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The Hidden Dangers of Couples Therapy in Abusive Relationships

By
Samara Knight
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Couples therapy is not recommended for abusive relationships.

When relationships break down due to controlling and abusive behavior, couples therapy might seem like a logical step toward resolution or recovery. However, this approach is rarely effective in cases of abuse and can even prove harmful.

Carol Lambert, in her book Women with Controlling Partners, and Lundy Bancroft in Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, both highlight the inadequacies and dangers of couples therapy in these contexts.

At a minimum, years of couples counseling can prove fruitless if the therapist has not learned to address the specific challenges faced by women in abusive relationships. In the worst-case scenario, such therapy might dramatically worsen the situation. It can end up empowering the abuser, allowing them to continue their behavior and potentially escalating the abuse further.

“Attempting to address abuse through couples therapy is like wrenching a nut the wrong way; it just gets even harder to undo than it was before,” writes Bancroft (2003, p. 351), who has spent over 30 years providing interventions to abusive men.

Coercive Control Involves One Perpetrator

Coercive control is a subtle, insidious form of abuse that manipulates and confines the victim through psychological and emotional abuse. Unlike physical violence, its signs are not always obvious, making it difficult for therapists to recognize and address it effectively. It involves tactics like intimidation, isolation, and control that dominate every aspect of the victim’s life.

In her book Coercive Control in Children’s and Mothers’ Lives, Emma Katz (2022) explains that the reason why ‘conflict’ may occur in the context of a controlling relationship is not because of common disagreement. Instead, problems arise because of “the highly unequal power dynamic generated by the coercive control perpetrator over their target that precludes the possibility of mutuality between them” (Katz, 2022, p. 37).

Why Couples Therapy Fails in Abusive Relationships

Couples counseling aims to address mutual issues and improve communication. However, as Katz articulated, mutual issues are not the problem in an abusive relationship. The control and fear imposed by one partner skews the dynamics. Here, therapy can unintentionally empower the abuser, giving them another platform to manipulate and exert power. This often occurs without the therapist even realizing it.

Some of the risks involved in engaging in couples therapy in the context of abuse include the following:

Dominance and Manipulation in Sessions

Abusers often use therapy sessions to further their control by dominating the conversation and manipulating the therapist’s perceptions. They are skilled at presenting a distorted reality that serves their agenda, often gaslighting their partners right in front of the therapist. If the therapist lacks a deep understanding of the dynamics of abuse, they may fail to recognize the manipulation. This leads to a biased view that favors the abuser’s perspective.

Safety and Retaliation Concerns

Victims may ordinarily feel unsafe to speak openly in the presence of their abusers due to fear of retaliation. However, the therapeutic setting might temporarily encourage them to express concerns or disagree with the abuser. This can lead to severe consequences outside of therapy, where abusers may punish them for their openness, accusing them of humiliation or betrayal. This only deepens the cycle of abuse.

Therapist’s Misguided Focus

Therapists untrained in the dynamics of coercive control might inadvertently place the responsibility for repairing the relationship on the victim. They might advise victims to avoid triggering the abuser or to be more understanding of the abuser’s background, which not only invalidates the victim’s experience but also reinforces the abuser’s behavior. This accommodation can confuse and leave victims feeling unsupported, echoing the same dynamics they experience at home.

“The message to you from couples counseling is: “You can make your abusive partner behave better toward you by changing how you behave toward him.” Such a message is, frankly fraudulent,” Bancroft explains (2003, p. 352).

“Abuse is not caused by bad relationship dynamics. You can’t manage your partner’s abusiveness by changing your behavior, but he wants you to think that you can. He says, or leads you to believe, that “if you stop doing the things that upset me and take better care of my needs, I will become a non-abusive partner.” It never materializes” (p. 352).

Misuse of Therapy for Coercion

Therapists might unknowingly assist abusers in their manipulation. For example, they may broker agreements where a victim might give up something valuable, like social connections, under the guise of reducing tension in the relationship. Such ‘agreements’ are often forms of coerced concessions that further isolate the victim and empower the abuser.

Lambert (2002) offers the example of a therapist who agreed with a couple that the man would avoid his intimidating behaviors in return for the woman cutting back on prioritizing her friendships. In essence, the therapist facilitated the man’s use of the threat of violence to control his partner. At the same time, it cut her off from crucial social support.

Abuse is Not a Shared Responsibility

Abusers are adept at turning therapy into another arena for their manipulation. They may convince therapists that the relationship’s problems are mutual or even predominantly the victim’s fault, which shifts focus away from his behavior. This manipulation can lead to therapy sessions that reinforce the abuser’s narrative, leaving the victim marginalized and disempowered.

Bancroft (2003) explains that couples counseling intends to address shared problems within a relationship. In this context, it can successfully resolve communication issues, address individual past traumas that affect the relationship, or enhance closeness between partners. However, these objectives are not achievable in situations where abuse is present.

“Change in abusers comes only from… completely stepping out of the notion that his partner plays any role in causing his abuse of her,” explains Bancroft. “Unfortunately, the more an abusive man is convinced that his grievances are more or less equal to yours, the less the chance that he will ever overcome his attitudes” (2003, p. 352).

