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Why it May Take Years to Recognize Abuse in Relationships

By
Samara Knight
-
recognizing abuse takes time

Abuse in relationships doesn’t always come with clear warnings or obvious red flags. For many survivors, it takes years—even decades—to understand that their partner’s behavior was abusive. The journey to this realization is complex due to manipulation, conditioning, and internalized blame. Here, we explore why victims often take so long to recognize abuse in relationships, drawing on the experiences and powerful words of survivors.

Abuse Often Starts Subtly

Abuse rarely begins with overt violence or aggression. It often starts as subtle control, manipulation, or criticism, making it difficult to recognize. One survivor shared, “It’s so slow and subtle, especially at first. You don’t even realize it’s happening. Eventually, I WAS afraid of him, but he didn’t get physical until after years of this type of psychological abuse.” Another added, “It is an incredibly slow, incremental conditioning & brainwashing, implemented in such a way that you often don’t realize that it is even happening until you are so far into the relationship that you struggle to see a viable way out anymore.”

This gradual escalation conditions victims to accept increasingly harmful behavior. By the time the abuse becomes undeniable, they are often deeply entrenched in the relationship.

Manipulation Creates Confusion

Manipulation and gaslighting are key tools abusers use to maintain control. These tactics distort the victim’s sense of reality, leaving them questioning their perceptions and feelings. One survivor reflected, “It took years even though he’d physically attacked me loads of times before… He’d always have some excuse or blamed me for making him do it.” Another woman said, “I knew something wasn’t right but it was very confusing to begin with. Once it escalated to physical abuse I knew I wasn’t crazy and stopped doubting myself.”

Gaslighting is so effective that victims may feel they are imagining the abuse or that it’s their fault. As one survivor shared, “I kept thinking, ‘If I just did better or acted differently, it would change,’ until I realized this year it’s never going to change.”

Social and Cultural Conditioning

Societal norms often discourage individuals from recognizing or naming abuse. Many victims internalize messages that excuse abusive behavior as normal relationship struggles. One survivor admitted, “I kept thinking, ‘This is the hard work of marriage,’ without realizing it was simply abuse.”

For others, the absence of physical violence made it harder to identify their experiences as abusive. “I thought I hadn’t been in a DV situation because he never hit me. Ten years later, I realized verbal, financial, and emotional abuse are also forms of domestic violence.”

Isolation and Lack of External Validation

Abusers frequently isolate their victims, cutting them off from friends and family who might offer perspective. Without external validation, victims often downplay or rationalize the abuse. One woman recalled, “I didn’t realize the relationship was crossing into abusive territory until I told a close friend. She saw obvious red flags I hadn’t noticed. At first, I didn’t want to believe it, but she was completely right.” Another described, “I was explaining my concerns to a friend and she looked at me and said “this isn’t just unhealthy…that is full blown abuse.” I was shocked and then I started connecting dots.”

Another survivor shared, “I feel like I’m crazy sometimes because of how others perceive him. I just want one person to tell me they saw that dark side so I know I’m not delusional.”

Fear and Survival Instincts Delay Action

Even when survivors recognize abuse, fear often prevents them from leaving. Abusers instill a sense of helplessness, making victims feel trapped. One individual recounted, “Unluckily for me I couldn’t accept the truth so it took me over 10 years to finally pluck my courage and move away. I had to receive a punch in my face and after a threat with a firearm. Only then I made my move. Some people criticize me and tell me that I endured too much and I should have left earlier but I didn’t have the courage. I felt trapped, helpless and I didn’t see any solution.”

Another survivor described the physical impact of fear: “When my hands shook every time his number popped up on my phone, I knew something was deeply wrong.”

Moments That Shatter Illusions

Sometimes, a single event or interaction can serve as a wake-up call. One survivor described the moment she realized her husband would never change: “A very old lady told me about her kind husband who would help her with her adult diapers. I cried because I knew my husband would never be that kind, and I never wanted to depend on him when I’m 85.”

One male survivor shared, “This single instant in time, a truly “aha” moment, came when she lied straight to my face about something that I knew was true. And she did it instantly, without a second thought or emotion. Like it was nothing, like she did it every day. Our marriage was an illusion.”

Another survivor said, “My “aha” moment happened midway through a 30-minute-long rant over a $5 remote. He was screaming insults so close to me and with such force that little drops of spit were landing on my face. It finally clicked. Something isn’t right.”

Recognizing Abuse Often Comes Slowly or in Stages

For many survivors, the realization that they are being abused doesn’t come all at once. Instead, it unfolds over time as they piece together patterns of behavior. “Over 20 years of confusion! After the final brutal discard, I learned the language of abuse. It took me 8.5 years to call it what it was, and another two years to leave,” one woman shared. Another said, “For 30 years I kept thinking if I just did better or acted differently or something that it would change, until I realized this year it’s never going to change and I had to move on for my own well-being.”

Moments of clarity often come through external validation, therapy, or unexpected incidents. “When I learned the meaning of ‘trauma bond,’ all the pieces fell into place.” One woman shared how she discovered she was experiencing abuse after using an app on her phone, “When I was using the artificial intelligence app and explaining my relationship it pointed out it was coercive control – something I knew nothing about. Since then, I’ve looked into it and was sickened to my stomach to see that the AI app was right!”

Leaving an abusive relationship is just the first step in a long journey of healing. Survivors often spend years processing the trauma and unlearning harmful patterns. One woman shared, “It’s been two years of therapy, and I’m still uncovering coercive and abusive behaviors I didn’t recognize at the time. Breaking cycles is a long, painful process.”

The Importance of Support and Awareness

Survivors emphasize the need for awareness and validation to help others recognize abuse sooner. One survivor shared, “I didn’t know what I was experiencing was abuse until a friend looked me in the eye and said, ‘This isn’t just unhealthy; it’s abuse.’ Her words planted a seed that eventually grew into the courage to leave.”

One survivor pointed out: “Abuse doesn’t just harm the victim; it shapes the world our children grow up in. Recognizing it is the first step to breaking the cycle—for ourselves and future generations.”

Breaking the Silence

Recognizing abuse is a complex, deeply personal process that often takes years. Survivors grapple with manipulation, fear, and societal conditioning, making the journey to clarity painful and slow. Yet, every step toward awareness and every moment of validation can build the strength needed to break free.

Leaving an abusive relationship is not the end of the story—it’s the beginning of a journey toward healing and reclaiming autonomy. Support networks, education, and awareness campaigns play a critical role in helping survivors find their voice and build a life free from control and fear.

Top Image: It may take survivors years to recognize the abuse they endured in their relationships. Source: didesign / Adobe Stock

Survivors Share Why It Is So Hard to Leave an Abusive Relationship

By
Samara Knight
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hard to leave an abusive relationship

“Why didn’t you just leave?” is a question often directed at survivors of domestic abuse. While this question may seem simple on the surface, it reflects a lack of understanding about the complex dynamics of abusive relationships. Leaving an abusive partner is rarely straightforward. Abusers deploy a range of manipulative tactics—threats, intimidation, financial control, isolation, and emotional blackmail—to keep their victims trapped.

In this article, survivors share their stories to shed light on the barriers they faced when trying to leave. Their experiences illustrate how abuse is designed to trap victims, often leaving them without resources, options, or hope. Instead of asking survivors why they didn’t leave, perhaps we should focus on understanding how abusers make leaving so difficult.

The Weight of Threats and Intimidation

For many victims, the threat of violence or harm creates a paralyzing fear that keeps them in the relationship. One survivor recalls: “A few months into dating him, I felt like I needed space to think. When I broached the topic, he grabbed me, shook me, and yelled, ‘I am not gonna let you break up with me!’ I was 20, alone in a new city, and knew he’d retaliate if I left. Years later, when I finally found the courage to leave, he harassed and threatened me for years. Authorities couldn’t do much, and all I could do was endure.”

