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Hidden Abuse: How Domestic Abusers Lead Dual Lives

By
Samara Knight
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Hidden abuse

Domestic abusers are masters of deception, skillfully presenting a public image that belies the cruel reality of their private behavior. Survivors often describe their abusers as charming and well-respected individuals who maintain a facade of kindness while inflicting unspeakable harm behind closed doors. This hidden abuse, concealed beneath a meticulously crafted exterior, is a devastating reality for countless individuals trapped in the cycle of domestic violence.

The Carefully Constructed Public Image

Abusers are adept at crafting a public persona that is both likable and trustworthy. They effortlessly navigate social situations, presenting themselves as upstanding members of their communities, devoted family members, and reliable friends. This illusion is so convincing that those who know the abuser outside the home often find it difficult to reconcile their public image with the accounts of their victims.

As one survivor powerfully articulated, “He was a true Jekyll and Hyde. It made the trauma so hard – to see how he could put on a mask of being a great person and then turning around and treating me and his daughter so badly.” Another survivor shared, “Outside he was coming across smiling, kind, charming, helpful. At home he was miserable, angry, controlling, and abusive.” These stark contrasts highlight the profound duality of the abuser’s behavior.

The Dark Reality Behind Closed Doors

In the privacy of their homes, abusers reveal their true colors. They subject their victims to a wide range of abusive tactics, including emotional manipulation, gaslighting, isolation, and physical violence. Survivors describe a gradual erosion of their self-worth and independence as the abuser methodically breaks down their defenses.

The psychological manipulation employed by abusers is intentional and calculated. They strategically undermine their victim’s credibility, making it challenging for them to seek help or be believed. “This is what’s so baffling, the completeness of the performance. He must’ve spent years perfecting it. Most people saw him as a well-intended easy going guy. Privately, he was petty, jealous, thin-skinned, and despotic,” one survivor explained, capturing the meticulous nature of the abuser’s deception.

Isolation and Enablers: The Abuser’s Tools of Control

Abusers often isolate their victims from support networks, making it increasingly difficult for them to reach out for help. They may control their victim’s access to communication, transportation, or finances, or sabotage their relationships with friends and family.

Moreover, abusers often cultivate a network of enablers who inadvertently support their false narrative. By presenting a charming and helpful persona to those around them, abusers create a shield of plausible deniability. “He made sure to win over everyone around us—friends, family, even my coworkers,” one survivor shared. “He’d do favors for them, show up with gifts, and act like the perfect partner. But at home, he’d berate me for the smallest thing.”

Recognizing the Signs: Shattering the Silence

Breaking the cycle of abuse requires a collective effort to recognize the subtle signs of psychological manipulation and control. Survivors emphasize that abuse is not always visible and that the most dangerous abusers are often those who appear the most charming and respectable.

Warning signs may include extreme mood shifts, subtle controlling behaviors, and gradual isolation from support systems. “The only people who see the abuse are the ones who live with him,” one survivor emphasized. “To everyone else he’s kind, helpful, funny, thoughtful, and considerate. He was none of those things at home.”

By understanding the complex dynamics of domestic abuse and the deceptive tactics employed by abusers, we can create a more supportive environment for survivors. This involves challenging societal misconceptions, providing resources and support for those experiencing abuse, and holding abusers accountable for their actions, regardless of their public image.

The Power of Believing Survivors

One of the most critical steps in supporting survivors is simply believing their experiences. When survivors share their stories, they are often met with skepticism or disbelief, particularly when the abuser is well-liked or respected in the community.

However, it is crucial to remember that abusers are skilled manipulators who deliberately craft their public personas to deflect suspicion and maintain control. Believing survivors, even when their accounts seem to contradict the abuser’s public image, is a powerful act of support and validation.

Warning Signs to Recognize

Extreme mood shifts can be a critical indicator of underlying psychological abuse. Controlling behavior might manifest subtly – through seemingly innocuous comments, passive-aggressive manipulations, or strategic emotional withdrawals. Isolation tactics are often sophisticated, gradually cutting the victim off from support systems without raising immediate alarm.

One survivor’s words resonate powerfully: “He is a chameleon who changes his personality from friends and others to monster at home.” This transformation is not random but carefully orchestrated, designed to maintain power and control while protecting the abuser’s public reputation.

Domestic abuse thrives in silence and secrecy. By understanding the complex dynamics of these abusers, we can begin to support survivors, challenge societal misconceptions, and create safer environments for those experiencing domestic violence.

Top image: Abusers may appear respectable, charming, and kind. Source: neonshot / Adobe Stock.

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.

22-Year-Old Jailed for Coercive Control of his own Mother

By
Samara Knight
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Tamour Nawaz subjected his mother to coercive control

Peterborough, UK – In a disturbing case of domestic abuse, 22-year-old Tamour Nawaz has been sentenced to one year and 30 weeks in prison for subjecting his mother to a campaign of coercive control, intimidation, and violence. The Peterborough Crown Court heard how Nawaz’s relentless demands for food, money, and a phone, coupled with his explosive temper, left his mother living in constant fear.

The court was told how Nawaz used a brick to smash the conservatory windows of the home he shared with his mother, simply because he felt she was ignoring him. In another incident, he threw the dinner she had cooked for him on the floor before demanding she clean it up.

Violent Outbursts

Nawaz’s reign of terror extended to his mother’s private moments, with the court hearing how he would go upstairs while she was trying to sleep, pull the duvet off her, and demand she get up to cook him food. When police attempted to arrest him on June 11, Nawaz lashed out at two officers, kicking them repeatedly and putting one in a headlock before being subdued with PAVA spray.

