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Mother Charged with Coercive Control of Daughter in Case of ‘Honour-Based Abuse’

By
Samara Knight
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Honour-based abuse

A mother has been charged with coercive control over her 18-year-old daughter in a disturbing case of alleged “honour-based abuse.” Yasmin Shinwary, 42, is accused of enforcing strict obedience, controlling her daughter’s movements, and isolating her from friends and social activities. Both Yasmin and her husband, Burhanullah Shinwary, 46, face charges of assault occasioning actual bodily harm after an incident involving their daughter, Fatima.

The Incident and Allegations

According to the Evening Standard, the charges stem from an incident on June 27, when Fatima celebrated the last day of college by going to the high street in Hounslow with friends. According to Prosecutor Niamh McDonagh, Yasmin Shinwary allegedly assaulted her daughter by grabbing her arm. Following this, Burhanullah Shinwary allegedly attacked Fatima, resulting in injuries to her face and hands.

“The victim says she was repeatedly denied access to her friends or any sort of social life,” McDonagh told Uxbridge Magistrates Court on Monday. “They demanded to know where she is, what she is doing, with whom, and when” [via The Evening Standard]. This pattern of behavior allegedly constitutes coercive control, as Fatima was repeatedly controlled and denied independence outside the family unit.

Coercive Control Beyond Domestic Abuse

While coercive control is often discussed in the context of domestic abuse and intimate relationships, it can also manifest in other settings. Family units, such as the Shinwary case, are prime examples. Additionally, adult children may exert control over elderly parents, and situations may arise in communal living environments or workplaces. Coercive control involves a range of behaviors designed to dominate and isolate the victim, eroding their sense of autonomy and self-worth.

Honour-Based Abuse

Honour-based abuse is a specific type of coercive control rooted in cultural or familial expectations. It often involves violence or threats of violence to protect or restore the perceived honour of a family or community. This abuse can include physical violence, emotional manipulation, and social isolation. Victims, like Fatima, are often young women subjected to strict control over their behavior, relationships, and personal freedoms to conform to family or community norms.

According to Derby and Derbyshire Safeguarding Children Partnership, indicators of honour-based abuse could include patterns of constrained behavior, forced marriage, female genital mutilation and forced religious practices. “There may be evidence of domestic abuse, including controlling, coercive and dominating behaviour towards the child or young person and or adult victim. Family disputes, and unreasonable restrictions on the young person such as removal from education or virtual imprisonment within the home may occur.”

The UK’s Home Office statistics for revealed that there were 2,905 honour-based offences recorded by the police in 2022.

Court Proceedings

Burhanullah Shinwary appeared in court on Saturday and was remanded in custody on a charge of assault occasioning actual bodily harm. Yasmin Shinwary appeared in the dock two days later, where she pleaded not guilty to charges of coercive control and assault occasioning actual bodily harm. Through an interpreter, Yasmin tearfully stated, “I did not do these things,” adding, “I’m going to die in prison. Could you send me somewhere else?” despite the court’s decision to remand her in custody.

The couple, who moved to the UK from Afghanistan, are scheduled to appear together at Isleworth Crown Court for a pre-trial hearing on July 29. This case highlights the severe impact of coercive control and honour-based abuse within families and underscores the importance of addressing these forms of abuse comprehensively.

In the UK, coercive control became a criminal offense under the Serious Crime Act 2015. The law recognizes that controlling or coercive behavior can cause significant psychological and emotional harm, even in the absence of physical violence. Victims of coercive control, whether in intimate relationships, family settings, or other environments, are encouraged to seek help from support organizations and law enforcement.

Organizations like Refuge and Women’s Aid provide resources and support for those experiencing coercive control and honour-based abuse. It is crucial for victims to understand that they are not alone and that help is available.

Featured image: Honour-based abuse often involves coercive control. Source: rachaphak / Adobe Stock.

12 Signs You Are in a Controlling Relationship

By
Samara Knight
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Signs you are in a controlling relationship

A controlling partner might not be easy to recognize initially. At first, their constant attention might feel flattering. However, bit-by-bit, it can become overwhelming and suffocating. You might find yourself hesitant to do things independently or make decisions without considering your partner’s reaction. If this resonates with you, you could be in a controlling relationship. Control is a toxic behavior that can have serious implications for your well-being.

What is a Controlling Relationship?

A controlling relationship is one where one partner dominates the other in an unhealthy and self-serving way. This domination can manifest in various forms, including emotional, physical, financial, psychological, and even spiritual abuse.

If your partner makes you feel insecure, intimidated, or guilty, you might be in a controlling relationship. Recognizing these signs is crucial for your safety and well-being.

Signs of a Controlling Relationship

1. They Isolate You From Others

A significant sign of a controlling partner is their effort to isolate you from friends and family. They may criticize how much time you spend with loved ones or make you feel guilty for maintaining those relationships. Initially, this behavior might be subtle, such as expressing dissatisfaction with how often you talk to your parents or friends. Over time, they might try to turn you against those who support you, making it harder for you to seek help or advice.

2. They Are Possessive and Jealous

Unwarranted jealousy and possessiveness are clear signs of a controlling partner. At first, a partner’s jealousy might seem flattering, even endearing, as it can be seen as a sign of their care and attachment. However, when jealousy escalates, it can become overwhelming and suffocating. They might accuse you of flirting or cheating without any evidence, reflecting their own insecurities. This behavior can escalate to the point where you feel you must constantly prove your loyalty and fidelity, which is unhealthy and exhausting. It’s important to have trust in a relationship, not constant suspicion.