Abusers often escalate their threats when they sense their control slipping. Another survivor recounts how their abuser threatened their family: “At first, he played my heartstrings, saying no one loved him and sharing his childhood trauma. But when that stopped working, he threatened to kill my parents. That was the key to my cage. I stayed because I couldn’t risk their lives.”

These threats, whether explicit or implied, create an environment where the victim feels that leaving is not just difficult—it’s dangerous.

Isolation as a Weapon

Isolation is one of the strongest tools in an abuser’s arsenal. By cutting off their partner from friends, family, and resources, they ensure they have nowhere to turn. One survivor shared: “He slowly cut me off from everything except work. We only had one car, so I was isolated at home. He monitored my every move, and sleep deprivation made it impossible to think clearly.”

Another survivor was physically locked away: “He locked me in our bedroom for two weeks, cut my wifi and phone, and prevented me from going anywhere—even church. I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone, not even my own children. I eventually escaped by admitting myself to a psychiatric clinic, but I had nothing. He’s still making the divorce difficult.”

Isolation isn’t just about physical separation; it’s about removing any sense of support or independence, making the victim feel entirely reliant on the abuser.

Manipulation of Children

Abusers often weaponize children to maintain control over their victims. One survivor shared:
“My ex managed to get our son to make false allegations about my current husband and me. He destroyed my relationship with my son and tried to ruin my career by filing false claims against me.”

Another survivor highlighted the emotional blackmail involved: “When I tried to leave, he told me he’d take the kids and disappear, and I’d never see them again. He reminded me daily that he controlled the house and all the money. He even threatened to report me to social services, claiming I was an unfit mother, just to scare me into staying. I felt like I had no choice but to stay and endure it.”

A third survivor explained the paralyzing fear of leaving due to custody concerns: “I was terrified to leave because I knew the courts would likely grant him shared custody, and that would mean my kids would be alone with him. He’s violent and unpredictable, and without me there to protect them, I didn’t know what might happen. Staying felt like the only way to keep them safe.”

By involving children, abusers create a moral and emotional dilemma for the victim, who may feel they are sacrificing their child’s well-being by leaving.

Financial Control and Dependence

Financial abuse is another common tactic abusers use to trap their partners. Survivors often lack the financial resources to leave, especially when they’ve been denied access to money or employment. One survivor explained: “I’ve been trying to break free for ten years, but lack of money and poor health make it so hard. He controlled all our finances, and I had no savings to fall back on.”

Another survivor shared how financial dependence was reinforced: “He spent all our money, so I couldn’t afford to leave and still pay for daycare. He pressured me to have a baby and then threatened to kidnap the child overseas if I left. I had no financial means to escape.”

This financial control ensures that victims remain dependent, making the prospect of leaving seem impossible.

The Psychological Trap of Manipulation

Abusers don’t just control their partners physically or financially—they manipulate them emotionally, creating a psychological trap as well. Survivors often describe the abuser’s ‘hold/cold’ personality, which makes it difficult to recognize the relationship as abusive. One survivor explained: “A major reason is the dual personality of the abuser. They trap you with a false virtuous persona but blame you when they reveal their inner demon. Victims leave when they realize they fell in love with a fake personality.”

Another survivor described the psychological toll: “Abusers carefully abuse. It’s never just random—it’s designed to mess with your thinking, emotions, and brain chemicals. Dealing with so much at once is why it takes so many tries to leave. You need to overcome each obstacle, and you rarely can do it all at once.”

This manipulation often leads to a trauma bond, where the victim feels inexplicably tied to their abuser despite the harm they endure.

The System’s Failures

Even when survivors muster the courage to leave, systemic failures can make it nearly impossible. One survivor shared: “Illegal sextortion and smear campaigns were ignored by law enforcement, even though I had plenty of evidence.”

Another survivor described the lack of support: “I finally left after years of abuse, but he continued to harass and threaten me. The authorities could do little more than file paperwork, which only made him feel accomplished.”

These stories highlight how societal systems often fail to protect survivors, leaving them vulnerable even after they leave.

The Long Road to Freedom

Leaving an abuser is rarely the end of the journey. Survivors often face years of rebuilding their lives while dealing with the trauma they’ve endured. One survivor powerfully described the fear and uncertainty of leaving: “Leaving an abuser is like standing on a cliff with a fire at your back. You look down, and it’s so high. There are jagged rocks and sharks in the water. You don’t want to jump, but the fire is so hot. Eventually, you have to, and hope you survive the fall. I survived, but it hurt.”

Another survivor shared their determination to rebuild: “I’ve attended courses and started a small business since leaving. Never again in my life will I be treated as if I am nothing. I have so much to give.”

Shifting the Narrative

Society often asks survivors, “Why didn’t you leave?” when the real question should be, “How did the abuser prevent you from leaving?” By shifting the focus to the abuser’s actions, we can better understand the barriers survivors face and provide the support they need to escape.

The stories shared here highlight the complexity of abusive relationships and the immense courage it takes to leave. Survivors don’t stay because they want to—they stay because abuse is designed to trap them. Understanding this is the first step toward breaking the cycle of abuse.

Featured Image: Instead of questioning survivors why it’s hard to leave abusive relationships, perhaps we should ask how abusers prevent them from leaving. Source: INDÍGENA / Adobe Stock

DARVO Explained: How Abusers Deny, Attack, and Play the Victim

By
Angie Doel
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DARVO

In abusive relationships, a tactic known as DARVO is often used to manipulate, disorient, coerce, and silence victims. DARVO is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender, a psychological manipulation strategy frequently used by abusers to deflect responsibility, paint themselves as the victim, and confuse or intimidate the actual victim. DARVO is a powerful tool in coercive control, a dangerous behavior pattern used by abusers to maintain dominance and subjugation of their victim.

This article explores DARVO, why abusers use it, and how it functions within the broader context of coercive control in relationships.

Understanding DARVO

DARVO was first coined by Dr. Jennifer Freyd, a psychologist who studied betrayal trauma. The concept is simple, yet effective in confusing and overpowering a victim. Here’s how it works:

  1. Deny: The abuser denies the abusive behavior through lying, minimizing, or outright dismissing the victim’s accusations. This tactic aims to make the victim question their perception of reality or to create doubt in the mind of a third party about the victim’s credibility.
  2. Attack: Once denial has destabilized the individual, the abuser attacks them personally, often with accusations or insults that deflect attention from the abusive behavior. The victim may be accused of lying, overreacting, or being responsible for relationship problems.
  3. Reverse Victim and Offender: The final step is perhaps the most manipulative. The abuser positions themselves as the victim and the true victim as the perpetrator. By playing the victim, the abuser seeks to evoke sympathy, manipulating others and even the victim into believing their version of events.

DARVO is a form of gaslighting, another manipulative technique in which the abuser distorts reality to undermine a person’s trust in their own perceptions. When DARVO is employed effectively, it leaves victims feeling guilty, isolated, and uncertain, making it easier for abusers to continue their coercive control.

How DARVO Relates to Coercive Control

Coercive control occurs when the abuser employs a pattern of manipulative behaviors to exert dominance over their partner. Unlike physical abuse, coercive control is subtle, often involving emotional manipulation, isolation, financial restrictions, and psychological tactics designed to limit the victim’s autonomy and reinforce the abuser’s power.

