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How Abusers Destroy Their Partners’ Self-Esteem and Confidence

By
Samara Knight
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abuse and self-esteem

Abuse isn’t always physical. One of the most harmful ways abusers assert control is by tearing down their partner’s self-esteem. This form of emotional and psychological abuse erodes confidence, identity, and self-worth until the victim feels like a shell of their former self. Survivors of coercive control share their experiences, shedding light on the subtle and overt ways abusers destroy self-esteem.

Shattering Confidence

Abusers often start by chipping away at their partner’s confidence, planting seeds of doubt in their abilities and choices. This tactic is slow but devastating, leaving survivors constantly second-guessing themselves.

One survivor shared, “He constantly shifted the goalposts, setting me up to fail and making me feel like everything I did was wrong. It kept me second-guessing myself.” Another recounted, “He told me I was stupid, that I’d fail at anything I tried. Even now, I still hear his voice in my head, telling me I’ll never succeed.”

Ongoing criticism traps victims in a cycle of self-doubt. Over time, they internalize these negative messages and come to believe they’re incapable or unworthy.

Masking Cruelty as Humor

Abusers often hide their demeaning remarks behind humor, using sarcasm, mocking, or jokes to break down self-esteem. They belittle their partner while dodging accountability by saying, “It’s just a joke.”

One survivor shared, “He’d mock my weight at family gatherings, calling me his ‘little butterball.’ Everyone would laugh, and if I got upset, he’d say I was too sensitive and couldn’t take a joke. It was humiliating.”
Another explained, “Whenever I shared an idea or dream, he’d sarcastically say, ‘Oh, here comes the next big innovator!’ It made me feel so stupid that I stopped sharing anything at all.”
These tactics isolate victims, making them doubt their worth and feel alone in their inadequacy.

Undermining Talents and Abilities

Abusers often target their partner’s skills or passions—areas where they excel—to crush confidence and create dependence. By attacking their strengths, abusers strip away identity and self-assurance.

One survivor shared, “I was great at my job and loved what I did, but he constantly told me my career wasn’t ‘real work’ and that my colleagues didn’t respect me. I started doubting myself, even when I knew I was good at it.”

Another explained, “I was passionate about cooking and proud of the meals I made for our family, but he’d criticize every little thing—‘too salty,’ ‘not cooked right,’ or ‘why can’t you make something better?’ It crushed me to the point where I stopped cooking altogether.”

By attacking their partners’ successful careers or diminishing their achievements, abusers maintain control and discourage independence.

Devaluing Passions and Joys

Abusers often attack hobbies or interests that bring their partner happiness, calling them trivial or useless. This robs victims of joy and leaves them isolated.

“I used to love painting,” one survivor shared. “But he’d tell me my work was ‘childish’ and ‘embarrassing.’ Eventually, I couldn’t even pick up a brush without hearing his voice in my head.”

Another survivor explained, “He called my love of baking ‘a housewife’s dream,’ saying I was wasting time pretending to be good at something. It crushed my confidence in something I once loved.”

This strategy ensures victims have no outlet for expression or fulfillment.

Using Comparisons to Break Self-Worth

Abusers often compare their partners to others, making them feel inferior. This tactic creates a sense of inadequacy and keeps victims striving for unattainable approval.

One survivor recounted, “He often compared me to his exes or his peers, saying they were better or more successful. It made me feel so inferior.”

Another shared, “He’d constantly point out other women at the gym or on TV, saying things like, ‘Why don’t you work harder to look like that?’ It made me feel like I was never good enough, no matter how much effort I put in.”

These comparisons diminish self-esteem and ensure victims remain desperate for validation.

Shaming in Public

Public humiliation is another weapon abusers use to erode self-esteem. By belittling their partner in front of others, they create shame and deepen isolation.

“He would interrupt me whenever I tried to speak at family gatherings, loudly correcting me or saying I didn’t know what I was talking about. It made me stop speaking up altogether,” one survivor shared.

Another recounted, “At a work event, he told my colleagues that I only got my promotion because my boss ‘felt sorry for me.’ I was mortified and felt like everyone saw me as a fraud.”
These tactics make victims question their worth, silencing them in public and private settings.

Long-Lasting Effects of Abuse on Self-Esteem

Emotional and psychological abuse targeting self-esteem can leave scars that linger long after the relationship ends. Survivors often struggle with self-doubt, lack of confidence, and mistrust of their own instincts.

One survivor described the lingering effects: “Even now, I still hear his voice, telling me I’ll fail. It’s hard to silence that.” Another shared, “Living in that environment suffocated the essence of who I was. It’s taken years to rebuild my confidence.”

Rebuilding after abuse is a long and difficult journey, as survivors work to regain trust in themselves and rediscover their worth.

Reclaiming Self-Esteem After Abuse

While the damage caused by abuse is significant, healing and rebuilding self-esteem is possible. Survivors share their stories of reclaiming their identities and creating lives free from abuse.

“I’ve learned to know my worth, despite how much he tried to devalue me,” one survivor said. Another reflected, “I’m finding my worth again, realizing I’m enough. I’ve stopped overthinking and learned to love myself.”

Support systems, therapy, and self-care are essential tools in this process. One survivor shared, “I’ve had counseling, taken up yoga, and spent time figuring out who I am. It’s not easy, but I finally feel free.”

Healing is a journey, and each small victory builds a stronger foundation. Survivors remind us of the resilience it takes to rebuild after abuse and rediscover self-worth.

Featured image: Abuse damages self-esteem. Source: Cavan for Adobe / Adobe Stock.

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.

Green Flags in Relationships: Recognizing Signs of Healthy Love After Abuse

By
Charlotte Bragg
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green flags in relationships

When we talk about relationships, the discussion of red flags often dominates the conversation, particularly in individuals that have experienced domestic abuse and manipulation. This is very important, as recognizing the red flags in a partner is critical; however, the focus on negative behaviors can sometimes overshadow the positive, green flags in a relationship.

Naturally, many survivors of domestic abuse are well-versed in the warning signs of abusive behaviors and are on high alert for these in all relationships they enter as a form of protection. However, this means it can sometimes feel foreign to identify green flags, as survivors may not have experienced these positive dynamics before.

Let’s explore what the signs of a healthy, respectful, and supportive relationship are and understand why recognizing green flags matters just as much as identifying the warning signs of abuse.

The Importance of Green Flags

Abuse survivors often find themselves hyper-focused on avoiding harm. They may second-guess their instincts, over-analyze new partners, or set overly rigid boundaries out of fear. These reactions are understandable, given the betrayal and manipulation they’ve experienced. However, this defensive mindset can sometimes lead to confusion, or misattributing normal,  healthy behaviors to manipulation or love-bombing. By understanding the signs of a positive relationship, we can cultivate trust and confidence in our ability to identify what feels right.

