Family violence perpetrators are dragging out lengthy, expensive, and traumatic court processes, leaving many women to reach unfair agreements. In Australia, the lack of legal assistance for domestic abuse victims is forcing tens of thousands of women to represent themselves in court, incur huge debts, or remain in abusive relationships.
A Broken System
Women fleeing domestic violence report that their ex-partners can use the family law system to continue their abuse. The Guardian reports that these perpetrators often run up their victims’ legal fees, delay legal procedures, and harass them with excessive legal letters.
Family lawyers describe the system as broken and drastically underfunded, with many women, already subjected to years of financial abuse, facing legal bills upwards of $200,000.
Katherine McKernan, executive director of National Legal Aid, explains, “It’s a really tough decision for people. I think that they have an option to represent themselves or they may choose to go into significant financial debt in order to manage their matter. All of those things also can mean that you may choose to stay in a relationship that’s unsafe because of the unavailability of services.” [via The Guardian]
Dire Choices and Endless Battles
Karla, who asked to remain anonymous, did not qualify for free legal assistance but could not afford private legal representation. Her ex-partner used the family courts to continue abusing her, running up her legal fees and harassing her with constant legal letters.
“He just wants to keep fighting and fighting,” she says. “If you’ve got someone who’s got that kind of vengeful personality, or post-separation abuse going on, they will just do everything they can to continue the family court hearings because it gives them a chance to humiliate the other person in public. It really came very close to completely destroying my life.” The ongoing legal battles took a severe toll on her mental health and finances, eventually forcing her to agree to unfair terms.
The Need for Legal Assistance for Domestic Abuse Victims
The government recently promised an additional $44.1 million in 2024-25 for community legal services. However, this falls significantly short of the $484 million needed, according to an independent report.
Louise Glanville, chair of National Legal Aid, stated, “The $10.8 million of additional funding coming to legal aid falls well short.” Women’s Legal Services Australia described the funding increase as a “step backwards,” indicating that many services will have to reduce their support.
Women leaving family violence situations often have to navigate the family law system to sort out parenting agreements, child support, and property settlement. The eligibility criteria for legal aid require applicants to be in the lowest 8% of income earners in Australia, putting them well below the poverty line.
Last year, an estimated 52,000 women were turned away from the 13 women’s community legal centers across the country. Katherine McKernan underscores the dire consequences: “Women being murdered in their own homes or after leaving a violent relationship isn’t being given the same level of recognition by governments as protecting our country from foreign threats.”
Increased Funding Needed
Lawyers and advocates have pointed to some changes in the family law system that have made it more accessible and fairer for women trying to leave family violence. For example, laws introduced in 2019 prevent alleged abusers from cross-examining their former partners during hearings. However, more needs to be done.
Legal advocates suggest amending the Family Law Act to consider family violence in property disputes and introducing a mandatory notification system for Indigenous women involved in family violence cases.
A significant increase in funding is crucial. Antoinette Braybrook emphasizes the need for long-term funding agreements to ensure the continuity of services: “We need a massive injection of funding and longer-term funding agreements. So we’re not scrambling at the end of each financial year to get a commitment from government.”
Addressing the lack of legal assistance for domestic abuse victims is vital to ensure that women can safely leave abusive relationships and secure their futures. As advocates call for more support, it is essential for the government to recognize the urgent need for increased funding and legislative changes to protect those most vulnerable.
On May 3, 2019, 17-year-old Ellie Gould was at home studying for her A-levels when her ex-boyfriend, Thomas Griffiths, arrived unexpectedly. The day before, Ellie had broken up with Griffiths, and now he stood at her door, a presence that would soon turn fatal. When Ellie’s mother, Carole, returned home, she found her daughter dead. Ellie had been strangled and stabbed 13 times in the face and neck. Griffiths, who was also 17 and a pupil at the same school, had attempted to stage the scene to look like a suicide. However, he was later convicted of her murder and sentenced to prison.
Missed Red Flags in Ellie’s Relationship
Ellie Gould’s tragic story highlights the often overlooked dangers of abuse in teen relationships. Reflecting on the events leading up to her daughter’s death, Carole Gould recounted several missed red flags that indicated Griffiths’ controlling and coercive behavior. From the beginning, Griffiths exhibited signs of possessiveness and manipulation, masked under the guise of affection and attention.
The Standard reports that, just days into their relationship, Griffiths began love bombing Ellie with extravagant gestures and promises. He boasted about his family’s wealth, claiming they had holiday homes in Majorca and Lyme Regis, which Ellie later doubted. Despite his part-time job at Iceland, he declared he would spend ‘loads’ on her birthday present, making Ellie feel uneasy. “That was the first red flag we missed,” Carole said [via The Standard]. This tactic of love bombing is often used by abusers to quickly create a sense of dependency and control.
The Escalation of Controlling Behavior
As the relationship progressed, Griffiths’ controlling behavior became more apparent. He would demand all of Ellie’s time, isolating her from her friends. On one occasion, Ellie was meeting girlfriends when Griffiths called after her, shouting, “Where are you going? You’re supposed to be coming to my house.” He tried to convince her they already had an arrangement together when they didn’t. This was a clear instance of gaslighting, a tactic where the abuser makes the victim doubt their own memory and perception. Despite Ellie standing up to him, the pressure continued to mount.
Griffiths’ possessiveness grew more intense as the relationship progressed. About ten weeks in, Ellie informed him she wanted to spend a Saturday at home with her mother. In response, Griffiths overwhelmed Ellie with messages on Snapchat, insisting she come to his house instead. The following day, he turned up uninvited, demonstrating his increasingly obsessive behavior. Ellie was shocked that he showed up after she had clearly asked him not to.
The final weeks of Ellie’s life were marked by increasing tension and fear. Griffiths would turn up at her school, trying to control her interactions with friends. He even attempted to yank her away from her friends in the common room, to which Ellie responded, “Get off. Either join in or leave me alone.” That night, Ellie decided to end the relationship, but Griffiths’ obsession had already reached a dangerous level.
The Tragic End and Its Aftermath
The day after their breakup, Griffiths went to Ellie’s house under the pretense of feeling unwell. He strangled her until she was unconscious and then stabbed her 13 times. The entire event was premeditated. However, the legal system’s response added further pain to the family. Griffiths received a lesser sentence because he obtained a knife at the scene rather than bringing one with him.
