Why would someone hurt the person they say they love? It’s a question many survivors sit with, trying to make sense of their experience and the person behind it. But the answer doesn’t lie in anger issues, alcohol, stress, or unresolved childhood wounds. Abuse doesn’t come from circumstances. It stems from beliefs.
These beliefs are often shaped early in life. They grow out of cultural messages, family dynamics, social roles, and personal conditioning. By the time an abuser enters a relationship, these attitudes are already deeply embedded. Abuse then becomes the way those beliefs get enforced—not a response to the relationship itself.
To understand this mindset, I developed the COERCES framework. It outlines seven key elements that help explain the inner world of an abuser:
C – Control
O – Ownership
E – Entitlement
R – Righteousness
C – Competitiveness
E – Enmeshment
S – Superiority
These patterns form the basis of the abusive mindset and create a dynamic that traps victims in cycles of confusion and fear.
C – Control
In a healthy relationship, partners work together to make decisions and respect each other’s boundaries. But someone with an abusive mindset sees relationships as a power structure. Control isn’t just a tool they use occasionally—it’s the foundation of how they operate.
This deep-rooted belief in the right to control means they feel entitled to determine where their partner goes, who they speak to, how they spend their time, what they wear, and even how they think. Any independence is seen as a threat. Compromise feels like losing.
Abuse isn’t a result of losing control. It’s about keeping it. And when they feel that control slipping, they will use tactics like threats, gaslighting, or violence to get it back.
O – Ownership
A major aspect of abuse is the belief that a partner is something to own. It’s not about deepening connection or intimacy, it’s about possession. The partner isn’t seen as a full person but as someone who exists to serve the abuser’s needs.
This belief is often disguised as love: “You’re mine,” or “I can’t live without you.” But underneath is the view that the partner is a belonging, not an equal.
As the relationship progresses, this mindset gets stronger. More commitment means more control. Over time, the abuser feels increasingly entitled to make the rules, regardless of their partner’s feelings or needs.
E – Entitlement
Entitlement is central to abusive behaviour. It’s the belief that their needs, views, and preferences matter more than their partner’s.
This entitlement plays out in subtle and overt ways: double standards, where they hold their partner to rules they themselves ignore; emotional withdrawal or coldness when their needs aren’t met instantly; and manipulation or punishment when their partner tries to assert independence or set boundaries. They often expect unquestioning loyalty, attention, and emotional labour, yet offer little empathy, respect, or reciprocity in return.
Their inner narrative is: “I come first. You’re here to meet my needs.” When that doesn’t happen, they react with blame, criticism, and cruelty. It is also the reason why abusive behaviour escalates when the abuser’s partner is sick, injured, pregnant, or needing extra care and attention for any reason.
R – Righteousness
Abusers don’t see their behaviour as wrong. In fact, they usually feel completely justified in the way they act. That’s the danger of righteousness: it turns harm into something they believe is deserved.
They may believe they’re correcting you, protecting you, or reacting to something you did wrong. Their logic is twisted, but internally it feels consistent: “If I’m angry, it must be because I’ve been wronged. If I punish you, it’s because you deserve it.”
This self-justification makes accountability nearly impossible. It also leaves the victim confused and doubting themselves, often wondering if they’re the one who’s done something wrong.
C – Competitiveness
Instead of aiming for mutual understanding, the abuser approaches the relationship like a competition. Someone has to win, and someone has to lose, and they are determined it won’t be them.
This way of thinking shows up in both obvious and subtle forms. In conflict, they don’t engage, they overpower. In disagreement, they don’t listen, they try to silence or outwit. Even when things seem calm, there’s often an unspoken sense of rivalry, with constant point-scoring, undermining, or quiet sabotage. Every moment becomes about maintaining the upper hand.
And this mindset doesn’t disappear when the relationship ends. In many cases, it only escalates. A partner leaving isn’t seen as a personal decision, it’s taken as a direct threat to their authority. The abuser may try to “win” the separation by fighting for financial advantage, spreading false stories to mutual friends, or dragging their ex through court. If children are involved, they may become tools in that power struggle. The abuser might work to win the child’s loyalty, discredit the other parent, or reshape the child’s understanding of what really happened. Their need to dominate outweighs concern for who gets hurt along the way.
E – Enmeshment
A defining part of the abusive mindset is enmeshment, the refusal to recognise their partner as a separate, independent person. In this worldview, the partner isn’t allowed to have their own emotional landscape, individual thoughts, or personal boundaries. Instead, they’re expected to reflect and align with the abuser’s needs, beliefs, moods, and internal state at all times.
The abuser doesn’t relate to their partner as an individual; they see them as an extension of themselves. There’s a deep expectation of emotional sameness: the partner should think what they think, feel what they feel, and want what they want. Any difference is treated not as natural variation, but as defiance. When the partner expresses a separate view, it’s often dismissed as irrational, disloyal, or selfish.
Over time, this strips away the victim’s sense of self. They begin to doubt their own feelings, suppress their instincts, and adjust their behaviour to avoid triggering backlash, not from weakness, but as a way to stay safe. In this dynamic, autonomy is slowly erased. What remains is compliance and the quiet disappearance of identity in an effort to maintain peace with someone who cannot tolerate difference.
S – Superiority
At the heart of the abusive mindset is a strong belief in personal superiority. The abuser sees themselves as more logical, more intelligent, more capable, and more entitled to control. They trust their own judgement above all else, view their needs as more important, and see their perspective as the correct one.
This isn’t just arrogance, it’s a fixed psychological position that underpins the entire dynamic. It’s what allows them to interrupt, dismiss, belittle, or override their partner without guilt. It also explains the lack of genuine empathy for the impact of their behaviour.
They don’t view the relationship as an equal partnership. In their mind, it’s a hierarchy, and they believe they belong at the top.
Abuse Comes from Beliefs, Not Loss of Control
To really understand abuse, we need to stop seeing it as a reaction. It’s not about sudden anger, alcohol, or external stress. Many abusers seem perfectly calm in public, at work, or with friends. They know how to control themselves when it matters.
Their abusive behaviour is deliberate and targeted. It happens in private, where they believe they have the right to dominate.
Stress might heighten things. Trauma might shape their personality. But neither causes abuse. These behaviours come from beliefs that were already there, long before the relationship began. The partner doesn’t cause the abuse. They end up in the path of someone who was already set on control.
What We Need to Recognise
The COERCES framework helps expose what abuse really is: not just harmful behaviour, but a mindset that justifies it. It’s a system of values that excuses control, dismisses harm, and erases equality.
For survivors, this kind of clarity can be a turning point. It helps shift the question from “What did I do wrong?” to “Why did he believe he had the right?”
For professionals and advocates, this perspective helps make sense of why abuse doesn’t stop with a single apology or a shift in circumstances. What needs to change isn’t just the behaviour — it’s the entire foundation it stands on. Abuse won’t be fixed with improved communication, couples counselling, meditation, or anger management, because the issue is not ‘mutual conflict’ and it isn’t a lack of skills or emotional control. It’s a belief system built on the need to dominate.
The real danger in abuse isn’t just the outburst — it’s the mindset that makes that behaviour feel justified. Until those underlying beliefs are challenged and dismantled, the cycle will continue.
Featured image: The abusive mindset. Source: Serhii Holdin / Adobe Stock.
References
Bancroft, L. (2002). Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. Berkley Books.
Evans, P. (2002). Controlling people: How to recognize, understand, and deal with people who try to control you. Adams Media.
Stark, E. (2007). Coercive control: How men entrap women in personal life. Oxford University
