Projection in abusive relationships is a defense mechanism where an individual shifts their own undesirable traits, emotions, or behaviors onto someone else. It’s a psychological tactic that serves as a powerful tool for manipulation, particularly in abusive relationships. It allows the abuser to deflect blame, avoid accountability, and maintain control over their victim.
While projection is not exclusive to any specific personality type, it’s particularly common in individuals with narcissistic tendencies. Such tendencies stem from deep-seated insecurities, causing individuals to employ projection to protect their fragile self-image by virtue of falsely convincing themselves and those around them that the negative actions and attributes that they possess actually belong to others.
Abusive individuals rely on projection to shield themselves from their personal guilt and responsibility, assigning their own flaws and misdeeds to others. They are unafraid of and devoid of the shame that comes with the hypocrisy they may be displaying. The tricky part is that although this manipulative tactic can be employed consciously by an abuser, it is frequently executed subconsciously, making it an extremely frustrating behavior for a victim to recognize and combat.
The information below will help you build your awareness and understanding of how and why abusive partners use projection as a manipulative tactic.
Why Abusers Use Projection
One of the main reasons narcissistic abusers use projection is to shield their vulnerable self-esteem. Instead of acknowledging their flaws or misdeeds, they often project them onto their victim, enabling them to maintain their distorted view of themselves as superior or blameless, whilst also subtly coercing their victim into needlessly questioning if they’re in the wrong.
One common example of how this plays out is through cheating accusations. An abusive partner might claim you’re being unfaithful, perhaps accusing you of being overly flirtatious with others, while they are being unfaithful. By switching the focus to your supposed actions, the abuser avoids confronting their own wrongdoing and diverts your attention to needlessly defending yourself. It keeps a victim off balance, trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and confusion, while the abuser remains unaccountable. But how else can projection in abusive relationships manifest?
How Projection can Manifest in Abusive Relationships
1. Accusing You of Dishonesty
As mentioned, cheating accusations are a particularly common example of projection in abusive relationships, however any irrational accusations of dishonesty may also be warning signs. If your partner accuses you of things you haven’t done, such as lying about where you’ve been, hiding money, or keeping secrets, these could all be examples of them projecting their own actions.
2. Criticizing Your Appearance
If your partner constantly criticizes your appearance, such as obsessively picking on and laughing at the shape of your nose or your stomach, it may be that they themselves struggle with self-esteem issues. In this case, they are attempting to project their insecurities onto you in a bid to make themselves feel better about their own lack of confidence.
3. Projecting Self-Hate
Your partner may accuse you of hating them, even when you do nothing but show them love and admiration. This could be an indication that they are projecting their own self-hatred onto you. This can be particularly confusing, as it can happen even when you are going above and beyond for your partner, leading you to feel as though all your efforts have gone unnoticed when, in reality, the issue lies solely with your partner.
4. Questioning Your Parenting Skills
If you have children with your partner, they may criticize your parenting style or unreasonably call you a bad parent even when you do more for the children than they do themselves. This may be a projection of their feelings toward their own shortcomings as a parent and a desperate attempt to deflect the blame and guilt.
5. Playing the Victim
Playing the victim is a common projection tactic. Here, your partner might label you as an abuser, focusing on your wrongdoings and even your behavior during instances of reactive abuse (better named ‘reactive defense’), while simultaneously ignoring their own abusive actions. They may make you feel guilty, successfully projecting their own shame onto you, totally blind to the fact that they are constantly abusing you.
This can be extremely confusing for a victim, as their abusive partner may accuse them of doing to them the exact things they are victims of. The abuser may even use buzzwords like projection and gaslighting themselves to turn the tables. As a result, the focus is shifted away from the abusers’ behaviour, leaving the victim to question their own perceptions and experiences.
Projection as a Pre-emptive Action
Another way abusers use projection is as pre-emptive actions. These occur when they feel threatened or fear that their flaws will be exposed. They will accuse you of being exactly what they fear being labelled as, such as selfish, unreliable, or manipulative.
For instance, if you call them out on breaking promises, they may flip the narrative and accuse you of being the selfish one. In their mind, it’s a form of defense and attacking you first is a way to protect their fragile ego.
Recognizing Projection and Protecting Yourself
Being the target of projection can be disorienting and emotionally draining, especially when the abuser constantly shifts blame onto you. Recognizing this tactic for what it is (a defense mechanism to protect their fragile sense of self) can be the first step in reclaiming control over your emotional well-being. In other words, you are not the problem!
If you suspect you’re dealing with projection in your relationship, consider the following strategies:
Set clear boundaries: Limit your exposure to the abuser’s accusations and refuse to engage in their manipulative behavior.
Stay grounded in your own reality: Trust your perceptions and feelings. Write things down if needed to keep track of events.
Seek outside support: Friends, family, or a therapist can provide an objective perspective and help you identify abusive patterns.
Ultimately, projection in abusive relationships is a tool of control designed to keep you off-balance and ensure the abuser’s continued dominance. Recognizing it is the first step toward breaking free from its grip and reclaiming your sense of self-worth.
In a heartfelt video, a victim of narcissistic abuse shares her story of enduring 24 years of emotional and mental torment from her husband. She explains how, despite being emotionally neglected and starved, she didn’t realize she was a victim of emotional abuse until she had fully severed ties with him and started therapy. It was only through her therapist’s feedback that she began to understand the extent of her abuse, and how deeply manipulation had kept her trapped in a toxic cycle.
The abuse survivor explains that her sense of optimism and desire to fix things made her believe she could repair her marriage, despite her husband’s narcissistic tendencies. The turning point came after the loss of her father, which prompted her to reflect on the brevity of life and realize she could no longer tolerate being smothered by someone who dismissed and devalued her.
After leaving her husband, she still faced harassment and manipulation through phone calls and texts, but with the support of her therapist and loved ones, she was able to sever all communication and go ‘no contact’. The relief she felt after cutting ties was immense, and she described how her mental and physical health improved drastically as a result.