Empathy and Emotional Availability

A healthy partner demonstrates empathy, actively listening to your feelings without dismissing or invalidating them. They’re emotionally available, showing genuine concern for your well-being.

In contrast, abusive relationships often involve emotional neglect or manipulation. An empathetic partner is a green flag because they help you feel safe expressing your vulnerabilities.

Forgiveness and Patience

Healthy partners recognize that nobody is perfect. In abusive relationships, minor mistakes often lead to disproportionate punishment or humiliation. However, a healthy partner who practices forgiveness doesn’t hold grudges or use past mistakes as weapons, they approach disagreements with patience and kindness rather than anger or contempt.

Respect and Selflessness

Respect means valuing your autonomy, boundaries, and individuality, and in abusive dynamics, respect is often conditional, contingent on meeting the abuser’s demands. A respectful partner accepts you for who you are, ensuring your voice and identity remain intact without pressuring you to change who you are or to sacrifice your needs for theirs. They are selfless in their approach and willing to compromise for the good of the relationship.

Authenticity and Consistency

A healthy partner’s actions align with their words. They’re authentic, behaving the same in public as they do in private. They have no hidden agenda, they are open and honest and they seek a transparent and healthy connection with you.

Trust and Open Communication

Trust is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. In abusive relationships, trust is undermined through dishonesty, blame-shifting, or controlling behavior. Healthy partners keep their promises, communicate honestly, and don’t resort to jealousy or possessiveness. They respect your independence and encourage your personal growth and friendships.

Commitment and Support

A healthy partner is committed to the relationship’s success, even during challenging times. This means that they show up, not only in grand gestures, but in everyday actions that demonstrate reliability and care, such as checking in on you and remembering small details about you.

They also provide encouragement, celebrate your achievements, and provide unwavering support for your goals. This contrasts with abusive partners, who often diminish or sabotage their partner’s success to maintain control.

Encouragement of Individuality

Healthy partners encourage you to be yourself, respecting your interests, opinions, and values, even when these don’t align with their own. They don’t belittle your quirks or hobbies – they like that these things make you unique.

Recognizing Green Flags After Abuse

For abuse survivors, distinguishing between healthy and unhealthy relationships can be particularly challenging. Survivors may misinterpret kindness as manipulation or set rigid boundaries that push potential partners away at the first perceived flaw. Overanalyzing behaviors is a common response that is driven by fear of repeating past mistakes.

This hypervigilance is a natural byproduct of surviving abuse, but it can limit your ability to see the positives. For instance, for trauma survivors:

  • A partner respecting your boundaries might feel like indifference.
  • Consistent affection might be misinterpreted as love-bombing, a common tactic in abusive relationships.
  • Minor mistakes might trigger fears of escalating harm.

By learning to recognize and trust green flags, you can rebuild confidence in your ability to discern healthy love.

Examples of Green Flags in Relationships

Here are some practical examples of green flags to look for:

  • Respect for Boundaries: They don’t pressure you for more time or attention than you’re willing to give.
  • Consistency: Their behavior doesn’t shift dramatically depending on the setting.
  • Appreciation: They thank you for your efforts, big or small.
  • Encouragement: They support your dreams and celebrate your successes without jealousy.
  • Accountability: They take responsibility for their actions and don’t blame others for the failure of past relationships.
  • Kind Communication: They speak to you respectfully, even during disagreements, without yelling or belittling.
  • Trustworthiness: They are open about their life, including their relationships with family and friends.
  • Patience: They don’t rush the relationship or pressure you into intimacy.
  • Genuine Apologies: They admit when they’re wrong and work to make things right.
  • Emotional Maturity: They can discuss feelings and handle disagreements constructively.

Shifting the Focus

Focusing solely on red flags can make dating feel daunting, especially for individuals healing from abuse. Survivors often join support groups or read extensively about abuse to protect themselves from future harm, but this can lead to an overemphasis on negativity. Recognizing green flags helps shift the focus to what healthy love looks and feels like.

By identifying positive traits in a partner, you can rebuild your capacity for trust and connection. Green flags are not just signs of a healthy relationship – they are a guide to understanding what you deserve.

While red flags are crucial to recognize, recognizing green flags reminds us that healthy relationships are possible and worth striving for. Empathy, respect, trust, and open communication are the hallmarks of a love that nurtures rather than harms.

For abuse survivors, learning to spot positive signs is an essential step in healing and embracing the possibility of a better future. Everyone deserves a partner who embodies these green flags – a partner who makes you feel safe, valued, and truly loved.

References

DomesticShelters.org (2019), “Maybe We Should Look for These Green Flags, Too. DomesticShelters.org.

National Domestic Violence Hotline (N.D.), “Green Flags in a Relationship”. National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Website Director (2024), “Green Flags in a Relationship”. BTSADV The National Voice of Domestic Violence.

Featured Image: For abuse survivors, learning to spot green flags in relationships is an essential step in healing and identifying healthy relationships. Source: Flamingo Images / Adobe Stock

How Abusers Manipulate Children to Maintain Control

By
Samara Knight
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abusers manipulate children

When there is domestic abuse, children often become tools for manipulation and control. Abusers exploit the vulnerability of their partners and use their children to trap them in a cycle of fear, compliance, and despair. These tactics persist not only during the relationship but can extend long after separation.

Using Children to Prevent Escape

Abusers frequently use their children as leverage to keep their partner from leaving. They may threaten harm or claim they will take the children away, instilling a deep fear of separation.

One survivor recalled, “He told me, ‘If you leave now, it will be your fault for breaking up our family and you’ll have to explain that to our children!’” Another shared, “I used to hear, ‘If you try to leave, I’ll take everything from you. The kids will come with me, and you’ll never see them again.’”

Faced with the fear of losing their children or exposing them to the abuser’s unchecked control, many victims feel compelled to stay. “I stayed because I couldn’t imagine leaving my three young children alone with him,” said one survivor. “His violent temper made me feel like I was their only shield against his rage.”

Undermining the Other Parent

Abusers also seek to maintain control by discrediting their partner’s parenting abilities. This can include accusations of being unfit or dangerous, often backed by manipulative actions.

One survivor shared, “He called the police anonymously to report concerns about my mental health. Then he contacted children’s services, claiming I was the problem. He stopped paying child support and sent threatening emails about taking the kids away.”

Another added, “He would threaten to starve and beat me regularly. He would physically take my child away into another room and tell my child they weren’t allowed to see mommy and tell my child ‘Mommy is bad. She doesn’t deserve food so don’t feed her’.”

These actions can erode the victim’s confidence as a parent. “In my child’s eyes, he was the superhero, perpetually feeding this fantasy. Me: an ordinary mom, with no skills, nothing special to offer or be valued for,” said one heartbroken mother.

