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What Abusers Want Their Partners to Sacrifice For Them

By
Samara Knight
-
Sacrifices in abusive relationships

Abusive relationships often operate on control, manipulation, and sacrifice—though not sacrifices that are mutually made for the benefit of the relationship. Instead, these sacrifices are one-sided, demanded by the abuser to serve their own needs and maintain power. For survivors, the list of what they’ve been asked—or forced—to give up for their abuser can be extensive, ranging from relationships and dreams to core aspects of their identity.

Here’s a closer look at the sacrifices that many survivors have shared, illuminating the profound costs of being in a controlling and abusive relationship.

Career Ambitions and Personal Growth

Abusers often feel threatened by their partner’s independence, whether it’s financial or intellectual. Many survivors report being pressured to give up their careers, education, and any form of self-improvement.

One survivor recalled: “I put my entire life and career on hold, so when he found a job after university, we could be in the same country. I made many decisions for ‘us’ knowing full well he’d never make the same sacrifice for me.” The emotional toll of knowing that their sacrifices will never be reciprocated is profound.

Another survivor recounted the heartbreaking moment of wanting to return to school: “I put him through medical school and residency then had 5 babies. I wanted to go back to college when they were all in school and he said no. He needed his MBA, and I couldn’t be distracted by my own studies.”

The message from the abuser is clear: their partner’s dreams and ambitions must be secondary to their own, if not entirely dismissed.

Freedom and Autonomy

Abusers also attempt to strip away their partner’s sense of autonomy and decision making powers, dictating what they can wear, who they can speak to, and even what they can believe.

One survivor shared how their abuser wanted control over their political views, religious practices, and even day-to-day activities: “Don’t work (it’s for losers). Don’t go to school (it’s for losers who just want to sleep with each other). Become a Christian (but don’t go to Church – that’s for posers). Don’t spend time with my friends (losers).”

Another survivor reflected on the all-encompassing nature of the demands: “My first career, personality, hobbies, likes, individual thought processes, time, money, holidays, friends, going out (even with him only). Actually, everything, including the house, and the shirt on my back.”

These tactics ensure victims feel isolated, unable to assert their boundaries without facing retaliation. As one person explained, “It was easier to let him control the TV or make decisions for us because any resistance would result in hours of insults and silent treatment.” This leaves victims in a constant state of anxiety, walking on eggshells to avoid conflict.

For many, this loss of autonomy comes with the suffocation of their individuality. “He constantly criticized how I looked, how I spoke, who I talked to. He wouldn’t let me see male friends, and he dictated what I wore, often saying I looked too attractive to others,” recounted a survivor.

Ultimately, abusers expect their partners to give up their autonomy, leaving them dependent, submissive, and trapped in a cycle of compliance.

Relationships and Community

One of the most common sacrifices abusers demand is the loss of meaningful relationships. This isolates the victim, cutting off their support system and making them more dependent on their abusive partner. Many survivors share heartbreaking stories of losing friends, family, and community due to their partner’s controlling behavior.

One survivor shared: “I lost everyone else in my life. He wanted all of my time and attention on demand.” Abusers want to be the sole focus, and anyone who distracts from that—be it friends, family, or even acquaintances—becomes a threat. Another survivor echoed this sentiment: “Friendships, any relationship with my only sister, my interests & hobbies, my time not being my own, independent decision-making.”

This isolation isn’t just social—it’s emotional, leaving the victim with little to no support when they need it most.

Personal Beliefs

Abusers also frequently attempt to erode their partner’s personal beliefs and core identity. This can range from dictating religious practices to influencing political views.

One survivor recounted: “He wanted me to forget about my love for God and where He’s calling me to be.”

Another survivor highlighted the pressure to adopt her partner’s political beliefs: “He insisted I take on his political views, claiming I was ‘too naive’ to understand what was really happening in the world. He belittled me for supporting causes I believed in, and every conversation about politics ended in him shouting about how ‘wrong’ I was.”

These demands reflect the abuser’s desire to mold their partner’s beliefs and identity to suit their own needs and control. The victim’s spiritual or personal journey becomes secondary to avoiding conflict in the relationship—at great cost to their personal fulfillment.

Hobbies and Interests

Even personal interests and hobbies can become targets in abusive relationships. Many abusers expect their partners to sacrifice the activities they enjoy because they see them as a threat to their control. Whether it’s due to jealousy or simply wanting to monopolize their partner’s time, the result is that the victim gradually loses their individuality.

One survivor explained: “I gradually gave up all my hobbies and interests during my marriage. It just wasn’t worth the insults, teasing, cold shouldering, and anger. I did what he wanted instead.”

Another shared a similar experience: “He kept me so busy with all of his wants and needs that I didn’t have the energy to even do any of my interests or hobbies. It was all about him and what I could do for him.”

The loss of hobbies and interests is particularly damaging because it robs the victim of joy, fulfillment, and a sense of self. Hobbies are often a way for people to express their identity and decompress, but abusers systematically strip away these outlets.

Health and Well-Being

Perhaps the most devastating sacrifices are those related to the victim’s physical and mental health. Survivors often experience medical neglect and report being pushed to their limits, with their health often deteriorating as they try to meet their abuser’s impossible demands.

One survivor described the emotional and physical toll of trying to manage a household while being severely overworked: “I had bronchitis once and had to work with a fever. I finally got a day off, and he threw a tantrum because it meant he had to take care of our baby the whole day. He wasn’t even employed, but I worked and drove two hours to and from work and then took care of my baby as soon as I got home and on the weekends.”

Another survivor shared a particularly heartbreaking moment when her health crisis was met with hostility rather than support: “Once, I was literally in a hospital bed, waking up from emergency surgery after a C-section, and he called yelling because he couldn’t handle watching our newborn. I was just four hours out of surgery.”

These sacrifices, while often invisible to others, can have dangerous, long-term consequences for victims. When they are neglected or are forced to push through illness, their health and well-being suffer—sometimes irreparably. Such emotional neglect and physical demands from abusers lead to both immediate and lasting harm.

Sacrificing the Self

At the core of all these sacrifices is a deeper, more existential loss: the sacrifice of the self. Abusers work to erode their partner’s sense of identity, making them question their own worth, desires, and even reality.

As one survivor put it: “They want you to give up everything to be their nothing.” This stark summary encapsulates the all-encompassing nature of coercive control—abusers seek to diminish their partners to a shadow of themselves, stripping away their individuality in order to maintain power.

The manipulation doesn’t just affect personal decisions; it can extend to how victims see themselves in relation to others. “I only knew who I was WITH him. Even when I wasn’t around him, I still abided by his rules,” explained a survivor. This constant need to align oneself with the abuser’s preferences can make it difficult for victims to reconnect with their true selves, even after the relationship ends.

The cumulative effect of these sacrifices is the loss of the victim’s sense of self. Over time, the abuser’s demands chip away at their partner’s identity, leaving them feeling like a shell of the person they once were.

This gradual erosion of identity is a hallmark of coercive control, and the recovery process often involves rediscovering personal beliefs, preferences, and values that were once suppressed.