In sharing her story, the victim hopes to raise awareness about the devastating effects of emotional abuse, especially in relationships with narcissists. She emphasizes the importance of seeking help, speaking up, and leaning on those who care for support. She acknowledges that healing takes time, as victims need to “reprogram” their minds and undo the damage inflicted by years of manipulation, but with the right support, recovery is possible.
Abusive and controlling behavior is rarely an isolated incident. Instead, it typically follows a recurring cycle of highs and lows that can be hard for victims to recognize while they’re in it. A person experiencing abuse might find themselves trapped in a pattern where periods of conflict and affection alternate, leaving them feeling confused and torn between feeling cared for and hurt.
This cycle was conceptualized into four separate phases by Psychologist Dr. Lenore in her 1979 book The Battered Woman. While the model has evolved over time, it still provides a valuable framework for identifying and understanding what the cycle of abuse looks like.
If you are questioning your partner’s behaviour, please read on to learn how you can recognize the different stages of the cycle of abuse.
Phase 1 – The Tension-Building Phase
The initial phase of the cycle of abuse is marked by increasing tension. During this phase, an abusive partner may start to become angrier and more irritable, escalating small disagreements into bigger issues and, rather than addressing the source of their upset, taking their frustration out on you verbally or emotionally. They might start criticizing you more often, giving you the silent treatment, or becoming moody and distant, making you feel as though you’re walking on eggshells in attempt to prevent their outbursts.
Due to their unpleasant behaviours, you may find yourself trying to appease them by being extra accommodating, perhaps agreeing to things you usually wouldn’t or suppressing your own needs and feelings to cater to them. However, no matter what you do, the tension continues to build, which eventually leads to the so-called ‘incident’ phase.
Phase 2 – The Incident Phase
It is during the incident phase that abuse peaks, the controller lashes out and perpetrates a seriously damaging act of abuse over the victim. The abuse could be physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, or even financial. They might yell, insult you, break things, or in more extreme cases, resort to physical violence.
During this phase, a controlling partners behaviour is often extremely unpredictable and can catch you off guard. The incident could last minutes or stretch over hours, leaving you feeling extremely shocked and hurt. The sudden intensity of the abuse may make you question what you did to cause the explosion, even though it’s not your fault.
Phase 3 – The Honeymoon Phase
After the abusive incident, a controlling partner tends to switch gears, offering constant apologies and promising you that they’ll change. This is known as the honeymoon phase, as during this time your partner might shower you with affection, gifts, or kind words. They might beg for forgiveness, assuring you that their outburst was a one-time occurrence, that it won’t happen again, or even blame their behavior on stress, alcohol, or other external factors.
These manipulative behaviors can lead a victim to believe that their abuser truly regrets their actions, resulting in them feeling hopeful that the relationship will get better, things will change and that they don’t need to leave the relationship even after enduring horrendous abuse. It can be an emotionally confusing time because your partner might seem like the loving, caring person you fell in love with. Unfortunately, this phase is often temporary and is used by abusers to reset the cycle and keep you in the relationship.
Phase 4 – The Calm Phase
In some cases, there is a calm phase following the honeymoon. Here, your partner may seem on their best behavior, acting as if nothing happened, and engage in conflict-free interactions. This phase can feel like a relief after the previous tension and outbursts, and you might believe that the abuse is behind you.
However, more often than not, period of calm is short-lived. Over time, tension will begin to build again, and the cycle of abuse will repeat itself over and over again. The pattern of behaviors can make it difficult to leave because the good times during the honeymoon and calm phases can make you believe that things might truly change.
The Cycle of Abuse in Different Relationships
Whilst this model of abuse is very clear and informative, remember that abuse doesn’t look the same in every relationship. The cycle of abuse can manifest differently depending on the people involved and the type of abuse. In some relationships, there may be little to no honeymoon or calm phases. Instead, the tension-building and explosion phases may happen more frequently or without any breaks.
It is also important to remember that abuse can also take various forms, including physical violence, emotional manipulation, financial control, or verbal assaults. For example, your partner might not use physical force but could rely on constant belittling, isolation from your friends and family, or controlling your finances. Understanding that abuse takes many shapes is crucial in recognizing the patterns in your own situation.
Furthermore, even though Dr. Lenore’s model provides an illuminative account of the cycle of abuse, there have been some notable some concerns with it in that it may perhaps lead to victim-blaming. As highlighted by Crystal Raypole in her article Understanding the Cycle of Abuse, the idea that abuse always follows the same cycle can lead outsiders, abusers, and even survivors to misplace the blame for the abuse. It could cause people to conclude that the victim plays a role in perpetuating the cycle. However, this is never the case. This perspective fails to consider the psychological, emotional, and sometimes financial control that keeps victims trapped.
Leaving an Abusive Relationship
The truth is, leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly complex. Abusers often create an environment of dependency, fear, and manipulation that makes escape seem impossible. Victims may stay because of fear for their safety, concern for their children, financial insecurity, or even because they still love their partner and believe the promises of change.
If you suspect your partner is perpetrating any abusive behaviours, it’s important to understand that the abuse is not your fault. Abusive partners aim to keep you trapped in the cycle, making it difficult to leave even when you recognize the harm.
If you feel ready to seek help or need support, consider reaching out to trusted friends, family members, or professional organizations that specialize in domestic violence. They can offer guidance, resources, and a listening ear. It can also be helpful to create a safety plan, which includes identifying safe places to go, having important documents ready, and developing a support system in case you need to leave the relationship suddenly. Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship in which you feel safe, respected, and valued.
Ijaz Saeed, a 40-year-old man from West Yorkshire, England, has been sentenced to 40 months in prison after a court found him guilty of coercive control and assaulting his partner. In one shocking incident, after a violent attack, Saeed forced his partner to leave their home, leading her to spend the night sleeping in the woods. This extreme act of control is just one of many examples of Saeed’s abusive and manipulative behavior throughout their relationship, which was marked by controlling behavior, possessiveness, and ongoing harassment even after their separation.
