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When Support Turns Toxic: The Enablers Who Help Abusers and Harm Victims

By
Angie Doel
-
abuse enablers

In domestic abuse, the focus is often on the abuser; however, there is a crucial, often overlooked element in the perpetuation of abusive dynamics: the enablers. Enablers are individuals who, knowingly or unknowingly, support, excuse, or ignore abusive behavior, creating an environment in which abuse can continue.

Enabling manifests in various ways, including dismissing the victim’s concerns or providing financial or emotional support to the abuser. They may also normalize, justify, or excuse the abuse. Enablers are a crucial cog in the machinery of abuse, making it essential to understand how family and friend networks can perpetuate harm.

The Role of Enablers in Domestic Abuse Dynamics

Enablers play a pivotal role in maintaining abusive dynamics, sometimes without realizing the damage they cause. In some cases, enablers genuinely believe they are helping either the victim or the abuser. For instance, they may encourage the victim to return to their abuser. In others, they might fear confronting the abuser because they would face social, familial, or financial repercussions if they were to intervene.

Enablers can be family members, friends, coworkers, or even community or religious leaders. They often provide a shield for the abuser by:

  • Dismissing or downplaying the victim’s concerns. Statements like, “It’s not that bad,” or “You’re overreacting,” serve to invalidate the victim’s experience and make them question the severity of the abuse.
  • Offering financial or emotional support to the abuser. This might involve lending money, providing housing, or offering emotional comfort to the abuser, thereby allowing them to continue their behavior without consequences.
  • Normalizing the abusive behavior. Some enablers justify the abuse by blaming stress, substance use, or other external factors, making excuses for the abuser rather than holding them accountable.

In abusive relationships, particularly those involving narcissistic abuse, enablers take on a more insidious role. Narcissists often surround themselves with individuals who act as their enforcers—commonly referred to as “flying monkeys.”

Narcissistic Abuse and Flying Monkeys

The term “flying monkeys” originates from The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch uses an army of monkeys to do her bidding. In the context of narcissistic abuse, flying monkeys are individuals recruited by the narcissist to harass, manipulate, or isolate the victim further. These enablers may actively participate in spreading rumors, gaslighting, or shaming the victim on behalf of the abuser.

Flying monkeys might be unaware that the narcissist is manipulating them and may believe they are acting out of loyalty or genuine concern. In some cases, they might have their own ulterior motives, such as maintaining a close relationship with the abuser for personal gain.

Flying monkeys play a vital role in keeping the victim trapped in a cycle of abuse. By isolating the victim, discrediting their version of events, and painting the narcissist as the actual victim, flying monkeys help sustain the narcissist’s control and prevent the victim from seeking help or escaping the relationship.

How Family and Friend Networks Can Perpetuate Harm

While enablers may seem like passive participants in an abusive relationship, their actions—or inactions—can have significant consequences. Their support to the abuser may perpetuate harm in the following ways:

1. Reinforcing the Abuser’s Power

Enablers often allow the abuser to maintain their power by failing to hold them accountable. Whether through financial support, emotional encouragement, or simply turning a blind eye, enablers help create an environment where the abuser can continue their behavior unchecked. By validating the abuser’s actions or making excuses for them, enablers essentially grant them permission to continue the abuse.

In narcissistic abuse, flying monkeys play an especially active role in reinforcing the abuser’s power. They may defend the abuser publicly or smear the victim’s reputation, all while the narcissist remains in the shadows. This collective reinforcement of the abuser’s authority makes it incredibly difficult for the victim to break free.

2. Silencing the Victim

Victims of abuse often look to their support networks for validation and assistance. However, when these support systems are compromised by enablers, the victim may be met with disbelief, dismissiveness, or outright hostility. Phrases like, “He’s not like that with me,” or, “She’s just going through a tough time,” serve to invalidate the victim’s experience and make them doubt their own perceptions of reality. The victim may be labeled as “crazy,” “overly emotional,” or “vindictive,” making it difficult for them to gain the support they need to leave the relationship or seek help.

3. Creating a Culture of Normalization

When abuse is normalized, it becomes increasingly difficult for victims to recognize the severity of the situation. Family members, friends, or coworkers who dismiss the abuse or suggest it’s a private matter perpetuate the notion that abusive behavior is acceptable. Normalization traps the victim in the relationship and sends a message to the abuser that their behavior is tolerated.

Enablers often fail to see the long-term consequences of their actions. By minimizing the severity of the abuse, they contribute to the cycle of abuse and allow it to continue, sometimes across generations. This culture of normalization is especially dangerous in cases of domestic violence, where the stakes are often life-threatening.

4. Inhibiting Accountability

One of the most damaging effects of enablers is their role in preventing the abuser from facing accountability for their actions. Without the pressure of consequences, abusers are free to continue their behavior without fear of repercussions. This lack of accountability perpetuates the abuse and emboldens the abuser to escalate their actions over time.

In some cases, enablers may even go so far as to help the abuser evade legal or social consequences. They might provide alibis, lie on behalf of the abuser, or attempt to manipulate authorities into believing the victim is at fault. In doing so, enablers become complicit in the abuse, further entrenching the victim in a harmful and dangerous situation.

Breaking the Cycle of Enabling

Addressing the role of enablers in abusive relationships requires a comprehensive approach. Education and awareness are critical components in helping individuals recognize when they are enabling abusive behavior, whether knowingly or unknowingly. Encouraging bystanders to take action, hold abusers accountable, and offer tangible support to victims can help break the cycle of abuse.

Support systems must be vigilant in recognizing signs of abuse and take responsibility for their role in perpetuating harmful dynamics. By offering genuine assistance to the victim, refusing to excuse or justify abusive behavior, and holding abusers accountable for their actions, enablers can transform into allies in the fight against abuse.

References

Bancroft, L. (2003). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Berkley Books.

Simon, G. (2010). In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. Parkhurst Brothers.

20 Survivors Share Why Leaving an Abusive Relationship Isn’t as Easy as People Think

By
Samara Knight
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Leaving an abusive relationship

Victims of domestic abuse are often asked, “Why don’t you just leave?” This question fails to acknowledge the complex dynamics of abusive relationships and overlook how deeply manipulation, fear, control, and financial constraints keep victims trapped.

