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Hidden Signs of Coercive Control: How Abusers Control Without Saying “No”

By
Samara Knight
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hidden signs of coercive control

When most people picture abuse, they imagine a partner barking commands, laying down strict rules, or openly forbidding certain behaviours. The assumption is that control must be loud, visible, and direct. Yet for many survivors, the deepest wounds didn’t come from shouted orders but from the silence around them – the subtle punishments, the manipulative remarks, and the ever-shifting expectations.

These are some of the clearest signs of coercive control. The behaviour is rarely obvious at first. Often it forces you to connect the dots between your choices and the consequences that follow. Over time, the impact is the same as being explicitly ordered around, only harder to recognise, harder to name, and harder to prove.

Subtle Signs of Coercive Control

In a healthy relationship, partners can disagree about priorities or preferences, but those differences are resolved through mutual negotiation. In abusive relationships, the abuser doesn’t need to say “you can’t.” They only need to make sure you understand that if you do, there will be a price to pay. As one survivor described: “He never outright forbid me from doing anything, but he would make my life a living hell if I wouldn’t do what he wanted.”

Punishments take many forms: sulking, rage, withholding affection, silent treatments, intimidation, or even threats disguised as humour. Survivors quickly learn to anticipate these reactions and pre-empt them by surrendering more and more of themselves. One woman explained: “It happens slowly, insidiously. My ex chipped away and chipped away at me until I had no idea who I was and didn’t even realize it. All my interests, opinions, beliefs, desires, plans slowly became all of his because it was easier that way.”

This is why so many survivors say they lost their sense of self. It wasn’t because someone shouted them down every day, but because “once you have learned those rules, they invent others. They thrive on conflict so they can reassert their control over and over again. You start fretting and second guessing every move you make.”

The Illusion of Choice

Abusers often disguise their control in the language of choice or freedom. Some survivors recall being told, “I’m not stopping you,” only to hear in the same breath, “but I won’t be able to control what I’ll do if you go.”

One woman shared the fear this created: “The isolation from my family and friends was his biggest mind game… He would say ‘I’m not keeping you from them’ but then threaten to hurt or kill them.”

This double bind leaves victims trapped. They are told they can choose, yet the cost of choosing is too high. What looks like freedom is really captivity. Another survivor explained: “The silent treatment, the angry face, the ‘no I’m not upset’ while they do these things, and they will say what a supportive person would say so that later on it’s like, ‘no, I told you I WANTED you to go running!’ and while it’s true these words were spoken, it was obvious they didn’t mean them. So it becomes your own ‘choice’ to do everything they want, and nothing you want.”

On the surface, there seems to be freedom. In reality, exercising that freedom comes at too great a cost. “I used to ask myself ‘What is this going to cost me?’, one woman shared. “Sometimes I knew I didn’t have the energy to deal with the cost, so I just didn’t do what I wanted. It was a miserable way to live.”

Everyday Erosion

It isn’t always about dramatic threats. Often, it’s about being worn down slowly with everyday cuts. “The small digs, the things you laugh off, because you think — surely they’re joking, but it’s not a joke. It’s domestic abuse, emotional and mental abuse.”

For others, the experience felt like “death by a thousand corrections”: “He did this to me with clothes. My friends. My cooking. If out to dinner with others, he’d kick me under the table making me wonder what I had said. He’d critique after social outings. I once told a table what I was reading, and he said I sounded pretentious.”

This constant erosion of confidence pushes survivors to censor themselves. It feels easier not to speak, not to wear certain clothes, not to make plans, than to deal with the inevitable fallout. One woman summed it up: “To keep harmony, you compromise on the ‘little things’, then again, and again, and before you know it, the goal posts have had an almighty shift.”

The Punishment of Silence

Perhaps one of the most invisible yet painful signs of coercive control is silence. Survivors often describe stonewalling as more unbearable than shouting. “The silent treatment is unbearable. Never know how long to let it go on before I apologize and try to make things right. I never seem to get that right either.”

Another woman said: “He rarely told me ‘You are not allowed to do X.’ But the shaming and fighting and depressive episodes that I would have to endure afterward was never worth doing X.”

And another survivor explained the impossible bind: “If they don’t want to talk about an issue, it’s best to give up. The stonewalling and other consequences aren’t worth it. If they DO want to talk… even if it’s 1:00 am and work is early the next day, you better get up and talk.”

Silence is not neutral. It is a calculated punishment, designed to keep the victim hyper-vigilant, always second-guessing what will set the abuser off next.

When Saying ‘No’ Becomes Impossible

Another powerful sign of coercive control is relentless pressure and harassment. It isn’t just what the abuser says, but how long they say it, how often they repeat it, and how persistently they wear down resistance until giving in feels like the only escape.

One survivor shared: “He never said I couldn’t have a hospital birth, but he sent me links every day with ‘research’ about medicalised births and all the things that can go wrong from over-intervention. He’d raise the subject multiple times a day for months. He’d accuse me of not caring about our baby. In the end, I couldn’t take it anymore and caved in.”

This tactic doesn’t crush resistance all at once, it drains the victim through constant repetition, creating psychological exhaustion. Compliance eventually feels like the only way to end the torment, even when it means abandoning personal needs or wishes.

Another survivor described it: “He wanted to go on a holiday abroad during Covid lockdowns and I said No. I was hounded for months. He used guilt-tripping, fear-mongering, involving our child, bombarding me every day, blame, insults, and accusations. So I agreed because I couldn’t put up with the psychological torment of saying No.”

From the outside, it may look like the victim simply “agreed.” But inside the relationship, choice has been stripped away. Refusal is unbearable, and compliance becomes the only way to escape the endless pressure.

Why the Signs of Coercive Control Are So Often Overlooked

The difficulty in recognising these signs of coercive control is that they leave no obvious trace. There may be no bruises, no explicit commands, and often no raised voices. From the outside, the victim may appear “free.” In truth, they are living under a system of silence, compliance, and fear.

One survivor captured it perfectly: “It happens slowly, insidiously. By the time you’ve worked out what’s happening, it’s too late. Sometimes, fatally late.”

This form of abuse thrives precisely because it remains hidden to outsiders. But those who have lived it know the reality: when every decision carries an unspoken cost, when “choices” exist only on the surface, and when even silence becomes a weapon, what looks like freedom is in fact captivity.

Featured image: Coercive control is invisible abuse. Source: Ilona / Adobe Stock.

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.

“You Belong to Me” Uncovering the Ownership Belief at the Heart of Abuse

By
Samara Knight
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abuse and ownership

At the centre of abuse is ownership. Beneath the charm, the threats and the control lies the conviction ‘you are mine’. To someone abusive, a partner is not recognised as a person with rights and independence but as property to be used, shaped and ruled. When children enter the picture, this attitude often extends to them as well.

This perspective is crucial today. Rates of post-separation abuse remain high, and cases of femicide demonstrate the deadly risk when an abuser’s belief in ownership is confronted.

Viewing abuse through the idea of ownership helps explain why survivors often feel trapped and why abusers respond with such fury when their control is resisted.

Where the Ownership Belief Comes From

The idea that one person can hold ownership of another has deep roots. For centuries, wives were legally regarded as the possessions of their husbands and children as belonging to the father’s household. The laws have changed, but the mindset lingers. In abusive relationships, this shadow continues to influence behaviour. While women can be abusive, coercive control is strongly gendered and most often carried out by men against women.