Controlling Behavior and Coercive Control
Yorkshire Live reports that Saeed’s relationship with his partner began in 2018, following his release from prison for previous drug offenses. Initially described as “very good,” the relationship quickly deteriorated as Saeed’s controlling behavior intensified. His partner was subjected to constant surveillance, with Saeed monitoring her phone, social media accounts, and dictating her social circle—especially forbidding her from interacting with male friends.
During the trial at Leeds Crown Court, prosecutor Brian Russwell revealed that Saeed habitually controlled what his partner wore, where she went, and even restricted her social interactions. His jealous tendencies manifested through constant accusations and manipulation, convincing her that she was “worthless.” The victim was left questioning her every action, apologizing for minor behaviors, and feeling the need to justify her daily activities.
Physical Violence and Isolation
The court heard how Saeed’s controlling behavior escalated into physical violence on multiple occasions. In March 2021, the victim was attacked, with Saeed punching and kicking her in the ribs, leaving her in excruciating pain. He refused to take her to the hospital, and she later discovered her ribs were swollen and bruised, requiring 12 weeks of recovery.
In a separate incident in March this year, Saeed pushed his partner into a wardrobe, punched her, and then forced her to leave their home. With nowhere to go, she spent the night in the woods. The next morning, her daughter found her injured, with bruises and swelling on her forehead.
Saeed’s actions left his partner feeling trapped in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. She later told the court that even after she attempted to leave multiple times, Saeed’s coercive control would pull her back into the toxic relationship.
Stalking After Separation
Despite the relationship ending in April, Saeed’s stalking behavior intensified. He would frequently drive by his ex-partner’s home and turn up at her location uninvited, a clear attempt to maintain control over her life. His ex-partner reported feeling constantly monitored, fearing that someone was watching her on Saeed’s behalf. This post-separation abuse and harassment left her struggling with anxiety, sleeplessness, and heightened fears of being harmed.
Stalking is a common continuation of coercive control in many abusive relationships, where abusers attempt to maintain power even after a breakup. The victim stated that she had removed herself from social media out of fear, adding that Saeed had stolen her children’s memory boxes and sold her personal possessions. The harassment contributed to her ongoing psychological distress, demonstrating the long-term effects of coercive and controlling behavior.
Distorted Perception
During the sentencing, it was revealed that Saeed had shown little remorse for his actions. In his interviews with the probation officer, Saeed claimed that he believed he could be a “spokesman for men,” showing a lack of understanding and insight into the harm he had caused. The judge, Recorder Moxon, noted Saeed’s comments as evidence of his distorted mindset and disregard for his partner’s well-being.
Saeed’s defense team argued that he regretted his behavior and expressed a desire for rehabilitation. Despite these claims, the court imposed a restraining order to protect his ex-partner. The order prohibits Saeed from contacting her, approaching any location she resides in, or remaining near any premises where she is present.
Featured image: Ijaz Saeed Source: West Yorkshire Police
Even in a committed relationship, each partner should have the freedom to maintain their individuality. That means they should feel free to dress, act, and conduct themselves in a way that’s comfortable and familiar for them, and spend their time (within reason) pursuing activities and interests that make them feel fulfilled. Though it might start slowly, some people in abusive relationships begin to find that their partner is becoming more and more jealous and possessive over them. This is a huge red flag, and one you should be aware of. In this article, we’ll discuss this issue and present you with 15 signs your partner might be displaying unhealthy levels of jealous and possessive behavior.
Jealousy and Possessiveness: A Toxic Duo
“It’s not unusual for somebody to have feelings of jealousy in a romantic relationship, especially during the early months where there is more uncertainty,” says Robert L. Leahy (B.A., M.S., Ph.D., Yale University), director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy and author of the best-selling book, The Jealousy Cure: Learn to Trust, Overcome Possessiveness, and Save Your Relationship. “Possessiveness occurs when these feelings of jealousy turn into behaviors to either punish or restrict the freedom of the partner.”
Signs of a Jealous and Possessive Partner
If your partner has jealous tendencies or is overly possessive, you’ll quickly begin to feel stifled in the relationship, and perhaps even afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. “Jealousy becomes toxic when your partner criticizes you or accuses you of infidelity or other problematic behaviors,” Leahy says. But it’s more than just annoying behavior.
Unhealthy levels of jealousy and possessiveness, when directed at a partner, are forms of emotional abuse. “This kind of behavior can be very dangerous,” says Marissa Moore, MA, LPC, a licensed professional counselor, mental health consultant and writer at Mentalyc. “It can escalate from emotional manipulation to more severe forms of control, and in some cases, even physical abuse.”
The best way to navigate a situation like this is to recognize it as early as possible, before it gets out of hand, or before you’re enmeshed in the relationship by things like marriage, children or a cross-country move. Below, we’ve listed 15 common signs of jealousy and possessiveness in a partner.
1. They get upset when you see friends or family on your own
An unusually possessive partner might say things like, “why do you put your family/friends above me?” or, “I see where your priorities lie,” when you make plans with others. In one case, a victim explained that her abuser managed to convince her, in a myriad of subtle ways, that she shouldn’t see her family more than once every two weeks, regardless of the reason.
“By framing their jealousy as your lack of ‘priority,’ they make it seem like you’re in the wrong for wanting alone time or seeing others when in reality, it’s perfectly healthy to maintain your own individuality,” says Moore. In addition to the above, you might hear your possessive partner say things like:
Didn’t you just see them?
Why are they so important to you?
Why are you letting this person come between us?
Why would you jeopardize our relationship to spend time with them?
They’re trying to drive a wedge between us.
2. They read your texts/emails/journal
Violations of your privacy are common in a relationship with a jealous or possessive partner. They may feel justified in committing these boundary violations, but “this breach of trust is about control,” says Moore. “By violating your privacy, they gain access to your personal thoughts and interactions, which helps them feel in control of you. It’s not about ‘staying connected’ like they might claim—it’s about mistrust and monitoring.”