Many people believe they would leave immediately if their partner harmed them. To an outsider, walking away seems like an obvious choice. However, leaving an abusive relationship is rarely just about physically exiting a shared space. It involves breaking free from a web of emotional, financial, and psychological control that an abuser has woven over time.

Below, 20 survivors share the challenges they faced when leaving an abusive relationship. Their voices reveal the complex barriers that kept them from escaping, showing that leaving is not a simple decision, but a deeply challenging and dangerous struggle.

1. Nowhere to Go

“I didn’t have anywhere else to go. No access to money, and no support network. My family was over two hours away, and I had no transport to get there. I felt completely trapped.”

2. Financial Abuse and Isolation

“He cut me off completely financially, isolated me from friends and family, and constantly asked, ‘How will you survive? You have nowhere to go.’ When my car broke down, he refused to fix it. I had to walk everywhere for nearly a year, feeling like a prisoner.”

3. Fear of Retaliation

“He threatened to kill my family if I left. He would go into great detail about how he would hurt them. In the end, he kept his awful promise and took his own life when I asked for a divorce. I stayed out of fear for so long, but he made sure I couldn’t leave without consequence.”

4. Fear of Losing Children

“I stayed because he threatened to take my child away if I left. He would say, ‘If you leave, you’ll never see him again,’ and I believed him.”

5. Trauma Bonding

“The trauma bond is real. I felt like I couldn’t live without him, even though he was destroying me. He had me convinced that leaving would be worse than staying.”

6. Hoping for Change

“I kept believing his promises to change. Every time he said, ‘I’m sorry. I’ll do better,’ I wanted so badly to believe him. But it was always the same cycle of abuse.”

7. Threats and Manipulation

“He would threaten to kill himself if I left. He’d say, ‘If you leave, it’s your fault I die.’ I stayed longer because I didn’t want that guilt on me, even though he was the one hurting me.”

8. Fear of Death

“He said the only way I’d leave was in a wooden box. He’d talk about slashing my face to bits. I truly believed he would kill me if I tried to leave, and I had three young kids to think about.”

9. Guilt and Shame

“He made me feel guilty for even considering leaving. ‘You’re breaking up our family,’ he’d say. I felt like I was failing as a partner and a mother, even though it was him destroying us.”

10. Love and Hope

“I loved him and hoped he would stop treating me badly. I thought if I could just be better—more patient, more loving—he would go back to being the man I fell in love with.”

11. Children as Pawns

“He used our children as a weapon against me. ‘If you leave, you’re abandoning them,’ he’d say. I didn’t want to lose them or have them think I didn’t love them enough to stay.”

12. Threats to Personal Safety

“Every time I tried to leave, he’d say, ‘If you ever leave, I’ll find you and make sure no one else can ever have you.’ It was a promise he made over and over, and I believed him.”

13. Self-Doubt and Gaslighting

“He gaslighted me so much I thought I was the problem. I truly believed I was the one who needed to change and that leaving would mean I’d failed.”

14. Emotional Manipulation

“He’d say, ‘If you loved me, you wouldn’t leave.’ I stayed because I wanted to prove that I was a good person who didn’t give up on people. I was wrong.”

15. False Hope and Lies

“I kept believing he’d change. He’d tell me he loved me and was sorry. I wanted to believe the lies so badly, and every time I thought about leaving, I’d remember the good times and hope they’d come back.”

16. Fear of Homelessness

“The threat of homelessness kept me there. I couldn’t afford to live on my own. If I left, where would I go?”

17. No Support Network

“I had no outside support—no family, no place to go that was less traumatic than staying. Plus, he controlled all the money, so even if I wanted to leave, I had nothing.”

18. Protecting Loved Ones

“I thought I was protecting my loved ones by staying. He said he’d hurt them if I left. I felt like I was shielding them, even though it meant sacrificing myself.”

19. Bond with Step-Children

“I stayed for his children. I loved them, and he made me feel like leaving meant abandoning them. I wanted to believe there was some good in him for their sake.”

20. Fear of Repercussions

“I was scared of what he’d do if I left or told anyone. He’d downplay the abuse if the cops came, and I knew I’d have to say anything to make them leave because I knew it would get worse once they were gone.”

Shifting the Focus: Why Doesn’t the Abuser Let Them Leave?

Instead of asking victims why they don’t “just leave”, we should be asking the abuser why they don’t “just stop abusing” and why they didn’t let them leave. Shifting the focus places responsibility back where it belongs—on the abuser’s behavior. This change in perspective helps highlight the true source of the problem and allows for a more compassionate approach to supporting victims.

There are numerous reasons why leaving an abusive partner is difficult. Therefore, instead of attributing blame to victims, exploring how we can support them is more constructive. Questions such as “How is your partner making it hard for you to leave?” or “What would help you to leave?” focus on solutions and understanding the mechanisms of control used by abusers.

Supporting victims effectively requires us to challenge our perceptions and the questions we ask about domestic abuse.

Featured image: Leaving an abusive relationship comes with many challenges. Source: BonzEarthsnapper / Adobe Stock.

Psychological Abuse Hurts—Deeply

By
Carol A. Lambert MSW, LICSW
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psychological abuse harmful effects

Psychological abuse, the aspect of domestic violence that’s the most elusive, endangers women the most. Fortunately, since the late 1990s, research that reveals psychological abuse and its harmful effects has been increasing. We now know that women can experience ongoing trauma, which causes them to develop serious physical and mental health problems.

One research study showed that their physical health problems resemble those of women who experience physical violence. And women facing psychological abuse are twice as likely to identify physical health issues as the women who are not abused (Coker et al. 2000). Some of the physical conditions women suffer include chronic pain, headaches, stomach ulcers, and urinary tract infections—all of which make living life feel even more uncomfortable.

