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Vikki Mae’s Experience with Hidden Abuse (Video)

By
Samara Knight
-
Vicki Mae

Vikki Mae’s story began when she was 17, feeling special and loved by a man who was the first to take a genuine interest in her. “He made me feel special and wanted and loved, so long as I did exactly things the way he wanted.” Initially, he lavished her with attention and gifts, making her feel valued and adored. However, this affection came with the condition that she must conform to his every demand, which she initially did without much resistance.

Over time, Vikki’s partner’s controlling behavior escalated to emotional, verbal, psychological, and financial abuse. He dictated how things should be done, isolated her from friends and family, and controlled her ability to work and manage money. Vikki explained how he even controlled their household and finances, ensuring she had to beg for money and was not allowed to work outside their family business. This progression from seemingly benign control to various forms of abuse highlights a pattern where many women, like Vikki, don’t even realize at first that they are being abused.

Vikki’s story underscores a crucial message: many women remain in abusive relationships because they don’t recognize the abuse or feel trapped by financial and emotional dependencies. Her turning point came when she attended a conference and heard other women’s stories of non-physical abuse. She realized the manipulation she had endured and found the courage to leave, stating, “Once I realized it was abuse, I had to do something about it.” Her journey illustrates the importance of self-awareness and support in breaking free from abuse and reclaiming one’s life.

Featured image: Vicki Mae. Source: YouTube Screenshot / National Domestic Abuse Hotline.

Psychological Manipulation in Relationships: Know the Signs

By
Samara Knight
-
psychological-manipulation-in-relationships

Psychological manipulation in relationships is a serious issue that can deeply affect your mental and emotional well-being. It involves one partner trying to control or influence the other in a way that is harmful, leaving you feeling confused, anxious, or depressed. Manipulation can be subtle, making it hard to recognize at first, but its effects can be long-lasting and damaging.

Here are some of the methods that manipulative individuals use within intimate relationships to gain control over their partners:

Guilt-Tripping

Guilt-tripping exploits your sense of empathy and desire to be seen as caring. For example, a manipulator might say, “If you really loved me, you would do this for me. But I guess you don’t care about my feelings.”

This strategy shifts blame onto you, making you feel responsible for the manipulator’s unhappiness or problems. Over time, guilt-tripping can lead you to consistently comply with the manipulator’s demands and prioritize their feelings over your own.

Silent Treatment

The silent treatment involves ignoring you or refusing to communicate as a way to punish or control you. This tactic is a form of emotional abuse that makes you feel isolated and desperate for the manipulator’s approval. For instance, after a minor disagreement, the manipulator might stop talking to you for days.

This silence can be devastating, leaving you feeling anxious and eager to resolve the issue, even if it means compromising your own needs or boundaries. The silent treatment is powerful because it plays on the human need for connection and can create a sense of abandonment and helplessness in you.

Playing the Victim

Playing the victim is a tactic where the manipulator portrays themselves as the victim in any situation, even when they are at fault. For example, a manipulator might say, “I’m always the one getting hurt here. I can’t believe you would treat me this way after everything I’ve done for you.”

This shifts the focus away from their actions and onto your perceived wrongdoing. By constantly positioning themselves as the wronged party, manipulators can evoke sympathy and deflect accountability, making it difficult for you to address your own feelings and concerns.

Love Bombing and Devaluation

Love bombing involves overwhelming you with affection and attention to create dependency. Devaluation follows when the manipulator suddenly withdraws affection to destabilize you.

Initially, the manipulator might say, “You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I can’t live without you.” This intense affection can make you feel incredibly valued and cherished. However, once you are emotionally dependent, the manipulator might switch to harsh criticism, saying things like, “You’re so difficult to love.”

This sudden shift can be deeply confusing and distressing, making you feel unworthy and desperate to regain the manipulator’s approval. This cycle of affection and rejection can create a powerful emotional grip, making it hard for you to leave the relationship.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a tactic that involves making you doubt your own reality or sanity. The manipulator might deny events that happened, twist the truth, or blame you for being forgetful or overly sensitive. For example, if a partner forgets a planned date and you remind them, they might say, “You never told me about this. You’re always imagining things.” This causes you to question your memory and reliability.

Gaslighting can be particularly insidious because it gradually undermines your sense of reality, making you increasingly dependent on the manipulator for validation and truth. Over time, it can drastically erode your confidence in your own perceptions and judgments.

What to Do if You Are Being Manipulated

Recognizing psychological manipulation in your relationship is the first step to addressing it. Here are some steps you can take to address the abuse and protect your mental health:

  1. Acknowledge the Problem – Accepting that the behavior you’re experiencing is manipulative is a big step. Trust your feelings and intuition. If something feels wrong, it likely is.
  2. Set Boundaries – Clearly define what behavior is unacceptable. Communicate these boundaries to your partner and outline the consequences if they don’t. For example, “I need to have a calm discussion without you raising your voice. If you start shouting at me, I will end the conversation and leave the room.”
  3. Seek Support – Talk to trusted friends or family members about what you’re experiencing. Sometimes an outside perspective can help you see the situation more clearly. This is particularly helpful when you are experiencing self-doubt.
  4. Educate Yourself – Read about manipulation and abusive relationship dynamics. Understanding these tactics can help you identify them more easily and prevent you internalizing the things the manipulator is telling you.
  5. Consider Professional Help – Mental health professions can provide strategies to identify, cope with and confront manipulation. They can also help you rebuild your self-esteem and confidence.
  6. Plan for Your Safety – If the manipulation escalates and is causing you harm, prioritize your safety. Have a plan in place to leave the relationship if necessary.

