Research indicates that suicide threats are frequently employed as a method of coercive control in abusive relationships. This tactic, used to manipulate victims, presents a significant challenge for police. They must balance the mental health needs of the perpetrator with the safety of the victim.
A study by the Australian Institute of Criminology indicates that 39% of women who experience coercive control are subjected to threats of self-harm by their abusers, highlighting the prevalence of this form of manipulation.
Coercive control is a sustained pattern of behavior aimed at dominating and subjugating another individual through psychological and emotional abuse. Evan Stark, who introduced the term, emphasized that coercive control creates an intricate web of entrapment, often more debilitating than physical violence. Stark’s work underscores that this behavior is fundamentally about power and domination, concepts fundamentally at odds with genuine love and care.
Using Suicide Threats for Control
The Domestic Violence Hotline explains that abusers frequently use suicide threats as a powerful tool to control their partners. By threatening self-harm, they aim to prevent their partner from leaving the relationship or to coerce them into returning if they have already left. This tactic plays on the victim’s feelings of love and fear, manipulating their emotions to ensure compliance. The abuser’s threats of suicide can create an overwhelming sense of guilt and responsibility in their partner. It leads them to feel obligated to stay and support their abusive partner. This manipulation not only traps the victim in a cycle of abuse but also reinforces the abuser’s control in the relationship.
Challenges for Law Enforcement
According to Jessica Woolley, PhD candidate in Criminology at Deakin University, the intersection of mental health and domestic abuse is a complex issue for police. It requires a careful balance between addressing suicidal threats and protecting victims.
In Victoria, Australia, police have two primary legislative avenues: mental health laws and family violence legislation. Under mental health laws, individuals can be placed under hospital care to prevent self-harm. Family violence legislation allows police to issue safety notices, imposing conditions to protect the victim.
Victoria lacks formal protocols guiding police on handling family violence incidents involving suicide threats. Consequently, officers rely on personal experience and judgment. In contrast, Queensland offers a framework for managing such situations, focusing on immediate risk management and referral pathways.
Suicide Threats and Their Unintended Consequences
In cases where there are threats of suicide, police officers often prioritize addressing the perpetrator’s mental health, leading to hospital assessments. However, when perpetrators are hospitalized, police cannot issue family violence safety notices. Notifications from hospitals about a perpetrator’s release are inconsistent, leaving gaps in protection and accountability.
This situation places victims at increased risk, as abusers may return to the community without restrictions, continuing their abusive behavior. Some officers reported instances where perpetrators were released without any protective orders, underscoring the potential danger to victims.
Balancing Risks and Improving Response
Certain police stations are revising their approaches to address these challenges. One suggestion is to issue family violence safety notices before hospitalizing a perpetrator. Enhancing police training to balance the mental health needs of perpetrators with the safety of victims is crucial. However, police efforts alone cannot bridge the service gap.
Improved communication and collaboration between hospitals and police are essential to ensure timely issuance of safety notices. Regardless of whether suicidal threats stem from genuine mental health issues or are used as manipulative tactics, police must identify when it is being used in the context of domestic abuse.
Moving Forward
Addressing the intersection of domestic abuse and mental health requires continued research and learning. Protecting victims and holding perpetrators accountable demands a multifaceted approach, involving legal, health, and community support systems working in unison.
By enhancing our comprehension of coercive control and its manifestations, including suicide threats, we can better support those affected.
Featured image: Suicide threats can be a form of manipulation. Source: Rawpixel.com / Adobe Stock.
Post-separation abuse is a form of coercive control that continues after a relationship has ended. Abusers use various tactics to maintain power over you, causing significant emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical harm. Understanding these tactics can help you recognize the signs and seek help.
1. Threats
Threats are a common tactic used by abusers to instill fear and maintain control. These can include threats to harm you, your pets, or your possessions. Abusers may also threaten to destroy your reputation by sharing private information about you. Or, they may say that they will destroy you financially. In some cases, threats extend to harming themselves, such as threatening suicide, to manipulate you emotionally. Abusive individuals will frequently act on their threats so victims need to take everything they say very seriously.
2. Smear Campaign
Abusers often start smear campaigns, spreading false and disparaging information about you to friends, family, colleagues, or online communities. This tactic aims to isolate you by turning your support network against you. It is also their way to get revenge and to reestablish power and dominance over you. The spread of rumors and lies can cause significant emotional distress and damage your reputation, making it harder for you to seek support.
3. Stalking and Harassment
Stalking and harassmentare serious forms of post-separation abuse. This can include excessive calls, emails, or texts, putting tracking devices on your vehicle, or showing up uninvited at your social or work events. Some abusers go as far as hiring private investigators or monitoring your social media accounts to keep tabs on you. These actions create a constant sense of fear and intrusion in your life. In addition, stalking and harassing behaviors are a warning sign of escalation and should always be taken seriously.
4. Financial Abuse
Financial abuse post-separation can be devastating. Abusers may block your access to joint bank accounts, credit cards, or refuse to pay child support. Some manipulate the system by working cash-in-hand jobs to minimize child support payments. Refusing to pay bills or sabotaging your employment opportunities are other common tactics. This financial control can leave you struggling to meet basic needs.
5. Legal Abuse
Abusers often use the legal system to harass and control you. This can involve filing frivolous lawsuits, drawing out court proceedings, or using custody battles to drain your resources and energy. Legal abuse can be a prolonged and costly tactic, often leading to significant financial and emotional stress for you. It is not uncommon for abusers to inflict legal abuse over many years post-separation.
6. Portraying You as Mentally Unstable
Abusers will often try to portray their former partners as mentally unstable. This is a way for them to gain control over you or win custody battles. It also enables them to feel better about the fact that you have left them. Toxic individuals will use gaslighting techniques to create a false narrative, making you doubt your own sanity. This manipulation can lead to you losing parenting time or being viewed negatively by others, including the courts. In extreme cases, abusers have gone as far as having their partner involuntarily admitted to psychiatric facilities under false pretenses.
