Therapy is often seen as a space for growth and restoration. Yet when misused by someone abusive, it can become a subtle yet insidious means of domination. More survivors and professionals are now highlighting how abusers distort therapy language—not to reflect or evolve, but to manipulate, deflect accountability, and rationalise mistreatment. Terms like “boundaries,” “triggered,” and “mental health” are strategically redefined to maintain power. This reworking of psychological vocabulary doesn’t just bewilder survivors; it can sway therapists, peers, and even courts—almost always in favour of the abuser.
Distorting Therapeutic Language to Excuse Harm
The expression “weaponised therapy-speak” has emerged to describe how abusers hijack psychological terms to justify coercive behaviours. Rather than honouring the true meanings of words like boundaries, self-care, or gaslighting, abusers manipulate them to impose rules and exercise control. They may declare, “I’m setting boundaries,” while dictating a partner’s attire, social life, or independence.
As highlighted by Options Domestic Violence Services, “The abuser tries to rationalize and normalize their abusive behavior by using language used in therapy… under the guise of prioritizing their mental health, when in reality all they are doing is validating their selfish actions.”
This appropriation of psychological terms transforms resources for recovery into tools of domination. Phrases like “triggered responses,” “attachment styles,” or “needing to feel safe” are used to mask demands and frame them as legitimate needs. The outcome is emotional confusion, leaving victims unsure whether they’re reacting fairly or simply being emotionally immature.
According to psychologist Dr. Perpetua Neo, abusers can “wield therapy speak in order to bolster [their] own stance… or worse still, use it to manipulate and hurt someone.” This often causes the partner to internalise blame: “Maybe I am the one in the wrong—he sounds so self-aware, and I’m the one who’s angry.”
Public Case Study: Jonah Hill and Sarah Brady
A widely discussed example of therapy language abuse surfaced in July 2023, when professional surfer Sarah Brady released text exchanges from actor Jonah Hill, accusing him of emotional abuse. Hill repeatedly used the concept of “boundaries” to mask controlling behaviour regarding Brady’s friendships, modelling work, and social media presence.
In one message, he wrote: “If you need: Surfing with men, boundaryless inappropriate friendships with men, to model, to post pictures of yourself in a bathing suit, to post sexual pictures, friendships with women who are in unstable places and from your wild recent past… I am not the right partner for you… These are my boundaries for romantic partnership.”
Brady later clarified, “This is a misuse of the term ‘boundaries’.” Experts agreed that therapeutic terms had been strategically co-opted to legitimise control.
In another text, Hill—who produced a documentary about his therapy journey—stated: “You don’t seem to get it. But it’s not my place to teach you. I’ve made my boundaries clear.” While cloaked in therapeutic phrasing, the message imposes power dynamics and moral superiority.
How Therapy Can Be Misused to Strengthen Abuse
Sometimes, abusers attend therapy not to address their behaviour but to refine their control. In his landmark book Why Does He Do That?, domestic abuse specialist Lundy Bancroft notes that therapy can reinforce destructive patterns: “Abusiveness is not a product of a man’s emotional injuries or deficits in his skills… abuse is a problem of values, not of psychology.”
He adds, “An abuser tries to keep everybody—his partner, his therapist, his friends and relatives—focused on how he feels, so that they won’t focus on how he thinks.”
Some abusers mimic self-awareness in therapy sessions. As one survivor explained on Reddit: “Abusers use therapy to learn how to be better abusers… They may even become educated about clinical terms and concepts that they will hurl on you like some kind of psychological expert.”
They may appear engaged during therapy but continue the same abuse in private. Even worse, they might leave sessions with new psychological labels to turn on their partner. Accusations like “You have borderline personality disorder” are used to pathologise normal reactions and shift responsibility.
As Lundy Bancroft articulates in one YouTube interview, “If you send an abuser to therapy, and you find a particularly good therapist, and the therapy goes particularly well, he’ll be a happy abuser when he’s done.”
