonds Form in Relationships

The cyclical nature of abuse and affection doesn’t just create confusion; it also fosters a deep emotional attachment known as a trauma bond. Individuals may feel that the abuser is both the cause of their pain and their only source of relief. Over time, this bond becomes so strong that leaving feels insurmountable, even when the person recognizes the relationship is harmful.

One survivor described their experience: “It’s the rollercoaster of them being kind and loving, then becoming abusive. We hang on to the crumbs of the nice parts, believing that’s their true self and maybe they’ll improve.”

Abusers exploit this belief by apologizing, making promises to change, or blaming external circumstances for their behavior. These tactics deepen their partner’s hope that things will be better and make it harder for them to leave.

The Role of Intermittent Kindness

Intermittent reinforcement is a psychological principle where rewards are given unpredictably, making them more potent and addictive. In domestic abuse, these “rewards” take the form of kindness or affection after a period of cruelty or neglect.

When abusers show affection following an episode of mistreatment, the brain releases dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. This brief surge of positivity creates a powerful emotional dependency. Victims begin to associate relief and hope with their abuser, even though these moments are fleeting and manipulative. This cycle keeps them trapped, constantly seeking the next “reward” of kindness.

“When we are deprived of our basic needs, and then we get a breadcrumb of affection, there is a dopamine surge. The cycle itself becomes addictive. And when we leave, it’s a powerful withdrawal that seeks relief by the abuser,” one survivor explained.

Breaking free from this cycle is incredibly difficult. The individual must overcome both the psychological conditioning and the chemical bonds that tie them to the abuser.

Breaking the Cycle and Healing

To escape a trauma bond, it’s crucial to understand the manipulative tactics abusers use and to recognize that their kindness is not genuine. Many survivors describe a moment of clarity when they saw through the cycle of abuse and affection.

“The moment I realized his kindness wasn’t love, but a manipulative tactic to keep me hooked, everything changed,” one survivor shared. “It was painful to face the truth, but it was also liberating. That clarity gave me the strength to rebuild a life where I no longer accepted crumbs as love.”

Healing from a trauma bond involves unlearning the conditioning that made the person accept moments of affection as enough. Therapy, support groups, and education about abuse dynamics are essential tools for rebuilding self-worth and establishing healthy boundaries.

Understanding the Survivor’s Experience

For outsiders, it can be difficult to understand why someone stays in an abusive relationship. A common misconception is that victims are “co-dependent” or weak, but this perspective ignores the powerful psychological and emotional forces at play.

“Those who don’t understand abuse think we would hate people for doing it to us,” one survivor explained. “And, in a sense, we do want to leave, but we can’t resist the bonds they create in us. It’s not co-dependency; they rely on the umbilical cord they tie us to them.”

Survivors need empathy, not judgment or victim-blaming. Recognizing the tactics abusers use to maintain control is essential for understanding trauma bonds and supporting those who are trying to break free.

Featured Image: Domestic abusers use cycles of kindness and cruelty to create trauma bonds in relationships. Source: inesbazdar / Adobe Stock

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.

Coercive Control in Same-Sex Relationships: Myths, Challenges, and Support

By
Samara Knight
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coercive control in same-sex relationships

Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse that encompasses emotional manipulation, isolation, and other coercive and controlling behaviors. While coercive control has become a more recognized and studied form of abuse in heterosexual relationships, very little attention is given to it in the context of same-sex relationships. Misconceptions, societal biases, and unique challenges mean that those in the LGBT community often face additional barriers when seeking support.

Unique Challenges to Identifying Coercive Control in Same-Sex Relationships

Coercive control refers to a pattern of behaviors that isolate, manipulate, and dominate a person, stripping them of their autonomy. It is often invisible, making it difficult for outsiders to identify.

For same-sex couples, coercive control can be particularly insidious, as it may intertwine with issues around identity, societal acceptance, and internalized biases. The following are some of the unique challenges to identifying coercive control in same-sex relationships.