Psychological manipulation in relationships is a subtle and damaging form of control that can leave deep emotional wounds. It’s important to understand that the manipulator’s actions are a reflection of their issues, not your worth. Therefore, breaking free from manipulation is not just about escaping control but also about rediscovering your inherent worth as a human being. Everyone deserves their relationship to be one where they feel respected, valued, and safe.

Featured image: Psychological manipulation in relationships damages mental health. Source: JustLife / Adobe Stock.

References

Dubaux, A. (2024). 25 Examples of Manipulation in Relationships. Marriage.com

Hollan, K. (2023). How to Recognize the Signs of Emotional Manipulation and What to Do. Healthline.

Stritof, S. (2024). Signs of Manipulation in Relationships. Very Well Mind.

Sharp Rise in Tracking Device Misuse: 1 in 4 Users Linked to Domestic Violence

By
Samara Knight
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Tracking device

The use of tracking devices has seen a significant increase in New South Wales, but a disturbing trend has emerged. According to a recent NSW Crime Commission report, one in four individuals purchasing these devices have a history of domestic violence. This troubling statistic highlights the need for tighter regulations to prevent the misuse of tracking devices by offenders to stalk, harass, and intimidate their victims.

Alarming Statistics

The NSW Crime Commission analyzed data from over 5,500 tracking devices sold to more than 3,000 customers in 2023. The findings were alarming:

  • 37% of customers were known to police for various reasons.
  • 25% had a history of domestic and family violence (DFV).
  • 15% were linked to serious and organized crime.
  • 9% had histories of both domestic violence and organized crime.

These statistics underscore the growing misuse of tracking devices for malicious purposes, particularly in domestic violence scenarios.

Tracking Devices and Domestic Violence

Tracking devices have become tools for perpetrators of domestic violence to maintain control over their victims. The report states, “Tracking and other surveillance devices are frequently used by perpetrators of domestic and family violence to stalk, harass, intimidate and monitor victims, sometimes leading to violent outcomes.” The devices are part of a broader strategy to intimidate and control intimate partners, perpetuating the cycle of abuse even after a relationship has ended.

Phillip Ripper, CEP of No to Violence, an organisation that works with men to curb violent offending, said that tracking a partner was an “absolute red flag to increasingly harmful forms of family violence”.

“Make no mistake, tracking and surveillance are all part of stalking behaviours, all parts of coercive control and all constitute family violence in their own right,” Mr Ripper told AAP.

One notable case detailed in the report involved a woman who discovered an Apple AirTag hidden in her vehicle. Her ex-partner had been driving past her house multiple times a day and calling her incessantly. Using an anti-stalking app, she found the AirTag inside a magnetic box on her car. This incident highlights how easily accessible tracking devices can become instruments of fear and control.

The report also noted that between 2010 and 2023, NSW police charged 219 people under the Surveillance Devices Act, with about a third of the 438 charges related to the unlawful use of tracking devices. The introduction of the Apple AirTag in 2021 contributed to this rise, with 14 offenders charged for unlawful use of these devices since their market release.

Calls for Stricter Regulations

In light of these findings, the Crime Commission has called for tighter controls on the sale and use of tracking devices. They recommend that these devices include built-in anti-stalking measures and that their use be considered in bail and apprehended violence order (AVO) conditions to protect victims. Additionally, the commission highlighted the role of some private investigators and spy stores in marketing these devices to individuals intending to misuse them.

Global Perspective

While the study focused on New South Wales, similar incidents have been reported globally. Fox News reports that in Arlington, Texas, a man named Shannon Boyd used a tracking device to follow his ex-girlfriend. This led to a violent confrontation where he shot her. Arlington Police Chief Al Jones remarked, “This officer-involved shooting was an end result of a horrific domestic violence incident that involved a man that intended to kill an innocent woman.”

The woman, accompanied by a male friend, noticed Boyd trailing them and pulled over at a park. Boyd instructed the friend to leave, and fearing for his safety, he called 911. The woman survived the attack and is currently recovering in the hospital. This case illustrates the lethal potential of tracking devices in domestic violence scenarios.

Recommendations for Victims

The report advises victims of domestic violence to remain vigilant for signs of being tracked. It suggests using anti-stalking mobile applications and regularly checking personal belongings and vehicles for hidden devices. Victims are also encouraged to seek legal protection and support from law enforcement and domestic violence organizations.

The rising misuse of tracking devices by domestic violence offenders necessitates immediate action. The statistics from the NSW Crime Commission reveal a significant threat to the safety and well-being of victims. Stricter regulations, combined with public awareness and robust support systems, are crucial to combat this insidious form of abuse. As technology evolves, so must the measures to protect vulnerable individuals from its potential misuse.

Featured image: Tracking device. Source: GrafKoks / Adobe Stock.

My Story of Surviving Twenty Years of Abuse

By
Kay Miah
-
Male victim of domestic abuse

I met my former spouse under unfortunate circumstances when I was just 16. We were both liberal Muslims who acknowledged our faith but did not actively practice it. She came from a family that was sadly riddled with abuse. Her late mother, her siblings, and she herself were victims of her father’s violent behavior. After our marriage, I discovered the shocking truth that she had also been sexually abused by her brother and cousin. I later came to understand that she maintained a significant attachment to both her brother and cousin, a connection that persisted until the unfortunate dissolution of our marriage last year.

Early Marriage

We got married a few years later when I was 19 and she was 20. The initial years of our marriage were as one might expect—we accepted each other for who we were and relished the freedom of not having to conceal our relationship, as we had done during our courtship due to cultural norms.

I come from a family blessed with generational wealth, while she came from a family heavily reliant on the welfare system. In retrospect, our contrasting socio-economic backgrounds should have served as a warning sign, a point underscored by my family before our marriage. However, I overlooked these cautionary signals, believing that I was truly in love.