3. They Make Decisions for You

There’s a fine line between being attentive and being controlling. If your partner routinely makes decisions on your behalf without your input, it’s a sign of control. They might insist on driving you everywhere, schedule your time without consulting you, or make choices about your social life and home environment. This behavior diminishes your autonomy and makes you dependent on them.

4. They Constantly Criticize and Belittle You

Consistent criticism is a common tactic used by controlling partners to undermine your self-esteem. They might make derogatory comments about your appearance, intelligence, or habits, both in private and public. This relentless criticism can make you doubt your worth. It can feel like nothing you do is ever good enough.

You might persuade yourself that your partner’s criticism is justified or that they are merely trying to help you improve. However, regardless of how minor each criticism appears, if it is a constant aspect of your relationship, it is not healthy. In a loving relationship, partners support and uplift each other, rather than tearing each other down.

5. They Want All Your Time and Focus to Be on Them

A controlling partner often demands your constant attention and presence. They might get upset when you make plans without them or when you spend time away. They could frequently check up on you through texts or calls, showing a lack of respect for your need for independence. Although it may initially seem caring of your partner to want all your time, if it becomes a constant demand, it’s a red flag.

6. They Micromanage You

Controlling partners often micromanage various aspects of your life, from how you dress to whom you spend time with. They might start by subtly influencing your choices, such as giving your gifts of clothes they prefer or discouraging hobbies they disapprove of. Over time, this can extend to monitoring your medical appointments, diet, and interactions with colleagues.

7. They Blame You for Everything

Controlling partners are adept at shifting blame onto you for any issues that arise. They might manipulate you into feeling guilty for things that aren’t your fault, making you constantly apologize to keep the peace. This can lead to a dynamic where you’re always walking on eggshells. You change your behavior to avoid their anger, often complying with whatever your partner demands. A healthy relationship involves mutual accountability, not one-sided blame.

8. They Manipulate You

Manipulation can take many forms, including gaslighting, where your partner twists reality to make you question your own perceptions and sanity. They might dismiss your feelings by calling you overly sensitive, withhold affection, give you the silent treatment, or accuse you of being the problem. These forms of manipulation can make you feel like you’re the villain in the relationship, obscuring their abusive behavior and making it harder for you to leave.

9. They Don’t Respect Boundaries

A controlling partner frequently ignores your boundaries, demanding to know every detail of your life and refusing to give you space. They might accuse you of hiding something if you don’t share everything they ask. A controlling partner feels that they have the right to know more about you than they actually do, but in a healthy relationship, boundaries are respected and privacy is honored.

10. They Manage All the Finances

Controlling partners often take charge of the finances, restricting your access to money and making you financially dependent on them. This financial control can make it difficult for you to leave the relationship, as you might not have the resources to support yourself independently. Financial autonomy is crucial for your freedom and security.

11. They Use Threats

Threats are common tactics used by controlling partners to maintain control. They might threaten to end the relationship, harm themselves, or disappear for hours to make you worry. These forms of emotional blackmail can trap you in the relationship out of fear rather than love or commitment. Threats, whether physical or emotional, are serious and should not be taken lightly.

12. They Invade Your Privacy

A controlling partner might frequently invade your privacy by going through your phone, emails, social media accounts, or personal belongings without your consent. They might demand to know your passwords or monitor your online activity. This invasion of privacy is a violation of trust and a clear sign of control.

Conclusion

Recognizing the signs of a controlling relationship is the first step toward reclaiming your autonomy and well-being. Any form of controlling behavior is unhealthy and can escalate to more dangerous situations. If you notice these signs in your relationship, it’s important to take them seriously and seek help.

Controlling behaviors rarely stop on their own and often worsen over time. Controlling partners might promise to change, but without professional intervention, these behaviors are likely to continue.

Some controlling relationships can be repaired with professional help, but it’s essential to prioritize your safety and well-being. Understanding and respecting yourself is the foundation for any healthy relationship. If you feel insecure, afraid, or threatened, it might be time to seek help and consider leaving the relationship for your own safety and happiness.

References

Lambert, C. (2016). Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner. New Harbinger Publications.

Lebow, H. (2021). Are You in a Relationship with a Controlling Partner? 9 Signs. PsychCentral

Relationships Australia Queensland. (2020). Signs of a Controlling Relationship. Raq.com

Featured image: Signs you are in a controlling relationship. Source: Prostock-studio / Adobe Stock.

Paul Forsyth Jailed After Imposing ‘Bizarre Rules’ on Partner

By
Samara Knight
-
Paul Forsyth

Paul Forsyth, 39, has been sentenced to three years in prison by Teesside Crown Court for imposing a “bizarre” set of rules on his partner and subjecting her to severe coercive control and intimidation. The case highlights the sinister ways in which Forsyth controlled every aspect of his partner’s life, leaving her feeling helpless and imprisoned.

Coercive control is a pattern of behavior which seeks to take away the victim’s liberty or freedom and strip away their sense of self. It can involve a range of controlling behaviors, including emotional and psychological manipulation, as well as financial control. In the UK, coercive control is a crime under the Serious Crime Act 2015. Offenders can face up to five years in prison if found guilty of this form of abuse.

