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Stealing Joy: How Abusers Strip Victims of Their Hobbies and Talents

By
Samara Knight
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lost hobbies in abusive relationships

Abusive relationships often revolve around control, and for many victims, that control extends to their hobbies and talents. Abusers can subtly, or not so subtly, chip away at the joy and independence these activities provide. Over time, people find themselves giving up the very things that once brought them happiness. Here, survivors share their experiences of how they lost touch with their hobbies and interests due to abusive relationships.

The Slow Erosion of Personal Interests

For many survivors, the process of giving up hobbies doesn’t happen all at once. Instead, it’s a slow and painful erosion of their personal interests, often fueled by emotional manipulation, belittling, and gaslighting.

“I gradually gave up all my hobbies and interests during my marriage,” one survivor shared. “It just wasn’t worth the insults, teasing, cold shouldering, and anger. I did what he wanted instead.”

This type of subtle discouragement can make it easier for abusers to dominate their partner’s life. The survivor’s energy becomes entirely focused on meeting the needs and desires of the abuser, leaving little room for anything else.

“I crochet since I was 10 years old. He had a problem with that. He had a problem with absolutely everything that brings me joy,” shared another survivor.

 The constant criticism takes its toll, making the survivor feel as though their interests are no longer valid. This could eventually cause them to lose their hobbies due to the abusive relationship.

Minimizing and Mocking Passions

One of the most common control tactics an abusive person will use is to mock or belittle their partner’s interests, making them feel as though their hobbies are a waste of time or childish.

“He said I was doing boring stuff—coloring, journaling, reading, arts and crafts. He told me I was wasting my money and time buying supplies and even threatened to throw them away. I told him I would just keep buying them.”

This form of belittling can be devastating, particularly when someone has deep connections to their hobbies. For some, hobbies represent more than just a pastime—they are a source of peace, joy, and self-expression. Yet, in an abusive relationship, even these outlets are subject to control.

One violinist shared how her passion for music became a target: “Yes, I am a violinist. I’ve played since I was eight. If I played for his friends, he would encourage me. But if I played on my own or wanted to go to concerts, he would mock me, say that my music was boring. I would only play if he wasn’t home. Now I’m back in an orchestra.”

Destroying the Joy of Learning

For many, hobbies are also about personal growth and learning. Yet even this aspect of self-development can become a point of contention in abusive relationships.

“One year, I took a semester of Japanese at GA Tech, and he was instantly suspicious of it. At the end of the semester, a classmate held a party, and we all brought our spouses. His reaction was to think it was all weird. Any kind of learning on my part irked him. Friends from outside his social networks were a cause for suspicion.”

For abusers, the idea of their partner growing, learning, or expanding their horizons is often seen as a threat. Keeping their partner limited to their world maintains control. The more the victim grows, the harder they are to control.

Health and Energy Worn Down

Abuse doesn’t just drain a person emotionally and mentally—it also takes a physical toll. The constant stress and pressure can lead to exhaustion, leaving little energy for hobbies.

“He kept me so busy with all of his wants and needs that I didn’t have the energy to do any of my interests or hobbies. And it’s not like we ever did anything I wanted to do—it was truly all about him and what I could do for him.”

For some individuals, this constant state of exhaustion results in hobbies falling away simply because there’s no energy left to enjoy them. “When my health got worse when I was with him, I began to recognize what an energy vampire he was for me.”

Jealousy and Envy: Sabotaging Passions

In many cases, abusers are driven by jealousy and envy of their partner’s talents and interests, turning hobbies into targets for destruction.

“All my abusers did this. They either found ways to exclude me from my hobbies, discourage or minimize me from doing them, or even destroy them entirely. My abusive ex once smashed my keyboard. I demanded a replacement, but he would find ways to hinder me from playing or even going to choir and orchestra rehearsals.”

An abusive person may go to great lengths to sabotage any activity that doesn’t involve them, and even dictate the terms of what hobbies their partner is “allowed” to have. As another survivor explains, “It had to be something he wanted to do as well if it required money, time, or travel. I could have other interests, but they needed to be only on the computer. No physical hobbies, no talking about the hobby, and no letting the hobby get in the way of him.”

The jealousy and envy abusers feel toward their partner’s talents or passions can be so intense that they actively seek to undermine them. This isn’t just about control—it’s about ensuring that the survivor never experiences joy, success, or fulfillment outside the relationship.

Lost Hobbies and Rebuilding Joy After Abuse

For many survivors, rebuilding their connection to hobbies and passions after leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult. Years of belittlement, manipulation, and isolation take a toll, and the joy they once found in these activities can be hard to recapture.

One survivor reflected on the lasting impact of his abusive relationship: “Six years out, and I haven’t really been able to rekindle any interest in things that I was once enthusiastic about. There was a time when I had the health and energy to pursue some of these things, but now I either lack the energy or the manual dexterity. My workshop and tools have fallen into disrepair, and just living is about all I can do.”

Others, like the violinist who returned to her orchestra, find that reclaiming their hobbies is an essential part of their healing journey. After years of being silenced, finding a way back to the things that once brought joy can be a powerful step toward rebuilding a life free from control.

The stories of these survivors illustrate just how insidious the control exerted by abusers can be. Hobbies, passions, and interests that once brought joy and fulfillment are often the first things to be taken away. For those in abusive relationships, this loss represents more than just giving up a pastime—it’s a loss of self, autonomy, and identity.

But for many survivors, the journey to reclaiming these parts of themselves is also a journey toward healing. As one survivor put it, “Abusers can take away a lot, but they can’t take away your right to rebuild.”

Featured images: Survivors recount how they lost and rekindled joy in their hobbies after abusive relationships. Source: Bangkok Click Studio / Adobe Stock.

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.  

How Future Faking Traps Victims in Toxic Relationships

By
Angie Doel
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future faking

Psychological manipulation takes many forms, and one particularly harmful tactic is known as “future faking.” Narcissists and other abusive individuals use this subtle yet powerful manipulation tool to control and maintain power over their partners. This strategy can keep people entangled in toxic relationships, hoping for a better future that never materializes.

What is Future Faking?

Future faking refers to making promises a person never intends to fulfill in the future with the sole goal of keeping a partner emotionally invested in a relationship. Promises often include commitments like marriage, children, buying a home together, or career advancements. The abuser uses these promises to create a sense of hope and security, making the victim believe that a happy future together is just around the corner. However, the key element of future faking is that the promises are never meant to be fulfilled.

The promises are made purely to manipulate the victim into staying in the relationship, believing things will eventually improve. The abusive partner continuously pushes the promised future further away, always with a new excuse or reason for the delay. This cycle keeps the victim holding onto the hope of a better tomorrow while the abuser maintains control.

How Does Future Faking Work?

Abusers present themselves as charming and attentive at the start of the relationship. They talk about the wonderful life they will share with their partner and how they see them as a life-long companion. The victim, often unaware of the manipulation, may believe they have found someone who truly loves them and wants to build a future together.