  • Lack of Awareness and Resources: Many support services are tailored to heterosexual relationships, making it difficult for same-sex couples to find resources that address their experiences. Traditional support structures may unintentionally overlook the dynamics present in LGBTQ+ relationships, leading many to feel isolated or misunderstood.
  • Internalized Homophobia and Shame: Internalized homophobia—negative feelings or beliefs toward one’s own sexual orientation—can be a factor that abusers exploit in same-sex relationships. An abuser may weaponize shame, suggesting that being in a same-sex relationship is wrong or that the victim deserves to be treated poorly. This can create a powerful barrier to seeking help, as people may feel their struggles are a result of their identity rather than the abuse they are enduring.
  • ‘Mutual Abuse’ Misconception: A pervasive misconception is that conflict within same-sex relationships represents “mutual abuse.” This assumption arises partly because same-sex relationships involve partners of the same gender, which can lead outsiders to dismiss power imbalances or assume the abuse is reciprocal. This belief undermines the experiences of those suffering from coercive control, making it harder for them to receive appropriate support.
  • Outing as a Manipulative Tool: In same-sex relationships, an abuser may leverage the threat of “outing” their partner to family, friends, or colleagues. This is especially impactful for individuals who are not openly LGBTQ+ or live in communities where acceptance is limited. The fear of being outed can be a powerful form of control, trapping individuals in silence and isolation.
  • Shame about the ‘Failure’ of Their Relationship: Many same-sex victims will have fought hard to have their relationship accepted by family members or friends. So they then feel embarrassed, guilty, or ashamed to admit to the abuse, or fear backlash from them when they speak up about it.

Misconceptions About Coercive Control in Same-Sex Relationships

A common misconception is that abuse in same-sex relationships is somehow less severe or “just a phase.” This is particularly the case for females in same-sex relationships.

This stereotype trivializes the experience of victims and contributes to a lack of societal and institutional support. Abuse is abuse, regardless of the gender involved, and coercive control has severe emotional, psychological, and physical consequences.

Coercive control is often associated with traditional gender roles, where a male partner exerts dominance over a female partner. However, same-sex relationships are just as susceptible to power imbalances and control tactics, even if they manifest differently. This myth prevents individuals from recognizing their situation as abusive and makes it harder for others to provide appropriate support.

While many same-sex couples do share equal partnerships, the assumption that all LGBTQ+ relationships are inherently free from power struggles ignores the reality of the presence of abuse in these relationships. Assuming that equality naturally exists in same-sex relationships prevents both victims and society from recognizing coercive control when it occurs.

The Impact of Coercive Control on Same-Sex Couples

The effects of coercive control in same-sex relationships mirror those seen in heterosexual relationships—loss of autonomy, erosion of self-esteem, and increasing isolation. However, for LGBTQ+ individuals, there is often an added layer of fear, as seeking help may expose them to additional discrimination or judgment.

Many individuals fear facing bias or disbelief from law enforcement, therapists, or even friends and family members who may not understand or acknowledge the legitimacy of abuse within same-sex relationships.

“Over the past few years we have been engaging with the police, DoJ and other agencies to improve the support available for people within the LGBTQIA+ community who are victims of domestic abuse and help them understand the difficulties that people face when trying to come forward to report it or seek help,” said Cara McCann, Director of HERe Northern Ireland [via Belfast Live].

“There are little to no dedicated resources in order to help members of the LGBTQIA+ community who already face additional barriers when coming forward to highlight the abuse they face. This can often be from the historic distrust that remains within the LGBTQIA+ community regarding the police, but also from threats they can face from their abuser and the control that they may have over them.”

Offering Support

Educating the public about coercive control in same-sex relationships is crucial for breaking down harmful stereotypes and building empathy. Awareness campaigns, training programs for mental health professionals, and educational resources can all contribute to a more comprehensive understanding of abuse in LGBTQ+ relationships.

Allison Newey is leading the Here NI’s research into the impact of and prevalence of domestic abuse within the LGBTQIA+ community. She says, “As part of my research I am encouraging victims of domestic abuse to come forward and speak with me confidentially, and so far there has been a very strong response from people keen to raise awareness about an issue that is often invisible, not just to the authorities but to others within the LGBTQ+.” 

For loved ones of LGBTQ+ individuals, fostering an environment of acceptance and understanding can make a significant difference. By offering nonjudgmental support and avoiding assumptions about the nature of same-sex relationships, loved ones can play a pivotal role in helping victims feel safe and supported. By acknowledging specific challenges and working to dismantle harmful stereotypes, society can offer better support to LGBTQ+ individuals facing abuse.