3. They attempt to track your whereabouts
With today’s advanced technology, the easiest way for a possessive partner to ensure your allegiance lies with them is to track you wherever you go. This can be done with something as simple as sharing location on your mobile device, or as insidious as hiding a tiny GPS tracker (like an Air Tag) in your vehicle. Regardless, this is stalking behavior, and numerous studies show that such behavior is a precursor to domestic violence. In fact, stalking is one of the criteria listed in the danger assessment – a tool used to determine the likelihood of a woman being killed by her abusive partner.
4. They try to control or dictate what you wear or how you look
It’s uncommon for an abuser to outright forbid you to wear a particular outfit or article of clothing. However, you might receive disapproving glances or hear things like the following when your partner is attempting to control the way you look or dress:
I’ll be disappointed if you come home (from a salon appointment) with short hair.
Don’t you think that skirt is too short for church?
You’re setting a bad example for our daughters when you dress like a tramp.
Oh, I see you’re wearing your lesbian shoes today.
You need to change.
What the heck are you wearing?
That’s a terrible color on you.
That outfit is unflattering.
“It seems like a preference at first, but when someone makes you feel guilty or pressures you to change (or not change!) your appearance to suit their tastes, it’s a form of control,” says Moore. “Your appearance should be about what makes you feel good, not about appeasing someone else’s insecurities.”
5. They accuse you of cheating/looking at others in an inappropriate way
This is one of the most common behaviors of jealous and possessive partners and is an extreme form of gaslighting. Having your partner repeatedly accuse you of cheating, flirting or even checking out members of the opposite sex (or the same sex, if you’re part of a same-sex relationship) is deeply invalidating and frustrating and can quickly lead you to second-guess yourself and your own motives.
Many victims say they feel the only way to avoid these types of situations is to stare only at the ground when out in public with their abuser. Over time, you may grow fearful of showing even the most basic courteous behavior toward other men. You might hear things like the following from your possessive partner:
I saw that guy checking you out. What did you do to make him look at you?
I saw the way you looked at him when you thought I wasn’t looking.
I guess you want him to take you home, huh?
Why were you trying to get that guy’s attention?
Who are you staring at?
I bet that shirt will get plenty of glances.
If you weren’t such an attention seeker, then…
There you go, seeking validation from other guys.
Why did you cross your legs that way?
I noticed you stopped holding my hand (or some other affectionate action) when he walked by…
Why were you chatting that guy up?
I can’t even have guy friends thanks to your flirting behavior.
6. They expect you to prioritize them 100% of the time
Being yourself in a relationship is about more than having time and space to yourself. A partner who’s unreasonably possessive may expect you to put all of their needs above your own. You might find yourself feeling guilty or scared if you accidentally forget to run an errand they asked you to do, or serving your partner first if there’s not enough food to go around. Or, you might find that their demands are becoming more and more outlandish, but you don’t dare say anything to avoid rocking the boat. The worst thing about this dynamic is that over time, you’ll find you still don’t measure up to their expectations.
7. They “drop by” unexpectedly and without being invited
Maybe he shows up at your workplace during your lunch break or brings you something he “thought you might need” during a girls’ night out. Of course, these could simply be acts of kindness when they occur sporadically. But keep an eye out to ensure there isn’t a pattern to this “random” behavior, since that would be a sign of possessiveness.
8. They insist they’re trying to “protect” you from certain people or situations
That friend or family member who encourages you to set boundaries with your abuser? She’s quickly going to become a target of your abuser’s intense jealousy and possessiveness. Using any means possible, the abuser will find “dirt” on this person, convince you she’s a bad influence or attempt other methods of creating distance between the two of you. “Possessive partners often criticize or belittle your friends and family, creating a sense that they are the only ones who truly care about you, making you more dependent on them emotionally,” says Moore. In these cases, the abuser might say the following:
I see the stuff she posts on Facebook.
He’s looking for more than friendship, I promise you that (in regards to a long-time friend of the opposite sex).
I have evidence that she’s into occult practices/drugs/drinking, etc.
I’ve seen you two interact and I can promise you she’s not really your friend.
She doesn’t have your best interests in mind like I do.
She’s pressuring you to make bad decisions. I thought peer pressure ended in high school.
She wants you to be exactly like her. Ever since you’ve been friends, you haven’t had a single independent thought.
Why are you letting her come between us?
That party is bad news, full of ridiculous people who have no sense of responsibility.
You’re so not doing that/going there.
9. They’re in constant contact when you’re not together
At first, this might seem cute and romantic. But if you start to find you can’t get through a coffee meet-up with your bestie without your partner’s name popping up on your phone, a problem might be brewing. Repeatedly checking in when you’re not together can be a sign of an overly possessive partner. How to know if it’s an issue or something innocent? Ask yourself what might happen if you’re unable or unwilling to answer their call or text. Would they be angry, or would they understand?
10. They expect you to check in
Similarly, a partner who outright expects you to check in while you’re away from them is a definite red flag. “This kind of constant communication might seem harmless at first—just checking in—but it becomes possessive when it’s done out of suspicion and the need to control. Constant texting, insisting on location sharing, or demanding regular ‘proof’ of where you are is about managing your movements, and is a hallmark of possessiveness,” says Moore.
11. They discourage you from pursuing things outside the relationship
This can include interests/hobbies/promotions/opportunities that make you happy. These things are especially likely if they’ll take you away from the home or cause you to reduce the amount of time you spend with your partner. It’s certainly understandable on some level that they’d be a little sad about having less time together, but discouraging you from pursuing reasonable interests and activities, like learning a new skill, joining a book club, traveling or even going back to school, is a sign of excessive levels of possessiveness.
12. They disregard your need for space and/or alone time
Healthy relationships allow for time and space for both partners to be alone and pursue individual interests. But an overly possessive partner will likely see this as a threat to your union, and might call you selfish or self-centered, or accuse you of being dishonest if you ask for space.