Couples Therapy as a Site of Triangulation
Couples therapy assumes mutual responsibility for conflict. But this premise becomes harmful in abusive dynamics, where the issue lies not in communication styles but in one-sided control.
Bancroft warns that during couples therapy, abusers can draw therapists into a triangulated alliance, effectively turning the professional into an unwitting enabler. The victim may feel overwhelmed or outnumbered: “Even the therapist thinks you have issues, see? You’re pushing my buttons.”
By leaning into their personal trauma or claiming to be “triggered,” the abuser redirects focus from their abusive behaviour to their emotional wounds, garnering sympathy and deflecting scrutiny.
DARVO: When the Abuser Becomes the ‘Victim’
Another common psychological ploy is DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. Coined by psychologist Jennifer Freyd, this dynamic allows abusers to dismiss their wrongdoing, discredit their partner, and cast themselves as the one being mistreated.
For instance, an abuser may say, “She yells at me, she’s emotionally unstable,” conveniently omitting their own coercive patterns. They often label their partner as toxic or volatile, strengthened by therapy-speak that makes their accusations appear legitimate.
As noted by SOS Violence Conjugale, “The abuser will use many of the consequences of the violence that they themselves have created in the victim to discredit them and make them appear aggressive, unstable and violent: their legitimate anger, their defensive behaviours (particularly reactive violence) and many manifestations of post-traumatic stress.”
This tactic isn’t limited to personal relationships. It’s often extended into legal systems, where abusers may frame their former partners as alienating, emotionally unwell, or abusive—especially if the survivor has spoken publicly. It becomes abuse by proxy, targeting credibility.
Using Trauma Language to Evade Responsibility
The emergence of trauma-informed language relating to PTSD, attachment wounds, and early-life adversity, has offered valuable frameworks for survivors. Yet, abusers may exploit this terminology for cover.
Phrases like “You know I have abandonment issues,” or “That’s triggering my trauma response,” are sometimes wielded to justify controlling actions. While past trauma can explain emotional patterns, it does not justify harming others. Decades of domestic violence research confirms that abuse is not impulsive or unconscious—it’s a calculated assertion of power.
Many people live with trauma and never choose to harm others. When suffering is used to excuse or mask abuse, it becomes a tool for denial rather than transformation.
Restoring Clarity for Survivors
For survivors, therapy language abuse can create deep disorientation. When someone uses therapeutic phrases—discussing boundaries, safety, or trauma—they can seem enlightened, even admirable. This makes it more difficult to recognise controlling behaviour for what it is.
The result is often crippling self-doubt and misplaced shame.
But this is still abuse. It is just dressed in sophisticated vocabulary.
You’re not imagining it. Words can mislead, but behaviour reveals the truth. True healing isn’t delivered through self-diagnosis or polished language. It’s shown in consistent actions, relinquishing control, repairing harm, and choosing accountability, steps many abusers refuse to take.
A genuinely healed and loving person will never need to make you feel smaller—no matter how fluent they are in psychology.
Featured image: Abusers use the language of therapy to further their abuse and control. Source: gstockstudio / Adobe Stock.
References
Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Penguin Publishing Group.
Available at: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
Freyd, J. (n.d.). Define DARVO. University of Oregon – Dynamic Lab.
Available at: https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineDARVO.html
Neo, P. (2023). ‘Therapy Speak’: Is It Healthy Or Is It Being Weaponized? mindbodygreen.
Available at: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/therapy-speak-is-it-healthy-or-is-it-being-weaponized
Options Domestic Violence Services (2023). Using ‘Therapy Language’ to Abuse.
Available at: https://www.optionsdv.org/post/weaponizing-therapy-speak
SOS Violence Conjugale (2023). Psychological Violence: The Unseen Scars.
Available at: https://sosviolenceconjugale.ca/en/resources/psychological-violence