Abusers may also use children as spies. “He constantly asked the kids about my activities,” one survivor explained. “Then he’d confront me later, twisting their innocent answers into accusations. It felt like I was being watched all the time.”

Extending Control After Separation

Even after the relationship ends, abusers often use the children to maintain control through post-separation abuse. This includes prolonged custody battles, false accusations, or withholding child support to create financial and emotional strain.

“My ex uses our kids as weapons in family court,” one survivor shared. “He files endless claims, refuses to pay maintenance, rearranges visitation to disrupt my work, and then doesn’t show up. He knows exactly what he’s doing.”

Another described how the abuse evolved: “He’s still as bad as he ever was; just he can’t physically touch me anymore, so he has to go through our kids. It’s worse, knowing the kids are still weaponized and when I fight back, I’m ‘trying to reduce the father’s time’ and he gets to be the victim. He’s still financially, emotionally, psychologically, economically crippling me. He’s just using the kids to do it.”

Alienating Children from the Safe Parent

Abusers often manipulate children to turn them against the protective parent, sometimes leading to complete alienation.

“I have not seen my son for over a year,” grieved one heartbroken mother. “In the last four years, I have seen him twice. He is almost 16-years-old and he is gone. I went from him being in my care every day to a ‘visit’ with his father that never ended.”

The psychological impact can be profound. “Post separation abuse and mother-child relationship sabotage for 9 years gave me severe autoimmune diseases and made me suicidal,” shared another survivor.

Abusers create narratives that paint the safe parent as unloving or harmful. “He told my son, ‘Your mom is weak because she left instead of fixing things,’” one survivor said. “My son started to believe I had abandoned him, even though I left to protect us both.”

They also involve children in conflicts. “He would say things like, ‘It’s not fair that Mum has you more than I do. Tell her you want equal time,’” recalled another survivor. “It put so much pressure on my child to fix things.”

Positive feelings toward the safe parent are often discouraged. “Whenever my son spoke kindly about me, his dad would get angry,” said one survivor. “It made my son feel like he had to choose between us.”

Abusers also resort to emotional blackmail. “He threatened to tell my child lies about me if I didn’t give in to his demands,” shared one victim. “I felt emotionally held hostage.”

Finding Strength and Healing

Leaving an abuser is never easy, especially when children are involved. But survivors show that healing is possible, even amid immense challenges.

“I grieved for the family I had hoped my children would have,” said one survivor. “But now I’m focused on giving them the love and stability they deserve.”

Support systems and professional help are invaluable. “Counseling, advocacy, and trusted people around me have been lifesaving,” another shared. “It’s a long road, but freedom and healing are worth it.”

These stories highlight the destructive impact of coercive control and the strength of survivors who rebuild their lives and protect their children.

The journey is hard, but every step forward is a triumph. To all survivors: you are seen, believed, and supported. Freedom and healing are possible.

Featured image: Abusers weaponize their children to exert control. Source: Oostendorp/peopleimages.com / Adobe Stock.

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.v

10 Isolation Tactics Abusers Use to Control Their Partners

By
Samara Knight
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isolation tactics

Isolation is one of the most damaging strategies employed by abusers to exert control over their partners. By cutting them off from friends, family, and support systems, abusers create an environment where their control goes unchallenged. Survivors of coercive control share their experiences, shedding light on the devastating isolation tactics used to manipulate and dominate them.

1.    Humiliating in Social Situations

A key isolation tactic is embarrassing the victim in social settings to discourage them from engaging with others. Abusers create such discomfort that the victim begins to avoid these situations altogether.

One survivor recounted: “If I went to visit family, he’d show up and behave terribly so I wouldn’t want to go back. Even when I met friends for coffee, he’d turn up uninvited and just sit there in silence. I stopped going because I couldn’t take the embarrassment.”

Another shared, “He’d sit on the couch in his underwear and refuse to put on trousers. Eventually, people stopped visiting altogether.”

Abusers understand that by creating tension and awkwardness, they can isolate their partner under the guise of the victim making the decision to withdraw.

2.    Cutting Off Access to Communication

Abusers often create logistical barriers, such as restricting transportation, finances, or communication tools, to isolate their victims. These isolation tactics leave victims unable to maintain external relationships.

One survivor explained, “He let my car fall into disrepair and refused to fix it. Meanwhile, he had his own car but wouldn’t let me use it. I couldn’t go anywhere without his help.”

Another said, “He’d cut off the internet so I couldn’t contact my family or friends back home.”

Financial control is another common method. “He controlled all the money,” one survivor shared. “If I asked for gas money to visit someone, he’d claim there wasn’t enough—though he always had money for himself.”

By creating physical and financial dependence, abusers make it nearly impossible for victims to seek help or build support systems.

3.    Gaslighting to Destroy Self-Confidence

A common isolation tactic involves gaslighting, where abusers undermine their partner’s self-worth and relationships, making them question their reality.

One survivor shared: “He insisted that none of my friends really liked me, that my other relationships weren’t real, and that they would judge my flaws even more than him and reject me, so it was better to just stay away.”

Another added, “He’d tell me people I trusted hated me or that they were bad news. This stopped me from reaching out for help because I believed I couldn’t trust anyone.”

Gaslighting erodes victims’ confidence, leaving them convinced that isolation is inevitable because no one else values them.

4.    Overwhelming with Responsibilities

Keeping victims so busy they don’t have time for relationships is another effective isolation strategy. By piling on responsibilities, abusers ensure their partners are too exhausted to maintain outside connections.

One survivor explained: “He made me work constantly. I barely had time to eat, let alone see my family or friends.”

Another said, “As a stay-at-home mom, I was responsible for everything. If I left to meet friends and something at home wasn’t done, like the dishes or laundry, he’d get angry. I gave up trying to go out because it wasn’t worth the guilt and stress.”

This tactic ensures that victims remain tethered to their abuser, unable to nurture relationships outside the home.

5.    Disguising Possessiveness as Care

Abusers often mask their isolation tactics as love or concern, making it harder for victims to recognize the manipulation.

One survivor shared: “At first, his constant check-ins seemed sweet. He always wanted to know where I was and who I was with. But over time, it became suffocating, and I realized he was using it to control me.”

Another explained, “Whenever I went out, he accused me of being sneaky or plotting against him. Eventually, he just started going everywhere with me, so I stopped trying to go out alone.”

By framing control and possessiveness as love, abusers create a trap that leaves victims doubting their own independence.

6.    Sabotaging Relationships with Others

Abusers often turn loved ones against the victim, using lies, arguments, or manipulation to sever important connections.

One survivor recounted: “He would cause trouble, gaslight, and disrespect my family to their faces so they didn’t want to be around me when he was there. Over time, I withdrew from everyone who cared about me.”

Another added, “Every time we weren’t invited to something my partner told me it’s because my sisters didn’t like me, and they were jealous of me and us and what we had.”