Ineffective Therapeutic Outcomes

When therapy is the only option an abuser agrees to, it’s often because it provides a platform to blame the victim. Even if therapists attempt to address abusive behaviors, abusers might accuse their partner of turning the therapist against them. This enables him to maintain his narrative and resist change.

Carol Lambert explains that couples therapy is often a form of treatment that controlling partners will try first because “if they enter treatment alone, it’s inferred that they have a problem, and that’s usually intolerable at the outset” (2002, p. 207).

Alternative Approaches

Given the complexities and dangers involved, alternative approaches need consideration:

Specialized Programs: Lundy Bancroft, who has worked extensively with abusive men, suggests referring abusers to specialized treatment programs designed to address and alter abusive behavior. He explains that no amount of individual therapy or anger management work can replace a specialized abuser program. The latter, he says, “are not designed to address the range of behaviors that make up abuse and the core attitudes that drive them” (2003, p. 307).

Individual Therapy: Carol Lambert suggests that while a coercive man attends a specialized treatment program, his partner may benefit more from individual therapy that focuses on healing from trauma and rebuilding self-esteem away from the abuser’s influence.

Bancroft agrees that individual therapy would benefit the victim but strongly advises against it for the abuser. “The more psychotherapy a client of mine has participated in, the more impossible I usually find it is to work with him,” he explains. “The highly “therapized” abuser tends to be slick, condescending, and manipulative. He uses the psychological concepts he has learned to dissect his partner’s flaws and dismiss her perceptions of abuse” (2003, p. 354).

Abuse Educated Therapists: Lambert explains that if a couple does decide to go down the route of joint counseling, it is crucial to find a therapist who is well-trained in recognizing and handling abuse dynamics. She emphasizes that a competent couples therapist will conduct separate sessions with each partner early in therapy, typically after the first or second joint session. This would allow the victim to disclose the abuse and raise concerns that they may not wish to verbalize in front of their partner. In addition, Lambert says that “this practice of meeting individually results in a natural weeding out of controlling partners who won’t tolerate their spouse or girlfriend being seen alone” (2002, p. 207).

Bancroft advises that before considering couples counseling to address mutual relationship issues, it’s crucial to ensure that your partner has not engaged in abusive behavior for at least two years. Only then might it be possible to safely address issues genuinely shared between partners.

Advocating for a Shift in Therapy Practices

The use of couples therapy in the context of abusive relationships needs reevaluation. There should be a focus on protecting and empowering victims, holding abusers accountable, and equipping therapists to handle these complex dynamics effectively. Ultimately, recognizing that abuse is not a mutual problem but one rooted in power and control can help steer therapeutic practices toward more effective and safer outcomes.

References

Bancroft, L. (2003). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. New York, NY: Berkley Books.

Katz, E. (2022). Coercive Control in Children’s and Mothers’ Lives. Oxford University Press.

Lambert, C. (2016). Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner. Berkeley, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

Featured image: Couples therapy is not recommended for an abusive relationship. Credit: terovesalainen / Adobe Stock.

Real Stories: Chloe Holland Was Tormented by Her Ex-Partner

By
shadowsofcontrol
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Chloe Holland committed suicide after coercive control.

Chloe Holland, a 23-year-old from Portsmouth, England, tragically ended her own life after enduring a year-long ordeal of coercive control from her former partner, Marc Masterton.

Chloe Holland started her relationship with Masterton in early 2022, having known him since their school days. According to her mother, Sharon, the early phase of their relationship was filled with happiness and excitement.

Control and Isolation

As the relationship progressed, Chloe experienced increasing control and abuse. “He controlled who she spoke to, what friends she had on Facebook, he controlled her phone, I would say he controlled her finances, he controlled her freedom – and he also controlled her seeing her son,” Sharon told The BBC.

Chloe’s appearance and demeanor also changed drastically. “She stopped wearing her fake eyelashes, her makeup, her hair was tied up, her clothes were more covered up – she just didn’t look herself,” Sharon said.

As well as controlling behavior, Chloe also suffered incidents of physical abuse at the hands of Masterton.

Temporary Escape and Tragic End

In August 2022, Chloe managed to leave Masterton and began to rebuild her life. However, by October, they were back in contact.

Following a final disagreement, Chloe made an attempt on her own life, leading to her hospitalization and subsequent death in March 2023.

“I just wish I’d known everything that was going on because I could have done more,” Sharon said.

Seeking Justice and Change

Before her death, Chloe had taken steps to report Masterton for domestic abuse, resulting in his conviction for coercive and controlling behavior. He received a 41-month prison sentence.

Sharon believes this punishment does not fit the crime and is advocating for stricter laws. She has started a petition to recognize coercive control resulting in suicide as manslaughter.

Community and Legislative Response

Sharon’s efforts have garnered support within the community and from Portsmouth City Council.

“Perpetrators who are that controlling don’t just stop after a woman has died or they’ve left the relationship, they go on to perpetrate again – so it’s really important we hold those perpetrators to account,” noted Dr. Shonagh Dillon of domestic abuse charity, Aurora New Dawn.

