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Financial Abuse: How Abusers Use Money to Manipulate and Control

By
Samara Knight
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financial abuse

Financial abuse is a form of domestic abuse where one partner uses money and financial resources to exert control and power over the other. This insidious form of abuse is often overlooked but can have devastating impacts on the victim’s independence and well-being. Financial abuse can occur during a relationship and persist even after separation, creating significant barriers for the victim to leave and rebuild their life.

Understanding Financial Abuse in Relationships

According to UK charity, Surviving Economic Abuse, one in every five women in the UK has experienced financial abuse by a current or former partner. It typically occurs alongside other forms of domestic abuse, such as coercive control.

During a marriage or partnership, financial abuse can manifest in numerous ways:

  • Restricting Access to Bank Accounts: An abuser may keep sole control of the finances, preventing their partner from accessing money or making financial decisions. For instance, some victims may have to ask for money every time they need to buy groceries or clothes for their children. One woman shared with me how she needed to ask permission every time she needed formula milk for their baby. This level of control leaves the victim feeling utterly powerless and dependent.
  • Controlling Household Finances: This might involve giving the victim an allowance and monitoring every penny spent. Some victims may have to follow a strict weekly budget and provide receipts for everything they buy. Any deviation from the budget could result in severe consequences, such as withholding money for basic necessities. My husband would tell me to spend less on the food bills. Meanwhile, he would spend large amounts of money on his personal hobbies, such as remote control cars and model boats.
  • Stealing Money or Assets: Abusers might secretly take out several credit cards in their partner’s name and max them out, leaving the partner with enormous debt. This form of financial sabotage can destroy the victim’s credit score and financial stability.
  • Forcing Partners to Hand Over Paychecks: Some victims work full-time but never see a cent of their earnings because their abuser demands they deposit their paycheck into the abuser’s account. This leaves the victim with no money of their own and completely dependent on the abuser for any financial needs.
  • Sabotaging Work Opportunities: Abusers may prevent their partners from going to work or advancing in their careers. When the abuse extends beyond finances to include control over all economic resources and opportunities, it is referred to as economic abuse. One woman reported to me that her husband threw a mug of coffee all over her clothes just as she was leaving for a job interview. Some victims may be forced to stay home to cater to their abuser’s needs, causing them to miss important meetings and jeopardize their job security.
  • Running Up Debt on Joint Accounts: Abusers may run up large amounts of debt on joint accounts and take out loans in their partner’s name. These actions leave the victim with financial burdens that are difficult to escape.
  • Refusing to Work or Contribute Financially: Some abusers refuse to get a job and insist that their partner support them both, while they control how the household income is spent, leaving the victim with no financial autonomy.
  • Forcing Partners to Commit Financial Fraud: In some extreme cases, abusers might coerce their partners into signing fraudulent tax returns or other illegal financial documents, leaving the victim to face potential legal consequences.
  • Limiting Access to Financial Information: The abuser might handle all the bills, investments, and banking, keeping the victim in the dark about their financial situation. Some victims are left unaware of their financial standing and completely dependent on the abuser. When I asked my then-husband for access to our accounts, he told me I had to ‘earn’ that right. He said I needed to prove my responsibility by regularly updating my phone and computer, and he would conduct weekly checks to ensure I was doing so.
  • Reckless Spending: Abusers may engage in reckless spending on gambling, alcohol, drugs, or have a spending addiction, depleting shared resources and leaving the victim financially insecure and stressed about covering basic needs. My ex-husband lost all our business savings to a cryptocurrency scam, despite my warnings. He would also spend excessively whenever he was stressed, ordering endless gadgets, tools, and electronics.

The methods of financial abuse keep victims trapped because they lack the financial means to leave and support themselves. This is particularly challenging when children are involved. A parent may stay in an abusive relationship to ensure their children have a roof over their heads and food on the table. Without access to money, victims often feel they have no way out.

Financial Abuse Post-Separation

Financial abuse doesn’t necessarily end when the relationship does. Many abusers continue their manipulation by hiding assets during divorce proceedings. For example, they might transfer money to secret accounts and undervalue shared assets to reduce the victim’s share of the settlement, leaving them financially vulnerable.

Exhausting the partner financially through legal abuse is another tactic. An abuser might drag out divorce proceedings, file frivolous lawsuits, or constantly change custody arrangements to rack up legal fees. Many victims find themselves spending thousands on legal fees fighting relentless court battles, draining their savings and causing immense stress.

Refusing financial support for children is another method. After separation, some abusers refuse to pay child support, or they work cash-in-hand jobs and underreport their income to reduce payments. They do this knowing it will strain the victim’s finances and affect their ability to care for the children.

Combatting Financial Abuse

Addressing financial abuse requires action at multiple levels. At the government level, stricter laws and regulations are needed to protect victims. Policies that ensure fair distribution of assets during divorce and stronger enforcement of child support payments can provide significant relief.