7. False Accusations
False accusations are another common tactic. Abusers might, for example, file false reports of child abuse or neglect. If you have withheld your childre from your abuser because you think they are in danger of being harmed, the abuser may accuse you of parental alienation. These allegations can result in legal battles and investigations, further traumatizing you and potentially affecting your relationship with your children.
8. Abusive Parenting
Abusive parenting by a former partner can take many insidious forms, all aimed at undermining your relationship with your children. One common tactic is counter-parenting, where the abuser deliberately disrupts the child’s routine and schedule that you have set. This can include allowing the child to stay up late, neglecting homework, or letting them skip important activities.
The abuser might also spoil the child with gifts or permissive behavior to win their favor, creating a divide between you and your child. This type of manipulation can lead to the child becoming confused about boundaries and expectations, which further strains your relationship with them.
Another form of abusive parenting involves undermining your authority and rules. The abuser might tell the children that your rules are unnecessary or unfair, encouraging them to rebel against you. They might also engage in verbal or emotional abuse, such as making derogatory remarks about you in front of the children, or questioning your parenting decisions to them directly.
In extreme cases, the abuser might engage in physical or sexual abuse, putting the children at serious risk of harm. This abusive behavior not only damages the child’s well-being but also deepens the emotional trauma for you as a parent.
9. Manipulative Behavior and Emotional Abuse
Manipulative behavior and emotional abuse frequently continue post-separation. Abusers may use guilt, gaslighting, or emotional blackmail to maintain control. They might make you feel guilty for leaving, shift the blame for the abuse onto you, and use emotional manipulation to keep you entangled in their web of control. An abuser may also use emotional abuse to try to make you return to the relationship.
10. Violence
Violence is the most extreme form of post-separation abuse. Abusers may act on their threats, causing physical harm or even committing murder. The risk of intimate partner homicide is highest in the first three months after separation. You must take threats seriously and seek help to protect yourself and your loved ones.
Dealing with Post-Separation Abuse
The end of the relationship does not always mean the end of the abuser’s control and manipulation. Instead, this period can often be the most dangerous and challenging. Dealing with post-separation abuse requires a complex approach to ensure your safety and well-being. By understanding the tactics used by abusers and taking proactive measures, you can protect yourself and your loved ones.
Develop a Safety Plan – Create a detailed safety plan that includes strategies for protecting yourself and your loved ones. This plan should address various scenarios. For example, plan what you would do if your partner turned up at your house and wouldn’t leave. Your plan should include clear steps to take in case of immediate danger. Think about who you could contact and where you would go. Avoid being alone with your ex-partner even if they have never been physically abusive before.
Protecting Children – If you are concerned about your child or children’s welfare, immediate action should be taken to ensure their safety. This might include reporting your ex-partner to social services or obtaining a court-ordered welfare assessment. Documenting instances of abuse and obtaining mental health support, such as play therapy, will help to ensure their well-being. Developing a strong support network and close collaboration with schools will also help to safeguard your children.
Establish Boundaries – Set and enforce strict boundaries with your abusive partner. Eliminate contact or limit it to essential communication, especially if you have children and need to co-parent. Keeping interactions brief and focused on logistics can reduce opportunities for manipulation.
Seek Support – Engage with your community, friends, family, and professional services for support. Counseling, support groups, and legal advisors can provide valuable assistance and help you navigate this challenging time.
Document Everything – Keep detailed records of all incidents of abuse, including dates, times, and descriptions of events. This documentation can be crucial in legal proceedings and for obtaining protective orders.
Obtain Legal Advice – Consult with a lawyer to explore your options, such as restraining orders and custody arrangements. Legal advice can help you understand your rights and the best steps to take to protect yourself. Coercive control, stalking, and domestic violence laws vary between countries, but in some cases, you may be able to file criminal charges. Some countries provide a court advocacy service where a trained professional can accompany you to court.
Protecting financial resources – try to get greater financial independence by establishing separate accounts as soon as possible. Seeking legal support can help secure child support payments and the fair division of assets. In some countries, financial aid is available specifically for survivors of domestic abuse, providing a crucial lifeline during the transition. Obtaining a copy of your credit report is also important to understand all credit cards and loans associated with your name, ensuring no unauthorized accounts impact your financial stability moving forward.
Focus on Self-Care – Take time to care for yourself and engage in activities that empower you and build your confidence. Prioritizing your well-being is essential for recovery and maintaining your strength.
Dealing with post-separation abuse requires a high level of awareness, support, and proactive measures. It is a long journey, and you will need to do everything you can to look after your own well-being throughout this process. By recognizing post-separation abuse tactics and taking appropriate steps, you can work towards regaining control of your life and ensuring your safety.
In a historic move, Members of Parliament have unanimously voted to criminalize coercive control in Canada. Coercive control is a pattern of behavior associated with domestic abuse. This new legislation, introduced as a private member’s bill by New Democrat MP Laurel Collins, aims to address various forms of psychological manipulation and control within intimate relationships.
Bill to Criminalize Coercive Control in Canada
CBC News reports that the bill, which passed its third reading on Wednesday, comes after months of advocacy by Collins. She introduced it in response to abusive behavior she witnessed in her own family. The legislation targets actions such as controlling an intimate partner’s movements, employment, finances, or other personal properties. Collins argues that these behaviors are part of a larger pattern of abuse designed to limit a victim’s freedom and choices.
The bill now proceeds to the Senate, where it will be debated and studied before potentially becoming law. Collins, representing Victoria, expressed her hope that senators will recognize the urgency of the issue and pass the bill promptly.
Collins shared that the issue hit particularly close to home when her sister’s partner confiscated her keys, bank cards, and cellphone, and attempted to prevent her from leaving the house. She highlighted that many survivors and victims of intimate partner violence often face similar control tactics. These include financial control, restricted access to transportation, tracking movements, and dictating what victims can wear or eat.
