Every relationship encounters disagreements and conflicts, and at times, these can escalate into shouting and name-calling. We can all lose our temper and say things that are unkind and not truly reflective of our feelings. So, what distinguishes an ordinary argument from verbal abuse?
The key distinction is in how often these heated exchanges occur and the nature of the verbal sling shots that are made. In healthy relationships, intense arguments are typically isolated incidents that do not define the relationship’s core dynamic. These moments are recognized by both individuals as departures from their usual way of interacting and usually result in sincere apologies, meaningful conversations about the disagreement, and concerted efforts to reach a resolution.
According to relationship expert John Gottman, healthy conflicts involve a willingness to understand the other person’s perspective and to find common ground or compromise (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Such disagreements are temporary and focused on specific issues, without damaging the relationship’s foundation.
In an abusive relationship, verbal attacks are frequent and are aimed at controlling, demeaning, and undermining the other partner. Instead of addressing a specific behavior or choice, abusers target the very essence of who you are. It is a deliberate strategy to exert power and diminish your sense of self.
Patricia Evans, in her groundbreaking work ‘The Verbally Abusive Relationship’ explains that verbal abuse is a violation, not a conflict: “There is a definite difference between conflict and abuse. In a conflict each participant wants something different. In order to resolve the conflict, the two people in the relationship discuss their wants, needs, and reasons while mutually seeking a creative solution. There may or may not be a solution, but no one forces, dominates, or controls the other.”
Identifying Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse often starts subtly, making it difficult for victims to recognize it. The abuser might disguise their harmful comments as jokes or sarcasm, gradually escalating to more overt insults and degradation over time. This insidious progression traps the victim in a cycle of confusion and self-doubt, questioning their perception of the abuse and the abuser’s intent. Patricia Evans (1996) emphasizes the importance of trusting one’s feelings and instincts in these situations; if the comments or behaviors consistently make you feel belittled or worthless, it’s a significant indicator of verbal abuse.
Furthermore, verbal abusers often employ tactics such as blame-shifting and denial to evade accountability. They might accuse the victim of being overly sensitive or misinterpreting their words, further entangling the victim in a web of confusion and self-blame. Here are some of the most common forms of verbal abuse.
Name-Calling and Swearing
Name-calling and swearing stand as some of the most overt and recognizable forms of verbal abuse. These tactics are often employed by abusers who feel a deep sense of powerlessness, driving them to seek control and dominance over their partners by demeaning and shaming them. The use of derogatory labels and insults, such as calling someone “stupid,” “fat,” “lazy,” or “worthless,” directly attacks the victim’s character and self-worth. This strategy is not just about expressing dissatisfaction with a specific action or choice; it’s aimed at systematically weakening the partner’s sense of self. By highlighting and exaggerating perceived flaws, the abuser seeks to disempower and diminish the victim, asserting control within the relationship.
Insults like “You never know what you’re talking about” or “You’re just too dumb to grasp what I’m saying” are tools designed to belittle and undermine the victim. According to Barrie Davenport (2016) in ‘Signs of Emotional Abuse’, this psychological maneuvering is calculated—the more frequently and intensely the victim is insulted, the more likely they are to internalize these negative perceptions, leading to a gradual erosion of self-esteem. This erosion is precisely the abuser’s goal; as the victim’s confidence wanes, the abuser’s influence and dominance escalate.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a subtle yet potent form of abuse that undermines a partner’s confidence in their own perceptions and emotions, leading them to question the validity of their feelings and reality. This manipulation technique involves discounting the partner’s experiences, making them feel their emotions are insignificant, incorrect, or even crazy. Common phrases like “You’re too sensitive,” “You can’t take a joke,” “You’re remembering it all wrong,” or “You’re making a big deal out of nothing,” are used invalidate the partner’s feelings and perceptions.
As a result, the person on the receiving end of gaslighting might find themselves constantly apologizing for actions they didn’t commit, feeling isolated, and losing the ability to trust their judgment, often leading to a damaging dependency on the abuser’s version of reality.