Abusers often target close friendships, recognizing them as a threat to their control. As one woman explained, “He told me my best friend was untrustworthy and would ruin our relationship. She was the only one who might have suspected the abuse, so I stopped talking to her. I regret it to this day.”

Another person shared, “When my old friends came to visit me from out of town, he told me he didn’t like them being there because, according to him, they were using me and taking advantage of me. He even invented stories about them saying mean things and making fun of me when I was out of the room, so I’d doubt my trust in them and be less likely to invite them to visit again.”

By sabotaging relationships, abusers leave their partners isolated and dependent on them.

7.    Using Threats to Force Isolation

In some cases, abusers resort to outright threats to ensure their victims sever ties with loved ones.

One survivor shared: “He threatened to kill my family if I ever tried to leave or reconnect with them.”

Another said, “He was keeping a loaded gun in his nightstand and saying he would shoot them. He isolated me for three years. My dad didn’t even get to meet my daughter when she was born.”

Even the suggestion of harm can compel victims to cut ties, leaving them entirely at the mercy of their abuser.

8.    Relocating to Increase Isolation

Relocation is one of the most extreme isolation tactics, physically removing victims from their support systems.

One survivor explained, “He said I’d be happier if we moved to his country. But once we got there, I couldn’t work, had no friends, and was completely isolated.”

Another said, “When I found a community I loved, he insisted we move. Within a month, I lost all my friends.”

For some, relocation resulted in even tighter control. “I moved to his country, leaving behind my family, friends, and job. Once I was living there, I was only allowed freedom for an hour or two each day, and all interactions had to take place with him present,” recalled another survivor.

This tactic distances victims from potential help, making escape even more challenging.

9.    Creating Conflict Around Socializing

Abusers make socializing so stressful that victims eventually stop trying.

One survivor shared: “Every time I planned to visit family, he’d create drama before, during, and after. It got so exhausting that I stopped going.”

Another explained, “He’d guilt me into staying home or bombard me with accusations if I went out. It became easier to just avoid seeing anyone.”

By associating socializing with conflict, abusers condition victims to isolate themselves.

10. Escalating Abuse as Punishment

If victims resist isolation attempts, abusers often lash out with intensified mistreatment. “He would angrily stare at me if I had a conversation with someone at church, and if I ignored him, he would take his anger out on me for weeks,” revealed one survivor.

Another shared, “I came home one evening after attending a board meeting. He was waiting and enraged at how late the meeting went, proceeded to scream and smash a box against the family room wall. I skipped the next meeting.”

Long-Term Effects of Isolation Tactics

The effects of isolation often linger long after leaving an abusive relationship, leaving survivors with deep feelings of loneliness and disconnection. One survivor described the lasting impact: “I withdrew from almost everyone who cared about me. I didn’t want them to see what I was hiding.”

Another reflected on the challenges of rebuilding a sense of connection: “I don’t speak to anyone, so my assumption is that no one had to isolate me. I have to navigate life alone now. People have kids, a spouse, etc. I wasn’t able to have kids, and relationships seem extremely difficult for me, as if they aren’t real or are set up.”

Reclaiming Independence and Rebuilding Connections

While isolation is a powerful form of control, many survivors find strength in reclaiming their independence and rebuilding their lives. Leaving the abuse often opens the door to reconnect with loved ones and restore the support systems they were denied for so long.

One survivor shared their uplifting experience: “I reconnected with my family. They told me how much they missed me and my child during those years. Now, I’m surrounded by people who love and cherish us.”

Another reflected on the joy of rebuilding her social circle: “I see all my family now and my friends, and I have mom’s nights to relax and have fun. What a change of life.”

For some, the process of reunification is a work in progress. As one survivor explained: “After he died, I reunited with my family, and so many of them said how those years were so sad and depressing and they missed me and my child. Hopefully soon I’ll have enough money to go back home, and my daughter can finally meet my entire family.”

Rebuilding takes time, but as survivors find their voices and share their journeys, they inspire others to seek help and break free from the cycle of abuse. With the support of loved ones and a renewed sense of community, healing and happiness become achievable once more.

Featured Image: Isolation tactics are common in abusive relationships. Source: djoronimo / Adobe Stock

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.

When Abusers Self-Harm to Get Victims Arrested: A Tool of Coercive Control

By
Angie Doel
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coercive control and self-harm

Abusers who employ coercive control use a calculated pattern of behavior designed to strip away their victim’s autonomy and sense of self. While many people understand physical abuse, the insidious nature of coercive control – which includes manipulation, intimidation, and isolation – can be harder to recognize and prove. One particularly devastating tactic involves abusers who weaponize self-harm or fabricate evidence to manipulate law enforcement and the legal system against their victims. This strategy not only traumatizes victims but also exploits institutional biases and systemic vulnerabilities, often leaving survivors to navigate a complex maze of legal, emotional, and psychological challenges.

Why Do Abusers Resort to Self-Harm?

Abusers who resort to self-harm often do so as part of a calculated strategy to maintain power and control. By inflicting injuries on themselves, they can present themselves as victims to law enforcement, courts, and social networks, exploiting assumptions about who is telling the truth in domestic disputes.

This manipulation of credibility allows them to threaten their actual victims with serious consequences like arrest or loss of child custody, forcing compliance with their demands.

The “evidence” created through self-harm can be particularly effective in smear campaigns, where abusers work to isolate their victims by convincing others that the victim is actually the perpetrator – a strategy known as DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender). This tactic is especially powerful because it turns systems meant to protect victims into weapons against them.

Tactics Used When Abusers Self-Harm for Control

When abusers self-harm for control over another person they often employ highly calculated strategies to manipulate perceptions and legal outcomes. Common tactics include:

Fabricating Physical Evidence. Abusers harm themselves by scratching, bruising, or even cutting in ways that appear consistent with physical altercations. They may use tools or methods that mimic nail marks, bites, or slaps. These injuries are then presented to authorities as proof of their partner’s alleged violence.

Recording Altered Interactions. Abusers may provoke victims into arguments or defensive actions while secretly recording the incident. Later, they edit the recordings to omit their own aggression, framing the other person as abusive.

Filing False Police Reports. After self-inflicting injuries, abusers call law enforcement to file false allegations, knowing that police often default to removing or arresting the alleged perpetrator. This tactic is particularly effective in jurisdictions with mandatory arrest laws in domestic violence cases.

Threatening or Attempting Suicide. In extreme cases, abusers may threaten or attempt suicide, framing the victim’s behavior as the cause. These threats may create strong feelings of guilt and fear, trapping a person in the relationship since they feel a need to “protect” the abuser.

Impact on Victims

The use of self-harm as a coercive control tactic has devastating effects on victims, exacerbating the harm already inflicted by the abusive relationship.