Culture feeds this as well. Jealousy is disguised as passion, control is framed as protection, and possessiveness is presented as love. In films, TV, and music lyrics, everyday culture romanticises lines such as “you’re mine” or “I can’t live without you,” which makes ownership appear like devotion.

As Emma Katz, in her book Coercive Control in Children’s and Mothers’ Lives, highlights, “societal messages tend to normalize boyfriends/husbands having a degree of ownership and possession over girlfriends/wives… This in turn makes it more likely that coercively controlling behavior from boyfriends/husbands will be excused or romanticized (Katz, 2022, p. 28).

When ownership is disguised as love, abusers feel justified and survivors may be left doubting themselves. A woman can be told she is fortunate to be loved so intensely, even as her freedom is stripped away.

Abusers rarely declare outright that someone is their property, but their actions reveal it. Checking phones, cutting off friendships, or controlling money are not quirks of character or signs of care. They are acts of possession.

When Partners Become Possessions

Once someone is treated as an object to be owned, equality vanishes. One person claims power and the other is expected to obey.

This can appear in many forms:
• Demanding constant updates on a partner’s whereabouts
• Blocking contact with friends or family without consent
• Monitoring social media or demanding passwords
• Treating a partner’s body as available whenever they wish

To outsiders, this might look like jealousy, but at its heart it is ownership and the belief ‘your life belongs to me’.

This is why abuse often intensifies as relationships continue. The abuser views commitment as acquisition, as though shared history grants them the right to greater control, more intrusion and harsher punishment when their partner resists. Instead of respect growing over time, they tighten their grip. Possessiveness is not insecurity, it is the essence of abuse and ownership.

Words That Reveal Possession

The language used by abusers often uncovers their underlying beliefs.
• You are mine
• You belong to me
• If I cannot have you, no one will
• I made you who you are

These are not declarations of love. They are statements of ownership. What may sound harmless in ordinary life becomes a claim of entitlement when spoken in an abusive setting.

Some abusers go even further and mark their partners physically. Evan Stark, in his book Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life, recounts how “abusive men have forced women in my caseload to bear tattoos, bites, burns, and similar marks of ownership” (Stark, 2007).

He explains that the issue is so widespread that the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, in partnership with the American Academy of Facial, Plastic, and Reconstructive Surgery, created a free service to remove tattoos and other forms of ‘branding’ inflicted on women and children by abusive partners.

Children Treated as Property

Ownership does not end with intimate partners. Children are frequently treated as possessions to be shaped, displayed, or used.

For abusive parents, children may be:
• Extensions of their own ego, expected to achieve in ways that boost the parent’s image
• Instruments of control, drawn into loyalty tests or used to manipulate the other parent
• Objects of possession, claimed as “mine” while the other parent’s connection is dismissed

This can result in strict rules that have nothing to do with the child’s wellbeing but everything to do with enforcing authority. Children may be paraded in public as evidence of success yet neglected or frightened at home. Their individuality is erased because, in the abuser’s mind, they are property.

Separation often makes this worse. Men who showed little involvement in parenting may suddenly demand equal custody, not out of care but because they refuse to lose what they consider theirs. Custody disputes become another way to impose control.

The psychological harm to children is profound. They grow up feeling confused, silenced, and torn by divided loyalties.

The outcome can also be fatal. Children are sometimes harmed or even killed to punish the mother. Their lives are not treated as sacred but as extensions of the abuser’s rights of ownership, expendable when control slips away.

When the Belief in Ownership Turns Deadly

The most dangerous point for victims is often when they attempt to leave. Once the illusion of ownership is broken, the abuser’s rage can turn lethal.

Some stalk or monitor their ex-partner, threaten new partners, intimidate supporters, or abduct children. Separation is the moment when their sense of possession faces the greatest challenge, and some abusers will stop at nothing to reassert control.

Sexual violence is also common at this stage. Post-separation rape is a brutal assertion of the ownership belief ‘you are still mine, and I retain rights to your body until I say otherwise’. It is not about sexual desire but about punishing defiance.

In 2024, in Hertfordshire, England, Kyle Clifford, a former soldier, stormed the home of his ex-girlfriend Louise Hunt. He murdered her mother on the doorstep, tied Louise up and raped her, before killing her and her sister with a crossbow.

These atrocities are not isolated. Post-separation killings follow a recognisable pattern linked to coercive control, where the abuser cannot accept the loss of ownership.

As Stark cautions, “the ultimate expression of property rights is the right of disposal illustrated by the statement that frequently precedes femicide, If I can’t have you, no one will” (Stark, 2007).

Reclaiming Selfhood and Naming Abuse as Ownership

Living as someone else’s property leaves profound scars. Survivors often describe feeling hollow or invisible, their sense of self reduced to almost nothing because every decision required permission. These wounds do not disappear the moment the relationship ends. Healing is the gradual process of reclaiming ownership of your own life, step by step, often supported by those who remind you that you are not an object but a human being.

It may seem easier to describe abuse as jealousy or anger rather than face the more painful truth. But naming ownership clears the haze. It validates what survivors instinctively knew, the suffocating experience of being treated as a possession and the constant fear of stepping out of line. It also disrupts the myths that excuse controlling behaviour.

This ownership is not only a private matter. It is also a social one. Courts often reduce children to bargaining tools. Popular culture continues to romanticise jealousy as proof of love. Each of these messages reinforces the very attitudes that sustain abuse.

The truth must be declared. Ownership is dehumanisation. No person is property. No child is a prize. No relationship is a contract of possession.

Healing is not only about escaping the abuser’s grip. It is about reclaiming the deeper truth that you belong to yourself.

References

Katz, E. (2022). Coercive control in children’s and mothers’ lives. Oxford University Press.

Stark, E. (2007). Coercive control: How men entrap women in personal life. Oxford University Press.

The Painful Grip of Hope in Abusive Relationships

By
Samara Knight
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hope in abusive relationships

Hope is often celebrated as one of the strongest forces within the human spirit. It carries people through hardship, inspires personal growth, and sustains the vision of a brighter tomorrow. Yet when it comes to abusive relationships, hope takes on a far more complicated meaning. Instead of guiding someone out of harm, it can become the chain that fastens them to the cycle of abuse. Abusers understand how to exploit hope, and those who are desperate for things to improve hold onto it, even when it only deepens their suffering.

Hope as a Tool of Manipulation

At its essence, hope is about imagining a different future. Psychologists describe it as the conviction that things can change, that tomorrow might hold relief, and that pain will eventually pass. Within an abusive relationship, this natural human projection is deliberately twisted. Abusers alternate between cruelty and fleeting moments of affection, apology, or tenderness. These unpredictable rewards form what psychologists call intermittent reinforcement, the same mechanism that keeps gamblers locked to slot machines, waiting for the next payoff no matter how much they lose.

As one survivor explained, “if the abuse were constant, it would be easier to recognise. But moments of kindness create confusion and keep us hooked, making us hold onto hope that things will change.”

This hope is not irrational. Abusers do sometimes apologise, sometimes act caring, and sometimes promise a better future. These glimpses of normality seem like proof that change is real, when in reality they are calculated strategies designed to maintain power and control.

The Weight of Responsibility Shifted onto Victims

Hope in abusive relationships rarely feels neutral. It becomes tangled with blame, shame, and guilt. Abusers convince their partners that any possibility of change depends entirely on the victim’s behaviour. If shouting occurs, the victim is accused of provoking it. If the abuser sulks, the victim is told they have failed them. If there is an explosion of rage, the fault is shifted back onto the victim’s supposed shortcomings.