13. They get angry when you don’t answer their calls or texts
An overly possessive partner will automatically go to a place of anxiety and insecurity when they can’t reach you, regardless of the reason. That’s why they can’t stand it when you fail to promptly reply to their calls or texts. In extreme cases, you can expect them to show up at your location if they can’t reach you. Other tactics include contacting your friends or stalking you on social media to check up on your whereabouts. One woman shared how her partner would constantly text her, expecting instant replies. If she didn’t respond within minutes, he’d accuse her of lying or hiding something.
14. They might FaceTime you to make you prove your whereabouts
Similarly, an abuser might skip the phone call or text in favor of a FaceTime call, which allows him to see exactly where you are if you answer. And if you don’t, you can be sure your possessive partner will be upset when you get home.
15. They don’t like it when you call or text others in their presence
While it’s good to be present when spending one-on-one time with your partner, it’s only natural in today’s world that you might answer a text or two, or even take a phone call from time to time (this is especially the case, of course, if you and your partner are married or live together). There’s nothing at all wrong with communicating with other friends, family and acquaintances when your partner is around. But they’ll do everything they can to make you feel like there is.
Some abusers might forbid you to answer calls past a certain time, or even take your phone if you answer a text while spending time together. Here again, you’ll likely hear that you’re failing to make the relationship your top priority. Along with being a huge red flag for possessiveness, this is also an attempt to isolate you from your support system.
Everyone has feelings of jealousy and even possessiveness from time to time. It’s a normal part of life, and simply indicates that you have special feelings toward someone, and want them to feel the same about you. But problems arise when these feelings aren’t dealt with in a healthy way, and one partner begins to attempt to control or restrict the other. This problematic behavior can cause issues in the relationship and is a form of abuse. Leahy says, “the paradox of jealousy is that you don’t want to lose the relationship but your jealous behavior may be alienating your partner and may lead to the breakup of the relationship.”
A recent case involving Paula, a woman married to a Metropolitan police officer, raises critical questions about the nature of coercive control, gaslighting, and what is often inaccurately termed ‘reactive abuse.’
The Guardian reports that for more than a decade, Paula endured escalating abusive behaviors, including physical assaults. On one occasion, her husband attacked her with a knife. Alongside the violence, Paula’s husband covertly filmed her 24 hours a day for several years, turning her home into a surveillance nightmare. He would intentionally provoke Paula so that he could capture her emotional reactions on camera—moments that he later manipulated to discredit her.
“He’d provoke me and I would shout back while he sat there calmly because he knew the cameras were on. He wouldn’t let me sleep at night, so at times I was irritable with my child. He edited my worst moments on film into a montage and had me arrested for child cruelty,” Paula recalls.
Her husband’s careful manipulation of the footage led to Paula’s arrest and limited access to her children. For months, she was only allowed two supervised visits with her child each week. The officer investigating the case didn’t even watch the footage before presenting it in court, further highlighting the imbalance in how the police handled the allegations against Paula compared to her husband. Three years on, Paula is still fighting for more custody of her child.
The Myth of Reactive Abuse
I strongly believe that the term ‘reactive abuse’ misrepresents what actually occurs in cases like Paula’s. Typically, it refers to a victim’s defensive responses to ongoing abuse, such as emotional outbursts or physical retaliation after being provoked. This terminology unfairly shifts the blame onto the victim, suggesting their reactions are abusive in themselves.
In reality, these responses should be understood as ‘reactive defense,’ a natural and often unavoidable reaction to sustained emotional, psychological, or physical torment. Paula’s emotional outbursts were reactions to years of sleep deprivation, gaslighting, and calculated provocations. Labeling this as ‘abuse’ ignores the power dynamics at play and overlooks the manipulative environment that led to her reactions.
Abusers often exploit their partner’s reactions to their advantage. By provoking their victims into emotional or aggressive responses, they can twist the narrative to appear as though they are the ones being victimized. In Paula’s case, her ex-husband used the footage of her outbursts to claim she was unstable and an unfit mother. By editing and presenting only Paula’s emotional reactions, her ex-husband successfully portrayed her as unstable, erasing the context of his relentless provocations.
Gaslighting and Manipulation in Reactive Defense
Paula’s case highlights the manipulative tactic of gaslighting, where abusers distort reality to gain control. This gaslighting tactic is common in cases of coercive control. It further disempowers victims by making them doubt their own reality, trapping them in a cycle of self-blame and confusion.
Gaslighting is a particularly harmful aspect of coercive control because it not only affects the victim’s emotional state but also how outsiders—like courts and authorities—perceive the situation. Paula’s husband manipulated the family court system to make it seem as though her reactions to abuse were the real problem, diverting attention from his own abusive behaviors.
As seen in many cases of what I now call ‘reactive defense,’ abusers weaponize these responses by turning the legal system against their victims. Paula’s ex-husband succeeded in getting her arrested and restricted to supervised visitation with her child. The officer investigating her case further compounded this injustice by presenting the manipulated video to the court without even viewing the raw footage. This highlights a broader issue within family courts: the lack of understanding regarding the dynamics of coercive control and reactive defense, which often results in unjust outcomes for victims.
Reframing Reactive Abuse in Family Courts
Paula’s case is a powerful reminder that the legal system must reconsider how it views physical and emotional reactions to prolonged abuse. The term ‘reactive abuse’ is misleading and harmful to victims, as it implies that their responses are inherently abusive, when in reality they are protective measures taken in response to provocation.
By reframing these situations as ‘reactive defense,’ we can better understand the power imbalances and psychological manipulation that fuel them. Courts need to be educated on the nuances of coercive control and gaslighting so that they can more accurately assess these cases and ensure victims are not punished for their reactions to abuse.
Going forward, I believe we should adopt the term ‘reactive defense’ to more accurately reflect the reality of these situations and protect victims from further harm.
Domestic abuse is a complex and multifaceted issue that is often misunderstood. Many people hold misconceptions about what domestic abuse looks like and how it operates within a relationship. These myths not only obscure the reality of abuse but can also prevent victims from recognizing their situation or seeking help.
From assuming abuse is only physical to believing that it’s easy to leave an abuser, these widespread beliefs minimize the true nature of abuse and the barriers that victims face. Addressing the misconceptions is critical to supporting survivors and creating a more informed, compassionate understanding of domestic abuse.