An even bigger consequence is the traumatic impact psychological abuse has on mental health. Even subtle psychological abuse (undermining, discounting)—without overt psychological abuse (dominating, demeaning) or violence—can be traumatizing (McKibbin 1998). In fact, subtle psychological abuse correlates more with women’s emotional states than acts of sexual and physical violence (Marshall 1999). Here are what the studies say:

  • Psychologically abused women experience depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem (Baldry 2003).
  • Psychologically abused women score lower on self-efficacy, which is how empowered a woman feels to make a difference, than women who are not abused (Ovara, McLeod, and Sharpe 1996).
  • When psychological abuse is compared to physical violence and other types of abuse, psychological abuse shows up as the strongest predictor of post-traumatic stress disorder (Pico-Alfonso 2005).
  • Psychological abuse by far makes people more fearful than any other type of abuse (Sackett and Saunders 2001).
  • A controlling partner who ridicules personal traits, criticizes, controls activities, and ignores their partner causes a loss of self-esteem (Sackett and Saunders 2001).

These findings make a strong case that, when you live with a controlling partner, it’s just not possible to feel well or to be at your best because you’re at very high risk for a multitude of health issues, including post-traumatic stress disorder. Take a moment to pay attention to how you might be feeling given what you just learned. All the ways you can be impacted can be unsettling to hear.

There is one condition in particular I want to highlight. While your feelings of self-efficacy—feeling empowered to make a difference—may be low, that terrible feeling of powerlessness is something that you can change. The hurtful impact of psychological abuse makes it all the more important for you to educate yourself, since by becoming informed you can initiate a shift that can help you start to feel some control. This book can help you create this shift as you move to knowing and then feeling stronger and empowered. Then you will have the best chance to take back control of your life.

This article is an excerpt from: ‘Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner’ (pp. 12-13) by Carol A. Lambert. Receive a Free Chapter here.

Carol A. Lambert provides 12-week recovery groups for women with controlling partners. Read more here.

Carol A. Lambert’s blog on Psychology Today.

Featured image: Harmful effects of psychological abuse. Source: Tatyana Gladskih / Adobe Stock.

“He Fired a Crossbow at Me”: Belfast Abuse Survivor Recounts Harrowing Escape

By
Samara Knight
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Domestic abuse survivor Chelsea Hamilton

A Belfast domestic abuse survivor, Chelsea Hamilton, has bravely shared her story to encourage other women to seek justice after enduring years of coercive control and physical abuse. One year after her ex-partner was jailed, Chelsea is using her voice to help others recognize the red flags of abusive relationships and break free from the cycle of violence. Her harrowing experience reveals a pattern of love bombing, a fast-moving relationship, and the escalation into coercive control and violence.

From Charm to Control

Chelsea Hamilton’s relationship with her ex-partner began as many abusive relationships do—through a period of intense affection known as love bombing. According to Belfast Live, they met on Tinder, and from the beginning, Chelsea was drawn to his charm and seemingly perfect demeanor. He said all the right things, showering her with attention and affection, making her feel like she had found someone special. However, within just a few months, the relationship moved quickly, a classic sign of an abuser trying to gain control.

Chelsea recalls how she moved away with him to Liverpool within six months, isolating her from her friends and family. The fast pace of their relationship served to cut her off from her support system, a common tactic used by abusers to increase their power and control over their victims. Although things seemed perfect initially, subtle signs of control were already emerging. The isolation was not accidental—it was a method of trapping her in a relationship where her only contact and reliance would be on him.

“We moved away together within six months,” Chelsea told Belfast Live. “Now, looking back on that, I can see that I was moved away to isolate me and that happened really quickly and I didn’t see at the time that’s what was happening.”

Escalation from Emotional to Physical Abuse

Once Chelsea was living with him, the relationship began to shift. The early charm and affection gave way to controlling behaviors that became more apparent over time. She was cut off from her support system, and as her world grew smaller, his control tightened.

During the lockdown period, the relationship took a darker turn, with her partner becoming increasingly aggressive and controlling. Chelsea describes how her ex-partner’s behavior escalated from emotional abuse to physical violence, all while maintaining the illusion of being a loving partner in front of others. As her independence dwindled, his power over her grew, leaving her trapped in a cycle of abuse.

Chelsea’s situation worsened as the relationship progressed. The abuse culminated in a terrifying incident where her ex-partner shot a crossbow at her. She recounts how he threatened her life, following her with the weapon, pointing it directly at her, and telling her that it was for her.

“At that point I realised I had to go, that I was going to die here if I didn’t leave,” Chelsea recounted.

A Harrowing Escape

When Chelsea expressed to her partner that she wanted to leave, the violence intensified. He physically assaulted her for hours, choking her unconscious, kicking her until her ribs broke, and firing the crossbow through a door she had shut behind her.

“If I hadn’t have sat down, that would have went through me because it cleared the door and went into the concrete wall behind me,” Chelsea told Belfast Live. “He just came into the room and pulled it out of the wall and walked away again.”

Chelsea’s injuries from the attack were severe, but she managed to flee, calling her stepfather for help and he contacted the police. Her ex-partner tried to scape in his car but police apprehended him and he was arrested.

Chelsea disclosed to police that her ex-partner had stabbed her months earlier—an incident she had previously hidden out of fear and manipulation.

Justice and Empowerment

Chelsea’s ex-partner was sentenced to four and a half years in custody, with an extended three-year license period due to his classification as a dangerous offender. Despite the legal action taken, Chelsea acknowledges that the effects of the abuse continue, as does the need for her to remain vigilant. She speaks openly about the continued emotional toll, but also the immense relief and freedom she now feels.

Reflecting on her experience, Chelsea encourages other women to speak out, emphasizing that the earlier the signs of coercive control and abuse are recognized, the sooner action can be taken.

“It’s looking for the small things like the love bombing at the start, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is,” she explained. “If something doesn’t sit right with you or it feels uncomfortable, speak to somebody about it, it doesn’t matter if it might sound silly because I didn’t know what was happening to me was abuse at all. I just thought it was all very normal and it clearly wasn’t.”

Chelsea acknowledges that leaving an abusive relationship is extremely difficult and can come with its own dangers, but it is also the path toward safety, strength, and recovery.

Featured image: Domestic abuse survivor, Chelsea Hamilton. Source: YouTube Screenshot / Belfast Live.