One survivor described it clearly: “They make you believe they can change which is relative to how you behave, because they are only reacting and everything is your fault. Therefore if you want him to change, be better. They dig a dark hole and keep a glimmer of light enough for you to keep going. It is never their fault, always yours.”

In this way, hope transforms into self-blame. It is no longer just about waiting for him to change, it becomes about desperately trying to be perfect so that he will change. This is not only manipulation, but psychological imprisonment. The responsibility is placed entirely on the victim, while the abuser remains unchallenged and unaccountable.

From a trauma psychology perspective, this pattern connects to the survival response known as fawning, where appeasing the source of harm feels like the only way to stay safe. The hope that if I can just do better, he will stop is part of that fawn response, offering an illusion of control in a situation where real control has been stripped away.

When Hope Becomes the Reason to Stay

For many survivors, hope in abusive relationships is the number one reason they stayed even when the harm was undeniable. Hope acts like a rope, pulling them back every time they consider leaving. Thoughts begin to circle: maybe he did not mean it, maybe therapy will change things, maybe the good days will return.

“Deep down I still wanted it to work out and for him to understand and take accountability,” one survivor shared. “If I had not believed his lies, it would have been easier to leave. But honestly the hopium still gripped me right up until he had the locks on our home changed. Completely letting go of hope was the hardest thing that kept me from leaving, and I pretty much had to be kicked out for my eyes to fully open.”

Another survivor remembered: “Every time I tried to leave, he would cry and beg, saying he could not live without me. I wanted to believe those tears were real. So I stayed, even though the cycle repeated. It was not love that kept me there in the end, it was hope that maybe this time he was telling the truth.”

These accounts reveal the painful paradox: hope stretches out the suffering while appearing to promise relief. It holds back the moment of realisation when survival instinct finally takes over and leaving becomes the only path forward.

Hope as a Coping Mechanism

It is important to recognise that hope in abusive relationships is not weakness or denial. For many victims, it becomes a vital coping tool. Clinging to hope makes the intolerable feel just a little more bearable. If there is a chance of change, the pain feels less permanent, less crushing. Hope allows them to believe there is an end point, a time when things will improve.

From a psychological perspective, this is a form of cognitive coping. The mind searches for a way to reconcile ongoing abuse with the basic human need for connection and safety. Hope becomes the imagined bridge between unbearable reality and longed for possibility.

As one survivor put it, If I admitted to myself it would never change, I would have had to face the reality that I had wasted years of my life. It was easier to hold onto hope than to face the truth.

Here lies the core trap: the very belief that provides short term survival is the same one that prolongs long term entrapment.

The Collapse of Hope and the Turning Point

For those who eventually escape, there is often a single breaking point when hope finally disintegrates. It may come after violence escalates, after a betrayal becomes impossible to ignore, or when someone outside intervenes. When hope collapses, clarity begins to emerge. The survivor can finally see that the abuser’s behaviour was never just isolated mistakes, but an unbroken pattern of control, entitlement, and harm.

This breaking of hope can feel devastating, but it also creates freedom. Without clinging to the fantasy of a better future with the abuser, survivors can start imagining a future without them.

In recovery, hope often reappears, but in a transformed way. Instead of being invested in the abuser, it is directed inward, towards healing, safety, and self discovery. Hope becomes the thread that connects survivors to their own capacity for rebuilding.

Looking back, many survivors feel shame that hope kept them trapped for so long. But that hope was part of what kept them functioning in circumstances designed to break them. The shift now lies in where the hope is placed. It no longer rests on the abuser’s potential to change, but on the survivor’s right to rebuild, their ability to create safety, and their vision of life free from abuse.

Featured image: Mark Adams / Adobe Stock.

The Impact of Coercive Control on Children: New Study Highlights Hidden Harms

By
Samara Knight
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impact of coercive control on children

A new study from the University of Queensland has found that children who grow up exposed to coercive control are at much greater risk of developing mental health problems later in life. Researchers reported that intimidation, surveillance, and economic abuse in the home significantly increase the likelihood of depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and substance misuse in adulthood.

The findings, which are published in the British Journal of Psychiatry, highlight that the impact of coercive control on children is long-lasting and severe, even when no physical violence is involved. Children in these environments learn to live under constant fear and manipulation, which can shape their development and sense of self for years to come.

According to the researchers, post-separation abuse must be treated as seriously as abuse that occurs during a relationship. They found that coercive tactics often continue after a relationship ends, through systems abuse, financial pressure, and the weaponisation of children in custody disputes.

Children Used as Tools of Control

Many survivors say that leaving a relationship did not bring freedom, but instead marked the beginning of new forms of abuse that centred on their children. These tactics often include pressuring children to provide information about the other parent, withholding child support, and using legal processes to maintain control.

“He called the police anonymously to report concerns about my mental health. Then he contacted children’s services, claiming I was the problem. He stopped paying child support and sent threatening emails about taking the kids away,” one survivor recalled.

Another explained how her children became unwilling messengers in a campaign of surveillance. “He constantly asked the kids about my activities. Then he’d confront me later, twisting their innocent answers into accusations. It felt like I was being watched all the time.”

The study found that when children are used as tools in this way, the bond with their protective parent is undermined, and their trust in relationships is deeply damaged. These experiences contribute to the long-term impact of coercive control on children, influencing how they relate to others and how they understand safety and power.

Courts and Systems as a Battleground

Researchers also noted that family courts and other institutions can inadvertently provide avenues for perpetrators to continue their abuse. By filing repeated claims, manipulating visitation schedules, or refusing to meet financial obligations, abusers are able to maintain pressure on both the parent and the children.

“My ex uses our kids as weapons in family court,” one survivor shared. “He files endless claims, refuses to pay maintenance, rearranges visitation to disrupt my work, and then doesn’t show up.”

Experts described these actions as “systems abuse,” where legal and bureaucratic processes are exploited to prolong control. For children, the constant conflict and unpredictability add to their stress and create environments that research increasingly links with long-term health risks. The findings show that the impact of coercive control on children extends well beyond the family home and into the very structures meant to protect them.

The study, based on data from more than 16,000 participants in the Australian Child Maltreatment Study, concluded that coercive control has a direct and measurable effect on children’s mental health outcomes.

The researchers noted that women who experienced domestic violence and coercive control as children showed the highest rates of PTSD, depression, and self-harm, while men were more likely to develop substance use problems and engage in binge drinking or smoking.

The study recommended urgent investment in trauma-informed, child-centred interventions, as well as reforms to ensure that children are recognised as victim-survivors in their own right. Legal protections, the researchers argued, need to be strengthened so that perpetrators cannot continue to exploit children as a means of control after separation.

Hidden Wounds That Last

The research emphasised that the impact of coercive control on children often goes unseen. Unlike physical injuries, the psychological harm is hidden, yet it carries serious consequences across the lifespan. Survivors and researchers warn that without stronger protections, children who grow up in these environments are likely to carry the scars into adulthood.

The findings underline that post-separation abuse is not just a private dispute between parents. It is a child protection issue that requires urgent attention. Addressing the impact of coercive control on children, experts say, is essential to breaking the cycle of harm and safeguarding the mental health of the next generation.

Featured image: Nola Viglietti/peopleimages.com / Adobe Stock.

“I’ll Take the Kids”: How Threats Trap Victims in Abuse

By
Samara Knight
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abuse threats

When people ask, “Why didn’t you just leave?” they often fail to see the invisible prison built through threats. These warnings lock victims into a state where every decision seems risky and every act of resistance may come at a dangerous cost.