Reflecting on the ordeal, Carole has become an advocate for legal reform and awareness around coercive control in relationships. According to The BBC, she crusades for changes in the law and has successfully campaigned for tougher sentences for older teenagers, known as Ellie’s Law. Through this tragedy, Carole discovered that Griffiths had previously exhibited stalking behavior with another ex-girlfriend, further underscoring the missed red flags.
The Importance of Recognizing and Acting on Red Flags
Ellie Gould’s story is a stark reminder of the importance of recognizing and acting on red flags in relationships, especially among teenagers. “If your boyfriend is coercive and controlling, be very careful and don’t stay in that relationship,” Carole advises other young women. The period following a breakup is often the most dangerous, particularly if the ex-partner has shown signs of coercive control.
The need for comprehensive education on healthy relationships in schools is critical. Carole supports initiatives to get youth workers into schools to provide training on identifying red flags. “The Government should back it,” she insists, emphasizing that such training can equip teenagers with the tools to recognize and escape abusive relationships.
Ellie Gould’s life was tragically cut short by a pattern of behavior that is all too common and often overlooked. By sharing her story and advocating for change, Carole hopes to prevent other young women from experiencing the same fate. “I wish I had known then what I know now,” Carole reflects, hoping that her daughter’s story will serve as a wake-up call to the dangers of coercive and controlling behavior in relationships.
Featured image: Ellie Gould, who was murdered by her boyfriend Griffiths. Source: Wiltshire Police.
When I first met Mark, he seemed like the perfect partner. We met in Sydney at a mutual friend’s barbecue, and he immediately swept me off my feet with his charm and attention. Our relationship began with an intense, whirlwind of passion that quickly turned into a possessive, controlling, and abusive marriage. But it wasn’t until I left him that the true extent of his stalking became apparent.
The Beginning of Control and Abuse
Mark’s jealousy and control were evident from the beginning. He would monitor my every move, questioning where I was going, who I was with, and what I was doing. If I spent too much time with friends, he’d accuse me of not loving him enough. If I was a minute late coming home from work, he’d bombard me with questions, making me feel like I had to justify every second of my day. But I never expected that leaving him would escalate his behavior to the level of stalking and relentless post-separation abuse that I endured.
After years of emotional and physical abuse, I finally found the courage to leave. It was the hardest decision I ever made, but I knew it was necessary for my sanity and safety. I moved to a different part of the city, changed my phone number, and started a new job. I thought I could start fresh, but Mark wasn’t ready to let go.
Within weeks, strange things started happening. I’d get random texts from unknown numbers, making cryptic comments about my day-to-day activities. It wasn’t long before I realized Mark had hacked into my phone and social media accounts. He knew where I was, who I was with, and what I was doing at all times. It felt like I was being watched every moment of the day.
Living Under Surveillance
One evening, after a particularly stressful day at work, I went to the supermarket to pick up some groceries. As I was browsing the aisles, I felt a familiar presence behind me. I turned around, and there he was. Mark. Just standing there, staring at me. “What a coincidence,” he said with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. But I knew it wasn’t a coincidence. It was planned.
The stalking didn’t stop there. He planted an AirTag in my car, which I discovered weeks later after feeling like I was constantly being followed. Every time I went to meet friends or attend social events, he would mysteriously appear. It got to the point where I started to avoid going out altogether because I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing him again. “You can’t hide from me,” he would say, “I’ll always know where you are.”
The worst part was when he hired a private investigator to surveil me. I noticed a man following me, taking pictures from a distance. It felt like I was living in a nightmare. No matter where I went or what I did, Mark was always a step behind, ready to remind me that I couldn’t escape his control. “I just want to make sure you’re safe,” he’d claim, but I knew it was about power, not protection.
Seeking Help and Moving Forward
At work, I started receiving flowers and notes, supposedly from a secret admirer, but the messages were eerily familiar. Mark knew details about my work life that I hadn’t shared with anyone. He’d turn up at my office unannounced, making scenes and demanding to see me. My colleagues began to notice, and I felt humiliated and helpless.
The constant surveillance and intrusion into my life took a toll on my mental health. I became anxious, paranoid, and withdrawn. I was living in a state of perpetual fear, never knowing when or where he would show up next. “I’m always watching,” he’d text, and I believed him.
Seeking help, I contacted a local women’s shelter and legal service. They advised me to document everything and provided support as I navigated the legal system to get a restraining order. The process was grueling, and Mark used every opportunity to manipulate the system. He presented himself as a concerned husband, painting me as unstable and paranoid.
Despite the restraining order, the stalking continued. Mark found ways to bypass the restrictions, exploiting every loophole. I had to change my phone number again, deactivate my social media accounts, and rely on friends and family for support and security. “You can’t get rid of me that easily,” he’d say, mocking my efforts to protect myself.
Surviving Stalking
Over time, with the help of supportive friends, therapy, and legal action, I started to rebuild my life. I moved to a different city, found a job that I loved, and began to regain my sense of safety and self-worth. But the scars of Mark’s stalking and post-separation abuse remain.
My story is not unique, and it’s a stark reminder of the dangers of stalking, especially in the context of domestic violence. If you or someone you know is experiencing similar abuse, please seek help. No one deserves to live in fear, and there are resources and people ready to support you in reclaiming your life. “You’re stronger than you think,” a friend once told me, and it’s true. There is hope, even in the darkest of times.
Featured image: Surviving stalking after domestic abuse. Source: Ирина Батюк / Adobe Stock.
Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional and psychological manipulation and a pattern of abusive behavior used by individuals with narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). This article will explore the key signs of narcissistic abuse and provide strategies for managing or escaping it.
What is Narcissism?
Narcissism refers to a personality trait characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. While everyone exhibits some narcissistic traits at times, true narcissism lies on a spectrum. At its most extreme, it manifests as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a clinical diagnosis.
Narcissistic Traits vs. Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Many people can show narcissistic traits like arrogance or feeling entitled, especially when stressed or during certain times in their lives. These traits can cause problems with others but it doesn’t mean someone has a disorder.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a far more severe and persistent condition than the occasional display of narcissistic traits.