The Cost of Sacrifice in an Abusive Relationship

Abusive relationships demand far more than love, patience, or compromise. They demand control, obedience, and, ultimately, the victim’s entire sense of self. The sacrifices that survivors make for their abusers are often impossible to quantify, ranging from lost friendships and careers to shattered identities and health.

But what these survivors remind us is that these sacrifices have devastating repercussions. As one survivor poignantly noted: “To share him with another woman was the most extreme sacrifice. I think by this point I had just given up. I was in the center of a massive meltdown after years of physical abuse, being cheated on, losing friendships, family, control of myself while he painted himself as Mr. perfect and he thrived on it.”

What abusers want their partners to sacrifice is everything—friends, family, ambitions, money, health, and, eventually, the very essence of who they are. And yet, in the end, even that is not enough for them.

Reclaiming Power and Identity

For those who have endured these sacrifices, recovery is possible. Reclaiming one’s identity and sense of self is a powerful step in healing. As one survivor shared: “Healing was finding my worth and knowing that I am enough. Finally knowing what I want and deserve. Doing my thing when and how I want to. Freedom and peace. No more overthinking and anxiety. Learning to love myself.” This powerful statement represents a rejection of the abuser’s control and a reclamation of autonomy.

Understanding that these sacrifices are never justified is crucial in recognizing the severity of abusive dynamics. It is only by rejecting these demands and reclaiming their power that survivors can begin to rebuild the lives they were once forced to sacrifice.

Featured image: Sacrifices in abusive relationships. Source: Arisctur / Adobe Stock.

Control, Obsession, and Tragedy: Holly Newton’s Story and the Gaps in Domestic Abuse Laws

By
Samara Knight
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Holly Newton death and domestic abuse laws

In January 2023, 15-year-old Holly Newton from Northumberland was stalked and brutally murdered by her ex-boyfriend, Logan MacPhail, aged 16 at the time. Holly’s family is now urging authorities to classify her death as domestic violence, highlighting how deeply controlling behaviors and obsessive jealousy fueled the fatal attack. Currently, her case is labeled as a knife crime due to her young age, but her family believes this classification undermines the severity and context of the abuse that led to her death.

The crime paints a chilling picture of coercive control and obsessive behavior. MacPhail stalked Holly for months, often appearing at her workplace unannounced, demanding to know where she was, and expressing anger when she spent time with others. According to Holly’s mother, Micala Trussler, these behaviors were all about control—control that ultimately culminated in violence when MacPhail could no longer possess Holly.

A Devastating Build-Up to the Crime

According to The BBC, Holly met MacPhail at an army cadets program where their relationship quickly became toxic. MacPhail displayed signs of obsession early on, dictating who Holly could see and demanding constant updates on her whereabouts. After Holly tried to end the relationship, MacPhail would use emotional blackmail by threatening to harm himself, guilt-tripping her into staying with him.

The night before Holly’s murder, MacPhail traveled to her home and lingered outside for hours, making up an excuse about retrieving a game console in an effort to see her. Ms Trussler, concerned for her daughter’s safety, had arranged a meeting with the police to discuss his obsessive behavior. Tragically, the meeting was postponed to later that day—just hours before Holly was fatally stabbed.

MacPhail, unable to accept the end of their relationship, followed Holly through town after school, armed with a kitchen knife. He launched a frenzied attack on her in an alleyway, stabbing her 36 times. This brutal act of violence was the final manifestation of months of controlling, stalking behavior—a pattern well-recognized in domestic abuse cases but overlooked in Holly’s situation due to her age.

Stalking and Control: Recognizing the Signs of Domestic Abuse

Holly’s murder is undeniably tied to MacPhail’s controlling behaviors and obsessive jealousy, making this a clear case of domestic abuse. However, under current UK law, domestic abuse legislation applies only to individuals aged 16 and above. Holly, being 15 at the time of her death, does not meet the legal age requirement for domestic abuse classification, meaning her case is instead filed as a knife crime.

This has left Holly’s family angered and upset. By categorizing her death as a knife crime, the true nature of the months-long abuse is minimized. According to Ms Trussler, focusing solely on the weapon used in Holly’s death distracts from the systemic emotional manipulation and stalking that led to the tragedy. “The only connection it’s got is that he killed her with a knife, but in all honesty, I think he would have killed her with anything just so she couldn’t be with anyone else. It was all about control,” Ms Trussler explained [via Chronicle Live].

This raises crucial questions about the scope of domestic abuse legislation in England and its failure to protect younger victims in toxic relationships.

Domestic Abuse Legislation and Age Restrictions

In England, the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 recognizes patterns of controlling, coercive, or threatening behaviors as forms of domestic abuse. However, this law only applies to individuals aged 16 and older. While this legislation aims to provide protection and justice for victims, Holly’s case highlights a significant gap: teenagers under 16 are excluded, even when they experience the same controlling and abusive behaviors.

Ms Trussler and Holly’s stepfather, Lee Trussler, are pushing for changes in how the legal system handles cases like Holly’s. They argue that lowering the age threshold for domestic violence recognition is essential, especially given the fact that young people are entering relationships at younger ages.

“Because he’s 16, he’s at the age where he can be in an abusive relationship, but because she was only 15, it goes down as knife crime,” Ms Trussler said. “But that doesn’t reflect the reality of what was happening.”

Post-Separation Abuse and Stalking

Stalking, which is often seen in cases of domestic abuse, played a significant role in Holly’s story. Even after their relationship ended, MacPhail continued to harass her, both physically and emotionally. Stalking behaviors, including following Holly and monitoring her movements, were clear signs of escalating abuse that culminated in violence.

Stalking is a recognized precursor to severe violence and femicide, particularly in cases of domestic abuse. Studies show that 76% of female domestic violence homicide victims were stalked by their intimate partner in the year leading up to their murder. This grim statistic underscores the danger posed by stalking, making it imperative to address such behaviors early—regardless of the victim’s age.

In light of Holly’s case, it’s clear that changes are needed to ensure the legal system can recognize and respond to abusive dynamics in relationships involving younger individuals. Her story is a heartbreaking reminder of how quickly control can turn to violence—and how important it is to act before it’s too late.

For now, Holly’s family continues to fight for justice, hoping her death will be a catalyst for change, helping protect other young people from similar fates.

Featured image: Holly Newton. Source: Northumbria Police.

Former Police Officer Who Stalked Woman and Used GPS Tracker Avoids Jail Time

By
Samara Knight
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police offer avoids jail for stalking

A former Sydney police officer, Joshua Alan James Wootton, has avoided jail time after being convicted of using a GPS tracker to stalk a woman and damaging her property. Wootton, 34, was handed a 12-month community corrections order at Downing Centre District Court on Thursday, sparking concern over the leniency of the sentence for stalking-related crimes.

ABC News reports that the former NSW Police officer, from Oran Park in Sydney’s southwest, was found guilty of multiple offences, including recklessly damaging property, using a tracking device without consent, and stalking. Despite these convictions, he will serve his sentence in the community, under the supervision of corrections officers, while continuing mental health treatment.

Abusive Behavior Over Several Years

The court heard that Wootton’s abusive behavior towards the victim began as early as 2015. The woman, known to him at the time, was subjected to repeated acts of stalking and intimidation until 2019.