References

Barnes, R. (2021). Understanding Coercive Control in LGBTQ Relationships. Rainbow Health Ontario.

Brown, C. (2020). Coercive Control: Domestic Abuse in Same-Sex Relationships. Journal of LGBTQ Issues in Counseling, 14(3-4), 239-260.

Donovan, C., & Hester, M. (2010). I Hate the Word ‘Victim’: An Exploration of Recognition of Domestic Violence in Same-Sex Relationships. Social Policy and Society, 9(2), 279–289.

Featured Image: Individuals experiencing coercive control in same-sex relationships face unique challenges. Source:  alfa27 / Adobe Stock.

Victim-Blaming and the Harmful Responses Survivors Face After Abuse

By
Samara Knight
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victim-blaming comments

Leaving domestic abuse is one of the most difficult and courageous decisions a person can make. Survivors often hope for compassion, support, and validation as they start to heal. Instead, many encounter dismissive or judgmental reactions that intensify their pain. These responses, which can even come from well-meaning individuals, reflect a lack of understanding about the complexities of abuse and its long-lasting effects.

This article examines some of the most harmful comments survivors endure, drawing on real survivor accounts. By highlighting these experiences, we aim to shed light on how victim-blaming attitudes and misconceptions can hinder recovery and offer guidance on supporting survivors more effectively.

“Just Move On”

One of the most common dismissive remarks survivors hear is, “Just move on.” This phrase trivializes the trauma, suggesting that recovery should be quick and effortless.

“Get over it and move forward. It is NOT that easy! It’s impossible to just get over this type of abuse,” one survivor shared. Abuse leaves deep emotional wounds, and healing is a lengthy, complex journey. Survivors need empathy and patience, not pressure to “move on.”

Another survivor recalled, “My dad told me to just let it go. It felt like he was brushing off everything I endured. Healing isn’t just about moving forward; it’s about untangling years of fear and pain.”

Victim-Blaming

Survivors often face comments that shift blame onto them for the abuse they endured. This victim-blaming reflects a poor understanding of the power dynamics inherent in abusive relationships.

“Why did you forget to take care of yourself? Maybe that’s why he cheated on you,” one survivor remembered being told while juggling work and caring for her sick mother and siblings. Such remarks dismiss trauma and compound feelings of guilt and shame.

Other survivors reported hearing, “What did you do to make him act that way?” or “No wonder he treated you like that.” These comments perpetuate harmful myths and invalidate survivors’ experiences.

“Why Didn’t You Leave?”

The question, “Why didn’t you leave sooner?” fails to recognize the significant barriers survivors face, including fear, manipulation, and financial dependence.

One survivor shared, “I couldn’t leave because I knew he’d find me. Every time I tried, he’d remind me of his ‘connectionsand how he’d track me down no matter where I went. I had to carefully plan every step, and even then, it felt like a gamble.”

Another explained, “It wasn’t about staying because I loved him; it was about survival. The more I resisted, the worse the abuse got. I stayed because I was afraid of what he’d do if I left.”

Victim-blaming questions shift focus away from the abuser’s actions and overlook the risks survivors face in trying to escape.

Dismissing the Severity of Abuse

Minimizing a survivor’s experiences with comments like, “It wasn’t that bad,” or “At least he didn’t hit you,” undermines the emotional and psychological toll of abuse.

“A friend said, ‘Well, he only yelled at you, right? It’s not like he was violent.’ They couldn’t understand how deeply the verbal and emotional abuse harmed me and made me feel smaller and smaller until I didn’t even recognize myself,” one survivor explained.

Another shared, “Someone told me, ‘At least you had a roof over your head.’ As if that made the constant surveillance and criticism any less damaging.” These statements invalidate survivors and reinforce misconceptions about the true nature of abuse.

Implying Shared Blame

Comments that imply shared blame, such as “Sorry things didn’t work out for you both,” can feel deeply hurtful.

“Sorry things didn’t work out…as if I had some level of participation in the destruction of my marriage,” one survivor said. “It’s yet another insult and dismissal that we somehow asked for this or had a hand in the fractured outcome of my now devastated life.”