Abusers employing gaslighting tactics might deny events ever happened, question the victim’s memory of facts, or pretend not to understand what the victim is saying. Over time, the victim may start believing there is something fundamentally wrong with them, their sense of humor, or their ability to perceive situations correctly. This cycle of manipulation and control can cause profound psychological distress, leaving the victim feeling trapped in a distorted reality where they question every thought and memory.
Throughout my marriage to an emotionally abusive husband, whenever we disagreed and I showed the slightest hint of anger, he would make comments such as, “You don’t have control over your own mind,” or “You are insane and don’t know how to think.” Even though I knew that I wasn’t “insane”, the constant gaslighting left me feeling that I had to hide my anger, worried that he would think I was crazy or unbalanced if I were to ever express it.
Jokes and Sarcasm
Jokes and sarcasm, when used disparagingly, can be a subtle form of verbal abuse that undermines a partner’s dignity and self-worth (Evans, 1996). Such comments, often veiled as humor, may target the partner’s gender, intelligence, or capabilities, leaving the victim feeling demeaned and disrespected. Examples of these so-called jokes include remarks like “Maybe we should just put you in charge of tying shoes, anything more seems too complicated for you,” or “It’s a good thing you’re pretty, because you can’t handle simple tasks.”
While light sarcasm and humor can be part of healthy interactions, constant sarcastic comments and making the partner the butt of jokes is damaging. Initially, these remarks might seem harmless or amusing, which is why they can be difficult to identify as abuse. However, over time, what starts as playful banter can escalate into relentless condescension and mockery, as seen in comments like, “With the way you eat, it’s no surprise you’re not fitting into your jeans anymore!” Such patterns of communication erode the quality of the relationship, turning supposed jest into a tool for belittlement.
Accusing and Blaming
Verbal abusers often blame their partners for things that aren’t their fault, such as their own feelings of anger or insecurity. For example, if a partner says they feel distant, the abuser might snap back, “Stop criticizing me!”. If I tried to raise any issues in my relationship, my husband would snap back, “You just love making me angry, don’t you?”. In this way, the abuser avoids discussing real issues or their partner’s emotions by turning themselves into the victim.
Blame-shifting is a common tactic used by verbal abusers, where they put the fault of their actions or feelings onto their partner, dodging responsibility. For instance, they might say, “It’s your fault we’re always late!” or accuse them of causing their anger, “You’re making me angry on purpose!” They might also unjustly accuse their partner out of jealousy, with accusations like, “You’re definitely cheating on me!” This leads to the partner questioning their own behavior, further controlling and damaging their self-esteem.
In ‘Women with Controlling Partners,’ Carol Lambert discusses how abusers often unjustly blame their partners for incidents beyond their control. I recall one day that I came home with a punctured car tire and told my husband that I would need to get it repaired. He was furious at the inconvenience and snarled “Just drive more carefully next time!”, as though, somehow, I should have spotted that tiny nail on the road and avoided it.
During another challenging time, my husband and I both caught Covid. While his symptoms were mild, I was severely ill and was struggling to look after our then 5-year-old son. When I asked for his help, he became enraged, telling me, “You decided you’re going to be sick and now that’s your reality. You’ve got it into your head that you want to be a statistic, so now you have to deal with it.” I was left bewildered at his response, questioning how my being ill could be seen as my own doing. Being too unwell to argue, I found it simpler to soldier on and manage the childcare duties alone rather than dispute his lack of support.
Devaluing and Belittling
Devaluing and belittling are potent forms of verbal abuse where the abuser systematically undermines the victim’s self-worth and accomplishments. Through diminishing comments like, “You really don’t know what you’re talking about, do you?” or “I don’t know why I expect more from you,” the abuser trivializes the victim’s thoughts, feelings, and achievements. This constant disparagement not only erodes the victim’s confidence but also isolates them from their sense of competence and value. By making their partner feel insignificant and inadequate, the abuser exerts control and reinforces their dominance in the relationship, leaving the victim feeling powerless and dependent.