Background and Broader Context
It has been over two years since a parliamentary committee recommended the criminalization of coercive control to better support victims of intimate partner violence. Collins emphasized the severe consequences of such behavior, noting that a woman is killed in Canada every six days due to intimate partner violence. She pointed out that coercive control is a common precursor to femicide, even in cases where there has been no physical violence.
Calls for Expanded Definition
Law professor Janine Benedet from the University of British Columbia, who researches sexual violence against women, acknowledged the significance of the bill but suggested it could be broader in scope. Benedet noted that coercive control can also occur in other relationships, such as those between caregivers and disabled individuals or fathers and adolescent daughters. These situations, she argued, can also lead to physical and sexual abuse.
Benedet highlighted the need for the legislation to encompass these broader contexts to ensure all victims of coercive control can recognize their experiences as abuse and seek help.
Historical Context and Previous Attempts
This is the second attempt in recent years by the federal NDP to introduce such legislation. MP Randall Garrison from British Columbia previously brought forward a similar bill two years ago. Collins’s current bill builds on Garrison’s efforts, aiming to create specific offenses targeting coercive control.
The Canadian Association of Chiefs of Police has been a strong advocate for such legislation, repeatedly urging Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s government to address coercive control. Statistics from 2018 reveal that 44 percent of women in relationships reported experiencing some form of abuse from a partner, underscoring the widespread nature of the issue.
The move to criminalize coercive control in Canada follows in the footsteps of other countries like the UK, Ireland, and some states in Australia, which have already taken similar steps. These nations have recognized the profound impact of psychological abuse and have implemented laws to protect victims and hold perpetrators accountable.
Related Legal Provisions and Recommendations
Canada already has provisions under the Divorce Act that consider family violence, including coercive and controlling behavior, when issuing contact orders concerning children. Additionally, the final report from the Mass Casualty Commission, which investigated the 2020 Nova Scotia mass shooting, recommended increased action to address coercive control. The report included testimonies from domestic violence experts who revealed that the shooter had subjected his spouse to controlling and intimidating tactics for years before his deadly rampage.
As the bill moves to the Senate, advocates for victims of domestic abuse remain hopeful that this critical legislation will soon become law, providing much-needed protection and support to those affected by coercive control in Canada.
Featured image: Laurel Collins MP discuss bill to criminalize coercive control in Canada. Source: YouTube Screenshot / CPAC.
Family violence perpetrators are dragging out lengthy, expensive, and traumatic court processes, leaving many women to reach unfair agreements. In Australia, the lack of legal assistance for domestic abuse victims is forcing tens of thousands of women to represent themselves in court, incur huge debts, or remain in abusive relationships.
A Broken System
Women fleeing domestic violence report that their ex-partners can use the family law system to continue their abuse. The Guardian reports that these perpetrators often run up their victims’ legal fees, delay legal procedures, and harass them with excessive legal letters.
Family lawyers describe the system as broken and drastically underfunded, with many women, already subjected to years of financial abuse, facing legal bills upwards of $200,000.
Katherine McKernan, executive director of National Legal Aid, explains, “It’s a really tough decision for people. I think that they have an option to represent themselves or they may choose to go into significant financial debt in order to manage their matter. All of those things also can mean that you may choose to stay in a relationship that’s unsafe because of the unavailability of services.” [via The Guardian]
Dire Choices and Endless Battles
Karla, who asked to remain anonymous, did not qualify for free legal assistance but could not afford private legal representation. Her ex-partner used the family courts to continue abusing her, running up her legal fees and harassing her with constant legal letters.
“He just wants to keep fighting and fighting,” she says. “If you’ve got someone who’s got that kind of vengeful personality, or post-separation abuse going on, they will just do everything they can to continue the family court hearings because it gives them a chance to humiliate the other person in public. It really came very close to completely destroying my life.” The ongoing legal battles took a severe toll on her mental health and finances, eventually forcing her to agree to unfair terms.
The Need for Legal Assistance for Domestic Abuse Victims
The government recently promised an additional $44.1 million in 2024-25 for community legal services. However, this falls significantly short of the $484 million needed, according to an independent report.
Louise Glanville, chair of National Legal Aid, stated, “The $10.8 million of additional funding coming to legal aid falls well short.” Women’s Legal Services Australia described the funding increase as a “step backwards,” indicating that many services will have to reduce their support.
Women leaving family violence situations often have to navigate the family law system to sort out parenting agreements, child support, and property settlement. The eligibility criteria for legal aid require applicants to be in the lowest 8% of income earners in Australia, putting them well below the poverty line.
Last year, an estimated 52,000 women were turned away from the 13 women’s community legal centers across the country. Katherine McKernan underscores the dire consequences: “Women being murdered in their own homes or after leaving a violent relationship isn’t being given the same level of recognition by governments as protecting our country from foreign threats.”
Increased Funding Needed
Lawyers and advocates have pointed to some changes in the family law system that have made it more accessible and fairer for women trying to leave family violence. For example, laws introduced in 2019 prevent alleged abusers from cross-examining their former partners during hearings. However, more needs to be done.
Legal advocates suggest amending the Family Law Act to consider family violence in property disputes and introducing a mandatory notification system for Indigenous women involved in family violence cases.
A significant increase in funding is crucial. Antoinette Braybrook emphasizes the need for long-term funding agreements to ensure the continuity of services: “We need a massive injection of funding and longer-term funding agreements. So we’re not scrambling at the end of each financial year to get a commitment from government.”
Addressing the lack of legal assistance for domestic abuse victims is vital to ensure that women can safely leave abusive relationships and secure their futures. As advocates call for more support, it is essential for the government to recognize the urgent need for increased funding and legislative changes to protect those most vulnerable.