Another recalled, “A mutual friend told me, ‘Relationships take two people to fail.’ Hearing that after everything I endured felt like being punched in the stomach—it completely ignored the abuse I suffered and put the blame on me.”

Undermining or Dismissing Experiences

Survivors often encounter disbelief or have their experiences undermined by those they trust. This can deepen feelings of isolation.

“I have several friends who still don’t fully comprehend how bad or dangerous it was for me,” one survivor shared. “The overarching theme of undermining my experience made me doubt my own experiences at a vulnerable time when I was still getting over being gaslit by him.”

Another individual shared, “I reported him to the police for strangulation, and the cop said, ‘You’re just making this up.’ They didn’t investigate. It made me feel so hopeless.”

These dismissals compound survivors’ trauma and erode their confidence in seeking help.

Betrayal by Friends and Family

The aftermath of abuse often reveals painful betrayals, as mutual friends or even family members side with the abuser.

“Mutual friends often try to straddle the fence between both of you, even when confronted with evidence of abuse,” one survivor explained. “You realize that anyone who can tolerate that behavior against their friend and still remain friends with the abuser was never really a friend.”

This betrayal intensifies survivors’ isolation and hinders their ability to rebuild a supportive network.

Pressures for Amicability

Survivors frequently face pressure to maintain a polite relationship with their abuser, even when it risks their safety. Comments like, “Can’t you try to be amicable?” or “Maybe now you can both heal,” disregard the ongoing harm and power dynamics at play.

One survivor recounted, “My mother asked if there was any way we could work it out for the kids. He had already chosen drugs, financial recklessness, and other women over his family. Hitting me was just the tip of the iceberg.”

Survivors need understanding, not pressure to appease their abuser for others’ comfort.

How to Truly Support Survivors

Supporting survivors starts with listening and offering empathy without judgment. Instead of minimizing or questioning their experiences, simply being present can make all the difference.

One survivor expressed, “I wish someone had just said, ‘You don’t have to explain anything. I’m here for you.’ That would’ve meant the world to me.” Validating their feelings and acknowledging their courage to leave is crucial. Phrases like, “What you went through was real, and it wasn’t your fault,” help combat the effects of victim-blaming and gaslighting.

Survivors have endured immense challenges. Genuine understanding and thoughtful support can make all the difference as they rebuild their lives and reclaim their sense of self.

Featured image: Victim-blaming responses. Source: fizkes / Adobe Stock.

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.

Former Rugby Captain Stuart Hogg Sentenced for Domestic Abuse

By
Samara Knight
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Stuart Hogg domestic abuse

Former Scotland rugby captain Stuart Hogg has been sentenced to a community payback order following a guilty plea to domestic abuse charges against his estranged wife, Gillian Hogg. The sentencing brings to light years of controlling and abusive behavior that Hogg subjected his wife to during their marriage.

Five Years of Abuse Revealed in Court

The Guardian reports that Stuart Hogg, 32, admitted to a prolonged course of domestic abuse spanning five years, including shouting, swearing, and sending alarming and distressing messages. The court heard that his behavior escalated to tracking his wife’s movements through a phone app and bombarding her with hundreds of messages in a matter of hours.

Prosecutor Drew Long detailed how Hogg’s actions often left his wife in fear. During one incident, Hogg’s behavior triggered a panic attack, and in another, his incessant texting drew the attention of those around her. Long explained that her family noticed a change in her, and she eventually sought help from a domestic abuse service.

Coercive control, which is a pattern of behavior that includes non-physical forms of abuse like manipulation, isolation, and tracking to exert power and control over a victim, is recognized as a crime in the UK.

An Insufficient Sentence

At Selkirk Sheriff Court, Hogg was sentenced to a community payback order with one year of supervision, deemed an “alternative to custody” by Sheriff Peter Paterson. The court also issued a five-year non-harassment order prohibiting Hogg from approaching or contacting his estranged wife.

Dr. Marsha Scott, CEO of Scottish Women’s Aid, criticized the sentence, saying, “I can’t imagine that anyone would think that a £600 fine and a year’s worth of supervision is proportionate to a regime of terror for five years” [via The BBC].

Hogg’s Behavior Driven by Control

Hogg’s abuse was characterized by anger and controlling tendencies. The court was told he frequently belittled Mrs. Hogg for prioritizing their children over socializing with him and his colleagues. His actions also included undermining her confidence and isolating her emotionally.