NPD includes having an exaggerated sense of self-importance, fantasies of unlimited success and power, believing they are unique, needing constant admiration, feeling entitled, taking advantage of others for personal gain, lacking empathy, being envious of others, and arrogant behaviors. These characteristics are not just occasional behaviors, but are ingrained patterns that significantly affect relationships and daily functioning.
Recognizing Signs of Narcissistic Abuse
People with NPD are frequently abusive in relationships due to their pervasive need for control and admiration. In addition, their lack of empathy means they struggle to recognize or care about their partner’s feelings, leading to a pattern of abusive behavior that can severely damage the victim’s self-esteem and well-being.
Narcissistic abuse often follows a distinct pattern and can include various abusive behaviors. Here are some common signs:
Love Bombing – Love bombing is a manipulative strategy used at the start of a relationship where the abuser overwhelms you with excessive attention, flattery, and affection.
Ignoring Boundaries – Narcissists often disregard personal boundaries, pushing their own agenda regardless of your comfort or consent.
Gaslighting – Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation technique where the narcissistic abuser makes you question your reality and sanity.
Criticism and Insults – Narcissists often criticize and make demeaning remarks to undermine your self-esteem and sense of worth.
Projecting – Narcissistic abusers project their own negative traits or behaviors onto you, accusing you of the very things they are guilty of themselves.
Lack of Empathy – Anarcissist’s inability to empathize means they often disregard your feelings, causing emotional harm without remorse.
Exploiting Vulnerabilities – They will exploit your insecurities and weaknesses to maintain dominance and control.
Belittling – Narcissists engage in constant belittling to make you feel inferior and dependent.
Volatile Behavior – Unpredictableand volatile behavior, including outbursts of rage, keeps you on edge. You never know what to expect next.
Psychological Manipulation – Narcissists use psychological manipulation to confuse and control you, making you doubt your own judgment.
Emotional Blackmail – They use guilt, fear, and obligation to manipulate you into compliance.
The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
The narcissistic abuse cycle is a repetitive and destructive pattern often seen in relationships with a narcissist. It consists of three key stages: idealization, devaluation, and discarding.
Idealization: This phase is characterized by love bombing and grandiose gestures. The narcissist creates an instant, intense connection, making the victim feel unique and wonderful. This stage moves quickly, with the narcissist dazzling the victim with gifts and compliments. These are intended to create a sense of overwhelming attraction. It may feel pleasant initially, but it quickly escalates and becomes overpowering and overwhelming for the partner.
It’s important to remember that while it may feel like love and care, it is actually a manipulative strategy to hook you in.
Devaluation: The next phase of the narcissistic abuse cycle is devaluation, where the narcissist knocks their partner off the pedestal they have placed them on. The narcissist begins dropping subtle hints that the victim has done something wrong, forgotten something important, or hurt their feelings. This leads the victim feeling insecure.
The devaluation phase may include increasing criticism and insults, backhanded compliments, mind games, comparisons to others, ridicule, gaslighting, belittling, and increased control over their partner.
Discard: In this stage, the narcissist discards their partner, especially when they no longer receive the ego-boosting attention and affirmations they crave. The narcissist is not interested in love and security; their primary focus is on maintaining their inflated self-image. Once the narcissist feels they can no longer extract admiration from their current partner, they complete their cycle of abuse and move on to their next victim, leaving their former partner confused and hurt.
Effects of Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse can leave deep and enduring scars on its victims, profoundly impacting their mental, emotional, and physical well-being. The insidious nature of this abuse often results in a gradual erosion of the victim’s self-worth and confidence. Over time, the constant manipulation and control exerted by the narcissist can lead to severe emotional distress and a range of debilitating symptoms.
Constant criticism and belittling by the narcissist erode the victim’s self-esteem, making them feel increasingly inadequate and unworthy. The prolonged emotional and psychological trauma can lead to complex PTSD, characterized by difficulty regulating emotions, feelings of detachment, anxiety and negative self-perception.
Additionally, narcissists often isolate their victims from friends and family, increasing their dependency on the abuser and further entrenching the cycle of abuse. This isolation intensifies the victim’s feelings of loneliness and helplessness, making it even harder to break free from the toxic relationship.
The emotional toll of narcissistic abuse frequently leads to severe depression and anxiety, which can persist long after the relationship has ended. Chronic stress and emotional turmoil can manifest in physical symptoms such as headaches, digestive issues, and sleep disturbances, further compromising the victim’s health. Understanding these effects is crucial for recognizing the depth of harm caused by narcissistic abuse and the importance of seeking help and support.
How to Deal with Narcissistic Abuse
Dealing with narcissistic abuse requires recognizing the signs and taking proactive steps to protect yourself.
Know When and How to Leave – If the abuse persists and escalates, you should consider leaving the relationship. Create a safety plan, seek support, and exit the relationship as safely as possible.
Don’t Try to Change Them – Understand that you cannot change a narcissist. Focus on protecting yourself rather than trying to alter their behavior.
Establish Boundaries – Set and enforce clear boundaries to protect yourself from further abuse. Boundaries are essential for maintaining your mental health.
Focus on Building Your Self-Esteem – Rebuild your self-esteem through self-care, positive affirmations, and engaging in activities that make you feel good about yourself.
Build Your Support Network – Surround yourself with supportive friends, family, and professionals who understand your situation and can offer emotional support.
Focus on Your Own Needs – Prioritize your own needs and well-being because the narcissist never will. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment.
Seek Professional Help – Consider seeking therapy to help process the trauma and develop coping strategies.
Narcissistic abuse is a damaging and insidious form of emotional and psychological manipulation that can have long-lasting effects on victims. By understanding what narcissism is, recognizing the signs of narcissistic abuse, and knowing how to deal with it, victims can take steps to protect themselves and begin the healing process. Leaving a relationship characterized by narcissistic abuse is often the best option for ensuring safety and well-being.
I met Daniel in the summer of 2008 while traveling through Spain. I was a wide-eyed tourist, exploring the vibrant streets of Barcelona, when I stumbled upon a charming café tucked away in a quiet corner. Daniel was sitting there, reading a book. Our eyes met, and it felt like one of those movie moments where everything around you fades away. He smiled, I smiled back, and just like that, our story began.