On May 3, 2019, 17-year-old Ellie Gould was at home studying for her A-levels when her ex-boyfriend, Thomas Griffiths, arrived unexpectedly. The day before, Ellie had broken up with Griffiths, and now he stood at her door, a presence that would soon turn fatal. When Ellie’s mother, Carole, returned home, she found her daughter dead. Ellie had been strangled and stabbed 13 times in the face and neck. Griffiths, who was also 17 and a pupil at the same school, had attempted to stage the scene to look like a suicide. However, he was later convicted of her murder and sentenced to prison.
Missed Red Flags in Ellie’s Relationship
Ellie Gould’s tragic story highlights the often overlooked dangers of abuse in teen relationships. Reflecting on the events leading up to her daughter’s death, Carole Gould recounted several missed red flags that indicated Griffiths’ controlling and coercive behavior. From the beginning, Griffiths exhibited signs of possessiveness and manipulation, masked under the guise of affection and attention.
The Standard reports that, just days into their relationship, Griffiths began love bombing Ellie with extravagant gestures and promises. He boasted about his family’s wealth, claiming they had holiday homes in Majorca and Lyme Regis, which Ellie later doubted. Despite his part-time job at Iceland, he declared he would spend ‘loads’ on her birthday present, making Ellie feel uneasy. “That was the first red flag we missed,” Carole said [via The Standard]. This tactic of love bombing is often used by abusers to quickly create a sense of dependency and control.
The Escalation of Controlling Behavior
As the relationship progressed, Griffiths’ controlling behavior became more apparent. He would demand all of Ellie’s time, isolating her from her friends. On one occasion, Ellie was meeting girlfriends when Griffiths called after her, shouting, “Where are you going? You’re supposed to be coming to my house.” He tried to convince her they already had an arrangement together when they didn’t. This was a clear instance of gaslighting, a tactic where the abuser makes the victim doubt their own memory and perception. Despite Ellie standing up to him, the pressure continued to mount.
Griffiths’ possessiveness grew more intense as the relationship progressed. About ten weeks in, Ellie informed him she wanted to spend a Saturday at home with her mother. In response, Griffiths overwhelmed Ellie with messages on Snapchat, insisting she come to his house instead. The following day, he turned up uninvited, demonstrating his increasingly obsessive behavior. Ellie was shocked that he showed up after she had clearly asked him not to.
The final weeks of Ellie’s life were marked by increasing tension and fear. Griffiths would turn up at her school, trying to control her interactions with friends. He even attempted to yank her away from her friends in the common room, to which Ellie responded, “Get off. Either join in or leave me alone.” That night, Ellie decided to end the relationship, but Griffiths’ obsession had already reached a dangerous level.
The Tragic End and Its Aftermath
The day after their breakup, Griffiths went to Ellie’s house under the pretense of feeling unwell. He strangled her until she was unconscious and then stabbed her 13 times. The entire event was premeditated. However, the legal system’s response added further pain to the family. Griffiths received a lesser sentence because he obtained a knife at the scene rather than bringing one with him.
Reflecting on the ordeal, Carole has become an advocate for legal reform and awareness around coercive control in relationships. According to The BBC, she crusades for changes in the law and has successfully campaigned for tougher sentences for older teenagers, known as Ellie’s Law. Through this tragedy, Carole discovered that Griffiths had previously exhibited stalking behavior with another ex-girlfriend, further underscoring the missed red flags.
The Importance of Recognizing and Acting on Red Flags
Ellie Gould’s story is a stark reminder of the importance of recognizing and acting on red flags in relationships, especially among teenagers. “If your boyfriend is coercive and controlling, be very careful and don’t stay in that relationship,” Carole advises other young women. The period following a breakup is often the most dangerous, particularly if the ex-partner has shown signs of coercive control.
The need for comprehensive education on healthy relationships in schools is critical. Carole supports initiatives to get youth workers into schools to provide training on identifying red flags. “The Government should back it,” she insists, emphasizing that such training can equip teenagers with the tools to recognize and escape abusive relationships.
Ellie Gould’s life was tragically cut short by a pattern of behavior that is all too common and often overlooked. By sharing her story and advocating for change, Carole hopes to prevent other young women from experiencing the same fate. “I wish I had known then what I know now,” Carole reflects, hoping that her daughter’s story will serve as a wake-up call to the dangers of coercive and controlling behavior in relationships.
Featured image: Ellie Gould, who was murdered by her boyfriend Griffiths. Source: Wiltshire Police.
When I first met Mark, he seemed like the perfect partner. We met in Sydney at a mutual friend’s barbecue, and he immediately swept me off my feet with his charm and attention. Our relationship began with an intense, whirlwind of passion that quickly turned into a possessive, controlling, and abusive marriage. But it wasn’t until I left him that the true extent of his stalking became apparent.
The Beginning of Control and Abuse
Mark’s jealousy and control were evident from the beginning. He would monitor my every move, questioning where I was going, who I was with, and what I was doing. If I spent too much time with friends, he’d accuse me of not loving him enough. If I was a minute late coming home from work, he’d bombard me with questions, making me feel like I had to justify every second of my day. But I never expected that leaving him would escalate his behavior to the level of stalking and relentless post-separation abuse that I endured.
After years of emotional and physical abuse, I finally found the courage to leave. It was the hardest decision I ever made, but I knew it was necessary for my sanity and safety. I moved to a different part of the city, changed my phone number, and started a new job. I thought I could start fresh, but Mark wasn’t ready to let go.
Within weeks, strange things started happening. I’d get random texts from unknown numbers, making cryptic comments about my day-to-day activities. It wasn’t long before I realized Mark had hacked into my phone and social media accounts. He knew where I was, who I was with, and what I was doing at all times. It felt like I was being watched every moment of the day.
Living Under Surveillance
One evening, after a particularly stressful day at work, I went to the supermarket to pick up some groceries. As I was browsing the aisles, I felt a familiar presence behind me. I turned around, and there he was. Mark. Just standing there, staring at me. “What a coincidence,” he said with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. But I knew it wasn’t a coincidence. It was planned.