Radical Change

The trouble started when her brother, a drug taker, drinker, and womanizer, decided to suddenly become a radical Muslim. It resulted in my wife coming home one day after a visit wearing a black burqa. I was shocked, as this was a woman who had previously worn western clothes, drank alcohol, and smoked cannabis. She also decided she would no longer wear color and would only wear black in public. I tried my best to challenge it, but now with a young child, I put up with it.

It got worse. From changing her own persona and appearance, she began to try and enforce radical religious rules upon me and our children. She often used the threat of her brothers resorting to violence and taking my children to a Muslim country if I didn’t comply.

Control and Isolation

My wife then started using intimacy as a weapon, withholding it if I did not comply with the conditions she set.

In 2007, my world was plunged into darkness with the loss of my father. This profound grief led me to seek refuge in gambling, a temporary escape from the pain and torment I was experiencing. Later, she used this as a tool to exert control over every facet of my life.

The Breaking Point

By 2012, we had three children. However, the oppressive control had become insufferable. However, out of fear for her family and deep concern for our children, I found myself enduring the abuse.

One night in July 2012, I went out with friends and had a drink. We took some pictures, and in these pictures, we were around a mixed group of people, both male and female. One of the females took a shine to me and sent me some messages that evening. Without my knowledge, my wife went into my phone and saw these images. I was awoken at 3 am by her brothers entering my property and forcibly removing my wife and our children from our home.

I spent months trying to contact her while trying to focus on work, to no avail. My family and friends tried, but they would not respond. Eventually, her brother, who is now sadly deceased, managed to make contact with her for me. Ironically, he ran an escort agency, which is far from Islamic, but they only worried about controlling others, not their own.

A Slavery Contract

In November 2012, I was invited to her father’s home where, under the fear of never seeing my children again, they made me sign a contract that effectively enslaved me. Here are some snippets of what the contract entailed:

  • I will complete my obligatory salah, fast, go to Jummah, and give to charity.
  • I will not have any contact or mix freely with women I should not be around.
  • I will stop all associations with my friends who commit haram (‘forbidden’) acts.
  • I will immediately cease all haram acts such as drinking alcohol, going to pubs and clubs, gambling, and taking drugs.
  • I will give my wife all access and control of my financial assets.
  • If there are any big financial decisions, I would like her to consult me, but she will have the final say, as she will have my and my children’s best interest at heart.
  • If any of these demands are broken, I will leave my marital home, leaving my wife and kids to continue with their lives.

Living in Fear

The clauses and the contract I was forced to sign amounted to nothing short of slavery. However, without hesitation, I signed it, driven by the fear of being alienated from my children, whom I had not seen in several months.

It did not stop there. Now that they had me under this abusive contract, she took full control of my life. She would follow me around like a shadow, and if I ever argued back, she would remind me of the contract.

The Struggle Continues

My children were unable to visit my family or stay overnight with them, but they were allowed to do so with her family whenever they wanted. Her brother began to dictate our lives, and we were not allowed to have pictures up in the house or play music, as this was deemed haram.

The abuse continued, and they began to exploit the fact that my family had money. She stopped working by choice after our daughter was born in 2007 and has not worked a day since. I tried my best to financially support her. But by now, we had six children and, as you can imagine, a family of eight is quite an expense to cover on one wage.

I pleaded with her to work, but she refused, citing that Islam says the man should provide and the woman does not have to work. So again, I accepted this. She began to try to start numerous businesses, all of which failed, losing thousands of pounds in the process. Then she decided she wanted to be an Islamic author. I supported her, thinking that if it kept her occupied, it would give me a brief respite from the abuse.

Over time, I became a prisoner in my own skin and contemplated suicide on numerous occasions. However, thinking about my children kept me from acting on these thoughts. I no longer felt like a man and experienced deep embarrassment in public settings, suffering in silence.

Further Isolation and Control

In 2017, my brother kindly gave me money to buy a home, and her family began pressuring me to put this in her name, which I refused.

Her younger brother, a known drug dealer, stored his drug money in my home against my wishes. He openly bragged about it in front of my children, often flaunting the money in their faces. The hypocrisy was glaring: it was acceptable for her brother to ignore his faith, but for me, there was no leniency.

I began to challenge her behavior and I started to stand up for myself. However, I was without any support – she had isolated me from my family, who I had not seen for almost three years.

Final Straw

In July 2023, I organized a party to celebrate my daughter’s GCSE exam results with our family. Everything was arranged, and she initially agreed to the plan. However, one night, she abruptly informed me that she was taking the children to her dad’s place in London for two weeks, destroying the planned celebration with my family.

This was the final straw. Regrettably, I lost my cool, swore at her, and called her family scum. I told her to get out of my house. The following morning, I went to work. When I returned home, I found that my children’s passports and birth certificates, along with her valuables and a small amount of clothing, were gone.

For several days, I tried calling and texting her and her family, but I was being ignored. Then I got a call from my daughter, crying, stating her family was discussing and advising her to make false allegations of abuse against me. When my daughter spoke out, she was threatened with violence by her maternal uncle.

My daughter and son were then sent to another house so their mother and family could discuss in secret. My daughter called me again, stating she was being held against her will. I advised her to call the police and make her way to my brother’s home in London. She managed to escape, and I left work to go to London. I collected five of my six children, who have since been in my care.

Court Battles

I initiated court proceedings, but my youngest child, who is seven, is still in her care and exposed to this radical family of abusers. This resulted in their mother blocking all of my children on her phone and changing her number.

Since our separation, she has made several false allegations of various forms of abuse, a common occurrence in family court proceedings. I remain hopeful that justice will prevail and my son will be reunited with me and his siblings.

She has even enlisted her lovers and family to harass both myself and our children via social media. Without my knowledge or consent, she changed my youngest son’s GP and school. I have had to pursue these agencies to gain access to my son’s details and progress. She even instructed the school not to allow me to pick up my son, a directive the school later rescinded after I challenged them, as there were no legal grounds for such a restriction.