DARVO fits seamlessly into coercive control because it discredits the victim and creates an atmosphere of confusion and dependence. By denying any wrongdoing, attacking the victim’s character, and reversing the roles of victim and offender, the abuser deflects accountability and creates a reality where they maintain control. Here’s why DARVO is so effective in coercive control:

  • Destabilizing the Victim: Coercive control thrives on the victim’s sense of doubt and instability. By using DARVO, the abuser keeps them in a constant state of emotional upheaval, questioning their own perceptions and feelings. When the individual is uncertain, it’s easier for the abuser to influence their thoughts and actions.
  • Silencing the Victim: DARVO is an effective way to discourage victims from speaking out. If the abuser consistently denies the abuse and retaliates by reversing roles, their partner may start to feel that seeking help or confiding in others is futile. The fear of not being believed or of being blamed for the abuse can paralyze victims, reinforcing the abuser’s control over their lives.
  • Manipulating External Perceptions: Coercive control doesn’t only affect the dynamics between the abuser and the victim; it also influences how others perceive the relationship. DARVO enables the abuser to manipulate friends, family, and authority figures by portraying themselves as the true victim. This isolates the victim, leaving them with little support and often no one to turn to.

By integrating DARVO into their coercive control strategy, abusers can hide their behavior in plain sight. Friends and family may sympathize with the abuser, allowing them to keep their abusive behavior hidden and further gaslighting the victim.

DARVO in Action

DARVO can take many forms, from outright denials of physical or emotional abuse to subtle attacks that frame the victim as irrational or unstable. This tactic often appears in high-stakes scenarios such as child custody battles and domestic abuse cases in court. In these situations, the abuser uses DARVO to craft a narrative that portrays themselves as the victim while painting the true victim as the aggressor.

This reversal tactic can be highly effective in controlling the perceptions of judges, lawyers, police, social services, and other involved parties. When DARVO is employed in these contexts, it frequently escalates to a smear campaign, where the abuser extends their control over the narrative by discrediting the victim to friends, family, colleagues, and legal authorities.

The implications of DARVO are devastating. Abusers have, at times, successfully gained custody of children, leaving victims not only without support but under suspicion and scrutiny. In extreme cases, victims have been wrongly accused, even jailed, while their abusers evade accountability.

This manipulation also contributes to the isolation, job loss, and the severing of support networks for victims, all of which reinforce abusers’ power and control. Recognizing DARVO’s role in these situations is crucial for safeguarding victims and ensuring fair treatment in the legal system.

The Psychological Impact of DARVO on Victims

By being repeatedly subjected to denial, attack, and role reversal, victims may internalize the abuser’s accusations, feeling guilty or to blame for relationship problems. This can lead to a diminished sense of self-worth, heightened anxiety, depression, and a loss of trust in their own judgment.

DARVO often creates a deep sense of isolation. Victims may feel misunderstood by those around them, especially if loved ones believe the abuser’s portrayal of events. Isolation reinforces the abuser’s coercive control, as the victim feels they have nowhere to turn. Over time, DARVO conditions victims to tolerate ongoing abuse, doubting their own reality and becoming increasingly dependent on the abuser for validation.

Recognizing and Countering DARVO

If you question your experiences or feel guilty when voicing concerns about abusive behavior, consider whether DARVO tactics are being used against you. Signs include:

  • Repeated denial of your experiences even when you have clear evidence.
  • Feeling attacked or belittled every time you bring up an issue.
  • Being blamed for causing problems that you didn’t initiate.
  • Being labelled as crazy or mentally ill.

Seeking external validation from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist can be invaluable in recognizing DARVO and resisting its influence.

Document interactions with the abuser to help ground yourself in reality when the manipulation begins to distort your perception. It is also important to have evidence to support your position if the abuser turns their accusations onto you.

As society continues to evolve in understanding and addressing psychological abuse, raising awareness around DARVO is essential to dismantling its power and offering hope and justice for those affected.

References

Freyd, J. J. (1997). “Violations of Power, Adaptive Blindness, and Betrayal Trauma Theory.” Feminism & Psychology, 7(1), 22–32.

Harsey, S., Zurbriggen, E. L., & Freyd, J. J. (2017). “Perpetrator Responses to Victim Confrontation: DARVO and Victim Self-Blame.” Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 26(6), 644–663.

Featured Image: DARVO is often used to manipulate, disorient, coerce, and silence victims in abusive relationships. Source: Generated with Adobe Firefly.

Sabotaging Success: The Impact of Coercive Control on Careers and Education

By
Samara Knight
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abuse and career sabotage

In many abusive relationships involving coercive control, the abuser’s need for control extends far beyond the home and into their partner’s career and educational aspirations. By sabotaging their partner’s work, career, and education, abusers effectively trap them in financial dependence, social isolation, and emotional turmoil. These tactics aren’t always overt; they often involve subtle manipulation, relentless criticism, and emotional sabotage.

Abusers sabotage their partner’s careers and educational growth for several reasons, including jealousy, insecurity, fear of empowerment, and the desire to keep their partner dependent. Through real survivor quotes, we explore how abusers systematically block their victims’ potential, often with lasting effects on their confidence, finances, and independence.

Creating Chaos Around Work and Important Events

One of the common tactics controlling abusers use to sabotage their partner’s career is creating disruptions or crises around crucial work events. By manufacturing stress and distraction, they make it nearly impossible for the individual to perform at their best.

One survivor shared, “He would make sure ‘something’ happened the day before major work events.” Another added, “When I was allowed to do an approved project, he tried to come along and when he couldn’t, he would manufacture a child care emergency before I started the presentation or event. Every time without fail.”

Another survivor described how her abuser would turn up unannounced at her office, disrupting her work environment and creating uncomfortable situations with clients: “He would drive to my office, barge in past my closed door to see who I was meeting with.” This kind of interference leaves victims physically exhausted and mentally strained, unable to fully engage with their career responsibilities.

In one horrifying example, a female abuser threatened to terminate her pregnancy if her partner went to a work event: “I was invited to give a speech at an international conference where I had to be away for two nights. She said if I accepted, then I clearly didn’t love her, and she would abort our baby.”

Abusers Sabotaging Careers and Educational Advancement

Abusers may encourage their partners to pursue education or professional training, only to undermine their progress once they begin to excel. For example, one survivor recalled, “He encouraged me to study but as soon as I started doing better than him or doing well with marks he would bully, manipulate, coerce, shame, or say bad things about the degree to get me to stop. It was relentless. He used my social anxiety against me.” This type of sabotage is designed to keep the person from gaining confidence or succeeding, ensuring that they remain under the abuser’s control.

Another survivor shared a similar experience, where her abuser manipulated her into giving up her dreams of becoming a physician: “Mine made the survival of our relationship contingent on me becoming a physician. I spent my money on a post-bacc pre-med program and did great. I went through all the steps to apply and then he sabotaged that. He then said I needed to stop pursuing med school.” By pulling his support at a crucial moment, he forced her to abandon a lifelong ambition, reinforcing her dependence on him.

Undermining Professional Relationships and Reputation

In some cases, abusers go so far as to damage their partner’s professional relationships or reputation directly. One survivor shared her daughter’s experience: “My daughter’s ex wrote an anonymous letter to her new employer (before her career as a teacher started). You can imagine what that letter contained. Thankfully she had warned them something like this might happen & it was forwarded to the police who did nothing!” By attempting to tarnish her reputation before she even started, the abuser aimed to sabotage her career from the outset, preventing her from establishing herself independently.

Another survivor recounted a similar experience with her abuser’s attempts to control her workplace interactions: “My ex would frequently turn up at the store where I worked and wander around pretending to be a customer but all the time watching me. I would get a hard time if I spent too long helping a male customer or was ‘over-friendly’ to a male coworker.” This constant surveillance and accusations of infidelity created a hostile work environment, making it difficult for her to perform her duties comfortably.