Coercive Control in Family Relationships

While coercive control is often associated with intimate partner violence, this case highlights the disturbing reality of adult children abusing older family members. As Detective Constable Maisy Napier of Cambridgeshire Police stated, “Coercive control is a criminal offence and we take reports of it seriously. This kind of behaviour has long-lasting effects on victims as well as the impact at the time. This case highlights that coercive and controlling behaviour is exactly that, irrespective of the relationship dynamic it occurs within.”

The UK’s coercive control law, introduced in 2015, acknowledges that coercive control can occur within family relationships and is not exclusive to intimate partners. This recognition is crucial in cases like Nawaz’s, where the victim is a parent being abused by their adult child.

Challenges for Older Victims

Experts note that older victims of abuse by adult children or grandchildren face unique challenges in seeking help. The emotional bonds and memories of the abuser as a child can make it difficult for the victim to acknowledge the harm being done. Additionally, feelings of shame, guilt, and self-blame are common, with victims questioning their own parenting and struggling with the idea of their child facing legal consequences.

Support and Empowerment

Advocates stress the importance of validating the feelings of hurt and betrayal experienced by older victims of family violence, emphasizing that the abuse is not their fault. Providing support in negotiating the complex dynamics of these relationships, and empowering victims to prioritize their own safety and well-being, is crucial.

Cambridgeshire Police encourage anyone experiencing domestic abuse to come forward, regardless of the relationship with the abuser. The bravery of victims who come forward, like Nawaz’s mother, is instrumental in bringing perpetrators to justice and shedding light on the often hidden reality of family violence.

Top image: Main – victim of elder abuse. Source: AimPix / Adobe Stock. Inset: Tamour Nawaz. Source: Cambridgeshire Police.

Irish Man Jailed for 14.5 Years for Rape and Coercive Control of Partner

By
Samara Knight
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Lisa O'Meara

An Irish man has been sentenced to 14-and-a-half years in prison for the rape, assault, false imprisonment, and coercive control of his former partner, Lisa O’Meara. Barry Murphy, 39, from Ballycumber, Co Offaly, was convicted by a jury at a trial earlier this year.

Victim Waives Anonymity, Urges Others to Seek Help

According to the Irish Independent, Ms O’Meara, who waived her right to anonymity so that Murphy could be named, delivered a powerful victim impact statement at the Central Criminal Court. Speaking outside the court, she urged other women in abusive relationships to “just leave,” stating that “it doesn’t get better, it just gets worse and worse.”

“I hope women in a similar situation will take from this that they can get out of a bad relationship, an abusive relationship, and get justice for themselves too,” Ms O’Meara said. “Don’t be afraid. Speak up.”

Coercive Control Criminalized in Ireland

Coercive control, a pattern of behaviour that includes intimidation, isolation, and control, was criminalized in Ireland under the Domestic Violence Act 2018. The offence carries a maximum sentence of five years in prison. In this case, Murphy was convicted of coercively controlling Ms O’Meara over an 18-month period between January 1, 2019, and July 4, 2020.

Held Hostage in Her Own Home

The court heard that Murphy had effectively held Ms O’Meara hostage in her own home, with the front door “riveted shut” and no means of communication with the outside world. Gardaí had concerns for Ms O’Meara’s safety and were actively searching for her at the time.

Mr Justice Kerida Naidoo noted that the rapes and sexual assault happened when Ms O’Meara was effectively a hostage in her own home. He added that Murphy had restricted her movement and liberty over a two-year period.

Loss of Identity and Confidence

In her victim impact statement, Ms O’Meara described how the abuse had left her feeling worthless and with no confidence. “I cannot put into words what I went through,” she said. “It completely destroyed me.”

She told the court that Murphy had “ripped away my identity, little by little” and that she found herself “fighting every day to heal” from the trauma she had endured. Perpetrators of coercive control strip their partners of their sense of self and identity through tactics like undermining, judging, criticizing, gaslighting, and trivializing.

Sentencing and Mitigation

Mr Justice Naidoo imposed a global sentence of 15-and-a-half years, with the final year suspended on strict conditions. He acknowledged that Murphy had not pleaded guilty, did not accept the jury’s verdict, and had shown no remorse. In a disgraceful minimization of events, John Peart SC, defending, said it was simply a domestic situation that “got out of hand”.

The judge stated that the offences warranted significant prison time due to their serious nature and the ongoing coercive control exercised by Murphy.

Top image: Lisa O’Meara, who suffered coercive control and the hands of Barry Murphy. Source: Collins Courts.

Donna’s Journey: Reclaiming Life After 25 Years of Coercive Control (Video)

By
Samara Knight
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rebuilding self-worth

For 25 years, Donna endured emotional abuse, constant put-downs, and isolation in a marriage that left her feeling trapped and hopeless. Her husband’s relentless insults destroyed her self-esteem, leaving her convinced that she couldn’t survive on her own.

The emotional toll was so severe that Donna often contemplated suicide, feeling as though there was no way out. Despite the overwhelming challenges, she secretly sought therapy, recognizing that something in her life wasn’t right. Therapy became a lifeline, helping her rebuild her self-worth and eventually connect with a shelter that offered her a chance to escape.

Donna’s marriage had begun as a loving relationship, but significant life changes—her husband’s retirement from the military, his mother’s death, and increased drinking—turned it into a cycle of control and abuse.

When she finally made the decision to leave, she had to give up the home she had lived in for decades, as it was in her husband’s name. Leaving meant walking away with nothing but her car and her courage, but Donna realized that staying was no longer safe for her. Despite societal attitudes and advice from others—some of whom suggested she go back to her husband for financial stability—Donna was determined to reclaim her life and break the generational cycle of abuse she had witnessed in her family.

Initially shy, withdrawn, and unable to make eye contact, she gradually rediscovered her confidence through her local Women’s Resource Center. Small but significant milestones, like winning a kayak in a raffle, quitting smoking, and joining community activities like pickleball, helped Donna reconnect with the world around her.