Hope for the Future

We have been in court for nearly a year now. During this time, my child has been indoctrinated to the extent that he harbors hatred for Jewish people and non-Muslims. Despite my best efforts and presenting sufficient evidence, agencies responsible for protecting individuals have refused to take any action.

I have been undergoing counseling to cope with the abuse I have endured. However, it deeply saddens me that services do not take the abuse suffered by men as seriously as they do with women. Abuse is not gender-specific, and anyone can be a victim.

Looking back, the journey has been excruciating, filled with moments of despair and helplessness. My wife’s radical transformation and the subsequent control she exerted over every aspect of my life turned our marriage into a prison. The manipulation, threats, and coercion I faced were relentless. Yet, amid the darkness, my children’s well-being and the support of my family have kept me grounded.

Featured image: Male victim of domestic abuse. Source: StockSnap / Pixabay.

* To share your story of abuse, visit our submissions page.

Fury in Ireland as Soldier Avoids Jail After Beating Woman Unconscious

By
Samara Knight
-
Cathal Crotty

Ireland is in uproar following the suspended sentence handed to Cathal Crotty, a 22-year-old soldier in the Irish Defence Forces, after he beat a woman unconscious in Limerick. The incident, which took place on May 28, 2022, saw Crotty attack Natasha O’Brien, 24, without provocation. The attack has sparked widespread outrage, highlighting concerns over the handling of gender-based violence by the Irish judicial system.

The Incident and Court Case

RTE reports that Cathal Crotty, from Parkroe Heights, Ardnacrusha, Co Clare, assaulted Natasha O’Brien on O’Connell Street, Limerick. The court heard that Crotty, who had been drinking, attacked Ms. O’Brien after she and a friend politely asked him to stop shouting homophobic abuse. Crotty’s initial claim that O’Brien had instigated the attack was quickly disproven by CCTV footage showing him launching an unprovoked assault.

Ms. O’Brien suffered significant injuries, including a broken nose, severe concussion, and extensive bruising. She recounted her ordeal, stating, “The physical injuries I sustained were devastating; a severe concussion, a broken nose, severe swelling, and bruising on both arms, shoulders, head, right upper thigh, left eye, cheek, and jaw.” She added that she thought Crotty was going to kill her.

Despite the severity of the attack and Crotty’s subsequent boasting about it on Snapchat, he received a three-year prison sentence, suspended in its entirety. This means Crotty will not serve time behind bars unless he reoffends.

Public Outrage and Reaction

The leniency of the sentence has provoked national outrage. Limerick feminist group ROSA expressed their dismay, stating, “The disgusting, inexcusable actions of Cathal Crotty on the night of May 28, 2022, could have easily resulted in Natasha’s death. As so many times before, we have seen the injustice system favor a man’s career over a woman’s life.” [via Limerick Live]

RTE reports that Women’s Aid, a domestic abuse charity, reported being “absolutely inundated” with calls from distressed individuals reacting to Crotty’s suspended sentence. The charity’s CEO, Sara Benson, highlighted the discrepancy between the sentencing and the gravity of the crime, saying, “At the same time, we see this act of very public violence against a woman in broad daylight, and it really does leave us questioning just how seriously we are taking the issue of violence against women and our commitment to zero tolerance.”

Earlier this week, Women’s Aid announced that there has been a 74 percent surge in physical violence perpetrated against women since 2022.

Judicial Perspective and Criticism

During the sentencing, Judge O’Donnell stated, “In fairness to him, he has come to court and publicly admitted his wrongdoings and has made a public acknowledgment of his criminality.” He justified the suspended sentence by noting that a prison term would end Crotty’s career in the Defence Forces. “If I was to impose a jail sentence on Mr. Crotty, his career is over,” Judge O’Donnell remarked.

This decision has been heavily criticized, with many feeling it sends a dangerous message about the consequences of violent behavior. Natasha O’Brien, reacting to the sentence, said, “I lost my job because of his actions, because I was so impacted by what he did, but this judge doesn’t want to jail him because it will mean he will lose his job. That’s not justice.”

Community and Organizational Responses

In response to the sentencing, protests organized by ROSA Socialist Feminist Movement are planned in Limerick, Dublin, and Cork this Saturday. The protests aim to highlight the systemic issues within the judicial system regarding the treatment of gender-based violence cases.

Ms. O’Brien’s case has brought to light significant concerns about how such cases are handled in Ireland, reflecting a broader call for judicial reform and a more robust stance against gender-based violence.

Featured image: Soldier from Irish Defence Forces. Source: Stephen / Adobe Stock.

8 Manipulative Tactics Abusers Use to Make You Go Back

By
Samara Knight
-
Abusers use tactics to make you go back

Leaving an abusive relationship is an incredibly challenging step, and abusers often use a variety of manipulative tactics to try and lure you back in. Understanding these strategies can empower you to recognize and resist these attempts. Here are eight common tactics abusers use to make you go back to the relationship.

1. Hoovering

Named after the vacuum cleaner, hoovering refers to your abuser’s attempt to “suck” you back into the relationship. This can involve exaggerated displays of affection, apologies, and promises to change. Your abuser may send flowers, write heartfelt letters, or make grand gestures of love.

When I left my husband, he gave me a cake with a romantic message on top; he had a song composed for me; he bought me flowers; and he gave me a 9-hour video montage of photos of our life together. According to the Cleveland Clinic, hoovering is designed to evoke memories of good times and create hope for a better future, making you doubt your decision to leave.

2. Blackmail

Blackmail is another powerful tool in your abuser’s arsenal. They may threaten to reveal embarrassing or damaging information about you if you do not return. This could include private photos, secrets, or any personal information that could harm your reputation or relationships. The goal is to instill fear and coerce you into compliance.