Grooming in Relationships: How Abusers Manipulate Their Partners

By
Angie Doel
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Grooming in adult relationships

Grooming is often associated with child abuse, but it’s also a tactic employed by abusers in adult relationships to gain power and control over a partner. Understanding how grooming works in the context of abusive relationships is essential for recognizing early warning signs and breaking free from these toxic dynamics.

This form of subtle manipulation gradually entangles a partner in a web of control, emotional dependence, and isolation. It typically begins with a period of intense affection and attention, where the abuser charms and wins over the victim. During this phase, the abuser creates a façade of love, devotion, trust, and security, making their target feel valued and special.

Once the victim is emotionally invested, the abuser slowly introduces behaviors that undermine their partner’s autonomy and self-esteem. This psychological manipulation makes the partner more vulnerable to control, causing them to doubt their perceptions, judgments, and eventually their worth. The goal of grooming is to shape a partner into someone dependent, submissive, and easily dominated.

The Phases of Grooming in Adult Relationships

Grooming can be broken down into five phases. Each stage is designed to erode the victim’s ability to recognize the abuse while increasing the abuser’s control.

  1. Idealization and Love Bombing. The abuser presents themselves as the perfect partner, overwhelming the victim with love, gifts, attention, and praise—commonly called “love bombing.” The victim feels cherished, important, and secure, making identifying potential red flags difficult. The abuser may rush the relationship forward, pushing for a quick commitment, whether through moving in together, marriage, or having children. This rapid escalation is designed to lock the victim into the relationship before they can fully evaluate their partner’s true intentions.
  2. Isolation. As the relationship progresses, the abuser often begins to isolate the victim from friends, family, and support systems. This isolation might be framed as concern or protection: “I don’t like how your friend talks to you,” or “Your family doesn’t understand how much we love each other.” Over time, the victim’s social circle narrows, leaving them more reliant on the abuser for emotional support and validation. Without external perspectives, it becomes harder for the victim to see the manipulation or seek help.
  3. Undermining Self-Esteem. Once isolated, the abuser begins to chip away at the victim’s confidence and sense of self, starting with seemingly minor criticisms or “jokes” that belittle their partner. Over time, these comments escalate, targeting the victim’s appearance, intelligence, or abilities. Phrases like “You’re too sensitive” or “No one else would put up with you” are common. This constant negativity is designed to make the victim feel unworthy of love and acceptance outside the relationship, further deepening their dependency on the abuser.
  4. Gaslighting. This tactic involves the abuser manipulating the victim into questioning their reality. Through lies, denial, and distortion of facts, the abuser creates confusion and self-doubt in the victim’s mind. For example, the abuser may deny ever saying something hurtful or claim the victim is “overreacting” to abusive events. Over time, the victim becomes uncertain of their perceptions and judgments, making them more reliant on the abuser’s version of events.
  5. Establishing Complete Control. By the time grooming has fully taken effect, the abuser often has control over many aspects of their partner’s life, including their finances, social interactions, and even their daily decisions. The victim may find themselves constantly seeking approval from the abuser, making decisions based on fear of displeasing them, or feeling as if they can’t function without the abuser’s guidance. This level of control creates an environment in which the victim feels trapped, too frightened or insecure to leave the relationship.

Recognizing Grooming in an Adult Relationship

Grooming is often subtle, making it difficult for victims to recognize what is happening. However, there are key behaviors and red flags to look for:

  • If a partner pushes for significant commitments early on—moving in together, marriage, or having children—this could be a sign of grooming.
  • An abuser will often discourage contact with loved ones, either through direct manipulation or by creating tension between the victim and their support system.
  • A partner who regularly criticizes or makes demeaning comments, even in a “joking” manner, is likely trying to undermine their partner’s self-esteem.
  • If the victim feels they can no longer make decisions without their partner’s input or approval, this is a sign that the abuser has established control over their life.
  • Consistent denial of events, accusations of overreacting, and dismissal of the victim’s feelings are all tactics used to manipulate the victim’s perception of reality.

Why Grooming Is So Effective

Grooming is highly effective because it plays on a victim’s emotional needs and desires. Most people enter relationships seeking love, validation, and companionship. Abusers capitalize on these needs by presenting themselves as the ideal partner before gradually shifting into abusive behaviors.

Because grooming happens over time, it can be difficult for the victim to recognize the manipulation. Each stage is a slow erosion of their boundaries and sense of self, making it hard to pinpoint exactly when the relationship turned toxic. By the time the victim realizes something is wrong, they may already be deeply entrenched in the relationship, isolated from their support systems, and unsure of their ability to leave.

Breaking Free

Grooming is a dangerous and often overlooked aspect of abusive relationships. By understanding how grooming works and recognizing the warning signs, victims can take steps to protect themselves from manipulative partners. The process may be subtle and gradual, but its effects are profound, leaving victims vulnerable to long-term control and emotional harm.

Recognizing the signs of grooming is the first step in leaving an abusive relationship. If someone suspects they are being groomed, seeking support from trusted friends, family members, a therapist, or an organization that specializes in domestic abuse can provide much-needed clarity and help to rebuild confidence. With the proper support and resources, it’s possible to escape the cycle of abuse and reclaim one’s sense of self.

Featured image: Grooming in abusive relationships starts with charm and romance. Source: Wirestock / Adobe Stock.

15 Signs of an Abusive Relationship

By
Angie Doel
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signs of an abusive relationship

Domestic abuse is a pervasive problem that can take many forms—physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, psychological, financial, and even neglect. Often, the signs of abuse aren’t obvious, and victims may not immediately realize they are in an abusive relationship. Recognizing the red flags is essential for breaking free from the cycle of abuse and reclaiming personal safety and independence. Here are 15 signs of an abusive relationship that span across different types of domestic abuse:

Verbal Abuse

Using words to degrade, humiliate, or control someone is abusive. Verbal abuse includes yelling, name-calling, insults, and constant criticism. The abuser attempts to establish dominance to make their partner feel inferior. Over time, this can lead to deep emotional trauma as the victim begins to internalize the harmful words.

Emotional Manipulation

Emotional abuse is often subtle, but it’s devastating because the abuser undermines their partner’s sense of self-worth through criticism, sarcasm, belittling, mocking, humiliation, and emotional blackmail. This form of abuse erodes the victim’s confidence over time, making them feel trapped and unworthy of love and respect.