Even minor steps toward autonomy—refusing demands, speaking up, or asserting boundaries—can be met with threats of reprisal. When victims contemplate leaving entirely, the risks climb even higher. The abuser may threaten to kill them, sabotage their finances, or destroy their relationships and reputation.

Such intimidation doesn’t only create immediate fear. Abusive threats reshape a person’s perception of what is safe or possible until submission becomes the only option that feels survivable.

Threats of Violence: When Fear Is the Cage

One of the most blatant forms of coercive control is a threat of physical violence. Abusers may explicitly state their intention to harm or kill, leaving victims terrified of what might happen if they resist. One woman recalled, “He told me the only way I would be leaving was in a wooden box. He also threatened to slash my face to bits. Because of the level of abuse this scared me so much I believed he would do it.”

But threats don’t always need words. The presence of a weapon, the sound of fists hitting the wall, or a violent outburst like smashing furniture can communicate danger just as clearly. As one survivor put it, “He stalked me, looming over me and advancing until he had me backed into a corner. The look in his eyes and the pure calculated threat in his movements made it scarier than any of the times he actually laid hands on me.”

Abuse threats like these are effective because they seem credible. Even if no physical attack has yet occurred, the very possibility is enough to instill lasting fear.

That fear only intensifies when threats extend to children, animals, or close relatives. Abusers understand that the desire to protect others can override a victim’s instinct to escape. One survivor explained, “I was convinced I was actually protecting my loved ones by staying. He threatened to murder the people closest to me if I left, in great detail… so I stayed longer.”

These threats strike at a person’s most deeply held protective instincts. The abuser doesn’t need to carry them out, just raising the possibility is enough to maintain control through terror and silence.

Abuse Threats Involving Children: Targeting the Strongest Bonds

Threats involving children are among the most psychologically devastating forms of abuse threats. Abusers may suggest they’ll take the children, lie in court to win custody, or emotionally manipulate them against the other parent.

One mother described, “He told me that if I left, the children would grow up hating me because he would make sure they believed I was the problem.” Another recalled, “He said if I didn’t agree to 50/50 custody, he would lie about me in court and get my child taken away from me.”

These threats target the core of a parent’s love and instincts to protect. Victims are made to feel that any move toward independence could cause lasting harm to their children.

The emotional consequences run deep. Many parents remain in abusive relationships because they believe enduring the abuse is the only way to shield their children from greater suffering.

Suicide and Self-Harm Threats: Guilt as a Weapon

Some abusers use the threat of suicide or self-harm as a tool of emotional control. When the victim tries to create boundaries or express dissatisfaction, the abuser responds by implying, or outright stating, that they will harm themselves.

One survivor said, “He constantly threatened or even made multiple shallow attempts to kill himself whenever I needed something he could not give, or if I wanted to address something I did not like in our relationship.”

Another recalled, “He always threatened to kill himself if I left. I always knew he meant them to keep me chained to him and his abuse. I asked for a divorce after another abusive morning January of this year, and he killed himself in the next room with my daughter and I in the house.”

Threats like these twist love, fear, and responsibility into psychological shackles. The victim may come to believe that their partner’s life depends on their presence. The emotional trap is complete: staying feels like a moral obligation, while leaving risks devastating consequences and unbearable guilt.

Abusers frequently threaten their partners with financial collapse or legal consequences. These threats can include making them homeless, cutting off funds, destroying credit, or manipulating the legal system to paint them as unstable or unfit.

One survivor recalled, “He told me that if I ever left, he would make sure I ended up on the street with nothing, and that no judge would ever give me the kids.”

Such threats entangle victims in fear of poverty, custody loss, or legal retribution. When the very systems that are meant to offer support, such as housing services, courts, or child welfare, are wielded as weapons by the abuser, the path to safety becomes obscured.

For many, the threat of losing everything makes the cost of leaving too high to bear.

Threats to Destroy Reputation: When Silence Feels Safer

Character assassination, blackmail, and public shaming are powerful tools of coercion. Abusers often threaten to share nude photos, reveal personal secrets, or distort the victim’s behaviour to damage their standing in the community or workplace.

One survivor remembered, “He told me that if I left, he would post private photos of me online and tell everyone I was sleeping around. I believed him because he had already shown me how easily he could convince people of his lies.” Another said, “He threatened to call my boss and tell him I was using drugs. I knew that the accusation would be enough to destroy my job.”

These threats isolate the victim by discrediting them in advance. Fear of humiliation, unemployment, or losing custody pushes many into silence. Reputational threats cut deep because they don’t just endanger safety, they strike at identity, dignity, and the fundamental need to be believed.

When victims lose credibility in the eyes of others, they feel powerless to seek help, reinforcing the abuser’s control.

Abandonment Threats: Manipulating the Fear of Being Left

Not all threats involve physical danger or legal sabotage. Some are emotional in nature, exploiting the victim’s fear of abandonment, rejection, or being unloved. Abusers may threaten to leave, withdraw affection, or file for divorce as punishment. One survivor recalled, “He threatened to break up or divorce me anytime I did not obey him or if I questioned him.”

For those who are isolated, financially dependent, or emotionally invested, these threats can be devastating. Over time, victims learn to suppress their needs and avoid conflict just to preserve the relationship.

This dynamic gradually erodes their sense of identity, trapping them in a connection that offers no real safety but still feels impossible to lose.

Subtle and Coded Abuse Threats: Control Without Words

Some threats are never explicitly stated but are communicated through tone, implication, or context. For instance, an abuser jealous of their partner’s work trip might say, “I’ll do my best with the dog, but you know how bad I am at looking after him. I just hope nothing happens while you’re gone.” It sounds like a harmless remark, but the underlying message is clear: if you go, there may be consequences.

These abuse threats are intentionally vague, making the victim unsure if their fear is justified. The uncertainty creates psychological distress and causes them to second-guess every decision.

Over time, this kind of veiled threat wears down confidence and keeps the victim in a constant state of anxiety, unsure whether pushing back will provoke harm.

Threats Paired With ‘Reassurance’: The Most Chilling Contradiction

Sometimes a threat comes with a ‘disclaimer’. The abuser may say something like, “If I really wanted to, I could ruin your career in a heartbeat, but I’d never do that because I care about you.” Or, “If I stopped paying the bills, you’d lose everything, but I wouldn’t let that happen to you.”

Rather than easing fear, this mix of threat and reassurance deepens it. These abuse threats are framed to seem compassionate, giving the abuser cover to deny intent while leaving the victim frightened and destabilised.

If the victim questions the comment, the abuser can feign innocence or accuse them of overreacting. This manipulation keeps the victim walking on eggshells, constantly unsure whether danger is real or imagined.

Symbolic Threats: When No One Else Can See It

Among the most chilling abuse threats are the ones only the victim understands. A glance, gesture, or familiar object can send a message that outsiders completely miss.

Evan Stark recounts a chilling example in Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. Cheryl, a talented pitcher, played on her factory softball team. After several strong innings, her boyfriend Jason would walk onto the field carrying a sweatshirt and say, “Sweetheart, you must be cold. Put this on.” To her teammates, he looked considerate. But Cheryl knew it meant she had broken his unspoken rule about not making him jealous. The sweatshirt symbolised that later she would be beaten, and it would be used to cover the bruises.

These coded threats are powerful precisely because they are invisible to others. If the victim tries to explain what happened, they risk sounding paranoid or unstable.