On the Shadows of Control Facebook page, I reached out to domestic abuse survivors to share some of the most common misconceptions and misinformed beliefs they encountered from others. Based on their responses, I’ve gathered ten of the most widespread domestic abuse myths, along with explanations that debunk these misunderstandings.
1. Domestic Abuse Is Only Physical
One of the most enduring myths about domestic abuse is that it only involves physical violence. However, survivors emphasize that emotional, psychological, and financial abuse are just as damaging, if not more so. One survivor explained, “Domestic abuse often doesn’t leave a bruise, but it’s no less insidious, nor less dangerous.” Abuse can take many forms, and it’s crucial to understand that someone can be a victim without visible injuries.
2. It’s Easy to Leave
Many people mistakenly believe that leaving an abusive partner is a simple choice. Survivors know all too well that abusers use tactics like emotional blackmail, isolation, and threats to keep their partners from leaving. One survivor shared, “It’s not just about walking away—abusers weave a web of fear, guilt, and dependency that makes leaving feel like an impossible escape.” Abusers often manipulate victims into believing they can’t survive without them, making it feel impossible to break free.
3. The Abuse Stops After You Leave
Another widespread misconception is that the abuse ends once the victim leaves. Survivors often experience post-separation abuse, where the abuser escalates their efforts to control, whether through financial manipulation, custody battles, or stalking. One survivor reflected on this saying, “The abuse didn’t end after I left—it got worse. He used the children to hurt me.”
4. Only Men Are Abusers
While men make up the majority of abusers, women can also be perpetrators of domestic abuse. One male survivor shared, “When it’s a woman doing it to a man, people often assume he must have done something to deserve it. But abuse is abuse, regardless of gender.” This myth can make it harder for male victims to seek help and be believed.
5. You’ll Recognize Abuse When It Happens
Abuse isn’t always immediate or obvious. Abusers often start subtly, with small controlling behaviors that escalate over time. One survivor noted, “Abusers don’t walk up and assault a person on the first date. It’s subtle and happens over time.” Many victims don’t realize they are being abused until they are deeply entangled in the relationship.
6. Financial Independence Prevents Abuse
Survivors were quick to dispel the notion that financial independence can prevent abuse. Abuse is about power and control, not money. Even financially independent individuals can be trapped in emotionally or psychologically abusive relationships. As one survivor put it, “I was successful in my career, but that didn’t stop him from controlling every other aspect of my life.”
7. Children Are Only Witnesses to Abuse
Children are profoundly impacted by domestic abuse, even if they aren’t the direct targets. This means they are also victims of domestic abuse and not just witnesses of it. One survivor explained, “Abusers use the children to hurt you, and the trauma for them is just as real.” Domestic abuse can cause long-lasting emotional and psychological scars on children, making it vital to challenge the belief that staying together for the children’s sake is the best option.
8. It’s the Victim’s Fault for Staying
Victims of abuse are often unfairly blamed for staying in their relationships. This myth ignores the complex dynamics of manipulation, fear, and coercion that keep victims trapped. One survivor shared, “He convinced me that I was nothing without him, and leaving felt impossible. People don’t realize how deep the control runs.” The abuser’s tactics are often so sophisticated that the victim feels like there’s no escape.
9. You’ll Feel Immediate Relief After Leaving
Leaving an abusive relationship is just the first step in a long and painful recovery process. One survivor explained, “I thought leaving would fix everything, but the emotional and psychological scars stayed with me. It takes time to heal.” Post-separation abuse and trauma can prolong the healing process, making it important to provide ongoing support to survivors.
10. Abusers Are Easy to Spot
Many people assume that abusers are outwardly cruel to everyone around them, but often, they maintain a charming and likable persona in public. This facade makes it difficult for others to see them as an abuser and believe the victim’s experiences. One survivor highlighted this by saying, “People think abusers are scary to everyone, but they’re often charming to the outside world. That’s what makes it so hard to get people to believe you.”
Conclusion
Myths about domestic abuse are not only damaging but also prevent survivors from seeking the help and support they need. These false beliefs perpetuate victim-blaming and can make it more difficult for society to recognize the many forms abuse can take. By listening to survivors and understanding their experiences, we can break down these harmful myths and create a more supportive environment for those affected by abuse.
Featured image: Myths about domestic abuse. Source: Prathankarnpap / Adobe Stock.
With the dramatic increase in internet and smart device capabilities, personal privacy concerns are greater than ever. And more and more, privacy breaches are finding their way into intimate relationships in the form of cyberstalking. Abusive or controlling partners are increasingly turning to technology to help them keep tabs on their partners, in one way or another (or often, in multiple ways). And most of the time, the abused partners are largely unaware of this surveillance, which can lead to a dangerous situation.
“Cyberstalking, particularly when it occurs within intimate relationships, can be insidious, often starting subtly before escalating into something much more harmful,” says Max Williams, CEO and founder of the HeroBot app. Here, we’ll learn about cyberstalking within the confines of a marriage or other romantic relationship.
What is Cyberstalking?
At its most basic level, cyberstalking refers to the use of technology to monitor, harass or even frighten someone. Cyberstalking is considered a form of abuse, and like all forms of abuse, it exists on a continuum from relatively harmless to severe and dangerous. According to Williams, cyberstalking can be as minor as frequently viewing someone’s social media accounts to keep tabs on their activities, but it can escalate to more intrusive behaviors.
Some abusers will engage in stalking behaviors like accessing and reading one’s emails or texts without their knowledge, monitoring phone logs, using spyware, hacking into personal accounts, or repeatedly sending threatening or harassing messages.” At its most extreme, Williams says, “cyberstalking can involve doxxing (publishing personal information online), impersonation, or relentless digital harassment.”