Physical Violence

Physical abuse, the most recognizable form of abuse, involves any act that causes bodily harm or physical injury. This can include hitting, slapping, kicking, choking, or using weapons to threaten or harm. Even one incident of physical violence is a definite indication that the relationship is abusive. Physical abuse often escalates over time, ultimately putting the victim’s life at risk.

Sexual Coercion and Abuse

Sexual abuse occurs when one partner forces or manipulates the other into unwanted sexual activity. This can include rape, sexual assault, or sexual coercion—pressuring someone to perform sexual acts they are uncomfortable with. Consent is always required, and being in a relationship does not obligate someone to engage in any sexual activity. Sexual abuse can leave deep emotional scars in addition to physical harm.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a psychological abuse tactic where the abuser manipulates the victim into questioning their own reality, memory, or perceptions. This can involve outright denial of things that happened, distorting facts, or lying to make the victim feel confused or mentally unstable. The abuser uses gaslighting to control their partner by making them doubt themselves, further entrenching the cycle of abuse.

Isolation from Loved Ones

Abusers isolate their victims from their support networks by preventing them from seeing friends or family, or they might spread lies to create rifts. By isolating their partner, the abuser gains more control, leaving them feeling alone and dependent on the abuser.

Financial Control

Financial abuse involves controlling an individual’s access to money and financial resources. The abuser may prevent their partner from working, restrict access to bank accounts, or force them to justify every penny they spend. By controlling the finances, the abuser makes it difficult for their partner to leave the relationship, as they may feel they have no means of supporting themselves.

Monitoring and Stalking

Abusive partners may engage in excessive monitoring, such as checking phones, reading emails, tracking movements, or using social media to spy on their partners. Stalking behavior, like showing up uninvited to a person’s home or workplace, is a form of psychological abuse designed to instill fear and maintain control over the victim’s life.

Jealousy and Possessiveness

Abusive partners often take jealousy to an extreme. They may accuse their partner of infidelity without evidence or become irrationally angry if their partner talks to someone of the opposite sex. Jealousy is a form of control, as the abuser uses it to justify their actions and restrict their partner’s freedom.

Threats and Intimidation

Abusers use threats and intimidation to maintain control over their partners. These threats may be physical, such as threatening to harm the victim or their loved ones, or they may be emotional, like threatening to leave the victim or take away their children. The constant fear of what the abuser might do keeps the victim in a state of submission.

Neglect and Withholding

Neglect, though a less recognized form of abuse, is just as damaging. An abuser may withhold affection, support, or even basic needs like food and shelter as a form of punishment or control. Emotional withholding makes an individual feel unloved and undeserving, reinforcing the abuser’s power over them.

Blaming the Victim

An abusive partner often blames the victim for the abuse, saying things like, “You made me do this,” or “If you didn’t act this way, I wouldn’t have to hurt you.” This tactic is designed to shift responsibility away from the abuser and onto the victim, making them feel guilty or responsible for the harm they’re enduring.

Unpredictable Mood Swings

Abusers often display unpredictable and extreme mood swings, where they are loving and kind one moment, then suddenly angry and violent the next. This creates an environment of fear and confusion for the victim, as they never know which version of their partner they are going to encounter. The abuser may apologize profusely after an episode of violence, promising change, but the cycle of abuse typically continues.

Controlling Behavior

An abusive partner will often attempt to control every aspect of the victim’s life, including what they wear, where they go, how they spend their time, and who they talk to. The abuser may demand that their partner ask permission for everyday decisions. This extreme control strips the victim of their autonomy, making them feel powerless.

Sabotaging Relationships or Opportunities

An abuser may sabotage their partner’s personal or professional opportunities to keep them dependent. This could include preventing them from going to work, making them late for important meetings, or causing drama in the victim’s social circles. By keeping the victim’s world small, the abuser ensures their partner remains reliant on them.

Conclusion

Recognizing the signs of an abusive relationship is the first step in breaking the cycle of abuse. Abuse comes in many forms—physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, financial, and more—but no matter how subtle or obvious, it is always damaging. If you or someone you know is experiencing these signs of abuse, seek help. There are resources available, such as domestic violence hotlines, shelters, and counselors, that can provide the support needed to escape and rebuild a life free from abuse. No one deserves the mistreatment of an abusive relationship. Identifying the signs and reaching out for help can be the turning point in regaining control, safety, and independence.

Reference

Fairweather, L. (2012). Stop Signs: Recognizing, Avoiding, and Escaping Abusive Relationships. Seal Press.

Harper, C. (2020). Did I Miss the Signs? The Ultimate Guide to Get a Better Understanding of Emotional Abuse.

Featured image: Signs of an abusive relationship. Source:  Synthex🇺🇦 / Adobe Stock.

Breadcrumbing: A Subtle Manipulation Tactic in Abusive Relationships

By
Angie Doel
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breadcrumbing in abusive relationships

Breadcrumbing, a term commonly associated with modern dating, has a darker and more insidious presence in abusive relationships. In casual dating, breadcrumbing refers to sending flirtatious yet non-committal messages to keep someone interested. But in domestic abuse, this dangerous tactic refers to the abuser offering small, intermittent signs of affection, attention, or hope, often followed by periods of neglect or outright violence. This manipulation technique keeps the victim emotionally tethered to the abuser, creating confusion and a cycle of dependency that can be difficult to break.

Understanding Breadcrumbing in Abusive Relationships

In abusive relationships, breadcrumbing is one of the many tactics an abuser uses to control and manipulate their partner. The abuser provides the victim with small, infrequent gestures of kindness or love—these are the “breadcrumbs”—designed to keep the victim emotionally invested in the relationship. These signs of affection can be anything from a rare compliment, an apology after a fight, a lavish gift, or an unexpected moment of tenderness.

However, these positive moments are typically followed by periods of neglect, mistreatment, or outright abuse. The inconsistency is key to the effectiveness of this tactic, as it leaves the victim in a constant state of emotional turmoil. They cling to the hope that the positive moments, however rare, are a sign that things will improve and that the abuser truly loves them. This intermittent reinforcement creates an emotional bond that becomes increasingly difficult to break.