The secrecy only deepens the isolation, forcing the victim to suffer alone while others remain unaware.

The Silent Weapon That Holds Victims Hostage

To outsiders, threats may appear less serious than direct violence. But to those experiencing them, they form the very structure of entrapment. They create a world where every decision feels unsafe, and every attempt at freedom feels like risking everything, life, safety, dignity, or children.

Even if no physical harm occurs, the terror is real. When people ask, “Why didn’t you just leave?”—this is one of the clearest answers. Threats don’t just intimidate. They imprison. Once that fear is planted, it can hold stronger than any physical chain.

Featured image: KomootP / Adobe Stock.

Abusive Entitlement: Why Domestic Abusers Believe You Owe Them

By
Samara Knight
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entitlement and abuse

Domestic abuse doesn’t appear out of thin air. It stems from a particular way of thinking – a mindset that convinces the abuser that they deserve special privileges and unquestioned devotion. At the heart of this mindset lies entitlement.

Entitlement is the belief that a partner exists to serve the abuser, to meet their needs without question or boundary. When that entitlement is challenged, whether by resistance, a request for respect, or simple noncompliance, it often triggers anger, retaliation, and a ready-made justification for abusive behavior.

For many survivors, recognizing entitlement as a driving force helps bring clarity to confusing experiences. What once felt personal, “Why can’t I do anything right?”, becomes visible as part of a broader script that many perpetrators follow.

The Entitlement Mindset Behind Abuse

An abuser’s inflated sense of entitlement makes them believe that their partner’s role is to meet every demand. This can include housework, emotional caretaking, sex on demand, or keeping the relationship intact regardless of how harmful the abuser’s actions become.

This way of thinking isn’t just about individual flaws; it is often reinforced by cultural expectations and gender roles. Many survivors of male-perpetrated abuse recall their partners claiming to be “the head of the household” and insisting that such a role entitled them to dictate the rules.

When reality fails to meet those expectations, when a partner asks for boundaries, refuses to comply, or simply says “no”, the abuser sees this as a personal slight. What should be a normal disagreement is recast as defiance, and defiance is seen as something that must be punished.

Entitlement and abuse are inseparable. Control rests on entitlement, and every abusive act, from a cutting remark to the most severe violence, is justified in the abuser’s mind as a response to what they believe their partner failed to give them.

Everyday Expressions of Entitlement

Entitlement doesn’t remain hidden. It shows up in daily behaviors that shape the relationship dynamic. Survivors often describe recurring patterns like these:

Controlling Decisions

Abusers who feel entitled believe they have the right to control every aspect of life: finances, parenting, clothing, friendships, and even whether their partner is allowed to leave the house. Genuine consent is erased, and manipulation or intimidation takes its place. The inner script says, “I know best, and you owe me obedience.”

When a survivor tries to assert their independence, choosing their own clothes, seeing friends, or spending their own money, the abuser interprets this as a challenge to their authority. This often leads to anger, intimidation, or escalated control.

The effect is profoundly destabilizing. Decisions made against your will or without your voice send a clear message: your perspective does not matter. Over time, this erodes autonomy and leaves you feeling like a bystander in your own life.

How Entitlement Erases Your Feelings

Entitlement also shapes how abusers treat emotions. They act as though their feelings outweigh yours, demanding constant prioritization. The underlying belief is: “My emotions matter more, and it is your job to take care of them.”

This dynamic is clear in situations involving jealousy. Instead of recognizing jealousy as their own insecurity, an abuser reframes it as a right: “I have a right to know where you are at all times.” If the survivor pushes back, the abuser may say, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t mind.” In their mind, discomfort justifies control, while their partner’s frustration or fear is irrelevant.

Over time, this entitled pattern eats away at self-worth. When one person’s emotions are consistently dismissed while the other’s dominate the relationship, it becomes entirely one-sided. Many survivors describe feeling as though their role was not to be a partner with equal needs but to constantly soothe, accommodate, and absorb the abuser’s emotions at their own expense.

Sexual Entitlement

One of the most damaging expressions of entitlement is sexual entitlement. Many abusers treat their partner’s body as property. They see sex not as mutual intimacy but as something owed.

This plays out in countless ways. Some survivors describe being guilt-tripped into sex, told it was their “duty” as a spouse or partner. Others recall threats of anger, rejection, or infidelity if they refused. At its most extreme, this sense of ownership escalates to assault or marital rape — acts the abuser justifies as claiming what is “theirs.”

Research confirms what survivors already know. Studies show that men with entitled attitudes in relationships are more likely to disregard boundaries and use coercion. For instance, Gleason and colleagues (2019) found that young men who endorsed beliefs like, “If I take a woman out and pay for everything, I deserve sexual favors,” were significantly more likely to admit to using pressure, manipulation, or force to obtain sex.

How Entitlement Fuels Punishment

Entitlement frames resistance as disobedience, so abusers often take on a punitive role, acting like they have the right to “teach lessons.” This punishment can take many forms: physical violence, withholding affection, silent treatment, restricting access to money, transport, or communication.

They often justify these punishments as necessary corrections. Phrases such as, “I wouldn’t have to hit you if you just listened,” or “This is for your own good,” reveal the depth of entitlement at play. These statements present abuse as reasonable instruction rather than what it really is – a denial of equality and autonomy.

At its root, entitlement and abuse merge into the belief that the abuser has the right to enforce obedience, treating their partner as property or a child. This strips away the foundation of any healthy relationship: mutual respect and equality.

Entitlement at Its Most Dangerous

The entitlement that underpins abuse becomes especially dangerous when a partner tries to leave. Separation is often interpreted as the greatest betrayal and the ultimate threat to control.

For some, this entitlement leads to stalking, harassment, or financial interference. For others, it escalates to physical attacks or even homicide. Research shows that many domestic homicides occur at the point of separation, when the abuser’s belief in their ownership reaches its breaking point.

In a tragic 1999 case, 17-year-old Nicole Sanchez was shot and killed by her 23-year-old boyfriend, Lionel Villarreal, after she tried to end their relationship. Family members had noticed troubling behaviors. Villarreal reportedly shouted, “If I can’t have you, nobody can,” moments before shooting Nicole and causing a fatal wound. His words made the entitlement behind his violence chillingly clear.

Why Naming Entitlement Matters

For survivors, understanding entitlement can transform how they see what happened to them. Many spend years believing abuse stems from stress, alcohol, or unresolved trauma. While those factors may complicate matters, the deeper truth is that abusers act from a belief system that tells them their needs come first.

This recognition is powerful. It helps survivors see that abuse was not their fault, nor was it caused by their weaknesses or mistakes. It was rooted in the abuser’s conviction that they were entitled to control.

Recognizing entitlement and abuse is essential both for prevention and for response. It shifts the focus from viewing abuse as anger or impulse to understanding it as a deliberate, belief-driven choice — one where the abuser feels morally justified in their actions.

Featured image: Entitlement fuels abuse. Source: Rawpixel.com / Adobe Stock.

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Coercive Control Is Showing Up in Friendships – But the Law Is Not Ready

By
Samara Knight
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coercive control in friendships

Coercive control has long been recognised in the context of domestic abuse, but new data suggests the behaviour is spilling into an unexpected territory – friendships. Kids Helpline, a national support service for young people in Australia, says it has received more than 1,000 reports from teenagers and young adults describing coercive control by peers. The calls were recorded between January 2024 and July 2025 and represent a small but growing proportion of the service’s caseload.