The petition needs 100,000 signatures to be considered for debate in Parliament.

Words of Warning and Hope

Sharon advises vigilance for those worried about loved ones in similar situations. “Always stay in contact and notice if they go silent. Notice if they’re not answering messages and always be there for them and report it,” she urged [via ITV]. Through her grief, Sharon fights for a change that could save lives and prevent future tragedies.

Featured image: Chloe Holland. Credit: Sharon Holland / HotSpot Media.

Push for Manslaughter Charges When Coercive Control Leads to Suicide

By
Samara Knight
-
IsolatedWoman

Sharon Holland, a grieving mother from Southsea, England, has launched a determined campaign seeking to amend UK laws to include manslaughter charges for death by suicide resulting from coercive control. This initiative follows the tragic suicide of her daughter, Chloe Holland, after enduring prolonged domestic abuse.

Background of the Campaign

According to The News, Chloe Holland was just 23 years old when she took her life after a year of domestic violence inflicted by her partner, Marc Masterton. Despite Masterton’s subsequent conviction for coercive and controlling behavior, Sharon Holland believes that the punishment does not adequately reflect the severity of the consequences of his actions. Masterton was sentenced to 41 months in prison, a term Sharon argues is insufficient for the damage caused.

“He controlled who she spoke to, what friends she had on Facebook, he controlled her phone, I would say he controlled her finances, he controlled her freedom – and he also controlled her seeing her son,” Sharon detailed the extent of control Masterton had over Chloe [via The BBC].

The Petition

In response to her daughter’s death, Sharon has initiated a petition urging the UK Parliament to recognize coercive control leading to suicide as manslaughter. This legal change would hold perpetrators accountable for the extreme mental distress inflicted on victims that leads to fatal outcomes.

In another tragic case, 53-year-old fashion consultant, Tracey Ratcliffe, committed suicide after enduring years of coercive control and domestic abuse, which escalated as post-separation abuse during her divorce to her husband, Nicholas Ratcliffe.

“If someone has coerced someone into feeling that bad that they take their own life then that should be manslaughter or they should be held accountable for that,” Sharon expressed her rationale for the legal revision.

Public Support and Action

The campaign has gathered significant attention, amassing 15,000 signatures thus far. However, 100,000 are needed by May 1st for the issue to be considered for debate in Parliament. Sharon, supported by Portsmouth City Councillor Kirsty Mellor, emphasizes the need for public support to bring about this critical change.

“By signing this petition you’re not just standing with us in seeking justice for Chloe, you’re standing up for every person who has endured the horrors of domestic abuse. We need your voice to be heard in Parliament to demand change and to ensure that no more lives are lost in vain,” urged Sharon, highlighting the collective responsibility to protect future victims.

The campaign, punctuated by a poignant video from Sharon, seeks to transform personal tragedy into a catalyst for legal and societal change, ensuring that no more families endure similar heartbreak. The movement underscores the importance of understanding and addressing the full impact of domestic abuse and coercive control in legal terms.

Featured image: Chloe Holland committed suicide after enduring domestic abuse (representational image). Public Domain.

City Council Backs Federal Bill to Combat Coercive Control in Canada

By
shadowsofcontrol
-
Laurel Collins presents coercive control bill.

The Sault Ste. Marie City Council in Ontario has unanimously passed a motion to support Canada’s coercive control Bill C-332. This federal initiative aims to introduce coercive control as a standalone offence in the Canadian Criminal Code.

The motion highlights a significant step towards strengthening laws against intimate partner violence across Canada. This legislative move aligns with broader national efforts to recognize and address the severity of coercive control within relationships. It is currently is acknowledged under the umbrella of intimate partner violence but lacks specific legal standing as an independent crime.

Supported by Victim’s Families

According to SooToday, family members of victims affected by intimate partner violence witnessed the council’s unanimous decision, emphasizing the community’s strong support for the bill. Among those present was Dan Jennings, whose 22-year-old daughter Caitlin was found dead in a London, Ont. home. Her fiance, age 50, was arrested at the scene.

Caitlin’s case has become a poignant example of the dire consequences of inadequate legal protections against coercive control. “If this was already a law in place, I have no doubt Caitlin would have been saved,” Jennings expressed, a sentiment that resonated deeply during the council meeting.

Background and Implications of the Proposed Bill

Bill C-332, introduced in November 2023 by MP Laurel Collins (NDP, Victoria), seeks to amend the Criminal Code by making coercive control a distinct offence. The proposed legislation states: “This enactment amends the Criminal Code to create an offence of engaging in controlling or coercive conduct that has a significant impact on the person towards whom the conduct is directed, including a fear of violence, a decline in their physical or mental health, or a substantial adverse effect on their day-to-day activities.”

This legislative effort is spurred by tragic cases and personal stories, like that shared by Laurel Collins herself: “The first time I recognized coercive control was when my sister showed up at my doorstep in tears. Her partner had taken her cellphone and bank cards. He had taken her car keys too, but she luckily had another set. It was the first time but definitely not the last time. Over the next few years, like so many other stories of intimate partner violence, coercive and controlling behaviour eventually escalated to physical violence. I remember being scared for her life.”