Imposing Financial Control and Dependency

Financial control is a hallmark of abusive relationships, and one way abusers achieve this is by obstructing their partner’s ability to earn independently. One survivor explained, “We agreed I would stay home and raise the kids. Now he tells everyone, including the kids, that I refused to work and was lazy and did nothing. I didn’t sit down from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed!” By framing her as lazy and unwilling to work, her abuser effectively isolated her financially and socially, ensuring that she had no means of escaping the relationship.

Another survivor shared how her abuser’s control extended even to her earnings: “He stopped me working, he took the money when I did anything that he gave permission for and controlled it. He still tries to tie me up in court proceedings so it affects my mental health and takes up my time so I can’t work as self-employed.”

Preventing Stability and Growth by Constant Relocation

Abusers may also prevent their partner from building a stable career by frequently relocating, often under the pretext of supporting the abuser’s own career. One survivor explained, “During the 10 years we moved cities and countries to support his career as a doctor, but never once was my career supported.” By keeping her in a state of flux, her abuser effectively prevented her from establishing a stable career, leaving her financially and emotionally dependent on him.

Another survivor recalled, “He said I needed to stay home with the kids. We moved constantly and I was unable to maintain work networks. After I left, I was penniless, with 2 kids and I had to start from scratch in my mid-40s during a pandemic and a cost-of-living crisis.” This intentional instability ensures that the victim cannot build a support network or career of their own, trapping them in the abuser’s control.

Criticizing and Belittling Career Choices

Abusers often demean their partner’s career aspirations to lower their self-esteem and confidence. One survivor shared, “When I quit my part-time job to become a full-time artist and do outdoor art show events, my ex called a ‘family meeting’ where his entire family ridiculed and harassed me for ruining their son’s life, only thinking of myself, and doing something so foolish as throwing away a decent career in a dead-end part-time job to follow some ‘hairbrained scheme’ (to which I excelled at by the way).” This kind of belittling reinforces the abuser’s control by making the victim doubt their own abilities and choices.

Another survivor who was a lawyer at the same firm as her abuser said, “I was a lawyer at the same firm as him. He punished me at home for success at work. I moved firms, got pregnant, and he refused to allow a maternity leave. He would not help or allow support. I lost my job. I never went back and was fully dependent. The abuse got worse.” By punishing her success and denying her any support, he effectively pushed her out of her career and further isolated her.

Why Abusers Obstruct Their Partner’s Success

Abusers obstruct their partner’s career, education, and independence to maintain control, create dependency, and prevent empowerment. There are several motivations behind these actions:

  • Dependence: Abusers want their partners to rely on them for financial and emotional support, making it difficult for them to leave.
  • Control: Success in a career or education brings autonomy and empowerment, which threatens the abuser’s control.
  • Isolation: By limiting their partner’s work and educational opportunities, abusers cut off access to social networks and resources that might otherwise support their independence.
  • Jealousy and Insecurity: Many abusers feel threatened by their partner’s success. For example, one abuser reportedly said, “I feel that you’re going into your office because you’re trying to compete with me.” This jealousy drives abusers to sabotage their partner’s growth.
  • Preventing Confidence: Abusers fear that if their victim gains confidence or financial independence, they might realize their own worth and ultimately leave the relationship.
  • Entitlement: Abusers often hold an unyielding sense of entitlement, believing that their partner’s time and focus should be devoted exclusively to them.

The obstruction of work, career, and educational opportunities is a powerful and often-overlooked form of economic abuse. By preventing their partners from achieving financial independence, building self-confidence, and forming supportive relationships, abusers ensure that their control remains unchallenged.

The survivor quotes shared in this article illustrate just how insidious and damaging these behaviors can be, affecting every aspect of a victim’s life.

Featured Image: Abusive partners often try to control or sabotage their victims’ careers and educational goals. Source: Prostock-studio/ Adobe Stock

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.  

Sheila’s Escape from Coercive Control (Video)

By
shadowsofcontrol
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Sheila's story of coercive control

When Sheila first met Michael, she was swept away in a whirlwind romance – he gave her flowers, made grand gestures, and brought a sense of excitement into her life. But behind his charm, a more sinister side soon appeared. Michael’s affection turned possessive—criticizing her interactions with others, dictating who she could speak to, and demanding complete control over her actions.

The love he claimed to have quickly turned violent, marked by shocking incidents like him grabbing her throat, biting her nose, and slapping and punching her. He enforced dependency, even down to feeding rituals which she found demeaning.

As his behavior escalated, so did the danger. Michael was threatening her safety, both verbally and physically, leaving Sheila trapped in a cycle of love and fear. He was wonderful sometimes, but he was also manipulating those around her and cutting her off from the outside world, until he had nearly erased her sense of self. Sheila’s life became a relentless struggle to reclaim her own mind and identity, something he was determined to possess fully.

Sheila realized she had to find the courage to escape. After reporting Michael to the police, she found refuge and witnessed him face legal consequences for coercive control. Despite his guilty plea and sentencing, Sheila carries the trauma of his control and manipulation.

But she also has the hard-won strength that allowed her to rebuild her life and send a message to others in similar situations. She recognizes that leaving could demand every ounce of courage, but she wants you to seek help, whether it’s going to friends, family, or the police. She says it is the only way to regain your life.

Featured image: Sheila telling her story of surviving coercive control. Source: YouTube Screenshot / MerseysidePolice

Unique Challenges Faced by Male Victims of Coercive Control

By
Angie Doel
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male victims of coercive control

While most research focuses on women as the victims of coercive control, men can also fall victim to these tactics. However, male victims often face unique barriers when seeking help or reporting abuse – from societal stigma to limited access to support services. Understanding these challenges is essential for building a more inclusive approach to recognizing and addressing all forms of domestic abuse.

Societal Beliefs and Gender Stereotypes

A significant obstacle for male victims of coercive control is societal beliefs about masculinity and gender roles. Many societies hold traditional views that portray men as strong, stoic, and self-reliant, making it difficult for men to acknowledge or admit to being controlled and abused.

Asking for help may feel like an admission of weakness, leading to feelings of shame or embarrassment. Male victims often feel that they should be able to “handle” their partner’s behavior or dismiss it, reinforcing a harmful stereotype that abuse only happens to women or weak people.

Men are sometimes not believed or taken seriously when they report being victims of coercive control. The fact that men are more likely to be perpetrators than victims can lead to skepticism or even ridicule when they are the ones experiencing abuse. Gender bias in how society perceives abuse contributes to an environment where male victims may feel isolated, doubting whether their experiences are valid or worthy of concern.

Shame and Embarrassment

Shame and embarrassment are major barriers for male victims of coercive control. Coercive control undermines a victim’s self-worth and sense of autonomy, and for many men, the added layer of feeling humiliated and emasculated makes it even harder to seek help. They might think that admitting to being controlled by their partner reflects poorly on their masculinity, creating internal conflict that leaves them feeling trapped and helpless.

Societal expectations compound the shame and stigma surrounding male victimhood. Men may fear judgment from friends, family, and colleagues, especially if they are part of communities that reinforce traditional gender roles. This shame can lead to self-blame and rationalization in which the victim downplays or dismisses their partner’s behavior to avoid the painful reality of their situation.

Limited Awareness and Education

Public awareness campaigns and education about coercive control have largely focused on female victims, leading to a lack of awareness that men can also be victims. Some men might not even realize they are experiencing coercive control, especially if their partner’s behavior does not fit stereotypical images of abuse. Emotional manipulation, financial control, isolation from family and friends, and gaslighting are some of the less obvious tactics that make it difficult for male victims to identify their experiences as abusive.

There is also limited educational material for male victims. Without clear information or resources that speak directly to their experiences, men may struggle to understand what’s happening to them and why it’s wrong. Lack of knowledge prevents them from recognizing their options and taking steps toward seeking help.