Control and Isolation

According to Teesside News, Forsyth’s abusive behavior began after he moved into his partner’s home in Hartlepool in August 2023. Prosecutor Shaun Dryden described how Forsyth’s control tactics quickly escalated, creating an oppressive environment for his partner. “She wasn’t allowed to attend appointments at the doctors in person, she had to have consultations over the phone. She wasn’t allowed to collect her medication in person. She wasn’t allowed to go shopping or for a walk unless she was accompanied by the defendant. He wouldn’t let her take her medication. He imposed a bizarre set of rules on the complainant,” Dryden explained.

The victim had to ask for permission to use the toilet, take a bath or shower, and even to have a drink of water or food. Forsyth also monitored her mobile phone usage, further isolating her by controlling who she could communicate with. He would lock her inside the house when he went out, exacerbating her sense of entrapment and fear.

Escalation to Violence

Forsyth’s control soon turned violent. On December 2, 2023, an argument about his drinking habits led to him repeatedly punching his partner in the face, causing significant bruising and a bloody nose. When police arrived, the frightened woman apologized to the officers and asked if she could have a drink of water in her own home, highlighting the extent of her subjugation.

Forsyth continued to harass and intimidate his partner even after he was arrested and then bailed with conditions not to contact the victim. He breached his bail conditions multiple times, returning to the property to make threats and demand that she drop the charges. “He made threats to the complainant saying he had people watching the house and either the woman or her children would be burned,” Mr. Dryden revealed [via Teesside News]. In another instance, Forsyth physically assaulted her by throwing her from the bed onto the floor.

In her victim impact statement, the survivor recounted the lasting impact of Forsyth’s abuse on her life and her children. She no longer resides in the property due to ongoing threats, and she continues to suffer from panic attacks. Forsyth’s actions have left a profound psychological and emotional scar.

Paul Forsyth Sentenced

Forsyth has a history of criminal behavior, with nine convictions for 21 offenses, including arson and child neglect. He pleaded guilty to controlling and coercive behavior and intimidating a witness. His barrister, Tabitha Buck, mentioned his deteriorating mental health and alcohol dependency as factors, citing the loss of his mother as a significant blow.

Addressing Forsyth, Recorder Nicholas Worsley KC did not mince words. “You basically ruined this woman’s life and you’ve done it because you’re a drunk, you’re a bully, and you’re an inadequate coward. What you’ve put this woman through is inexcusable.” Forsyth was handed a three-year prison sentence and a ban on contacting the victim.

Featured image: Paul Forsyth controlled and abused his partner. Source: Nomad_Soul / Adobe Stock.

Vikki Mae’s Experience with Hidden Abuse (Video)

By
Samara Knight
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Vicki Mae

Vikki Mae’s story began when she was 17, feeling special and loved by a man who was the first to take a genuine interest in her. “He made me feel special and wanted and loved, so long as I did exactly things the way he wanted.” Initially, he lavished her with attention and gifts, making her feel valued and adored. However, this affection came with the condition that she must conform to his every demand, which she initially did without much resistance.

Over time, Vikki’s partner’s controlling behavior escalated to emotional, verbal, psychological, and financial abuse. He dictated how things should be done, isolated her from friends and family, and controlled her ability to work and manage money. Vikki explained how he even controlled their household and finances, ensuring she had to beg for money and was not allowed to work outside their family business. This progression from seemingly benign control to various forms of abuse highlights a pattern where many women, like Vikki, don’t even realize at first that they are being abused.

Vikki’s story underscores a crucial message: many women remain in abusive relationships because they don’t recognize the abuse or feel trapped by financial and emotional dependencies. Her turning point came when she attended a conference and heard other women’s stories of non-physical abuse. She realized the manipulation she had endured and found the courage to leave, stating, “Once I realized it was abuse, I had to do something about it.” Her journey illustrates the importance of self-awareness and support in breaking free from abuse and reclaiming one’s life.

Featured image: Vicki Mae. Source: YouTube Screenshot / National Domestic Abuse Hotline.

Psychological Manipulation in Relationships: Know the Signs

By
Samara Knight
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psychological-manipulation-in-relationships

Psychological manipulation in relationships is a serious issue that can deeply affect your mental and emotional well-being. It involves one partner trying to control or influence the other in a way that is harmful, leaving you feeling confused, anxious, or depressed. Manipulation can be subtle, making it hard to recognize at first, but its effects can be long-lasting and damaging.

Here are some of the methods that manipulative individuals use within intimate relationships to gain control over their partners:

Guilt-Tripping

Guilt-tripping exploits your sense of empathy and desire to be seen as caring. For example, a manipulator might say, “If you really loved me, you would do this for me. But I guess you don’t care about my feelings.”

This strategy shifts blame onto you, making you feel responsible for the manipulator’s unhappiness or problems. Over time, guilt-tripping can lead you to consistently comply with the manipulator’s demands and prioritize their feelings over your own.

Silent Treatment

The silent treatment involves ignoring you or refusing to communicate as a way to punish or control you. This tactic is a form of emotional abuse that makes you feel isolated and desperate for the manipulator’s approval. For instance, after a minor disagreement, the manipulator might stop talking to you for days.

This silence can be devastating, leaving you feeling anxious and eager to resolve the issue, even if it means compromising your own needs or boundaries. The silent treatment is powerful because it plays on the human need for connection and can create a sense of abandonment and helplessness in you.

Playing the Victim

Playing the victim is a tactic where the manipulator portrays themselves as the victim in any situation, even when they are at fault. For example, a manipulator might say, “I’m always the one getting hurt here. I can’t believe you would treat me this way after everything I’ve done for you.”