In a landmark announcement earlier this year, the UK Home Office unveiled a new initiative to provide financial aid to victims of domestic abuse, aiming to offer them a safe escape from harmful situations. As of January 31, 2024, domestic abuse victims can avail of £500 to cover emergency expenses when they leave an abusive relationship. They can also apply for a one-time payment of up to £2,500 to get them started in establishing an independent future.

In Australia, the government has committed $5.1 million over five years to study non-compliance and how to help parents if private financial arrangements break down. This investment aims to ensure that compliance with child support payments is strictly enforced.

Socially, increasing awareness about financial abuse is crucial. Educational programs can help people recognize the signs and understand their rights. Support groups and financial counseling services for survivors can provide the necessary tools to regain financial independence.

The Centre for Women’s Economic Safety in Australia offers free Money Clinics for women experiencing financial abuse, who are concerned about their finances in the context of domestic violence. In the UK, Surviving Economic Abuse works in partnership with frontline organizations that directly support victim-survivors so they can identify and respond to economic abuse.

On a personal level, victims can take steps to protect themselves. Keeping copies of financial documents, maintaining a secret bank account, and seeking legal advice can help. It’s also important to build a support network of friends, family, and professionals who can provide assistance and guidance.

Conclusion

Financial abuse is a powerful tool used by abusers to control and manipulate their partners, leaving lasting impacts on their lives. Recognizing the signs and understanding the various methods used is the first step in combatting this form of abuse. Through collective efforts at the governmental, social, and personal levels, we can provide victims with the resources and support they need to escape and rebuild their lives.

Featured image: Financial abuse. Source: Lightfield Studios / Adobe Stock.

Short Film ‘Gaslighting’ Portrays Reality of Psychological Abuse (Video)

By
Samara Knight
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Short film Gaslighting

The short film “GASLIGHTING” by Qbit Films realistically captures the disturbing reality of psychological abuse through its portrayal of a controlling and manipulative relationship. Throughout the narrative, we see the abuser employ classic gaslighting techniques to destabilize and control his partner.

The protagonist is subjected to relentless guilt-shaming, projection, and confusing behavior, leaving her in a constant state of self-doubt.  Her attempts to address the issues are met with further hostility and blame, effectively trapping her in a cycle of emotional and psychological abuse.

As the film progresses, the victim is pushed to her breaking point by the abuser’s relentless provocations. Overwhelmed by the constant emotional assault, she smashes a plate in fury. This aligns with real-life scenarios where victims, driven to their limits, sometimes react aggressively themselves. Known as ‘reactive abuse’, these actions can be used to further blame and control them.

Unlike many portrayals of abuse, where victims are depicted as passive and weak, “GASLIGHTING” presents a more accurate and empowering narrative. The protagonist is shown as a strong and assertive woman who constantly tries to stand up for herself despite the ongoing manipulation and abuse. This reflects the reality for many victims who are not merely passive sufferers but are actively engaged in fighting for their dignity and autonomy.

The film’s portrayal of the victim’s resilience, and ultimate reclaiming of her power, provides a powerful counter-narrative to the often one-dimensional depictions of abuse survivors.

Featured image: Gaslighting by Qbit Films. Source: YouTube Screenshot / Qbit Films.

Man Who Violently Assaulted His Girlfriend Walks Free in Ireland

By
Samara Knight
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Colin Curtis

In a decision that should attract outrage, 38-year-old Colin Curtis from Crusheen, Co Clare, Ireland, has been handed a suspended sentence for a brutal assault on his then-girlfriend. Judge Francis Comerford, presiding at Ennis Circuit Court, sentenced Curtis to two years and six months in prison, but the term is suspended, meaning Curtis will only serve jail time if he breaches court orders or commits further offenses.

Colin Curtis Tells His Girlfriend She Will Leave the House Dead

Breaking News Ireland reports that Colin Curtis’s attack occurred on May 26, 2023, at an apartment on Parnell Street, Ennis. During a vodka-fueled assault, Curtis violently restrained his girlfriend and threatened her life, telling her, “You are not leaving this house b**ch until you are dead.” The assault lasted for an hour and left the victim with multiple injuries, including bruises on her head, neck, arms, and legs.

Counsel for the State, Lorcan Connolly SC, reported that the victim presented herself at the local Garda station at 11:55 PM on the night of the attack, visibly injured and distressed. Connolly detailed the extent of the victim’s injuries, including a lump on her forehead, swelling on both sides of her jaw, and various bruises. “The woman described Mr. Curtis punching her in the face and pulling her around the sitting room ‘like a rag doll,’” Connolly said [via Breaking News].

Judge’s Rationale Behind the Suspended Sentence

Despite describing Curtis’s actions as a “horrendous assault” that “terrorised” the victim, Judge Comerford imposed a suspended sentence based on “exceptional circumstances.”

In his remarks, Judge Comerford stated that Curtis had shown remorse and was taking steps to address his alcohol addiction.

What Judge Comerford seems not to realize is that, while alcohol abuse may exacerbate violence, it does not cause it. A state of intoxication simply shows more of who they already are.