Fewer Support Services for Male Victims of Coercive Control

Support services for victims of coercive control and domestic abuse are often tailored to female victims. Shelters, support groups, and helplines are typically focused on women or are exclusive to women, creating an unintentional but significant barrier for men. When men seek support, they may encounter a lack of services designed for their needs or may feel uncomfortable accessing services they associate with women.

Additionally, some men who reach out for help report feeling alienated in spaces that focus on women’s experiences. They may worry that sharing their stories will be met with disbelief or skepticism, further discouraging them from seeking help. The absence of inclusive services and support networks contributes to the isolation and helplessness that male victims of coercive control experience.

Barriers to Reporting

Coercive control does not always involve physical violence, which also makes it more challenging to provide concrete evidence. Since coercive control is a pattern of behavior rather than a single, easily identifiable incident, male victims may struggle to explain their experiences in a way that resonates with law enforcement or the courts. In some cases, they may fear losing custody of their children, damaging their reputation, or facing other negative consequences if they report the abuse.

The Impact of Isolation

Coercive control frequently involves isolating the victim from family, friends, and other support networks. For men, isolation can be particularly damaging, as they are already less likely than women to have social networks they feel comfortable confiding in about personal struggles. As a result, they may feel entirely alone, with no one to validate their experiences or offer guidance.

Men may want to “put on a brave face” and act like everything is fine. This facade makes it difficult for loved ones to recognize that something is wrong and further limits the victim’s access to emotional support. The combination of isolation and social stigma reinforces the perception that help is out of reach, leading the individual to feel powerless to change their circumstances.

Internalizing Abuse

Due to a lack of societal recognition of male victimhood, some men internalize their experiences, believing that they are simply part of a normal relationship. They may rationalize their partner’s controlling behavior as an acceptable or expected aspect of their role. Over time, distorted beliefs create a sense of learned helplessness, where the victim feels there’s no way to escape their situation.

When male victims internalize abuse, they are more likely to stay in toxic relationships, convinced that things will improve or that they are responsible for their partner’s behavior. But control is abusive, regardless of gender.

Gender-Inclusive Support is Important

Male victims of coercive control face a complex set of challenges, from societal stigma to a lack of dedicated resources. Addressing these issues requires a more inclusive approach to domestic abuse awareness and support services. Awareness campaigns should include messaging that validates and normalizes male victimhood, breaking down gender stereotypes and encouraging men to seek help without shame.

Mental health professionals, law enforcement, and support organizations need training to recognize the unique barriers male victims face and to offer appropriate, empathetic support. Expanding support services to be more gender-inclusive, with dedicated resources for male victims of coercive control, is essential for creating an environment where everyone can find the help they need.

References

Hines, D. A., & Douglas, E. M. (2010). A Closer Look at Men Who Sustain Intimate Terrorism by Women: Examining Legal Issues, Social Support, and Service Provision. Partner Abuse, 1(3), 284-313.

Brooks, M., & Silverman, J. G. (2013). Exploring Gender Differences in Coercive Control in Intimate Partner Violence. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 28(14), 2909-2924.

Tsui, V. (2014). Male Victims of Intimate Partner Abuse: Use and Helpfulness of Services. Social Work, 59(2), 121-130.

Dempsey, B. (2013). Men’s Experience of Coercive Control in Intimate Partner Relationships. Qualitative Social Work, 12(5), 586-604.

Debowska, A., Boduszek, D., & Willmott, D. (2017). Gender Differences in the Nature of Intimate Partner Violence and Coercive Control. Psychology of Violence, 7(3), 467-477.

Walker, L. E., & Browne, A. (1985). Gender and Coercive Control: Implications for the Legal and Mental Health Communities. Journal of Law and Human Behavior, 9(4), 533-550.

Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs. (2022). Understanding the Dynamics of Coercive Control in Male Victims. Retrieved from https://www.theduluthmodel.org

Featured Image: Male victims of coercive control face unique challenges. Source: fizkes  /Adobe Stock

Systems Abuse: Exploitation of Legal and Institutional Systems to Control Victims

By
Samara Knight
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systems abuse

Systems abuse is an abuser’s calculated use of legal, bureaucratic, and institutional structures to control, intimidate, and harass their victims. Abusers exploit the very systems intended to protect individuals and families, using them to maintain power over their victims.

It manifests in several ways, from legal harassment and custody manipulation to the misuse of child welfare services and financial control through legal channels. Unfortunately, systems abuse is a growing concern, especially for individuals involved in high-conflict custody disputes or those escaping abusive relationships.

Understanding Systems Abuse

There are several ways that abusers manipulate various systems.

Legal Harassment: Weaponizing the Court System. Legal harassment occurs when the abuser repeatedly takes the victim to court over minor or fabricated issues. Abusers initiate excessive legal actions, file motions, and demand costly litigation to exhaust the other person’s financial resources, disrupt their lives, and wear them down emotionally. Studies show that legal harassment disproportionately impacts survivors of intimate partner violence, with abusers leveraging the legal system to maintain a grip on their victims.

Legal harassment includes filing frivolous lawsuits or complaints to initiate costly court appearances, repeatedly challenging custody agreements or making unreasonable demands regarding child visitation, and making false accusations, such as of abuse or neglect, to force the victim to defend themselves in court.

Victims of systems abuse often feel trapped, as each new court appearance or legal interaction drags them further into the abuser’s control. Since victims often bear legal costs while trying to protect themselves, they may struggle financially, creating a cycle of dependency and vulnerability.

Custody Manipulation: Using Children as a Control Tool. In cases involving shared children, custody manipulation becomes a powerful tool for systems manipulation. Abusers manipulate the child custody process, leveraging legal systems to ensure ongoing control over their former partner and to disrupt the child’s stability.

Custody manipulation involves filing for sole custody to limit the other parent’s time and involvement in the child’s life, making false abuse allegations to cast doubt on the individual’s fitness as a parent, violating visitation agreements to harass or frustrate the victim, and using custody battles to prolong their engagement with the other person and as an attempt to maintain control over them.

This tactic creates a distressing environment for both the parent and the child, as the abuser prioritizes control over the well-being of the family. Custody manipulation can have long-term negative effects on children, who may feel caught in the middle of their parents’ conflicts.

Manipulation of Child Welfare Systems. Abusers may contact Child Protective Services (CPS) with false reports of neglect or abuse, often as retaliation or a tactic to cast doubt on the person’s parenting abilities. This can lead to a cascade of investigations and interventions, which disrupt the victim’s life and may even compromise their credibility.

This form of abuse places victims under intense scrutiny from social service providers and other authorities, which can result in severe psychological distress, feelings of helplessness, and public shaming. False CPS allegations are distressing and contribute to financial strain and social stigma for the victim.

Financial Control Through Legal Channels. Abusers use legal channels to control the victim’s financial resources, including withholding child support payments to exert pressure or initiating repeated court battles to drain the other person’s finances. Financial abuse may involve obstructing the individual’s access to shared bank accounts or making it difficult for them to access their rightful property. This manipulation of resources severely limits a person’s financial autonomy, making it harder for them to escape the abusive relationship.

Research on economic abuse highlights that victims who face financial control are at a higher risk of remaining in abusive situations due to their inability to establish financial independence. Ongoing legal battles and court costs worsen financial constraints.

False Accusations and Reputation Damage. Abusers may use institutional structures to tarnish the victim’s reputation, including filing police reports with fabricated accusations, claiming the victim is engaging in illegal activities, or stating they are unfit as a parent or guardian. False accusations often force people into a defensive position, where they must continually prove their innocence, all while suffering damage to their personal and professional reputations.

False accusations can lead to social isolation, as people may distance themselves from the victim due to doubt or suspicion, job instability, especially if the accusations result in involvement with law enforcement, and emotional exhaustion from having to constantly defend against unfounded claims.