Nine News reports that his actions included appearing unannounced at her workplace and using apps like “Find My Friends” to track her whereabouts. When he discovered that a friend had “pecked” the woman on the lips, he responded aggressively by squeezing her phone so hard that it shattered.

In 2019, Wootton took his obsessive behavior a step further by attaching a GPS tracker to the woman’s car, allowing him to monitor her movements without her consent for nearly a year. The woman only discovered the tracking device when Wootton accidentally messaged a code meant for the tracker to her phone.

Judge David Michael Wilson described Wootton’s actions as deeply troubling and acknowledged the harm caused to the victim, saying it left her “scared and concerned.” However, the judge noted that Wootton’s offenses were considered to be at the lower end of seriousness due to his lack of prior convictions and his participation in a men’s behavior change program.

A Pattern of Abuse and Escalation

Wootton’s history of misconduct wasn’t limited to a single victim. In a separate case, Wootton had several charges dismissed on mental health grounds, despite admitting to using a restricted police database to track another woman’s partner. He followed this second victim over 11 days in early 2022, leaving flowers on her driveway on Valentine’s Day and using a GoGet rental car to monitor her movements. Despite pleading guilty, the charges were dismissed due to his psychological state at the time, for which he has since been receiving treatment.

This behavior raises concerns over how law enforcement officials, even after being dismissed, can use their knowledge and skills to perpetuate control over others. Critics argue that Wootton’s lenient sentence does little to deter future incidents, especially considering the high rate of reoffending among individuals convicted of stalking.

Reoffending Rates Among Stalkers

Studies have shown that stalkers have a significantly high reoffending rate. Research by the Australian Institute of Criminology indicates that approximately 50% of convicted stalkers reoffend within four years, with many resuming the same pattern of behavior or escalating to more severe forms of abuse. This makes adequate sentencing and intervention strategies crucial in preventing further harm.

Despite this data, Wootton’s sentencing was influenced by his mental health struggles and his engagement in rehabilitation programs. While the judge acknowledged the societal impact of domestic violence and stalking, he ultimately deemed Wootton’s likelihood of reoffending to be low.

The leniency of Wootton’s sentence has raised concerns among domestic violence advocates, who argue that the impact of stalking on victims is often downplayed. Stalking behaviors, including monitoring movements, harassment, and using tracking devices, are not just isolated incidents but part of a broader pattern of control and intimidation that can have long-lasting psychological effects on victims.

While Judge Wilson’s ruling took into account Wootton’s remorse and engagement with treatment, domestic violence advocates are calling for a re-evaluation of sentencing guidelines for stalking and related offenses. They argue that more stringent legal consequences are necessary to uphold the rights and safety of victims, and to send a clear message that stalking and coercive control will not be tolerated.

Joshua Wootton’s community-based sentence, despite his history of monitoring and intimidation, raises serious questions about the protection of victims and whether the judicial system fully grasps the severity of such offenses. With research indicating high reoffending rates among stalkers, more robust legal responses are necessary to deter future harm and ensure that victims’ rights and safety are prioritized over the perceived rehabilitation of perpetrators.

Featured image: Former police officer Joshua Wootton will not get jail time for stalking. Source: Adwo / Adobe Stock.

How Coercive Control Destroys Your Sense of Self and Identity

By
Kimberley P
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How coercive control destroys your sense of self and identity

Your identity is your sense of who you are. The essence of you. It’s all the things that make up the unique human you were put on this Earth to be. In a healthy relationship, each partner’s identity is honored and valued as the couple faces life’s ups and downs together despite having differing thoughts and opinions. But if you’re part of a controlling relationship, it’s virtually impossible to maintain your own identity outside of the relationship.

A partner engaging in coercive control seeks to strip you of your sense of self and your identity through tactics like undermining, judging, criticizing and trivializing. When you’re exposed to behaviors like this over and over again, you can begin to doubt yourself. You may start to feel like the unique set of beliefs, values, opinions, tastes and desires you bring to the table are bad, wrong or unacceptable. It’s at this point you’ve been stripped of your identity and even your sense of self.

Remember that the ultimate goal of a controlling partner is for you to be completely dependent on them: under their thumb, so to speak. And what better way to do this than to create a situation where you seek validation only from them because you no longer know yourself?

In this article, we’ll discuss some of the ways in which coercive control can cause you to slowly lose your sense of self and your identity.

You might feel hesitant to show your true self

Suppose you’re a bubbly extrovert and your partner isn’t. Regardless of this key difference between the two of you, your personality should be celebrated and appreciated rather than minimized and brushed off as an annoyance. In a case like this, your controlling partner might seek to make you feel shameful or insecure about your personality and way of doing things by one or a few of the following:

  • They might say, indicate or make you feel like you’re “too much” or conversely, “not enough.”
  • They might make underhanded jokes or passive-aggressive comments, or refer to you with disparaging terms like, “obnoxious,” “a lot,” or “embarrassing” if you’re extroverted, or “anti-social,” “boring,” or “no fun to be around” if you’re less outgoing.
  • Their mood might darken when you’re feeling bubbly and happy. Or if they’re more outgoing, they might force you to socialize more often than you feel comfortable with, or spend lots of time around people you don’t enjoy.
  • They might cast you a glance that only you know is a warning to stop acting a certain way.
  • They might accuse you of “attention-seeking” behavior, or of seeking validation from others. Or they might accuse you of trying to destroy their relationships with others if you don’t want to attend an event. 

You might feel pressured to mirror their likes and dislikes

We spend a lifetime developing our likes and dislikes. But when a controlling partner shames us or puts us down for these things, it’s very tempting to abandon the things that make us happy, or conversely, to stop avoiding the things we’ve decided we don’t like. We do this in order to keep the peace and seek our partner’s acceptance, but the end result is the loss of our identity.

In a controlling relationship, this is something that can start so slowly that you might not even notice it until it’s too late. After all, you tell yourself, who cares if you always skip your favorite fast-food joint in favor of his? What difference does it make if he turns off your favorite music every time he enters the room? But these are exactly the types of things controlling partners do, and they often escalate to larger things over time, until you hardly remember who you were before you entered the relationship.

You might hide your beliefs and values in order to avoid conflict

Our core values and beliefs are even more dear to us than simple likes and dislikes. Of course, the way we feel about things like integrity, loyalty and kindness are much more significant than our favorite ice cream flavor. When a controlling partner trivializes, belittles or shames one of your core values, you’ll likely do whatever it takes to protect your beliefs. And that includes hiding or no longer sharing them. This is when you truly begin to lose yourself and become a shell of the person you once were.

One woman we spoke with tells us that for two decades, her husband never knew she aligned more closely with pro-choice beliefs. Himself a staunch pro-lifer, he simply assumed his wife felt the same way, despite never asking her about her own thoughts and opinions on the topic. Similarly, another woman admitted to hiding birth control pills because her partner was adamantly against her using it. If you feel fearful to share your innermost values and beliefs with your partner, consider this a huge red flag that you do not feel emotionally safe in your relationship.