A Whirlwind Romance
The relationship moved quickly, like a whirlwind romance straight out of a fairytale. Within weeks, we were inseparable, and Daniel was the most attentive, loving man I had ever met. He would surprise me with flowers, whisk me away on spontaneous weekend trips, and shower me with compliments. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen,” he would say, looking at me as if I was his entire world. It felt like a dream come true.
We got married after just a year of dating. Looking back, I see how fast everything moved, but at the time, I was swept up in the romance and excitement. Shortly after the wedding, subtle changes began to surface. Daniel started expressing discomfort with my friends, suggesting that they didn’t really care about me or our relationship. “Why do you even bother with them? They never have your best interests at heart,” he’d say. Slowly, I started seeing less and less of them, choosing instead to spend my time with Daniel to avoid arguments.
Control Creeps In
Then came the financial control. At first, it seemed like Daniel was just being responsible. “Let me handle the bills and the budget. It’s easier this way,” he insisted. But soon, he was questioning every purchase I made. If I bought a new dress, he’d frown and ask, “Do you really need that? We need to save money.” He even took away my credit card, giving me cash only when I needed it. “It’s for our future,” he’d claim, making me feel guilty for wanting any semblance of independence.
Every aspect of my daily life was under his scrutiny. Daniel decided when I could go out, whom I could meet, and even what I could wear. If I wanted to go out for lunch with a friend, he’d question me for hours. “Why do you need to see her? Can’t you spend time with me instead?” he’d ask, his voice laced with suspicion. It got to the point where it was easier to just stay home than face his interrogations.
Abuse Intensifies
The verbal abuse started subtly but escalated over time. He’d criticize my cooking, my appearance, my intelligence. “You’re so stupid, can’t you do anything right?” he’d snap when I made a mistake. He’d belittle my ambitions, saying, “Your ideas are ridiculous. No one will take you seriously.” His words cut deep, and I started doubting my worth, feeling like I was constantly walking on eggshells.
Gaslighting became a daily occurrence. Daniel would twist my words and make me question my memory. “I never said that. You’re imagining things,” he’d insist when I confronted him about his hurtful comments. He’d accuse me of being overly sensitive and paranoid. “You’re crazy. No one else would put up with you,” he’d say, making me doubt my sanity.
Feeling Trapped
The threats were the worst. When I’d muster the courage to challenge him, he’d threaten to leave me, knowing how much I feared being alone. “If you don’t like it, you can leave, but you’ll never make it on your own,” he’d warn, his voice cold and menacing. Sometimes, he’d threaten to hurt himself, saying, “If you ever leave me, I’ll kill myself, and it will be your fault.”
The breaking point came when I found out I was pregnant. The thought of raising a child in such a toxic environment was unbearable. I knew I had to leave for the sake of my unborn child. But leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Daniel had isolated me from my friends and family, controlled my finances, and shattered my self-esteem. I felt trapped and powerless.
The Escape
With the help of a local women’s shelter, I managed to escape. It took months of planning and gathering the courage to leave. I remember the day I left vividly. My heart was pounding as I packed a small bag and slipped out of the house while Daniel was at work. I felt a mix of fear and relief as I walked away from the life I had known. Daniel showed no interest in being involved in our child’s life and quickly moved into a new relationship.
Starting over was incredibly difficult. Daniel had made me believe I was worthless, but slowly, I began to rebuild my life. The support from the shelter and reconnecting with old friends helped me regain my confidence. Therapy was a crucial part of my healing process, allowing me to understand the abuse and rebuild my self-worth.
Now, years later, I am free from my controlling relationship. I’ve learned to trust myself again and have built a new life for me and my child. I share my story to help others recognize the signs of domestic abuse and to encourage them to seek help. No one deserves to live in fear, and there is hope for a brighter future.
Featured image: A woman sits alone. Source: Salsabila Ariadina / Adobe Stock.
Reactive abuse is a complex and often misunderstood phenomenon that occurs in abusive relationships. It involves a victim of abuse responding to their abuser’s actions in a way that appears aggressive or violent. This reaction is typically a self-defense mechanism, yet abusers often manipulate this behavior to further their abusive agenda. This article will explore what reactive abuse is, how abusers use it to justify their actions, the consequences of reactive abuse, and strategies to prevent it.
What is Reactive Abuse?
Reactive abuse happens when a victim responds to prolonged or intense abuse with an outburst that might appear abusive to an outsider. This response is usually driven by self-defense and the accumulated stress and trauma from the abuse. It is important to understand that reactive abuse is a reaction to provocation, not an indicator of the victim’s character or typical behavior. Therefore, it is my belief that the term ‘reactive abuse’ is inaccurate and misleading and should be changed to ‘reactive defense‘.
Examples of Reactive Abuse:
Yelling or screaming back at the abuser after being repeatedly provoked or insulted.
Physically lashing out after enduring continuous physical or emotional abuse.
Using harsh words or threats in a desperate attempt to stop the abuser’s harmful behavior.
Reactive abuse is often misinterpreted because it happens in the heat of the moment, and outsiders might not see the ongoing abuse that led to the reaction.
How Abusers Use Reactive Abuse to Their Advantage
Abusers are skilled at manipulating situations to portray themselves as the victim. They can use instances of reactive abuse to justify their ongoing abusive behavior, claiming that they are the ones being mistreated. This tactic is particularly insidious as it can flip the narrative, making the real victim seem like the abuser.
Ways Abusers Exploit Reactive Abuse:
Justifying Their Behavior: Abusers might say, “See, this is why I treat you this way,” using the victim’s reaction to rationalize their own abusive actions.
Gathering Proof Against the Victim: Abusers may provoke a reaction in private but record it or have witnesses ready to corroborate their version of events. This “proof” can be used in legal battles, such as custody disputes.
Smear Campaigns: By highlighting instances of reactive abuse, abusers can start a smear campaign to isolate the victim from friends, family, and support systems. They might tell others, “You don’t know what she’s really like,” to discredit the victim and garner sympathy for themselves.
Gaslighting: Abusers can use reactive abuse to gaslight their victims, making them question their sanity. They might say, “You’re crazy. Look at how you act,” to further destabilize the victim’s sense of reality.
Consequences of Reactive Abuse
The consequences of reactive abuse are far-reaching and can exacerbate the victim’s situation. Potential consequences may include:
Legal Repercussions: Abusers can use evidence of reactive abuse in court to gain custody of children or obtain restraining orders against the victim.
