Coercive control is not limited to the home. It follows the victim wherever they go. It shows up in ordinary routines, including something as common as getting behind the wheel. Countless survivors say their worst moments of terror happened on the road, trapped beside someone who knew they held total physical power.
Reckless driving in abusive relationships is not a momentary lapse. It is a strategy. It is a chosen form of authority. It is a method designed to frighten, silence, and overpower. When an abuser is driving and you’re next to them, they hold all the control. You cannot step away. You cannot reduce the speed. You cannot protect yourself or your children. Your safety becomes entirely dependent on someone who is using fear as a weapon.
The survivor accounts below reveal how purposeful, widespread, and traumatising this form of coercion truly is.
Behind the Wheel: A Tool for Anger and Power
Many survivors explain that their partner would wait until they were alone in the car to release their anger. The vehicle became the one place where the abuser felt completely free to explode, knowing their partner had no ability to get away.
Victims repeatedly describe terrifying behaviour behind the wheel. Some were hit, threatened, or screamed at while trapped in the passenger seat. Others faced high speed, sudden braking, weaving between lanes, blasting through red lights, or even intentionally veering toward other cars. Many were threatened with crashes or feared being forced out while the car was still moving.
One woman recalled holding onto the door handle as he accelerated wildly. “When he would drive erratic and terrify me, I would grip the handle of the car. That infuriated him. He would say, What, are you scared? You think this is scary? I can show you what scary is.” He then drove the wrong way down a one way street and blamed her for reacting to his actions.
Others said he used the vehicle as a direct threat to their lives. One survivor remembered him “drive at trees and slam on the brakes.” Another said he drove “so erratically that everything on the dash flew up and hit the top of the passenger windows.”
While it may look like a loss of control, many later recognised that it was a calculated display the entire time.
Trapped in a Moving Prison
One of the reasons driving is so effective as a threat is the complete lack of escape. The car becomes a cage on wheels, heightening fear because the danger cannot be avoided or stopped. It functions as captivity in motion.
Dr Judith Herman, in her landmark book Trauma and Recovery, writes that domestic abuse mirrors hostage situations because the abuser takes over the victim’s environment, decision making, and physical liberty. Confinement, unpredictability, and rising risk during a car journey place the brain and body in the same survival state as anyone being held against their will.
One survivor explained that he understood this perfectly. “There was no way to escape; he knew that was how he could maintain control.” Another put it simply. “They turn their vehicles into torture chambers.” The car became the place where the abuser could amplify terror without interruption and without witnesses.
Some images never fade from memory. One victim said, “One of my last memories of being trapped was him driving erratically with my kids and me in the car while screaming like a psycho.” Others recalled being locked inside for hours, unable to intervene or leave. “He locked the doors and drove around for three hours screaming abuse at me.”
For some, the fear eventually overwhelmed their ability to react. One woman remembered reaching a moment of complete resignation. “This was so normal after a while. I was like, Fine, lets die then.” That single sentence shows the profound psychological damage that comes from being confined in a car with someone who treats your terror as entertainment.
Abandonment as Punishment
Some abusers use the vehicle to create fear in a different way. They threaten to leave the victim stranded if they do not comply. These are not empty warnings. Many survivors say their partner actually followed through in order to demonstrate how easily he could remove comfort, security, and any means of getting home.
One woman remembered this happening even while she was injured. “During a fight I tore the ligament in my knee; on the way to my MRI he repeatedly threatened to leave me there and said I could find my own way home.” Even when she needed help, his goal was to deepen her helplessness.
Others described being physically forced from the vehicle. “Another time he reached across me to open the car door and tried to push me out. When I got out, he took off and left me stranded.”
Some said the threat involved isolated and dangerous locations. “He said unless I did as he said, he’d leave me in a remote location in the middle of winter with no coat and I’d have to find my own way home.” The victim understands that disobeying may lead to being stranded, and the risk of harm becomes too high. This is exactly the fear he intends to create.
Abandonment is not simply dropping someone off. It is a demonstration that safety is conditional, and the abuser decides when and if it exists.
Children Forced to Witness the Terror
Survivors often share that the worst part of these incidents was not the fear for themselves but for their children. Abusers frequently intensify the danger when kids are present because they know it heightens the victim’s panic.
For some survivors, this became the breaking point. One woman said, “The reason I left my ex was because he started swerving on an icy road with me and our newborn daughter in the car, saying he would kill all three of us.”
Others described chaos unfolding right in front of young eyes. “Yelling, shouting, throwing things at me, calling me names while our young children were in the back, terrified.”
Attempts to seek help sometimes only increased the danger. One survivor said, “My ex did this while our baby was in the back seat. If I attempted to call the cops or say anything, he drove faster and more recklessly.” He was not just endangering her but using their child to reinforce fear and prevent her from reaching out for help.
Children who live through these moments carry the imprint of fear. And the parent beside them experiences twice the terror, knowing they cannot shield their child from harm.
Driving While Under Attack
Even when the victim is behind the wheel, the abuser finds ways to terrorise.
One woman described trying to focus on the road. “Screaming and shouting while you are trying to remain calm and drive, being threatened and having a bottle thrown all over you while trying to drive on the motorway.”
Another said he turned the door into a weapon. “Opening the car door at traffic lights while I was driving and shouting because I would not go to a shop.”
Others described them deliberately creating dangerous moments. “Threatening to pull on the handbrake from the passenger seat when you are driving on the motorway.” “Opening the door on a fast road and pretending to jump out.” The risk in those seconds is overwhelming. Another victim recalled “messing with the handbrake while you are driving, pouring beer over you and punching you.”
These experiences force the victim to manage the road, the car, and their partner’s violence at the same time. It is intentionally designed to overload them.
Control Disguised as Chaos
Abusers often insist that they simply lost control while driving. Yet over time, survivors realise the opposite is true. Nothing is accidental. Every movement is purposeful.
One woman explained, “That was his special trick. To lose his temper because I had pushed him to it, hands writhing on the wheel, the car speeding up, him biting his lip. He appeared barely in control, but now I know he was totally in control and wanted me to believe I was responsible for everything.”
Another recalled the look on his face. “I knew he was doing it to have control because he was smiling and smirking as he performed reckless manoeuvres all over the road. He was looking at me to see my reaction.”
These reflections make the truth impossible to ignore. This behaviour is not a mistake. It is a deliberate display of domination and threat.
Long Term Damage That Changes Lives
For many survivors, the trauma remains in the body long after the abuse ends.
One woman said, “I am a nervous passenger and do not drive; this has definitely affected me.”
Another described deep and lasting fear. “To this day I cannot get in a car with anyone else except the tow truck driver.”
Others said they can no longer drive at all. “I haven’t been able to get back behind the wheel since I left him. Whenever I tried, I would just start shaking and panic.”
Vehicle based abuse leaves long shadows. The car becomes a symbol of danger. The body reacts even when the threat is gone.
What This Reveals About Power and Control
When an abuser speeds, swerves, locks the doors, or leaves someone behind, they are sending one message. They decide whether the victim survives the journey.
This is not a loss of control. It is absolute control.
Dangerous driving fits directly into the broader system of coercive control. It creates fear, dependency, and helplessness. Every reckless turn reinforces the same rule. Safety only exists when the abuser chooses to allow it.
No person deserves to have that much power over another. Recognising this is often the first step toward reclaiming safety, autonomy, and freedom.
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