ABC News reports that Kids Helpline counsellors are hearing young people use terms such as ‘coercive control’, ‘gaslighting’, and ‘toxic relationships’ with increasing frequency when describing peer dynamics. National Service Manager Leo Hede described this as an emergent issue that appears to be on the rise.

Most of the reports have come from girls and young women aged between 15 and 18. But the behaviour is not limited to gender or age. Friends monitoring locations, issuing ultimatums, demanding loyalty, and isolating others from social groups are all patterns young callers have described.

Walking on eggshells with friends

The voices of those affected paint a picture of friendships that feel less like support and more like entrapment. According to ABC News, one young woman in her 20s said she experienced years of cycles in which a friend alternated between overwhelming affection and cruel behaviour. She recalled being pressured into location sharing, urged to distance herself from her partner, and constantly on edge about how her friend might react.

Another young woman reported being insulted whenever she challenged her friend’s behaviour. She described being tracked through social media apps and repeatedly told she was a bad friend when she tried to set boundaries. For her, the experience went beyond what she considered toxic and into the realm of abuse.

A young man described how one of his male friends relentlessly pressured him to socialise and escalated into stalking behaviour when he tried to disengage. He recalled that when he said no, the situation would explode into hostility. The friend reportedly turned up at his home and even his parents’ house when ignored, leaving him socially isolated and hesitant to talk about what was happening.

These stories suggest that while coercive control is often framed as an issue of domestic abuse, it can just as easily exist in platonic settings, shaping young people’s experiences of friendship and trust.

Experts also note that coercive control can appear in many other contexts, including the workplace, where managers or colleagues may dominate and intimidate staff, in relationships where adult children exert control over elderly parents, and within groups such as gangs or cults where compliance is demanded through manipulation and fear.

Technology, surveillance and shifting norms

Experts say digital culture is accelerating the problem. Australia’s eSafety Commissioner Julie Inman-Grant has raised concerns that the widespread use of location sharing and in-app tracking is normalising surveillance among young people. She has pointed out that children may come to see monitoring as a sign of care, particularly because many parents already use such technology.

Criminologist Dr Hayley Boxall from the Australian National University has found that younger people are more likely than older generations to view monitoring and tracking as acceptable within close relationships. She argues that this creates a lens in which surveillance is interpreted as affection, whether in romantic relationships or in friendships.

The legal gap: Where friendships fall through

While the rise in awareness may help some young people recognise and name unhealthy patterns, Australia’s legal framework has not caught up with this emerging reality. Coercive control has been criminalised in several jurisdictions, including New South Wales, Queensland, and Tasmania. These laws were designed to address abuse in intimate partner relationships. But the laws do not extend to friendships or other non-romantic relationships. This creates a significant gap.

A teenager being tracked and isolated by a controlling friend will not find protection under the current legislation. Researchers have also noted that data on coercive control outside of romantic partnerships is scarce, leaving policymakers without the evidence base to expand legal protections.

For now, coercive control between friends is often categorised as bullying or harassment rather than abuse. That classification overlooks the seriousness of the behaviour and the long-term impact it can have on mental health. Survivors describe lingering distrust, anxiety, and reluctance to form new connections, echoing the trauma reported by survivors of intimate partner coercion.

Rising awareness on coercive control

For Kids Helpline, the data is not entirely negative. Staff believe the rise in reports could indicate that young people are becoming more aware of unhealthy patterns and able to recognise them sooner.

Still, frontline workers, researchers, and advocates argue that more needs to be done. Education campaigns that explain coercive control in plain language could help young people recognise when a friendship crosses the line. Schools may also play a role by incorporating discussions of relational health that go beyond the romantic sphere.

For now, support services like Kids Helpline remain one of the few places where young people can turn when their friendships stop being safe spaces and start feeling like cages.

Featured image: Coercive control in friendships is on the rise. Source: TommyStockProject / Adobe Stock.

Words of Strength from Survivors to Those Still Living in Abuse

By
Samara Knight
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support for abuse victims

When I asked on social media what messages survivors would want to share with people who remain in abusive relationships, I anticipated some heartfelt words. What I did not foresee was the overwhelming tide of responses that came through, each carrying the weight of lived truth and the gentleness of compassion. Reading their voices left me profoundly moved.

Not everyone enduring abuse has someone nearby to remind them that their feelings are valid, that their fear is logical, and that they are entitled to a life free from cruelty. Abusers deliberately sever connections, cutting their partners off from family, friends, and outside perspectives, leaving them feeling silenced and powerless. This is why these shared words matter so much. They serve as a collective voice of encouragement, speaking to anyone who feels trapped and silenced.

What follows are these words, offered exactly as they were written, together with reflections on their meaning. May they bring comfort to anyone still weathering the storm of abuse.

Confronting Fear and Choosing to Leave

Leaving an abusive relationship is among the most daunting decisions anyone can make. It feels like stepping off a cliff into the unknown without a parachute. Survivors often describe the endless questions that fill their minds: How will I support myself? How will my children adjust? What will my abuser do if I attempt to go? Will anyone take my story seriously?

This explains why many remain longer than outsiders can understand. Internally, fear and dread make even the smallest movement forward feel impossible. Yet many survivors recall a moment when something shifts, when the terror of leaving is suddenly overshadowed by the impossibility of surviving even one more day, one more hour, one more minute. That instant of clarity becomes the breaking point, though fear itself does not instantly vanish.

Those who have lived through this understand how agonising the process is. That is why their messages to those still trapped are filled with both urgency and compassion:

“You are not what they say you are. You are braver, smarter, kinder, and more lovable than they can possibly appreciate.”

“Abuse is not love. You deserve safety, tenderness, and respect. Leaving isn’t easy, but you don’t have to face it alone. When you’re ready, reach out for support. Your voice and future matter more than their control.”

“I know how strong you are. Do whatever you have to do till you can escape.”

“It’s okay to be terrified. Fear doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re human. You can be afraid and still take this step to freedom.”

These words do not erase the fear but instead affirm the value and dignity of those enduring abuse.

Exposing the Lies That Abuse Creates

Abuse manifests in many ways, and the psychological wounds can be just as destructive as physical harm. Abusers manipulate reality, gaslight, and claim their cruelty is justified or even imagined. Over time, victims begin to question their own judgement. They may start to believe the lies – that they are worthless, unlovable, or at fault. Escaping this mental stranglehold is as crucial as leaving the physical environment.

That is why so many survivor responses emphasised affirming worth and dismantling the false narratives planted by abuse:

“Know that you’re worthy of a good life.”

“You’re enough just the way you are. Look at yourself with softness.”

“You were not put on this earth to be tormented by other humans with malevolent or sadistic intentions. Bad people are real, and you are entitled to boundaries and peace.”

“You won’t fix him. He won’t change, he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t need to, he’s not the one suffering! It’s never easy, it’s always worth it!”

“The way they treat you says everything about them and nothing about your value.”

“You are not difficult or needy for wanting love and respect. You deserve them.”

To some, these may sound like familiar phrases, but they are life-giving truths. They counteract years of systematic erosion of self-worth. Survivors who offer them know how deeply those lies take root and how difficult it can be to let new beliefs in. They also know that support for abuse victims often means hearing these reminders again and again until they slowly feel true.

Reclaiming Trust in Your Own Voice

One of the cruellest aspects of abuse is how it severs you from your own intuition. When every instinct is ridiculed, questioned, or punished, self-trust vanishes. Survivors wanted those still inside to remember that their inner voice has not disappeared, and that it can lead them to freedom:

“Trust your instinct, listen to your confusion: things jar for a reason. An abuser isn’t seeking peace & resolution, but conflict & pain, even while pretending you’re the cause.”