Curtis’s legal counsel, Patrick Whyms BL, argued that Curtis was genuinely remorseful and had made significant efforts to reform his behavior. Whyms presented character references from Curtis’s current partner and an unnamed employer, who described him as “friendly, polite, and always willing to go the extra mile.”

According to Whyms, Curtis had stopped drinking and using drugs and was working to rebuild his life. His victim is likely to face significantly greater challenges in ‘rebuilding’ and recovering from her ordeal.

Victims Are Tired of the Same Narrative

A recurring frustration among victims of domestic violence, and the organizations that protect them, is the predictable narrative that accompanies cases involving abusers like Colin Curtis.

Every time we see an abuser in court, they’re quick to apologize and present themselves as someone who made a ‘mistake’ rather than someone who repeatedly terrorized their partner. The reality is that these so-called ‘nice’ and ‘friendly’ individuals are the same ones who commit heinous acts of violence behind closed doors. Public facades of respectability do not erase the brutality experienced by their victims.

The narrative masks the true nature of domestic violence. It implies that abusive behavior is an anomaly in an otherwise commendable character, rather than an inherent aspect of the abuser’s personality.

Irish Judicial System’s Handling of Gender-Based Violence

The controversial decision comes just one month after a suspended sentence was handed to Cathal Crotty, a 22-year-old soldier in the Irish Defence Forces who beat a woman unconscious in Limerick. Crotty had also been described in court as an upstanding citizen of good character.

The incident, which took place on May 28, 2022, saw Crotty attack Natasha O’Brien, 24, without provocation. The suspended sentence sparked widespread outrage and protests across the country. Protests revealed fury around the decision, which reveals systemic issues within the judicial system regarding the treatment of gender-based violence cases.

The suspended sentence handed to Colin Curtis has not only failed to provide justice for the victim but has also cast a shadow on the judicial system’s approach to domestic violence cases. It reveals a troubling leniency towards perpetrators of violence and reflects a systemic failure to protect victims and address their needs adequately. Women are being let down by a legal system that appears more inclined to mitigate the consequences for abusers than to support those who suffer from their violence.

Featured image: Colin Curtis leaving court after the verdict. Source: Breakingnews.ie.

Navigating the Darkness: Leslie’s Story of Overcoming Coercive Control

By
Samara Knight
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Leslie's story of coercive control

Leslie’s story begins in her early twenties, a time she recalls with a mix of nostalgia and regret. At 24, Leslie was navigating life post-college when she crossed paths with a man outside a hair salon. Initially, their interaction seemed innocent and typical; he was charming, and they quickly connected. Leslie, intrigued by his demeanor, exchanged numbers with him.

As Leslie and her new acquaintance began dating, she was swept off her feet. Leslie was enchanted by his attentiveness and the way he wined and dined her, a pattern known as love bombing. She overlooked the fact that he was 15 years older than her, convinced that their connection was genuine. But his initial charm soon began to morph into something darker.

Early Signs of Control

The relationship, at first, appeared to be a standard romance. However, early signs of manipulation soon emerged. One significant incident during a dinner outing revealed his volatile nature. When Leslie, struggling with spicy food, coughed repeatedly, her date erupted in rage at the restaurant staff. His outburst, which ended in the restaurant owner asking them to leave, was the first sign of his unstable temperament.

Leslie, despite feeling uncomfortable, dismissed this incident as an isolated event. The manipulation gradually intensified. He began to control various aspects of Leslie’s life, starting with her social interactions. He discouraged her from seeing friends, particularly a close male friend from college, and undermined her relationship with her mother. Soon Leslie found herself isolating from those she cared about, not recognizing the red flags as they appeared.

Another red flag appeared when he lost his car. Leslie initially believed it was a minor inconvenience, but this was part of a larger pattern of dependence and manipulation. He soon began using her car and finances more heavily, creating a growing sense of entitlement and control.

From Control to Abuse

As their relationship progressed, Leslie’s partner’s manipulative tactics became more overt. He began to spend more time at her place and eventually moved in without discussion. The transition from being a partner to a cohabitant was abrupt, catching Leslie off guard. Her money, which she had been diligently saving, started to support him as he lost his job and became increasingly dependent on her.

It wasn’t long before the emotional abuse escalated to physical violence. A seemingly playful tap on his shoulder turned into a shocking moment when he backhanded Leslie, leaving her stunned and in pain. This incident, though minor compared to other forms of abuse, marked the beginning of a pattern of physical aggression. Leslie’s reality began to shift from occasional bursts of anger to a consistent, degrading treatment.

Financial and Emotional Collapse

Leslie’s world continued to unravel as her partner’s behavior became increasingly erratic. His addiction to drugs further complicated their lives. He began hiding drugs in their home, and when Leslie discovered and disposed of them, his reaction was one of violent anger. He manipulated her into believing she owed him money to replace the drugs, further tightening his control over her.

This period marked Leslie’s deepest descent into emotional and financial turmoil. She found herself working multiple jobs to support both herself and him, all while being subjected to further abuse. Her life revolved around trying to meet his demands, leaving her isolated and financially strained.