As the relationship progresses, the promises become more elaborate. The abuser may talk about “shared” goals, such as getting married, having children, or moving to a new city. These promises serve as emotional bait. The other person feels unique and chosen, believing they are an integral part of their partner’s life plans. However, when it comes time to follow through on these promises, the abusive individual always finds a way to back out or delay.

Over time, the victim becomes confused, frustrated, and emotionally drained. They may ask themselves, “Am I doing something wrong?” or “Why isn’t this happening yet?” The abuser, meanwhile, continues to make more promises, sometimes fulfilling a few of them as a trap to keep the cycle going. Their partner remains hopeful, convinced the promises will come true if they just wait a little longer or put in more effort.

Why Do Abusers Use Future Faking?

Future faking is effective because it taps into a basic human need—hope. Most people want to believe in a better future, especially when they are in love or deeply invested in a relationship. Abusers understand this and exploit that hope to keep their victims attached. They create a powerful emotional bond by dangling the possibility of a happy future.

In many cases, future faking is used by narcissists, who thrive on maintaining control and keeping their victims emotionally dependent. Narcissists often view relationships as transactions, where they extract emotional, financial, or physical resources from their partners. By making promises they never intend to keep, they ensure that their partner remains focused on the future rather than questioning the present reality of the relationship. Victims have a false sense of security and fail to recognize the abusive behaviors happening in the present.

The Psychological Impact of Future Faking

Future faking is a form of emotional abuse that erodes an individual’s self-esteem and self-worth over time. Victims feel trapped in a cycle of hope and disappointment, which leads to confusion, anxiety, and depression.

While the person believes that the promises of the future will eventually come true, they are less likely to confront their abusive partner about their current behavior. They may make excuses for the abuser or rationalize the delays, telling themselves that things will get better once the promises are fulfilled.

Future faking creates deep feelings of betrayal and loss when the person finally realizes the promised future will never materialize. This realization can be emotionally devastating, as it often comes after months or even years of emotional investment. People may feel as though they have wasted precious time in the relationship, leading to feelings of shame and guilt for not recognizing the abuse sooner.

Recognizing the Signs of Future Faking

The manipulation is often subtle, and the abuser may seem sincere in their promises. Here are some red flags to watch for:

  1. Overly Grand Promises Early in the Relationship. If your partner starts making elaborate promises about the future early on, without much foundation, this could be a sign of future faking.
  2. Repeated Delays or Excuses. It’s a red flag if your partner consistently finds reasons to delay or avoid following through on their promises.
  3. Feeling Confused or Doubtful. If you frequently question the relationship’s future or feel confused about where you stand, this may indicate future faking.
  4. No Evidence of Progress. Despite all the promises, nothing seems to change. There are no concrete steps taken toward fulfilling the future your partner promised.

You Deserve Better

Future faking is a highly destructive form of emotional abuse. By making promises of a better future, abusers manipulate their victims into staying in toxic relationships. Recognizing the signs of future faking is the first step toward breaking free from this harmful dynamic. If you find yourself trapped in a cycle of unfulfilled promises, it’s essential to prioritize your well-being and get out of the relationship or seek support. You deserve a healthy and fulfilling relationship built on trust and mutual respect—not manipulation and false promises.

References

Campbell, W. K., & Campbell, S. M. (2009). The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement. Free Press.

Simon, G. K. (2010). In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. Parkhurst Brothers Publishers.

Featured Image: Future Faking is emotional manipulation abusers use to keep someone in a toxic relationship. Source: gballgiggs  / Adobe Stock

The Disturbing Link Between Pregnancy and Domestic Abuse

By
Angie Doel
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pregnancy and domestic abuse

Domestic abuse affects individuals across all demographics, but a particularly vulnerable group is pregnant women. Research shows that domestic violence often begins or intensifies during pregnancy, placing both the mother and her unborn child at significant risk.

According to alarming statistics, homicide is the leading cause of death for pregnant women in the United States, underscoring the severity of this issue.

This article explores the factors contributing to the increase in domestic abuse during pregnancy, the consequences of such abuse, and how society can work to address this tragic problem.

Pregnancy can introduce stress, changes in relationship dynamics, and shifts in power balance, particularly in relationships where one partner exhibits controlling or abusive behaviours. Several factors explain why domestic abuse often starts or escalates during pregnancy:

  • Increased Stress and Anxiety. Pregnancy is a time of heightened emotional and physical changes. For some individuals prone to abusive behaviours, the increased financial, emotional, and social stressors during pregnancy may exacerbate controlling or violent tendencies. A partner may feel more overwhelmed by the responsibility of impending parenthood, leading to lashing out at the pregnant partner.
  • Jealousy and Loss of Control. Abusers thrive on maintaining control over their partners. The attention and care directed toward the pregnant woman and the unborn child can provoke jealousy or feelings of inadequacy in an abusive partner. In such cases, the pregnancy represents a threat to the abuser’s control, resulting in escalated abusive behaviours as they attempt to reassert dominance.
  • Increased Dependence on the Abuser. Pregnancy may make the victim more dependent on the abuser for financial support or emotional care. The sense of dependency can embolden an abuser, as they perceive their partner to be more vulnerable and less likely to leave the relationship. Abusers may take advantage of this perceived helplessness to tighten their grip on their partner through physical, emotional, and financial abuse.
  • Isolation. During pregnancy, some women may become more socially isolated, either due to physical limitations or increased focus on family and child-rearing responsibilities. Abusers may further this isolation by cutting their partner off from support systems like friends, family, or healthcare providers. This isolation increases the power imbalance in the relationship, giving the abuser more control and reducing the victim’s ability to seek help.

The Scope of Domestic Abuse During Pregnancy

The prevalence of domestic abuse during pregnancy is both shocking and underreported. According to a study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), one in six women experiences domestic violence during pregnancy. For many women, pregnancy may mark the first time they experience abuse. Studies have also shown that domestic abuse during pregnancy is not only physical but also psychological, financial, and sexual in nature.

Pregnant women subjected to intimate partner violence are at a higher risk of a range of physical and mental health problems. The stress and trauma of abuse can lead to complications such as preterm labour, low birth weight, and miscarriage. Furthermore, the emotional toll of living in fear and under constant duress affects the mother’s mental health, often leading to depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Homicide: The Leading Cause of Death for Pregnant Women

One of the most alarming statistics related to intimate partner violence and pregnancy is that homicide is the leading cause of death for pregnant women in the United States. According to a 2021 study published in Obstetrics & Gynecology, pregnant and postpartum women are more likely to die from homicide than from any other cause, including pregnancy-related complications. In many cases, these homicides are committed by intimate partners, indicating a direct link between domestic abuse and pregnancy-related homicides.

The study revealed that pregnant and postpartum women have a homicide rate of 2.9 per 100,000 live births, which is significantly higher than the general population. This statistic highlights the extreme danger pregnant women face in abusive relationships, as the combination of pregnancy and domestic abuse can result in fatal outcomes.

Consequences for Unborn Children

The impact of domestic abuse during pregnancy extends beyond the mother—it can also have severe consequences for the unborn child. Studies show that pregnant women who experience domestic abuse are more likely to have premature births, low birth weight babies, and children with developmental delays. The physical trauma inflicted on the mother can cause placental abruption (the premature separation of the placenta from the uterus), which can be life-threatening for both the mother and baby.