Legal Consequences. Individuals may face wrongful arrest, restraining orders, or criminal charges, which can damage their reputation, financial stability, and future opportunities. Stark (2007) notes that coercive control often traps victims in a legal web, further isolating them from support systems.

Emotional and Psychological Harm. Victims of this tactic often experience severe guilt, confusion, and self-doubt, compounded by the stigma of being labeled as an abuser. This emotional toll can lead to anxiety, depression, and PTSD.

Isolation and Loss of Support. When false allegations succeed, individuals often lose access to critical support systems, including friends, family, or professional networks, who may believe the abuser’s narrative.

Child Custody Battles. In cases involving children, false allegations and fabricated evidence can influence custody decisions, allowing the abuser to gain control over the children as another form of manipulation.

Signs an Abuser is Using Self-Harm as a Tactic

Recognizing when an abuser is using self-harm as a coercive control tactic requires careful observation of patterns and behaviors. Several key indicators can emerge over time. The abuser’s accounts of their injuries may not align with physical evidence or other witness statements, creating inconsistencies that raise red flags.

Many abusers who employ this tactic have a documented history of manipulative behavior, including previous false allegations or other controlling strategies. Frequent calls to law enforcement to report alleged abuse may indicate an orchestrated effort to build a false narrative against the victim. Additionally, past incidents of threatening self-harm, suicide, or using emotional blackmail often precede an escalation to more severe manipulative tactics, including self-inflicted injuries used to control and intimidate their victim.

What Can Victims Do?

If you suspect an abuser is using self-harm as a tactic of coercive control, there are steps you can take to protect yourself:

1. Document Everything. Keep detailed records of interactions, including text messages, emails, and recordings. If safe, record interactions to capture the full context of any disputes.

2. Involve Legal Support. Seek the advice of an attorney experienced in domestic violence cases. Legal professionals can help you gather evidence to counter false allegations and navigate the justice system.

3. Build a Support Network. Connect with domestic violence advocates, therapists, and support groups. These networks provide emotional and practical resources to help you navigate the situation.

4. Be Proactive with Law Enforcement. If you anticipate false allegations, consider filing your own report outlining the abuse and providing evidence of coercive control. This can establish a record of the abuser’s behavior.

5. Seek a Protective Order. In some cases, obtaining a restraining order can prevent further harassment and limit the abuser’s ability to manipulate the legal system against you.

The legal system needs better tools to handle cases where abusers manipulate evidence and harm themselves to control their victims. Police and investigators need training to spot these tactics – what looks straightforward on the surface often masks a complex pattern of abuse.

Courts tend to focus on physical evidence from single incidents, but they should be looking at the bigger picture: how has one person been trying to control and isolate the other over time?

Additionally, when someone is facing false accusations from their abuser, they need immediate access to legal help and advocates who understand these situations. Without this support, victims can end up trapped in a nightmare where the systems meant to protect them are being used as weapons against them.

The use of self-harm to falsely accuse victims is one of the most extreme and damaging tactics of coercive control. It exploits societal and legal assumptions, turning systems meant to protect victims into tools of further abuse. Recognizing and addressing this behavior is essential to protecting survivors and ensuring justice.

References

Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. Oxford University Press.

Johnson, M. P. (2008). A Typology of Domestic Violence: Intimate Terrorism, Violent Resistance, and Situational Couple Violence. Northeastern University Press.

Dutton, D. G., & Goodman, L. A. (2005). Coercion in intimate partner violence: Toward a theoretical framework. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 6(2), 83-104.

Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Berkley Books.

Featured Image: When abusers self-harm to get victims arrested it’s a particularly insidious tactic of coercive control. Source: Generated with Adobe Firefly

Starved of Freedom: How Abusers Use Basic Needs as Weapons of Control

By
Angie Doel
-
withholding basic needs

Coercive control is a pattern of behavior that abusers use to dominate, manipulate, and control their partners. Unlike physical violence, coercive control operates more subtly and pervasively, stripping away a person’s autonomy and freedom through various psychological and emotional tactics. One of the most sinister methods of coercive control is the deprivation of basic needs, which may involve withholding sleep, food, heating, medical care, or other necessities. By depriving their partners of these fundamental needs, abusers create an environment where the victim becomes dependent, isolated, and often too worn down to resist.

Coercive Control and Basic Needs Deprivation

While many people think of abuse as physical violence, some abusers choose a more subtle but equally devastating approach: they control their partners by restricting access to basic necessities. Instead of leaving visible bruises, they might limit their partner’s sleep, food, heat, or medical care – things most of us take for granted.

This creates a dangerous cycle where victims become dependent on their abusers just to meet their most basic needs, making it incredibly difficult to leave or stand up for themselves. This form of control isn’t limited to romantic relationships – it can happen between family members or in caregiving situations too, leaving victims feeling trapped and powerless.

When Sleep Becomes a Privilege

We all need sleep to stay healthy and think clearly – but some abusers deliberately keep their partners from getting rest, using exhaustion as a way to break them down. They might wake their partner repeatedly through the night, make sleeping impossible, or force them to sleep in awful conditions. When someone is constantly exhausted, they can’t think straight or make good decisions. Over time, the lack of sleep takes a heavy toll on their mental health, leading to anxiety, depression, and confusion – which only gives the abuser more control.

The reality of this tactic is chilling, as one survivor explained: “There was sleep deprivation on a grand scale – I ended up having to work all night and mother all day, so I literally slept 1 hour a night for years. Although on Saturdays, sometimes he’d let me sleep for as long as 3 hours.”

Hunger and Control

Food becomes a powerful weapon in the hands of an abuser. They might strictly control what or how much their partner can eat, keep certain foods off-limits, or even refuse to let them eat at all. This goes beyond just keeping someone hungry – it can lead to serious malnutrition that affects both body and mind. When someone is constantly undernourished, they become physically weak and mentally drained, making it even harder to stand up to their abuser or plan an escape.

“He would watch every bite I took,” one survivor shared. “If I ate more than he thought I should, he’d say I was getting fat and didn’t deserve dinner. Some days I survived on just crackers and water.”

Another person recalled, “He was depriving me of sleep and/or food to wear me down.”

Limiting Heating and Other Utilities

Some abusers maintain their power by controlling basic utilities like heat, electricity, and water. In cold weather, keeping the heat off isn’t just about making someone uncomfortable – it can be dangerous or even deadly, forcing victims to depend on their abuser just to stay warm. When abusers shut off hot water or cut the power, it sends a clear message: they control everything, right down to their partner’s basic comfort and safety.

“He would spend all our money on luxuries for himself and then complain that the heating bills were too high,” one survivor remembered. “He’d turn the thermostat off during the day while I was home, and he was out working, so I’d be freezing in the apartment.”

Another survivor explained: “In winter, he would make me ‘earn’ the right to turn on the heat. If I didn’t do exactly what he wanted, we’d sleep in a freezing house. I ended up getting pneumonia twice, but he still wouldn’t let me use the thermostat.”