“It’s not your fault it’s happening. You’re wonderful and special. You’re not alone and deserve to be treated with respect. The other side is peaceful.”

 “If something inside you keeps whispering that this isn’t right, please listen. That voice is yours, and it’s trying to guide you.”

“No one needs you, aside from children, more than you need yourself. You are the most important person to take care of.”

“You are stronger than you think. Believe in yourself. You don’t need to stay in a situation which feels wrong.”

“Do not beat yourself up about not leaving. Your time will come. And when it does you will have no doubt that the time is right for you. We are all individual – what is right for one person may not be right for you. Trust your gut, it is never wrong.”

These words acknowledge that timing is deeply personal. Leaving is not simple, and no one should feel shame for not being ready yet. Yet they affirm that self-trust acts as the compass that will eventually guide the way out.

Beyond Abuse

Perhaps the most powerful responses were those that depicted life after abuse – a life that feels unimaginable while still under control, but which survivors insist is real and within reach.

“One day you will hold your grandchildren with the love and safety you deserve. You are worthy of more. Honour your survival and resilience that has now given you the strength and determination to take that first step. In 5 years’ time, you will look back upon this experience and be very proud of yourself.”

“You are not trapped. You are worthy, you can always start again. Everything is going to be ok.”

“Some advice a total stranger gave to me once out of the blue. I don’t know how she knew, but she knew. She said to me, ‘One day you will look in the mirror and you will decide no more, and you will leave.’ That lady was right, I did.”

“It’s always a million times better on the other side. Use all available resources and fight for your freedom.”

 “If you feel on edge, ‘walking on eggshells,’ that’s not love. That’s control. You may love them, but you need to love yourself more. Never go back. That’s the greatest gift you can give yourself. Live on in peace.”

 “You’re allowed to not live like this. You’re precious to God, worth loving, and worth getting out to have a happy life.”

“Everyone gets just one chance to live. Make your life beautiful and pleasant. Be easy on yourself, have the courage to walk away from anyone that can’t make you feel loved and cherished. Anyone can start their life from any setback. Earth is vast and there is no end to hope.”

“It’s even better on the other side of abuse than I had imagined. I marvel at small, wonderful things: tonight it was the soft warm wind caressing my skin on the walk home from a movie theatre. I went ALONE, blessedly free.”

These are not abstract promises. They are rooted in the tangible joys of daily life – grandchildren hugged tight, quiet evenings alone, a home free from fear. Survivors make clear that these are not privileges, but the rightful of every human being.

A Shared Message of Hope

What struck me most while reading these testimonies was how they came together as a collective voice of survivors. Their united message says: you are not crazy, you are not alone, and you are not powerless.

Leaving will never be simple. It is frightening, uncertain, and often feels like walking into darkness. Yet survivors prove that light does wait on the other side. They demonstrate that healing is attainable, peace is real, and freedom is worth fighting for.

For anyone still trapped, may these words remind you of your value and the strength that lives within you, even in the bleakest hours. As one survivor put it: “Freedom may feel impossible now, but one day you’ll look back and realise you did the bravest thing of your life by choosing yourself.”

🌿 If you’d like a way to stay connected, I’ve opened a chat space where I share weekly prompts and reflections. It’s a quiet place to pause, breathe, and know you’re not alone.

Featured image: Messages of support for abuse victims. Source: stokkete / Adobe Stock.

Why “It Takes Two” Is a Misleading Idea About Domestic Abuse

By
Samara Knight
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It takes two abuse myth

The saying “It takes two to tango” is often used when talking about relationship struggles, carrying the suggestion that both partners are equally to blame and must share responsibility for finding a solution. But when applied to domestic abuse, this phrase is not just inaccurate, it is deeply harmful. It implies the survivor contributed to the abuse or that the answer lies in both parties “working on” the relationship together. In truth, this myth shifts accountability away from the abuser and places unfair pressure on the victim to repair what they did not cause.

Dr. Emma Katz, a leading researcher on coercive control, made this clear during a presentation at the Royal College of Psychiatrists: “The ‘it takes two to tango’ belief… must be challenged because only the perpetrator is responsible for coercive control.”

Abuse is not mutual conflict. It is one-sided. The abuser consciously creates conditions where the victim’s choices are restricted, their autonomy stripped away, and their every action policed or punished.

Abuse Is Rooted in Power, Not Disagreement

Domestic abuse is not about poor communication, everyday misunderstandings, or two people simply “butting heads.” It is a consistent pattern where one person uses power and control to dominate the other.

A common form of this is coercive control — a sustained strategy designed to undermine a survivor’s independence. It can involve isolation from friends and family, constant monitoring, threats, financial restrictions, intimidation, and psychological manipulation. Each of these tactics is intentional, aimed at stripping away autonomy and damaging a person’s sense of self.

This is what sets abuse apart from normal relationship struggles. Healthy relationships involve two people working through challenges with equal say and mutual respect. Abuse, by contrast, is completely one-sided. The aim is not understanding or resolution, but domination. The power balance collapses — one person dictates, while the other is left increasingly silenced, dependent, and afraid.

Why the Idea of “Mutual Abuse” Misrepresents Reality

The term “mutual abuse” is sometimes applied to relationships where both partners have shown aggression. Yet in situations of coercive control, there is never genuine equality. As Emma Katz (2022) explains in Coercive Control in Children’s and Mother’s Lives, what can look like conflict on the surface is not shared disagreement but “the highly unequal power dynamic… that precludes the possibility of mutuality.”

Survivors may at times shout, push back, or act out of fear, but this does not turn them into abusers. These moments — often labelled “reactive abuse” — are better understood as acts of reactive defence, a human response to long-term emotional, psychological, or physical harm. Abusers often provoke these reactions intentionally, then use them as evidence to paint themselves as the victim.

When context is ignored, especially the question of who holds the power, victims risk being misidentified as perpetrators. Using the language of “mutual abuse” hands abusers a convenient shield. They can dismiss their actions by claiming, “we were both toxic,” which blurs responsibility, avoids accountability, and further undermines the survivor’s confidence in their own reality.

How Abusers Twist the Story

Abusers often take advantage of the belief that both partners share responsibility for what happened. Statements such as “we both did bad things” sound balanced on the surface, but in reality they are tactics designed to sidestep accountability.

In legal or professional contexts, this strategy can seriously distort outcomes. By insisting “we were both abusive,” abusers create confusion for courts, mediators, and even for the survivor themselves. This framing props up the false idea that abuse stems from miscommunication or clashing personalities, rather than recognising it for what it is: one person deliberately harming and controlling another.

Seeing through this manipulation is crucial. Survivors need to understand that shifting blame — whether it comes from the abuser, from professionals, or from onlookers — is itself part of the abuse. Those working in legal, therapeutic, and safeguarding roles must be trained to identify when an abuser is reframing the narrative in order to preserve power and evade accountabil

The Risks of “It Takes Two” Thinking in Therapy

The belief that “it takes two to tango” becomes especially harmful when it shapes approaches to couples therapy. This model assumes both partners share responsibility and are equally able to work together to solve problems. In situations of coercive control, that assumption is not only incorrect but potentially dangerous.