National Support for the Legislation

With widespread support from both Liberals and Conservatives, the bill represents a critical step towards empowering victims and preventing the escalation of abuse. The Bill was presented to the House of Commons on 22 March. As the bill progresses, it brings hope for legal reform and a shift in how Canada handles intimate partner violence.

Sault Ste. Marie City Council’s recent support for Bill C332 illustrate a determined effort to bring about substantive changes that could prevent future tragedies similar to Caitlin’s. These steps forward in legislative reform and community support highlight a collective commitment to combat intimate partner violence. They aim to protect vulnerable individuals through clearer, more effective laws.

Featured image: Laurel Collins MP highlights proposed coercive control bill at a news conference on Parliament Hill. Image Credit: YouTube Screenshot / CPAC.

Angel Lynn’s Harrowing Story Reveals Dangers of Coercive Control

By
shadowsofcontrol
-
Angel Lynn

Angel Lynn, an 18-year-old college student from Loughborough, dreamed of becoming a forensic scientist. Known for her bubbly and adventurous spirit, Angel’s life took a tragic turn after entering a relationship with Chay Bowskill.

The Guardian reported that Angel’s relationship with Bowskill, also 18 at the time, began in late 2019. It didn’t take long for her mother, Nikki Lynn, to notice worrying changes in her daughter’s behavior. “Small things, individually,” Nikki recalls in a Channel 4 documentary. “I just never added them all up”.

The Subtle Signs of Coercive Control

Angel, previously meticulous about her appearance, started wearing baggy tracksuits and neglecting her hair and makeup—a stark departure from her usual self. Her social life dwindled, and her demeanor changed, especially around Bowskill. Nikki observed, “She’d be snappy if he was waiting outside in the car, suddenly agitated and in a massive rush.”

During a brief period when Bowskill was imprisoned for conspiracy to commit burglary, Angel seemed to return to her old self. However, his release reversed these improvements and the control resumed. This was highlighted by a disturbing incident where Bowskill demanded money from Angel, leading to a heated confrontation at the Lynn family home.

“He was in Angel’s face screaming: ‘I want my fucking money. You’ve spent some of it’. He was yelling about £80,” Nikki explained. “We paid him the cash, and told him to never come back again. Once he’d left, Angel turned to me and told me I was just making things worse.” Nikki has expressed deep regret that she just didn’t recognize the signs or dangers at the time.

Looking back, Nikki recognizes the patterns of coercive and controlling behavior that aimed to make her daughter dependent by isolating her from support, exploiting her, stripping away her independence, and dictating her daily activities. In the UK, such actions have been legally recognized as criminal offenses since 2015.

Kidnapping and Life-Altering Injuries of Angel Lynn

Sadly, Angel’s story ended in tragedy when, in September 2020, Bowskill and an accomplice, Rocco Sansome, abducted Angel and forced her into a van. While the vehicle sped along a major road at 60mph, Angel fell headfirst onto the road, sustaining a severe brain injury. Bowskill abandoned her in the middle of the road. To this day, it has not been proven whether Angel tried to escape or was pushed from the van, the latter being the most likely scenario.

Following the incident, authorities discovered controlling and abusive voice and text messages from Bowskill on Angel’s phone. He was subsequently convicted of kidnapping, coercive and controlling behavior, and obstructing justice.

Due to Angel’s inability to testify, the jury could not convict Bowskill of intentional grievous bodily harm. Initially, he received a seven-and-a-half-year prison sentence. However, deeming the sentence too lenient, the Solicitor General appealed, and in March 2022, the Court of Appeal extended Bowskill’s sentence to 12 years.

Angel Lynn’s Long Road to Recovery

Today, Angel faces a challenging recovery; she communicates through a tablet, cannot walk or talk, and requires constant care and various therapies. Her mother stresses the importance of education on coercive control for both young people and adults. “In schools, young people need to be taught what to be aware of from an early age. Adults need to be educated, too,” Nikki insists. She hopes sharing Angel’s story will prevent other families from enduring similar tragedies.

Angel Lynn’s ordeal sheds light on the devastating impact of coercive control, a recognized criminal offense in the UK since 2015. Her story is a grim reminder of the importance of recognizing early signs of manipulation and taking action before it escalates to irreversible consequences.

References

The Kidnap of Angel Lynn. Channel 4 documentary. Available on YouTube.

Featured image: Angela Lynn. Image: Screenshot / Channel 4 documentary.

Man Jailed for Coercive Control in Kent, UK

By
Samara Knight
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Man convicted for coercive control in the UK

A man from Kent in the United Kingdom has been sentenced to three years in prison after subjecting his partner to years of coercive control. Despite the UK’s legal framework against coercive control, the number of convictions remains relatively low compared to the reported incidents. While every prison term handed out for coercive control is a step forward, the low prison term sends out a dangerous message about how seriously the law treats this form of domestic abuse.