If your abuser has threatened to do this, it might help to inform yourself about the laws in your country. For instance, laws around cyberstalking, harassment, defamation, and coercive control can provide legal protections and prevent your abuser from releasing private information.

3. Threats of Suicide

Your abuser may threaten to harm themselves as a way to manipulate you into staying or returning. This tactic plays on your empathy and fear, making you feel responsible for their well-being. Suicide threats are a form of emotional blackmail intended to exert control and prevent you from leaving permanently.

My husband also used this strategy when I left him. It was extremely hard going through the first night away from him when he was telling me he was having panic attacks and suicidal thoughts, and wouldn’t survive the night. Read what to do if your abuser threatens suicide.

4. Manipulation and Guilt

Abusers are skilled at manipulating your emotions, particularly guilt. They might claim that the breakup has devastated them, their health is suffering, or they cannot function without you. Statements like “I can’t live without you” or “You’re ruining my life” are common. Mine even claimed I was causing physical and emotional harm to his elderly parents due to the shock of me leaving our marriage. These tactics aim to make you feel responsible for their misery and guilty for causing harm.

5. Controlling Finances

Control over finances is a significant method abusers use to keep you dependent. After a breakup, your abuser might withhold money, cut off access to bank accounts, or refuse to pay child support. This financial manipulation makes it difficult for you to become independent and can pressure you to return out of economic necessity.

During my marriage, my husband and I co-owned a company where he served as the CEO. After I left him, he significantly reduced my salary while increasing his own. Additionally, he used company funds for his personal expenses and extravagant holidays and gifts for our son. Despite being a co-owner of the company, I did not receive any of the same benefits. These actions were intended to place me under financial strain and compel me to return to him out of necessity.

6. Playing the Victim

Abusers often portray themselves as the true victims in the relationship. They might tell mutual friends and family that you are the one who caused the breakup or behaved abusively. This tactic is designed to garner sympathy and support from others, isolating you and making you feel misunderstood. By playing the victim, your abuser hopes to pressure you into returning to “set things right.”

7. Threats to Take Away Children

Threatening to take the children away is a particularly effective form of manipulation. Your abuser may claim they will seek full custody, move to another location with the children, or accuse you of being an unfit parent. These threats play on your love for your children and fear of losing them, making it a powerful coercion tool. This was another tactic my husband tried to make me go back to him. He told me that if I challenged him, he would deny everything, lie about me, and get our child taken away from me.

8. Threats to Your Safety

One of the most terrifying tactics abusers use to make you go back is instilling fear for your safety. Your abuser may threaten violence against you, your children, loved ones, or even pets. These threats can be explicit, such as direct threats of harm, or implicit, through displaying violent behavior. The fear of potential harm can be so overwhelming that you may feel you have no choice but to return, believing it is the only way to protect yourself and your loved ones.

How to Avoid Going Back

Understanding these manipulative tactics is crucial for anyone trying to break free from an abusive relationship. Recognizing these behaviors for what they are—strategies to regain control—can help you resist the pressure to return. Here are some steps you can take to avoid going back:

  • Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with people you can talk to when you feel tempted to return.
  • Create a Safety Plan: Develop steps to protect yourself and your children.
  • Remind Yourself Why You Left: Write a note to yourself about why you chose to leave and read it whenever you feel unsure.
  • Work to Gain Financial Independence: Seek ways to become financially self-sufficient.
  • Get Professional Support: Reach out to therapists, counselors, and support groups specialized in domestic abuse.

Navigating the aftermath of leaving an abusive relationship can be incredibly difficult, especially when your abuser employs a range of manipulative tactics to make you go back to them. It’s crucial to remember that these strategies are designed to regain control over you. By staying informed and prepared, you can uphold your decision to leave and move towards a healthier and more secure future.

References

Cleveland Clinic (2023). What is Hoovering? 7 Signs and How to Handle it.

Flannery, S. (2023). What to Do If an Abuser Threatens Suicide. Domestic Shelters.

Mandriota, M. (2021). How to Leave an Abusive Relationship and Not Go Back. PsychCentral.

Featured image: Abusers use tactics to make their partners return. Source: oreans / Adobe Stock.

Alarming Increase in Domestic Abuse Reports in Ireland

By
Samara Knight
-
Domestic abuse in Ireland is increasing

Women’s Aid has reported an unprecedented number of domestic abuse disclosures in 2023, marking the highest figures in the charity’s 50-year history. The annual report reveals an 18 percent increase in cases compared to 2022, totaling 40,048 disclosures involving women and children.

Record-Breaking Disclosures

The charity’s report documented a substantial rise in various forms of abuse:

  • Emotional Abuse: 21,974 disclosures
  • Physical Abuse: 7,851 disclosures
  • Economic Abuse: 4,297 disclosures
  • Abuse Against Children: 4,478 disclosures
  • Sexual Abuse: 1,448 disclosures

Women’s Aid has expressed deep concern over the significant increases, particularly noting a 74 percent surge in physical violence and an 87 percent rise in economic abuse since the previous year.

The Nature and Impact of Coercive Control

In addition to the Annual Impact Report 2023, Women’s Aid has released research carried out with the pro bono support of Arthur Cox LLP. This research examined the charges and convictions arising from the coercive control offense to date. The Insights Report: Review of the Publicly Reported Enforcement of the Coercive Control Offense scrutinized 11 concluded cases based on publicly available sources. This review provides insights into the nature, impact, and prosecution of coercive control since the enactment of the new offense in 2019.

The findings indicate that coercive control charges are often used alongside other criminal charges to address the comprehensive pattern of abuse rather than isolated incidents.