Isolation: The abuser’s smear campaign can lead to the victim losing friends and family support, making it harder to leave the abusive relationship.
Mental Health Impact: Being labeled as “crazy” or “abusive” can have severe psychological effects on the victim, leading to anxiety, depression, and lowered self-esteem.
Reinforcing the Abuser’s Control: By successfully flipping the narrative, the abuser can maintain or even strengthen their control over the victim, making it more difficult for the victim to seek help or escape the abusive situation.
How to Prevent Reactive Abuse and What to Do Instead
Preventing reactive abuse involves recognizing the abuser’s tactics and finding healthier ways to respond to provocation. It is crucial for victims to develop strategies that help them maintain control over their reactions and seek support from trusted sources. Strategies to prevent reactive abuse include:
Recognize the Triggers: Understand what specific actions or words from the abuser tend to provoke a reactive response. Awareness of these triggers can help in preparing a more measured reaction.
Create a Safety Plan: Have a plan in place for how to leave or seek help if the situation escalates. This might include contacting a trusted friend, family member, or a local domestic violence hotline.
Practice Self-Care and Stress Management: Techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or physical exercise can help manage stress and reduce the likelihood of reacting impulsively.
Seek Professional Help: Therapy can provide victims with coping mechanisms and strategies to deal with their abuser’s provocations more effectively.
Consider Leaving the Relationship: If the abuse persists and continues to escalate, it may be necessary to leave the relationship for your safety and well-being. Seek support from domestic violence services, friends, and family to help you through this process.
Instead of reacting impulsively to provocation, try to take a step back to maintain control over your emotions. Employing thoughtful responses can help defuse the situation and prevent the abuser from gaining further control. Alternative actions instead of reacting include:
Stay Calm and Silent: Sometimes the best response is no response. Walking away or staying silent can defuse the situation and deny the abuser the reaction they seek.
Document the Abuse: Keep a detailed record of abusive incidents, including dates, times, and descriptions. This documentation can be useful if legal action is necessary.
Reach Out for Support: Connect with local support groups or online communities where you can share experiences and get advice from others who have been in similar situations.
Reactive abuse is a defensive response to prolonged and intense abuse, often manipulated by abusers to further their control and justify their actions. Recognizing what reactive abuse is and understanding the tactics abusers use can help victims protect themselves.
It’s important to remember that reactive abuse does not make you an abuser. Instead, it highlights the need for better coping strategies and support systems. By being aware of the signs and consequences of reactive abuse, victims can take steps to safeguard their mental health and seek appropriate help.
In most cases, leaving an abusive relationship is the best option to ensure safety and well-being.
Love bombing is a manipulative tactic abusers use to gain control over someone else by overwhelming them with excessive attention, affection, and gifts. It is often the initial stage in a cycle of abuse that can lead to significant emotional and psychological harm. Understanding what love bombing is, recognizing the warning signs, and knowing when to leave a relationship that starts with such behavior are crucial for protecting one’s mental health and well-being.
Understanding What is Love Bombing
Love bombing involves an intense period of courtship where the abuser showers the target with affection, admiration, and gifts to create a sense of dependency and to manipulate their emotions. This tactic is commonly used by narcissists and other individuals with manipulative tendencies.
According to Justin Bariso, author of ‘EQ Applied’, love bombing is “an attempt to use attention and affection to influence another person.” The goal is to make the target feel special and valued, thereby gaining their trust and loyalty quickly.
Examples of Love Bombing Behaviors
Constant compliments and flattery – telling you your beautiful, talented, intelligent, complimenting you on your clothes, job, or anything they feel is important to you.
Grand romantic gestures, such as extravagant dates, surprise vacations, or expensive gifts.
Excessive communication, including numerous calls, texts, and social media interactions.
Rapid declarations of love and future plans, such as opening joint bank accounts, marriage proposals, or moving in together.
Insisting on spending all available time together
These behaviors can make the target feel incredibly special and cherished initially, but the intensity and speed of these actions can also be overwhelming and disorienting.
Warning Signs of Love Bombing
Recognizing the warning signs of love bombing can help you identify when you might be in a manipulative relationship. Here are some key indicators to watch for:
1. Intensity and Speed: Love bombers often rush the relationship, pushing for quick commitments and making grand declarations of love early on. This rapid progression can leave you feeling pressured and off-balance.
2. Gifts with Strings Attached: While compliments and gifts are normal in healthy relationships, love bombers use them excessively to create a sense of obligation and dependency. If the attention and gifts feel overwhelming or come with strings attached, it’s a red flag.
3. Isolation from Others: Love bombers will want to have you all to themselves. To accomplish this, they will try to isolate you from friends and family, positioning themselves as the sole source of emotional support and affection. In the beginning, it can feel like love and care, but it is a sign of possession and control. The isolation can make it harder to see the manipulation clearly.
4. Inconsistent Behavior: After the initial phase of intense affection, love bombers often become inconsistent, alternating between affectionate and distant or even abusive behavior. This inconsistency is designed to keep you in a state of confusion and dependency.
5. Manipulative Tactics: Love bombers often use guilt, fear, or obligation to maintain control. They may accuse you of being ungrateful or disloyal if you try to set boundaries, slow down the relationship, or don’t reciprocate their grand gestures and gifts.
Types of People Who Engage in Love Bombing
Love bombing is most commonly associated with individuals who have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Narcissists use love bombing as a way to boost their ego and gain control over others. However, love bombing can also be a tactic used by other manipulative personalities, including:
1. Psychopaths and Sociopaths: These individuals may use love bombing as a way to charm and manipulate their victims for personal gain. Their lack of empathy allows them to exploit others without remorse.
2. Insecure Individuals: Some people with deep-seated insecurities might engage in love bombing to secure affection and validation. Their need for constant reassurance can drive them to overwhelm their partners with attention.
3. Abusive Partners: Individuals who are prone to abusive behavior might use love bombing as a way to trap their victims in a cycle of abuse. The initial affection and attention make it harder for the victim to leave when the relationship turns abusive.