Often, an abuser will cyberstalk their partner because they feel a sense of jealousy or possessiveness over them. The abuser might want to ensure their partner isn’t seeking support from others, or soliciting a relationship from someone else. They may fear their partner has contacted a shelter, a therapist or perhaps even a lawyer in an attempt to leave the relationship. Of course, learning this information without their partner’s knowledge gives the abuser an upper hand in arguments, and leads to deep feelings of anxiety and uncertainty in victims.
My Experience With Cyberstalking
At one point in my controlling relationship, our family moved to a different town, and I began to explore activities outside our home and make friends in our new community. My husband was clearly uncomfortable with this, and soon began to suspect I was cheating.
Our marriage quickly deteriorated as he became more controlling than usual. I began to notice that my husband would mention things during arguments that he should have no way of knowing. He would often make reference to a particular event or situation, or use a certain phrase that gave me an eerie sense that he somehow had knowledge he shouldn’t have.
One day, I consulted with a lawyer about potentially separating. Even though I carefully covered my tracks, my husband confronted me about it the very next day, and even knew the lawyer’s full name. I was shocked. At that point, I knew I was being surveilled. The sense of violation and lack of security this brought about is hard to describe: it leaves you with a feeling that you have nowhere to turn. No safe avenue to go to when you need support or help to leave your relationship. And this is a hallmark of coercive controlling relationships. In my case, it turns out that my husband had added his fingerprint to my computer when he set it up for me, which allowed him unlimited access to my email any time he wanted it.
Examples of Cyberstalking in an Intimate Relationship
The examples you’ll find listed below are common methods of cyberstalking within a relationship. If you think you’re being stalked, either online or physically, it’s a good idea to contact law enforcement to have them help you determine the next best steps to take.
Checking or monitoring emails on a partner’s personal email account
Installing a keystroke logger on a partner’s computer to determine what they’re doing/researching, or who they’re talking to
Creating a fake social media profile in order to follow a partner’s social media activities
Installing security cameras anywhere inside or outside the shared home without a partner’s knowledge
Downloading tracking and/or monitoring apps onto a partner’s phone
Using Shared Cloud to store/access/review data from a partner’s phone, without their knowledge or consent
The Effects of Cyberstalking on Victims
Having first-hand experience with cyberstalking in an intimate relationship, I can attest to its devastating effects on one’s sense of safety and security. According to Williams, “cyberstalking creates an environment of fear and anxiety, where the victim feels constantly watched and powerless.” What’s worse, if there’s an imbalance in the level of technical knowledge between the stalker and the victim, it can lead to incredible feelings of frustration for the victim, who ends up feeling like their partner is always “one step ahead” of them.
Often, victims of cyberstalking experience a range of emotional and psychological issues, says Williams, including severe anxiety, depression, PTSD, and a pervasive sense of isolation. “The victim may start to question their reality, feel trapped in the relationship, and experience a significant loss of autonomy.”
The Link Between Cyberstalking and Intimate Partner Violence
What’s more, recent research indicates that cyberstalking is much more than simply an annoying and invasive act. There is growing research that links cyberstalking to intimate partner violence (IPV). According to the Stalking Prevention, Awareness and Resource Center, abusive partners who stalk are more likely (than abusive partners who do not stalk) to…use a weapon to attack, sexually assault, and/or physically injure their victims.
Cyberstalking is often an extension of traditional forms of abuse, providing the abuser with another avenue to exert control and dominance over their partner. “The digital nature of cyberstalking allows the abuser to maintain control even when physically separated from the victim, making it a particularly dangerous aspect of intimate partner violence,” says Williams.
Help for Victims of Cyberstalking In An Intimate Relationship
If you’ve been a victim of cyberstalking by your own partner, or you’re currently in this type of situation, it’s important to understand that there are some steps you can take to help regain your privacy. But before you take any of the actions listed below, remember to always take measures to ensure your own safety and confidentiality.
Check the Find My app on your iPhone. This app can be used to track your phone’s location unbeknownst to you. It can also track airpods, an Apple Watch, Airtags and other devices.
Have your phone checked by a cybersecurity expert, if you think it’s been compromised. “Signs that someone might be accessing your phone include unusual battery drain, your phone operating slower than usual, or data usage spikes that you can’t explain,” Williams says.
Stop sharing location unless it’s necessary. Note that your partner will know when you stop, so be prepared to have a discussion about it.
Have your vehicle swept. Take your vehicle to a dealership or auto shop to have them sweep it for GPS trackers. A repair shop that installs car alarms and/or stereo systems seems to be the best bet here. Failing that, you can contact your local police department to see if they’d be willing to sweep your vehicle for you.
Purchase a hidden camera detector. This can help you identify any hidden cameras in your home or car.
Change your passwords frequently for things like your phone, laptop and security system.
Have your laptop scanned. Take your personal laptop to Best Buy or a similar computer repair shop to have it scanned. Some stores or businesses are willing to run diagnostic software on your computer that can detect whether someone has remote access, or if any tracking software has been installed on your computer. “If you notice that files have been modified or accessed without your knowledge, or if your system is running slower than usual, it could be a sign of remote access,” says Williams.
At its most basic level, cyberstalking breaks the bond of trust that needs to exist between two people in an intimate relationship. But it also represents a red flag for possible escalation to physical violence, or more harmful forms of stalking and/or endangerment. If you suspect your partner is using technology to stalk you, consult this article for steps you can take to protect yourself and your devices. And if you can safely do so, it might be a good idea to document any hard evidence with your local police station, a lawyer or another trusted confidant.
Featured image: Coercive control and cyberstalking. Source: F8 \ Suport Ukraine / Adobe Stock.
Private investigators are increasingly being used by domestic abuse perpetrators to stalk and control their victims, sometimes with devastating consequences. In Australia, most states do not require private investigators to check clients for domestic violence orders or ensure that their services aren’t being misused.
This lack of regulation enables abusers to hire investigators under false pretenses, as seen in the horrific case of John Edwards. The Guardian reports that Edwards hired a private investigator to track his estranged wife, Olga, before murdering their two children, Jack and Jennifer. Tragically, Olga committed suicide 5 months after the deaths of her children.
