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TV Star Charles Hanson on Trial for Domestic Violence & Coercive Control

By
Samara Knight
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Charles Hanson coercive control

Antiques expert and television personality Charles Hanson has been accused of domestic abuse, coercive control, and physical violence against his wife over a decade-long period. The allegations paint a disturbing picture of manipulation, psychological control, and repeated instances of violence within their marriage.

Sky News reports that the 45-year-old arrived at Derby Crown Court on February 10 as he faced charges stemming from a domestic incident reported to police at his £1.5 million home in Derbyshire, England, in June 2023.

Hanson, widely recognized for his appearances on Bargain Hunt, Flog It! and Antiques Road Trip, has denied all charges, which include controlling or coercive behaviour between 2015 and 2023, assault occasioning actual bodily harm in May 2020, and two counts of assault by beating in 2022 and 2023.

The case highlights the deeply entrenched patterns of coercive control, a form of domestic abuse that is often invisible but profoundly damaging. It involves psychological manipulation, isolation, threats, and domination, making it incredibly difficult for victims to leave.

Allegations of Physical Violence

Rebecca Hanson, who gave her testimony from behind a screen, described several instances of physical violence, including an attack while she was pregnant. She recalled one particularly terrifying incident when her husband allegedly put her in a headlock during an argument.

“I turned around to protect my stomach and my baby. He got me around the throat. He’s behind me with his arm around my throat, tight, with my head back… I froze. I was absolutely petrified and in shock.” [via The BBC]

She described how Hanson seemed momentarily shocked at what he had done, but the abuse did not stop there. She spoke of years of enduring controlling behaviour, being physically attacked, and manipulated into believing things would change.

On another occasion, May 2021, Mrs Hanson alleged that her husband “threatened to put burning embers from the fire” on her. She took photographs of her injuries and documented his behaviour, later showing her father evidence of bruising.

Coercive Control: The ‘Invisible’ Form of Abuse

Beyond the physical violence, Rebecca Hanson also detailed how her husband used coercive control to dominate her life. Coercive control is a strategic form of abuse where an individual exerts power over another person through fear, isolation, and manipulation.

Mrs Hanson described how her husband made decisions without her consent, disregarded her wishes, and used mind games to assert dominance.

One of the reasons coercive control is so insidious is that it keeps victims trapped in an invisible cage. The psychological impact of constant belittlement, fear, and control can be just as damaging as physical violence.

Mrs Hanson detailed how her husband’s actions made her feel as though she was losing control over her own life, with her ability to make decisions or stand up for herself being gradually eroded over time.

Why Victims Stay Silent

One of the critical issues in domestic abuse cases is why victims often do not call the police or seek immediate help. When questioned about why she did not report Hanson earlier, Mrs Hanson explained the psychological traps that keep victims from leaving abusive relationships.

“I always say ‘I’m going to call the police,’ and he knows I never will. He apologises and says he will never do it again. You think it’s going to get better. It just goes on and on and on.” [via The BBC.]

Her statement reflects a common cycle in abusive relationships: the abuser inflicts harm, apologizes, makes promises of change, and the victim, hoping for things to improve, chooses to stay—only for the cycle to repeat.

This cycle is further reinforced by gaslighting, a tactic where the abuser manipulates the victim into doubting their own perceptions and experiences. When Mrs Hanson described his abusive behaviour, his defense team attempted to portray her as being “selfish, ungrateful, and spiteful”—a classic tactic known as DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender), where abusers deflect blame onto their victims.

In another example of manipulation, Charles Hanson denied choking his wife in a headlock, describing it as giving her a tight and affectionate hug around the shoulder.

The trial against Charles Hanson, which is expected to last up to two weeks, continues.

Featured image: Charles Hanson faces charges of coercive and controlling behaviour. Source: YouTube Screenshot / GBNews.

Small Acts of Freedom that Mean Everything After Abuse

By
Samara Knight
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freedom after abuse

Surviving an abusive relationship isn’t just about getting out—it’s about reclaiming the everyday choices that were once controlled, criticized, or outright forbidden. For many survivors, true freedom isn’t just in the big milestones but in the small, seemingly mundane moments that, after abuse, feel revolutionary. These acts of self-determination aren’t trivial; they represent healing, empowerment, and the return to oneself.

Below are stories from survivors who found joy, peace, and reclaimed their identity in the smallest—but most meaningful—acts of freedom.

The Power to Make Everyday Choices

For years, even the simplest decisions—what to eat, when to sleep, where to go—weren’t theirs to make. Leaving abuse meant rediscovering personal autonomy in the most unexpected ways. One survivor reflected, “I turned the thermostat up when I got cold. Loaded the dishwasher the way I want to. Went to a pizza place I like, even if he didn’t. Shopped at a more expensive grocery store just to get my favorite yogurt. Stayed up as late as I wanted because I wasn’t tired yet.”

Another survivor summed it up perfectly: “Anything I want to do—without apology, permission, or explanation. Small mercies you don’t realize are precious until you discover they’d been taken from you without you noticing.”

Reclaiming Time and Space

Abuse often means walking on eggshells in your own home, shrinking to avoid conflict. Post-abuse freedom means finally taking up space, both physically and emotionally. “Just taking up space in the house—lighting a fire and reading a book in front of it. It’s an amazing feeling to know someone isn’t going to come in the room and yell at me,” one survivor shared.

Another found joy in reclaiming her home, saying, “I bought a candle. Lots of candles. I was never allowed to buy nice things for the house. First thing I did was go and buy candles. On the first anniversary, I bought lots of candles and took them to the police station for the female officers to enjoy.”

Freedom to Enjoy Life Again

When in an abusive relationship, individuals often go years without experiencing genuine joy. After leaving, they slowly rediscover things that once made them happy. “I have fallen back in love with books. During the last several months of my toxic relationship, I didn’t have the brain power to focus on books because I was too busy stressing about how I was being treated,” one woman explained.