Lynne Barrie, procurator fiscal for Lothian and Borders, emphasized the impact of Hogg’s actions. “The trauma suffered by victims – and children who witness these crimes – is significant. The Crown Office is committed to holding perpetrators accountable, regardless of their status.”

Case Highlights Need for Systemic Change

While Hogg’s sentence provides some closure, it raises broader questions about how domestic abuse cases are handled. Critics point out that the legal system often fails to adequately punish controlling and abusive behavior, leaving survivors feeling invalidated.

As Mrs. Hogg begins rebuilding her life, her courage in coming forward serves as a reminder of the importance of addressing domestic abuse and supporting survivors in their journey to reclaim their peace of mind.

Featured image: Former Rugby Captain Stuart Hogg Sentenced for Domestic Abuse. Source: Stefano Delfrate / CC by SA 2.0.

How Abusers Destroy Their Partners’ Self-Esteem and Confidence

By
Samara Knight
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abuse and self-esteem

Abuse isn’t always physical. One of the most harmful ways abusers assert control is by tearing down their partner’s self-esteem. This form of emotional and psychological abuse erodes confidence, identity, and self-worth until the victim feels like a shell of their former self. Survivors of coercive control share their experiences, shedding light on the subtle and overt ways abusers destroy self-esteem.

Shattering Confidence

Abusers often start by chipping away at their partner’s confidence, planting seeds of doubt in their abilities and choices. This tactic is slow but devastating, leaving survivors constantly second-guessing themselves.

One survivor shared, “He constantly shifted the goalposts, setting me up to fail and making me feel like everything I did was wrong. It kept me second-guessing myself.” Another recounted, “He told me I was stupid, that I’d fail at anything I tried. Even now, I still hear his voice in my head, telling me I’ll never succeed.”

Ongoing criticism traps victims in a cycle of self-doubt. Over time, they internalize these negative messages and come to believe they’re incapable or unworthy.

Masking Cruelty as Humor

Abusers often hide their demeaning remarks behind humor, using sarcasm, mocking, or jokes to break down self-esteem. They belittle their partner while dodging accountability by saying, “It’s just a joke.”

One survivor shared, “He’d mock my weight at family gatherings, calling me his ‘little butterball.’ Everyone would laugh, and if I got upset, he’d say I was too sensitive and couldn’t take a joke. It was humiliating.”
Another explained, “Whenever I shared an idea or dream, he’d sarcastically say, ‘Oh, here comes the next big innovator!’ It made me feel so stupid that I stopped sharing anything at all.”
These tactics isolate victims, making them doubt their worth and feel alone in their inadequacy.

Undermining Talents and Abilities

Abusers often target their partner’s skills or passions—areas where they excel—to crush confidence and create dependence. By attacking their strengths, abusers strip away identity and self-assurance.

One survivor shared, “I was great at my job and loved what I did, but he constantly told me my career wasn’t ‘real work’ and that my colleagues didn’t respect me. I started doubting myself, even when I knew I was good at it.”

Another explained, “I was passionate about cooking and proud of the meals I made for our family, but he’d criticize every little thing—‘too salty,’ ‘not cooked right,’ or ‘why can’t you make something better?’ It crushed me to the point where I stopped cooking altogether.”

By attacking their partners’ successful careers or diminishing their achievements, abusers maintain control and discourage independence.

Devaluing Passions and Joys

Abusers often attack hobbies or interests that bring their partner happiness, calling them trivial or useless. This robs victims of joy and leaves them isolated.

“I used to love painting,” one survivor shared. “But he’d tell me my work was ‘childish’ and ‘embarrassing.’ Eventually, I couldn’t even pick up a brush without hearing his voice in my head.”

Another survivor explained, “He called my love of baking ‘a housewife’s dream,’ saying I was wasting time pretending to be good at something. It crushed my confidence in something I once loved.”

This strategy ensures victims have no outlet for expression or fulfillment.

Using Comparisons to Break Self-Worth

Abusers often compare their partners to others, making them feel inferior. This tactic creates a sense of inadequacy and keeps victims striving for unattainable approval.

One survivor recounted, “He often compared me to his exes or his peers, saying they were better or more successful. It made me feel so inferior.”