Stress hormones released during abusive incidents cross the placenta, affecting foetal development. Chronic stress and trauma during pregnancy have been linked to long-term emotional and cognitive difficulties in children. Thus, the harm caused by domestic abuse during pregnancy can have lasting repercussions on the child’s development, well-being, and future.

Barriers to Seeking Help

Despite the grave dangers, many pregnant women remain in abusive relationships due to various obstacles that make it difficult to seek help. Some of these barriers include:

  • Fear of Retaliation: Pregnant women may fear that leaving the abuser will provoke further violence or lead to retaliation.
  • Financial Dependency: Many pregnant women, particularly those not working during pregnancy, may be financially dependent on their abusers, making it difficult to leave the relationship without risking financial ruin.
  • Lack of Awareness: Some women may not realize they are in an abusive relationship, particularly if the abuse is emotional or psychological. In other cases, they may believe that the abuse will stop after the baby is born.
  • Cultural and Social Pressures: Cultural and societal norms that emphasize keeping the family together may prevent women from leaving abusive relationships, especially during pregnancy.

A Tragic Reality for Many Women

Regardless of the form it takes, domestic abuse during pregnancy has severe consequences for both mother and baby. The physical toll of abuse can result in complications like miscarriage, preterm labour, low birth weight, and long-term developmental issues for the baby. Emotional and psychological abuse can also lead to stress, anxiety, and postpartum depression, which can affect the victim’s ability to bond with their child and care for themselves after pregnancy.

Domestic abuse during pregnancy is a tragic reality for many women, leading to devastating consequences for both the mother and unborn child.

References

American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG). Intimate Partner Violence.
Retrieved from: https://www.acog.org.

Bailey, B.A. (2010). Partner Violence During Pregnancy: Prevalence, Effects, Screening, and Management. Journal of Women’s Health, 19(4), 583-591.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Reproductive Health: Intimate Partner Violence During Pregnancy. Retrieved from: https://www.cdc.gov/reproductivehealth.

Silverman, J.G., Decker, M.R., Reed, E., & Raj, A. (2006). Intimate Partner Violence Around the Time of Pregnancy: Association with Pregnancy Intendedness, Pregnancy-Related Care, and Newborn Health. American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, 195(2), 1-9.

Wallace, M.E., Gillispie-Bell, V., Cruz, K., Davis, K., & Howell, E. (2021). Homicide During Pregnancy and the Postpartum Period in the United States. Obstetrics & Gynecology, 138(5), 762-769.

World Health Organization (WHO). Violence Against Women: A Major Risk Factor for Pregnancy-Related Deaths. Retrieved from: https://www.who.int.

Featured Image: Research shows there is an increased risk of intimate partner violence during pregnancy. Source: ryanking999 / Adobe Stock

Sleep Deprivation Abuse: When Sleep Becomes a Weapon of Control

By
Charlotte Bragg
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sleep deprivation abuse

Coercive control is often discussed in the context of emotional and psychological manipulation, but one lesser known, though equally insidious, form of coercive control is sleep deprivation abuse.

While it’s well understood that many victims of domestic abuse suffer from sleep disturbances due to the trauma they experience in their relationships, sleep deprivation abuse refers to situations where the abuser intentionally and systematically prevents their partner from sleeping. The goal is to make the victim easier to manipulate, control and abuse by physically exhausting them to the point that their mental clarity and emotional resilience declines.

Though sleep deprivation has been underacknowledged in the discourse surrounding domestic abuse, survivors, advocates, and counsellors are beginning to recognize its importance. One case, as reported by Australia’s 9News, illustrates how this form of abuse manifested in a particularly malicious manner.

Christina’s Experience

Christina, a domestic violence survivor, recounted how her ex-husband weaponized sleep deprivation as part of his coercive control strategy. As she was about to fall asleep, exhausted from the day, her ex-husband would begin relentless arguments. He would initiate these circular discussions late at night, once their children were in bed and Christina was on the verge of sleep. His arguments weren’t loud or overtly aggressive, but their persistent nature drained Christina of her emotional energy.

These exchanges could last for hours – and just as she would begin to drift off to sleep, her ex-husband would return to the argument, making statements like, “If I can’t sleep, you can’t either”. If she did fall asleep, he’d wake her by shaking the mattress or kicking her. When he’d kick her it wasn’t physically violent enough to leave marks, but it was sufficient to disrupt her sleep. When Christina asked whether he had kicked her, he’d gaslight her by denying it, causing her to question her reality.

Her ex-husband would then force her to wake up early every morning, regardless of how little sleep she had gotten. He would switch on the lights at 5:30 a.m. and insist she get up, even if she’d been awake all night. Thoroughly exhausted, Christina realized that she was too tired to argue with him anymore and began to agree with him on everything – just to have a chance to rest.

Christina’s experience is a poignant example of how sleep deprivation abuse can break down a victim’s defences, leaving them vulnerable to further emotional, psychological and physical abuse. The sustained lack of sleep impaired her ability to think clearly, eroded her confidence, and left her physically and emotionally depleted.

How Sleep Deprivation Becomes a Tool of Abuse

Sleep deprivation is a form of psychological abuse and coercive control that subtly chips away at a person’s mental and physical well-being. When a person is deprived of rest, their cognitive abilities, including memory and decision-making, are significantly impaired. Their ability to resist or think clearly diminishes, leaving them more vulnerable to the abuser’s demands and more likely to comply due to sheer exhaustion. Perpetrators exploit this vulnerability, using the victim’s fatigue to escalate the abuse and further tighten their control.

Perpetrators use various tactics to prevent their partner from getting adequate rest. Some of these include:

  • Forcing late-night arguments: As Christina’s case illustrates, abusers will often wait until their partner is exhausted to initiate long, circular arguments that last for hours.
  • Physical disruptions: Kicking, jerking, or otherwise physically disturbing their partner to wake them up or keep them from falling asleep.
  • Gaslighting: When the victim asks about being woken up, the abuser denies any actions, leaving the victim confused about what actually happened.
  • Controlling the morning routine: As Christina experienced, abusers may also force their partner to wake up early after depriving them of sleep, further intensifying exhaustion.

By depriving their partners of sleep, abusers create an environment where the victim is too tired to argue or resist. This exhaustion leads to disorientation, difficulty thinking clearly, and a brain fog that allows the abuser to more easily control their partner. As Christina noted, she eventually gave in to her husband’s demands, simply because she was too tired to continue resisting.

The Psychological and Physical Impact of Sleep Deprivation Abuse

The effects ofsleep deprivation abuse are associated with many health issues, such as:

  • Cognitive impairment: Sleep is essential for memory consolidation and problem-solving. When deprived of rest, individuals experience difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness and a reduced ability to think critically.
  • Emotional exhaustion: Lack of sleep affects emotional regulation, leading to heightened stress, irritability and increased vulnerability to depression and anxiety.
  • Physical health issues: Prolonged sleep deprivation weakens the immune system, making individuals more susceptible to illness. Over time, sleep deprivation can contribute to serious conditions such as heart disease, high blood pressure, and even an increased risk of certain cancers.