While the process of rediscovering herself was long and arduous, Donna is now in a place of happiness and empowerment. Despite the scars of her past, she has rebuilt her life and proven that healing is possible.

Featured image: Donna tells her story of rebuilding self-worth after coercive control. Source: YouTube Screenshot / NCALL.

Institutional Betrayal in the Fight Against Domestic Abuse

By
Samara Knight
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institutional betrayal

For survivors of domestic abuse, seeking help from courts, police, and social services often feels like stepping into a new cycle of harm. The very systems designed to protect and support them sometimes end up perpetuating the abuse they sought to escape. Survivors are drained emotionally, financially, and physically, facing not only their abuser but also a system that too often sides with perpetrators.

There are several ways systems may fail survivors of domestic abuse, and by sharing their experiences we shed light on the unintended – yet deeply harmful -consequences of flawed institutional responses.

The Courtroom: A Stage for Perpetrators’ Control

Family court, heralded as a place of justice, often becomes a battleground where abusers wield power through legal systems. Survivors report being retraumatized by courts that prioritize the rights of perpetrators over the safety of victims and children.

“When you think you are safe in family court, the real coercive control through litigation happens,” one survivor shared. “It drains you mentally, physically, and financially. But the legal teams get paid.”

Another person echoed this sentiment: “If Family Court was a place of justice, it would have helped enormously. The Family Court’s full support of the abuser, ignoring domestic abuse, and prioritising parental rights over child safety was completely unexpected.”

For many, this institutional complicity allows abusers to maintain control long after separation. “He keeps me down with the court system,” a survivor recounted. “Every time I work hard enough to get a little money, he takes me to court and just obliterates my finances. He will always have control of me.”

Weaponizing Children: A Cruel Tactic

One of the most heart-wrenching aspects of institutional betrayal is the way abusers weaponize children in family court disputes. Survivors find themselves fighting for custody to protect their children from abuse, only to face legal systems that fail to recognize coercive control and manipulation.

“My child and I left when she was 3 ½,” one mother explained. “He has continued his coercive control through family court weaponization and financial abuse. But I believe I would be dead if I’d stayed.”

Another survivor described her abuser’s relentless legal harassment: “He weaponizes children through family court, issues multiple civil proceedings—was even labeled a vexatious litigant—refuses to pay child maintenance, rearranges contact for my workdays, then doesn’t turn up. His poor girlfriend thinks he’s the victim.”

Police Inaction: Ignoring Evidence and Blaming Victims

When survivors turn to law enforcement, they are often met with indifference or outright dismissal. Despite providing evidence of abuse, many find their cases ignored or downplayed.

One survivor shared, “I handed over solid evidence of repeated abuse, hoping for justice, but the police simply dismissed it. They said there wasn’t enough to act, even though everything was right there.”

The psychological impact of this disregard can be profound. Another individual said, “When I finally gained the courage to report the abuse to the police, they stated that I should be used to the abuse by now, considering I hadn’t reported it yet. They said it wasn’t urgent anymore, so just handle it—they will not show up. Dumbfounded.”

When Systems Fail Domestic Abuse Survivors

Social services, often a last resort for vulnerable survivors, can also fail in their duty to protect. Survivors describe being further victimized by a system that should offer safety and support.

One survivor wrote about the devastating impact of systemic manipulation: “My abuser convinced social services that he was the victim. They believed him, ignored the evidence of abuse, and recommended sole custody of our children go to him. Once he had custody, he made the kids cut all contact with me, placing them at great risk.”

For another, institutional negligence led to ongoing abuse: “All three [courts, police, and social services] ignored domestic abuse, resulting in severe ongoing abuse for myself and my child for the past 5.5 years, major injury, huge legal debt, and I haven’t spoken to my child for 5.5 years.”

Secondary Trauma and Revictimization

The repeated failures of institutions don’t just delay justice; they inflict secondary trauma on survivors, leaving them feeling more isolated and hopeless than before.

One survivor put it bluntly: “I wish women knew about institutional betrayal before they try to use systems they think will help but instead cause secondary trauma and revictimization, sometimes with deadly consequences.”

Another described the emotional toll of navigating these systems: “I don’t want to go into details to keep my anonymity, but some experiences were more upsetting than the domestic violence itself.”

Financial Ruin: The Price of Seeking Justice

Abusers often exploit the legal system to financially devastate survivors, weaponizing litigation to drain their resources and maintain control.

One survivor revealed: “He stopped me working, took the money when I did anything that he gave permission for and controlled. He still tries to tie me up in court proceedings so it affects my mental health and takes up my time so I can’t work as self-employed.”

Another survivor shared the extreme lengths her abuser went to: “I’m still fighting a costly legal battle after my abuser and their allies filed a massive lawsuit to silence me for speaking out about their misconduct.”

Professionals Who Harm Instead of Help

The involvement of unqualified or biased professionals further exacerbates survivors’ struggles. Therapists, court officials, and lawyers can unintentionally or deliberately worsen situations, deepening the harm.

One survivor recalled: “I asked for help and the court-appointed therapist made things infinitely worse. Six years ago. I believe many involved in my case knew she messed up but have been covering for her or taking advantage of the situation for profit. It’s maddening. It hurts the kids the most.”

Another person highlighted the system’s complicity: “False charges were filed against me, and I was forced to endure a drawn-out legal process. Attempts to resolve the matter quickly were denied, leaving me trapped in the system.”

The Need for Change

These stories illustrate the pervasive failures of institutions in protecting survivors of domestic abuse. Instead of providing safety and justice, courts, police, and social services often reinforce the very dynamics of power and control that define abuse.

One survivor summed up the betrayal: “I was let down by Courts! Judges! Lawyers! Police! Child Services! … and absolutely everyone affiliated with these major players.”