Another shared their excitement for an upcoming experience, “I haven’t done it yet, but I’m going to a Taylor Swift concert. Sounds lame, but he would have never let me go.” A third survivor beautifully described her transformation: “I was reborn—I found myself and learned how to laugh until I got the hiccups again. I could actually put my car radio on and sing my lungs out.”

The Freedom to Travel and Explore After Abuse

Abusive partners often control movement, making even short trips difficult. Leaving means finally getting to go where you want, when you want. “I finally got a passport, which I wasn’t allowed to have before! First trip? Italy. It was my first time on a plane. Now I know I’ll be brave enough to travel even further,” one survivor proudly stated.

Another shared, “We’re going on family trips to different places, visiting loved ones, seeing amazing concerts, and even taking the train instead of driving—so liberating.”

Survivors can also find joy in cultural experiences, as one survivor shared, “I had a weekend in NYC to see a play. I went to plays and dance recitals at local universities, including flamenco.”

Rediscovering Connection

Abuse isolates. Freedom means reconnecting—with old friends, new people, and most importantly, with oneself. “I love being able to freely talk to friends and family,” one survivor said. Another shared, “Freedom. Chatting to whoever I want. Self-love. Buying things for myself. Doing things I like. Listening to music wherever I want.”

The ability to reclaim their voice is a powerful moment for many, including one survivor who said, “Speaking when I want, about what I want.” Another survivor reflected, “I didn’t realize how much I had lost myself until I reconnected with an old friend and felt like ‘me’ again for the first time in years. Laughing, reminiscing, and just being seen for who I am—not who he wanted me to be—was life-changing.”

Making a Life for Children

Many survivors leave, not just for themselves, but for their kids. The small moments of childhood joy they can now provide are priceless. One mother described, “We go out now during the holidays! The kids and I actually do stuff, instead of staying indoors all day waiting around for him. Before, we weren’t allowed to do things without him, which meant the kids missed out a lot. Now, we can do whatever we want—they’re getting to have so many experiences!”

Another survivor said one of the things freedom means to them is, “I finally have my own routine and rules for my children.”

Strength Through New Experiences

Survivors prove to themselves every day that they are capable, strong, and free. “After the divorce, I needed to be more outwardly focused, not so stuck on the failure of my marriage. I started doing volunteer work, which led to a leadership training program. The experience showed me how ‘small’ I’d been living because he dominated our life. I’ll always be grateful for how much it expanded my world,” one survivor shared.

Another took on a new challenge, saying, “I abseiled the Spinnaker Tower after losing 1.5 stone.” Others found self-growth in different ways, like one survivor who shared, “I learned new skills, practiced self-love, started taking regular walks on the beach, and even started my own business. In just three and a half months, I’m still losing weight and starting to find myself again.”

Taking Control of Finances

Abusers often control finances, leaving survivors struggling to regain independence. The ability to earn and spend on their own terms is a profound victory. “First time withdrawing my own salary after leaving,” one survivor noted as a sign of their freedom.

Another shared, “For the first time in years, I opened my own bank account—just in my name. No one monitoring my spending, no one questioning my choices. I finally felt like an adult in my own life again.” And for one survivor, financial freedom was as simple as saying, “Spend my own money on myself.”

The Right to Rest and Self-Care

Abuse conditions people to feel guilty for basic self-care. Post-abuse, they learn they deserve rest, pleasure, and care. “Taking time for myself—my hair, eating without being on someone else’s schedule or feeling rushed. I saw very fast how I didn’t know how to take time for myself or what it even felt like,” one survivor shared.

Another said they recognized their freedom to, “Sleep when I’m tired without being called lazy.” And for some, healing has been about learning how to be happy again – as one survivor put it: “To take care of myself, and to be happy.”

Feeling Safe in Their Own Skin

Abuse forces people to suppress emotions, live in fear, and conform to someone else’s rules. Post-abuse, they learn to embrace themselves. “Be MYSELF!” one survivor declared as their expression of how they are free. Another shared how they now feel free to, “Be able to express my emotions and feel things.”

One survivor reflected on a profound shift: “I used to second-guess everything I said, afraid of how he’d react. Now, I speak freely without rehearsing my words in my head first. It feels like I finally have my own voice.” Finally, the most powerful realization of all is a freedom in: “Making my own decisions and life choices.”

Freedom in Every Moment

For survivors, freedom isn’t just about leaving—it’s about reclaiming life in the smallest, most meaningful ways. Every choice made without fear, every moment of joy reclaimed, every step toward self-love and independence is a victory.

Survivors are not just surviving. They are thriving, laughing, singing, dancing, traveling, and embracing every single moment of the lives they fought so hard to take back. And that is everything.

Featured Image: Survivors often find freedom in small acts and choices they make after abuse. Source: tonktiti / Adobe Stock

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.

Tougher Laws on Coercive Control Introduced in England and Wales

By
Samara Knight
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New law in England and Wales places coercive control on par with other serious domestic abuse offences. Explore the changes and the implications for offenders.

Offenders convicted of coercive or controlling behaviour will now face stricter management under multi-agency public protection arrangements (Mappa) in England and Wales. The change, which comes into effect on Monday, places coercive control on par with other serious domestic abuse offences, such as threats to kill and stalking, according to the Ministry of Justice (MoJ).

The BBC reports that for the first time, individuals sentenced to 12 months or more for coercive control, including suspended sentences, will be automatically managed under Mappa. This means police, probation, prison services, and other agencies are now legally required to work together to monitor and manage these offenders more closely, reducing the risk of reoffending and harm to victims.

The MoJ has stated that evidence shows offenders managed under Mappa have a reoffending rate less than half of the national average. By making coercive control a priority offence under this scheme, the government aims to offer greater protection to survivors and ensure perpetrators are held to account.

What Is Coercive Control?

Coercive control is a psychological form of domestic abuse where an offender uses manipulation, intimidation, humiliation, and threats to dominate and control their victim. Over time, these tactics erode the victim’s independence, often leaving them isolated and unable to escape the abuse.