This shifts the focus away from their actions and onto your perceived wrongdoing. By constantly positioning themselves as the wronged party, manipulators can evoke sympathy and deflect accountability, making it difficult for you to address your own feelings and concerns.

Love Bombing and Devaluation

Love bombing involves overwhelming you with affection and attention to create dependency. Devaluation follows when the manipulator suddenly withdraws affection to destabilize you.

Initially, the manipulator might say, “You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I can’t live without you.” This intense affection can make you feel incredibly valued and cherished. However, once you are emotionally dependent, the manipulator might switch to harsh criticism, saying things like, “You’re so difficult to love.”

This sudden shift can be deeply confusing and distressing, making you feel unworthy and desperate to regain the manipulator’s approval. This cycle of affection and rejection can create a powerful emotional grip, making it hard for you to leave the relationship.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a tactic that involves making you doubt your own reality or sanity. The manipulator might deny events that happened, twist the truth, or blame you for being forgetful or overly sensitive. For example, if a partner forgets a planned date and you remind them, they might say, “You never told me about this. You’re always imagining things.” This causes you to question your memory and reliability.

Gaslighting can be particularly insidious because it gradually undermines your sense of reality, making you increasingly dependent on the manipulator for validation and truth. Over time, it can drastically erode your confidence in your own perceptions and judgments.

What to Do if You Are Being Manipulated

Recognizing psychological manipulation in your relationship is the first step to addressing it. Here are some steps you can take to address the abuse and protect your mental health:

  1. Acknowledge the Problem – Accepting that the behavior you’re experiencing is manipulative is a big step. Trust your feelings and intuition. If something feels wrong, it likely is.
  2. Set Boundaries – Clearly define what behavior is unacceptable. Communicate these boundaries to your partner and outline the consequences if they don’t. For example, “I need to have a calm discussion without you raising your voice. If you start shouting at me, I will end the conversation and leave the room.”
  3. Seek Support – Talk to trusted friends or family members about what you’re experiencing. Sometimes an outside perspective can help you see the situation more clearly. This is particularly helpful when you are experiencing self-doubt.
  4. Educate Yourself – Read about manipulation and abusive relationship dynamics. Understanding these tactics can help you identify them more easily and prevent you internalizing the things the manipulator is telling you.
  5. Consider Professional Help – Mental health professions can provide strategies to identify, cope with and confront manipulation. They can also help you rebuild your self-esteem and confidence.
  6. Plan for Your Safety – If the manipulation escalates and is causing you harm, prioritize your safety. Have a plan in place to leave the relationship if necessary.

Psychological manipulation in relationships is a subtle and damaging form of control that can leave deep emotional wounds. It’s important to understand that the manipulator’s actions are a reflection of their issues, not your worth. Therefore, breaking free from manipulation is not just about escaping control but also about rediscovering your inherent worth as a human being. Everyone deserves their relationship to be one where they feel respected, valued, and safe.

Featured image: Psychological manipulation in relationships damages mental health. Source: JustLife / Adobe Stock.

References

Dubaux, A. (2024). 25 Examples of Manipulation in Relationships. Marriage.com

Hollan, K. (2023). How to Recognize the Signs of Emotional Manipulation and What to Do. Healthline.

Stritof, S. (2024). Signs of Manipulation in Relationships. Very Well Mind.

Sharp Rise in Tracking Device Misuse: 1 in 4 Users Linked to Domestic Violence

By
Samara Knight
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Tracking device

The use of tracking devices has seen a significant increase in New South Wales, but a disturbing trend has emerged. According to a recent NSW Crime Commission report, one in four individuals purchasing these devices have a history of domestic violence. This troubling statistic highlights the need for tighter regulations to prevent the misuse of tracking devices by offenders to stalk, harass, and intimidate their victims.

Alarming Statistics

The NSW Crime Commission analyzed data from over 5,500 tracking devices sold to more than 3,000 customers in 2023. The findings were alarming:

  • 37% of customers were known to police for various reasons.
  • 25% had a history of domestic and family violence (DFV).
  • 15% were linked to serious and organized crime.
  • 9% had histories of both domestic violence and organized crime.

These statistics underscore the growing misuse of tracking devices for malicious purposes, particularly in domestic violence scenarios.

Tracking Devices and Domestic Violence

Tracking devices have become tools for perpetrators of domestic violence to maintain control over their victims. The report states, “Tracking and other surveillance devices are frequently used by perpetrators of domestic and family violence to stalk, harass, intimidate and monitor victims, sometimes leading to violent outcomes.” The devices are part of a broader strategy to intimidate and control intimate partners, perpetuating the cycle of abuse even after a relationship has ended.

Phillip Ripper, CEP of No to Violence, an organisation that works with men to curb violent offending, said that tracking a partner was an “absolute red flag to increasingly harmful forms of family violence”.

“Make no mistake, tracking and surveillance are all part of stalking behaviours, all parts of coercive control and all constitute family violence in their own right,” Mr Ripper told AAP.

One notable case detailed in the report involved a woman who discovered an Apple AirTag hidden in her vehicle. Her ex-partner had been driving past her house multiple times a day and calling her incessantly. Using an anti-stalking app, she found the AirTag inside a magnetic box on her car. This incident highlights how easily accessible tracking devices can become instruments of fear and control.

The report also noted that between 2010 and 2023, NSW police charged 219 people under the Surveillance Devices Act, with about a third of the 438 charges related to the unlawful use of tracking devices. The introduction of the Apple AirTag in 2021 contributed to this rise, with 14 offenders charged for unlawful use of these devices since their market release.