As a society, we must demand accountability and reform. Survivors should not have to face secondary abuse at the hands of the systems meant to protect them. By listening to these voices and advocating for change, we can begin to dismantle the barriers that perpetuate abuse and ensure that survivors receive the justice and support they deserve.

Featured Image: A broken justice system fails domestic abuse survivors. Source: itchaznong / Adobe Stock

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.

Too Good to Be True: Survivors Accounts of Love Bombing Tactics

By
Samara Knight
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love bombing tactics

Love bombing is a powerful tool used by abusers to hook someone into a relationship, creating an intoxicating blend of affection, attention, and validation that can feel almost too good to be true. By preying on natural human needs for love, connection, and acceptance, abusers establish a strong emotional bond before revealing their controlling or abusive tendencies. In this article, survivors recount their experiences of love bombing, offering valuable insights into how manipulation can masquerade as love.

The Allure of Love Bombing

At its core, love bombing taps into our innate desire to feel valued and connected. Abusers know how to identify vulnerabilities and use them to their advantage, presenting themselves as the perfect partner. In the early stages of the relationship, they appear attentive, generous, and deeply invested in creating a connection.

  • “He cooked me good meals, gave me lots of kisses, and made me feel good and wanted. He wanted to go everywhere with me. Other than the food, the rest of it completely ceased later.”
  • “He would bring me food almost every night. I wasn’t making ends meet, and he knew that. We spent every day together. At the time, I thought he must really love me to want to feed me and be with me every day. He used my vulnerabilities against me.”

These acts of kindness and generosity seem genuine at first, but they are often part of a calculated strategy to build dependency and emotional attachment.

Overwhelming Attention and Affection

Abusers often overwhelm their targets with affection and attention, making them feel like the center of the universe. This intense focus can feel intoxicating, especially for someone who has been craving love or validation.

  • “He acted as though I was the most beautiful, amazing woman in the world. Lots of doting attention and care—being with me whenever he could. I felt so special to him. Then it all changed.”
  • “He spent almost every day with me, took me on wonderful dates, and made me feel so special.”

This phase is often described as magical, but it’s actually just an act used to create emotional dependence, making it harder for the victim to leave when the relationship turns toxic.

Filling Emotional Gaps

Abusers are skilled at identifying unmet emotional needs and exploiting them to strengthen their hold over their partner. Whether it’s providing physical affection, financial support, or a sense of security, they position themselves as the solution to the victim’s struggles.

  • “He was grooming me by touching me a lot and filling a need for physical affection I had no idea I was craving.”
  • “I felt like he was the only person who understood me, who would put up with my flaws. I believed no one else would ever treat me that well. So when he emotionally abused me and blamed it on my behavior, I stayed. I thought it was my fault.”
  • “He gave me a family, which he knew I needed.”

Love bombing works because it taps into our natural human needs for connection, validation, and security. It makes victims emotionally invested, so it’s difficult to recognize or resist the abuser’s later manipulative behavior.

Mirroring and Future Faking

Many survivors describe how abusers initially seemed to be ideal partners, sharing the same interests, goals, and values. This is often achieved through mirroring—pretending to like everything the victim enjoys—and future faking, where they make grand promises about the life they’ll build together.

  • “He pretended to be everything I was looking for, and then bam—he wasn’t.”
  • “He saw the book I was reading. Guess what? The next time he showed up at my job, he was reading the exact same book. He even held a private screening of a movie I’d been looking forward to for us. Looking back, it was just plain weird.”
  • “He pretended to be like-minded when he was nothing like me at all.”
  • “He made extravagant, wonderful plans for the future that he never intended to pursue. It was all a lie.”

These tactics create a sense of compatibility and excitement, making the victim feel as though they’ve found someone who truly understands and values them.

The Subtle Red Flags

While love bombing is often overwhelming in its intensity, there are usually subtle red flags that signal something isn’t quite right. Survivors often recall moments that, in hindsight, were clear warnings.

  • “He would rabbit on about what a terrible life he’d had and how finding me changed everything.”
  • “Right at the beginning, he literally said, ‘You’re on a pedestal, everyone loves you.’ He showed we were so compatible in hobbies, ambitions, passions, favorite foods, everything. Then he turned around and criticized or weaponized each one to grind me down.”

These red flags often go unnoticed in the glow of the initial love bombing, but they become clearer as the relationship progresses. As one survivor said, “They never start out abusive. You could spot that and leave right away. They start out charming, loving, attentive, etc. Then they sprinkle in controlling behavior over time.”

When The Mask Drops

Once the abuser feels they’ve secured their partner’s attachment, their behavior starts to change. The affection, attention, and kindness fade, revealing their true nature.

  • “What struck me, many years later, was how in the beginning we had so much in common. He was reading a book I had just finished, and we talked about art and kindness. But after we got together, we had less and less in common. He didn’t really read, he was indifferent to art, and he wasn’t as kind as I thought. Looking back, I’ve wondered how much of the early stuff had been performative.”
  • “Kind, caring, and generous. Holidays and gifts. It felt amazing—so different from my past relationships. But I discovered the whole relationship was a lie from the first year. He had cheated from the start.”

The withdrawal of affection and increase of devaluing behavior leaves a person confused, blaming themselves and trying to recapture the love they once felt.

Recognizing Love Bombing and Breaking Free

Understanding love bombing is the first step toward breaking free from its grip. If a relationship feels too good to be true or moves too quickly, it’s worth pausing to assess whether the attention and affection are genuine or a means of control.

Survivors often emphasize the importance of trusting your instincts and paying attention to red flags, even in the early stages of a relationship.

  • “I don’t trust readily anymore. If a person is reluctant to answer simple questions or gets defensive too early, I take it as a red flag. I’ve learned to walk away before getting hurt.”