Financial Control and Economic Deprivation

Financial abuse is a common tool in coercive control, where the abuser limits or denies their partner access to money. By controlling finances, the abuser ensures their partner cannot make independent decisions or escape the relationship. They may refuse to let their partner work, monitor every expenditure, or cut off access to shared accounts. This financial dependency reinforces the power dynamic and can make it nearly impossible for the victim to leave the abusive relationship.

A survivor revealed, “By the end, my ex was taking so much money that I was getting groceries from the food bank, and I lost around 25lbs skipping meals to stretch it for the kids.” Another person said, “My ex was a multi-millionaire and wouldn’t let me work and gave me a set amount for food every month.”

Stranded and Isolated

When abusers control how their partners get around – whether by taking away car keys, refusing to drive them places, or keeping them somewhere without buses or trains – they’re essentially cutting them off from the outside world. Without transportation, simple things like getting to doctor’s appointments, meeting friends, or visiting family become nearly impossible. This isolation makes it much harder for victims to maintain relationships or get help when they need it.

“He moved us to a rural area where the nearest store was five miles away,” one survivor shared. “Then he claimed we couldn’t afford two cars, so he took the only one we had to work. I was completely stranded at home with our toddler, no way to go anywhere or see anyone.”

Another survivor explained: “Whenever I needed to go somewhere important, like a doctor’s appointment, he’d promise to drive me. Then at the last minute, he’d say the car wasn’t working or he was too tired. After a while, I just stopped trying to make appointments or plans with anyone.”

Withholding Medical Care

Abusers may refuse their partner’s medical treatment, ignore their health concerns, or actively prevent them from accessing healthcare services. By denying medical care, the abuser puts the victim’s health and life at risk. This tactic not only exerts control over the individual’s physical well-being, but also conveys to the victim that their health and safety are at the mercy of the abuser.

One survivor explained, “I had a wound on my foot and the stitches burst open and my leg was turning purple from infection. My husband wouldn’t help me and instead, became furious that I’d put a movie on for our child to watch. I ended up driving myself to the hospital.” Another added, “He was worried the doctors would ask questions about my bruises, so he forbade me from getting checked out”.

Why Deprivation Is an Effective Tool of Control

Deprivation as a coercive control tactic works because it attacks the victim’s basic sense of safety and security. The lack of access to essentials like food, sleep, and medical care places a person in a constant state of distress, which weakens their resilience and makes them easier to control. Deprivation also erodes the victim’s self-worth and autonomy, as they begin to see themselves as undeserving or incapable of meeting their own needs without the abuser’s permission or assistance.

The invisible nature of deprivation makes it difficult for outsiders to detect. Unlike physical abuse, which can leave visible marks, deprivation often leaves no immediate signs, making it harder for an individual to prove their suffering or seek support. Friends, family members, or authorities may not realize that the lack of heat, food, or medical care is part of a deliberate campaign of control, allowing the abuse to continue unchecked.

Understanding the warning signs is essential for people in manipulative and toxic relationships and for those who suspect someone they know is experiencing coercive control. When someone is being denied basic needs like food, sleep, or the ability to move freely, they often feel trapped and ashamed, making it even harder to reach out for help. They might think there’s no other choice but to put up with it. That’s why it’s so important for friends and family to pay attention to the subtle signs. Watch for patterns – is someone becoming more isolated? Are they increasingly dependent on their partner for basic needs? Are they always exhausted or hungry? Sometimes these quiet signs of control can be easy to miss, but spotting them early can make all the difference in helping someone find their way to safety.

References

Crossman, K. A., Hardesty, J. L., & Raffaelli, M. (2016). “’He Could Scare Me Without Laying a Hand on Me’: Mothers’ Experiences of Nonviolent Coercive Control during Marriage and after Separation.” Violence Against Women, 22(4), 454–473.

Stark, E., & Hester, M. (2019). “Coercive Control: Update and Review.” Violence Against Women, 25(1), 81–104.

Featured Image: One of the most sinister methods of coercive control is the deprivation of basic needs. Source: StockPhotoPro / Adobe Stock

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.

The “Silent Atomic Bomb”: Vanessa’s Journey from Abuse to Empowerment (Video)

By
Samara Knight
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Survivor story Vanessa

Vanessa shares her journey of survival, starting with a childhood shaped by domestic and sexual abuse. She witnessed her mother endure severe physical abuse while being sexually abused by neighbors, who silenced her by threatening her mother’s safety. Vanessa expressed pity for her mother, understanding that she lacked the support to leave. Despite promising herself a different life, Vanessa’s marriage mirrored her mother’s, filled with domestic violence and control.

Determined to make her marriage work for her children, Vanessa stayed with her abusive husband, enduring physical and mental abuse. She describes how her husband manipulated her into believing she couldn’t survive without him, making her feel trapped. The cycle of abuse reached a breaking point during a violent altercation witnessed by her children, after which the physical violence ceased, but emotional abuse worsened. Vanessa struggled with mental health, feeling isolated and powerless, despite seeking therapy and medication.

Her life changed when she found strength and hope through her faith in 1996. Praying for transformation, either in her husband or in her circumstances, Vanessa credits her faith for helping her break free and rebuild a life grounded in safety and joy.

Vanessa describes domestic violence as a “silent atomic bomb” that destroys homes, lives, and souls. She emphasizes that safety and self-worth are essential and encourages anyone experiencing abuse to seek help. Vanessa now dedicates her life to sharing her story, hoping to inspire others to escape and find the support they need.

Featured image: Vanessa’s story of abuse. Source: YouTube Screenshot / MJB Productions: A Woman’s Place.

How My Husband’s Digital Surveillance Revealed a Darker Truth About Control

By
shadowsofcontrol
-
digital surveillance

One afternoon in 2021, I discovered the extraordinary lengths my husband had gone to monitor my every move. While searching for parking before a meeting, my phone rang repeatedly with missed calls from him. I couldn’t pick up because I was running late, and I needed to focus on getting a spot in a very busy street.

When I finally answered, his voice was filled with fury. “Why didn’t you answer?” he demanded.

I explained I was parking, but his response disturbed me: “No you weren’t. I could see your car moving on the map – you’re lying.”

When I asked him what he meant, he casually explained that for eighteen months, he had been tracking my movements through my car’s app, which he had installed on his phone.

With this app, he could monitor and scrutinize every trip and every outing I made without my knowledge or consent.

Control Disguised as Care

I now realize how skillfully abusers can disguise control as care. They frame surveillance as concern for your wellbeing, making it harder to recognize the violation. “I just want to know you’re safe,” they say. “I worry when I can’t reach you” or “It helps me to know when you’ll be home.” These seemingly caring and ‘logical’ statements conceal a darker truth: a need to dominate and control every aspect of your life.