The relationship’s end came when Leslie discovered her partner was unfaithful. This betrayal, coupled with the ongoing manipulation and abuse, was the final straw. Leslie decided to escape, initiating what she described as her “own witness protection program.” She changed her phone number, jobs, and even relocated to distance herself from him.

Reclaiming Her Life

Leslie’s escape marked the beginning of her recovery and empowerment. She rebuilt her life, focusing on her career and personal growth. Today, Leslie works in sales, a position she has held for 15 years, which she describes as both successful and fulfilling. Reflecting on her past, Leslie now recognizes the signs of abuse and manipulation that once seemed normal.

Though she initially struggled to identify herself as a victim of abuse, Leslie’s journey has led her to a place of strength and clarity. She has learned to set boundaries and understand what a healthy relationship looks like. Leslie’s story is a powerful testament to the resilience and courage required to break free from coercive control and abuse.

Featured image: Leslie. Source: YouTube Screenshot / National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Crossbow Killer Paralyzed from Self-Inflicted Wound After Triple Murder

By
Samara Knight
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crossbow killer

Kyle Clifford, who is accused of murdering a BBC racing commentator’s wife and daughters, is reportedly paralyzed and may never walk again after shooting himself with a crossbow and severing his spinal cord. This development follows the brutal deaths of Clifford’s ex-girlfriend, Louise Hunt, 25, her sister, Hannah, 28, and her mother, Carol Hunt, 61, at their home in Bushey, Hertfordshire.

Crossbow Killer Went After Ex-Girlfriend

The Guardian reported that on the evening of Tuesday 9 July, Carol Hunt, 61, the wife of the BBC 5 Live commentator John Hunt, and their daughters Hannah, 28, and Louise, 25, were found fatally injured in their home, having been shot with a crossbow. CCTV footage captured Kyle Clifford leaving the Hunt residence with the crossbow wrapped in a white sheet. He has since become known as the ‘crossbow killer.’

Clifford allegedly exercised a manipulative and controlling grip over his ex-girlfriend, Louise, for six months before the horrifying triple murder. His actions included dictating her social activities, controlling what she could wear, and limiting her interactions with male friends. These behaviors are classic signs of coercive control, where the abuser seeks to undermine the victim’s autonomy and self-worth.

Coercive control can sometimes lead to more violent acts, and even murder, as seen in this tragic case. Findings from the NSW Domestic Violence Death Review Team revealed that between 2000 and 2018, 97% of intimate partner domestic violence homicides were preceded by the perpetrator using coercive control towards the victim

Clifford’s Attempted Suicide

After the murders, Clifford was discovered in a cemetery in Enfield, North London, with serious injuries. According to the Manchester Evening News, Clifford shot himself with a crossbow bolt, which may have severed his spinal cord. He was found unconscious by armed police and airlifted to the Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel. Medical experts have indicated that he is likely to be permanently paralyzed, a consequence of his desperate actions to avoid arrest.

Although he is now under police guard, Clifford has not been interrogated due to his condition. Hertfordshire Police have confirmed that the Major Crime Unit continues to investigate the murders but have refrained from commenting on Clifford’s medical state.

The Triple Murder and Community Impact

John Hunt, the BBC commentator and husband to Carol, has expressed the profound devastation caused by the loss of his family. He described the situation as a “horrid evil that’s swept through our lives” and praised his surviving daughter, Amy, for her strength and support during this trying time.

The community has been deeply affected by the loss of the Hunt family, mourning the deaths of three beloved individuals and grappling with the impact of the tragedy.

Featured image: Hannah Hunt, Louise Hunt, and Carol Hunter. Source: Facebook.

One in Four Domestic Abuse Cases Closed Without Action

By
Samara Knight
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domestic abuse cases closed
domestic abuse cases closed

A recent Sky News investigation in the UK reveals a troubling trend in domestic abuse cases: more victims are seeing their investigations closed due to lack of evidence, despite their desire to pursue justice. This trend is raising alarm among experts and advocates, who say it significantly undermines victim safety and justice.

Statistics Reflect a Rising Problem

Exclusive data obtained by Sky News through Freedom of Information requests to police forces in England and Wales shows a significant increase in cases where police investigations into domestic abuse are closed without further action. In 2019, 23% of domestic abuse cases were closed due to evidential difficulties. By 2023, this number had risen to 27%, reflecting a growing trend in cases ending without prosecution.

This classification, known as a Type 15 outcome, occurs when a crime is confirmed, and the victim supports police action, but “evidential issues” prevent the case from progressing. The statistics are striking: among the 29 police forces that provided data, the number of cases closed this way has grown significantly over the past four years.

Domestic abuse is an extremely prevalent crime in the UK and elsewhere. According to a recent report by the National Police Chiefs’ Council (NPCC) and the College of Policing, the police record nearly 3,000 calls relating to violence against women and girls each day.