Sleep deprivation abuse has serious effects, yet it is often overlooked. It can have devastating consequences on a victim’s overall health. Prolonged lack of sleep weakens both mental and physical resilience, making it harder to identify or break free from the cycle of abuse.

Christina’s story illustrates this all too well, as her exhaustion left her vulnerable, unable to resist her ex-husband’s demands, and even unaware of the full extent of the control being exerted over her. It was only after seeking counselling and working with a domestic violence specialist that she began to see her sleep deprivation as part of a larger pattern of coercive control.

Understanding sleep deprivation as a deliberate tactic of coercive control sheds light on the deep psychological manipulation at play and highlights the importance of recognizing all forms of abuse—especially those that lurk beneath the surface.

References

BreakTheSilenceDV (2019). Emotional abuse and Sleep Deprivation as Tools of Coercion – Part Three. BTSADV, The National Voice of Domestic Violence.

Kippert, Amanda (2018). Sleep Deprivation used as Abuse Tactic. DomesticShelters.org.

McPherson, Emily (2024). The little-known form of coercive control ‘no-one is talking about. 9News.

Featured Image: Sleep deprivation abuse is an underacknowledged but extremely insidious coercive control tactic. Source:  stokkete / Adobe Stock

Learning to Love and Trust Again After Domestic Abuse: Survivors Share Their Stories

By
Samara Knight
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Learning to love and trust after domestic abuse

Rebuilding trust and learning to love again after leaving an abusive relationship is often one of the hardest parts of the healing process for survivors. The effects of emotional, physical, and psychological abuse can leave deep scars, and for many, the thought of trusting another person—or even themselves—feels impossible. However, as many survivors have shared, while the journey is difficult, it is also full of small victories and moments of healing.

The Struggle to Trust Again

For many survivors, learning to trust again is not only about trusting others but also about trusting themselves and their own judgment. After years of being manipulated, gaslighted, and controlled, people often question their ability to make good decisions and to recognize red flags. This lack of trust can extend to friends, family members, and future romantic partners.

“I’ve always been a trusting person, but after the abuse, major trust issues are coming to the surface for me. It’s so hard. I’m not sure what this part of the journey will look like yet,” shares one survivor, reflecting on the internal conflict that arises when trust has been broken.

Another survivor comments, “I can’t trust people completely without some reservations. I believe I will always have to be prepared for the unexpected.” For many, this sense of guardedness becomes a form of self-protection, a learned response from years of betrayal.

“I constantly question myself now,” admits another person. “I worry that I’ll miss the signs and fall into the same traps again. Trusting my own judgment feels like the hardest part, because I ignored so many red flags before. I don’t want to make the same mistakes.”

“I could be in a relationship for 20 years and still think the next argument will be the end of it all,” another survivor shares. “The longer the relationship lasts, the more I’m apt to believe I’m being lulled into a false sense of security.” This hypervigilance, born out of previous experiences, often makes it hard for survivors to relax and feel safe, even in healthy relationships.

Learning to Trust After Abuse

Despite the difficulties, survivors also describe the steps they’ve taken to rebuild trust after abuse. For some, it has meant being very selective about who they allow into their lives and how they approach new relationships.

“I adopted a mindset of ‘trust is earned, not immediately freely given,’” one person explains. “It’s like ‘stranger danger’ for adults. Having boundaries, not dismissing red flags, and listening to my intuition has been key.”

For others, the journey starts with learning to trust themselves again after the abusive relationship. “I spent time alone and learned that I can rely on myself to meet my own needs,” one survivor says. “It was then that I realized I was ready to make room for another person in my life.”

This self-reliance is echoed by another individual, who reflects, “I trusted people for years, and they didn’t betray me, so I remind myself that meeting the narcissist won’t stop me from trusting people. But now, my sense of judgment and spotting abusive behaviors is much sharper.”

The Impact of New Relationships

Survivors often find that entering a new, healthy relationship can be both healing and triggering. Many individuals talk about how, after years of abuse, they are conditioned to expect the worst. Even in loving relationships, they may brace themselves for criticism or emotional outbursts, constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“Despite knowing my new partner for years, I spent the first year waiting for the criticism, the screaming, for a reaching hand to be painful instead of gentle,” one survivor recalls. “I’m luckily past that now. REAL love has healed parts of me I had forgotten existed. I feel secure, safe, happy.”

Another survivor reflects on the mental scars that remain despite being in a positive relationship: “It took me a couple of years. I’ve been with my partner for four years now, and he’s so laid-back, but I still sometimes jump if he quietly approaches me. So many mental scars have faded, but they’re always going to be there, tucked away, with triggers waiting.”

These moments of fear, anxiety, and even paranoia are common for survivors. One person admits, “I still feel like I’m waiting for history to repeat itself. If I see any red flags, I’m out. I will never allow myself to be treated or disrespected like that again.”

Healing through Patience and Self-Awareness

While new relationships can bring up past pain, they also offer the opportunity for healing. Survivors speak of partners who are patient, gentle, and understanding of their trauma, helping them feel safe enough to start trusting again.

“I’m with someone who is patient and chill,” one person says. “It took me three years to heal and find a healthy partner. We have the same love language, and it helps.”

Another survivor notes the importance of patience and communication in the healing process: “My husband loves me on the days I’m super productive and loves me just as much when I’m worn out. I still slip into negative thoughts sometimes, but I catch myself and stop them in their tracks. I’m open with him about my past, and he reminds me that he is not ‘that guy.’”

Learning to love again after abuse is not just about finding a supportive partner, though. Many survivors emphasize the importance of self-love, boundaries, and recognizing their own worth. As one survivor puts it, “I had to find myself again before letting anyone else close. I know my worth now.”

The Pain and Joy of New Love

For some survivors, the experience of new love brings up complex emotions, including grief for what was lost in the abusive relationship. As one person explains, “Not only is it wonderful and safe, but it also brings up a lot of grief and anger over everything that was sacrificed for the abusive one. It’s a lot of work, like all relationships, but a little harder because certain things can be unexpectedly triggering.”

Another survivor shares a similar sentiment: “It’s hard. When it’s real, it’s worth it. But the scars and triggers remain. There are good days and bad days, but it’s a journey.”

Yet, despite the difficulties, many survivors describe a profound sense of relief when they finally find a healthy relationship. “I’m no longer exhausted from pretending to be perfect,” one survivor says. “I’m supported. I’m made to feel safe. The world is 180 degrees different than I thought it could ever be.”

Finding Self-Fulfillment

Not every survivor of abuse chooses to re-enter romantic relationships. Some make a conscious decision to remain single, finding peace and fulfillment on their own terms. As one survivor explains, “I chose to stay single because I realized that my happiness and sense of worth no longer depend on someone else. I’ve found joy in my independence, in building a life that’s entirely mine. It’s freeing to know that I don’t need to be in a relationship to feel complete—I can thrive on my own.” This sentiment reflects the empowering realization that healing and happiness can be achieved without the need for romantic love, but through self-love and self-care.