The stalking didn’t stop there. He planted an AirTag in my car, which I discovered weeks later after feeling like I was constantly being followed. Every time I went to meet friends or attend social events, he would mysteriously appear. It got to the point where I started to avoid going out altogether because I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing him again. “You can’t hide from me,” he would say, “I’ll always know where you are.”
The worst part was when he hired a private investigator to surveil me. I noticed a man following me, taking pictures from a distance. It felt like I was living in a nightmare. No matter where I went or what I did, Mark was always a step behind, ready to remind me that I couldn’t escape his control. “I just want to make sure you’re safe,” he’d claim, but I knew it was about power, not protection.
Seeking Help and Moving Forward
At work, I started receiving flowers and notes, supposedly from a secret admirer, but the messages were eerily familiar. Mark knew details about my work life that I hadn’t shared with anyone. He’d turn up at my office unannounced, making scenes and demanding to see me. My colleagues began to notice, and I felt humiliated and helpless.
The constant surveillance and intrusion into my life took a toll on my mental health. I became anxious, paranoid, and withdrawn. I was living in a state of perpetual fear, never knowing when or where he would show up next. “I’m always watching,” he’d text, and I believed him.
Seeking help, I contacted a local women’s shelter and legal service. They advised me to document everything and provided support as I navigated the legal system to get a restraining order. The process was grueling, and Mark used every opportunity to manipulate the system. He presented himself as a concerned husband, painting me as unstable and paranoid.
Despite the restraining order, the stalking continued. Mark found ways to bypass the restrictions, exploiting every loophole. I had to change my phone number again, deactivate my social media accounts, and rely on friends and family for support and security. “You can’t get rid of me that easily,” he’d say, mocking my efforts to protect myself.
Surviving Stalking
Over time, with the help of supportive friends, therapy, and legal action, I started to rebuild my life. I moved to a different city, found a job that I loved, and began to regain my sense of safety and self-worth. But the scars of Mark’s stalking and post-separation abuse remain.
My story is not unique, and it’s a stark reminder of the dangers of stalking, especially in the context of domestic violence. If you or someone you know is experiencing similar abuse, please seek help. No one deserves to live in fear, and there are resources and people ready to support you in reclaiming your life. “You’re stronger than you think,” a friend once told me, and it’s true. There is hope, even in the darkest of times.
Featured image: Surviving stalking after domestic abuse. Source: Ирина Батюк / Adobe Stock.
Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional and psychological manipulation and a pattern of abusive behavior used by individuals with narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). This article will explore the key signs of narcissistic abuse and provide strategies for managing or escaping it.
What is Narcissism?
Narcissism refers to a personality trait characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. While everyone exhibits some narcissistic traits at times, true narcissism lies on a spectrum. At its most extreme, it manifests as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a clinical diagnosis.
Narcissistic Traits vs. Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Many people can show narcissistic traits like arrogance or feeling entitled, especially when stressed or during certain times in their lives. These traits can cause problems with others but it doesn’t mean someone has a disorder.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a far more severe and persistent condition than the occasional display of narcissistic traits.
NPD includes having an exaggerated sense of self-importance, fantasies of unlimited success and power, believing they are unique, needing constant admiration, feeling entitled, taking advantage of others for personal gain, lacking empathy, being envious of others, and arrogant behaviors. These characteristics are not just occasional behaviors, but are ingrained patterns that significantly affect relationships and daily functioning.
Recognizing Signs of Narcissistic Abuse
People with NPD are frequently abusive in relationships due to their pervasive need for control and admiration. In addition, their lack of empathy means they struggle to recognize or care about their partner’s feelings, leading to a pattern of abusive behavior that can severely damage the victim’s self-esteem and well-being.
Narcissistic abuse often follows a distinct pattern and can include various abusive behaviors. Here are some common signs:
Love Bombing – Love bombing is a manipulative strategy used at the start of a relationship where the abuser overwhelms you with excessive attention, flattery, and affection.
Ignoring Boundaries – Narcissists often disregard personal boundaries, pushing their own agenda regardless of your comfort or consent.
Gaslighting – Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation technique where the narcissistic abuser makes you question your reality and sanity.
Criticism and Insults – Narcissists often criticize and make demeaning remarks to undermine your self-esteem and sense of worth.
Projecting – Narcissistic abusers project their own negative traits or behaviors onto you, accusing you of the very things they are guilty of themselves.
Lack of Empathy – Anarcissist’s inability to empathize means they often disregard your feelings, causing emotional harm without remorse.
Exploiting Vulnerabilities – They will exploit your insecurities and weaknesses to maintain dominance and control.
Belittling – Narcissists engage in constant belittling to make you feel inferior and dependent.
Volatile Behavior – Unpredictableand volatile behavior, including outbursts of rage, keeps you on edge. You never know what to expect next.
Psychological Manipulation – Narcissists use psychological manipulation to confuse and control you, making you doubt your own judgment.
Emotional Blackmail – They use guilt, fear, and obligation to manipulate you into compliance.
The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
The narcissistic abuse cycle is a repetitive and destructive pattern often seen in relationships with a narcissist. It consists of three key stages: idealization, devaluation, and discarding.
Idealization: This phase is characterized by love bombing and grandiose gestures. The narcissist creates an instant, intense connection, making the victim feel unique and wonderful. This stage moves quickly, with the narcissist dazzling the victim with gifts and compliments. These are intended to create a sense of overwhelming attraction. It may feel pleasant initially, but it quickly escalates and becomes overpowering and overwhelming for the partner.
It’s important to remember that while it may feel like love and care, it is actually a manipulative strategy to hook you in.