Evidential Challenges in Domestic Abuse Cases

One of the key issues contributing to these closures is the challenge of meeting the high evidential threshold required for prosecution. Detective Inspector Adam Gascoigne of Derbyshire Constabulary’s high-risk domestic abuse unit explains: “The threshold that needs to be met to get cases to court is extremely high, and there must be a realistic prospect of conviction for the matter to proceed. Unfortunately, in some cases the evidence simply isn’t there to secure that, so the difficult decision has to be made that a matter is closed outcome 15, which means it does not proceed to court.”

This high threshold is particularly problematic in cases involving coercive control, a form of domestic abuse criminalized in 2015. Coercive control involves a pattern of behavior intended to control and dominate the victim, often including psychological and emotional abuse.

Coercive control cases are complex and challenging to prosecute, leading to a higher rate of Type 15 outcomes. In 2023, 34% of stalking and harassment cases, which included coercive control, were closed for evidential reasons, up from 30% in 2019.

Impact on Victims and the Justice System

The rising number of closed cases is having a profound impact on victims. Amy Bowdrey, policy and public affairs officer at domestic abuse support charity Refuge, remarks: “It speaks to what we as an organization hear from survivors all the time. Often at Refuge, we will encourage survivors to keep a paper trail of evidence. To know that in a large proportion of those cases that evidence is there, but the police just aren’t taking it seriously, is really, really concerning for us” [via Sky News]

The problem is compounded by workforce pressures and significant backlogs within the criminal justice system. The police workforce has grown by 36,000 since 2019, nearly restoring numbers to pre-austerity levels. However, the rise in reported crime has outpaced workforce growth, resulting in a 60% increase in the number of crimes recorded per police employee since 2010. Additionally, the courts continue to struggle with large caseload backlogs, which exacerbate delays and impact case outcomes.

Calls for Improved Coordination and Support

The National Police Chiefs’ Council (NPCC) acknowledges the need for improvement in handling domestic abuse cases. Assistant Commissioner Louisa Rolfe, NPCC Lead for Domestic Abuse, states: “Tackling domestic abuse is a priority for policing and we are committed to protecting victims, bringing perpetrators to justice, and preventing these horrific crimes. We have made vast improvements in the way that we respond to domestic abuse… But, we know that there is more to do to support victims and bring more perpetrators to justice” [via Sky News]

Efforts are underway to address these challenges through initiatives like the Domestic Abuse Joint Justice Plan, which aims to enhance collaboration between police and prosecutors to ensure stronger case files. As the situation evolves, it remains crucial to address these evidential and procedural challenges, ensuring that victims of domestic abuse receive the justice and protection they deserve.

Featured image: Domestic abuse victim. Source: Krakenimages.com / Adobe Stock.

Signs You Are Being Emotionally Abused by Your Partner

By
Samara Knight
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Signs you are being emotionally abused

No relationship is perfect and when one or both partners are dealing with stress, it is not uncommon for there to be arguing, shouting, name-calling and criticism. So how can you tell whether the difficulties you are facing in your relationship are normal, or whether you are being emotionally abused?

In her book, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing, internationally recognized therapist, Beverly Engel, outlines several criteria that distinguishes normal conflict from emotional abuse. These include whether it is constant, as opposed to occasional; whether the intent is to devalue, denigrate, control, or dominate; and whether there is an overall attitude of disrespect toward you.

“A wife who occasionally complains that her husband doesn’t make enough money isn’t necessarily being emotionally abusive,” Engel writes. “But if she constantly tells him he is stupid, lazy, and a failure because he does not make enough money, she is being abusive” (Engel, 2002, p. 39).

Signs You are Being Emotionally Abused

If you suspect that you are being emotionally abused, read through this check list and consider whether any of these factors apply to your relationship.