A Journey of Healing

Learning to trust and love again after domestic abuse is a long, winding road. Survivors often carry the scars of their past relationships into their new ones, but with time, patience, and self-awareness, many find healing. Whether it’s through rediscovering self-love, setting boundaries, or finding a partner who truly understands and supports them, the journey is one of resilience and hope.

As one survivor wisely said, “When your own internal guide has been systematically tampered with, it’s an uphill battle to trust your own decisions. But be patient and give yourself grace. Healing is a process, and every step forward is a victory.”

Featured Image: Learning to trust after abuse is often a difficult journey, but it is possible! Source: fantom_rd / Adobe Stock

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.  

Triangulation in Abusive Relationships: How Abusers Use Others to Exert Control

By
Angie Doel
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triangulation in relationships

Abusive relationships often involve much more than physical violence. Coercive control is a particularly insidious form of abuse, where one partner exercises dominance over the other through various means of manipulation, isolation, and emotional abuse. One tactic that often appears in coercive control dynamics is triangulation, a psychological strategy that involves using third parties to manipulate and destabilize the victim.

In this article, we’ll explore how coercive control and triangulation work together to maintain the power dynamics in abusive relationships, deepening the emotional damage and making it harder for victims to leave.

Understanding Coercive Control

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour designed to exert control over an individual by stripping them of their autonomy and independence. This form of abuse includes emotional manipulation, threats, surveillance, and restrictions on personal freedoms. Unlike physical abuse, coercive control can be subtle and pervasive, often leading the victim to doubt their perceptions of reality.

Coercive control is about power and domination. The abuser seeks to gain control over every aspect of their partner’s life—from whom they speak to, to where they go, and even how they think. This creates an environment where the victim is constantly walking on eggshells, afraid of upsetting their partner. Over time, the individual loses their sense of self, their confidence weakens, and they become dependent on the abuser for decisions they once made independently.

Triangulation in Abusive Relationships

Triangulation is a psychological tactic where an abuser uses one or more third parties to exert control in the relationship. This third party could be another romantic partner, friend, family member, or colleague. The purpose of triangulation is to create competition, doubt, and emotional conflict between the victim and the third party, which allows the abuser to manipulate and control the situation.

Triangulation often looks like the abuser pitting the victim against someone else; telling them that this third person disagrees with their perspective or dismisses their concerns.

The abuser may even feign a close relationship with someone else to make their partner feel inadequate, insecure, or jealous. The abuser might also encourage this person to criticize the victim or take sides in disagreements, further isolating the victim from a supportive network.

The introduction of another person into the abusive dynamic destabilizes the victim’s sense of reality and keeps them emotionally vulnerable. Triangulation makes it harder for people to trust their own judgment, as they are made to feel like they are the ones who are irrational or overly sensitive, particularly if the third party seems to support the abuser’s version of events.

Coercive Control and Triangulation: A Deadly Combination

Triangulation is used to reinforce control. The combination of these tactics causes profound psychological harm, making the victim feel alienated, unsupported, and completely dependent on the abuser. The following are ways triangulation and coercive control function together to maintain the abuser’s dominance:

  • Creating Uncertainty and Insecurity: One of the key goals of triangulation is to make their partner feel unsure of their place in the relationship. By introducing someone else—whether real or fabricated—the abuser sows seeds of doubt in the victim’s mind. They may say things like, “Well, my friend agrees with me that you’re overreacting,” or “Why can’t you be more like [this person]?” The victim feels off-balance and insecure, feeding into the abuser’s need for control.
  • Isolating the Victim: Abusers use triangulation to isolate their victims from friends, family, or support systems. For example, an abuser might tell the individual that their friend has been bad-mouthing them behind their back, creating distrust in that friend. Or the abuser might feign close friendships with people in the victim’s circle to prevent them from reaching out for help. The victim may start to feel like they have no one to turn to, effectively increasing their dependence on the abuser.
  • Manipulating Emotions: Abusers use triangulation to create jealousy, insecurity, or fear of abandonment. The victim may feel like they must compete for the abuser’s love or approval, leading to further entrenchment in the abusive relationship. The abuser may say things like, “If you don’t shape up, I’ll just find someone else who appreciates me,” or “I was talking to [so-and-so], and they agree that you’re too sensitive.” The victim constantly seeks the abuser’s approval, even at the expense of their own well-being.
  • Eroding Trust in Reality: One of the most damaging aspects of triangulation is its ability to make someone question their own reality. By involving a third party in their emotional conflicts, the abuser makes the victim feel as though they are not seeing things clearly. The abuser may even get others to unwittingly or intentionally side with them, which further invalidates the victim’s experiences. This form of gaslighting damages the individual’s ability to trust their own feelings, reinforcing the abuser’s control.
  • Maintaining Power Dynamics: Triangulation reinforces the existing power imbalance in the relationship. By creating competition or tension between the victim and a third party, the abuser ensures they remain at the centre of attention and control. The person is too preoccupied with competing for the abuser’s approval or managing emotional fallout to focus on their own needs or well-being. As a result, the abuser maintains complete emotional dominance.

The Psychological Impact of Coercive Control and Triangulation

Victims often experience chronic stress, anxiety, depression, and feelings of worthlessness. They may begin to believe they are the problem—that their inability to meet the abuser’s demands or “fix” the relationship means they are inherently flawed. Over time, the person’s identity is so enmeshed in the abusive relationship they lose sight of who they are outside of it.

Triangulation often makes it harder for people to seek help. If friends or family members have been pulled into the abusive dynamic through triangulation, the individual may feel like they have no one to turn to. The abuser’s manipulation creates a sense of isolation that keeps the victim trapped in the relationship, believing that no one else can understand or support them.

Recognize the Warning Signs

Coercive control and triangulation are powerful tools in an abuser’s arsenal. By manipulating emotions, creating insecurity, and isolating their victim, abusers maintain control over the relationship, deepening the psychological harm inflicted. Understanding these tactics can help people recognize the signs of abuse and seek the support they need to escape from the cycle of control and manipulation.

References

Dichter, M., Thomas, K., Crits-Cristoph, C., Ogden, S. & Rhodes, K. (2018). Coercive control in intimate partner violence: Relationship with women’s experience of violence, use of violence, and danger. Psychological Violence, 8(5): 596–604.

Klein, W, Li, S. & Wood, S. (2023). A qualitative analysis of gaslighting in romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 30(4): 1316-1340.

Featured image: Triangulation is a manipulation and isolation tactic often used in abusive relationships. Source: fizkes / Adobe Stock

10 Life-Changing Lessons from Domestic Abuse Survivors

By
Samara Knight
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advice from domestic abuse survivors

Surviving domestic abuse is an incredibly difficult journey, and those who have walked this path often have wisdom to share. For many, escaping abuse isn’t just about physically leaving—it’s about unlearning the patterns of control and manipulation that became a part of daily life. Here, domestic abuse survivors share their advice and offer these important lessons based on their own experiences.