Another shared, “He’d constantly point out other women at the gym or on TV, saying things like, ‘Why don’t you work harder to look like that?’ It made me feel like I was never good enough, no matter how much effort I put in.”

These comparisons diminish self-esteem and ensure victims remain desperate for validation.

Shaming in Public

Public humiliation is another weapon abusers use to erode self-esteem. By belittling their partner in front of others, they create shame and deepen isolation.

“He would interrupt me whenever I tried to speak at family gatherings, loudly correcting me or saying I didn’t know what I was talking about. It made me stop speaking up altogether,” one survivor shared.

Another recounted, “At a work event, he told my colleagues that I only got my promotion because my boss ‘felt sorry for me.’ I was mortified and felt like everyone saw me as a fraud.”
These tactics make victims question their worth, silencing them in public and private settings.

Long-Lasting Effects of Abuse on Self-Esteem

Emotional and psychological abuse targeting self-esteem can leave scars that linger long after the relationship ends. Survivors often struggle with self-doubt, lack of confidence, and mistrust of their own instincts.

One survivor described the lingering effects: “Even now, I still hear his voice, telling me I’ll fail. It’s hard to silence that.” Another shared, “Living in that environment suffocated the essence of who I was. It’s taken years to rebuild my confidence.”

Rebuilding after abuse is a long and difficult journey, as survivors work to regain trust in themselves and rediscover their worth.

Reclaiming Self-Esteem After Abuse

While the damage caused by abuse is significant, healing and rebuilding self-esteem is possible. Survivors share their stories of reclaiming their identities and creating lives free from abuse.

“I’ve learned to know my worth, despite how much he tried to devalue me,” one survivor said. Another reflected, “I’m finding my worth again, realizing I’m enough. I’ve stopped overthinking and learned to love myself.”

Support systems, therapy, and self-care are essential tools in this process. One survivor shared, “I’ve had counseling, taken up yoga, and spent time figuring out who I am. It’s not easy, but I finally feel free.”

Healing is a journey, and each small victory builds a stronger foundation. Survivors remind us of the resilience it takes to rebuild after abuse and rediscover self-worth.

Featured image: Abuse damages self-esteem. Source: Cavan for Adobe / Adobe Stock.

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.

Green Flags in Relationships: Recognizing Signs of Healthy Love After Abuse

By
Charlotte Bragg
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green flags in relationships

When we talk about relationships, the discussion of red flags often dominates the conversation, particularly in individuals that have experienced domestic abuse and manipulation. This is very important, as recognizing the red flags in a partner is critical; however, the focus on negative behaviors can sometimes overshadow the positive, green flags in a relationship.

Naturally, many survivors of domestic abuse are well-versed in the warning signs of abusive behaviors and are on high alert for these in all relationships they enter as a form of protection. However, this means it can sometimes feel foreign to identify green flags, as survivors may not have experienced these positive dynamics before.

Let’s explore what the signs of a healthy, respectful, and supportive relationship are and understand why recognizing green flags matters just as much as identifying the warning signs of abuse.

The Importance of Green Flags

Abuse survivors often find themselves hyper-focused on avoiding harm. They may second-guess their instincts, over-analyze new partners, or set overly rigid boundaries out of fear. These reactions are understandable, given the betrayal and manipulation they’ve experienced. However, this defensive mindset can sometimes lead to confusion, or misattributing normal,  healthy behaviors to manipulation or love-bombing. By understanding the signs of a positive relationship, we can cultivate trust and confidence in our ability to identify what feels right.

Empathy and Emotional Availability

A healthy partner demonstrates empathy, actively listening to your feelings without dismissing or invalidating them. They’re emotionally available, showing genuine concern for your well-being.

In contrast, abusive relationships often involve emotional neglect or manipulation. An empathetic partner is a green flag because they help you feel safe expressing your vulnerabilities.

Forgiveness and Patience

Healthy partners recognize that nobody is perfect. In abusive relationships, minor mistakes often lead to disproportionate punishment or humiliation. However, a healthy partner who practices forgiveness doesn’t hold grudges or use past mistakes as weapons, they approach disagreements with patience and kindness rather than anger or contempt.