BBC reports that Grant Jeffery, a 33-year-old resident of Tonbridge, was arrested and subsequently charged with coercive and controlling behavior after years of dominating his partner’s life. Maidstone Crown Court heard how Jeffery dictated what his partner could wear, demanding she dress in loose clothing. He also isolated her from friends and family and kept home curtains closed to prevent his partner seeing anyone outside.

The abuse escalated to the point where the victim’s health deteriorated severely, leading to her hospitalization in September 2023. Even during her hospital stay, Jeffery’s controlling behavior persisted. He insisted her phone remain on video calls to monitor her constantly.

Jeffery also assaulted his partner while at the hospital and was arrested shortly afterwards. Jeffery pleaded guilty and was sentenced to three years and one month in prison, along with a 10-year restraining order.

Understanding Coercive Control Under UK Law

In the UK, coercive control became officially recognized as a criminal offense in December 2015, under the Serious Crime Act 2015. Coercive control describes a pattern of behavior by an abuser that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim. This can include isolating a person from their sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance, and escape, and regulating their everyday behavior.

For a conviction of coercive control in the UK, prosecutors must prove that the behavior had a serious effect on the victim, including causing them serious alarm or distress that had a substantial adverse effect on their daily life.

Few Convictions for Coercive Control

Recent data indicates that while thousands of cases are reported annually, only a small fraction lead to convictions. For instance, in 2019, there were 17,616 offenses recorded under coercive and controlling behavior laws, but only 1,177 resulted in convictions. This disparity highlights challenges in both reporting and prosecuting such complex cases, where evidence of the psychological impact on victims is difficult to quantify.

A Call to Action

Detective Constable Jake Squire of the West Kent Proactive Domestic Abuse Team emphasized the importance of addressing such cases seriously, stating, “Jeffery is an aggressive bully who used threats and intimidation to exert complete control over his victim. It is right he is now serving a prison sentence and I hope this gives his victim the opportunity to repair her health and rebuild her life.”

Squire also urged anyone experiencing similar forms of abuse to seek help, reminding the community that support is available and nobody should feel trapped in an abusive situation. His message highlights the priority given to tackling domestic abuse by Kent Police and encourages victims to reach out to the police or support agencies.

Featured image: Grant Jeffery was sentenced to three years in prison. Image: Public domain.

AirTags and Stalking: A New Tool for Coercive Control and Abuse

By
Samara Knight
-
Airtags are being used for stalking and control

The introduction of Apple AirTags has opened a Pandora’s box of privacy concerns, with the devices increasingly used in cases of stalking and coercive control. Originally designed to help people track lost items, these small, inexpensive trackers are now being exploited by stalkers and abusers to monitor their victims’ locations covertly.

Rising Concern Over Coercive Use of Trackers

In the last six years, the reported use of GPS trackers in cases of coercive control and stalking has skyrocketed by over 300%, according to ITV News. The ease of use and accessibility of AirTags, costing less than £30, have made them particularly appealing for malicious purposes. These devices, no larger than a 50p coin, can be secretly attached to almost anything, allowing abusers to track their targets in real-time.

AirTags emit a secure Bluetooth signal that nearby devices within the Find My network can detect. These devices relay the location of your AirTag to iCloud, allowing you to view its location on a map through the Find My app.

Rachel Younger, an ITV News Correspondent, highlighted that while many users appreciate AirTags for recovering lost pets or belongings, there is a darker side to the technology. A recent lawsuit in America has accused Apple of negligence, stating that AirTags have become “the weapon of choice of stalkers and abusers.” This is because they enable abusers to give “real-time location information to track victims” without detection.

The Case of Àine O’Neill

A distressing example involves Irish National Àine O’Neill, who was pursuing an acting career in California. She discovered that an AirTag had been deliberately concealed in the bodywork of her car and was being used to track her movements.

Her fear around the potential consequences of this led her to abandon her career and return to Ireland. Despite the severe impact on her life, the identity of her stalker remained unknown. This illustrates the profound challenges victims face when faced with stalking and harassment.

Law Enforcement and Safety Measures

The increasing misuse of AirTags has prompted law enforcement and safety advocates to push for better security measures. In response to the growing concerns, Apple has stated that they are working closely with safety groups to enhance AirTag safety features and prevent misuse.

As the use of these devices in controlling behavior and stalking continues to rise, the question remains about the balance between technological convenience and the potential for abuse. This ongoing issue poses difficult questions about the real cost of such conveniences. They were originally designed to make lives easier but are now complicating them in unforeseen and dangerous ways.

References

Teitel, J. and McDonald, S. (2024). Florida cracking down on cyber stalking with Apple AirTags, other hidden tracking devices. WUFT.

Younger, R. (2024). AirTags becoming ‘weapon of choice of stalkers and abusers’ as GPS tracker cases rocket by 317%. ITV.