How to rediscover your identity

If you’ve “lost yourself” in your relationship, know that you’re not alone, and there’s nothing wrong with you. Countless women in abusive or controlling relationships have experienced the same thing. It starts slowly, and can be so subtle you don’t even realize for months, or even years. The good news is that once you realize you’ve abandoned your sense of self for your partner, there are some things you can do to slowly regain your identity.

  • Expand your social circle. Many victims of abuse have a nearly non-existent social circle thanks to their partner’s isolating tactics. But good friends can mirror our positive attributes back to us, and this can help us remember who we are, and how we show up for others and ourselves. Even if it’s a short conversation with your neighbor, or a friend you meet for coffee once a month, expanding your social circle can go a long way toward helping you remember who you are.
  • Write in a journal. Lundy Bancroft, the seminal voice on angry and controlling relationships, places high importance on journaling, saying, “writing is often misunderstood as being a medium for expressing thoughts, but actually it is a way of thinking. We have a different internal process when we write than when we speak.” So break out your journal (it’s a good idea to purchase one with a lock) and write in it regularly. You might get to know things about yourself that you had forgotten.
  • Purchase an “all about me” book and fill it out. If you’re struggling to even remember what type of pizza you like the most, this is a great place to start. A book like this contains tons of fun, lighthearted questions and prompts, making it a great way to get to know yourself again.
  • Try new things or activities. If you’re able to get some time to yourself, by all means, take it! Take a college course, sign up for a group fitness class, or head out for a paint and sip evening with friends. If you’re not in a position to be able to do these things, consider painting at home, following along to a YouTube fitness class, rekindling your love of books, or taking up another craft or activity that brings you joy.
  • Remember your strengths and bring them to life again. New things are great because they add dimension to your life. But don’t forget the strengths you admired about yourself before you entered this relationship! Maybe you made amazing cookies, or were a compassionate volunteer for elderly people. Channel those strengths as you get back to the person you once were.

It’s not easy living in a situation where your partner constantly judges, criticizes and belittles you. An environment of coercive control often starts slowly, making it more difficult for you to realize you’re constantly giving up parts of yourself and losing your identity to your partner. But it’s never too late to rediscover yourself. In fact, it’s a crucial step toward freeing yourself from the destructive environment your relationship has become. 

Featured image: Coercive control impacts sense of self and identity. Source: stokkete / Adobe Stock.

Double Standards: How Unequal Expectations Fuel Abusive Dynamics

By
Charlotte Bragg
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double standards in abusive relationships

Double standards occur when unequal rules and expectations are unfairly imposed on someone. In abusive relationships, double standards are more than just unfair—they’re a powerful tool for control and manipulation, used to reinforce the abuser’s dominance and diminish their partner’s autonomy.

Double Standards and Abuse: A Tool of Control

In abusive relationships, perpetrators often impose a different set of standards on their partner than they do on themselves. By enforcing unfair rules and expectations, they seek to manipulate, dominate, and coerce their partner. This behavior stems from a combination of personal biases, past experiences, and a deeply ingrained sense of entitlement rooted in their abusive attitudes.

Abusers leverage both societal norms and personal beliefs to shift the rules in their favor while eroding their partner’s autonomy. These double standards can manifest in various ways, serving as powerful tools for gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional abuse.

Recognizing Double Standards

If you suspect your partner might be using double standards to exert control, it’s important to pay attention to the patterns in your relationship closely. Recognizing the signs early on can help you understand whether these unequal expectations are being used to undermine your autonomy.

Unequal Responsibilities

If you find yourself responsible for most of the household chores while your partner shows little concern, it could be a sign that they’re enforcing double standards. For instance, if you’re a woman expected to manage chores, childcare, or emotional labor on your own, and your male partner dismisses your concerns by saying, “that’s just your job,” he’s using patriarchal stereotypes to excuse his lack of participation. This creates an unfair imbalance and places the burden of responsibility solely on you.

Dismissal of Your Needs

Your partner may completely dismiss your emotional needs but expect your utmost attention to their own. For instance, if you’re feeling overwhelmed and ask to talk about it, they may say something like, “You’re overreacting, just get over it”, yet get angry if you don’t immediately console them over something trivial. This type of double standard can erode your self-esteem and leave you feeling as though your emotions aren’t valid or important.

Lack of Accountability

Abusers often use double standards as a way to avoid accountability, setting different rules for themselves than they do for their partners in order to escape responsibility for their actions. For instance, an abuser might lash out and refuse to apologize, yet expect you to apologize for the smallest mistake. By enforcing these one-sided rules, they maintain control without having to face the consequences of their behavior. This manipulation not only reinforces their power but also leaves you feeling confused and guilty, which ultimately makes it easier for them to continue their harmful patterns.

Unequal Social Standards

Abusers often use double standards to control how their partner spends their leisure time. For example, they may criticize or get annoyed if you want to go out with friends, even though they regularly spend weekends at bars or socializing. By holding you to different standards, they impose an unfair set of expectations designed to restrict your freedom while allowing themselves more leeway. This creates a controlling dynamic where your choices are constantly scrutinized, reinforcing their power and limiting your autonomy.

Financial Disparities

Controlling partners often apply double standards when it comes to managing finances. They may freely spend money on unnecessary items or indulgences but criticize you for treating yourself, using comments like, “I thought we were saving for a new car,” to guilt-trip you. While you might be mindful of your spending and focused on saving, they feel entitled to splurge without accountability. This financial hypocrisy not only creates tension but also reinforces their control over the situation, making you feel guilty or selfish for wanting to spend on yourself. Ultimately, this manipulation serves to undermine your financial autonomy and place the power firmly in their hands.

Dominating Decisions

A partner who dominates decisions often enforces double standards that grant them more authority in the relationship. This behavior can manifest in small ways, like insisting on where to eat or deciding whether to stay out longer. Over time, you may hold back your preferences out of fear of triggering their anger, which only deepens the power imbalance.

On a larger scale, they might make significant decisions, such as where you live or how your finances are managed, without consulting you or valuing your opinion. During disagreements, they may dismiss your concerns with statements like, “I know what’s best for us,” further enforcing the double standard that their opinions matter more than yours. This effectively silences you, making you feel unheard and insignificant. Such patterns are not just dismissive—they are a form of control that denies your right to have an equal say in your own life and relationship.

Double Standards in Intimacy

In relationships marked by abuse and double standards, intimacy and conversations around sex can become deeply toxic and manipulative. A male partner may harshly criticize or shame you for your past sexual experiences while holding himself to a completely different standard, even if his own sexual history is more extensive. This mentality reflects a misogynistic belief that women’s worth is tied to their sexual past—a notion recently amplified by harmful influencers like Andrew Tate, who perpetuate sexist narratives about women losing value based on their sexual choices.

Furthermore, an abuser may demand constant availability for intimacy while using the withdrawal of affection as a form of punishment if you don’t meet their expectations. This type of control not only disregards your desires and boundaries but also creates an environment where your autonomy is continually undermined, leaving you feeling powerless and devalued.