Since its criminalisation in 2015, coercive control has been increasingly recognised as a key factor in many abusive relationships. It is often used alongside other forms of abuse, including physical, emotional, and financial control.

The law change was introduced in the Victims and Prisoners Act 2024 by the previous government, addressing a longstanding gap in how offenders were monitored. Prior to this, those convicted of coercive control could only be managed at the discretion of authorities, rather than through mandatory arrangements.

Survivors Welcome Tougher Measures but Say More Is Needed

Domestic abuse survivor Samantha Billingham described coercive control as something that “took away her sense of identity, belonging, and purpose.” Even after leaving her abuser, she struggled to rebuild her life and trust people again.

She welcomed the tougher management of offenders but stressed that more work is needed.

“It’s a step in the right direction, but it’s not enough alone. Survivors must be believed and taken seriously when reporting coercive control. Education is key, and awareness is power—we need it in all schools, colleges, and universities. Our young people must learn the early warning signs.” [via the BBC].

Women’s rights organisations have also welcomed the law change while urging the government to ensure survivors receive adequate protection and support.

Women’s Aid chief executive Farah Nazeer highlighted the devastating impact coercive control has on victims.

“Coercive control is a key tool used by perpetrators of domestic abuse. It isolates survivors and makes them dependent on their abuser. It is essential that specialist domestic abuse services, with expertise in abusive behaviours, are routinely included in the Mappa process if survivors are to be properly protected.”

What the New Law Means for Offenders

The new legal measures apply to offenders sentenced to at least 12 months’ imprisonment, including those given suspended sentences or hospital orders for coercive or controlling behaviour in an intimate or family relationship.

Under Mappa, police and probation services will now have to monitor these offenders alongside those convicted of other serious crimes such as violent offences and sexual abuse.

Stronger Protections for Victims

With coercive control now recognised as a high-risk domestic abuse offence, agencies involved in Mappa will be legally required to share information about any increased risk posed by offenders. This will allow authorities to respond more effectively to potential threats, offering greater security to survivors.

Jess Phillips, Minister for Safeguarding and Violence Against Women and Girls, emphasised the significance of this legal change.

“For the first time, under this change to the law, coercive or controlling behaviour is being placed where it belongs—on a par with serious violent offending. This government will continue working to protect victims, support their journey to justice, and hold perpetrators to account.”

Why This Change Matters

For many survivors, leaving an abusive relationship is only the first step. Without proper monitoring, perpetrators often find new ways to harass, manipulate, or exert control over their victims—even after serving a sentence. The inclusion of coercive control under Mappa aims to close this loophole, preventing offenders from continuing their abuse.

Advocates stress that, while legal reforms are crucial, education, early intervention, and specialist support remain essential in tackling coercive control.

By treating coercive control as seriously as physical violence, the justice system sends a clear message: psychological abuse is real, it is dangerous, and it will not be tolerated.

Featured image: Tougher coercive control laws introduced in England and Wales. Source: Shisu_ka / Adobe Stock.

Bianca Censori’s Grammys Outfit Sparks Coercive Control Concerns

By
Samara Knight
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Bianca Censori coercive control

The 2025 Grammy Awards were, as always, a spectacle of music, fashion, and celebrity culture. But one moment in particular has sparked an intense debate that goes far beyond artistic expression. Bianca Censori, the Australian model and wife of Kanye West (now known as Ye), appeared on the red carpet wearing a sheer slip that exposed her naked body. Meanwhile, Ye himself was fully covered in a black T-shirt and trousers.

A clip circulating online shows Ye instructing Bianca to remove the fur coat draped over her shoulders, exposing her barely-there outfit. The exchange, coupled with Bianca’s body language—described by viewers as blank, fearful, and detached—has reignited discussions about Kanye West’s history of control over his partners, with many questioning whether Bianca’s fashion choices are truly her own or a reflection of coercive control.

Where Is the Line Between Style and Control?

Fashion has long been a form of self-expression, and women should have complete autonomy over their bodies and clothing. But fashion magazine Marie Claire raises the question: is Bianca’s exposure a personal choice, or is it another instance of Kanye exerting dominance over his partner under the guise of artistic vision?

Dr. Pam Spurr, a psychologist and relationship expert, took to X (formerly Twitter) to express her concern, writing:

“Kanye West is a WEAK INSECURE brute. With pathological control issues & an unhealthy need to wipe out any ‘sense of self’ Bianca Censori has (her blank staring gaze is tragic). As well as erasing any personal boundaries she might’ve had. Complete coercive control witnessed by all at the Grammys.”

Laura Richards, a leading expert on coercive control, echoed these sentiments on Threads, stating: “This is deeply disturbing. It’s coercive control & indecent exposure. What happens behind closed doors?”

Many on social media shared similar fears, pointing out how Bianca’s vacant expression and compliance mirrored the behavior of individuals in controlling relationships. One X user wrote: “If she was smiling or coy, you could see she was enjoying herself, but she was not. Sad and humiliating.”

Another concerned viewer added: “Someone stage an intervention! This is coercive, controlling behavior, for real. What on EARTH has he said/done to Bianca Censori to make her do this? This is NOT ‘gleeful, attention-seeking exhibitionism’ on her part. She looks terrified.”

Kanye West’s History of Control

The speculation surrounding Bianca’s fashion choices isn’t without precedent. Kanye has a well-documented history of exerting influence over his partners’ appearances.

According to Glamour Magazine, his former wife, Kim Kardashian, has spoken openly about how Kanye took control of her wardrobe, famously telling her she had “the worst style” and gradually transforming her fashion identity. In a 2018 episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kim admitted: “I always thought I had really good style – until I met my husband [Ye] and he told me that I had the worst style.”

Speaking about her first solo styling decisions for the WSJ Awards, Kim revealed: “I was like, how do I wear something that hasn’t been pre-vetted first? I was so nervous at the thought of wearing a ‘bad outfit.’”