Featured image: Apple AirTag. Source: wachiwit / Adobe Stock

Beyond Vows: Confronting Abuse in the Sanctity of Marriage

By
shadowsofcontrol
-
religion and domestic abuse

Marriage, often revered as a sacred bond of love, respect, and mutual support, can sometimes become a cage for those trapped in the cycle of abuse. For many women, the decision to leave an abusive marriage is not merely a matter of recognizing the toxicity they endure. It is complicated by deeply ingrained beliefs about commitment, particularly within religious communities where divorce is frowned upon. This article explores the complex dynamics of abuse within the context of marriage vows. How does religion and cultural beliefs influence the decision to leave?

Marriage Vows and Abuse

For many, marriage vows are seen as an unbreakable contract, a lifelong commitment that must be upheld regardless of the circumstances. This perception is often reinforced by cultural and religious teachings that promote the sanctity of marriage at all costs. Marriage vows are a commitment to love and cherish, but when abuse enters the relationship, it breaks the sacred trust those religious vows represent. Psychologists like Dr. Judith Herman, in her work ‘Trauma and Recovery,’ suggest that the societal pressure to maintain the facade of a perfect marriage can significantly hinder a victim’s ability to leave an abusive relationship. Victims may feel they are betraying not just their partner but also their community and their faith by considering divorce.

Many women struggle with feelings of failure for not being able to make the marriage work. They feel ashamed for breaking their marriage vows and not being able to stick it out “in good times and bad”. The stigma attached to divorce, especially in religious communities, exacerbates these feelings of shame. It makes it even more challenging for victims to seek help and choose safety over the expectations of others.

Religious Teachings and Societal Perceptions

In many religious contexts, divorce is portrayed as a failure or sin, leading women to endure abusive relationships under the guise of marital commitment. Dr. Lenore Walker, known for her groundbreaking work ‘The Battered Woman Syndrome,’ highlights how religious counseling often emphasizes forgiveness and patience over personal safety and mental health. This can create a conflict where the victim feels compelled to stay, believing that enduring abuse is somehow noble or required by their faith.

David Hawkins, author of ‘When Loving Him is Hurting You’ and a trainer for the American Association of Christian Counselors, brings to light how the Church can inadvertently perpetuate a woman’s endurance of abuse. He argues that the Church often advises women to submit and to pray. This advice is given even when they are facing an extremely dangerous situation. However, Hawkins points out that Scripture does not condone abuse in any form. He references 1 Corinthians 13, which reads that love “does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…It always protects” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

Psychological Impact of Staying in an Abusive Marriage

The psychological toll on women who remain in abusive marriages, believing they are fulfilling a marital or religious duty, can be devastating. Studies show that prolonged exposure to abuse can lead to chronic mental health issues. These include, depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Abuse, for some, can be a matter of life or death.

Dr. Bancroft, in ‘Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men,’ addresses the insidious ways abusers manipulate and isolate their partners into believing that leaving is not an option. This further entrenches the notion that abuse must be endured for the sake of the marriage. Many survivors of domestic abuse struggle with the decision to leave their spouse, as it can feel like a betrayal of their marriage vows. However, prioritizing personal safety and well-being is crucial, as marriage vows were never intended to condone or trap someone in an abusive situation.

Marriage is a partnership that should provide safety, love, and respect. The decision to leave an abusive marriage, while difficult, especially within the constraints of religious and societal expectations, is a courageous step towards reclaiming autonomy and well-being. It is crucial for communities, religious leaders, and society at large to support those facing such predicaments, ensuring they do not stand alone in their journey towards safety and healing. The vow of marriage should never be misconstrued as a vow to endure abuse.

References

Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Berkley Books.

Hawkins, D. (2017). When Loving Him is Hurting You: Hope and Help for Women Dealing with Narcissism and Emotional Abuse. Harvest House Publishers.

Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.

Walker, L. E. (1979). The Battered Woman Syndrome. Springer Publishing Company.

Why Controlling Men Can’t Stand It When You Get Angry

By
shadowsofcontrol
-

In controlling or abusive relationships, the expression of anger by the partner being controlled is not just unwelcome; it can be downright unsafe.

An abuser’s disdain for his partner’s anger is not about a dislike for loud voices or heated arguments; it is about loss of control. When a woman stands up for herself, it directly challenges the abuser’s power, making him feel threatened. Abusers cannot handle their partner asserting independence or challenging their authority. Therefore, they see anger as an act of defiance. That is intolerable and unacceptable to any controlling person.

Lundy Bancroft, author of ‘Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Man’, has spent over three decades working with male perpetrators of violence against women. He explains that one reason an abusive man reacts so strongly to his partner’s anger is because he considers himself above reproach. The second reason is that he senses there is power in his partner’s anger:

“If you have space to feel and express your rage, you will be better able to hold on to your identity and to resist his suffocation of you. He tries to take your anger away in order to snuff out your capacity to resist his will” (Bancroft, 2002, pp59).

Finally, he sees his partner’s anger as a challenge to his authority. He will typically respond by overpowering his partner with anger that is far greater than theirs:

“One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise, and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone” (Bancroft, 2002, p. 60).

The Abuser’s Anger

Many people believe that abusers have a problem with managing their anger and that the problem would be resolved if they were to take anger-management classes. However, Bancroft explains that abusers do not have a problem with their anger; they have a problem with their partner’s anger.