When and Why to Walk Away
It’s crucial to recognize when love bombing has shifted from mere enthusiasm to manipulative behavior. Here are reasons and scenarios when it’s better to walk away from such a relationship:
1. Emotional Exhaustion: The constant attention and affection can be exhausting and can drain your emotional energy. If you feel overwhelmed and unable to maintain your own space and individuality, it’s time to reassess the relationship.
2. Lack of Genuine Connection: Love bombing creates a false sense of intimacy that doesn’t allow for a real, deep connection to develop. If the relationship feels shallow despite the intense affection, it might be because it is built on manipulation rather than genuine feelings.
3. Manipulative Behavior: If your partner uses guilt, fear, or obligation to control you, it’s a clear sign of manipulation. Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect and understanding, not control and coercion.
4. Rapid Escalation: Relationships that progress too quickly can often be a sign of underlying issues. If your partner is pushing for quick commitments and declarations of love and you feel overwhelmed, take a step back and evaluate their intentions.
5. Isolation Tactics: If your partner is trying to isolate you from your support network, it’s a significant red flag. Healthy relationships encourage and support your other relationships, not undermine them.
Love bombing is a dangerous and manipulative tactic used by individuals to gain control over others. Recognizing the signs and understanding the motivations behind such behavior can help you protect yourself from emotional and psychological harm.
If you find yourself in a relationship that starts with love bombing, it’s essential to set boundaries, seek support, and be prepared to walk away if the behavior continues.
Understanding what is love bombing and its implications can save you from significant emotional distress. Remember, healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, genuine connection, and balanced affection.
Of the many “profound risks to society and humanity” that have tech experts worried about artificial intelligence (AI), the spread of fake images is one that everyday internet users will be familiar with.
Deepfakes – videos or photographs where someone’s face or body has been digitally altered so that they appear to be doing something they are not – have already been used to spread political disinformation and fake pornography.
These images are typically malicious and are used to discredit the subject. When it comes to deepfake pornography, the vast majority of victims are women. Generative AI – technology used to create text, images and video – is already making image-based sexual abuse easier to perpetrate.
A new set of laws in the UK, will criminalise the sharing of deepfake pornography. But with the attention on AI and deepfakes, we cannot forget how less sophisticated technology can be used as a tool of abuse, with devastating consequences for victims.
Tech and control
When I began my research into technology in abusive relationships, deepfakes were just a blip on the horizon. My work focused on the role of smartphones in the abuse of women who had fled controlling relationships. I found that perpetrators of domestic abuse were using technology to extend the reach of their power and control over their partners, a modern take on abuse tactics that were used long before smartphones were in every pocket.
Mobile phones can be used directly to monitor and control, using GPS tracking or by bombarding a victim with texts, videos and voice calls. One participant in my research in 2019 explained how her abusive partner used his phone to access social media, sending her offensive pictures via Instagram and persistent and offensive WhatsApp messages.
When she was out with her friends, he would first text, ring and then video call her constantly to check where she was and to see who she was with. When the participant turned off her phone, her then-partner contacted her friends, bombarding them with texts and calls.
This participant felt too embarrassed to make arrangements to meet with her peer group and so stopped going out. Others in similar situations might be excluded from social plans, if friends want to avoid being contacted by their friend’s abuser. Such social isolation is a frequent part of domestic abuse and an important indicator of controlling relationships.
According to the domestic violence charity Refuge, more than 72% of people who use its services report abuse involving technology.
Mobile phones are a gateway to other gadgets, via the “internet of things” – devices that are web-connected and able to exchange data. These tools can also be weaponised by abusers. For example, using mobile phones to change temperature settings on a household thermostat, creating extremes from one hour to the next.
Confused by this, people seek explanations from their partner only to be told that this must be a figment of their imagination. Gaslighting techniques such as this make victims question their own sanity which undermines their confidence in their own judgment.
Deepfakes often target women as tools for abuse.
A modern panopticon
With the click of a button, mobile phones allow for unprecedented surveillance of others. In the pocket of a perpetrator, they can be used to keep tabs on current and former partners any time, any place and – signal permitting – anywhere. This gives perpetrators a power of omnipotence, leaving victims believing that they are being watched even when they are not.
This brings to mind the work of the 18th-century philosopher Jeremy Bentham, who introduced the concept of the “panopticon”. Bentham proposed a “perfect” prison system, where a guard tower sits in the centre, surrounded by individual cells.
Isolated from one another, prisoners would see only the tower – a constant reminder that they are permanently watched, even though they cannot see the guard within it. Bentham believed such a structure would result in the prisoners’ self-surveillance until eventually no locks or bars were needed.
My most recent research shows that mobile phones have created similar dynamics within abusive relationships. Phones take the role of the tower, and perpetrators the guards within it.
In this modern panopticon, victims can be out and about, visible to strangers, friends and family. Yet because of the presence of the phone, they feel they are still being watched and controlled by their abusive partners.
As one participant put it: “You feel there’s no freedom even when you’re out. You feel like you are locked up somewhere, you don’t have freedom, someone is controlling you.”
Survivors of abuse continue to monitor themselves even when the perpetrators are not there. They act in ways that they believe will please (or at least not anger) their abusers.
This behaviour is often viewed by others as strange, and too readily dismissed as paranoia, anxiety or more serious mental health issues. The focus becomes about the victim’s behaviour and ignores the cause – abusive or criminal behaviour by their partner.
As technology becomes more sophisticated, the tools and strategies available to abusers will continue to evolve. This will extend perpetrators’ reach and present new opportunities for surveillance, gaslighting and abuse.
Until tech companies consider the experiences of domestic abuse survivors and build safety mechanisms into the design of their products, abuse will continue to remain hidden in plain sight.
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic to gain power and control over someone. Recognizing the signs of gaslighting is crucial, as it plants seeds of uncertainty in a person’s mind. This self-doubt makes the person question their reality.
The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1944 movie “Gas Light.” In the movie, Gregory, played by Charles Boyer, tries to make his wife Paula, played by Ingrid Bergman, question her reality. He makes the gas lights flicker but when she notices it, he tells Paula it’s all in her mind. These lies and deception keep her feeling off-balance and disoriented.
Gaslighting happens in toxic relationships and is a form of psychological abuse. It is common in romantic relationships but can also occur in family or workplace settings.
Gaslighting is so disorienting that victims often don’t realize it’s happening. It can harm your mental health and well-being if not addressed.