Calls for Stricter Regulations

In light of these findings, the Crime Commission has called for tighter controls on the sale and use of tracking devices. They recommend that these devices include built-in anti-stalking measures and that their use be considered in bail and apprehended violence order (AVO) conditions to protect victims. Additionally, the commission highlighted the role of some private investigators and spy stores in marketing these devices to individuals intending to misuse them.

Global Perspective

While the study focused on New South Wales, similar incidents have been reported globally. Fox News reports that in Arlington, Texas, a man named Shannon Boyd used a tracking device to follow his ex-girlfriend. This led to a violent confrontation where he shot her. Arlington Police Chief Al Jones remarked, “This officer-involved shooting was an end result of a horrific domestic violence incident that involved a man that intended to kill an innocent woman.”

The woman, accompanied by a male friend, noticed Boyd trailing them and pulled over at a park. Boyd instructed the friend to leave, and fearing for his safety, he called 911. The woman survived the attack and is currently recovering in the hospital. This case illustrates the lethal potential of tracking devices in domestic violence scenarios.

Recommendations for Victims

The report advises victims of domestic violence to remain vigilant for signs of being tracked. It suggests using anti-stalking mobile applications and regularly checking personal belongings and vehicles for hidden devices. Victims are also encouraged to seek legal protection and support from law enforcement and domestic violence organizations.

The rising misuse of tracking devices by domestic violence offenders necessitates immediate action. The statistics from the NSW Crime Commission reveal a significant threat to the safety and well-being of victims. Stricter regulations, combined with public awareness and robust support systems, are crucial to combat this insidious form of abuse. As technology evolves, so must the measures to protect vulnerable individuals from its potential misuse.

Featured image: Tracking device. Source: GrafKoks / Adobe Stock.

My Story of Surviving Twenty Years of Abuse

By
Kay Miah
-
Male victim of domestic abuse

I met my former spouse under unfortunate circumstances when I was just 16. We were both liberal Muslims who acknowledged our faith but did not actively practice it. She came from a family that was sadly riddled with abuse. Her late mother, her siblings, and she herself were victims of her father’s violent behavior. After our marriage, I discovered the shocking truth that she had also been sexually abused by her brother and cousin. I later came to understand that she maintained a significant attachment to both her brother and cousin, a connection that persisted until the unfortunate dissolution of our marriage last year.

Early Marriage

We got married a few years later when I was 19 and she was 20. The initial years of our marriage were as one might expect—we accepted each other for who we were and relished the freedom of not having to conceal our relationship, as we had done during our courtship due to cultural norms.

I come from a family blessed with generational wealth, while she came from a family heavily reliant on the welfare system. In retrospect, our contrasting socio-economic backgrounds should have served as a warning sign, a point underscored by my family before our marriage. However, I overlooked these cautionary signals, believing that I was truly in love.

Radical Change

The trouble started when her brother, a drug taker, drinker, and womanizer, decided to suddenly become a radical Muslim. It resulted in my wife coming home one day after a visit wearing a black burqa. I was shocked, as this was a woman who had previously worn western clothes, drank alcohol, and smoked cannabis. She also decided she would no longer wear color and would only wear black in public. I tried my best to challenge it, but now with a young child, I put up with it.

It got worse. From changing her own persona and appearance, she began to try and enforce radical religious rules upon me and our children. She often used the threat of her brothers resorting to violence and taking my children to a Muslim country if I didn’t comply.

Control and Isolation

My wife then started using intimacy as a weapon, withholding it if I did not comply with the conditions she set.

In 2007, my world was plunged into darkness with the loss of my father. This profound grief led me to seek refuge in gambling, a temporary escape from the pain and torment I was experiencing. Later, she used this as a tool to exert control over every facet of my life.

The Breaking Point

By 2012, we had three children. However, the oppressive control had become insufferable. However, out of fear for her family and deep concern for our children, I found myself enduring the abuse.

One night in July 2012, I went out with friends and had a drink. We took some pictures, and in these pictures, we were around a mixed group of people, both male and female. One of the females took a shine to me and sent me some messages that evening. Without my knowledge, my wife went into my phone and saw these images. I was awoken at 3 am by her brothers entering my property and forcibly removing my wife and our children from our home.

I spent months trying to contact her while trying to focus on work, to no avail. My family and friends tried, but they would not respond. Eventually, her brother, who is now sadly deceased, managed to make contact with her for me. Ironically, he ran an escort agency, which is far from Islamic, but they only worried about controlling others, not their own.

A Slavery Contract

In November 2012, I was invited to her father’s home where, under the fear of never seeing my children again, they made me sign a contract that effectively enslaved me. Here are some snippets of what the contract entailed:

  • I will complete my obligatory salah, fast, go to Jummah, and give to charity.
  • I will not have any contact or mix freely with women I should not be around.
  • I will stop all associations with my friends who commit haram (‘forbidden’) acts.
  • I will immediately cease all haram acts such as drinking alcohol, going to pubs and clubs, gambling, and taking drugs.
  • I will give my wife all access and control of my financial assets.
  • If there are any big financial decisions, I would like her to consult me, but she will have the final say, as she will have my and my children’s best interest at heart.
  • If any of these demands are broken, I will leave my marital home, leaving my wife and kids to continue with their lives.

Living in Fear

The clauses and the contract I was forced to sign amounted to nothing short of slavery. However, without hesitation, I signed it, driven by the fear of being alienated from my children, whom I had not seen in several months.