According to Sarah Benson, Chief Executive of Women’s Aid, the evidence from these prosecutions highlights the extensive and damaging range of abuse women endure from their current or former male partners, frequently over long periods. Women’s testimonies reveal the severe impact of coercive control on their lives and those of their children and wider family.

Perpetrators and Methods of Abuse

The vast majority of abusers (86 percent) were current or former male intimate partners. Other perpetrators included men who were not intimate partners (9 percent) and female abusers (5 percent). The methods of abuse reported were varied and severe, including assaults with weapons, constant surveillance and monitoring, relentless put-downs and humiliations, sharing of intimate images online, complete financial control, sexual assault and rape, and threats to the victims’ and their children’s lives.

The impact of such abuse on victims is profound and multifaceted. Women’s Aid described the effects as “chilling,” noting cases of exhaustion and isolation, serious injury and miscarriages, poverty and homelessness, and suicide ideation.

Leadership Response

Ms Benson described the number and nature of disclosures as “utterly appalling” and emphasized that these figures likely represent just a fraction of the actual cases.

“It is shocking that in our 50th year of service to women, we are still receiving record disclosures of domestic abuse,” she said. Benson stressed that the reported numbers are merely the “tip of the iceberg,” with one in four women in Ireland experiencing domestic abuse.

Barriers to Reporting

Ms Benson also highlighted the barriers that prevent many victims from coming forward, such as fear, stigma, and self-blame, along with persistent societal attitudes towards domestic violence. She pointed out that a significant number of victims are isolated and lack the information or confidence to seek help.

“So many victims-survivors lack the information or confidence to contact specialist services, and about one-third will suffer in total isolation, telling nobody what is happening to them,” she said.

Need for Continued Support and Investment

Although there has been increased funding for domestic violence services, Ms Benson indicated that this support is insufficient and originates from a history of neglect. She called for focused coordination and sustained investment from the government to ensure the effective implementation of the Third National Domestic Sexual and Gender Based Violence Strategy.

“At this very moment, there are many thousands of women and children living in fear of the person who should love, respect, and care for them,” Benson said, urging continued efforts to support victims and address the root causes of domestic abuse.

This report underscores the critical need for ongoing awareness, resources, and systemic change to combat the alarming rise in domestic abuse and support those affected.

Featured image: Domestic abuse has risen in Ireland. Featured image: releon8211 / Adobe Stock.

Suicide Threats as a Weapon of Coercive Control

By
Samara Knight
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Suicide threats can be a form of manipulation.

Research indicates that suicide threats are frequently employed as a method of coercive control in abusive relationships. This tactic, used to manipulate victims, presents a significant challenge for police. They must balance the mental health needs of the perpetrator with the safety of the victim.

A study by the Australian Institute of Criminology indicates that 39% of women who experience coercive control are subjected to threats of self-harm by their abusers, highlighting the prevalence of this form of manipulation.

Coercive control is a sustained pattern of behavior aimed at dominating and subjugating another individual through psychological and emotional abuse. Evan Stark, who introduced the term, emphasized that coercive control creates an intricate web of entrapment, often more debilitating than physical violence. Stark’s work underscores that this behavior is fundamentally about power and domination, concepts fundamentally at odds with genuine love and care.

Using Suicide Threats for Control

The Domestic Violence Hotline explains that abusers frequently use suicide threats as a powerful tool to control their partners. By threatening self-harm, they aim to prevent their partner from leaving the relationship or to coerce them into returning if they have already left. This tactic plays on the victim’s feelings of love and fear, manipulating their emotions to ensure compliance. The abuser’s threats of suicide can create an overwhelming sense of guilt and responsibility in their partner. It leads them to feel obligated to stay and support their abusive partner. This manipulation not only traps the victim in a cycle of abuse but also reinforces the abuser’s control in the relationship.

Challenges for Law Enforcement

According to Jessica Woolley, PhD candidate in Criminology at Deakin University, the intersection of mental health and domestic abuse is a complex issue for police. It requires a careful balance between addressing suicidal threats and protecting victims.

In Victoria, Australia, police have two primary legislative avenues: mental health laws and family violence legislation. Under mental health laws, individuals can be placed under hospital care to prevent self-harm. Family violence legislation allows police to issue safety notices, imposing conditions to protect the victim.

Victoria lacks formal protocols guiding police on handling family violence incidents involving suicide threats. Consequently, officers rely on personal experience and judgment. In contrast, Queensland offers a framework for managing such situations, focusing on immediate risk management and referral pathways.

Suicide Threats and Their Unintended Consequences

In cases where there are threats of suicide, police officers often prioritize addressing the perpetrator’s mental health, leading to hospital assessments. However, when perpetrators are hospitalized, police cannot issue family violence safety notices. Notifications from hospitals about a perpetrator’s release are inconsistent, leaving gaps in protection and accountability.

This situation places victims at increased risk, as abusers may return to the community without restrictions, continuing their abusive behavior. Some officers reported instances where perpetrators were released without any protective orders, underscoring the potential danger to victims.

Balancing Risks and Improving Response

Certain police stations are revising their approaches to address these challenges. One suggestion is to issue family violence safety notices before hospitalizing a perpetrator. Enhancing police training to balance the mental health needs of perpetrators with the safety of victims is crucial. However, police efforts alone cannot bridge the service gap.

Improved communication and collaboration between hospitals and police are essential to ensure timely issuance of safety notices. Regardless of whether suicidal threats stem from genuine mental health issues or are used as manipulative tactics, police must identify when it is being used in the context of domestic abuse.

Moving Forward

Addressing the intersection of domestic abuse and mental health requires continued research and learning. Protecting victims and holding perpetrators accountable demands a multifaceted approach, involving legal, health, and community support systems working in unison.

