Abusive relationships often involve much more than physical violence. Coercive control is a particularly insidious form of abuse, where one partner exercises dominance over the other through various means of manipulation, isolation, and emotional abuse. One tactic that often appears in coercive control dynamics is triangulation, a psychological strategy that involves using third parties to manipulate and destabilize the victim.
In this article, we’ll explore how coercive control and triangulation work together to maintain the power dynamics in abusive relationships, deepening the emotional damage and making it harder for victims to leave.
Understanding Coercive Control
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour designed to exert control over an individual by stripping them of their autonomy and independence. This form of abuse includes emotional manipulation, threats, surveillance, and restrictions on personal freedoms. Unlike physical abuse, coercive control can be subtle and pervasive, often leading the victim to doubt their perceptions of reality.
Coercive control is about power and domination. The abuser seeks to gain control over every aspect of their partner’s life—from whom they speak to, to where they go, and even how they think. This creates an environment where the victim is constantly walking on eggshells, afraid of upsetting their partner. Over time, the individual loses their sense of self, their confidence weakens, and they become dependent on the abuser for decisions they once made independently.
Triangulation in Abusive Relationships
Triangulation is a psychological tactic where an abuser uses one or more third parties to exert control in the relationship. This third party could be another romantic partner, friend, family member, or colleague. The purpose of triangulation is to create competition, doubt, and emotional conflict between the victim and the third party, which allows the abuser to manipulate and control the situation.
Triangulation often looks like the abuser pitting the victim against someone else; telling them that this third person disagrees with their perspective or dismisses their concerns.
The abuser may even feign a close relationship with someone else to make their partner feel inadequate, insecure, or jealous. The abuser might also encourage this person to criticize the victim or take sides in disagreements, further isolating the victim from a supportive network.
The introduction of another person into the abusive dynamic destabilizes the victim’s sense of reality and keeps them emotionally vulnerable. Triangulation makes it harder for people to trust their own judgment, as they are made to feel like they are the ones who are irrational or overly sensitive, particularly if the third party seems to support the abuser’s version of events.
Coercive Control and Triangulation: A Deadly Combination
Triangulation is used to reinforce control. The combination of these tactics causes profound psychological harm, making the victim feel alienated, unsupported, and completely dependent on the abuser. The following are ways triangulation and coercive control function together to maintain the abuser’s dominance:
- Creating Uncertainty and Insecurity: One of the key goals of triangulation is to make their partner feel unsure of their place in the relationship. By introducing someone else—whether real or fabricated—the abuser sows seeds of doubt in the victim’s mind. They may say things like, “Well, my friend agrees with me that you’re overreacting,” or “Why can’t you be more like [this person]?” The victim feels off-balance and insecure, feeding into the abuser’s need for control.
- Isolating the Victim: Abusers use triangulation to isolate their victims from friends, family, or support systems. For example, an abuser might tell the individual that their friend has been bad-mouthing them behind their back, creating distrust in that friend. Or the abuser might feign close friendships with people in the victim’s circle to prevent them from reaching out for help. The victim may start to feel like they have no one to turn to, effectively increasing their dependence on the abuser.
- Manipulating Emotions: Abusers use triangulation to create jealousy, insecurity, or fear of abandonment. The victim may feel like they must compete for the abuser’s love or approval, leading to further entrenchment in the abusive relationship. The abuser may say things like, “If you don’t shape up, I’ll just find someone else who appreciates me,” or “I was talking to [so-and-so], and they agree that you’re too sensitive.” The victim constantly seeks the abuser’s approval, even at the expense of their own well-being.
- Eroding Trust in Reality: One of the most damaging aspects of triangulation is its ability to make someone question their own reality. By involving a third party in their emotional conflicts, the abuser makes the victim feel as though they are not seeing things clearly. The abuser may even get others to unwittingly or intentionally side with them, which further invalidates the victim’s experiences. This form of gaslighting damages the individual’s ability to trust their own feelings, reinforcing the abuser’s control.
- Maintaining Power Dynamics: Triangulation reinforces the existing power imbalance in the relationship. By creating competition or tension between the victim and a third party, the abuser ensures they remain at the centre of attention and control. The person is too preoccupied with competing for the abuser’s approval or managing emotional fallout to focus on their own needs or well-being. As a result, the abuser maintains complete emotional dominance.
The Psychological Impact of Coercive Control and Triangulation
Victims often experience chronic stress, anxiety, depression, and feelings of worthlessness. They may begin to believe they are the problem—that their inability to meet the abuser’s demands or “fix” the relationship means they are inherently flawed. Over time, the person’s identity is so enmeshed in the abusive relationship they lose sight of who they are outside of it.
Triangulation often makes it harder for people to seek help. If friends or family members have been pulled into the abusive dynamic through triangulation, the individual may feel like they have no one to turn to. The abuser’s manipulation creates a sense of isolation that keeps the victim trapped in the relationship, believing that no one else can understand or support them.
Recognize the Warning Signs
Coercive control and triangulation are powerful tools in an abuser’s arsenal. By manipulating emotions, creating insecurity, and isolating their victim, abusers maintain control over the relationship, deepening the psychological harm inflicted. Understanding these tactics can help people recognize the signs of abuse and seek the support they need to escape from the cycle of control and manipulation.
References
Dichter, M., Thomas, K., Crits-Cristoph, C., Ogden, S. & Rhodes, K. (2018). Coercive control in intimate partner violence: Relationship with women’s experience of violence, use of violence, and danger. Psychological Violence, 8(5): 596–604.
Klein, W, Li, S. & Wood, S. (2023). A qualitative analysis of gaslighting in romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 30(4): 1316-1340.
Featured image: Triangulation is a manipulation and isolation tactic often used in abusive relationships. Source: fizkes / Adobe Stock