It did not stop there. Now that they had me under this abusive contract, she took full control of my life. She would follow me around like a shadow, and if I ever argued back, she would remind me of the contract.

The Struggle Continues

My children were unable to visit my family or stay overnight with them, but they were allowed to do so with her family whenever they wanted. Her brother began to dictate our lives, and we were not allowed to have pictures up in the house or play music, as this was deemed haram.

The abuse continued, and they began to exploit the fact that my family had money. She stopped working by choice after our daughter was born in 2007 and has not worked a day since. I tried my best to financially support her. But by now, we had six children and, as you can imagine, a family of eight is quite an expense to cover on one wage.

I pleaded with her to work, but she refused, citing that Islam says the man should provide and the woman does not have to work. So again, I accepted this. She began to try to start numerous businesses, all of which failed, losing thousands of pounds in the process. Then she decided she wanted to be an Islamic author. I supported her, thinking that if it kept her occupied, it would give me a brief respite from the abuse.

Over time, I became a prisoner in my own skin and contemplated suicide on numerous occasions. However, thinking about my children kept me from acting on these thoughts. I no longer felt like a man and experienced deep embarrassment in public settings, suffering in silence.

Further Isolation and Control

In 2017, my brother kindly gave me money to buy a home, and her family began pressuring me to put this in her name, which I refused.

Her younger brother, a known drug dealer, stored his drug money in my home against my wishes. He openly bragged about it in front of my children, often flaunting the money in their faces. The hypocrisy was glaring: it was acceptable for her brother to ignore his faith, but for me, there was no leniency.

I began to challenge her behavior and I started to stand up for myself. However, I was without any support – she had isolated me from my family, who I had not seen for almost three years.

Final Straw

In July 2023, I organized a party to celebrate my daughter’s GCSE exam results with our family. Everything was arranged, and she initially agreed to the plan. However, one night, she abruptly informed me that she was taking the children to her dad’s place in London for two weeks, destroying the planned celebration with my family.

This was the final straw. Regrettably, I lost my cool, swore at her, and called her family scum. I told her to get out of my house. The following morning, I went to work. When I returned home, I found that my children’s passports and birth certificates, along with her valuables and a small amount of clothing, were gone.

For several days, I tried calling and texting her and her family, but I was being ignored. Then I got a call from my daughter, crying, stating her family was discussing and advising her to make false allegations of abuse against me. When my daughter spoke out, she was threatened with violence by her maternal uncle.

My daughter and son were then sent to another house so their mother and family could discuss in secret. My daughter called me again, stating she was being held against her will. I advised her to call the police and make her way to my brother’s home in London. She managed to escape, and I left work to go to London. I collected five of my six children, who have since been in my care.

Court Battles

I initiated court proceedings, but my youngest child, who is seven, is still in her care and exposed to this radical family of abusers. This resulted in their mother blocking all of my children on her phone and changing her number.

Since our separation, she has made several false allegations of various forms of abuse, a common occurrence in family court proceedings. I remain hopeful that justice will prevail and my son will be reunited with me and his siblings.

She has even enlisted her lovers and family to harass both myself and our children via social media. Without my knowledge or consent, she changed my youngest son’s GP and school. I have had to pursue these agencies to gain access to my son’s details and progress. She even instructed the school not to allow me to pick up my son, a directive the school later rescinded after I challenged them, as there were no legal grounds for such a restriction.

Hope for the Future

We have been in court for nearly a year now. During this time, my child has been indoctrinated to the extent that he harbors hatred for Jewish people and non-Muslims. Despite my best efforts and presenting sufficient evidence, agencies responsible for protecting individuals have refused to take any action.

I have been undergoing counseling to cope with the abuse I have endured. However, it deeply saddens me that services do not take the abuse suffered by men as seriously as they do with women. Abuse is not gender-specific, and anyone can be a victim.

Looking back, the journey has been excruciating, filled with moments of despair and helplessness. My wife’s radical transformation and the subsequent control she exerted over every aspect of my life turned our marriage into a prison. The manipulation, threats, and coercion I faced were relentless. Yet, amid the darkness, my children’s well-being and the support of my family have kept me grounded.

Featured image: Male victim of domestic abuse. Source: StockSnap / Pixabay.

* To share your story of abuse, visit our submissions page.

Fury in Ireland as Soldier Avoids Jail After Beating Woman Unconscious

By
Samara Knight
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Cathal Crotty

Ireland is in uproar following the suspended sentence handed to Cathal Crotty, a 22-year-old soldier in the Irish Defence Forces, after he beat a woman unconscious in Limerick. The incident, which took place on May 28, 2022, saw Crotty attack Natasha O’Brien, 24, without provocation. The attack has sparked widespread outrage, highlighting concerns over the handling of gender-based violence by the Irish judicial system.

The Incident and Court Case

RTE reports that Cathal Crotty, from Parkroe Heights, Ardnacrusha, Co Clare, assaulted Natasha O’Brien on O’Connell Street, Limerick. The court heard that Crotty, who had been drinking, attacked Ms. O’Brien after she and a friend politely asked him to stop shouting homophobic abuse. Crotty’s initial claim that O’Brien had instigated the attack was quickly disproven by CCTV footage showing him launching an unprovoked assault.

Ms. O’Brien suffered significant injuries, including a broken nose, severe concussion, and extensive bruising. She recounted her ordeal, stating, “The physical injuries I sustained were devastating; a severe concussion, a broken nose, severe swelling, and bruising on both arms, shoulders, head, right upper thigh, left eye, cheek, and jaw.” She added that she thought Crotty was going to kill her.