  • Your partner imposes rules you must follow or micromanages aspects of your daily life, such as what clothes you wear, what you eat, what hobbies you have, what work or study you do.
  • You feel as if your partner treats you like a child.
  • Your partner constantly corrects and chastises you.
  • You ask permissions before going somewhere or making minor decisions.
  • Your partner makes decisions that affect you without discussing them with you first.
  • You access to finances or the way you spend money is tightly controlled even though your partner spends freely on themselves.
  • You are treated as though you are inferior or not good enough.
  • Your partner compares you to others who are more intelligent, more educated, more fashionable, or ‘better’ than you in one way or another.
  • You are regularly insulted, dismissed, criticized or degraded.
  • Your partner does not respect your need for privacy and repeatedly crosses your boundaries.
  • Your partner monitors your communications, activity, or location.
  • You feel as though your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings don’t matter.
  • You hide what you think or feel because you are afraid of your partner’s reaction.
  • Your partner belittles your successes, aspirations, or plans for the future, or trivializes what is important to you.
  • Your partner demands obedience and orders you around.
  • Your partner plays mind games and deliberately does things to confuse you.
  • You feel intimidated, bullied, or harassed by your partner.
  • Your partner has double standards.
  • Your partner denies things they did or makes you feel that you are imagining things or recalling things incorrectly.
  • Your partner gets frustrated or angry when you are sick or injured.
  • Your partner will argue a point for so long that you become exhausted and relent.
  • Your partner constantly demands your time and attention.
  • Your partner twists your words and uses them against you.
  • You find yourself ‘walking on eggshells’ and being careful not to upset your partner.
  • You carefully monitor your partner’s mood before bringing up a subject.
  • Your partner emotionally blackmails you or threatens to reveal personal information about you to others.
  • You have become isolated from family and friends because your partner criticizes them, discourages contact, becomes jealous, or embarrasses you in front of them.
  • Your partner withdraws affection or gives you the silent treatment when they are upset with you.
  • Your partner tries to undermine or sabotage your relationship with your child or children.
  • Your partner lacks empathy and compassion with you.
  • Your partner uses guilt trips or shaming to get their way.
  • Your partner feels they are always right and regularly insists on getting their own way
  • Your partner tells you that you are too demanding when you ask for things and you feel guilty when you express your needs within the relationship.
  • You regularly feel misunderstood by your partner.
  • Your partner accuses you of flirting or cheating on them.
  • Your partner threatens to end the relationship or threatens self-harm or suicide if you don’t do what they want.
  • Your partner says things to upset or frighten you.
  • Your partner’s gifts or gestures come with conditions or expectations of reciprocity.
  • You feel that you can never please your partner and that nothing you do is right.
  • Your partner has frequent mood changes and can become easily enraged.
  • Your partner regularly insults your or makes fun of you in front of others.
  • You feel that you have to earn your partner’s affection or approval.
  • Your partner blames you for their own problems, feelings, or behavior.
  • Your partner rarely apologizes or admits when they are wrong.
  • Your partner pressures you to do things you are not comfortable with.

If half or more of these apply to your relationship, you are definitely being emotionally abused. However, if even a few of these features are present in your relationship, you may still be being emotionally abused.

“More than anything else, what characterizes an emotionally abusive relationship is a consistent pattern of hurtful, humiliating, and condescending behavior,” explains Engel (2002, p. 17).

Similarly, Brian Davenport, in his book Signs of Emotional Abuse: How to Recognize the Patterns of Narcissism, Manipulation, and Control in Your Love Relationship defines emotional abuse as “an ongoing pattern (not a one-off occurrence) of behavior and words meant to systematically diminish and confuse you” (Davenport, 2016, p. 7)

Realizing That You Are Being Emotionally Abused

Davenport (2016) explains that it is common for victims of emotional abuse to be confused about whether their partner’s behavior really is abusive.

“They know something is off. They know they’re in a lot of pain. But all too often, victims are reticent to call what’s happening in their relationship “abuse,” writes Davenport (2016, p. 1). “In fact, they are quick to blame themselves for their partner’s behaviors, or they look for logical reasons why this person who was once loving and kind (and may still be from time to time) can behave so hurtfully.”

Recognizing and acknowledging emotional abuse is the first, vital step towards reclaiming your life and well-being. Accepting that the person you love can be an abuser is painful, but it opens the door to healing and recovery.

By understanding the signs and patterns of emotional abuse, you can make informed decisions about your future, seek the necessary support, and start to rebuild your sense of self-worth and independence. Taking action, whether it involves setting boundaries, seeking professional help, or leaving the relationship, empowers you to break free from the cycle of abuse and move towards a healthier, happier future.

References

Davenport, B. (2016). Signs of Emotional Abuse: How to Recognize the Patterns of Narcissism, Manipulation, and Control in Your Love Relationship.

Engel, B. 2002. The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing. John Wiley & Sons, Hoboken, New Jersey.

Featured image: Are you being emotionally abused? Source: oatawa / Adobe Stock.

UK Police Declare Violence Against Women a National Emergency

By
Samara Knight
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Violence against women and girls (VAWG) in England and Wales has surged by nearly 40% over the past five years. This sharp increase has prompted police chiefs to declare it a “national emergency.” The National Police Chiefs’ Council (NPCC) estimates that around 2 million women fall victim to male violence annually, highlighting the severity of this crisis.

The Guardian reports that crimes such as stalking, harassment, sexual assault, and domestic violence now affect one in 12 women. The number of recorded offences has grown by 37% between 2018 and 2023, with perpetrators becoming younger. This information is part of the first national analysis of violence against women and girls by the NPCC.

Disturbing Statistics and Radicalization Concerns

The NPCC report reveals that 20% of all police-recorded crimes—over 1 million offences annually—are related to VAWG. These include sexual assault, stalking, harassment, domestic violence, and controlling and coercive behavior. The true number of offences is estimated to be double the recorded figures.

Maggie Blyth, the police national lead for VAWG, stated, “Violence against women and girls is a national emergency. We need the support and direction of government to intervene and address the current problems within the criminal justice system and lead the way on a whole-system approach to VAWG.” [via The Guardian]

Child sexual abuse and exploitation have increased by over 400% from 2013 to 2022. Offences by children make up 55.6% of the total. The average age of victims is 13, while suspects average 15 years old. The NPCC also expressed concerns about young men being radicalized online by influencers like Andrew Tate.