Recognizing love bombing for what it is—a form of manipulation—can empower individuals to set boundaries, seek support, and ultimately leave unhealthy relationships.

Trust Your Instincts

These experiences serve as a warning to others who may find themselves caught in a whirlwind romance that feels too good to be true. If you’ve experienced love bombing or suspect it’s happening in your relationship, trust your instincts. Abusers thrive on creating illusions, but with knowledge and support, you can break free.

Remember, love that is real and healthy doesn’t manipulate or control—it nurtures and empowers. Listen to the stories of those who have been there, and know that you deserve a partner that truly respects, loves, and values you.

Featured Image: Love bombing tactics are commonly used at the beginning of controlling relationships. Source: JJ Studio / Adobe Stock

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.

Why Non-Fatal Strangulation Is a Critical Warning Sign in Abuse Cases

By
Angie Doel
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non-fatal strangulation

Non-fatal strangulation is a very serious form of violence that is often used to assert control and fear. It is one of the most dangerous forms of abuse and is predictor of escalation and future lethal violence

What Is Non-Fatal Strangulation?

Non-fatal strangulation occurs when someone compresses the neck in any way, cutting off oxygen or blood flow to the brain. This can happen through choking a person with hands, ropes, or other objects. Even if you don’t have visible injuries, the act can cause internal damage or long-term health issues like memory problems, headaches, difficulty speaking, or stroke.

Victims may not always realize the severity of their symptoms. Many experience dizziness, confusion, or a sore throat and believe it will pass. However, strangulation can have lasting effects on your body, even without bruises or external signs​. Seeking medical help is crucial.

Strangulation in Controlling Relationships

Strangulation is not just a physical act of violence—it also serves as a powerful tool of control and terror. Unlike other forms of abuse, strangulation creates an immediate sense of life-or-death helplessness, allowing the abuser to dominate the victim psychologically as well as physically. There are several reasons why abusers use this terrifying method:

  1. Exerting Ultimate Control and Power: Strangulation is a way for the abuser to demonstrate they have total control over the victim’s life. Holding someone’s airway for even a few seconds instills fear and reinforces the message: “Your life is in my hands.” It symbolizes complete dominance, leaving the victim feeling powerless and fearful.
  2. Abuse Without Visible Evidence: Non-fatal strangulation often leaves minimal external marks, making it difficult to detect or prove in medical exams. Abusers may strangle their partners knowing there will be fewer physical signs, reducing the chances of legal consequences. This stealth factor reinforces the abuser’s belief that they can act with impunity.
  3. Silencing the Victim: Strangulation sends the message: “Do what I say, stay silent or else.” It is frequently used during arguments or when the victim tries to resist or disclose the abuse. This method ensures the individual is too scared to speak up again, reinforcing their isolation and compliance.
  4. Punishment for Perceived Defiance: Many abusers perceive any form of resistance or independence as defiance. Strangulation can serve as an immediate punishment, a way to reassert dominance and ‘correct’ their partner’s behavior.
  5. Psychological Terror and Control Beyond Physical Harm: The experience of being strangled leaves lasting psychological damage. Survivors often experience flashbacks, nightmares, and a pervasive sense of terror long after the incident. The abuser uses strangulation as a psychological weapon to maintain control, knowing the fear will keep the individual compliant. It need only happen once to have these lasting effects.
  6. Testing Boundaries and Establishing Compliance: Strangulation is also a way for the abusive partner to test how far they can go. If the victim stays or doesn’t report the attack, the abuser interprets this as ‘permission’ to continue or escalate the abuse, making future incidents more severe.

The Dangers of Non-Fatal Strangulation

Survivors of non-fatal strangulation are at a higher risk for homicide. IFAS’s analysis of 74 cases found that over half of the victims were later killed by the same perpetrator​. Glass et al. (2008) showed that women who had been strangled by an intimate partner were 750% more likely to be killed than other victims of domestic violence. This makes it essential to take any strangulation incident seriously and prioritize your safety.

Strangulation also has long-term health consequences. It can result in brain damage, miscarriages, PTSD, and chronic health issues like seizures. Emotional impacts such as fear, anxiety, and depression are also common. Many survivors live with the trauma of feeling their life was in the hands of another person.

Countries around the world are recognizing the need for stricter laws around non-fatal strangulation. In the UK, the Domestic Abuse Act of 2021 made non-fatal strangulation a specific offense, punishable by up to five years in prison. In the U.S., many states have introduced similar legislation, treating strangulation as a felony to reflect its danger and seriousness. These laws are intended to increase accountability and provide better protection for survivors.

The Importance of Seeking Help

If a partner or ex-partner has strangled you, your safety is the top priority. Here are the steps you can take:

Seek Medical Help: Even if you don’t have visible injuries, seek medical assistance. The medical facility will assess for internal injuries and create medical records, which are helpful if you choose to report the incident​.

Document the Incident: If possible, write down what happened, including dates, details, and how you felt physically and emotionally. Take photos of any marks that might appear in the hours or days after the incident, no matter how slight.

Report the Incident: Strangulation is a serious crime. In many places, it is now recognized as a stand-alone offense. Reporting the incident can help hold the abuser accountable and protect you from further harm.

Non-fatal strangulation is a dangerous and underrecognized form of domestic abuse that demands immediate attention. While it can leave few visible signs, the risks it poses to your health and safety are profound. Taking steps to protect yourself, seeking medical care, and connecting with supportive services can make all the difference in breaking free from the cycle of abuse.

References

Glass, N., Laughon, K., Campbell, J., Block, C. R., Hanson, G., & Sharps, P. W. (2008). Non-fatal strangulation is an important risk factor for homicide of women. Journal of Emergency Medicine, 35(3), 329-335.

Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. Oxford University Press.