By enhancing our comprehension of coercive control and its manifestations, including suicide threats, we can better support those affected.

Featured image: Suicide threats can be a form of manipulation. Source: Rawpixel.com / Adobe Stock.

10 Destructive Post-Separation Abuse Tactics and What To Do

By
Samara Knight
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Stop post-separation abuse.

Post-separation abuse is a form of coercive control that continues after a relationship has ended. Abusers use various tactics to maintain power over you, causing significant emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical harm. Understanding these tactics can help you recognize the signs and seek help.

1. Threats

Threats are a common tactic used by abusers to instill fear and maintain control. These can include threats to harm you, your pets, or your possessions. Abusers may also threaten to destroy your reputation by sharing private information about you. Or, they may say that they will destroy you financially. In some cases, threats extend to harming themselves, such as threatening suicide, to manipulate you emotionally. Abusive individuals will frequently act on their threats so victims need to take everything they say very seriously.

2. Smear Campaign

Abusers often start smear campaigns, spreading false and disparaging information about you to friends, family, colleagues, or online communities. This tactic aims to isolate you by turning your support network against you. It is also their way to get revenge and to reestablish power and dominance over you. The spread of rumors and lies can cause significant emotional distress and damage your reputation, making it harder for you to seek support.

3. Stalking and Harassment

Stalking and harassment are serious forms of post-separation abuse. This can include excessive calls, emails, or texts, putting tracking devices on your vehicle, or showing up uninvited at your social or work events. Some abusers go as far as hiring private investigators or monitoring your social media accounts to keep tabs on you. These actions create a constant sense of fear and intrusion in your life. In addition, stalking and harassing behaviors are a warning sign of escalation and should always be taken seriously.

4. Financial Abuse

Financial abuse post-separation can be devastating. Abusers may block your access to joint bank accounts, credit cards, or refuse to pay child support. Some manipulate the system by working cash-in-hand jobs to minimize child support payments. Refusing to pay bills or sabotaging your employment opportunities are other common tactics. This financial control can leave you struggling to meet basic needs.

Abusers often use the legal system to harass and control you. This can involve filing frivolous lawsuits, drawing out court proceedings, or using custody battles to drain your resources and energy. Legal abuse can be a prolonged and costly tactic, often leading to significant financial and emotional stress for you. It is not uncommon for abusers to inflict legal abuse over many years post-separation.

6. Portraying You as Mentally Unstable

Abusers will often try to portray their former partners as mentally unstable. This is a way for them to gain control over you or win custody battles. It also enables them to feel better about the fact that you have left them. Toxic individuals will use gaslighting techniques to create a false narrative, making you doubt your own sanity. This manipulation can lead to you losing parenting time or being viewed negatively by others, including the courts. In extreme cases, abusers have gone as far as having their partner involuntarily admitted to psychiatric facilities under false pretenses.

7. False Accusations

False accusations are another common tactic. Abusers might, for example, file false reports of child abuse or neglect. If you have withheld your childre from your abuser because you think they are in danger of being harmed, the abuser may accuse you of parental alienation. These allegations can result in legal battles and investigations, further traumatizing you and potentially affecting your relationship with your children.

8. Abusive Parenting

Abusive parenting by a former partner can take many insidious forms, all aimed at undermining your relationship with your children. One common tactic is counter-parenting, where the abuser deliberately disrupts the child’s routine and schedule that you have set. This can include allowing the child to stay up late, neglecting homework, or letting them skip important activities.

The abuser might also spoil the child with gifts or permissive behavior to win their favor, creating a divide between you and your child. This type of manipulation can lead to the child becoming confused about boundaries and expectations, which further strains your relationship with them.

Another form of abusive parenting involves undermining your authority and rules. The abuser might tell the children that your rules are unnecessary or unfair, encouraging them to rebel against you. They might also engage in verbal or emotional abuse, such as making derogatory remarks about you in front of the children, or questioning your parenting decisions to them directly.

In extreme cases, the abuser might engage in physical or sexual abuse, putting the children at serious risk of harm. This abusive behavior not only damages the child’s well-being but also deepens the emotional trauma for you as a parent.

9. Manipulative Behavior and Emotional Abuse

Manipulative behavior and emotional abuse frequently continue post-separation. Abusers may use guilt, gaslighting, or emotional blackmail to maintain control. They might make you feel guilty for leaving, shift the blame for the abuse onto you, and use emotional manipulation to keep you entangled in their web of control. An abuser may also use emotional abuse to try to make you return to the relationship.

10. Violence

Violence is the most extreme form of post-separation abuse. Abusers may act on their threats, causing physical harm or even committing murder. The risk of intimate partner homicide is highest in the first three months after separation. You must take threats seriously and seek help to protect yourself and your loved ones.

Dealing with Post-Separation Abuse

The end of the relationship does not always mean the end of the abuser’s control and manipulation. Instead, this period can often be the most dangerous and challenging. Dealing with post-separation abuse requires a complex approach to ensure your safety and well-being. By understanding the tactics used by abusers and taking proactive measures, you can protect yourself and your loved ones.

Develop a Safety Plan – Create a detailed safety plan that includes strategies for protecting yourself and your loved ones. This plan should address various scenarios. For example, plan what you would do if your partner turned up at your house and wouldn’t leave. Your plan should include clear steps to take in case of immediate danger. Think about who you could contact and where you would go. Avoid being alone with your ex-partner even if they have never been physically abusive before.

Protecting Children – If you are concerned about your child or children’s welfare, immediate action should be taken to ensure their safety. This might include reporting your ex-partner to social services or obtaining a court-ordered welfare assessment. Documenting instances of abuse and obtaining mental health support, such as play therapy, will help to ensure their well-being. Developing a strong support network and close collaboration with schools will also help to safeguard your children.