This pattern of control appears to have extended to Bianca, whose wardrobe has become increasingly provocative since her relationship with Kanye began. From wearing a pillow as a dress to being seen barefoot in the streets, her fashion choices have become more extreme, leading many to question whether they are truly self-directed.

One X user summed up the concern succinctly: “Bianca Censori is a frightened and abused woman. Don’t look at her naked body that is being paraded around by a toxic, abusive man. Look at her eyes. He has destroyed her soul.”

The Signs of Coercive Control

Coercive control is a recognized form of psychological abuse. It is not about isolated incidents but an ongoing pattern of behavior that strips an individual of their autonomy. It can include:

  • Dictating what a partner wears
  • Monitoring their communication and whereabouts
  • Isolating them from friends and family
  • Humiliating or degrading them in public or private
  • Using threats or pressure to ensure compliance

One X user highlighted this dynamic in Bianca and Kanye’s relationship, writing:

“OMG, this is horrifying. He’s parading her like a piece of meat when he couldn’t be more covered up. A statement of his total dominance and ownership of her (at least in his own head). Coercive control is a criminal offense in my country, and this could be used in a poster advertising that fact.”

Women’s Aid, a UK-based domestic abuse charity, has previously spoken about the dangers of coercive control, stating: “From the color of the lipstick you wear to the clothes on your back and what you think, say, and do, living with a controlling partner means that your decisions are not always your own.”

What Happens Behind Closed Doors?

While neither Kanye nor Bianca has publicly addressed the nature of their styling arrangement, many fear that what is visible in public is only the tip of the iceberg. If Bianca’s outfits are being dictated by Kanye, what else is happening away from the cameras?

The concern surrounding Bianca’s wellbeing is growing, with one X user asking: “How much longer can she be paraded around like this before someone realizes it’s just too much? Someone needs to step up and save her from Kanye’s chaos.”

Coercive control experts warn that it often takes years for victims to recognize they are being controlled, especially when the abuse is not physical but psychological. Many survivors describe a slow erosion of personal boundaries until they are left questioning their own autonomy.

Empowerment or Coercion

There is the crucial distinction between empowerment and coercion. If Bianca Censori is genuinely choosing to express herself in this way, that is her right. But if this is yet another instance of Kanye West exerting dominance under the guise of artistic vision, it demands scrutiny.

A woman’s body is not an accessory, and coercion should never be mistaken for liberation. The Grammy moment wasn’t just about fashion—it was a glaring reminder of the power dynamics that often play out in controlling relationships.

The real question remains: Is Bianca truly free to make her own choices, or has she been manipulated, conditioned, or intimidated to comply?

Featured image: Kayne West and Bianca Censori at the Grammy Awards. Source: YouTube Screenshot / Recording Academy Grammys.

How Abusers Invade Privacy and Violate Boundaries in Coercive Control

By
Samara Knight
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abusers invade privacy

In relationships marked by coercive control and domestic abuse, privacy and personal boundaries are systematically dismantled by the abuser. This behavior may manifest as reading personal journals, opening mail, checking phones or social media accounts, eavesdropping on phone calls, or even refusing to allow their partner to use the bathroom with the door closed. These actions are not just violations of personal space; they are intentional strategies to assert dominance, erode autonomy, and instill fear.

By invading privacy, abusers establish a sense of ownership over their partner’s life. In many cases, this behavior stems from jealousy and possessiveness, with abusers using their suspicion as a justification to monitor and control their partner’s life.

The Erosion of Privacy as a Tool in Coercive Control

Privacy is a fundamental human right, but in abusive relationships, it becomes a luxury denied to the victim. Abusers often try to justify their actions with claims of mistrust or care and concern for their partner’s well-being, but the underlying motive is always control.

One survivor shared, “He didn’t want to put a lock on the bathroom door, so he’d come in any time he wanted.” Another had a similar experience: “Even when I locked the bathroom door for privacy, he’d unlock it from the outside, barge in, and act like I was hiding something.” These invasions of privacy leave victims feeling as though no aspect of their life is truly their own.

One woman described how her husband would routinely rifle through her belongings: “He’d rummage through my handbag whenever he felt like it, without even giving a reason for what he was looking for. It wasn’t that I had anything to hide, but it felt like such a violation of my personal things. I started leaving my bag in my car just to avoid the anxiety of seeing him go through it.”

Abusers position themselves as omnipresent figures in their partner’s life. This fosters a sense of helplessness in the victim, who begins to believe they have no safe space away from their prying eyes and judgment.

Constant Surveillance and Monitoring

Survivors frequently describe feeling like they were under constant surveillance. Some abusers demand passwords to phones and online accounts, track their partner’s location, or even set up surveillance devices.

“I had to provide proof of where I was at all times,” one survivor explained. “If I went to the gym, I had to show the time I clocked in and out. If I didn’t answer his call immediately, he’d accuse me of cheating.”

Another survivor recounted, “He set up all my passwords and connected my phone to his computer. I caught him regularly going through my messages.”

A male survivor shared his experience, saying, “Every time I was on the phone, she’d stand outside the door and listen in. I’ve always been loyal and faithful, so I never understood why she was so suspicious all the time. It felt like I never had my own space, not even to have a simple conversation.”

This level of monitoring isolates victims and keeps them in a constant state of vigilance. The message is clear: there is no escape, no privacy, and no room for autonomy. By eroding their partner’s boundaries, abusers tighten their grip and reinforce a dynamic of control and domination.

Reading Journals and Controlling Communication

Abusers often weaponize the victim’s own thoughts and feelings against them by reading personal journals or diaries – even personal reflections are fair game for perpetrators. This deeply invasive act strips victims of the ability to privately process their emotions or experiences.

“I woke up one Saturday morning to an enraged husband who literally threw a notebook at me,” one survivor shared. “He’d been reading my diary. A passage about how fun it was to work with a new hire at work—a man—apparently tripped a wire with him.”