Wilbur, L., Higley, M., Hatfield, J., Surprenant, Z., Taliaferro, E., & Smith, D. (2001). Survey results of women who have been strangled while in abusive relationships. Journal of Emergency Medicine, 21(3), 297-302.

Top Image: Non-fatal strangulation can lead to severe long-term health issues and is a high-risk indicator for future violence. Source: doidam10 / Adobe Stock

Double Standards in Controlling Relationships: How Abusers Enforce Unfair Rules to Maintain Power

By
Samara Knight
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double standards in controlling relationships

Double standards are a hallmark of controlling relationships, creating a dynamic where one person enforces contradictory and unfair rules to maintain dominance. These tactics leave their partner grappling with the emotional strain of living under a system designed to undermine them. In this article, survivors share their experiences of navigating double standards, revealing the deep frustration, confusion, and pain they endured.

One-Sided Rules That Serve Only the Abuser

In controlling relationships, the rules are always skewed in favor of the abuser. Their partner is expected to meet impossible expectations while the abuser feels entitled to act however they want without explanation or consequence.

  • “He would get so angry if he had to wait at the curb at the airport for a few minutes. But it was OK if I had to circle the airport over and over before he was at the curb for pickup.”
  • “I had to communicate better, yet they sucked at communication. I had to do so much for them, yet the couple things I asked for weren’t even acknowledged or considered.”
  • “He could go anywhere without telling me, yet I would have to disclose every place I was going to and while I was there.”

Living with these double standards is exhausting. One person feels trapped in a cycle of constantly striving to meet impossible demands, while the other blatantly ignores the very rules they enforce. It’s a dynamic designed to strip away autonomy and leave one partner feeling powerless.

Money as a Tool for Control

Finances often become a weapon in controlling relationships. Abusers tightly manage money, granting themselves financial freedom while denying their partner even the smallest financial independence.

  • “His money was his money. My money was our money.”
  • “When married, my now ex-husband said his bonus was only for himself and not for joint purchases or expenses. Then when I got a bonus, I spent it on myself… and he was furious! But it was his stated policy!”
  • “He had ‘budgets’ for his free time. He didn’t even allow provisional sums for clothing or hobbies for me and the children.”

By controlling every aspect of the household finances, abusers reinforce dependency. This financial stranglehold keeps their partner stuck, unable to regain their independence or establish a way out.

Restricting Social Freedoms

Isolation is another way abusers use double standards to maintain control. While they enjoy unrestricted social lives, their partners are placed under tight rules about who they can see and how often.

  • “He could keep in contact with any female from his past, including ones he had been intimate with. I had to stop all communication and delete any male who was not related to me, even lifelong friends.”
  • “I wasn’t allowed to look at any of his social media without it starting a fight, while he had people screenshotting mine for him.”

This kind of control not only isolates but creates an environment of fear and guilt. One partner is left feeling cut off from their support network while the abuser freely engages with others without restriction.

Fidelity Rules That Don’t Apply to Both

Double standards around fidelity are one of the most painful aspects of controlling relationships. Often, one partner is held to impossible standards of loyalty while the abuser feels entitled to act however they want.

  • “I can barely speak to any woman without being accused of adultery. Yet she failed to accept my exasperation when listening to her telling me how she and a male colleague had thoroughly enjoyed the spa facilities on a recent overnight business trip together!”
  • “He was mid-affair with a woman in the UK. I was trying to work out if I should stay or go, so I asked if he still wanted me. He said he did. Then he took me for a drive and asked me not to see any other men.”

These contradictions are devastating, undermining trust and leaving one partner constantly questioning themselves while the abuser disregards the very rules they enforce.

Parenting: A One-Way Street

Parenting responsibilities often become another arena for manipulation. Controlling partners create parenting rules that suit their needs while severely limiting their partner’s ability to parent freely.

  • “I can take our daughter to get ice cream; you cannot.”
  • “ He could interact with his family as much as he wanted, but I wasn’t allowed to see my dad, and he was always watching and eavesdropping whenever my mom visited. His family could use our home as if it were their own—for example, his stepmom could wash her clothes when they visited. However, my mother, who was helping me after my C-section, wasn’t allowed to use the washing machine to wash her clothes.”

These manipulative tactics disrupt family harmony and often drive a wedge between the children and the safe parent, leaving everyone caught in the abuser’s web of control.

Everyday Contradictions

Double standards often creep into even the smallest, most mundane parts of daily life, creating a constant reminder of who holds the power.

  • “Not allowed music on if we were all in the car. But if he went out, he had it blaring the minute he turned the key—full volume, letting me know he was in charge.”
  • “You better be there the exact moment they need you, but you have to wait on them at their earliest convenience.”
  • “He would yell, but I couldn’t raise my voice.”

These constant, everyday imbalances erode a person’s sense of self, leaving them feeling small, silenced, and entirely controlled.

Projection and Paranoia

Projection is another common tactic in controlling relationships. Abusers deflect responsibility for their own actions by accusing their partner of behaviors they themselves are guilty of.

  • “Having conversations with other people—he would freak out if he wasn’t privy. It automatically became a cheating scenario… regardless of the sex of the other person. It was insecurities and projection.”
  • “He could hook up in hotel rooms. I couldn’t even text with the opposite sex without getting punched in the head.”

This blame-shifting keeps the partner on the defensive, constantly justifying their actions while the abuser avoids accountability.

Recognizing Double Standards in Abusive Relationships

Realizing the double standards in controlling relationships is a critical step toward reclaiming autonomy. Many individuals describe moments of clarity when they saw the contradictions for what they truly were.

These rules were never about fairness or respect—they were about power. Once you understand this, it can be painful, but it’s also the first step toward breaking free. Healing takes time, but it is possible to rebuild a life of respect, equality, and freedom from control.