Victims subjected to false accusations and public defamation experience a decline in mental health, often leading to symptoms of depression, anxiety, and low self-worth.

Impact on Victims and the Need for Systemic Reform

The impact of systems abuse on victims is profound, often leaving them feeling helpless and entrapped. Prolonged engagement with the abuser through legal, bureaucratic, and institutional systems drains victims emotionally, financially, and physically, hindering their ability to move forward. It’s not uncommon for people who have been abused to avoid seeking help due to fear of further escalation and manipulation by the abuser.

There is a pressing need for systemic reform to address the loopholes in legal and bureaucratic systems allowing this type of abuse. Judicial training and awareness programs on systems abuse can help to prevent abusers from manipulating legal and welfare systems to harm their victims. For instance, judges and social service providers can be trained to identify patterns of institutional abuse and take steps to protect victims from repeated legal harassment.

Practical Steps for Victims and Support Systems

Victims of systems abuse need support from informed professionals and a strong social network. Here are some steps you can take if you find yourself in this situation.

  • Seek legal assistance: Working with a lawyer experienced in high-conflict custody cases or domestic abuse can help you navigate legal complexities and document patterns of systems abuse.
  • Document everything: Keep detailed records of all interactions with the abuser, including emails, texts, and court filings. This documentation can serve as evidence if you need to demonstrate a pattern of abuse.
  • Engage with support groups: Community groups for domestic abuse survivors often provide resources, emotional support, and information about legal rights and strategies.
  • Consider protective measures: In severe cases, a restraining order or similar legal protection may help limit the abuser’s ability to misuse systems against you.

Systems abuse is a powerful, insidious form of control that exploits institutional structures to perpetuate harm. By understanding how abusers misuse these systems, we can better recognize the tactics of systems manipulation and work toward stronger protections for victims. Addressing institutional abuse requires cooperation from legal professionals, social service providers, and support networks to prevent abusers from manipulating systems intended to protect and support families.

References

Crossman, K. A., & Hardesty, J. L. (2018). The use of legal and administrative systems in intimate partner violence: Evidence from survivors and professionals. Journal of Family Violence, 33(1), 5-17.

Dewar, M., & Tutty, L. M. (2018). High-conflict divorce and the need for parental coordination services. Family Court Review, 56(1), 72-85.

Hardesty, J. L., & Ogolsky, B. G. (2021). Coping with coercive control during the divorce process: Survivor perspectives. Family Relations, 70(1), 111-124.

Meier, J. S. (2020). Domestic violence, child custody, and child protection: Understanding the complexities of family law. Family Law Quarterly, 54(1), 45-64.

Postmus, J. L., Hoge, G. L., & Breckenridge, J. (2020). Economic abuse in the context of intimate partner violence. Violence Against Women, 26(4), 376-395.

Featured Image: In systems abuse, abusers exploit legal, bureaucratic, and institutional structures to control, intimidate, or harass victims. Source:  Darya /Adobe Stock

50 Common Gaslighting Phrases and What They Really Mean

By
Samara Knight
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gaslighting phrases

Gaslighting is among the most deceptive forms of manipulation. It happens when an abuser systematically erodes your sense of reality, creating confusion and self-doubt. Through carefully chosen words and phrases, gaslighters twist your perception of events and deflect responsibility, leading you to question your own feelings, memory, and self-worth. This article uncovers 50 common gaslighting phrases, decoding their hidden meanings to help victims recognize these harmful behaviors for what they truly are.

Invalidating Your Feelings

A frequent tactic used by gaslighters is to dismiss or belittle your feelings, making you feel as though your emotional responses are exaggerated, unwarranted, or overly sensitive. This behavior minimizes your reactions and sows self-doubt, leading you to question the legitimacy of your own emotions. This cycle of invalidation doesn’t just chip away at your self-esteem; it strengthens the gaslighter’s control over you. Here are some common dismissive phrases they may use:

  1. “You’re just too sensitive.”
    What it means: Any valid concern or reaction you have is dismissed. This suggests that the problem is always your reaction and not their behavior. 
  2. “You’re blowing this out of proportion.”
    What it means: This trivializes your feelings and downplays their behavior, making you feel silly for having a natural reaction.
  3. “You’re always so dramatic.”
    What it means: This suggests your feelings are exaggerated, invalidating your experience.
  4. “Calm down, it’s not that serious.”
    What it means: They frame your emotional response as unreasonable, making it difficult to address real issues.
  5. “You’re overthinking this.”
    What it means: They downplay the issue by suggesting you’re focusing on it too much, silencing valid concerns.
  6. “Why can’t you just be happy?”
    What it means: They minimize your concerns and imply you’re at fault for feeling hurt, creating guilt for experiencing any distress.

Manipulation of Memory

Gaslighters frequently manipulate specific details of past events to make you question your memory and doubt your own recall. They use phrases that imply you’re forgetting, misinterpreting, or remembering things incorrectly, eroding your confidence in your own mind. This tactic creates confusion around specific facts, leading you to second-guess your memory and depend on them for the “truth.” Here are some common phrases abusers use to make you question your own recollections:

  1. “When did I say that?”
    What it means: They act as though they never said something, pushing you to question your memory and your ability to recall accurately.
  2. “That’s not what you said.”
    What it means: The abuser twists your words or pretends to remember things differently to cast doubt on your memory.
  3. “I told you about this already.”
    What it means: They claim you’ve forgotten important details, suggesting you have a “memory problem.”
  4. “I never told you that because you’d forget it anyway.”
    What it means: This implies you’re incapable of remembering details, reinforcing a sense of inadequacy.
  5. “You are not remembering it correctly.”
    What it means: They make you question the accuracy of your memory, even about small details, leaving you unsure of your own recollection.

Eroding Confidence in Your Own Mind

Gaslighters often seek control by making you feel unintelligent, unstable, or unworthy. They create a narrative that casts you as irrational or “off,” while positioning themselves as the rational authority who “knows best.” This tactic can be profoundly damaging, leading you to question your abilities, mental stability, and even your sanity. At the very least, it erodes your self-worth and confidence, making you increasingly dependent on the gaslighter for direction. This form of manipulation is evident in phrases like these:

  1. “You’re clueless.”
    What it means: They frame you as incapable of understanding things, pushing you to doubt yourself.
  2. “You’re imagining things.”
    What it means: This is a classic deflection, making you doubt your memory and intuition, and framing you as irrational or paranoid.
  3. “You’re delusional.”
    What it means: Casting you as disconnected from reality or even mentally ill, which makes you fearful about voicing concerns.
  4. “You need help.”
    What it means: By labeling you as “unstable” or “crazy,” the abuser deflects any responsibility for their actions.
  5. “Everyone else thinks you’re crazy too.”
    What it means: They are using triangulation to give credibility to their opinion. They are also implying that no one would believe or support you.
  6. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
    What it means: It undermines your knowledge or experiences, reinforcing their “superiority.”
  7. “Everyone thinks you’re losing it.”
    What it means: This implies that everyone else sees the same flaws in you, isolating you further.
  8. “Do you even understand the English language?”
    What it means: This is meant to make you feel small and question your intelligence.
  9. “You’re just paranoid.”
    What it means: This suggests that your valid concerns are overreactions or even ‘pathological’, fostering insecurity.

Portraying Themselves as the Real Victim

A common tactic gaslighters use to dodge accountability is positioning themselves as the real “victim” in the situation. By shifting blame onto you and portraying themselves as the one who’s been wronged, they divert attention from their actions and make you feel responsible for their emotions or behavior.