Government and Police Responses

Keir Starmer, the new prime minister, has vowed to halve violence against women and girls within a decade. He has initiated taskforces in each police force, including specialist domestic abuse workers responding to emergency calls. However, police chiefs acknowledge that many victims do not report crimes, meaning the actual number of victims could be significantly higher.

Louisa Rolfe, the national lead for domestic abuse, suggested that the real figure might be closer to 4 million victims annually. She pointed out the increasing prevalence of non-fatal strangulation among younger people. Rolfe attributes this to the influence of extreme online material. In addition, she notes that non-fatal strangulation has become more common among younger individuals. Research shows some men believe it’s a normal part of a sexual relationship, despite lacking women’s consent.

Harriet Wistrich from the Centre for Women’s Justice criticized the report for failing to sufficiently address the problem of police officers committing violence against women and girls. She stated that the NPCC report barely mentions police perpetrators of VAWG, which has significantly eroded victims’ trust in law enforcement.

The Role of Technology and Education

Part of the increase in violence against women and girls is driven by extreme content on the internet. Police have called for technology companies to act faster in removing harmful material. Clare Kelly, associate head of policy at the NSPCC, urged tech companies to stop boys from being targeted with misogynistic content.

“Tech companies must step up to stop boys from being targeted with vile misogynistic content and put safety measures in place to prevent grooming and sexual abuse proliferating their platforms,” stated Ms Kelly [via The Guardian].

Educational institutions also play a crucial role. Schools need support to deliver high-quality, inclusive, and relevant relationships and sex education. This is essential to create a culture where girls feel safe, heard, and empowered.

Addressing Systemic Challenges

The inefficiencies within the justice system exacerbate the issue, with delays in prosecuting domestic abuse cases often causing victims to withdraw their support for prosecutions. Blyth noted that the system is not functioning effectively due to significant delays. These delays erode trust in the legal process and leave victims feeling unsupported.

The government and police recognize that violence against women and girls should be treated as seriously as terrorism. They are committed to better training and reforms to bring more offenders to justice.

Jess Phillips, the safeguarding minister, stressed the urgency of the situation: “The scale of violence against women and girls in our country is intolerable and this government will treat it as the national emergency that it is.” [via The Guardian]

Featured image: Violence against women is a national emergency. Source: DavidPrado / Adobe Stock.

Amy Kaufman Speaks Out: The Reality of Domestic Abuse (Video)

By
Samara Knight
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Amy Kaufman

In this raw and honest video interview, Amy Kaufman shares her harrowing experience of domestic abuse and coercive control at the hands of her now ex-husband, Jonah Keri, a prominent Canadian sports journalist.

Amy details how the relationship, which began in 2016, started with ‘love bombing’ – a tactic often used by abusers. Initially, Keri showered her with attention, affection, and gifts, making her feel as though she was living a fairy tale. There were picnics, flowers, and hotel rooms filled with champagne, creating an illusion of the perfect romance. However, this façade quickly faded as Keri’s true nature emerged, leading Amy into a nightmare of control and violence.

The abuse escalated over time, with Keri taking over Amy’s finances under the guise of relieving her stress, thereby gaining further control over her life. Kaufman, who had confided in a few friends and family members, found herself too terrified to leave due to Keri’s threats. This form of manipulation and intimidation is a hallmark of coercive control, where the abuser systematically erodes the victim’s autonomy and instills fear to keep them trapped. Amy described her life during this period as being a prisoner, unable to see a way out due to the constant harassment and danger posed by Keri.

When Amy finally reported Keri to the police, she provided substantial evidence, including threatening messages, audio, and video recordings. This led to Keri pleading guilty to seven charges of assault, criminal harassment, and uttering death threats, covering incidents from July 2018 to January 2019. His subsequent 21-month sentence, Amy hopes, will offer some solace and encouragement to other survivors of domestic abuse and coercive control. By sharing her story, Amy aims to shed light on the insidious nature of coercive control and provide hope to those who are still trapped in similar situations.   

Featured image: Amy Kaufman. Source: YouTube Screenshot / Los Angeles Times.

Is Coercive Control a Crime? Exploring Laws Against Controlling Behavior

By
Samara Knight
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Is coercive control a crime?

Coercive control involves a pattern of behavior that abusers use to dominate and control their partners. It is often subtle and insidious, making it more difficult to detect – even victims themselves may not realize they are being abused. Coercive control frequently accompanies physical violence but it can be just as damaging in relationships without physical abuse.

In recent years, a number of jurisdictions have enacted laws to criminalize non-physical abuse, including coercive and controlling behavior. These laws focus on addressing ongoing patterns of harm rather than isolated incidents.

Traditionally, criminal law has treated repeated incidents of intimate partner violence (IPV) as individual events, addressing each separately through specific offences. This approach fails to capture the overall pattern of abuse and the long-term harm it inflicts.