Despite the severity of the attack and Crotty’s subsequent boasting about it on Snapchat, he received a three-year prison sentence, suspended in its entirety. This means Crotty will not serve time behind bars unless he reoffends.

Public Outrage and Reaction

The leniency of the sentence has provoked national outrage. Limerick feminist group ROSA expressed their dismay, stating, “The disgusting, inexcusable actions of Cathal Crotty on the night of May 28, 2022, could have easily resulted in Natasha’s death. As so many times before, we have seen the injustice system favor a man’s career over a woman’s life.” [via Limerick Live]

RTE reports that Women’s Aid, a domestic abuse charity, reported being “absolutely inundated” with calls from distressed individuals reacting to Crotty’s suspended sentence. The charity’s CEO, Sara Benson, highlighted the discrepancy between the sentencing and the gravity of the crime, saying, “At the same time, we see this act of very public violence against a woman in broad daylight, and it really does leave us questioning just how seriously we are taking the issue of violence against women and our commitment to zero tolerance.”

Earlier this week, Women’s Aid announced that there has been a 74 percent surge in physical violence perpetrated against women since 2022.

Judicial Perspective and Criticism

During the sentencing, Judge O’Donnell stated, “In fairness to him, he has come to court and publicly admitted his wrongdoings and has made a public acknowledgment of his criminality.” He justified the suspended sentence by noting that a prison term would end Crotty’s career in the Defence Forces. “If I was to impose a jail sentence on Mr. Crotty, his career is over,” Judge O’Donnell remarked.

This decision has been heavily criticized, with many feeling it sends a dangerous message about the consequences of violent behavior. Natasha O’Brien, reacting to the sentence, said, “I lost my job because of his actions, because I was so impacted by what he did, but this judge doesn’t want to jail him because it will mean he will lose his job. That’s not justice.”

Community and Organizational Responses

In response to the sentencing, protests organized by ROSA Socialist Feminist Movement are planned in Limerick, Dublin, and Cork this Saturday. The protests aim to highlight the systemic issues within the judicial system regarding the treatment of gender-based violence cases.

Ms. O’Brien’s case has brought to light significant concerns about how such cases are handled in Ireland, reflecting a broader call for judicial reform and a more robust stance against gender-based violence.

Featured image: Soldier from Irish Defence Forces. Source: Stephen / Adobe Stock.

8 Manipulative Tactics Abusers Use to Make You Go Back

By
Samara Knight
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Abusers use tactics to make you go back

Leaving an abusive relationship is an incredibly challenging step, and abusers often use a variety of manipulative tactics to try and lure you back in. Understanding these strategies can empower you to recognize and resist these attempts. Here are eight common tactics abusers use to make you go back to the relationship.

1. Hoovering

Named after the vacuum cleaner, hoovering refers to your abuser’s attempt to “suck” you back into the relationship. This can involve exaggerated displays of affection, apologies, and promises to change. Your abuser may send flowers, write heartfelt letters, or make grand gestures of love.

When I left my husband, he gave me a cake with a romantic message on top; he had a song composed for me; he bought me flowers; and he gave me a 9-hour video montage of photos of our life together. According to the Cleveland Clinic, hoovering is designed to evoke memories of good times and create hope for a better future, making you doubt your decision to leave.

2. Blackmail

Blackmail is another powerful tool in your abuser’s arsenal. They may threaten to reveal embarrassing or damaging information about you if you do not return. This could include private photos, secrets, or any personal information that could harm your reputation or relationships. The goal is to instill fear and coerce you into compliance.

If your abuser has threatened to do this, it might help to inform yourself about the laws in your country. For instance, laws around cyberstalking, harassment, defamation, and coercive control can provide legal protections and prevent your abuser from releasing private information.

3. Threats of Suicide

Your abuser may threaten to harm themselves as a way to manipulate you into staying or returning. This tactic plays on your empathy and fear, making you feel responsible for their well-being. Suicide threats are a form of emotional blackmail intended to exert control and prevent you from leaving permanently.

My husband also used this strategy when I left him. It was extremely hard going through the first night away from him when he was telling me he was having panic attacks and suicidal thoughts, and wouldn’t survive the night. Read what to do if your abuser threatens suicide.

4. Manipulation and Guilt

Abusers are skilled at manipulating your emotions, particularly guilt. They might claim that the breakup has devastated them, their health is suffering, or they cannot function without you. Statements like “I can’t live without you” or “You’re ruining my life” are common. Mine even claimed I was causing physical and emotional harm to his elderly parents due to the shock of me leaving our marriage. These tactics aim to make you feel responsible for their misery and guilty for causing harm.

5. Controlling Finances

Control over finances is a significant method abusers use to keep you dependent. After a breakup, your abuser might withhold money, cut off access to bank accounts, or refuse to pay child support. This financial manipulation makes it difficult for you to become independent and can pressure you to return out of economic necessity.

During my marriage, my husband and I co-owned a company where he served as the CEO. After I left him, he significantly reduced my salary while increasing his own. Additionally, he used company funds for his personal expenses and extravagant holidays and gifts for our son. Despite being a co-owner of the company, I did not receive any of the same benefits. These actions were intended to place me under financial strain and compel me to return to him out of necessity.

6. Playing the Victim

Abusers often portray themselves as the true victims in the relationship. They might tell mutual friends and family that you are the one who caused the breakup or behaved abusively. This tactic is designed to garner sympathy and support from others, isolating you and making you feel misunderstood. By playing the victim, your abuser hopes to pressure you into returning to “set things right.”