Devaluation: The next phase of the narcissistic abuse cycle is devaluation, where the narcissist knocks their partner off the pedestal they have placed them on. The narcissist begins dropping subtle hints that the victim has done something wrong, forgotten something important, or hurt their feelings. This leads the victim feeling insecure.
The devaluation phase may include increasing criticism and insults, backhanded compliments, mind games, comparisons to others, ridicule, gaslighting, belittling, and increased control over their partner.
Discard: In this stage, the narcissist discards their partner, especially when they no longer receive the ego-boosting attention and affirmations they crave. The narcissist is not interested in love and security; their primary focus is on maintaining their inflated self-image. Once the narcissist feels they can no longer extract admiration from their current partner, they complete their cycle of abuse and move on to their next victim, leaving their former partner confused and hurt.
Effects of Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse can leave deep and enduring scars on its victims, profoundly impacting their mental, emotional, and physical well-being. The insidious nature of this abuse often results in a gradual erosion of the victim’s self-worth and confidence. Over time, the constant manipulation and control exerted by the narcissist can lead to severe emotional distress and a range of debilitating symptoms.
Constant criticism and belittling by the narcissist erode the victim’s self-esteem, making them feel increasingly inadequate and unworthy. The prolonged emotional and psychological trauma can lead to complex PTSD, characterized by difficulty regulating emotions, feelings of detachment, anxiety and negative self-perception.
Additionally, narcissists often isolate their victims from friends and family, increasing their dependency on the abuser and further entrenching the cycle of abuse. This isolation intensifies the victim’s feelings of loneliness and helplessness, making it even harder to break free from the toxic relationship.
The emotional toll of narcissistic abuse frequently leads to severe depression and anxiety, which can persist long after the relationship has ended. Chronic stress and emotional turmoil can manifest in physical symptoms such as headaches, digestive issues, and sleep disturbances, further compromising the victim’s health. Understanding these effects is crucial for recognizing the depth of harm caused by narcissistic abuse and the importance of seeking help and support.
How to Deal with Narcissistic Abuse
Dealing with narcissistic abuse requires recognizing the signs and taking proactive steps to protect yourself.
Know When and How to Leave – If the abuse persists and escalates, you should consider leaving the relationship. Create a safety plan, seek support, and exit the relationship as safely as possible.
Don’t Try to Change Them – Understand that you cannot change a narcissist. Focus on protecting yourself rather than trying to alter their behavior.
Establish Boundaries – Set and enforce clear boundaries to protect yourself from further abuse. Boundaries are essential for maintaining your mental health.
Focus on Building Your Self-Esteem – Rebuild your self-esteem through self-care, positive affirmations, and engaging in activities that make you feel good about yourself.
Build Your Support Network – Surround yourself with supportive friends, family, and professionals who understand your situation and can offer emotional support.
Focus on Your Own Needs – Prioritize your own needs and well-being because the narcissist never will. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment.
Seek Professional Help – Consider seeking therapy to help process the trauma and develop coping strategies.
Narcissistic abuse is a damaging and insidious form of emotional and psychological manipulation that can have long-lasting effects on victims. By understanding what narcissism is, recognizing the signs of narcissistic abuse, and knowing how to deal with it, victims can take steps to protect themselves and begin the healing process. Leaving a relationship characterized by narcissistic abuse is often the best option for ensuring safety and well-being.
I met Daniel in the summer of 2008 while traveling through Spain. I was a wide-eyed tourist, exploring the vibrant streets of Barcelona, when I stumbled upon a charming café tucked away in a quiet corner. Daniel was sitting there, reading a book. Our eyes met, and it felt like one of those movie moments where everything around you fades away. He smiled, I smiled back, and just like that, our story began.
A Whirlwind Romance
The relationship moved quickly, like a whirlwind romance straight out of a fairytale. Within weeks, we were inseparable, and Daniel was the most attentive, loving man I had ever met. He would surprise me with flowers, whisk me away on spontaneous weekend trips, and shower me with compliments. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen,” he would say, looking at me as if I was his entire world. It felt like a dream come true.
We got married after just a year of dating. Looking back, I see how fast everything moved, but at the time, I was swept up in the romance and excitement. Shortly after the wedding, subtle changes began to surface. Daniel started expressing discomfort with my friends, suggesting that they didn’t really care about me or our relationship. “Why do you even bother with them? They never have your best interests at heart,” he’d say. Slowly, I started seeing less and less of them, choosing instead to spend my time with Daniel to avoid arguments.
Control Creeps In
Then came the financial control. At first, it seemed like Daniel was just being responsible. “Let me handle the bills and the budget. It’s easier this way,” he insisted. But soon, he was questioning every purchase I made. If I bought a new dress, he’d frown and ask, “Do you really need that? We need to save money.” He even took away my credit card, giving me cash only when I needed it. “It’s for our future,” he’d claim, making me feel guilty for wanting any semblance of independence.
Every aspect of my daily life was under his scrutiny. Daniel decided when I could go out, whom I could meet, and even what I could wear. If I wanted to go out for lunch with a friend, he’d question me for hours. “Why do you need to see her? Can’t you spend time with me instead?” he’d ask, his voice laced with suspicion. It got to the point where it was easier to just stay home than face his interrogations.
Abuse Intensifies
The verbal abuse started subtly but escalated over time. He’d criticize my cooking, my appearance, my intelligence. “You’re so stupid, can’t you do anything right?” he’d snap when I made a mistake. He’d belittle my ambitions, saying, “Your ideas are ridiculous. No one will take you seriously.” His words cut deep, and I started doubting my worth, feeling like I was constantly walking on eggshells.
Gaslighting became a daily occurrence. Daniel would twist my words and make me question my memory. “I never said that. You’re imagining things,” he’d insist when I confronted him about his hurtful comments. He’d accuse me of being overly sensitive and paranoid. “You’re crazy. No one else would put up with you,” he’d say, making me doubt my sanity.