Respect and Selflessness

Respect means valuing your autonomy, boundaries, and individuality, and in abusive dynamics, respect is often conditional, contingent on meeting the abuser’s demands. A respectful partner accepts you for who you are, ensuring your voice and identity remain intact without pressuring you to change who you are or to sacrifice your needs for theirs. They are selfless in their approach and willing to compromise for the good of the relationship.

Authenticity and Consistency

A healthy partner’s actions align with their words. They’re authentic, behaving the same in public as they do in private. They have no hidden agenda, they are open and honest and they seek a transparent and healthy connection with you.

Trust and Open Communication

Trust is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. In abusive relationships, trust is undermined through dishonesty, blame-shifting, or controlling behavior. Healthy partners keep their promises, communicate honestly, and don’t resort to jealousy or possessiveness. They respect your independence and encourage your personal growth and friendships.

Commitment and Support

A healthy partner is committed to the relationship’s success, even during challenging times. This means that they show up, not only in grand gestures, but in everyday actions that demonstrate reliability and care, such as checking in on you and remembering small details about you.

They also provide encouragement, celebrate your achievements, and provide unwavering support for your goals. This contrasts with abusive partners, who often diminish or sabotage their partner’s success to maintain control.

Encouragement of Individuality

Healthy partners encourage you to be yourself, respecting your interests, opinions, and values, even when these don’t align with their own. They don’t belittle your quirks or hobbies – they like that these things make you unique.

Recognizing Green Flags After Abuse

For abuse survivors, distinguishing between healthy and unhealthy relationships can be particularly challenging. Survivors may misinterpret kindness as manipulation or set rigid boundaries that push potential partners away at the first perceived flaw. Overanalyzing behaviors is a common response that is driven by fear of repeating past mistakes.

This hypervigilance is a natural byproduct of surviving abuse, but it can limit your ability to see the positives. For instance, for trauma survivors:

  • A partner respecting your boundaries might feel like indifference.
  • Consistent affection might be misinterpreted as love-bombing, a common tactic in abusive relationships.
  • Minor mistakes might trigger fears of escalating harm.

By learning to recognize and trust green flags, you can rebuild confidence in your ability to discern healthy love.

Examples of Green Flags in Relationships

Here are some practical examples of green flags to look for:

  • Respect for Boundaries: They don’t pressure you for more time or attention than you’re willing to give.
  • Consistency: Their behavior doesn’t shift dramatically depending on the setting.
  • Appreciation: They thank you for your efforts, big or small.
  • Encouragement: They support your dreams and celebrate your successes without jealousy.
  • Accountability: They take responsibility for their actions and don’t blame others for the failure of past relationships.
  • Kind Communication: They speak to you respectfully, even during disagreements, without yelling or belittling.
  • Trustworthiness: They are open about their life, including their relationships with family and friends.
  • Patience: They don’t rush the relationship or pressure you into intimacy.
  • Genuine Apologies: They admit when they’re wrong and work to make things right.
  • Emotional Maturity: They can discuss feelings and handle disagreements constructively.

Shifting the Focus

Focusing solely on red flags can make dating feel daunting, especially for individuals healing from abuse. Survivors often join support groups or read extensively about abuse to protect themselves from future harm, but this can lead to an overemphasis on negativity. Recognizing green flags helps shift the focus to what healthy love looks and feels like.

By identifying positive traits in a partner, you can rebuild your capacity for trust and connection. Green flags are not just signs of a healthy relationship – they are a guide to understanding what you deserve.

While red flags are crucial to recognize, recognizing green flags reminds us that healthy relationships are possible and worth striving for. Empathy, respect, trust, and open communication are the hallmarks of a love that nurtures rather than harms.

For abuse survivors, learning to spot positive signs is an essential step in healing and embracing the possibility of a better future. Everyone deserves a partner who embodies these green flags – a partner who makes you feel safe, valued, and truly loved.

References

DomesticShelters.org (2019), “Maybe We Should Look for These Green Flags, Too. DomesticShelters.org.

National Domestic Violence Hotline (N.D.), “Green Flags in a Relationship”. National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Website Director (2024), “Green Flags in a Relationship”. BTSADV The National Voice of Domestic Violence.

Featured Image: For abuse survivors, learning to spot green flags in relationships is an essential step in healing and identifying healthy relationships. Source: Flamingo Images / Adobe Stock

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