Abusers exhibit pervasive patterns of behavior aimed at exerting power over their partners. Isolating you from loved ones, monitoring communications, controlling finances, using threats and coercion, blaming you for their actions, minimizing the abuse, manipulating through guilt and gaslighting. These tactics create an environment of fear and submission that allows them to maintain their hold.

The revelatory phone call exposed the true nature of his surveillance. It wasn’t about safety or convenience; it was about control. Recognizing this was not normal or acceptable was crucial to my journey toward freedom.

Technology Weaponized

In the digital age, abuse has evolved. Smartphones, GPS, and apps can become weapons, creating invisible prisons that extend the abuser’s reach. Tools meant for convenience are exploited to maintain power. The car app that should have been a useful tool for my own convenience had become his instrument for surveillance.

As technology integrates into our lives, abusers find insidious ways to weaponize it. My story is not unique. Countless victims have their privacy and autonomy stripped away through technological abuse.

Post-Separation Surveillance

Leaving the marriage did not end the surveillance and control. In fact, it escalated. He began reading my phone messages, opening my mail, poring over my private journal. He even hired a private investigator to track me and secretly recorded my calls. The glasses he started wearing had a hidden camera, allowing him to record me and our child without my consent.

Post-separation stalking is a terrifying and all-too-common experience for survivors of abuse. It reveals the abuser’s refusal to relinquish control, even after the relationship has ended. This behavior often escalates to threats, harassment, or physical harm. Stalking keeps survivors in a constant state of fear, undermining their ability to heal and move forward. Leaving an abusive relationship is rarely the end of the abuse.

A Painful Lesson

My experience taught me that abusive control can take many insidious forms. It hides behind masks of love, concern, and convenience. Abusers weaponize trust, using intimacy to gain access to private information, then wield it to tighten their hold.

Real love doesn’t demand surveillance. Real care doesn’t manifest as control. Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and autonomy. If your partner justifies monitoring your every move as “being concerned,” recognize it as a red flag.

In sharing my story, my aim is to expose the hidden abuses technology enables and shine a light on the realities of post-separation abuse – the insidious continuation of control even after we escape. If my words resonate with your experience, know you’re not alone. Healing is possible. Freedom is worth fighting for.

Featured image: Digital surveillance. Source:  aboutmomentsimages / Adobe Stock.

By anonymous survivor

10 Ways Abusers Use Sexual Coercion in Relationships

By
Angie Doel
-
sexual coercion in relationships

Sexual coercion in a relationship is a form of domestic abuse in which an abuser manipulates, guilts, pressures, or threatens to gain control over their partner’s sexual consent. Sexual coercion is never about love or intimacy—it’s about control.

Here are ten common ways abusers use sexual coercion to manipulate and control their partners.

1. Emotional Manipulation and Guilt-Tripping

A common tactic of sexual coercion, abusers guilt their partners into sex by suggesting that withholding it is unfair or will damage the relationship. They might say things like, “If you really loved me, you’d do this for me,” or “I pay the bills, so you owe me.”

This form of coercion distorts the idea of mutual consent, making the victim feel obligated to engage in sexual activity out of fear or guilt rather than genuine desire. It is emotional blackmail and it creates feelings of shame and confusion in the victim, making it harder to recognize the abuse for what it is.

2. Threatening to Leave or Cheat

Another form of sexual coercion is using threats to manipulate consent. An abuser may threaten to end the relationship or cheat if their partner doesn’t comply with their sexual demands. This tactic is particularly effective because it preys on the victim’s fears of abandonment or betrayal, leaving them feeling as though they have no choice but to submit.

In this scenario, consent is given under duress, meaning it is not true consent. Victims engage in sexual activity not because they want to but because they are terrified of losing their partner.

3. Persistent Pressure

Abusers may relentlessly pressure their partners, pestering them about sex until they give in. The abuser may continually bring up the subject of sex, making their partner feel as though they cannot escape the conversation. Eventually, the victim gives in just to avoid further conflict or pressure.

Persistent pressure wears down a person’s ability to refuse, making the act of sex feel more like a necessity or a chore than a choice.

4. Using Alcohol or Drugs to Impair Judgment

Some abusers use alcohol or drugs as a tool for sexual coercion, knowing it will impair their partner’s ability to give consent. By deliberately getting their partner intoxicated, they create a scenario where they are less able to resist or even realize what is happening. This is a particularly insidious form of abuse because it leaves the victim feeling as though they participated willingly, even though their capacity to consent was compromised.

5. Gaslighting and Denial

Abusers may gaslight their partners into believing the sexual coercion is all in their heads or that they are overreacting. They might say, “You’re being dramatic; it wasn’t that bad,” or “You wanted it too.” This distorts reality for the victim, making it difficult for them to recognize the abuse and further enabling the abuser’s control. Gaslighting creates a deep sense of self-doubt and confusion, trapping victims in a cycle of coercion.

6. Exploiting Financial Dependence

Abusers often use their partner’s financial dependence as leverage for sexual coercion. They may imply or outright state that continued financial support is contingent on sexual compliance. This creates a power imbalance where the victim feels they have no other option but to comply with the abuser’s demands, particularly if they are financially dependent on the abuser. Individuals in these situations may be afraid to leave or refuse because they don’t have the resources to support themselves or their children without the abuser’s financial assistance.

7. Sabotaging Contraception

A more covert form of sexual coercion involves the abuser sabotaging contraception to force their partner into unwanted sexual encounters or pregnancy. This can include tampering with birth control, lying about using protection, or refusing to use condoms despite their partner’s wishes. Reproductive coercion strips away a victim’s control over their own body and reproductive choices.

8. Using Children as Leverage

Abusers often exploit their partner’s relationship with their children as a tool of coercion. They may threaten to take away the children, limit access to them, or tell the children damaging lies about the victim if they don’t comply with sexual demands. This tactic is ruthless because it uses the individual’s love for their children as a weapon, forcing them into situations where they feel they must comply to protect their parental rights or relationships. Victims may feel trapped between their own needs and the well-being of their children.

9. Playing on Traditional Gender Roles

Abusers may use societal expectations and traditional gender roles as a form of sexual coercion, claiming it’s a partner’s “duty” to satisfy their sexual needs – particularly within a marriage. By appealing to cultural or religious norms, abusers create a framework where the victim feels obligated to engage in sexual activity, regardless of their own desires or boundaries. This tactic preys on deeply ingrained beliefs, making it difficult for victims to challenge the abuse or recognize their right to refuse.

10. Blaming the Victim

Abusers may blame the victim, shifting responsibility away from themselves. They might say things like, “You led me on,” or “It’s your fault I’m like this.” The abuser creates a dynamic where the victim feels responsible for the abuse, leading to guilt, shame, and confusion. Victims may internalize this blame, believing they are the ones at fault for the coercion, further perpetuating the abusive cycle.