Trust Your Gut and Listen to Your Body

One of the most consistent pieces of advice from survivors is to trust your instincts. Often, our bodies give us signals that something is wrong before we consciously realize it.

“Trust your guts. Never ignore that uncomfortable feeling your body gives you. Your body can tell you if you’re unsafe. Women have this wonderful sense for a reason. If you feel butterflies in your stomach, be vigilant and don’t question why—just stay away. That feeling is telling you it’s not safe to be around that person.”

This intuition can manifest early in a relationship, even in the form of seemingly small signs. Survivors urge others to listen to those feelings and take them seriously before the situation escalates.

Pay Attention to How People React to Your Success

Abusers often reveal themselves by how they react to your happiness or success. If they feel threatened by your accomplishments or try to undermine your confidence, that’s a clear red flag.

“Observe how a person reacts when you share events from your life. Are they happy and excited for you? If so, that’s a green flag. But if they discourage you, question your decisions, or seem unhappy about your achievements, that’s a red flag.”

Another warning sign is when your partner downplays your accomplishments or makes sarcastic comments about your success. “If they try to chip away at your confidence, they’re likely trying to exert control. A supportive partner will celebrate your wins, not make you feel undeserving.” These subtle behaviors can be easy to overlook at first but are often indicators of deeper manipulation.

Boundaries Are Crucial—Pay Attention to Reactions

Setting boundaries is an essential part of any healthy relationship. Survivors advise that how someone reacts to those boundaries says a lot about their character.

“Setting boundaries is okay, and they protect you. Watch how someone responds when you say no or express a boundary. If they try to push back or guilt you, that’s a major warning sign.”

Abusers often show their true colors when faced with boundaries, as they thrive on control. Their inability to respect your limits can reveal their manipulative tendencies.

Watch Out for Isolation Techniques

Isolation is a common tactic used by abusers to cut their victims off from support systems, making it easier to control them. Survivors emphasize the importance of maintaining connections with friends, family, and coworkers, no matter how much your partner tries to distance you from them.

“Abusers use isolation techniques, either by outright forbidding you from seeing others or making you feel guilty for spending time away from them. They want to be the only person you turn to so they can control your perspective.”

Another survivor advises, “If you notice that your partner consistently criticizes your friends or family, or they start complaining every time you make plans, that’s a major red flag. Slowly, they’ll make you feel like they’re the only one who truly understands you.” This gradual separation from loved ones can make you feel trapped and dependent on the abuser, which is exactly what they want.

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Beware of Manipulative Emotional Tactics

Manipulation is at the core of abusive relationships, and survivors warn that it can be subtle at first. Whether it’s guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or controlling behavior disguised as care, manipulation often starts small and grows over time.

“My abuser made playful jokes, but he was the only one laughing. Over time, those ‘jokes’ became insults aimed at tearing down my self-esteem. It’s subtle, but if you don’t resist it, they’ll keep pushing the boundaries until you lose yourself.”

Another survivor advises, “Be cautious of partners who twist things to make you feel guilty or responsible for their emotions. Statements like, ‘You made me do this,’ or, ‘I wouldn’t be this way if you didn’t…’ are manipulation tactics designed to shift blame and keep you walking on eggshells.” These subtle tactics can erode your confidence and sense of reality over time.

Look for Hot-and-Cold Behavior

Abusers often employ hot-and-cold behavior to condition their victims into compliance. This back-and-forth between affection and cruelty creates a trauma bond, making it harder to leave.

“They’ll give you the silent treatment when you set a boundary, only to later open back up, creating a cycle of despair and relief. It makes you feel like you’re constantly on edge, waiting for the next outburst.” This inconsistency can keep victims trapped, hoping the “good times” will return, only for the abuse to resurface once they let their guard down.

Another survivor advises, “Don’t mistake the ‘good moments’ for a turning point. Abusers know when to turn on the charm just enough to keep you from leaving. It’s a pattern of reward and punishment designed to keep you hooked, always hoping things will improve.”

Recognizing this cycle of manipulation is key to breaking free from the emotional trap.

Financial Independence Is Critical

One of the most practical pieces of advice survivors offer is the importance of financial independence. Having your own resources can be a lifeline if you need to leave an abusive situation.

“Make sure to have savings and a community you can turn to. If you ever need to leave, you should be able to do so at least financially. Don’t rely entirely on your partner for everything.”

Abusers often control finances as a way to maintain dominance, so having your own money can give you the freedom to make decisions without fear of losing everything.

Jealousy and Control Are Never About Love

Survivors want others to understand that obsessive jealousy and controlling behavior are not signs of love—they’re red flags. Abusers often disguise their need for control as care or concern, but it’s really about limiting your freedom.

“One of the biggest signs was the obsessive jealousy. It went from being ‘concerned’ about my safety to controlling who I could talk to and where I could go. It wasn’t love; it was control.”

If your partner is constantly demanding to know where you are or who you’re with, or if they try to control what you wear or how you act, that’s a sign of manipulation, not affection.

Learn to Trust Your Own Judgment Again

One of the hardest parts of healing from an abusive relationship is learning to trust yourself again. Many survivors struggle with this because abusers spend so much time convincing their victims that their feelings and perceptions are wrong.

“When your internal guide has been systematically tampered with, it’s an uphill battle to trust your own decisions. Be patient with yourself and give yourself grace as you rebuild that trust.”

Learning to trust yourself is a gradual process, but it’s essential for healing and moving forward.

You Are Not Obligated to Stay

Finally, survivors want others to know that you are never obligated to stay in a situation where you feel unsafe or unhappy, even if you’re married or have children.

“Being a wife does not mean you’re obligated to do things you don’t want to do. You have a right to your own autonomy, and you should never feel like you have to stay for the sake of appearances.”

Leaving is hard, but it’s often the best thing you can do for yourself—and sometimes, for your children. Many survivors regret staying as long as they did and want others to know that there’s no shame in leaving.

Final Thoughts

The advice from domestic abuse survivors is clear: trust your instincts, set boundaries, and don’t ignore the red flags. Abuse doesn’t always start with violence—it can begin with small manipulations, isolation, and emotional control. The earlier you recognize the signs, the sooner you can protect yourself. And if you’ve already experienced abuse, know that healing is possible. It takes time, patience, and support, but you can rebuild your life and learn to trust again.

Featured image: Domestic abuse survivor providing advice. Source: Cultura Creative / Adobe Stock.

Why Survivors Experience Grief After Leaving an Abusive Partner

By
Samara Knight
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grief after domestic abuse

When someone escapes an abusive relationship, many assume the immediate reaction will be relief. After all, they’ve freed themselves from someone who caused significant harm—surely freedom should bring peace. However, for many survivors, the reality is more complicated. Instead of the anticipated relief, they often experience deep grief, confusion, and sorrow. The path to healing after leaving domestic abuse is rarely straightforward, with survivors feeling a profound sense of loss in ways that others may struggle to understand.