However, there is now a growing recognition of coercive control as a form of domestic abuse that needs to be addressed legally. Several countries have introduced laws specifically targeting this behavior, while others are in the process of doing so.

Where is Coercive Control Illegal?

United Kingdom

The UK has been a pioneer in recognizing and criminalizing coercive control. In December 2015, England and Wales introduced the Serious Crime Act, which made coercive control a criminal offense. This law recognizes that abuse is not always physical and that it may encompass controlling behavior, verbal abuse, isolation, monitoring and stalking, emotional abuse, intimidation, or financial abuse.

The legislation was groundbreaking, acknowledging that the psychological harm caused by coercive control can be just as damaging as physical abuse. Scotland followed suit with the Domestic Abuse (Scotland) Act 2018, which also criminalizes coercive control.

While the UK’s coercive control laws sent a significant message and set a precedent for other countries to follow, actual conviction rates remain alarmingly low. According to the Office for National Statistics, in the year ending March 2020, there were 24,856 recorded coercive control offences in England and Wales. However, only 1,647 cases resulted in a charge or summons, highlighting the challenges in securing convictions.

Ireland

In Ireland, coercive control was criminalized under the Domestic Violence Act 2018, which came into effect on January 1, 2019. This legislation recognizes the severe impact of non-physical abuse and aims to protect victims from psychological harm. Under this law, individuals found guilty of coercive control can face significant penalties, including up to five years of imprisonment.

Australia

Coercive control is now a crime in two states of Australia. New South Wales recently passed laws that criminalize coercive control, which came into force on 1 July, 2024. This legislation, which carries penalties of up to seven years in prison, marks a crucial development in the state’s approach to addressing domestic violence.

The State of Queensland followed soon after, passing legislation to criminalize coercive control, which will come into effect in 2025. Queensland’s new legislation followed the tragic case of Hannah Clarke, who was murdered along with her three children by her estranged husband after enduring years of coercive control. Under the new laws, perpetrators of coercive control will face up to 14 years in prison if found guilty.

United States

Is coercive control illegal in the United States? The legal recognition of coercive control varies by state. California and Hawaii have specific laws against coercive control. In California, Senate Bill 1141, passed in 2020, defines coercive control as a pattern of behavior that unreasonably interferes with a person’s free will and personal liberty. Hawaii’s law similarly recognizes coercive control as a form of domestic abuse. Other states, including Connecticut and New York, are also working towards implementing legislation to address coercive control.

Canada

Canada is making strides towards recognizing coercive control within its legal framework. In June 2024, Members of Parliament unanimously voted to criminalize coercive control in Canada. This new legislation, introduced as a private member’s bill C-247 by New Democrat MP Laurel Collins, aims to address various forms of psychological manipulation and control within intimate relationships. While the bill is still under consideration, it represents a significant step forward in addressing coercive control in Canada.

Where Else is Coercive Control a Crime?

In several countries, amendments to domestic violence acts are being made to expand the definition of domestic abuse to include coercive and controlling behavior. For example, New Zealand’s Family Violence (Amendments) Act 2018, which took full effect on July 1, 2019, feature an updated definition of family violence that places greater emphasis on coercive and controlling behavior. This includes patterns of behavior, such as isolating a person from family members or friends, which consist of physical, sexual, and psychological abuse.

Additionally, in 2021, the European Court of Human Rights urged authorities to promptly revise the legal definition of domestic violence to encompass manifestations of controlling and coercive behavior. These amendments signify a critical shift towards acknowledging and addressing the full spectrum of abuse that victims may endure.

Challenges and Future Directions

While significant progress has been made in recognizing coercive control and making it a crime, challenges remain in ensuring laws are effectively implemented and enforced. Training for law enforcement officers, judges, and other professionals is essential to help them recognize and respond to coercive control appropriately. Without this education, new laws may not be applied effectively.

Proving coercive control in court poses significant challenges for victims. Since coercive control often involves psychological and emotional abuse rather than physical evidence, it can be difficult to provide concrete proof. Victims may struggle to gather evidence that demonstrates a pattern of controlling behavior, and abusers frequently manipulate situations to appear innocent. The lack of tangible evidence makes it challenging for victims to convince authorities and courts of their abuse.

Ensuring that victims feel safe and supported when coming forward is another critical challenge. Many victims fear retaliation from their abusers or lack trust in the legal system to protect them. Providing comprehensive support services, including safe housing, legal assistance, and counseling, is essential to help victims escape abusive situations and rebuild their lives.

Criminalizing coercive control changes how intimate partner violence is prosecuted by acknowledging the overall pattern of abuse, not just isolated incidents. This approach supports victims’ credibility and reveals the full extent of the abuser’s actions. Legal recognition of coercive control is vital for victims of non-physical abuse, providing better protection and increasing the likelihood of convicting abusers. It also helps the public, law enforcement, and judges understand the serious nature and damage of psychological abuse.

Featured image: Coercive control is a crime in many countries. Source: Gorodenkoff / Adobe Stock.

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