Feeling Trapped
The threats were the worst. When I’d muster the courage to challenge him, he’d threaten to leave me, knowing how much I feared being alone. “If you don’t like it, you can leave, but you’ll never make it on your own,” he’d warn, his voice cold and menacing. Sometimes, he’d threaten to hurt himself, saying, “If you ever leave me, I’ll kill myself, and it will be your fault.”
The breaking point came when I found out I was pregnant. The thought of raising a child in such a toxic environment was unbearable. I knew I had to leave for the sake of my unborn child. But leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Daniel had isolated me from my friends and family, controlled my finances, and shattered my self-esteem. I felt trapped and powerless.
The Escape
With the help of a local women’s shelter, I managed to escape. It took months of planning and gathering the courage to leave. I remember the day I left vividly. My heart was pounding as I packed a small bag and slipped out of the house while Daniel was at work. I felt a mix of fear and relief as I walked away from the life I had known. Daniel showed no interest in being involved in our child’s life and quickly moved into a new relationship.
Starting over was incredibly difficult. Daniel had made me believe I was worthless, but slowly, I began to rebuild my life. The support from the shelter and reconnecting with old friends helped me regain my confidence. Therapy was a crucial part of my healing process, allowing me to understand the abuse and rebuild my self-worth.
Now, years later, I am free from my controlling relationship. I’ve learned to trust myself again and have built a new life for me and my child. I share my story to help others recognize the signs of domestic abuse and to encourage them to seek help. No one deserves to live in fear, and there is hope for a brighter future.
Featured image: A woman sits alone. Source: Salsabila Ariadina / Adobe Stock.
Reactive abuse is a complex and often misunderstood phenomenon that occurs in abusive relationships. It involves a victim of abuse responding to their abuser’s actions in a way that appears aggressive or violent. This reaction is typically a self-defense mechanism, yet abusers often manipulate this behavior to further their abusive agenda. This article will explore what reactive abuse is, how abusers use it to justify their actions, the consequences of reactive abuse, and strategies to prevent it.
What is Reactive Abuse?
Reactive abuse happens when a victim responds to prolonged or intense abuse with an outburst that might appear abusive to an outsider. This response is usually driven by self-defense and the accumulated stress and trauma from the abuse. It is important to understand that reactive abuse is a reaction to provocation, not an indicator of the victim’s character or typical behavior. Therefore, it is my belief that the term ‘reactive abuse’ is inaccurate and misleading and should be changed to ‘reactive defense‘.
Examples of Reactive Abuse:
Yelling or screaming back at the abuser after being repeatedly provoked or insulted.
Physically lashing out after enduring continuous physical or emotional abuse.
Using harsh words or threats in a desperate attempt to stop the abuser’s harmful behavior.
Reactive abuse is often misinterpreted because it happens in the heat of the moment, and outsiders might not see the ongoing abuse that led to the reaction.
How Abusers Use Reactive Abuse to Their Advantage
Abusers are skilled at manipulating situations to portray themselves as the victim. They can use instances of reactive abuse to justify their ongoing abusive behavior, claiming that they are the ones being mistreated. This tactic is particularly insidious as it can flip the narrative, making the real victim seem like the abuser.
Ways Abusers Exploit Reactive Abuse:
Justifying Their Behavior: Abusers might say, “See, this is why I treat you this way,” using the victim’s reaction to rationalize their own abusive actions.
Gathering Proof Against the Victim: Abusers may provoke a reaction in private but record it or have witnesses ready to corroborate their version of events. This “proof” can be used in legal battles, such as custody disputes.
Smear Campaigns: By highlighting instances of reactive abuse, abusers can start a smear campaign to isolate the victim from friends, family, and support systems. They might tell others, “You don’t know what she’s really like,” to discredit the victim and garner sympathy for themselves.
Gaslighting: Abusers can use reactive abuse to gaslight their victims, making them question their sanity. They might say, “You’re crazy. Look at how you act,” to further destabilize the victim’s sense of reality.
Consequences of Reactive Abuse
The consequences of reactive abuse are far-reaching and can exacerbate the victim’s situation. Potential consequences may include:
Legal Repercussions: Abusers can use evidence of reactive abuse in court to gain custody of children or obtain restraining orders against the victim.
Isolation: The abuser’s smear campaign can lead to the victim losing friends and family support, making it harder to leave the abusive relationship.
Mental Health Impact: Being labeled as “crazy” or “abusive” can have severe psychological effects on the victim, leading to anxiety, depression, and lowered self-esteem.
Reinforcing the Abuser’s Control: By successfully flipping the narrative, the abuser can maintain or even strengthen their control over the victim, making it more difficult for the victim to seek help or escape the abusive situation.
How to Prevent Reactive Abuse and What to Do Instead
Preventing reactive abuse involves recognizing the abuser’s tactics and finding healthier ways to respond to provocation. It is crucial for victims to develop strategies that help them maintain control over their reactions and seek support from trusted sources. Strategies to prevent reactive abuse include:
Recognize the Triggers: Understand what specific actions or words from the abuser tend to provoke a reactive response. Awareness of these triggers can help in preparing a more measured reaction.
Create a Safety Plan: Have a plan in place for how to leave or seek help if the situation escalates. This might include contacting a trusted friend, family member, or a local domestic violence hotline.
Practice Self-Care and Stress Management: Techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or physical exercise can help manage stress and reduce the likelihood of reacting impulsively.
Seek Professional Help: Therapy can provide victims with coping mechanisms and strategies to deal with their abuser’s provocations more effectively.
Consider Leaving the Relationship: If the abuse persists and continues to escalate, it may be necessary to leave the relationship for your safety and well-being. Seek support from domestic violence services, friends, and family to help you through this process.
Instead of reacting impulsively to provocation, try to take a step back to maintain control over your emotions. Employing thoughtful responses can help defuse the situation and prevent the abuser from gaining further control. Alternative actions instead of reacting include:
Stay Calm and Silent: Sometimes the best response is no response. Walking away or staying silent can defuse the situation and deny the abuser the reaction they seek.