Abusers also exert control over communication. They may intercept mail, eavesdrop on phone calls, or demand access to every text message. “He’d take all the mail from the letterbox to his office and open mine,” a survivor recounted. “He’d read all my WhatsApp messages, including ones from my mother, and would wake me up in the middle of the night questioning me about what I’d posted online.”

The constant scrutiny forces victims to self-censor and live in fear of saying or doing anything that might provoke their abuser’s anger.

Isolation Through Invasion of Boundaries

By denying privacy, abusers create an environment where victims feel completely exposed and powerless. This often goes hand in hand with social isolation.

One survivor explained how her abuser would sabotage her efforts to maintain connections with others: “He drove across the city to a ladies-only event because I didn’t answer my phone for 15 minutes. When I got home, he accused me of doing things I hadn’t done.”

Another survivor shared, “He’d offer to drive me everywhere but wouldn’t turn up when it was time to pick me up, leaving me stranded. If I accepted a lift from someone else, he’d accuse me of cheating.”

These tactics ensure that victims remain dependent on the abuser and afraid to seek help from friends or family.

The Psychological Impact of Privacy Violations

The impact of privacy violations in abusive relationships extends far beyond mere annoyance or inconvenience. These invasive acts strike at the core of a person’s identity, undermining their sense of self, autonomy, and safety.

“I started to believe I didn’t deserve privacy,” one survivor shared. “If I tried to push back, he’d tell me I had no right to secrets in his house. Eventually, I just stopped trying.”

The cumulative effect of such invasions fosters a sense of hypervigilance. Victims may feel as though they are never truly alone, even when the abuser isn’t physically present. “He didn’t need to be in the room to make me feel watched,” one survivor explained. “I stopped writing in journals and avoided talking on the phone because I knew he’d find a way to listen or read what I’d said.”

Feelings of paranoia often linger long after the relationship ends. Individuals report being unable to trust others, fearing judgment or further violations. One survivor recounted, “Even after I left, I couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was watching me. I’d triple-check that my phone was locked and hide my mail in drawers.”

Another woman captured this struggle: “I had to relearn that it’s okay to have parts of my life that are mine alone. It’s not selfish to want privacy—it’s human. But after years of being told otherwise, it takes time to believe it.”

For many, reclaiming privacy becomes a critical part of healing. Small acts, such as locking a door or keeping a journal, represent significant steps toward rebuilding autonomy. Yet, the journey is not without its challenges. Survivors must confront the psychological damage left by the abuser, learning to trust themselves and others again.

The Relief of Reclaiming Privacy

Reclaiming privacy and boundaries is a critical step in healing from an abusive relationship. Survivors often describe the profound relief that comes with regaining control over their personal space.

One survivor shared, “It wasn’t until I left that I realized how much I’d lost. The simple act of locking the bathroom door felt like a victory.”

Breaking free from coercive control requires understanding the tactics abusers use and recognizing that these invasions of privacy are not normal or acceptable. Therapy, support groups, and education about abuse dynamics can help survivors rebuild their sense of self and re-establish healthy boundaries.

Featured Image: Ignoring boundaries and invading privacy are common in relationships marked by coercive control. Source: DC Studio / Adobe Stock.

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.

Jana’s Journey to Freedom After Decades of Verbal Abuse (Video)

By
Samara Knight
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breaking free from verbal abuse

Jana spent 31 years in a marriage marked by 17 years of escalating verbal abuse. Her husband’s public charm masked the reality of his relentless control and cruelty at home. She endured constant insults, fear of his rage, and a life entirely centered around his needs. The cycle of brief kindness followed by harsher verbal attacks left her feeling isolated and questioning her own worth.

It wasn’t until she stumbled upon The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans that Jana realized the abuse wasn’t her fault. The book gave her the clarity and courage to start planning her exit, knowing she could never change his behavior. In 2015, she finally filed for divorce, taking her first steps toward freedom after decades of feeling trapped.

Now at 62, Jana reflects on her journey of breaking free from verbal abuse, celebrating the simple joys of making her own decisions and living without fear. Her story is a powerful reminder that it’s never too late to leave an abusive relationship and reclaim your life. Watch her tell her story to hear how she found freedom and rebuilt her sense of self.

Featured image: Jana shares her experience of breaking free from verbal abuse. Source: YouTube Screenshot / MJB Productions: A Woman’s Place.

Intermittent Kindness: How Abusers Alternate Care and Cruelty to Keep You Trapped

By
Samara Knight
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intermittent kindness

Domestic abuse is often misunderstood. Many people assume it’s a constant stream of cruelty, but the reality is far more complex. Abusers frequently alternate between warmth and hostility, creating a confusing emotional rollercoaster. This cycle of highs and lows lies at the heart of trauma bonds—also known as trauma-coerced attachment—a powerful psychological dynamic that keeps victims trapped in relationships.

The Jekyll and Hyde Dynamic

If abuse were constant, it would be easier to recognize. But abusers use carefully timed moments of affection to sustain hope, keeping their partners emotionally tethered. This manipulation relies on a pattern of intermittent reinforcement, which deepens the victim’s attachment and makes it difficult to leave.

This pattern is often described as the abuser’s “Jekyll and Hyde” personality, unpredictably switching between affectionate and abusive behavior. One moment, they are kind and attentive; the next, they are cold, manipulative, or outright abusive. This stark contrast creates confusion and makes victims doubt their own perceptions.

“If abusers were bad all the time, we’d have left them or not gotten attached or trauma bonded with them! They’re often very good and can be so kind, in between the abuse,” one survivor explained. But these moments of kindness aren’t genuine—they are calculated moves to maintain control.

Another survivor shared, “That’s what made it so hard to leave. If they were horrible all the time, you wouldn’t stay. But it’s the intermittent reinforcement that keeps you stuck. Once you realize the niceness is just an act and everything they do is self-serving, it’s easier to see through it.”