Taking Steps Toward Healthier Relationships

Double standards in abusive relationships aren’t just unfair—they’re a deliberate tactic used to establish and maintain control. Addressing this issue requires acknowledging how these double standards are embedded not only in individual relationships but also within broader societal norms. By understanding the true impact of these unequal expectations, we can better recognize abusive dynamics and advocate for fair treatment in all relationships. Breaking free from these patterns starts with challenging the justifications and rationalizations that make double standards seem acceptable.

References

Amber, Kate. #DoubleStandards – Double Standards & Coercive Control (2023). ECCUSA.

Chan, Katherine (2023). Double Standards: How to Identify and Avoid Them in Relationships. Verywellmind

Featured image: Double standards are common in abusive relationships. Source: ronstik / Adobe Stock.

Religious Abuse in Relationships: How Faith Can be Weaponized for Control

By
Angie Doel
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religious abuse in relationships

Religious abuse in relationships is a manipulative tactic used by abusers to exert control over their partners, often distorting faith-based teachings and practices for coercive purposes. When faith is weaponized in this way, it creates a toxic dynamic that leaves victims feeling isolated, fearful, and trapped, particularly when religious beliefs are deeply ingrained in their identity or community.

What Is Religious Abuse in Relationships?

Religious abuse occurs when one partner uses spiritual beliefs, doctrines, or religious practices to manipulate, control, or harm another person. This type of abuse is particularly insidious because it distorts a victim’s moral and spiritual values, making them feel that their suffering is justified, or even divinely mandated.

The key difference between healthy religious expression and religious abuse is the intent and effect of the behavior. In a loving, supportive relationship, partners respect each other’s beliefs and work together to nurture their spiritual lives. In an abusive relationship, religion becomes a weapon, wielded to exert power and keep the victim under control.

Tactics of Religious Abuse

Religious abuse manifests in a variety of ways, often depending on the specific faith tradition involved. However, a number of common tactics are used by abusers across different religious contexts:

Distorting Religious Teachings

Abusers may distort the messages in religious teachings to justify their actions. For example, an abuser may cherry-pick verses or principles from religious texts to claim that their partner must submit to them. This is often seen in patriarchal interpretations of religious doctrine, where women are told that they must obey their husbands unconditionally.

In some cases, the abuser may position themselves as a spiritual authority, claiming they have a special connection to God or divine understanding. This puts the victim in a position where questioning the abuser’s authority feels like questioning their faith, leaving them feeling spiritually conflicted and powerless.

Using Guilt and Shame

Abusers may leverage guilt and shame to control their partners. In religious abuse, these emotions are heightened by the belief that one’s actions have eternal consequences. For instance, an abuser might accuse their partner of being sinful or impure, using their partner’s religious beliefs to make them feel unworthy or ashamed.

This manipulation convinces the victim that they must “repent” for actions that are not wrong or sinful. By keeping their partner in a perpetual state of guilt and shame, the abuser ensures their partner remains submissive and dependent.

Threatening Spiritual Consequences

In religious abuse, threats of spiritual punishment or damnation are common. An abuser may tell their partner they are destined for hell or divine retribution if they do not comply with their demands. These threats affect the victim’s spiritual well-being and their sense of safety and identity, as they are made to believe their soul is at stake.

The fear of being spiritually condemned can be overwhelming for victims, especially if their faith shapes their entire worldview. This makes it difficult to break free from the cycle of abuse.

Isolating the Victim from their Faith Community

Isolation is a common tactic in abusive relationships, and religious abuse is no different. An abuser may try to cut their partner off from their religious community, preventing them from seeking guidance or support. They might convince the victim that their spiritual leaders, friends, or family are misguided or are dangerous influences.

This isolation deprives the victim of their support network and reinforces the abuser’s control over their spiritual beliefs. Without access to outside perspectives, the victim may begin to accept the abuser’s distorted version of their faith as the only truth.

Forcing Religious Practices

Abusers might try to force their partners to engage in certain religious practices or rituals. For example, they may insist on rigid adherence to certain religious rules, demand participation in daily prayers or worship, or restrict their partner’s behavior based on religious codes.

Preventing the Victim from Practicing Their Faith

Religious abuse often involves restricting or dictating how the victim can live out their spiritual or religious practices. One method is forcing the victim to behave in ways that contradict their deeply held religious values or spiritual rituals. The abuser may interrupt or forbid prayer, stop them from performing daily acts of worship, or make it difficult or impossible to attend communal services such as church, mosque, synagogue, or temple.

Religious abuse may also involve forcing sexual acts that violate the victim’s faith or spiritual law. This could occur by forcing sex during times that the victim’s faith explicitly prohibits it, or insisting on premarital sex when the victim’s faith upholds abstinence. The abuser uses their power to manipulate and degrade the victim’s religious convictions, often creating a sense of guilt or spiritual conflict.

The Impact of Religious Abuse

Religious abuse in relationships has profound emotional, psychological, and spiritual consequences. Victims often feel trapped, believing they have no choice but to endure the abuse to remain faithful to their religion or to avoid divine punishment. The psychological toll includes guilt, shame, fear, and isolation.

Spiritually, victims may begin to feel disconnected from their faith, doubting their own worthiness or the benevolence of the divine. Many struggle with the internal conflict of wanting to remain true to their religious beliefs while realizing that the relationship is harmful. Over time, this can lead to a crisis of faith, where the victim questions not only their relationship but also the very foundations of their belief system.

Recognizing Religious Abuse in Relationships

Recognizing religious abuse can be challenging, especially when religious doctrine is used as justification for harmful behavior. Some warning signs can help identify this type of abuse:

  • Frequent references to religious texts to justify control or violence.
  • A partner claiming divine authority or a special connection to God.
  • Feelings of guilt or shame induced by the abuser’s religious accusations.
  • Isolation from the religious community or spiritual leaders.
  • Forced adherence to religious practices or denial of spiritual expression.

Religious abuse in relationships is a deeply harmful form of manipulation that distorts faith and spirituality for the abuser’s gain. By understanding how religion can be weaponized, individuals can take steps to protect themselves from this insidious form of control. One’s religious beliefs and faith should be a source of comfort and empowerment, not fear and submission.

References

Aitken, L. (2021). When Religion Becomes a Tool of Abuse. Psychology Today.

Swartz, K. (2023). Religion, Domestic Violence, and Abuse. DomesticShelters.org.

Featured image: Religious abuse in relationships can have serious consequences. Source: kmiragaya / Adobe Stock.

Medical Neglect in Abusive Relationships: A Silent Form of Abuse

By
Samara Knight
-
medical neglect in abusive relationships

Medical neglect is a form of abuse that often goes unnoticed but has devastating consequences for the victim. This type of neglect involves withholding or denying necessary medical care, support, or medication to exert power and control over the victim. It is particularly insidious because it not only causes harm to an individual’s physical health but also deepens emotional wounds and reinforces the abuser’s dominance.

What is Medical Neglect and Why is it a Form of Abuse?

Medical neglect in a relationship is not always obvious and can take many forms, making it difficult to recognize. It can occur when an abuser deliberately withholds or refuses to provide necessary medical care, medications, or assistance to their partner. They might also prevent them attending medical appointments or persuade, coerce, or influence them to avoid seeking care themselves.