The Psychological Impact of Breadcrumbing

The effects of breadcrumbing on a victim’s mental and emotional health can be profound. The inconsistency of the abuser’s behavior causes confusion, self-doubt, and emotional dependency. Because the abuser alternates between moments of affection and periods of neglect or abuse, the victim often internalizes the negative treatment as their fault. They may believe that if they just “do better” or “be better,” the abuser will love them, and the relationship will improve.

This belief keeps the victim stuck in the cycle of abuse as they constantly chase the breadcrumbs of kindness and hope. In reality, the abuser is fully aware of the power they hold and uses these moments strategically to maintain control.

Why is Breadcrumbing So Effective?

Breadcrumbing plays on basic psychological principles. Intermittent reinforcement, the unpredictable and inconsistent delivery of rewards (in this case, affection or kindness), is a powerful motivator of human behavior. It’s the same principle used in gambling—people are more likely to continue playing a slot machine when they experience small, inconsistent wins because the unpredictability keeps them engaged. Similarly, the victim in an abusive relationship stays engaged and emotionally connected to the abuser, hoping that the positive moments will increase or become permanent.

This tactic works because it undermines the victim’s sense of reality. When the abuser is kind or affectionate, the victim may begin to question whether the abusive behavior they experience is really “that bad.” They may minimize or rationalize the abuse, holding onto the belief that things can get better. The breadcrumbs of affection reinforce this belief, making it even harder for the victim to leave the relationship.

Recognizing Breadcrumbing in a Relationship

Breadcrumbing can be subtle, so it’s essential to recognize the signs. Here are some common indicators that breadcrumbing might be happening:

  1. Inconsistent Behavior: The abuser’s behavior fluctuates between kind, loving gestures and neglect, criticism, and abuse. There is no stable, predictable pattern in how they treat their partner.
  2. False Promises: The abuser makes promises of change or improvement, only to revert to abusive behavior once they feel secure in the relationship again.
  3. Emotional Confusion: The victim is unsure whether they are in a loving relationship or an abusive one. They may cling to the good moments and overlook the bad ones.
  4. Hope as a Manipulation Tool: The abuser offers just enough hope to keep the victim from leaving. These small gestures of affection, apologies, or promises are designed to make the victim believe things will improve.
  5. Self-Blame: The victim blames themself for the abuser’s harmful behavior, thinking that if they change, the abuser will be kinder and more loving.

The Role of Trauma Bonding in Breadcrumbing

Breadcrumbing contributes to the development of a trauma bond, a strong emotional attachment that forms between the abuser and the victim. Trauma bonding occurs when the victim experiences both abuse and moments of kindness or affection from their abuser, creating an emotional dependency that makes it difficult to leave the relationship.

This bond is strengthened by the victim’s hope that the abuser will change based on the breadcrumbs of affection they receive. The abuser manipulates the victim into believing they are the only person who can truly love or care for them, which deepens the bond and traps the victim in the cycle of abuse.

Breadcrumbing in the context of domestic abuse is a subtle yet powerful form of manipulation that keeps victims emotionally tied to their abusers. Recognizing the signs of breadcrumbing and understanding the psychological impact is the first step in breaking free from this harmful dynamic. Victims can reclaim their sense of self-worth and begin healing with the proper support and resources.

References

Thomas, K., Lund, E. & Weatherly, J. (2012). Applying Operant Learning to the Stay-Leave Decision in Domestic Violence. Behavior and Social Issues 21:135-151.

Valens, C. (2021). Domestic Violence Survivor Handbook: Steps to Freedom.

Featured image: Breadcrumbing manipulation. Source: Joeahead / Adobe Stock.

How Domestic Abuse Victims Rationalize Their Abuser’s Behavior

By
Angie Doel
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Rationalizing abuse

Victims of domestic violence frequently find ways to rationalize the abuse they are enduring, sometimes as a coping mechanism, other times because they believe they are at fault. These explanations are dangerous because they can prolong the abusive relationship, preventing them from seeking help, and making it harder for others to recognize the severity of the situation.

This article explores some of the most ways domestic abuse victims rationalize abusive behavior, as well as the underlying psychological and emotional reasons supporting these justifications.

“They didn’t mean to hurt me”

Victims may believe the abuser’s actions were accidental or unintentional. This rationalization often stems from a desire to see the best in their partner and to hold onto the good memories from the relationship.

In many cases, the abuser may express regret, downplay the severity of the incident, or even convince their partner that it was a misunderstanding – allowing them to maintain hope the abuse won’t happen again despite evidence to the contrary.

“It’s my fault for provoking them”

Abusers manipulate their partners into believing they are responsible for the abuse. Victims may internalize this blame, telling themselves that if they hadn’t said or done a particular thing, the abuse wouldn’t have occurred. They might say, “If I hadn’t made them angry, they wouldn’t have hit me,” or “I just need to be better at keeping the peace.”

Rationalizations like this are particularly dangerous because they place the responsibility on the victim rather than the abuser. The victim may continually walk on eggshells, trying to avoid anything that could trigger another abusive outburst, while the abuser remains unaccountable for their actions.

“They’re just under a lot of stress”

External stressors, such as work pressures, financial problems, or family issues, are often used to justify abuse. The victim may believe the abuse is a temporary reaction to difficult circumstances, and their partner will return to being kind and loving once things settle down. The abuser may even reinforce this idea by blaming stress, using it as an excuse to shift the focus away from their abusive behavior. However, stress is not a justification for abuse, and many people experience stress without resorting to violence.

“They only act this way when they’re drinking”

Substance abuse is frequently used as an excuse for violent behavior. Victims may say, “They only hurt me when they’re drunk,” or “It’s not really them; it’s the alcohol.” This mindset separates the abuser from their actions, as if the violence is caused solely by the substance and not a reflection of their true character.

While alcohol and drugs can lower inhibitions, they do not create abusive tendencies. If someone is violent while under the influence, it means they are already predisposed to controlling or abusive behaviors. This rationalization allows the victim to believe that if the substance use stops, so will the abuse—when the problem is much deeper.