How Trauma Bonds Form in Relationships

The cyclical nature of abuse and affection doesn’t just create confusion; it also fosters a deep emotional attachment known as a trauma bond. Individuals may feel that the abuser is both the cause of their pain and their only source of relief. Over time, this bond becomes so strong that leaving feels insurmountable, even when the person recognizes the relationship is harmful.

One survivor described their experience: “It’s the rollercoaster of them being kind and loving, then becoming abusive. We hang on to the crumbs of the nice parts, believing that’s their true self and maybe they’ll improve.”

Abusers exploit this belief by apologizing, making promises to change, or blaming external circumstances for their behavior. These tactics deepen their partner’s hope that things will be better and make it harder for them to leave.

The Role of Intermittent Kindness

Intermittent reinforcement is a psychological principle where rewards are given unpredictably, making them more potent and addictive. In domestic abuse, these “rewards” take the form of kindness or affection after a period of cruelty or neglect.

When abusers show affection following an episode of mistreatment, the brain releases dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. This brief surge of positivity creates a powerful emotional dependency. Victims begin to associate relief and hope with their abuser, even though these moments are fleeting and manipulative. This cycle keeps them trapped, constantly seeking the next “reward” of kindness.

“When we are deprived of our basic needs, and then we get a breadcrumb of affection, there is a dopamine surge. The cycle itself becomes addictive. And when we leave, it’s a powerful withdrawal that seeks relief by the abuser,” one survivor explained.

Breaking free from this cycle is incredibly difficult. The individual must overcome both the psychological conditioning and the chemical bonds that tie them to the abuser.

Breaking the Cycle and Healing

To escape a trauma bond, it’s crucial to understand the manipulative tactics abusers use and to recognize that their kindness is not genuine. Many survivors describe a moment of clarity when they saw through the cycle of abuse and affection.

“The moment I realized his kindness wasn’t love, but a manipulative tactic to keep me hooked, everything changed,” one survivor shared. “It was painful to face the truth, but it was also liberating. That clarity gave me the strength to rebuild a life where I no longer accepted crumbs as love.”

Healing from a trauma bond involves unlearning the conditioning that made the person accept moments of affection as enough. Therapy, support groups, and education about abuse dynamics are essential tools for rebuilding self-worth and establishing healthy boundaries.

Understanding the Survivor’s Experience

For outsiders, it can be difficult to understand why someone stays in an abusive relationship. A common misconception is that victims are “co-dependent” or weak, but this perspective ignores the powerful psychological and emotional forces at play.

“Those who don’t understand abuse think we would hate people for doing it to us,” one survivor explained. “And, in a sense, we do want to leave, but we can’t resist the bonds they create in us. It’s not co-dependency; they rely on the umbilical cord they tie us to them.”

Survivors need empathy, not judgment or victim-blaming. Recognizing the tactics abusers use to maintain control is essential for understanding trauma bonds and supporting those who are trying to break free.

Featured Image: Domestic abusers use cycles of kindness and cruelty to create trauma bonds in relationships. Source: inesbazdar / Adobe Stock

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.

Coercive Control in Same-Sex Relationships: Myths, Challenges, and Support

By
Samara Knight
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coercive control in same-sex relationships

Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse that encompasses emotional manipulation, isolation, and other coercive and controlling behaviors. While coercive control has become a more recognized and studied form of abuse in heterosexual relationships, very little attention is given to it in the context of same-sex relationships. Misconceptions, societal biases, and unique challenges mean that those in the LGBT community often face additional barriers when seeking support.

Unique Challenges to Identifying Coercive Control in Same-Sex Relationships

Coercive control refers to a pattern of behaviors that isolate, manipulate, and dominate a person, stripping them of their autonomy. It is often invisible, making it difficult for outsiders to identify.

For same-sex couples, coercive control can be particularly insidious, as it may intertwine with issues around identity, societal acceptance, and internalized biases. The following are some of the unique challenges to identifying coercive control in same-sex relationships.

  • Lack of Awareness and Resources: Many support services are tailored to heterosexual relationships, making it difficult for same-sex couples to find resources that address their experiences. Traditional support structures may unintentionally overlook the dynamics present in LGBTQ+ relationships, leading many to feel isolated or misunderstood.
  • Internalized Homophobia and Shame: Internalized homophobia—negative feelings or beliefs toward one’s own sexual orientation—can be a factor that abusers exploit in same-sex relationships. An abuser may weaponize shame, suggesting that being in a same-sex relationship is wrong or that the victim deserves to be treated poorly. This can create a powerful barrier to seeking help, as people may feel their struggles are a result of their identity rather than the abuse they are enduring.
  • ‘Mutual Abuse’ Misconception: A pervasive misconception is that conflict within same-sex relationships represents “mutual abuse.” This assumption arises partly because same-sex relationships involve partners of the same gender, which can lead outsiders to dismiss power imbalances or assume the abuse is reciprocal. This belief undermines the experiences of those suffering from coercive control, making it harder for them to receive appropriate support.
  • Outing as a Manipulative Tool: In same-sex relationships, an abuser may leverage the threat of “outing” their partner to family, friends, or colleagues. This is especially impactful for individuals who are not openly LGBTQ+ or live in communities where acceptance is limited. The fear of being outed can be a powerful form of control, trapping individuals in silence and isolation.
  • Shame about the ‘Failure’ of Their Relationship: Many same-sex victims will have fought hard to have their relationship accepted by family members or friends. So they then feel embarrassed, guilty, or ashamed to admit to the abuse, or fear backlash from them when they speak up about it.

Misconceptions About Coercive Control in Same-Sex Relationships

A common misconception is that abuse in same-sex relationships is somehow less severe or “just a phase.” This is particularly the case for females in same-sex relationships.

This stereotype trivializes the experience of victims and contributes to a lack of societal and institutional support. Abuse is abuse, regardless of the gender involved, and coercive control has severe emotional, psychological, and physical consequences.