They also do not have a problem with controlling or managing anger. This evidenced by the fact that they will almost never unleash their rage in public but will wait until they are behind closed doors.

An anger management program would not help an abusive person because “his entitlements would just keep producing more anger. His attitudes are what need to change.” (Bancroft, 2002, p. 60).

At the root of an abuser’s anger is the need to dominate. They carry attitudes that produce rage and will continue to produce rage so long as their partner is not able to follow all his rules or meet all his demands. Since an abuser’s demands are unrealistic and often unattainable, it means they will be angry a lot of the time.

The Consequences of Speaking Up

When a woman dares to express dissent or anger, she will usually face criticism, dismissal, blame, gaslighting, or even more severe abuse. It will rarely, if ever, lead to the abuser understanding or reflecting on his behavior. More often than not, it will lead to an escalation of abuse.

Carol Lambert, in her book ‘Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner,’ details how abusers will often use the woman’s anger as a pretext for further abuse, framing himself as the provoked party. Phrases like “If you hadn’t gotten so angry, I wouldn’t have reacted that way” are typical. It shifts the blame and makes the woman feel guilty for her natural emotional response. This cycle of abuse and victim-blaming leads many women to suppress their anger, fearing further retaliation or misunderstanding.

A woman expressing anger might also be accused of being the truly controlling or abusive one in the relationship. Accusations such as “You’re out of control” or “You’re crazy” are common gaslighting techniques. They aim to make her doubt her own feelings and sanity. In this twisted narrative, the abuser casts himself as the victim, eliciting guilt and confusion in his partner. This leads her to believe she was in the wrong for getting angry.

“When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are” (Bancroft, 2002, p. 60)

My abusive ex-husband would fly into rages if I ever dared to say ‘no’ to something he wanted or something he believed. However, if I were to ever show even the smallest hint of anger, he would tell me that I have “serious psychological issues”, that I was “crazy”, “insane”, or “didn’t know how to think.” I learned to keep my anger to myself. It simply wasn’t worth the verbal assault that would follow.

The Impact of Suppression

An abuser’s psychological manipulation effectively devalues the woman’s experiences and intimidates her into silence. The underlying message is clear: expressing anger is asking for trouble. Over time, women in such relationships learn to suppress their anger, internalizing it rather than risking further conflict. This suppression leads to confusion and a diminished ability to discern between reasonable and unreasonable anger, eroding her sense of self and her ability to stand up for her rights and needs.

Carol Lambert explains that anger is a crucial emotional signal. It indicates when boundaries have been crossed and helps individuals recognize unfair or hurtful behavior. Anger, when understood and appropriately expressed, can be a tool for holding the abuser accountable and asserting one’s rights.

However, anger is not just a sign of something wrong; it’s a necessary emotion for empowerment. It helps in understanding one’s own needs, and ultimately, in fostering a sense of strength and assertiveness. Recognizing and owning one’s anger is a step towards reclaiming independence, challenging the abusive dynamics, and moving towards a healthier self-image.

Ultimately, it is important for victims to experience and understand that their anger is a legitimate, healthy response to abuse and control.

References

Bancroft, Lundy. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Penguin Publishing Group.

Lambert, Carol A. (2016). Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner. New Harbinger Publications.

10 Common Excuses Abusers Give for Their Behavior

By
shadowsofcontrol
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Abusive relationships often operate under a veil of excuses and justifications that the perpertrator uses to rationalize his behavior. It’s important for victims and others to be able to recognize these excuses, including the act of excusing abuse itself, and to understand that they are forms of manipulation. This article looks at ten common reasons abusers use to justify their actions.

1. “I Love You Too Much”

Abusers often disguise their jealousy and controlling behaviors as acts of love and concern. Lundy Bancroft, in his work ‘Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men,’ discusses how abusers equate love with ownership and use their apparent “love” to justify their possessive behaviors (Bancroft, 2002).

At the start of a relationship, abusers often shower their partners with too much affection, attention, and grand gestures. This is known as ‘love-bombing’. While this might feel flattering at first, it’s actually a warning sign of their lack of respect for your autonomy and personal space. The change from apparent devotion to control is often so gradual that the victim doesn’t notice it is happening. The claim of loving “too much,” used to excuse jealousy and possessiveness, tends to reappear throughout the relationship.

2. “You Provoked Me”

The blame game is a classic strategy where abusers shift responsibility onto their partners. It suggests their actions were a direct response to their partner’s behavior. Patricia Evans highlights this tactic in ‘The Verbally Abusive Relationship,’ where abusers absolve themselves of guilt by blaming the victim for provoking them (Evans, 1996). One of my ex-husband’s favorite phrases to use when he was enraged was, “You just love making me angry don’t you?!”

This tactic deflects accountability and makes their partner believe they are at fault for the abuse they endure. Over time, this can lead to a cycle where the victim modifies their behavior in an attempt to avoid “provoking” the abuser.

3. “I Had a Bad Day”

Externalizing the cause of their abusive behavior, abusers often cite ‘a bad day’ or external stressors as reasons for his actions. Excusing abuse in this way aims to generate sympathy and understanding from his partner. It ignores the fact that he chooses to be abusive.

