Navigating a relationship filled with both declarations of love and actions of control or abuse is a bewildering and heart-wrenching experience. Those ensnared in such dynamics often confront a deeply troubling question: Does my partner really love me? This question touches the heart of many abusive relationships, especially those characterized by coercive control. Coercive control is a pattern of behavior that seeks to dominate the victim’s life through intimidation, degradation, isolation, and control.
Coercive control represents a strategic form of ongoing psychological and emotional abuse aimed at entrenching dominance. Experts like Evan Stark, who coined the term “coercive control,” argue that such behavior is about power and domination. This is far removed from any notion of love. Stark emphasizes that coercive control creates a complex web of entrapment that can, at times, be more debilitating to the victim than physical harm.
Why Do Abusers Abuse?
The motivations behind abuse are complex and multifaceted. Often, abusers have a need for power and control that stems from their own insecurities, past traumas, learned behaviors, or pathologies. Psychological studies suggest that some abusers may equate love with control. They, in fact, believe that their controlling behaviors are expressions of love. However, this belief system is fundamentally flawed and damaging.
Can Someone Love You and Abuse You?
Psychologists explain that while many abusers may think or believe that they love their partners, their understanding of love is completely distorted. Dr. Lisa Aronson Fontes, a senior lecturer at the University of Massachusetts Amherst and author of ‘Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship,’ notes that abusers often see their possessive and controlling behaviors as expressions of deep connection and love. For instance, they may say that they won’t let their partner out of their sight because they love them and want to protect them. They mistakenly believe that their actions are justified because of the intensity of their feelings toward their partner. This belief system, Fontes points out, blinds abusers to the destructive impact of their behavior.
Dr. Judith Herman, a psychiatrist and professor at Harvard Medical School and author of ‘Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror’, suggests that the dynamics of abusive relationships often mimic those of captor and captive, where the abuser’s proclamation of love serves to confuse and bind the victim to the relationship. The manipulation creates a complex web of emotional entanglement. This makes it difficult for victims to recognize that the abuse they are experiencing is absolutely incompatible with the claims of love being made by their abusers.
Dr. Herman maintains that genuine love means respecting the humanity of the other person, wanting what is best for them, and supporting their self-esteem and independence. This conception of love stands in direct opposition to the control, fear, and diminishment inflicted by abusers. Herman’s work emphasizes that true affection and care cannot coexist with abuse, as genuine love nurtures growth and autonomy rather than seeking to erode it.
How Do Abusers View Love?
Lundy Bancroft, in his seminal book ‘Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men,’ suggests that while abusers may experience intense feelings they identify as love, such emotions are far removed from the essence of true affection and care.
The abusive partner’s notion of love is intertwined with a desire to control, possess, and demand complete attention from their partner, misconstruing possessiveness for genuine connection. This misunderstanding leads to the absurd justification of abuse as an act of love. Through his extensive experience counseling abusers, Bancroft shares alarming statements that have been shared with him by perpetrators, revealing their twisted perception of love, such as:
“I told her she’d better not ever try to leave me. You have no idea how much I love this girl!” and,
“The reason I abuse her is because I have such strong feelings for her. You hurt the ones you love the most.”
Bancroft emphasizes that real love is characterized by respect for the other’s humanity, encouragement of their independence, and a desire for their overall well-being. These principles are inherently incompatible with the dynamics of abuse. Genuine love, he explains, cannot coexist with the desire to control and dominate another person. Instead, what abusers regard as love is often a blend of possessive desires—for unwavering devotion, exclusive sexual access, and the admiration of others.
Misconstrued Love
While abusers may believe they love their victims, the reality is that their actions speak louder than words. Love cannot coexist with fear, control, and subjugation. The assertion of love in the context of abuse is often a manipulation tactic used to keep the victim tethered to the relationship, making it harder for them to leave.
For anyone living through this, know that true love respects your autonomy, nurtures your growth, and feels safe. If you find yourself questioning the love in your relationship because of abusive behaviors, it might be time to seek support from professionals or organizations dedicated to helping victims of domestic abuse. Recognizing the difference between possessive desires and genuine love is an important step for breaking free from the cycle of abuse and moving towards a future defined by healthy, supportive relationships.
References:
Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. New York: Berkley Books.
Fontes, L. A. (2015). Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship. New York: Guilford Press.
Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. New York: Basic Books.
Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. New York: Oxford University Press.
Featured image: Does an Abuser Love You? Image: JUrban / Public domain.