Featured Image: Double standards are common in controlling and abusive relationships. Source: Jesse Bettencourt/peopleimages.com / Adobe Stock

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.  

When Intimacy Becomes a Weapon: Revenge Porn as a Tool of Coercive Control

By
Angie Doel
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revenge porn

Revenge porn has emerged as a powerful and devastating tool for coercive control in abusive relationships. Defined as the non-consensual sharing of intimate images, revenge porn has severe psychological, social, and even economic consequences for victims. It is particularly insidious as it preys on a person’s vulnerability, trust, and privacy, turning intimate moments into a weapon of fear, manipulation, and control.

While revenge porn was initially treated as a form of harassment or invasion of privacy, laws are increasingly addressing it as a standalone offense, recognizing the unique harm it inflicts and the urgent need for legal protection.

How Revenge Porn Becomes a Tool of Coercive Control in Relationships

Coercive control involves a pattern of manipulation, intimidation, and restriction to control an individual. Rather than relying on physical violence, abusers use psychological tactics to dominate their partner’s life, dictating their behavior, limiting their social interactions, and undermining their independence. Revenge porn is a highly effective tool in this arsenal, allowing abusers to maintain power through the constant threat of exposure.

Revenge porn is a form of blackmail, as abusers coerce their partner into staying in the relationship, complying with demands, or tolerating other forms of abuse by threatening to release intimate photos or videos. Even if the individual has physically left the relationship, the fear that these images might surface can exert a powerful hold, influencing their actions, decisions, and sense of safety.

Laws Addressing Revenge Porn as a Form of Coercive Control

The recognition of revenge porn as a form of domestic abuse has led to legal reforms worldwide. While many countries are still in the early stages of addressing this issue, several have taken proactive steps to protect victims and hold abusers accountable.

Legislation on revenge porn has historically lagged behind the rapid rise of digital abuse tactics. However, in recent years, there has been an acknowledgment of the specific harm that revenge porn inflicts, and countries are moving toward enacting laws to protect victims and criminalize the act.

In the UK, the Domestic Abuse Act of 2021 marked a significant advancement in the legal landscape regarding revenge porn. This legislation expanded the definition of revenge porn to include the threat of sharing intimate images, even if those images are never actually released. By broadening the scope of the offense, the UK has recognized the profound psychological toll that the threat of exposure can have on victims. This change is critical because it captures the reality that the fear of having one’s privacy violated can be as damaging as the actual act of exposure.

The UK’s extension of the revenge porn law to include threats acknowledges the role that this tactic plays in coercive control. It criminalizes an abuser’s attempts to leverage their partner’s intimate images as a form of manipulation.

In Australia, the Enhancing Online Safety Act (2015) and the Criminal Code Amendment (Intimate Images) Act (2018) both prohibit the sharing of intimate images without consent, and offenders can face significant fines or jail time. The Australian government has also established the Office of the eSafety Commissioner to provide support and resources for victims of online abuse, including revenge porn.

In the United States, revenge porn laws vary by state, but a growing number of states have introduced legislation criminalizing the non-consensual sharing of intimate images. California was the first state to enact such a law in 2013, with others following suit. Federal legislation has been slower to emerge, with the SHIELD Act (Stopping Harmful Image Exploitation and Limiting Distribution) still awaiting passage as a federal law.

The European Union has also taken a stand against digital abuse through the General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR), which grants individuals greater control over their personal information, including images. While not specifically targeting revenge porn, GDPR’s provisions around data protection can provide some recourse for victims who wish to have intimate images removed from online platforms.

Challenges in Prosecuting Revenge Porn Cases

Despite legal progress, prosecuting revenge porn cases remains challenging. Law enforcement agencies often lack the resources to investigate digital abuse cases thoroughly, and victims may hesitate to come forward due to embarrassment, shame, and fear of retaliation. Since revenge porn is frequently used as a tool for control within intimate relationships, individuals may face additional difficulties proving that the abuse was coercive and intentional.

Legal systems must continue refining their approach to digital abuse and coercive control to address these challenges. Integrating psychological expertise and victim support into law enforcement processes can make it easier for victims to seek justice. Increasing public awareness around the issue of revenge porn can help reduce stigma and create a more supportive environment for those affected.

The effects of revenge porn go beyond the initial shock and humiliation. Individuals often experience long-term trauma, struggling with trust issues, shame, and a deep sense of violation. The knowledge that someone has weaponized intimate moments against them can also lead to anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). In some tragic cases, victims have committed suicide.

As laws evolve to address revenge porn and coercive control more comprehensively, society needs to continue challenging the cultural stigma around these issues. Recognizing revenge porn as a form of abuse is not only a step toward justice for victims but also a testament to the changing understanding of how psychological manipulation can devastate lives. With continued advocacy, awareness, and legal progress, there is hope for a future in which victims of revenge porn can reclaim their safety and dignity.

References

Domestic Abuse Act, UK (2021). Available at: https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2021/17/enacted

eSafety Commissioner (2023). Image-Based Abuse, Government of Australia. Retrieved from: https://www.esafety.gov.au

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (2023). Revenge Porn and Digital Abuse, NCADV. Retrieved from: https://ncadv.org/revenge-porn

Featured Image: Revenge porn can have severe psychological, social, and economic consequences for victims.  Source: Marco / Adobe Stock

False Love: Manipulative Affection in Abusive Relationships

By
Charlotte Bragg
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manipulative affection

Love is generally celebrated as a source of joy and connection. It’s considered to be the foundation for healthy relationships, a force that heals, strengthens, and brings people closer together. But love can also be misused and twisted into a tool for manipulation, control, and harm. This darker side of love is seldom discussed, yet it plays a significant role in abusive relationships.