Here are 15 signs of gaslighting in a relationship.
Signs of Gaslighting
1. Lies: The Foundation of Gaslighting
People who engage in gaslighting are often habitual and pathological liars. They typically lie blatantly and consistently, refusing to back down or change their stories in the face of evidence. Even when the truth is clear, gaslighters can be very persuasive. They might twist stories to cast themselves in a better light or falsely accuse you of being mistaken, forgetful, or distrustful. A common example is denying having an affair despite clear proof, such as incriminating texts.
This relentless lying is more than just a manipulation tactic; it’s a hallmark of a toxic personality that leaves the victim in constant doubt and confusion. Regular deceit can be extremely disorienting, making it difficult to trust others and severely impacting mental health.
2. Denying Reality, Erasing the Truth
Gaslighters will frequently deny events or insist they occurred differently from how you remember them. For instance, they might deny promising to do something for you or claim they never shouted at you when they did. Common phrases from gaslighters include, “I never agreed to that,” “Did you forget again? I’m worried about you,” or simply, “That never happened.”
They often deny lying, hurting your feelings, or any wrongdoing. Instead, they insist you misunderstood, remembered incorrectly, or are fabricating things to hurt them. They might even blame you for your reaction rather than taking responsibility. These denials can erode your sense of reality, making you doubt your own memories.
3. Attacking What You Love Most
Gaslighters use manipulative tactics to make you question yourself and your values by targeting what you hold dear. If you love your job, they might criticize it, making you doubt your career choice. If you have children, they might make you feel like a terrible parent. For example, “You shouldn’t have had kids if you can’t handle them.” By attacking what you love most, they are targeting your identity and sense of self-worth.
Gaslighters may also mock your hobbies, favorite movies, or fashion choices. Harmless teasing turns into constant belittling of your interests. The goal is to slowly erode your self-esteem and to rely on their approval. Gaslighters believe they know what’s best for you and make you doubt your judgment. Their aim is to make you dependent on them, stripping away your autonomy and reinforcing their control.
4. Words Versus Actions: The Empty Promises
Using words to hide or excuse bad behavior is another sign of gaslighting. They may say they care about you but their actions may be inconsistent with love and care. For example, they might claim to support you while criticizing your choices. They may promise to help with chores but never lift a finger. Or, they might say they value your opinion but constantly dismiss your ideas and feelings. If someone consistently behaves the same way, believe the pattern, not the promises.
5. Mixed Messages: The Intermittent Reinforcement Trap
Gaslighters mix positive reinforcement with criticism to confuse you. They may insult and belittle you one day and offer affection and praise the next. This mixed messaging leaves you feeling uneasy and questioning your perception. You might think, “Maybe they aren’t so bad.” The constant switching between kindness and cruelty is disorienting. You never know what to expect, leaving you always off-balance and unsure of your standing.
6. Twisting Your Words: Conversations Turned Upside Down
Gaslighters use many tactics to manipulate conversations and twist words to their advantage. They talk in circles, deflect questions, repeat your questions, flip the conversation onto you, and shift blame. They may also use your words against you in order to make you feel guilty or ashamed. These strategies disorient and overwhelm the listener.
When confronted, they might change the subject to avoid accountability. They may use sarcasm or passive-aggressive comments to subtly undermine your confidence. They may also use charm or flattery to manipulate your emotions, making you more susceptible. Another tactic is ‘putting words in your mouth.’ For example, if you express that you are overwhelmed and need space, they might respond with, “You don’t care about me at all.” They take what you have said and apply a different meaning to your words than what you intended.
These methods divert attention from their actions and obscure the truth, making it hard for you to identify the manipulation or argue back.
7. Projecting: The Blame Game in Gaslighting
Projecting is when the abuser blames their own negative characteristics or behaviors on the victim. They accuse you of doing things that they are actually doing themselves. This tactic manipulates your perception of reality and adds to your confusion. For example, they might accuse you of cheating when they are the ones being unfaithful. Or, they might tell you that you are being paranoid when that is how they are feeling.
The gaslighter projects their own inadequacies onto the victim to maintain power and control. This tactic not only distorts your reality but also makes you feel responsible for their behavior.
8. Calling You Crazy & Questioning Your Sanity
A frequent tactic of abusers is telling you that you’re crazy. This makes it hard for you to trust your own judgment. Gaslighters use this strategy to make you believe your thoughts and feelings are wrong or exaggerated. They might say things like, “There’s something wrong with you,” or “You’re overreacting.” They also use phrases like, “You’re just imagining things,” or “You need help.”
A gaslighter aims to erode your confidence and make you doubt your sanity. By repeatedly saying you’re crazy, they keep you fearful and insecure, which makes controlling you easier.
9. Changing Rules and Shifting Goalposts
A gaslighter creates uncertainty by changing rules and expectations without warning. They might say they are fine with their partner spending time with friends of the opposite sex but then become jealous and controlling when it happens. This unpredictable behavior confuses their partner.
By constantly changing the rules, the gaslighter gains power and control. Their partner never knows what to expect or how to act. This keeps the partner off-balance and makes it easier for the gaslighter to manipulate and control them.
10. Everyone Else is A Liar
Among the signs of gaslighting is telling you that everyone else is lying and against them. They do this because they know you can get support and validation from others. When you talk to others, you can cross-check your memories and perceptions. By saying everyone else is lying, the gaslighter makes you doubt this support.
This tactic blurs your sense of reality and makes you rely more on the gaslighter. Without outside validation, you further question your own thoughts and memories. This gives the gaslighter more control over you.
11. Manipulating Reality
One of the most extreme forms of gaslighting is when someone manipulates your reality. For example, in the movie “Gaslight,” Gregory changes the gas lights and tells Paula she’s imagining it. This vindictive strategy includes hiding objects and pretending they know nothing about it. They might say, “You lost your keys again? You really have a problem with your memory.”
Another example is moving things around and denying it. They could say, “Why do you keep misplacing things? You need to be more organized.” These actions make you doubt your memory and perception, and really feel like you are going mad!
12. Minimizing Your Emotions
Gaslighters will often undermine or minimize your emotions to make your reality seem invalid. They accuse you of being “too sensitive,” “hysterical,” or “overly emotional,” making you feel unjustified in your anger, even when it’s valid. They constantly downplay your feelings or the importance of events. For example, if they lose a large sum of money gambling and you get upset, they might say, “Don’t be so dramatic,” “It’s not that bad,” or “You’re acting very childish.”