When gaslighters assume the role of the victim, it becomes challenging for you to express your own feelings, as doing so can make you feel selfish or unkind. Recognizing this tactic can help you see it as a form of manipulation designed to avoid responsibility, not a sign that you are at fault. Here are some phrases often used to play the victim:

  1. “I’m the one who’s really hurting.”
    What it means: This shifts attention to their feelings, making you feel guilty for your own pain.
  2. “I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t…”
    What it means: They avoid accountability by making you responsible for their behavior.
  3. “It hurts me more than it hurts you.”
    What it means: This frames their hurtful actions as a painful sacrifice on their part, forcing you to feel compassion.
  4. “I’m only doing this because I care.”
    What it means: Their controlling actions are framed as acts of “love,” making you feel guilty for not appreciating it.
  5. “I’m the real victim here.”
    What it means: They attempt to make you feel as though your hurtful actions are affecting them, further avoiding accountability.
  6. “You’re putting all the blame on me.”
    What it means: This shifts focus from their behavior, making you feel guilty for holding them accountable.
  7. “After all I’ve done for you…”
    What it means: They attempt to guilt you by making it seem like their efforts and sacrifices should be appreciated, no matter their actions.

Blame-Shifting and Guilt Tripping

Gaslighters strengthen their control by making you feel accountable for their behavior, cultivating a sense of guilt that reinforces their power. They may insist that their reactions are purely responses to your actions or that you are somehow responsible for the issues in the relationship. This type of manipulation makes it difficult to set boundaries or address harmful behavior, as the guilt they instill can make you feel pressured to “make things right.”

This tactic creates internal conflict, forcing you to wrestle with feelings of guilt that clash with your own self-worth. Recognizing these phrases can help you see through the blame-shifting and regain a clearer, healthier perspective on responsibility:

  1. “You’re making things difficult.”
    What it means: This blames you for the conflict, causing self-doubt and guilt.
  2. “You made me react this way.”
    What it means: The abuser blames you for their anger or aggression, further confusing responsibility.
  3. “You need to learn to let things go.”
    What it means: They attempt to silence you by framing legitimate concerns as grudges.
  4. “If you weren’t so difficult, I wouldn’t have to act like this.”
    What it means: They shift the blame for their behavior onto you, making you feel responsible for their actions.
  5. “You’re just trying to make me look bad.”
    What it means: This makes you feel guilty for asserting yourself, as if your motive is to harm them.
  6. “This is your fault.”
    What it means: They place responsibility for their hurtful actions onto you, reinforcing guilt and insecurity.

Hiding Manipulation Behind a Façade of Care

Many gaslighters justify their harmful behavior by presenting it as acts of kindness, love, or concern. They insist that they’re acting in your best interest, making it more challenging to recognize the damage they’re causing. By casting themselves as well-meaning, they sidestep accountability and leave you feeling guilty for not appreciating their so-called “help.”

This tactic is especially disorienting, as it conflicts with the expectation that someone who genuinely cares about you would honor your feelings and respect your boundaries. Learning to recognize these phrases for what they truly are allows you to see past the guise of “good intentions” and understand the control at play:

  1. “I’m only trying to help.”
    What it means: Framing hurtful comments as “helpful” allows them to avoid blame.
  2. “I try so hard and yet, you’re so ungrateful.”
    What it means: They make you feel guilty for not accepting their toxic behavior.
  3. “You need me.”
    What it means: By suggesting you’re dependent on them, they reinforce control and make leaving seem impossible.
  4. “It’s for your own good.”
    What it means: Their control is justified as protection, downplaying its harmful impact.
  5. “I just want what’s best for you.”
    What it means: They invalidate your needs and autonomy by positioning themselves as the authority.
  6. “You’re really making it hard to love you.”
    What it means: This tactic makes you feel unworthy of love, reinforcing dependency on the abuser.
  7. “You’re lucky to have me.”
    What it means: They inflate their own value, making you feel undeserving of other relationships.

Erasing Reality to Rewrite the Narrative

Gaslighters frequently create confusion by altering past events, twisting the facts, reinterpreting situations, or completely denying that something ever happened. This strategy makes it difficult to challenge them, as they continuously adjust the “truth” to align with their agenda. By dominating the narrative, they ensure that their version of events becomes the accepted one, leaving you dependent on them for understanding and clarity.

This gradual erosion of your sense of reality can be profoundly unsettling, making it hard to know what is real. As they persistently push their narrative as the “truth,” you may begin to feel trapped, doubting your own perceptions and memories. Here are some common phrases used to deny reality:

  1. “I never agreed to that.”
    What it means: They reject previous agreements, creating confusion and frustration.
  2. “You’re making things up.”
    What it means: By accusing you of lying, they make it difficult for you to trust yourself.
  3. “That’s just your opinion.”
    What it means: They dismiss factual events as subjective opinions, making it hard to assert the truth.
  4. “I’ve never lied to you.”
    What it means: They attempt to rewrite the narrative by positioning themselves as always honest, even if they’ve lied.
  5. “That never happened.”
    What it means: They completely reject your version of events, making you question if the event even occurred.

Minimizing The Impact of Their Behavior

Gaslighters frequently downplay the effects of their actions, making it challenging for you to voice your feelings. By labeling hurtful remarks as “jokes” or implying that their behavior isn’t serious, they make it harder for you to address the harm they’re causing. This tactic invalidates your emotions, leaving you feeling irrational or overly sensitive for responding to their behavior.

Over time, this pattern of minimizing the harm blurs the line between acceptable and harmful behavior, leaving you unsure of what is reasonable to tolerate. Recognizing these tactics allows you to see when your feelings are being unjustly dismissed and strengthens your ability to stand up for your experiences. Here are some common phrases used to minimize harm:

  1. “It’s no big deal.”
    What it means: They dismiss the impact of their actions, framing you as overreacting.
  2. “It was just a joke.”
    What it means: By disguising hurtful comments as jokes, the abuser dismisses your feelings and diverts attention from their harmful behavior.
  3. “It wasn’t that bad.”
    What it means: This minimizes your pain, suggesting your reaction is disproportionate.
  4. “Other people wouldn’t care.”
    What it means: They imply that only you would react this way, making you question your own judgment.
  5. “It didn’t hurt that much.”
    What it means: Your pain is minimized, as if their abuse is only valid if it’s extreme.

Identifying the Signs of Gaslighting

These gaslighting phrases show just how powerful words can be in shaping a person’s self-worth, memory, and sense of reality. If you recognize any of these phrases in your own relationship, it’s important to observe other dynamics at play.

Phrases like “It’s no big deal” or “Stop overreacting” can sometimes appear in even healthy relationships as isolated comments. However, when they are used repeatedly, systematically, and as part of a larger pattern of manipulation, they become deeply damaging and abusive.

In these situations, such phrases are tools of control, meant to chip away at your confidence and perception of reality over time. If you’re in a relationship where this pattern is present, your physical and emotional well-being may be in jeopardy. Seeking professional support or planning to exit the relationship safely can be crucial steps toward reclaiming your peace and safety.

Featured image: Gaslighting phrases. Source: Badass Prodigy / Adobe Stock.

A New Beginning: Escaping Domestic Abuse in Later Life (Video)

By
shadowsofcontrol
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abuse in later life

Despite the family’s polished exterior, the reality inside Mary Lou’s home was defined by fear and control, and the painful experience of abuse in later life. After enduring an abusive marriage of 43 years, she finally found the strength to leave at the age of 65.

Her husband’s violence was often sudden and without warning, turning ordinary moments—like Thanksgiving dinner or a shopping trip for her son—into traumatic memories. This unpredictability forced Mary Lou and her children into a constant state of vigilance, where the day’s peace hinged entirely on her husband’s mood.