When love is used as a weapon, it’s not about care or partnership. Instead, it becomes a calculated strategy designed to manipulate, dominate, and confuse. An abusive partner may use grand gestures, romantic promises, or declarations of love not to foster intimacy, but to disarm their victim, obscure their harmful behavior, and maintain power.

Love Bombing: A Tactic in Manipulative Relationships

One of the most common ways love is weaponized is through love bombing. This tactic involves overwhelming a partner with excessive affection, compliments, and grandiose gestures, creating a whirlwind romance that can feel intoxicating. For example, an abuser might bombard their partner with messages professing undying love, showering them with gifts, or planning elaborate surprises. They may push for rapid commitment, saying things like:

  • “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”
  • “You’re my soulmate; we’re meant to be together.”
  • “I can’t live without you.”

On the surface, this can appear to be a sign of deep affection, however it’s often a manipulative strategy designed to break down boundaries quickly. Abusers know that intense displays of love can make their partner feel cherished and committed. However, this strategy is rarely about genuine connection. It’s a tool to gain control, ensuring their partner becomes emotionally invested and less likely to notice red flags. By fostering intense emotional attachment early on, the abuser gains control and creates a dependency that can be difficult for a victim to escape.

Later in the relationship, love bombing often resurfaces as part of the cycle of abuse. Following an incident of harm, the abuser might flood their partner with apologies, romantic gestures, or promises of change, convincing them to stay. These periods of affection create emotional confusion, leaving the person questioning whether their partner is truly abusive or simply flawed and capable of improvement.

The Push-Pull Effect

Abusers don’t rely on love bombing alone. Once they feel secure in their control, they often alternate between acts of affection and incidents of abuse, One moment, the abuser might be kind, attentive, and loving, and the next, they’re distant, controlling, or cruel, creating a push-pull dynamic that leaves victims reeling.

For instance, after an intense argument or physical aggression, the abuser might suddenly become tender and apologetic, offering heartfelt apologies or physical affection. But these acts of kindness are rarely genuine attempts at reconciliation, they are simply part of a pattern designed to keep a victim emotionally tethered.

This push-pull dynamic keeps individuals in a constant state of confusion. During moments of tenderness, they may feel reassured that their partner truly cares for them, and they may cling to these moments, believing they represent the abuser’s ‘true self’. When abuse resurfaces, they may rationalize it as a temporary lapse, holding onto the hope that the loving side of their partner will return for good.

Over time, this cycle creates a deep emotional dependency. The moments of affection are strategically placed to keep the person in the relationship, while the abuse works to erode their confidence and autonomy. The kind words and romantic gestures that follow abuse make it difficult to see the harm for what it is: a deliberate and cyclical tactic to maintain control.

Control Disguised as “Love” and “Protection”

Perpetrators also use declarations of love as attempts to justify their controlling behavior. By framing their need for dominance as an act of care, they may convince their partner that restrictions or rules are for their benefit.

For instance, an abuser might say: “I don’t want you talking to that friend because they don’t really care about you like I do” or “you don’t need to work; I’ll take care of everything. I just want to keep you safe”. Such statements create the illusion of concern, but they are actually about control. By isolating their partner from friends, dictating their choices, or undermining their independence, the abuser consolidates power while making their partner feel dependent and protected.

This manipulation often extends into every aspect of life, with the abuser taking over finances, decision-making, and even the other person’s sense of self. Because these actions are framed as acts of love, it can be difficult for victims to recognize them as abuse.

The Illusion of Change: Love as a Reset Button

Abusers frequently use love to “reset” the relationship after episodes of harm. When their partner begins to pull away or set boundaries, they might make heartfelt promises of change or grand gestures of affection.

Common tactics include:

  • Sending flowers or gifts after an argument.
  • Writing long, emotional apologies that emphasize their love.
  • Planning romantic outings or promising a better future together.

These acts can feel like proof that the abuser is capable of change. Victims often cling to this hope, believing that the relationship can return to its earlier, happier days. A perpetrator may also send flowers and gifts to the victim’s workplace, convincing others of their love and devotion, which reinforces the individual’s belief in their good intentions and makes it even harder to see the abuse for what it is. However, these promises are rarely genuine. Instead, they serve to re-establish control and prevent the person from leaving. The abuser invokes the positive memories of the relationship’s beginning, urging their partner to “work through this rough patch” in the hope of recapturing those early moments of bliss.

Weaponized Nostalgia: Romanticizing the Past

One of the most insidious ways love is used as a weapon is through nostalgia. Abusers often romanticize the past, reminding their partner of how good things were in the beginning. They might say:

  • “Remember how happy we were when we first got together?”
  • “I just want to get back to the way we used to be.”
  • “I know I’ve made mistakes, but we can have that love again if we just try.”

This manipulation keeps the victim focused on an idealized version of the relationship, blinding them to the harm they’re currently experiencing. By constantly dangling the promise of a better future, the abuser ensures their partner remains invested, even when the relationship is deeply damaging.

When Love Hurts, It’s Not Love

Love is meant to nurture, protect, and uplift—not to dominate, confuse, or control. When love is weaponized, it becomes a tool of abuse that traps victims in a cycle of hope and harm.

If you find yourself questioning whether your partner’s affection is genuine or manipulative, remember this: true love respects your boundaries, supports your independence, and makes you feel safe. Anything less is not love and is, instead, a weapon designed to keep you under control.

References

Lisa Aronson Fontes Ph.D. (2020), Not Falling for That! Resisting control Disguised as Love. Psychology Today.

Lisa Aronson Fontes Ph.D. & Laura Marjorie MillerMar (2020), Resisting Control When It’s Disguised as Love. domesticshelters.org.

Solace (2021), Love bombing: Affection today. Abuse tomorrow. Solace.

Featured Image: In a manipulative relationship, love can be used as a tool to control, confuse and harm. Source: maxbelchenko / Adobe Stock

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