A recent case of medical neglect that gained media attention originated from a Reddit post shared by a woman recovering from surgery. Before undergoing a procedure on her stomach and intestines, she carefully prepared meals that adhered to her strict dietary requirements, knowing she wouldn’t be able to cook for several weeks after the surgery.

However, when she returned from the hospital, she discovered that all the meals she made for herself were gone. She had nothing suitable to eat and was too unwell to make something else. Her husband admitted taking her meals to work because he was “too tired” to make his own and because he wanted more “variety”. This act left the woman, who was already struggling with anemia and dehydration, without the nutrition she needed for healing, placing her health at risk and prolonging her recovery.

Medical neglect is a form of physical abuse because it results in harm to the victim’s body and well-being. It is also used by perpetrators as a means to control their partner and increase their level of dependence. It is a purposeful and malicious act that can have life-altering consequences.

What Medical Neglect Looks and Sounds Like

Medical neglect can manifest in various ways and is often intertwined with other forms of abuse, such as coercive control and emotional abuse. A number of abuse survivors shared with me their personal experiences of what medical neglect looked like for them:

  1. Denying Medical Care and Medication: Refusing to seek medical assistance or provide medication is one of the most common forms of medical neglect. One survivor stated, “I always had to take care of him if he was sick, but no one cared for me when I was. I took myself to every doctor and had cancer without his help.”
  2. Preventing Access to Necessary Medical Equipment: For individuals living with disabilities, medical neglect may include restricting access to necessary equipment such as wheelchairs, crutches, or toileting support. This lack of assistance forces the victim into a state of dependency or physical vulnerability. One survivor shared, “I had to crawl and slide on my stomach just to get to the shower because my husband wouldn’t help me when I had a fractured bone in my foot.”
  3. Financial Abuse and Medical Neglect: An abuser may restrict shared finances, preventing the victim from purchasing necessary medical supplies or medication. One woman reported, “I was constantly told we couldn’t afford my medication or treatments, but he always seemed to have money for his hobbies and nights out. I was left to suffer while he made sure he was never deprived of anything.”
  4. Lack of Help: Many victims report that they are left to struggle with illness or injury while their partner does nothing to help them. As one survivor described, “I was doing 100% of the housework on top of working 60 hours a week and taking care of a toddler. He didn’t even help when I was so sick I nearly died.” Another one said, “I became terribly sick and couldn’t get off the couch. I asked my ex-husband to go to the pharmacy to get me medicine. He angrily said no and said it was my fault I missed his window of time to go out.”
  5. Escalation of Abuse: Perpetrators often become more abusive when their partner is ill or recovering from an injury. As one survivor shared, “I had meningitis and shingles, and while the headache was brutal, he became the most unkind person I had ever seen.” Another survivor recounted, “I had a headache after work, and instead of comforting me, he threw a tantrum, yelled at me, and shook the bed I was lying on, making the pain even worse.”
  6. Preventing Emergency Care: An abuser may refuse to drive the victim to the emergency room or prevent them from seeking urgent medical care. “I had a wound on my foot and the stitches burst open and my leg was turning purple from infection. My husband wouldn’t help me and instead, became furious that I’d put a movie on for our child to watch. I ended up driving myself to the hospital.”
  7. Ignoring or Minimizing Health Concerns: An abuser may dismiss or downplay the severity of the victim’s health condition. One survivor recalled, “My ex-husband never believed me when I said I was in pain. He would accuse me of exaggerating and just tell me to get over it.”
  8. Using Illness to Demean and Control: Some abusers use the victim’s illness to demean and humiliate them further. A survivor shared, “I was on chemo, in bed feeling really ill. He walked into the bedroom, said, “It stinks in here,” opened the curtains and all the windows, and walked out.”
  9. Preventing Health Checks: Abusers may prevent or persuade their partner from getting medical tests, such as preventative cancer screening. One victim noted, “My husband believed in the spiritual concepts of karma and dharma and he told me that if I will living according to spiritual values and principles, I would never get sick. He said that if I got health checks, it meant I didn’t trust in the divine. He made me feel ashamed even for going to the doctor or getting checked out.”

These quotes highlight the real experiences of survivors who have suffered from medical neglect. The impact is not only physical but also deeply emotional, as victims are made to feel invisible and unworthy of care.

Why Abusers Engage in Medical Neglect

Medical neglect is often a reflection of the abuser’s need for control and their lack of empathy for their partner’s well-being. Here are some of the reasons why they use this strategy in their relationship:

  1. Control and Domination: Abusers may deny medical care to maintain power and control over their partner. They do it to reinforce their partner’s dependency on them. “When I had surgery, my husband refused to pick me up from the hospital. He wanted to remind me how much I had to rely on him,” shared one survivor.
  2. Sense of Entitlement: If a victim attempts to seek medical care or assistance, the abuser may react with anger or punish the victim for trying to assert their needs. This stems from their abusive mindset and sense of entitlement. They expect everything to revolve around them.
  3. Fear of Exposure: Many abusers who engage in physical violence fear that seeking medical care will expose their abuse. They may prevent their partner from going to the hospital, especially if the victim has visible injuries from their abuse. “He was worried the doctors would ask questions about my bruises, so he forbade me from getting checked out,” said a survivor.
  4. Inability to Tolerate the Attention Shifting Away: Some abusers are narcissistic and demand that the attention always be on them. When a partner is sick or injured, they become the focus, which can trigger jealousy and frustration in the abuser. “My ex expected to be waited on hand and foot when he was sick or injured, but never did the same for me. Instead, he got angry that I needed rest and didn’t help with housework, even when my doctor forbade me to do certain tasks,” shared one survivor.
  5. Reinforcing Worthlessness: Medical neglect sends a clear message to the victim that they are unworthy of care and compassion. This is a way for the abuser to reinforce their own sense of superiority and make the victim feel powerless. Coercive control expert Dr. Emma Katz notes, “As well as sparing himself from what he sees as the inconvenience of responding during the medical crisis or offering care afterward, the perpetrator hopes his actions will reinforce to the victim-survivor that she is worthless and her needs don’t matter at all.”

The Lasting Impact of Medical Neglect

Medical neglect is a form of abuse that can have long-lasting effects on a victim’s health, self-esteem, and sense of autonomy. It can worsen existing medical conditions, delay recovery, and lead to new health problems. At its worst, it can be life-threatening.

Emotionally, it can leave victims feeling isolated, worthless, and disconnected from their own needs. Survivors of medical neglect often struggle with guilt and shame, feeling as though they are a burden. As one survivor noted, “Even now, after it’s over, when I’m sick, I still feel the need to do all the things and then I remember that I don’t have someone yelling at me or belittling me for being sick, and I can just rest.”

Medical neglect is a hidden but powerful form of abuse that needs to be recognized and addressed. Understanding that this behavior is a form of domestic abuse is the first step victims can take towards regaining control over their health and well-being.

References

Katz, E. (2024). He Hurts Her Body in a Thousand Ways Without Laying a Hand on Her. Substack.

Kippert, A. (2023). Is Neglect Considered Abuse? Domestic Shelters.