Coercive control is often associated with traditional gender roles, where a male partner exerts dominance over a female partner. However, same-sex relationships are just as susceptible to power imbalances and control tactics, even if they manifest differently. This myth prevents individuals from recognizing their situation as abusive and makes it harder for others to provide appropriate support.

While many same-sex couples do share equal partnerships, the assumption that all LGBTQ+ relationships are inherently free from power struggles ignores the reality of the presence of abuse in these relationships. Assuming that equality naturally exists in same-sex relationships prevents both victims and society from recognizing coercive control when it occurs.

The Impact of Coercive Control on Same-Sex Couples

The effects of coercive control in same-sex relationships mirror those seen in heterosexual relationships—loss of autonomy, erosion of self-esteem, and increasing isolation. However, for LGBTQ+ individuals, there is often an added layer of fear, as seeking help may expose them to additional discrimination or judgment.

Many individuals fear facing bias or disbelief from law enforcement, therapists, or even friends and family members who may not understand or acknowledge the legitimacy of abuse within same-sex relationships.

“Over the past few years we have been engaging with the police, DoJ and other agencies to improve the support available for people within the LGBTQIA+ community who are victims of domestic abuse and help them understand the difficulties that people face when trying to come forward to report it or seek help,” said Cara McCann, Director of HERe Northern Ireland [via Belfast Live].

“There are little to no dedicated resources in order to help members of the LGBTQIA+ community who already face additional barriers when coming forward to highlight the abuse they face. This can often be from the historic distrust that remains within the LGBTQIA+ community regarding the police, but also from threats they can face from their abuser and the control that they may have over them.”

Offering Support

Educating the public about coercive control in same-sex relationships is crucial for breaking down harmful stereotypes and building empathy. Awareness campaigns, training programs for mental health professionals, and educational resources can all contribute to a more comprehensive understanding of abuse in LGBTQ+ relationships.

Allison Newey is leading the Here NI’s research into the impact of and prevalence of domestic abuse within the LGBTQIA+ community. She says, “As part of my research I am encouraging victims of domestic abuse to come forward and speak with me confidentially, and so far there has been a very strong response from people keen to raise awareness about an issue that is often invisible, not just to the authorities but to others within the LGBTQ+.” 

For loved ones of LGBTQ+ individuals, fostering an environment of acceptance and understanding can make a significant difference. By offering nonjudgmental support and avoiding assumptions about the nature of same-sex relationships, loved ones can play a pivotal role in helping victims feel safe and supported. By acknowledging specific challenges and working to dismantle harmful stereotypes, society can offer better support to LGBTQ+ individuals facing abuse.

References

Barnes, R. (2021). Understanding Coercive Control in LGBTQ Relationships. Rainbow Health Ontario.

Brown, C. (2020). Coercive Control: Domestic Abuse in Same-Sex Relationships. Journal of LGBTQ Issues in Counseling, 14(3-4), 239-260.

Donovan, C., & Hester, M. (2010). I Hate the Word ‘Victim’: An Exploration of Recognition of Domestic Violence in Same-Sex Relationships. Social Policy and Society, 9(2), 279–289.

Featured Image: Individuals experiencing coercive control in same-sex relationships face unique challenges. Source:  alfa27 / Adobe Stock.

Victim-Blaming and the Harmful Responses Survivors Face After Abuse

By
Samara Knight
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victim-blaming comments

Leaving domestic abuse is one of the most difficult and courageous decisions a person can make. Survivors often hope for compassion, support, and validation as they start to heal. Instead, many encounter dismissive or judgmental reactions that intensify their pain. These responses, which can even come from well-meaning individuals, reflect a lack of understanding about the complexities of abuse and its long-lasting effects.

This article examines some of the most harmful comments survivors endure, drawing on real survivor accounts. By highlighting these experiences, we aim to shed light on how victim-blaming attitudes and misconceptions can hinder recovery and offer guidance on supporting survivors more effectively.

“Just Move On”

One of the most common dismissive remarks survivors hear is, “Just move on.” This phrase trivializes the trauma, suggesting that recovery should be quick and effortless.

“Get over it and move forward. It is NOT that easy! It’s impossible to just get over this type of abuse,” one survivor shared. Abuse leaves deep emotional wounds, and healing is a lengthy, complex journey. Survivors need empathy and patience, not pressure to “move on.”

Another survivor recalled, “My dad told me to just let it go. It felt like he was brushing off everything I endured. Healing isn’t just about moving forward; it’s about untangling years of fear and pain.”

Victim-Blaming

Survivors often face comments that shift blame onto them for the abuse they endured. This victim-blaming reflects a poor understanding of the power dynamics inherent in abusive relationships.

“Why did you forget to take care of yourself? Maybe that’s why he cheated on you,” one survivor remembered being told while juggling work and caring for her sick mother and siblings. Such remarks dismiss trauma and compound feelings of guilt and shame.

Other survivors reported hearing, “What did you do to make him act that way?” or “No wonder he treated you like that.” These comments perpetuate harmful myths and invalidate survivors’ experiences.

“Why Didn’t You Leave?”

The question, “Why didn’t you leave sooner?” fails to recognize the significant barriers survivors face, including fear, manipulation, and financial dependence.

One survivor shared, “I couldn’t leave because I knew he’d find me. Every time I tried, he’d remind me of his ‘connectionsand how he’d track me down no matter where I went. I had to carefully plan every step, and even then, it felt like a gamble.”

Another explained, “It wasn’t about staying because I loved him; it was about survival. The more I resisted, the worse the abuse got. I stayed because I was afraid of what he’d do if I left.”

Victim-blaming questions shift focus away from the abuser’s actions and overlook the risks survivors face in trying to escape.

Dismissing the Severity of Abuse

Minimizing a survivor’s experiences with comments like, “It wasn’t that bad,” or “At least he didn’t hit you,” undermines the emotional and psychological toll of abuse.