Additionally, they might tell you that your emotions are irrational or illogical, insisting that you shouldn’t feel the way you do. They may try to convince you to “get over it.” Remember, your feelings are valid and deserve respect, even if they don’t align with your partner’s opinion.
13. Triangulation: Third Party Chaos
Triangulation is a tactic used by gaslighters to manipulate and control their victims. It involves referring to other people to create doubt and confusion. For example, a gaslighter might say, “Even your friend thinks you’re being irrational,” which makes you question your own judgment.
The gaslighter also uses triangulation to manipulate relationships. They might say, “I heard your sister saying you’re too sensitive. Maybe she doesn’t want to spend time with you anymore.” This creates conflicts between the victim and their support network, weakening their connections.
By involving a third party, the gaslighter can create a sense of solidarity and support for their viewpoint, making it harder for you to argue against it. For instance, “Everyone at work agrees with me that you’re overreacting.”
Gaslighters use triangulation to isolate you and make you more dependent on them for validation and support.
14. Exploiting Your Vulnerabilities
When a gaslighter knows your vulnerabilities, they will exploit them to gain control. For example, if they know you are self-conscious about your weight, they might make negative comments about your appearance. They can use past traumas to manipulate, saying hurtful things like, “Your father left because he didn’t care about you.” If you’ve had substance abuse or mental health issues, they will use this to make you doubt yourself. For instance, “You seem stressed, I hope you aren’t slipping back into your old habits.” These tactics are extremely hurtful and aim to destroy your self-worth and confidence.
15. Countering Your Memories
Countering, a common gaslighting tactic, involves the abuser challenging the victim’s memories and perceptions. The gaslighter questions the accuracy of the victim’s recollection, making statements like, “Are you sure that’s how it happened? You always mix things up,” “You’re remembering it wrong; I never said that,” or “That’s not how it went; you must be confused.” This approach aims to make the victim doubt their own memory, leading to confusion and self-doubt, and ultimately trust the abuser’s version of events instead.
Recognizing and Escaping Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a severe form of mental and emotional abuse. When someone gaslights you, it creates a fog of uncertainty and self-doubt, gradually wearing down your self-confidence. This form of manipulation is extremely harmful to your well-being, leading to confusion, anxiety, depression, insecurity, and low self-esteem. It can leave you feeling isolated and helpless.
If you find yourself constantly questioning your reality, feeling anxious, and apologizing excessively, these are signs of gaslighting, and you might be a victim. If you suspect you are being gaslit, it’s important to set clear boundaries, seek support from trusted friends or professionals, and consider ending the relationship if the abuse continues. Taking action to stop gaslighting will protect your mental health and help you regain your sense of self.
Marc Masterton, 26, has been jailed in England for coercively controlling his former girlfriend, Zoe Castle, during two years of what she described as “horrific” abuse. This is not Masterton’s first offence; he had previously been sent to prison for 41 months last year for the same crime against another partner, Chloe Holland, who tragically committed suicide. Masterton pleaded guilty to the offence against 24-year-old Zoe Castle while they were in a relationship in Southsea, Hampshire.
The BBC reports that Ms Castle said it was hearing about Chloe Holland’s experience that finally gave her the confidence to report Masterton to the police. In her victim impact statement read at Portsmouth Crown Court, Ms Castle said she had lived in “constant fear” of Masterton, who was already in prison following his previous offence. “He would always make me feel like I was the one to be blamed and that if I just didn’t say anything, he wouldn’t have done it,” she said [via BBC].
Zoe Castle’s Harrowing Testimony
Ms Castle and Masterton began their relationship in 2017, when she had just turned 18. He moved into her flat in Southsea, where Ms Castle was living with her young daughter. Initially, there was a honeymoon period, but soon, Masterton’s true nature surfaced.
The court heard acts of violence included the victim being hit over the head with a glass bottle, cut on the finger with a knife, thrown into a wardrobe, and an incident where Masterton picked her up and placed her in a freezing cold ice bath.
Victim Impact Statement
According to The Portsmouth News, Ms Castle’s statement descontrcribed the abuse, which lasted for two years, as the “very worst time of my life.” She has since been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. “I have lived in either constant fear of being beaten or losing the most precious thing in my life, my daughter,” she said. “He made me know I had no choice but to stay and accept his constant abuse. I was his property and if I wanted out he would contact social services and say whatever he needed to to have my daughter taken from me – I believed him.”
Their relationship ended in 2019 when Masterton was sent to prison for an unrelated offence. It was not until 2023 that Ms Castle found out Chloe Holland had also been abused by him.
Passing sentence, Judge Michael Bowes KC said Masterton’s behavior had had a “devastating effect” on Ms Castle and praised her for her “bravery in coming forward.” He ordered the latest sentence be served consecutively to the sentence for the offences against Ms Holland and issued a restraining order to protect Ms Castle. Masterton was jailed for a further three years and seven months at Portsmouth Crown Court.
Masterton’s First Victim, Chloe Holland
Chloe Holland’s case was described by police as a “horrific campaign of coercive and controlling behavior.” Ms Holland had reported Masterton for domestic abuse and provided a two-hour video submission to police that led to his conviction.
Ms Holland died in hospital in March 2023 after attempting to take her own life. Her mother, Sharon Holland, has since begun campaigning for coercive control offenders to face more severe legal consequences, reflecting the severe impact of their actions on victims.
Police and Public Reactions
Police staff investigator Nikki Brogan expressed strong condemnation of Masterton’s actions. “He has a history of subjecting his partners to some of the most heartbreaking and appalling campaigns of domestic violence involving physical assaults, control, and psychological abuse,” she said. Brogan emphasized the importance of taking reports of coercive control seriously and the need for robust legal measures to protect victims and hold offenders accountable.
The public reaction has been one of shock and outrage at the extent of Masterton’s abusive behavior. Advocacy groups for domestic violence victims have called for increased awareness and resources to support those experiencing coercive control. They stress the importance of early intervention and the provision of safe avenues for victims to report abuse.
Featured image: Marc Masterton. Source: Hampshire Constabulary.