Document the Abuse: Keep a detailed record of abusive incidents, including dates, times, and descriptions. This documentation can be useful if legal action is necessary.
Reach Out for Support: Connect with local support groups or online communities where you can share experiences and get advice from others who have been in similar situations.
Reactive abuse is a defensive response to prolonged and intense abuse, often manipulated by abusers to further their control and justify their actions. Recognizing what reactive abuse is and understanding the tactics abusers use can help victims protect themselves.
It’s important to remember that reactive abuse does not make you an abuser. Instead, it highlights the need for better coping strategies and support systems. By being aware of the signs and consequences of reactive abuse, victims can take steps to safeguard their mental health and seek appropriate help.
In most cases, leaving an abusive relationship is the best option to ensure safety and well-being.
Love bombing is a manipulative tactic abusers use to gain control over someone else by overwhelming them with excessive attention, affection, and gifts. It is often the initial stage in a cycle of abuse that can lead to significant emotional and psychological harm. Understanding what love bombing is, recognizing the warning signs, and knowing when to leave a relationship that starts with such behavior are crucial for protecting one’s mental health and well-being.
Understanding What is Love Bombing
Love bombing involves an intense period of courtship where the abuser showers the target with affection, admiration, and gifts to create a sense of dependency and to manipulate their emotions. This tactic is commonly used by narcissists and other individuals with manipulative tendencies.
According to Justin Bariso, author of ‘EQ Applied’, love bombing is “an attempt to use attention and affection to influence another person.” The goal is to make the target feel special and valued, thereby gaining their trust and loyalty quickly.
Examples of Love Bombing Behaviors
Constant compliments and flattery – telling you your beautiful, talented, intelligent, complimenting you on your clothes, job, or anything they feel is important to you.
Grand romantic gestures, such as extravagant dates, surprise vacations, or expensive gifts.
Excessive communication, including numerous calls, texts, and social media interactions.
Rapid declarations of love and future plans, such as opening joint bank accounts, marriage proposals, or moving in together.
Insisting on spending all available time together
These behaviors can make the target feel incredibly special and cherished initially, but the intensity and speed of these actions can also be overwhelming and disorienting.
Warning Signs of Love Bombing
Recognizing the warning signs of love bombing can help you identify when you might be in a manipulative relationship. Here are some key indicators to watch for:
1. Intensity and Speed: Love bombers often rush the relationship, pushing for quick commitments and making grand declarations of love early on. This rapid progression can leave you feeling pressured and off-balance.
2. Gifts with Strings Attached: While compliments and gifts are normal in healthy relationships, love bombers use them excessively to create a sense of obligation and dependency. If the attention and gifts feel overwhelming or come with strings attached, it’s a red flag.
3. Isolation from Others: Love bombers will want to have you all to themselves. To accomplish this, they will try to isolate you from friends and family, positioning themselves as the sole source of emotional support and affection. In the beginning, it can feel like love and care, but it is a sign of possession and control. The isolation can make it harder to see the manipulation clearly.
4. Inconsistent Behavior: After the initial phase of intense affection, love bombers often become inconsistent, alternating between affectionate and distant or even abusive behavior. This inconsistency is designed to keep you in a state of confusion and dependency.
5. Manipulative Tactics: Love bombers often use guilt, fear, or obligation to maintain control. They may accuse you of being ungrateful or disloyal if you try to set boundaries, slow down the relationship, or don’t reciprocate their grand gestures and gifts.
Types of People Who Engage in Love Bombing
Love bombing is most commonly associated with individuals who have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Narcissists use love bombing as a way to boost their ego and gain control over others. However, love bombing can also be a tactic used by other manipulative personalities, including:
1. Psychopaths and Sociopaths: These individuals may use love bombing as a way to charm and manipulate their victims for personal gain. Their lack of empathy allows them to exploit others without remorse.
2. Insecure Individuals: Some people with deep-seated insecurities might engage in love bombing to secure affection and validation. Their need for constant reassurance can drive them to overwhelm their partners with attention.
3. Abusive Partners: Individuals who are prone to abusive behavior might use love bombing as a way to trap their victims in a cycle of abuse. The initial affection and attention make it harder for the victim to leave when the relationship turns abusive.
When and Why to Walk Away
It’s crucial to recognize when love bombing has shifted from mere enthusiasm to manipulative behavior. Here are reasons and scenarios when it’s better to walk away from such a relationship:
1. Emotional Exhaustion: The constant attention and affection can be exhausting and can drain your emotional energy. If you feel overwhelmed and unable to maintain your own space and individuality, it’s time to reassess the relationship.
2. Lack of Genuine Connection: Love bombing creates a false sense of intimacy that doesn’t allow for a real, deep connection to develop. If the relationship feels shallow despite the intense affection, it might be because it is built on manipulation rather than genuine feelings.
3. Manipulative Behavior: If your partner uses guilt, fear, or obligation to control you, it’s a clear sign of manipulation. Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect and understanding, not control and coercion.
4. Rapid Escalation: Relationships that progress too quickly can often be a sign of underlying issues. If your partner is pushing for quick commitments and declarations of love and you feel overwhelmed, take a step back and evaluate their intentions.
5. Isolation Tactics: If your partner is trying to isolate you from your support network, it’s a significant red flag. Healthy relationships encourage and support your other relationships, not undermine them.
Love bombing is a dangerous and manipulative tactic used by individuals to gain control over others. Recognizing the signs and understanding the motivations behind such behavior can help you protect yourself from emotional and psychological harm.
If you find yourself in a relationship that starts with love bombing, it’s essential to set boundaries, seek support, and be prepared to walk away if the behavior continues.
Understanding what is love bombing and its implications can save you from significant emotional distress. Remember, healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, genuine connection, and balanced affection.