Brian Davenport explains that by putting you down and making you feel unworthy, an abuser is trying to empower himself: “Rather than viewing you as an equal and worthy of praise, support, and respect, your abusive partner belittles you to disempower you and chip away at your self-worth. The lower you feel, the more control he or she has.” (Davenport, 2016)
At the height of the Covid pandemic, my ex-husband was convinced that society was teetering on the brink of civil unrest, World War III, and a global collapse. He frequently cited political analysts to back up his dire predictions. Whenever I found the courage to disagree with his outlook, he would react with rage, saying “So, you think you’re smarter than all the top political experts?”, and “Do you think you know more than the world’s leading minds?”, and “This Harvard Professor thinks the same as me; are you saying you’re more brilliant than a Harvard Professor?” His reactions completely invalidated my views, pushing me into silence and convincing me it was safer to keep my thoughts to myself.
Threats
Abusers often use threats to manipulate their partners, exploiting their fears to maintain control. These threats typically involve the risk of loss or injury, with statements like, “If you leave me, you’ll never see the kids again,” or “Go to that work party, and you’ll come back to an empty house.”
This tactic instills a pervasive sense of fear and uncertainty, forcing the partner to comply to avoid the repercussions. Threats can also include the possibility of physical harm or the exposure of personal secrets. Such behavior erodes the foundation of trust and security that’s essential in any healthy relationship.
Recognizing threats as a form of abuse can be challenging, especially when they’re veiled in seemingly casual remarks that hint at dire outcomes, like “Wouldn’t it be tragic if something were to happen to your beloved pet while you’re away?” These subtle, manipulative comments are designed to coerce and control under the guise of concern.
In my marriage, threats were a frequent tool of manipulation. After seeing an astrologer, my husband became convinced that we needed to move countries. When I expressed reluctance, his go-to response was: “If you don’t like it, I will just take our child and leave without you.”
Furthermore, he often chose inopportune moments to bring up significant financial discussions, like while I was busy cooking dinner. When I suggested a better time for such conversations, he’d quickly retort, “Fine! If you won’t talk now, I’ll handle all the financial decisions on my own.”
However, the most severe threats emerged post-separation. Accustomed to unilateral decision-making, he despised needing my approval for actions such as travel with our child. Anytime that I would not agree to one of his requests, he would threaten to say terrible things about me to our son, such as that I didn’t love or care about him. He understood that the most damaging threat he could wield was one that could potentially harm our child or damage the bond I shared with him.
Verbal Abuse Can Escalate
Verbal abuse within a relationship constitutes a form of domestic abuse that often acts as a precursor to physical violence. Initially, verbal abuse might manifest through seemingly harmless put-downs masked as humor or through acts of withholding affection. Over time, however, the abuse tends to grow in intensity, frequency, and variety, incorporating more direct and varied forms of verbal assaults.
As the cycle of abuse progresses, what started as verbal can escalate into physical aggression. Initially, this might be disguised as “accidental” physical contact, such as shoves or bumps, but can quickly evolve into deliberate and severe physical attacks. This escalation from verbal to physical abuse highlights the dangerous potential of verbal abuse not just as a standalone issue but as a stepping stone to more dangerous forms of domestic violence.
Recognizing verbal abuse is the first step toward addressing it. If you suspect you might be in an unsafe situation, talk to a trusted friend or family member and seek professional help as soon as possible. Your physical and emotional safety is paramount.
References
Evans, P. (1996). The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond. Adams Media Corporation.
Davenport, B. (2016). Signs of Emotional Abuse: How to Recognize the Patterns of Narcissism, Manipulation, and Control in Your Love Relationship. Bold Living Press.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishing Group.
Lambert, Carol A. (2016) Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner. New Harbinger Publications.