Sexual coercion strips individuals of their autonomy, creates emotional and psychological trauma, and damages the trust necessary for healthy, intimate relationships. Consent is never negotiable, and no one has the right to pressure or manipulate anyone into sexual activity.

References

Logan, T. K., Walker, R., & Cole, J. (2015). Silenced Suffering: The Need for a Better Understanding of Partner Sexual Violence. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 16(2), 111-135.

Parker, B., & Parker, C. (2014). The Impact of Coercion on Sexual Decision-Making in Relationships. Journal of Family Violence, 29(8), 785-795.

Simmons, C. A., Knight, L., & Menard, A. (2018). Sexual Coercion and Its Relationship to Intimate Partner Violence and Mental Health in Women Attending College. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 27(10), 1123-1140.

Featured Image: Abusers use sexual coercion to manipulate and control their partners. Source:  Prostock-studio  / Adobe Stock

How Abusers Ruin Christmas and Steps to Reclaim Your Joy

By
Samara Knight
-
how abusers ruin Christmas

The holiday season is often seen as a time of warmth, celebration, and cherished moments with loved ones. Yet, for those in abusive relationships, Christmas can become another tool for control and manipulation. Instead of joy, abusers create tension, chaos, and distress, leaving their partners emotionally drained.

Making Everything About Them

Abusers excel at centering every occasion around their own desires, and Christmas is no exception. They demand that the festivities align with their expectations, leaving no space for their partner’s preferences or traditions.

One survivor recalled, “My husband would invite his friends around for Christmas Day lunch without asking me. I wanted to have a private family occasion, but my opinion didn’t matter, and of course, I was expected to prepare a grand lunch for everyone he invited!”

Abusers often take control of family plans, dismissing their partner’s input entirely. For others, the pattern is disengagement. Another survivor shared, “I find they sit around at the holidays like a spectator watching, never engaged… they find other places to go instead of enjoying the family they have around. They don’t give you gifts, or they lie that it’s in the mail knowing that it isn’t. But don’t you dare cry about it because then you’re ‘money hungry’ or ‘selfish.’ Then you get the silent treatment for days.”

Cutting You Off from Loved Ones

Holidays like Christmas often bring families and friends closer together, but abusers may use this time to isolate their partners further. They feel threatened by the idea of their partner connecting with others, fearing exposure of their behavior or loss of control.

To maintain their grip, abusers create excuses to prevent holiday visits or gatherings. One survivor shared, “I haven’t spent the Christmas holidays with family in six years and that’s because of him.”

Whether by fabricating obligations, guilt-tripping, or feigning illness, abusers aim to keep their partners disconnected and dependent.

Creating Chaos and Drama

For many survivors, the holidays are fraught with tension and unpredictability. What should be a time of celebration becomes an arena for the abuser’s self-centered dramatics.

“He’d have a temper tantrum and make it all about him,” one survivor explained. Others described abusers picking fights over trivial details—like how gifts were wrapped or the decorations chosen.

As one survivor summarized, “Every holiday, special event, or any day didn’t matter to him. They are purveyors of chaos and drama.” Another added, “One of my many abusers liked to send disruptive letters that would arrive just before holidays.”

This calculated chaos serves a purpose: it diverts attention from the joy of the season and repositions the abuser as the focal point.

Using Children as Tools for Control

For those who share children with an abuser, Christmas becomes another battlefield. Abusers may manipulate children to maintain power over their former partners, especially post-separation.

One survivor recounted, “After leaving my abusive husband, I told him I wouldn’t be getting him a Christmas present but would get one for our son to give him, and he agreed. However, on Christmas Day, he gave me an extravagant gift in front of our child and then complained to our son that I hadn’t gotten him anything. My son was deeply upset, thinking I had hurt his dad, but it was all a calculated performance.”

Another survivor shared, “My niece is safely living with us now. Her son had a supervised visit with his dad two days ago. The father bought him a bike for Christmas, but at the end of the visit, took the bike back so that it was at his place. Her child came home crying.”

Such behavior not only hurts children but also sabotages the relationship between them and the protective parent, reinforcing the abuser’s control.

Exploiting Faith and Spirituality

Abusers may also target their partner’s religious beliefs during the holidays, weaponizing spirituality to reinforce their dominance.

They might prevent attendance at religious services, severing ties with supportive faith communities, or insist on participation in rituals that conflict with the victim’s beliefs.

This manipulation serves to isolate and control. By dictating religious practices, the abuser positions themselves as the ultimate authority, eroding their partner’s autonomy and sense of self.

Why the Holidays Amplify Abuse

The heightened abuse during holidays stems from several factors:

  • Demanding Attention: Christmas centers on shared joy, which abusers perceive as a threat. They may sabotage events to ensure the spotlight stays on them.
  • Manipulation Opportunities: Special occasions become tools for control, whether through manipulative gifting or calculated drama.
  • Stress Amplification: The pressure to create a “perfect” holiday gives abusers an excuse to criticize or create conflict.
  • Destroying Happiness: Seeing their partner happy can provoke feelings of insecurity, leading them to undermine moments of joy.
  • Threatened by Reconnection: Holidays often encourage closeness with others—a dynamic that undermines their control.

For survivors, these patterns frequently persist after separation, with tactics like manipulative gift-giving and guilt-tripping escalating.

Reclaiming Joy Amidst the Chaos

Despite the challenges, it’s possible to find moments of peace and happiness during the holidays. Here are strategies to help you reclaim your joy:

Anticipate and Detach

Understand that their behavior stems from their own insecurities. Remind yourself: “This is about them, not me.” By emotionally detaching, you regain power over your responses.

Create Your Own Traditions

Engage in activities that bring you joy, whether it’s treating yourself to something special, watching a favorite holiday movie, or taking a peaceful walk. Small moments of self-care can renew your spirit.

Focus on the Children

If you have kids, center the holidays around them. Bake cookies, read stories, or create crafts together. These simple acts can bring stability and joy, even amidst the chaos.

Reconnect with Support

If your abuser isolates you, find alternative ways to reach out—send a card, make a phone call, or write an email. Small steps can rebuild the connections you need.

Nurture Your Faith

If spirituality is important to you, don’t let them sever that connection. Attend virtual services, or engage in personal prayer to maintain your bond with your beliefs.

Plan Ahead

For those sharing custody, establish boundaries. Decide what to share and document manipulative actions. Legal safeguards may also protect you if needed.

Your Joy Matters

While abusers may try to control the holiday season, remember: their actions do not define your experience. Each year is an opportunity to reclaim your happiness and create traditions that reflect your resilience.

Lean on those who care for you, set firm boundaries, and remind yourself that you are worthy of peace, love, and joy this season.

Featured image: How abusers ruin Christmas. Source: lovelyday / Adobe Stock.* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.

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