When domestic abuse is misinterpreted as a relationship issue, therapy can end up reinforcing the abuser’s power. In the therapy room, the abuser may take control of the conversation, manipulate how the therapist perceives events, and present themselves as calm and rational while painting the survivor as unstable. The survivor, meanwhile, may feel pressured to compromise in ways that make them even less safe.

Domestic abuse is not the result of weak communication or minor misunderstandings. It comes from one person’s choice to dominate and control. Any therapeutic approach that overlooks this reality risks compounding the harm, silencing the survivor, and shielding the abuser from accountability.

Accountability Rests with the Abuser — Always

At the core of this issue is a fundamental truth: responsibility for abuse lies entirely with the abuser. Building a healthy, respectful relationship requires two willing partners. But as Karen McAndless-Davis, author of When Love Hurts, reminds us, “It only takes one person to destroy a relationship.”

Survivors are never at fault for being abused. They are not to blame for staying, for hoping things would change, or for reacting under immense pressure. Every victim is doing their best to survive circumstances they did not create.

Yet victim blaming remains widespread, often appearing in subtle, everyday ways. Survivors are frequently asked, “Why didn’t you leave?” — a question that reflects a deep misunderstanding of how abuse operates. Many remain because they are frightened, financially dependent, isolated from support networks, or psychologically manipulated. Others stay outwardly compliant in order to reduce immediate harm. None of these realities make them responsible for the abuse inflicted on them.

Some survivors carry vulnerabilities such as previous trauma, disability, or unmet emotional needs, which can make them more susceptible to coercion. But vulnerability is not responsibility. Responsibility lies solely with the person who chose to use violence, intimidation, or coercive control.

Challenging the myth that “it takes two to tango” shifts the weight of blame off survivors and places it firmly where it belongs — on the abuser. Only by naming this clearly can we begin to create conditions for genuine safety, justice, and lasting change.

Featured image: It takes two to tango does not apply to abuse. Image source: Grustock / Adobe Stock.

Why Imagining How You’d Handle Abuse Overlooks the Victim’s Reality

By
Samara Knight
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unhelpful responses to abuse

When survivors of domestic abuse share their stories, they are often met with an outpouring of reactions from friends, acquaintances, and even strangers. Many of these come from a place of care and outrage. Yet some fall into a familiar pattern: “If it were me, I would have walked out.” “I’d have slapped him across the face.” “I’d have told him exactly where to shove it.”

To the person saying this, it can feel like solidarity, a way of rejecting the abuser’s behaviour and siding with the victim. But for those who have lived through coercive control, these kinds of “would have” responses are actually unhelpful responses to abuse. They erase the complexity of surviving an abusive relationship, where every choice is calculated against the threat of retaliation.

A Story That Reveals the Misunderstanding

Not long ago, I shared a memory from my marriage on social media. My then-husband had declared that I was “not allowed” to have wine with dinner because it would set a poor example for our young son. At a dinner party, when a friend offered me a glass, I accepted. A few minutes later, I noticed my wine wasn’t served in a wine glass like everyone else’s, but in a coffee mug. I soon learned that my husband had instructed her to serve it that way.

It was an intentional act of humiliation. Later that night, when I told him I would make my own choices, he warned me there would be consequences, clearly involving our child as part of the punishment.

When I posted this story online, the replies poured in: “I’d have grabbed a proper wine glass, poured it in, and stared him down while I drank.” “I’d have smashed the bottle over his head if he spoke to me like that.” “I’d have cracked a joke in front of everyone and embarrassed him right back.”

I understand the impulse to imagine the abuser being put in their place. People want to picture justice in the moment. But these unhelpful responses to abuse ignore the reality that standing up to an abuser rarely ends the conflict. More often, it sparks a cycle of retaliation that leaves the victim wishing they had stayed silent.

Living Under the Threat of Retaliation

Inside an abusive relationship, resistance is never a simple, spontaneous act. It is a draining, ongoing calculation — a cost-benefit analysis repeated daily, sometimes hourly. Survivors learn to carefully measure each step, knowing that any perceived defiance could trigger harm.

The punishments are designed to restore the abuser’s control. For some, this means brutal physical violence, and tragically, many have lost their lives for far less. For others, the response comes in less visible but equally destructive ways: calculated humiliation, relentless insults, days of silent treatment, threats to take or harm the children, cutting off access to money, sabotaging work opportunities, or spreading lies to friends and family to isolate the victim further.

This ever-present threat means survivors are constantly deciding whether resistance will lead to worse consequences than compliance. To outsiders, compliance might look like weakness or acceptance. In reality, it is often a deliberate survival strategy to reduce harm.

To leave for good, victims usually need to plan secretly, making sure the abuser suspects nothing. That often means playing the role of compliance — even appeasement — while laying the groundwork for a safe exit.

How Abusers Exploit Their Partner’s Reactions

One of the greatest risks in resisting is the way abusers twist a victim’s reaction to strengthen control. What is often referred to as “reactive abuse” — though more accurately called reactive defence — happens when someone, after relentless provocation, finally cracks. They may yell, break down, or even lash out physically in a moment of despair.

Abusers deliberately provoke these situations and then weaponise them. They might record the reaction, stage it so others witness it, or later claim it as justification: “See? This is why I treat you this way.” They may spin it into a smear campaign with friends or family: “If only you knew what she’s really like.” In court, they might use it to argue for custody or seek a restraining order.

The fallout can be severe. Friends or relatives may turn away, believing the abuser’s version. The survivor, branded as “unstable” or “crazy,” can suffer further anxiety, depression, and self-doubt. Above all, the abuser’s control is tightened. Knowing that any defence will be used against them, the victim learns not to push back. This is why many of the dramatic actions described in “would have” statements — slapping, shouting, storming out — can dangerously backfire.

Why “I Would Have…” Sounds Like Judgment

For someone who has never lived with the constant threat of punishment, it is easy to imagine a bold reaction in the moment. But when a survivor hears, “I’d have told him off,” or “I’d have walked out straight away,” the hidden message often lands as: you were weak, or you failed to do enough.

Even if unintended, that undertone can sting deeply. Survivors may feel feel as though they’re being judged for not doing what the other person imagines they would have done — without recognising that such a move could have escalated danger. For people already burdened with self-blame fostered by their abuser, these unhelpful responses to abuse add another layer of shame and isolation.

They also highlight the gap between the survivor’s reality and the outsider’s fantasy. No matter how carefully risks are explained, some people underestimate the consequences survivors were navigating every day.

What Survivors Truly Need to Hear

The most supportive words are not about what you think you would have done. They focus on validating the survivor’s experience.

Instead of offering a “would have” scenario, you might say, “That must have been humiliating and hurtful,” or, “He put you in an impossible position, and that’s not okay.” Acknowledging that the issue was not wine or any trivial detail, but about control and power, helps the survivor feel truly seen. Telling them, “I believe you, and I’m here to listen,” offers safety without judgment or pressure.

Changing the Conversation Around Abuse

Transforming the way we respond to survivors means recognising that abuse is never a clash between equals. It is a system where one person creates consequences for any sign of independence or resistance. From the outside, defiance may look like a triumph. From the inside, it often means weeks of punishment.

Replacing “I would have…” with compassion and curiosity allows survivors to open up more freely, without fear of being judged. It acknowledges that what might look like passivity was often the wisest, safest choice for survival.

Survivors need people to understand that every decision they made was shaped by the looming threat of harm, and that staying alive and protecting their children was the greatest act of courage.

Featured image: Unhelpful responses to abuse can have a lasting impact on victims. Source: LIGHTFIELD STUDIOS / Adobe Stock.

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