Grief After Domestic Abuse: Mourning the Life That Could Have Been

One of the most common feelings survivors express is grief over the relationship they thought they had. The hope for love, companionship, and a shared future often turns out to be an illusion. As one survivor shared, “I grieved the relationship I never really had, the dreams that were never fulfilled, the love that was never real.” For years, they poured time, energy, and emotions into a relationship, only to realize that their partner never cared for them as they had hoped.

This grief is compounded when the realization sinks in that everything they believed in was a lie. As another survivor noted, “The grief was suffocating. Not just the discovery of his infidelity, but the realization that everything for our whole life was false because it was based on a person who didn’t actually exist.” Survivors are left mourning not just the partner they thought they knew, but also the future they envisioned.

The grief becomes even more profound when children are involved. Survivors not only grieve for themselves but also for their children, who suffer the loss of a cohesive family. One survivor explained, “I grieved what I’d hoped my marriage would be and for my children who wouldn’t have the family they deserved.” The future they once dreamed of—a happy family, a supportive partner—is shattered, leaving a painful void that can be difficult to fill.

Lost Time and Missed Opportunities

For many survivors, grief after domestic abuse also comes from the time they lost in the toxic relationship. They reflect on years spent trying to fix something that could never be mended. As one survivor put it, “I grieved for the years I felt I wasted trying to make the relationship work when I stood no chance.” The sense of loss is heightened by the opportunities missed and the emotional toll they endured during the abuse.

Beyond time, survivors often mourn the opportunities their abusers took from them. Many gave up careers, personal goals, and dreams. One survivor reflected, “I spent ten years in an abusive relationship, always wanting children, but he never did. He made that decision for both of us. Now that I’ve left, it’s too late for me to start a family, and I grieve that loss deeply.” This realization deepens the sorrow, as they grapple with what could have been but never was.

Losing Their Own Identity

Abuse doesn’t just take away opportunities; it often strips away a victim’s sense of self. Over time, many survivors lose touch with the person they once were. “It’s common for people to believe that when you leave an abusive relationship, you feel nothing but relief,” one survivor shared. “It’s not true. All I felt initially was overwhelming grief for the person I had become and the person I used to be, who got lost along the way.”

The sorrow is not just for the relationship but also for the person they had to become to survive it. They grieve for the identity that was suppressed or manipulated during the abusive relationship.

Trauma Bonds and Emotional Confusion

One of the reasons survivors may feel grief rather than relief is the presence of trauma bonds. Trauma bonding occurs when an abuser alternates between kindness and cruelty, keeping their victim emotionally hooked. Over time, the victim grows dependent on these rare moments of affection, making it even harder to leave—and even more challenging to move on after leaving.

As one survivor explained, “I kept holding on to the rare moments when he was kind, convincing myself those glimpses of love were real, even though the abuse never stopped.” These complex emotions can cloud the healing process, leaving survivors feeling confused about their feelings toward their abuser.

A Complex Emotional Landscape

Many survivors experience a tangled web of emotions—grief, guilt, shame, and self-doubt. One survivor shared, “I felt ashamed of myself for being stupid enough to have allowed myself to fall into a situation like that and felt like I should have recognized what was happening.” These emotions can isolate survivors, making it harder to seek support and begin the healing process.

Another survivor added, “Grief, heartache, shame, confusion, hopelessness, anger, fear, unworthiness… it’s exhausting.” These complex emotions are part of the aftermath of abuse, where victims struggle to untangle why they feel such profound grief for someone who caused them pain. Many survivors still also love their abuser despite the harm, which only adds to their confusion and grief.

Grieving the Pain They Endured

On top of grieving the relationship and missed opportunities, many survivors mourn what they endured. As they start to heal, they often feel deep sadness for the version of themselves that suffered so much without realizing they deserved better. The manipulation, control, and abuse become clearer, and with that understanding comes sorrow for the person they once were.

As one survivor shared, “I grieve for the person I was back then, always bending over backward to make it work, never realizing I was worth more. It’s heartbreaking to look back and see how much I tolerated, thinking that was all I deserved.” This grief stems from a growing sense of self-compassion, as survivors begin to offer themselves the kindness they were denied during the relationship.

Healing Takes Time

Recovery from domestic abuse is a slow, often non-linear process. “That the distress and trauma ends just by leaving him—that’s not true. It takes time and a sense of purpose to get over what happened to you,” one survivor said. “Your mind and heart are not slates that can just be wiped clean, ready to start again.”

Each survivor’s healing journey is different. Some may eventually find relief, while others will struggle with grief and confusion for months or even years. Healing isn’t just about leaving the abuser; it’s about rebuilding a sense of self, processing the trauma, and finding peace within oneself.

How to Support a Survivor

If someone in your life has left an abusive relationship, the best way to help is to meet them where they are. Don’t assume they will feel immediate relief or anger toward their abuser. Understand that they may be grieving not just the relationship, but everything they thought they had. Offering non-judgmental support and simply being present is one of the most valuable things you can do.

Grief after domestic abuse is real, valid, and deeply felt. Survivors mourn the time lost, the person they believed their partner to be, and the dreams they had to abandon. Healing takes time, patience, and understanding from those who support them as they navigate the complexities of their recovery.

Featured image: Grief after domestic abuse. Source: manit / Adobe Stock.

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.  

Julie Ann McIlwaine Trial: Domestic Abuse Victim Stabbed Partner to Death

By
Samara Knight
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Julie Ann McIlwaine

The trial of Julie Ann McIlwaine, accused of murdering her partner James Crossley, has raised profound questions about domestic abuse, victimization, and self-defense. McIlwaine, who fatally stabbed Crossley in March 2022, claims that years of physical and psychological abuse led her to the breaking point.

Her case highlights the blurred lines between victim and perpetrator, drawing comparisons to other landmark cases, such as that of Sally Challen, who was released from prison after killing her abusive husband. Both cases force society to reckon with the complexity of abusive relationships, where the distinction between defender and aggressor is often obscured.

The Relationship and Abuse

BBC reports that Julie Ann McIlwaine, a 33-year-old mother from West Belfast, had been in a tumultuous and violent relationship with James Crossley for over two years. The couple’s relationship, which began in January 2020, was marked by periods of separation, escalating violence, coercive control, and verbal abuse.

In the year prior to the fatal stabbing, Ms McIlwaine and her children had spent six months in a Women’s Aid refuge to escape Crossley’s abuse, but like many survivors of domestic violence, she struggled to break free entirely.

In her police interviews, Ms McIlwaine recounted the relentless abuse she endured. Crossley had physically assaulted her multiple times, including strangling her—an act that two expert psychiatrists testified is a significant predictor of future homicide in domestic abuse cases.

As Ms McIlwaine recounted in court, Crossley’s threats extended to her children. On several occasions, he told them directly, “There’s a bullet for you, a bullet for you, and a bullet for you.” [via Belfast Live].

His violent behavior had drawn the attention of social services, and at the time of the stabbing, he was out on bail for a previous assault on Ms McIlwaine.

A Life of Fear and Threats

Ms McIlwaine told the court that she lived in constant fear for her own life and that of her children. In addition to the physical violence, Crossley used psychological abuse and manipulation to maintain control. He threatened to kill her children, burn the house down, and cut her off from her family, whom he disparagingly referred to as “rats.”