Featured image: Medical neglect is abuse. Source: motortion / Adobe Stock.

The Role of Story Telling in Recovery from Abuse and Trauma

By
Grahame Gee
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Story telling in recovery from trauma

I am a mental health nurse. I currently work in a community setting on the south coast of NSW, Australia. While it is place of stunning natural beauty, like any place in this world it has more than its share of abuse and trauma. For many survivors of intimate partner violence and coercive control I would be one of the first clinicians they have divulged their experiences. It is an honour and a privilege to walk with survivors on their journey of recovery. It is hard and at times a lonely journey. But I have seen many take back their story and begin to live in the fulness of their authentic selves.  

Truth Telling

There is a term that indigenous Australians use when they take back their story. It is “Truth Telling”, a concept that has gained widespread importance amongst indigenous people around the world. Truth telling according to Reconciliation Australia are activities and process that engage in the telling of a more comprehensive history of Australia.

For Indigenous Australians, the arrival of the English colonists was the beginning of an unfolding tragedy where they lost their lands, their culture, their language and their songs and stories. The song lines and stories which were passed down from generation to generation helped them to move through country, to understand country and their place in it. They were stories developed over tens of thousands of years, back into deep time. To lose their story meant they lost who they were. Only by Truth Telling are they able to reestablish their identity and their place. Telling their story links them back to who they are. It gives them a place to stand, a place of strength and belonging.

The ‘How’ of Truth Telling

How can the journey of truth telling be facilitated in a personal context? As I reflected on this, I realised that to be safe, it required a mutually respectful process of giving and receiving. Effective story telling where the person tells their truth empowers the storyteller. But it also requires someone to receive the story.

Unfortunately for many survivors, their experience has been one of being dismissed or disbelieved. This further retraumatises and silences the survivor. Rather than enabling, the journey of recovery is rerailed and impeded. I have had clients who have experienced this silencing and dismissal. Some tried to report their abuse to law enforcement agencies and were asked why it has taken too long. Others have experienced therapists and mental health clinicians who were not trauma informed and were unable to hear or understand the story being told.

Requirements of Safe Story Telling

Reflecting on this, I believe safe story telling requires what I call therapeutic presence which includes the following:

  • Therapeutic presence is relational.
  • It is the empathic meeting of two distinct individuals.
  • Values and acknowledges the individuality of the other.
  • Accepts, acknowledges and reinforces personal and professional boundaries.
  • Provides a safe place to heal.

Relational Context of Healing

Since damage was inflicted in a relational context, healing requires a relational context as well. But rather than being one where power was used to abuse and hurt the survivor, the receiver of the story should purposely depower themselves while empowering the survivor.

Abuse occurs in the absence of empathy where personal and relational boundaries have been violated and the individuality of the survivor has been denied. The survivor has been reduced to an object to be used, manipulated and psychologically swallowed, rather than a person with deep personal dignity and worth.

Recovery requires the reestablishing of health boundaries based on mutual respect. Most important of all the survivor needs to feel safe. This sense of safety must include the physical, relational, psychological/emotional and spiritual dimensions. It must respect the survivor as the owner of their own identity and story and allow them the freedom to develop and express their identity.

Components of Safe Story Telling

From this context safe story telling can proceed. I believe that there are for interconnected components for safe story telling.

Listening Without Judgment

 The first component is listening without judgment. The receiver of the story needs to place aside all their preconceived ideas and prejudices. Instead, they become a recipient of the truth that the survivor is expressing. When there is silence, let the silence be present. The receiver is not there to fill in the silence, but sit with the survivor in silence, supporting and being present with the survivor.

Acknowledgement Without Blaming

The second component is acknowledgement without blaming. Here the receiver needs to validate the truth they have heard. Too many survivors have been invalidated or worse when they have tried to tell their story. Survivors have a strong tendency to blame themselves for what happened. Their abuser would have reinforced their sense of self-blame and shame as a means to control and manipulate them. Often, they will have been manipulated and brain-washed to minimise the abuser’s behaviour while maximising their own false sense of culpability. Yet, as I say to every survivor, they are not to blame. Their story is infinitely important and true.

Identifying Strengths

The third component is Identifying strengths. Survivors will come with a damaged sense of self. But all have incredible strengths to have survived and overcome their experiences. Getting though each day is an achievement. Caring and loving their children when they have not experienced love from their carers is an achievement. Identifying those achievement, small and large are an important part of their story and recovery.

Identifying Authentic Goals and Values

The final component is Identifying authentic goals and values. This component is forward looking. While their abuse and trauma are an important part of who they are, it is not all they are. The fullness of their authentic selves has been hidden while the survivor maintains survival mode. But, while hidden it is still there, waiting to be found and brought to the surface.

References

Gee, G. (2022). Supporting victims of trauma: Perspectives from a credentialed mental health nurse in a primary health setting. [Paper Presentation] ACMHN’s 46th International Mental Health Nursing Conference.

Reconciliation Australia (n.d.) Truth-telling. Available at: https://www.reconciliation.org.au/our-work/truth-telling/

Featured image: Story telling is an approach to aid recovery from trauma. Source: Daniel / Adobe Stock.

Grahame Gee has contributed to If I Could Turn Back Time: Reflections of Former Cult Members. Edited by Jacqueline Johnson.

The Response Trap: Why Reacting to Abusers Fuels Their Control 

By
Kathleen Keith
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Managing reactions to abuse

“You’re crazy! You need psychological help! “You’re too unstable to be a mother. I’m going to court to take the kids away from you!”

Most of us who are victims of abuse have heard these terrifying words from our abuser, usually after the abuser has tormented us to the brink of total emotional distraction and we ‘lose it.’

Abusers enjoy every minute of driving us crazy. And they equally enjoy seeing us ‘act crazy’ so that they can use it against us. Never mind that any sane person (including men, by the way) would eventually crack under the psychological harassment and torment abusers heap on their victims.

Our abuser knows he can depend on us to react in a predictable way. He looks forward to escalating abuse until we deliver the reaction he’s counting on, so that he can label us, accuse us, and call us crazy. It’s the ‘fix’ he craves, it makes him feel superior, in control, and disdainful of our ‘weakness’ in reacting.

Changing Our Reactions to Change the Dynamics

Our impulsive surface reactions and responses are patterns that don’t move us forward toward a better life so why do we endlessly repeat them?

When we make the serious commitment to change ourselves (because he will never change!) then we can introduce a dynamic that he doesn’t expect or know how to handle: We can change how we react to his attacks.

We can train ourselves to react as a dignified, intelligent, calm, and strong woman. But we need to go about a transformation of ourselves first and it’s not a quick fix. It must be part of a serious commitment to survive and grow as a valuable human being, not the worthless creature he’s convinced us we are.

We all respond when we are attacked. It’s human nature to defend ourselves. And most of that defense consists of explaining, trying to convince the other party about our point of view, and trying to state the truth and find logic in what is illogical because we are trapped with someone who uses us for his entertainment by goading us into a fight.