“They’ve been through a lot”

Victims may empathize with their partner’s difficult past, such as childhood trauma, difficult relationships, or mental health struggles. They might think, “They’re not bad; they’re just damaged,” or “If I can be patient and help them heal, they’ll stop hurting me.”

While it’s important to recognize that abusers may have experienced pain and hardship, those experiences do not excuse abusive behavior. Being victimized in the past does not justify victimizing others. Excusing abuse because of someone’s past traps individuals in a cycle of waiting for change that may never come.

“It’s not that bad; others have it worse”

Minimizing abuse is another common way victims cope with their situation. They might tell themselves, “It’s not as bad as other relationships,” or “At least they don’t hit me.” Comparing their experiences to more extreme cases of abuse allow the victim to downplay the severity of their own abuse. This type of thinking is dangerous because it prevents them from fully recognizing the harm being done to them. Emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse are just as damaging as physical abuse, and minimizing the impact can lead to prolonged suffering and a refusal to seek help.

“They do so much for me; I owe them”

Abusers use acts of kindness or financial support to manipulate and control their partners. The victim may feel indebted to their partner, especially if the abuser provides financially or performs other gestures that make them feel guilty for even considering leaving.

Victims might say, “They take care of me, so I can’t complain,” or “I owe them for everything they’ve done for me.” This creates a sense of obligation that traps them in the relationship, even though the “good” things the abuser does cannot justify the harm caused.

“They apologized and promised to change”

Apologies and promises of change are powerful tools in the cycle of abuse. After an abusive incident, the abuser may express deep remorse and vow never to hurt the victim again. They might say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it,” or “I’ll go to therapy and change.”

Victims often cling to these promises, hoping things will be different this time. However, without real and sustained change, the abuse is likely to continue. Empty promises keep the victim in the relationship, believing that change is around the corner, even when the cycle of abuse repeats itself.

“I can manage this!”

Some individuals convince themselves they can handle the abuse. They might say, “I’m strong enough to deal with it,” or “As long as I avoid conflict, things will be fine.” This mindset leads to long-term emotional and physical damage. Managing abuse is not the same as escaping it. Victims may underestimate the toll it takes on their mental health, self-esteem, and overall well-being, all while the abuse escalates.

“I’m doing my best to make this relationship work”

Victims may feel trapped in their circumstances and unable to leave the relationship. However, recognizing that their self-worth extends beyond their success or failure in the relationship can help empower them to seek support and leave.

Domestic abuse victims often use a variety of ways to rationalize, cope with, or explain the abuse they endure. Whether blaming themselves, excusing the behavior due to external stress, or holding on to false hopes of change, these explanations ultimately prevent the victim from breaking free.

Understanding these common rationalizations can help victims, loved ones, and professionals identify abusive situations and take steps toward safety and healing. It’s crucial for individuals to recognize that they are not responsible for the abuse and that they deserve love, respect, and safety in their relationships. No one should have to excuse abuse to rationalize staying.

Featured image: Rationalizing domestic abuse. Source: bnenin / Adobe Stock.

Economic Abuse Examples: Survivors Share Their Stories

By
Samara Knight
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economic abuse examples

Economic abuse is a deeply insidious form of control within domestic abuse, often going unnoticed but having profound consequences on the victim’s financial independence and overall well-being.

Survivors of economic abuse frequently find themselves trapped in a cycle of dependency, unable to leave due to their abuser’s grip on their finances. Economic abuse can take many forms, from restricting access to bank accounts and credit cards to forcing victims to account for every penny they spend.  

Many survivors have shared their stories on the Shadows of Control Facebook page, revealing the various ways economic abuse manifests, and how it intertwines with other forms of coercive control. These firsthand accounts offer a critical insight into the day-to-day realities of economic abuse and help others understand how control over money can devastate a person’s sense of security and freedom.

Below are 15 examples of what economic abuse looks like, told by survivors who have bravely shared their experiences.

Being Trapped by Joint Debt

“In less than a year, I went from having a $200K mortgage on my house to a combined debt of $2M. As a stay-at-home mom with no savings and no access to money, it was a hostage situation.”

Micromanaging Small Purchases

“My husband never hit me, but he controlled everything. One day, he blew up because I spent more than $2 a day on drinks for my mobile dog grooming business.”

Maxing Out Credit Cards

“He opened credit cards in my name and maxed them out. He spent my money as if it were his own. Before and after, I was an excellent saver, but he didn’t want me to be financially independent. Money is power.”

Co-Signing Debt and Evading Responsibility

“My ex itemized the bill for my emergency C-section and our son’s NICU stay. Even though the cost was zero, he left me with a lease on a three-bedroom apartment and pressured me into co-signing his car loan.”

Allowances and Scrutiny

“She controlled every penny, even giving me an allowance out of my own wages. Then, she’d go through my bank statements, highlighting what I spent the allowance on and questioning why I had to buy fuel or cigarettes.”

Financial Sabotage

“My ex canceled my bank cards so I couldn’t use them. Years later, he’s still trying to destroy my financial security by using lawyers to lie and steal from me.”

Limited Contribution

“My partner hid his money and made me pay for almost everything. His financial contribution stayed the same for 10 years, while I had to cover rising expenses.”

Controlling Joint Accounts

“I misunderstood when my ex wanted to open a joint account. I thought it was about solidarity, but it was really to drain me dry and take every spare penny I had.”

Shifting Financial Responsibility

“When there was money, he’d say, ‘It’s MY money!’ When money was tight, he’d hand me the cards and say, ‘You take care of it,’ then accuse me of spending everything.”

Control Over Employment and Spending

“My ex, a multi-millionaire, wouldn’t let me work and gave me a set amount for groceries each month. I had to ask for more if I needed it and explain why. I’d sneak money from his wallet when he was drunk.”

Clearing Bank Accounts

“My ex would take a large portion of my paycheck. When we had a child, he berated me for maternity leave and said childcare costs were my responsibility alone.”

Accumulating Debt

“He charged up $60,000 on credit cards, always making excuses and promising he wouldn’t do it again. I had to check regularly to ensure he wasn’t sinking us further into debt.”

Refusal to Budget

“He refused to acknowledge finances, leaving me to manage all the bills and household expenses. I couldn’t save a cent, and we were constantly broke.”