Despite the terror she faced, Ms McIlwaine remained in the relationship, an all-too-common scenario for victims of domestic violence, who often feel trapped and powerless to leave.

On the night of the fatal stabbing, Ms McIlwaine claimed Crossley had given her an ultimatum: choose between him and her family. This was the breaking point for her. As Crossley fell asleep, she began pacing the bedroom, contemplating suicide, and later deciding to retrieve a large knife from downstairs.

“I just wanted it all to stop,” she told detectives, describing how she “blacked out” during the attack, stabbing him multiple times. Although she admitted, “I didn’t want him to die,” her actions were irreversible.

At the heart of Ms McIlwaine’s defense is the argument that she suffered from years of psychological torment, coercive control, and severe domestic violence. Two consultant psychiatrists testified that had Ms McIlwaine remained in the relationship, she would have been at risk of further serious violence or even death. Dr. Christine Kennedy, one of the psychiatrists, emphasized that Crossley’s strangulation of Ms McIlwaine should have raised “red flags” for future homicide.

The jury now faces the difficult task of determining whether Ms McIlwaine acted in self-defense. While the prosecution argues that the stabbing was an intentional act of murder, the defense maintains that McIlwaine was a victim of relentless abuse, pushed to the edge by a violent and manipulative partner.

Comparisons to Sally Challen

McIlwaine’s case draws parallels to that of Sally Challen, whose conviction for murdering her husband after decades of psychological abuse was overturned in 2019.

Ms Challen was initially sentenced to life in prison after killing her husband with a hammer in 2010. However, her legal team successfully argued that she had been the victim of “coercive control,” a form of psychological abuse where the abuser manipulates and dominates the victim over time, breaking down their sense of self and autonomy. Ms Challen served nearly nine years in prison before her conviction was quashed, and she was released.

The Challen case was pivotal in bringing attention to the long-lasting effects of psychological abuse and how it can drive victims to desperate actions. In Ms McIlwaine’s case, her defense team has similarly argued that the years of physical and emotional abuse left her in a state where she felt there was no escape. Just as Ms Challen’s mental state was considered a key factor in her release, Ms McIlwaine’s history of abuse could play a critical role in the jury’s decision.

Featured image: Julie Ann McIlwaine killed her partner after years of abuse (representational image). Source: houstondwiattorney.net.

The Story of Nicola Hanney: From Coercive Control to Justice

By
Samara Knight
-
Nicola Hanney

Dublin woman Nicola Hanney endured a four-year campaign of abuse and coercive control by her former partner, Garda officer Paul Moody. Their relationship, which began in 2016, quickly became a nightmare of manipulation, harassment, and threats. In 2022, Moody was sentenced to three years and three months in prison, making him one of the first in Ireland to be convicted under the country’s coercive control laws.

The Beginning: A Promising Relationship

In 2016, after surviving Stage 4 cancer, Nicola was eager to embrace life again. She met Paul Moody, a serving Garda, through a dating app. Initially, Moody appeared caring and attentive. Nicola, still recovering from her illness, found comfort in his affection. At first, his behavior seemed like devotion; Moody’s constant texting and calls felt supportive.

However, the dynamic slowly shifted. Moody’s attentiveness turned into control. He began messaging her constantly, questioning her whereabouts, and demanding her attention, even when she was with friends or family.

“If I went in to visit my sister, he was practically on the phone for the whole time I was visiting my sister,” Nicola explained [via RSVP Live]. “A couple of times he said to me I don’t want to spend one day without you, I didn’t obviously think he meant it, but he actually really meant it.”

Nicola rationalized his behavior, mistaking it for love and devotion. But soon, the signs of coercion became evident.

Escalation of Control and Abuse

Defying medical odds again—Nicola had been told she would never conceive due to her cancer treatment—she discovered she was pregnant with Moody’s child. She had already been seeing warning signs in their relationship by then and was broken up with him at that time. Now, the pregnancy only deepened her sense of entrapment and became another tool for Moody to exert control.

Nicola discovered that her cancer had returned during her pregnancy. Despite this, Moody intensified his abusive behavior instead of offering support.

The Journal reports that on the day their son was born, Moody visited the hospital and made horrific comments, saying he only went there in the hope to watch her “bleed to death.” The nurse overheard him and he was escorted ut of the building.

“The things he was saying, you definitely wouldn’t say to a woman that was having your baby. It was soul-destroying,” Nicola recalls.

Pregnancy and the Stripping of Independence

After the birth of their child, Moody’s abusive tactics escalated further. When Nicola returned home from the hospital, she found her apartment nearly empty. Moody had taken everything, from household items to items Nicola had bought for the baby. His intention was clear: to force Nicola to live with him by stripping her of her independence.

The abuse continued and became physical after their child was born. Moody used their son as leverage to maintain control, exploiting Nicola’s vulnerability as a mother.

“It only got physical after I had the baby. I didn’t realize the power or control somebody could have over your life just because you had a child from them” [via The Journal].

Pregnancy is a particularly vulnerable time for victims, as abusers often use it to intensify their control, knowing the victim may feel even more trapped and dependent.

The Turning Point and Seeking Justice

The breaking point came as Nicola’s health declined and the abuse persisted. Realizing she needed to escape, Nicola began documenting the abuse, collecting evidence of the thousands of threatening messages and Moody’s controlling behavior. Despite the psychological toll, she was determined to take action.

In 2021, she reported Moody to the authorities. Paul Moody, who had used his Garda position to shield himself, was finally exposed. In July 2022, he was sentenced to three years and three months in prison for coercive control and abuse.

The court revealed that Moody sent over 31,000 messages, including 652 in a 14-hour period—one message every 90 seconds. His texts were threatening, degrading, and abusive, with comments like, “I hope you die of cancer” and “I hope you die in pain.”

This conviction was one of the first under Ireland’s coercive control laws, which came into effect in January 2019, highlighting the legal system’s progress in addressing coercive and controlling behavior.

Moving Forward After the Conviction

Despite the legal victory, Nicola didn’t feel a sense of celebration. Leaving the courtroom, the emotional toll of the trial was heavy. Although Moody was held accountable, he remained the father of her child, complicating her feelings.

“To me, on the way home in the car after the court case, I honestly felt like somebody had died… there was nothing to celebrate for me. That was my child’s father. That affected me for a long time after that.”

Still, Moody’s conviction marked the end of his control over Nicola. She no longer feared her abuser and began rebuilding her life.

Today, Nicola openly shares her experience to raise awareness about coercive control and encourage others in abusive relationships to seek help. She survived cancer twice and escaped an abusive relationship, proving her resilience against overwhelming adversity.

Last year, Nicola appeared in the documentary Taking Back Control on RTE, where she discussed the coercive control she endured. She has also written a book, Stronger: What Didn’t Kill Me, Made Me, detailing her extraordinary journey through abuse and illness, offering hope to others facing similar struggles.

Featured image: Nicola Hanney on The Late Late Show. Source: YouTube Screenshot / The Late Late Show.

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