It fundamentally makes no sense to us, but it’s completely logical to him because he maintains that we are the reason for his behavior, we are the cause of every problem in his life. He believes that he ‘has to’ behave the way he does because we ‘just don’t get it/him.’ This is crazy-making in the extreme but it’s what we victims live with.

But we can learn self-control and self-discipline to not instantly respond to his craziness. We can train ourselves to pause and carefully construct any response that may be absolutely necessary, and determine if a response is even required.

Controlling and crafting our responses (if we respond at all) requires maturing beyond the automatically triggered defenses we leap into time after time. The compulsion to always and instantly respond can be overwhelming, to always respond to insults, injustice, being baited, lied to and so on. Overcoming this impulse is possible by training ourselves and developing an expanded repertoire of behaviors.

Yes, there is injustice in having to learn to not allow ourselves to be ruled by our compulsion to respond. Put another way, why do we have to learn and grow? What about him? The answer: Do we really want to continue to be like him, impulsive and uncontrolled?

Practical Strategies for Regaining Control

How can we learn to handle the insanity of the situation we are in?

1. Schedule time every day to be by yourself and to be kind to yourself. Picture what a peaceful life would be like. Examine every detail of that peaceful life.

2. Deeply, profoundly accept the reality that your abuser is never, ever going to change his/her behavior. Nothing you do will change them. Stop yourself from thinking you can find the solution. You can’t. 

3. Choose at least three words to define yourself as you wish to view yourself. “Dignified, intelligent, calm, careful, and discerning” are good words to start with. Examine every detail of how each of those words look when you say them about yourself. Say each word as “I am” phrases: I am dignified, I am intelligent, I am calm, etc. Emphasize each word in the sentence when you repeat each sentence. 

4. Begin to practice what I term “The Great Pause.” Regardless of what is happening in your life, train yourself to always pause, look at the situation as though it is playing out on a stage and you are merely an audience member. And do not respond to it until you have examined the situation. You will be surprised to discover how many times you simply don’t need to respond. 

5. Begin to practice what I term “The Great Question.” In every situation, pause and say to yourself, “I think quietly before I speak. It may not need to be said.” You will be amazed at how often we want to talk just to hear ourselves. Not talking and learning to listen effectively can result in truly revealing information about our situation.

This is the beginning of learning to emotionally distance yourself from your abuser(s), learning to see them more clearly for what they are, and to open up a world of new behaviors to put to good use as you survive and grow.

As you mature in your ability to choose how you will be in your life, your abuser will most likely increase efforts to throw you off your journey. But with commitment, you will become so strong that they can badger you and you will have the dignity and strength to turn away from them and immerse yourself in your very private life. Remember, they are clever and cunning, but they cannot read your mind. Learning to keep your mind safe from them can be the beginning of rescuing yourself from a miserable life.

Excerpted from: The Miserable Marriage Handbook for Women: How to Survive and Grow While Trapped in a Miserable Marriage by Kathleen Keith

Featured image: Managing reactions to abuse. Source: WavebreakmediaMicro / Adobe Stock.

Boundaries vs. Control: Navigating the Fine Line in Relationships

By
Charlotte Bragg
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boundaries vs control

Boundaries are the personal guidelines and needs that outline what you are and aren’t willing to accept in a relationship. Their purpose is to maintain a balanced, healthy, and fulfilling connection by ensuring mutual respect and understanding between both partners.

As society has placed more emphasis on emotional wellness and mental health over recent years, the overall awareness of boundaries has grown which, while being a positive development overall, increases the likelihood of the concept of boundaries being exploited by abusers who are looking to disguise and justify their controlling behavior.

In a nutshell, boundaries are about defining your personal limits and what you will or won’t tolerate. On the other hand, control is about imposing your will on someone else to limit their freedom.

The weaponization of boundaries is a very nuanced way in which abusive partners can exert control over victims, making the ability to understand the distinction between healthy boundaries and control extremely important.

The Difference Between Boundaries and Control

While boundaries are designed to protect your emotional well-being, control seeks to limit your autonomy. Here’s a breakdown of how to differentiate between the two in the context of boundaries vs. control:

 BoundariesControl
IntentSet to protect and respect your well-being.Set to dominated or dictate another person’s behavior.
OwnershipOwnership is on you – what you will or won’t tolerate.Ownership is on the other person – trying to make them do or be something.
OutcomeCreate healthy, balanced relationships with mutual respect.Create an imbalanced power dynamic with one person dominating the other.
RespectHonor your own values while respecting the other’s autonomy.Disregard the other person’s autonomy to satisfy your own needs or insecurities.
ConveyedCommunicated openly and honestly.Hidden behind the guise of ‘concern’ or ‘protection’.

Controlling Behavior Disguised as Boundaries

It’s essential to recognize when controlling behavior is being masqueraded as a boundary. Here are some examples that illustrate control and NOT a boundary:

Isolation from Friends

A controlling partner might express discomfort with you having friends of the opposite sex, framing it as a boundary for your safety or the integrity of your relationship. They may say, “I don’t like you hanging out with those friends. I think you should just cut them off for the sake of our relationship.”

While spending more time together may seem reasonable, it becomes controlling if it leads to isolating you from your social circle or restricting your interactions. This behavior can create a toxic dynamic where your world revolves solely around them.

Monitoring Communication

If a partner insists on checking your phone or social media accounts, or requests all of your passwords “for trust” or “to ensure your safety,” this is a form of control disguised as a boundary. Trust should be established through open communication and respect for each other’s privacy, not through invasive monitoring.

Dismissal of Different Opinions

If a partner expresses, “If you can’t see things my way, then I don’t think we should be together,” this is a form of controlling behavior disguised as a boundary. Healthy relationships thrive on open dialogue and diverse perspectives; attempting to silence or dismiss your opinions indicates a desire for control rather than a commitment to mutual respect.

Avoiding Discussion and Accountability

Needing space from your partner is an extremely healthy boundary in a relationship, but a controlling partner may weaponize this boundary to avoid taking accountability after abusive episodes. They may something like, “I don’t want to talk about this. I need my space, so stop bringing it up. If you can’t respect that, then I don’t want to see you until you learn to back off.”

If your partner repeatedly expresses a ‘need for space’ when you confront them about their negative behavior, or refuses to engage in any form of conversation about hurtful things they have done, this so-called “boundary” has crossed the line into emotional abuse. It’s important to differentiate between a legitimate need for space and a tactic used to avoid accountability.

Understanding the Difference

Recognizing the difference between boundaries and control is essential for maintaining healthy relationships. By understanding the distinctions between them and being clued in to how abusers can exploit the concept of boundaries, you can avoid being manipulated by this insidious tactic.  Authentic boundaries are meant to protect oneself, while control seeks to dominate another. Understanding this distinction is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and recognizing abusive dynamics.

References

Drescher, Anna, 2024. Boundaries vs. Control in Relationships. SimplyPsychology.

Gibson, Thais, 2024. 8 Key Differences Between Setting Boundaries and Needing Control. PDS: The Personal Development School.

TandemPsychology, 2024. Boundaries vs. Controlling Behavior: Where’s the Line? TandemPsychology.

Featured image: Know the difference between boundaries and control. Source: fizkes / Adobe Stock.

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