“A friend said, ‘Well, he only yelled at you, right? It’s not like he was violent.’ They couldn’t understand how deeply the verbal and emotional abuse harmed me and made me feel smaller and smaller until I didn’t even recognize myself,” one survivor explained.

Another shared, “Someone told me, ‘At least you had a roof over your head.’ As if that made the constant surveillance and criticism any less damaging.” These statements invalidate survivors and reinforce misconceptions about the true nature of abuse.

Implying Shared Blame

Comments that imply shared blame, such as “Sorry things didn’t work out for you both,” can feel deeply hurtful.

“Sorry things didn’t work out…as if I had some level of participation in the destruction of my marriage,” one survivor said. “It’s yet another insult and dismissal that we somehow asked for this or had a hand in the fractured outcome of my now devastated life.”

Another recalled, “A mutual friend told me, ‘Relationships take two people to fail.’ Hearing that after everything I endured felt like being punched in the stomach—it completely ignored the abuse I suffered and put the blame on me.”

Undermining or Dismissing Experiences

Survivors often encounter disbelief or have their experiences undermined by those they trust. This can deepen feelings of isolation.

“I have several friends who still don’t fully comprehend how bad or dangerous it was for me,” one survivor shared. “The overarching theme of undermining my experience made me doubt my own experiences at a vulnerable time when I was still getting over being gaslit by him.”

Another individual shared, “I reported him to the police for strangulation, and the cop said, ‘You’re just making this up.’ They didn’t investigate. It made me feel so hopeless.”

These dismissals compound survivors’ trauma and erode their confidence in seeking help.

Betrayal by Friends and Family

The aftermath of abuse often reveals painful betrayals, as mutual friends or even family members side with the abuser.

“Mutual friends often try to straddle the fence between both of you, even when confronted with evidence of abuse,” one survivor explained. “You realize that anyone who can tolerate that behavior against their friend and still remain friends with the abuser was never really a friend.”

This betrayal intensifies survivors’ isolation and hinders their ability to rebuild a supportive network.

Pressures for Amicability

Survivors frequently face pressure to maintain a polite relationship with their abuser, even when it risks their safety. Comments like, “Can’t you try to be amicable?” or “Maybe now you can both heal,” disregard the ongoing harm and power dynamics at play.

One survivor recounted, “My mother asked if there was any way we could work it out for the kids. He had already chosen drugs, financial recklessness, and other women over his family. Hitting me was just the tip of the iceberg.”

Survivors need understanding, not pressure to appease their abuser for others’ comfort.

How to Truly Support Survivors

Supporting survivors starts with listening and offering empathy without judgment. Instead of minimizing or questioning their experiences, simply being present can make all the difference.

One survivor expressed, “I wish someone had just said, ‘You don’t have to explain anything. I’m here for you.’ That would’ve meant the world to me.” Validating their feelings and acknowledging their courage to leave is crucial. Phrases like, “What you went through was real, and it wasn’t your fault,” help combat the effects of victim-blaming and gaslighting.

Survivors have endured immense challenges. Genuine understanding and thoughtful support can make all the difference as they rebuild their lives and reclaim their sense of self.

Featured image: Victim-blaming responses. Source: fizkes / Adobe Stock.

* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.

Former Rugby Captain Stuart Hogg Sentenced for Domestic Abuse

By
Samara Knight
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Stuart Hogg domestic abuse

Former Scotland rugby captain Stuart Hogg has been sentenced to a community payback order following a guilty plea to domestic abuse charges against his estranged wife, Gillian Hogg. The sentencing brings to light years of controlling and abusive behavior that Hogg subjected his wife to during their marriage.

Five Years of Abuse Revealed in Court

The Guardian reports that Stuart Hogg, 32, admitted to a prolonged course of domestic abuse spanning five years, including shouting, swearing, and sending alarming and distressing messages. The court heard that his behavior escalated to tracking his wife’s movements through a phone app and bombarding her with hundreds of messages in a matter of hours.

Prosecutor Drew Long detailed how Hogg’s actions often left his wife in fear. During one incident, Hogg’s behavior triggered a panic attack, and in another, his incessant texting drew the attention of those around her. Long explained that her family noticed a change in her, and she eventually sought help from a domestic abuse service.

Coercive control, which is a pattern of behavior that includes non-physical forms of abuse like manipulation, isolation, and tracking to exert power and control over a victim, is recognized as a crime in the UK.

An Insufficient Sentence

At Selkirk Sheriff Court, Hogg was sentenced to a community payback order with one year of supervision, deemed an “alternative to custody” by Sheriff Peter Paterson. The court also issued a five-year non-harassment order prohibiting Hogg from approaching or contacting his estranged wife.

Dr. Marsha Scott, CEO of Scottish Women’s Aid, criticized the sentence, saying, “I can’t imagine that anyone would think that a £600 fine and a year’s worth of supervision is proportionate to a regime of terror for five years” [via The BBC].

Hogg’s Behavior Driven by Control

Hogg’s abuse was characterized by anger and controlling tendencies. The court was told he frequently belittled Mrs. Hogg for prioritizing their children over socializing with him and his colleagues. His actions also included undermining her confidence and isolating her emotionally.

Lynne Barrie, procurator fiscal for Lothian and Borders, emphasized the impact of Hogg’s actions. “The trauma suffered by victims – and children who witness these crimes – is significant. The Crown Office is committed to holding perpetrators accountable, regardless of their status.”

Case Highlights Need for Systemic Change

While Hogg’s sentence provides some closure, it raises broader questions about how domestic abuse cases are handled. Critics point out that the legal system often fails to adequately punish controlling and abusive behavior, leaving survivors feeling invalidated.

As Mrs. Hogg begins rebuilding her life, her courage in coming forward serves as a reminder of the importance of addressing domestic abuse and supporting survivors in their journey to reclaim their peace of mind.

Featured image: Former Rugby Captain Stuart Hogg Sentenced for Domestic Abuse. Source: Stefano Delfrate / CC by SA 2.0.

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