John Edwards had a long history of domestic violence, and during his relationship with Olga, he became increasingly abusive. He hired a private investigator in 2016 to track her movements, and the following year, he killed their two children before taking his own life. This tragic case highlights the urgent need for regulation in the private investigator industry, especially in cases where domestic violence orders exist.
How Private Investigators Facilitate Coercive Control
Abusers frequently use private investigators as part of their broader pattern of coercive control. Investigators are hired to track down their victims, gather information, or even harass them indirectly. In the Edwards case, it emerged that Edwards had a history of using private investigators, not only with Olga but also to track down his estranged daughter from a previous relationship.
This highlights a chilling pattern: abusers use the tools of surveillance and private investigation to further exert control over their victims. This is especially dangerous in situations where restraining orders or other protective measures are in place, as private investigators may unknowingly help abusers find and terrorize their victims. Despite this, there are few checks in place to ensure that private investigators are not being used for malicious purposes.
Calls for Regulatory Reform
Currently, there is little oversight in the private investigation industry in Australia. In New South Wales (NSW), there are over 1,700 licensed private investigators, but there is no requirement for them to screen clients or investigate whether a domestic violence order is in place. This regulatory gap leaves victims vulnerable, as their abusers can use private investigators to track them down despite legal protections.
Experts argue that the private investigation industry needs stronger regulations. For example, some professionals in the field suggest that all investigators should have access to databases that allow them to check for restraining orders before accepting a client. Danny Mikati, a former NSW police officer and private investigator, has said that while his firm checks for apprehended violence orders (AVOs), this information should be accessible to all licensed investigators.
Private Investigators and the Wider Domestic Violence Problem
Domestic violence experts warn that private investigators are not the only tool abusers use to maintain control. Increasingly, abusers are turning to technology-facilitated methods such as phone tracking, spyware, and online surveillance. This allows abusers to monitor their victims in real-time, often without their knowledge. Bridget Harris from the Monash Gender and Family Violence Prevention Centre notes that many perpetrators of family violence use these techniques because they are cheaper and easier to access than hiring a private investigator.
While some investigators offer services to help survivors assess their safety and escape abusive situations, others are more concerned with profit than ethics. This leads to a dangerous environment where abusers can access surveillance tools and private investigation services with minimal oversight, putting their victims at risk.
The Need for Change
The tragic deaths of Jack and Jennifer Edwards at the hands of their father shows how dangerous it is to leave the private investigation industry unchecked. As private investigators are increasingly being used as tools of coercive control and emotional abuse, it is essential that governments introduce regulations to prevent abusers from exploiting these services. Without proper oversight, private investigators can become unwitting participants in domestic violence cases, further endangering victims.
Featured image: Private investigators and domestic abuse. Source: Василь Івасюк / Adobe Stock.
It is that spark of vulnerability, that something that allows for the connection to happen, the meeting of the emotional stars. It may seem so satisfying and curious at first but it is more than anything you may have had before and maybe in some ways it is better. The intensity of it, the rush, the speed, the love-talk, the love act, doesn’t it all happen so fast?
Within the speed is the dangerous whirl, that spinning vortex that before you can climb out of it you have begun to be sucked into it. It happens when you are so caught in the moment of the thrill and the chase that you do not see that the vortex is turning and you are yourself turning and turning. But what was it that drew you in? That spot, that place of vulnerability, that area in the heart that likes being flattered and charmed and made to feel that beautiful and important or valuable.
And before the vortex is done swirling you and around and whirling you into a powder, other things are entering in. The intensity of the vortex begins to have dark chakras, the energy goes sideways, the shock value begins to shock. Am I different now that he is in my life? Did I do something wrong here? Is he just in a bad mood? Why do I get this feeling of foreboding? Why does this weird sense of fear come upon me? Of course, it is just that this is so new and real and intense and wonderful, but why do I feel afraid somehow and why does part of me want to get away?
That vortex entraps because of the speed at which it develops and the less powerful nature of the object that gets caught within the whirl and swirl. The speed is a device, and it can be a tool in the arsenal of the dominator seeking prey to dominate. Beware, oh deer in the headlights, for those pretty lights aiming into your eyes is the vortex coming to suck you in as you stare back unawares!
The Cycle of Abuse
And so it starts this way. Within that whirl and swirl is some kind of pain, some kind of shock. You feel the nausea combined with dread. Maybe I can’t go on these kinds of rides, maybe I am not cut out for them, maybe I should try something else, or sit this out a while. For a moment it slows and the nice energy returns and the nice strokes and pats return and the daisies in the field are under your feet again and the blues and whites of the princess and her long hair are dancing before your vision eyes again. Perhaps I will get used to the speed of it, after all I just need some practice, perhaps maybe I caused the vortex to swing so hard around. I will go into the purple colors and swirl again. Purple is the color of rich blood vessels when they are broken, but so pretty a color it is indeed, is it not?
The vortex is a wheel, not the up and around of a Ferris wheel, but a sucking circling kind of wheel that spins and ignites from the energy that is in it, and that energy is you. Without you, the vortex would seek another energy, and with you, it becomes more alive and it swirls faster, and you feel the swirl and it is fast and exciting and a bit nauseating and a bit scary. In some ways it is better than the damp green grass of ordinary and fields of buttercups and daisies. And then the vortex shocks you once more, a little more of your energy is taken from you, you feel the depletion and yet you seem to stay. But then should I get off? Can I get out? But by the time you think again about it, the vortex has begun to embed itself into your legs and body, and you are embedded into it as well, those colors of purple and yellow and red, fire and bruised blood! And as you try to rid yourself of this vortex ride, behold! the sweet “sorries” come again, you hear the melodious strains of remorse, which sound as real as all the lute songs and trumpets in fairy land. What is outside this spinning anyway? Maybe I can get adjusted to this, after all, being sorry is so nice, since it keeps the spinning going round and around!
But mark me, the purples will come again against the fiery reds and yellows, the colors of anger and heat and the conversion of your energy into the vortex, and those purples will even crack open to show the red from which they are truly made. Again and again and again and again and again.