The duality of Mary Lou’s life became almost surreal. In public, she was a respected, innovative first-grade teacher who felt valued by her students and colleagues. But at home, her husband would cruelly belittle her accomplishments, telling her she was a “fraud” and crushing any joy she might feel. Over time, denial became a way to survive; it dulled the pain and allowed her to keep moving forward even as her spirit was suffocated by despair.

The breaking point came when her attempt to express her suicidal thoughts to her husband was met with chilling indifference. Instead of empathy, he suggested how she could “be successful” in ending her life. It was from that devastating moment, with the help of her therapist, that Mary Lou began to recognize her situation for what it was—domestic abuse. The clarity was painful but liberating, allowing her to finally make the choice to leave her abusive marriage of 43 years at the age of 65.

This choice redefined her future. Mary Lou found strength in therapy, which helped her rebuild her self-worth and reshape her identity beyond her role as a victim. Now she speaks openly about her journey, helping others recognize that they too deserve safety and respect.

Featured image: Mary Lou talking about how she left her abusive marriage. Source: YouTube Screenshot / NCALL

Emotional Abuse vs. Psychological Abuse: What’s the Difference?

By
Angie Doel
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emotional abuse vs psychological abuse

When discussing abusive behavior, the terms “emotional abuse” and “psychological abuse” are often used interchangeably, leaving many people wondering whether there is a distinction between the two. Both types of abuse can leave lasting scars, yet they differ in the ways they impact their victims. Understanding the difference between emotional and psychological abuse is essential for recognizing these harmful behaviors and seeking appropriate help.

This article explores the distinctions between emotional and psychological abuse, provides examples of each, and discusses how recognizing these patterns can empower survivors to take action toward healing and recovery.

What is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is primarily aimed at a person’s feelings and emotional well-being. It focuses on causing emotional pain, distress, or harm by manipulating the victim’s emotions to exert control. Common tactics include guilt-tripping, playing the victim, or withholding affection. Emotional abuse often leaves an individual feeling unworthy, unloved, or deeply hurt.

Examples of Emotional Abuse:

  • Guilt-Tripping: Use of guilt to manipulate the victim into doing things they don’t want to do, making them feel responsible for the abuser’s happiness.
  • Withholding Affection: Refusing to give emotional support, love, or attention to control behavior.
  • The Silent Treatment: Purposefully ignoring a person to make them feel isolated or insignificant.
  • Demeaning or Humiliating Remarks: Belittling the victim to erode their self-esteem.
  • Playing the Victim: Abusers make themselves appear as the victim in every conflict, shifting blame onto others.
  • Love Bombing and Withdrawal: Showering a partner with excessive affection or praise, only to suddenly withdraw it, creating a cycle of dependency and insecurity.
  • Using Jealousy to Control: Constantly accusing the victim of being unfaithful to justify monitoring or restricting their behavior.
  • Public Embarrassment: Criticizing or mocking the individual in front of others to exert control and make them feel ashamed.
  • Minimizing or Denying Abuse: Making a person believe their experiences aren’t valid by dismissing their concerns or emotions as overreactions.
  • Emotional Blackmail: Threatening to harm oneself or leave the relationship to force their partner into compliance.
  • Stonewalling: Completely shutting down conversations to avoid accountability or to punish the other person.
  • Isolation from Friends and Family: Discouraging or forbidding social interactions to make the victim dependent on the abuser.
  • Blaming Mood Swings on the Victim: Claiming that the victim’s behavior is responsible for the abuser’s volatile emotions, creating guilt and confusion.
  • Unpredictable Behavior: Keeping the abused partner on edge by switching between affection and hostility, creating emotional instability.

These tactics target the victim’s emotions, making them feel inadequate or guilty, even when they haven’t done anything wrong. Over time, emotional abuse significantly erodes a person’s self-worth, leaving them feeling trapped.

What is Psychological Abuse?

Psychological abuse targets a person’s cognitive processes. The goal is to manipulate the victim’s thoughts, perceptions, and understanding of reality. Psychological abuse, which is often called mental abuse, can involve gaslighting, mind games, or creating confusion, which makes the individual question their memory or judgment. While emotional abuse influences how a person feels, psychological abuse manipulates how they think.

Examples of Psychological Abuse:

  • Gaslighting: Manipulating the victim into doubting their perceptions, memories, or sanity, causing them to feel confused or to second-guess themselves.
  • Mind Games: Subtle manipulation, such as setting someone up to fail or constantly changing narratives to confuse them.
  • Creating Confusion: Deliberately withholding information or giving misleading instructions to make the individual doubt themselves.
  • Manipulation: Psychological abusers control the victim’s thoughts by dictating what is real or what they should believe.
  • Triangulation: Involving a third party (like friends, family, or another romantic interest) to create competition, insecurity, or tension in the relationship.
  • Projection: Accusing the victim of feelings, actions, or behaviors the abusive partner is engaging in, deflecting blame.
  • Forced Dependency: Undermining a person’s confidence to the point where they feel incapable of making decisions without the abuser.
  • Threats of Harm or Abandonment: Making threats to harm the victim, loved ones, or pets or threatening to leave.
  • Excessive Monitoring: Constantly checking their partner’s phone, email, or whereabouts.
  • Sabotaging Success: Undermining an individual’s achievements by belittling them or creating obstacles to prevent their success.
  • Hypercriticism: Constantly criticizing their partner’s choices, appearance, or behavior.
  • Creating a False Reality: Inventing narratives or twisting events to make the victim believe things that aren’t true.
  • Exploitation of Insecurities: Exploiting personal vulnerabilities or secrets shared in confidence.
  • Conditioning through Rewards and Punishments: Using praise, affection, or gifts as rewards and withdrawal or punishment to control behavior.
  • Chronic Lying: Constant dishonesty to erode trust and keep the victim disoriented.
  • Smearing Reputation: Spreading false information or rumors about the victim to isolate them or damage their relationships.

Psychological abuse aims to dominate the victim’s thoughts, making them feel mentally unstable. This is a sinister form of abuse and often causes long-term cognitive dissonance and difficulty trusting one’s thoughts.

Emotional Abuse vs. Psychological Abuse: Key Differences

While both of these types of abuse are harmful, they differ in their focus and impact.

Focus:

  • Emotional abuse targets the victim’s feelings and emotional well-being. It aims to make the victim feel inadequate, unworthy, or unloved.
  • Psychological abuse targets the victim’s thought processes, intending to manipulate their sense of reality and perception.

Tactics:

  • Emotional abuse uses guilt-tripping, withholding affection, and demeaning language to hurt feelings.
  • Psychological abuse uses gaslighting, manipulation, and confusion to control cognitive processes.

Impact on Victim:

  • Emotional abuse leaves the victim feeling hurt or guilty, often struggling with low self-esteem or emotional distress.
  • Psychological abuse leaves the victim questioning their thoughts, memory, or sanity, often experiencing chronic confusion or mental exhaustion.

While these forms of abuse can overlap, understanding the specific differences helps identify what type of abuse is occurring.

How Emotional and Psychological Abuse Intersect

In many abusive relationships, emotional and psychological abuse occur together. For example, an abuser might use gaslighting (psychological abuse) to distort their partner’s perception of reality and follow it up with guilt-tripping (emotional abuse) to make them feel responsible for the conflict. These combined tactics create a toxic environment where the victim feels both emotionally devastated and cognitively disoriented.

These forms of abuse are not always easy to recognize, as they often escalate gradually. Victims may initially dismiss the behavior as normal relationship conflict, only to realize later that they are being systematically manipulated or controlled.

References

Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. (1993). Emotional abuse of women by male partners: The relationship between emotional abuse and physical violence. Violence and Victims, 8(2), 105-117.

Stern, R. (2018). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life. Harmony.

Featured Image: They can both have lasting negative effects on a person, but there are some key differences between emotional vs. psychological abuse. Source: Grispb /Adobe Stock

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