Skipping Meals to Feed the Family

“By the end, he was taking so much money that I had to go to the food bank. I lost 25 pounds skipping meals to stretch the groceries for my kids.”

Controlling Contributions

“My ex decided who paid for what. I paid for the condo fees and insurance, while he paid for the mortgage. Even though I made less, he constantly reminded me that I wasn’t contributing enough.”

Economic Abuse: A Hidden Form of Control

Economic abuse is often a hidden form of control, one that is easy for abusers to disguise and difficult for victims to immediately recognize. It frequently occurs alongside emotional and psychological abuse, further entrenching the victim in the abuser’s power. For many survivors, breaking free from economic abuse means not just escaping physical harm but also the crushing weight of economic hardship. Abusers know that controlling a victim’s finances is one of the most effective ways to keep them trapped.

Survivors of economic abuse frequently report long-lasting financial damage, including ruined credit, overwhelming debt, and the loss of their savings and assets. Even after leaving their abuser, many continue to struggle with the financial fallout for years. Economic abuse often forces survivors to rebuild their lives from scratch, both emotionally and economically. Understanding how economic abuse operates is crucial to supporting victims in their journey to reclaim their lives and independence.

Featured image: Economic abuse examples. Source: djile / Adobe Stock.

Gareth Jones’ Devastating Ordeal at the Hands of Sarah Rigby

By
Samara Knight
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Gareth Jones

Gareth Jones endured a harrowing ordeal of controlling and coercive behavior inflicted by his ex-girlfriend, Sarah Rigby. Over a six-month period, Jones, an NHS project manager, endured an intense and emotionally devastating pattern of abuse that left him isolated from family and friends, physically unwell, and driven to the brink of suicide.

Rigby’s Coercive Control Over Jones’ Daily Life

According to Manchester Evening News, Gareth Jones first met Sarah Rigby, a student nurse, in 2021 on the Plenty of Fish dating website. Their relationship quickly deteriorated as Ms Rigby began exerting coercive control over every aspect of his life.

One of the most alarming aspects of the abuse was her control over his physical appearance and diet. She forced Mr Jones to lose weight, restricting him to salads and berating him if he ate anything more substantial.

Rigby insulted his appearance, calling him names like “fat” and “sweaty,” and even went as far as making him swallow toothpaste and drink mouthwash if she detected any food odors she didn’t like. Despite losing a significant amount of weight, Jones continued to face verbal abuse about his appearance.

Financial and Social Isolation

Rigby also exerted financial control over Jones, forcing him to hand over his wages and demanding he pay for a £3,000 expert report during her custody battle with her ex-partner. She claimed that he was legally obliged to support her financially, and she even denied him access to basic facilities in the house, such as the toilet and shower. Jones had to relieve himself at public places like libraries or pubs, further dehumanizing him.

His phone and email were under constant surveillance, with Rigby checking his messages and social media accounts, leaving Jones with little to no privacy. In addition to being isolated from his family and friends, he was forced to create a code word with his mother, allowing him to communicate only when it was safe.

The Physical and Emotional Toll

The extent of Rigby’s coercive control reached its peak when she would frisk Jones before he left the house, ensuring he wasn’t taking anything she hadn’t approved.

She would frequently throw him out of the house, once even forcing him into the street dressed only in his underwear. During these instances, he would have to wait until she allowed him back inside, often spending his workdays in public spaces like the library or a café.

Rigby also withheld his personal belongings, including sentimental items, and once made him buy her a £400 Marc Jacobs bag during a shopping trip.

The emotional toll on Jones was devastating. In an interview on This Morning, he described how the constant belittlement and control led him to feel degraded, worthless, and ashamed. He developed paranoia about his personal hygiene, fearing that any trace of food or odor would result in further abuse.

He became emotionally scarred, losing all self-esteem, and even began carrying a “grab bag” of essential items like a toothbrush and towel, in case he was abruptly thrown out again.

Abuse Escalation

Jones’ coercive and controlling behavior escalated when Rigby physically assaulted him, clawing at his face and forcing him to sleep on the floor as punishment. On another occasion, she falsely accused him of breaking her ribs, demanding compensation from him despite medical evidence showing no injuries. Rigby manipulated Jones by sending him numerous abusive messages, and when he apologized, she would threaten to report him to the police, using his apology as false evidence.

One of the most significant impacts of the abuse was the severe isolation Jones experienced. He could no longer have unsupervised phone conversations, and all his communications with his family were monitored. Rigby would control what he could say to his loved ones, adding to his sense of entrapment. He feared that any attempt to leave her would result in her destroying his belongings or falsely accusing him of assault, which she had done with previous partners.

After finally fleeing the property, Jones was left with no possessions and had to start his life over from scratch. Financially drained and emotionally broken, he described the experience as demoralizing and left him feeling a deep sense of emptiness.

Aftermath and Recovery

The aftermath of the abuse continues to affect Jones. He remains deeply fearful of being in another relationship, terrified that he will be subjected to coercive control again. The emotional scars from the abuse have left him unable to trust others fully, and he experiences anxiety when he sees someone who resembles Rigby in public. Speaking out about his experience as a male victim of domestic abuse, he highlighted the stigma that men face when it comes to recognizing and addressing abuse. Jones bravely shared his story despite the emotional distress it caused, in hopes of raising awareness that men too can be victims of coercive control.

Sarah Rigby was eventually brought to justice after Jones reported her behavior to the police in March 2022. She pleaded guilty to controlling and coercive behavior and received a suspended prison sentence. Despite the court’s acknowledgment of the significant emotional and psychological damage she inflicted on Jones, Rigby showed little remorse during the trial, flaunting luxury items that Jones had been coerced into buying for her. The judge recognized the serious impact of Rigby’s coercive control, stating that her actions had caused substantial harm to Jones’ mental and emotional well-being.

The case highlights the devastating effects of coercive control, an insidious form of domestic abuse that seeks to manipulate and dominate every aspect of the victim’s life. Jones’ courage in speaking out serves as a reminder that men can also be victims of this type of abuse, and it underscores the importance of recognizing and addressing controlling behavior in all its forms.

Featured image: Gareth Jones. Source: Cavendish Press (Manchester)

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