Establish Boundaries – Set and enforce strict boundaries with your abusive partner. Eliminate contact or limit it to essential communication, especially if you have children and need to co-parent. Keeping interactions brief and focused on logistics can reduce opportunities for manipulation.

Seek Support – Engage with your community, friends, family, and professional services for support. Counseling, support groups, and legal advisors can provide valuable assistance and help you navigate this challenging time.

Document Everything – Keep detailed records of all incidents of abuse, including dates, times, and descriptions of events. This documentation can be crucial in legal proceedings and for obtaining protective orders.   

Obtain Legal Advice – Consult with a lawyer to explore your options, such as restraining orders and custody arrangements. Legal advice can help you understand your rights and the best steps to take to protect yourself. Coercive control, stalking, and domestic violence laws vary between countries, but in some cases, you may be able to file criminal charges. Some countries provide a court advocacy service where a trained professional can accompany you to court.

Protecting financial resources – try to get greater financial independence by establishing separate accounts as soon as possible. Seeking legal support can help secure child support payments and the fair division of assets. In some countries, financial aid is available specifically for survivors of domestic abuse, providing a crucial lifeline during the transition. Obtaining a copy of your credit report is also important to understand all credit cards and loans associated with your name, ensuring no unauthorized accounts impact your financial stability moving forward.

Focus on Self-Care – Take time to care for yourself and engage in activities that empower you and build your confidence. Prioritizing your well-being is essential for recovery and maintaining your strength.

Dealing with post-separation abuse requires a high level of awareness, support, and proactive measures. It is a long journey, and you will need to do everything you can to look after your own well-being throughout this process. By recognizing post-separation abuse tactics and taking appropriate steps, you can work towards regaining control of your life and ensuring your safety.

References

Aronson Fonges, L. (2022). 7 Common Post-Separation Abuse Tactics. Psychology Today.

Thurrott, S. (2023). How to Protect Yourself from Post-Separation Abuse. Domesticshelters.org.

Townsend, Z. Understanding and Overcoming Post Separation Abuse: Strategies for Survivors. Pro Legal Care.

Featured image: Stop post-separation abuse. Source: fizkes / Adobe Stock.

MPs in Canada Vote to Criminalize Coercive Control in Landmark Decision

By
Samara Knight
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Laurel Collins

In a historic move, Members of Parliament have unanimously voted to criminalize coercive control in Canada. Coercive control is a pattern of behavior associated with domestic abuse. This new legislation, introduced as a private member’s bill by New Democrat MP Laurel Collins, aims to address various forms of psychological manipulation and control within intimate relationships.

Bill to Criminalize Coercive Control in Canada

CBC News reports that the bill, which passed its third reading on Wednesday, comes after months of advocacy by Collins. She introduced it in response to abusive behavior she witnessed in her own family. The legislation targets actions such as controlling an intimate partner’s movements, employment, finances, or other personal properties. Collins argues that these behaviors are part of a larger pattern of abuse designed to limit a victim’s freedom and choices.

The bill now proceeds to the Senate, where it will be debated and studied before potentially becoming law. Collins, representing Victoria, expressed her hope that senators will recognize the urgency of the issue and pass the bill promptly.

Collins shared that the issue hit particularly close to home when her sister’s partner confiscated her keys, bank cards, and cellphone, and attempted to prevent her from leaving the house. She highlighted that many survivors and victims of intimate partner violence often face similar control tactics. These include financial control, restricted access to transportation, tracking movements, and dictating what victims can wear or eat.

Background and Broader Context

It has been over two years since a parliamentary committee recommended the criminalization of coercive control to better support victims of intimate partner violence. Collins emphasized the severe consequences of such behavior, noting that a woman is killed in Canada every six days due to intimate partner violence. She pointed out that coercive control is a common precursor to femicide, even in cases where there has been no physical violence.

Calls for Expanded Definition

Law professor Janine Benedet from the University of British Columbia, who researches sexual violence against women, acknowledged the significance of the bill but suggested it could be broader in scope. Benedet noted that coercive control can also occur in other relationships, such as those between caregivers and disabled individuals or fathers and adolescent daughters. These situations, she argued, can also lead to physical and sexual abuse.

Benedet highlighted the need for the legislation to encompass these broader contexts to ensure all victims of coercive control can recognize their experiences as abuse and seek help.

Historical Context and Previous Attempts

This is the second attempt in recent years by the federal NDP to introduce such legislation. MP Randall Garrison from British Columbia previously brought forward a similar bill two years ago. Collins’s current bill builds on Garrison’s efforts, aiming to create specific offenses targeting coercive control.

The Canadian Association of Chiefs of Police has been a strong advocate for such legislation, repeatedly urging Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s government to address coercive control. Statistics from 2018 reveal that 44 percent of women in relationships reported experiencing some form of abuse from a partner, underscoring the widespread nature of the issue.

The move to criminalize coercive control in Canada follows in the footsteps of other countries like the UK, Ireland, and some states in Australia, which have already taken similar steps. These nations have recognized the profound impact of psychological abuse and have implemented laws to protect victims and hold perpetrators accountable.

Canada already has provisions under the Divorce Act that consider family violence, including coercive and controlling behavior, when issuing contact orders concerning children. Additionally, the final report from the Mass Casualty Commission, which investigated the 2020 Nova Scotia mass shooting, recommended increased action to address coercive control. The report included testimonies from domestic violence experts who revealed that the shooter had subjected his spouse to controlling and intimidating tactics for years before his deadly rampage.

As the bill moves to the Senate, advocates for victims of domestic abuse remain hopeful that this critical legislation will soon become law, providing much-needed protection and support to those affected by coercive control in Canada.

Featured image: Laurel Collins MP discuss bill to criminalize coercive control in Canada. Source: YouTube Screenshot / CPAC.

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