During the Covid pandemic, when my ex-husband’s erratic behavior and emotional abuse worsened, he said it was because he was stressed by everything going on around him. However, the reality is that most people in the world were stressed during this period, and certainly not everyone chose to become abusive!

Blaming abuse on a ‘bad day’ shifts the emotional labor onto the victim, who often feels compelled to provide comfort or forgiveness, regardless of her own emotional state. It creates a dynamic where the abuser’s needs and feelings are always prioritized. His partner’s primary role, on the other hand, is to support and placate him. Over time, the abuser’s partner comes to neglect her own emotional needs as she becomes increasingly focused on managing his reactions.

4. “I Was Just Joking”

Minimization of abusive actions through humor is a tactic discussed by Beverly Engel in ‘The Emotionally Abusive Relationship.’ Abusers belittle or degrade their partners under the guise of jokes, later dismissing any hurt feelings as the victim being too sensitive (Engel, 2002).

Using “it was just a joke” as an excuse makes the victim feel like they’re the problem for not understanding the humor or for being too easily upset. This tactic makes an individual stop speaking up about things that hurt them. They feel worried they’ll be seen as too serious or sensitive. Over time, they might start blaming themselves for feeling hurt instead of seeing the abuser’s actions as wrong.

5. “I Can’t Control It”

Abusers often deflect responsibility for their behavior by claiming that they momentarily lost control. Carol Lambert, in her book ‘Women with Controlling Partners,’ explains how this excuse is based on the false idea that abusers are helpless in the face of their impulses (Lambert, 2016).

This myth is also contradicted by the fact that abusers usually only act abusively in private, towards their partners, while maintaining a facade of normalcy with friends, colleagues, and others. This selective behavior clearly demonstrates that abusers are indeed capable of controlling their actions. They choose to exert their abusive behaviors where they feel most empowered to do so—within the confines of their intimate relationships.

6. “I Had a Rough Childhood”

While past trauma can influence behavior, abusers may use their difficult backgrounds as justification for abuse. This manipulative tactic seeks to evoke pity and understanding, rather than addressing and changing abusive patterns.

Saying they had a tough childhood turns attention away from what they’re doing wrong in the present and instead focuses attention on their past, making people feel sorry for them instead of calling them out. This makes their partner think they should be more understanding and put up with the abuse. It’s a sneaky way to avoid getting blamed and makes the victim deal with the abuser’s old problems.

7. “You’re Misinterpreting Things”

Gaslighting, or manipulating someone into questioning their reality, is a form of psychological abuse where abusers deny the victim’s experience. This excuse serves to invalidate the victim’s feelings and perceptions, further entrenching the power imbalance.

When abusers say you’re taking things the wrong way, they’re twisting the truth to make you doubt what you know and feel. This trick makes you trust their word over your own thoughts, giving them more control over you. It’s a clever way for them to keep you under their thumb, making sure you second-guess yourself anytime you think they’re in the wrong. This makes it harder for you to stand up to them because you start to question if you’re the one that is seeing things wrong.

8. “I Promise It Won’t Happen Again”

Following abusive episodes, abusers often make empty promises of change. When abusers say “It won’t happen again” but keep repeating the behavior, they’re playing a game to keep their partner from leaving. This cycle, characterized by episodes of abuse followed by remorse and false promises, is a pattern identified by researchers as a tactic to keep victims hopeful for a change that never materializes. The victim ends up stuck, always waiting for an improvement that never comes.

9. “It’s Just Because I Was Drunk”

Blaming abusive behavior on alcohol or substance use is another common excuse. While substances can exacerbate violence, they do not cause abusive behavior; this excuse shifts blame away from the abuser’s choices and actions.

An abuser uses this tactic to try to dodge responsibility, acting as if the alcohol made them do it. But drinking doesn’t make someone abusive; it just might show more of who they already are.

10. “No One Will Believe You”

Abusers may undermine the victim’s credibility, suggesting that attempts to seek help or expose the abuse will be futile. This tactic isolates the victim further and discourages them from reaching out for support.

This strategy is designed to make a victim doubt if anyone would take their side or help them. This makes the individual scared to tell anyone about the abuse, leaving them feeling alone and stuck. This not only stops them from getting support but also makes them feel like their story doesn’t matter to others.

Abusers will use every trick in the book to try to excuse their behavior. My ex-husband, who was born in a different country and culture to my own, would tell me that his behavior was ‘normal’ in his country and failure to accept that meant I was being racist.

Recognizing these excuses for what they are—manipulations designed to justify abuse and maintain control—is the first step in breaking the cycle of abuse. Victims and those around them must see through these rationalizations to understand that abuse is always a choice, and one for which abusers must be held accountable. Ultimately, there is no excuse for abuse, ever!

References

Bancroft, Lundy. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Penguin Publishing Group.

Engel, B. (2002). The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing. John Wiley & Sons.

Evans, P. (1996). The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond. Adams Media Corporation.

Lambert, Carol A. (2016). Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner. New Harbinger Publications.

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