7. Threats to Take Away Children

Threatening to take the children away is a particularly effective form of manipulation. Your abuser may claim they will seek full custody, move to another location with the children, or accuse you of being an unfit parent. These threats play on your love for your children and fear of losing them, making it a powerful coercion tool. This was another tactic my husband tried to make me go back to him. He told me that if I challenged him, he would deny everything, lie about me, and get our child taken away from me.

8. Threats to Your Safety

One of the most terrifying tactics abusers use to make you go back is instilling fear for your safety. Your abuser may threaten violence against you, your children, loved ones, or even pets. These threats can be explicit, such as direct threats of harm, or implicit, through displaying violent behavior. The fear of potential harm can be so overwhelming that you may feel you have no choice but to return, believing it is the only way to protect yourself and your loved ones.

How to Avoid Going Back

Understanding these manipulative tactics is crucial for anyone trying to break free from an abusive relationship. Recognizing these behaviors for what they are—strategies to regain control—can help you resist the pressure to return. Here are some steps you can take to avoid going back:

  • Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with people you can talk to when you feel tempted to return.
  • Create a Safety Plan: Develop steps to protect yourself and your children.
  • Remind Yourself Why You Left: Write a note to yourself about why you chose to leave and read it whenever you feel unsure.
  • Work to Gain Financial Independence: Seek ways to become financially self-sufficient.
  • Get Professional Support: Reach out to therapists, counselors, and support groups specialized in domestic abuse.

Navigating the aftermath of leaving an abusive relationship can be incredibly difficult, especially when your abuser employs a range of manipulative tactics to make you go back to them. It’s crucial to remember that these strategies are designed to regain control over you. By staying informed and prepared, you can uphold your decision to leave and move towards a healthier and more secure future.

References

Cleveland Clinic (2023). What is Hoovering? 7 Signs and How to Handle it.

Flannery, S. (2023). What to Do If an Abuser Threatens Suicide. Domestic Shelters.

Mandriota, M. (2021). How to Leave an Abusive Relationship and Not Go Back. PsychCentral.

Featured image: Abusers use tactics to make their partners return. Source: oreans / Adobe Stock.

Alarming Increase in Domestic Abuse Reports in Ireland

By
Samara Knight
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Domestic abuse in Ireland is increasing

Women’s Aid has reported an unprecedented number of domestic abuse disclosures in 2023, marking the highest figures in the charity’s 50-year history. The annual report reveals an 18 percent increase in cases compared to 2022, totaling 40,048 disclosures involving women and children.

Record-Breaking Disclosures

The charity’s report documented a substantial rise in various forms of abuse:

  • Emotional Abuse: 21,974 disclosures
  • Physical Abuse: 7,851 disclosures
  • Economic Abuse: 4,297 disclosures
  • Abuse Against Children: 4,478 disclosures
  • Sexual Abuse: 1,448 disclosures

Women’s Aid has expressed deep concern over the significant increases, particularly noting a 74 percent surge in physical violence and an 87 percent rise in economic abuse since the previous year.

The Nature and Impact of Coercive Control

In addition to the Annual Impact Report 2023, Women’s Aid has released research carried out with the pro bono support of Arthur Cox LLP. This research examined the charges and convictions arising from the coercive control offense to date. The Insights Report: Review of the Publicly Reported Enforcement of the Coercive Control Offense scrutinized 11 concluded cases based on publicly available sources. This review provides insights into the nature, impact, and prosecution of coercive control since the enactment of the new offense in 2019.

The findings indicate that coercive control charges are often used alongside other criminal charges to address the comprehensive pattern of abuse rather than isolated incidents.

According to Sarah Benson, Chief Executive of Women’s Aid, the evidence from these prosecutions highlights the extensive and damaging range of abuse women endure from their current or former male partners, frequently over long periods. Women’s testimonies reveal the severe impact of coercive control on their lives and those of their children and wider family.

Perpetrators and Methods of Abuse

The vast majority of abusers (86 percent) were current or former male intimate partners. Other perpetrators included men who were not intimate partners (9 percent) and female abusers (5 percent). The methods of abuse reported were varied and severe, including assaults with weapons, constant surveillance and monitoring, relentless put-downs and humiliations, sharing of intimate images online, complete financial control, sexual assault and rape, and threats to the victims’ and their children’s lives.

The impact of such abuse on victims is profound and multifaceted. Women’s Aid described the effects as “chilling,” noting cases of exhaustion and isolation, serious injury and miscarriages, poverty and homelessness, and suicide ideation.

Leadership Response

Ms Benson described the number and nature of disclosures as “utterly appalling” and emphasized that these figures likely represent just a fraction of the actual cases.

“It is shocking that in our 50th year of service to women, we are still receiving record disclosures of domestic abuse,” she said. Benson stressed that the reported numbers are merely the “tip of the iceberg,” with one in four women in Ireland experiencing domestic abuse.

Barriers to Reporting

Ms Benson also highlighted the barriers that prevent many victims from coming forward, such as fear, stigma, and self-blame, along with persistent societal attitudes towards domestic violence. She pointed out that a significant number of victims are isolated and lack the information or confidence to seek help.

“So many victims-survivors lack the information or confidence to contact specialist services, and about one-third will suffer in total isolation, telling nobody what is happening to them,” she said.

Need for Continued Support and Investment

Although there has been increased funding for domestic violence services, Ms Benson indicated that this support is insufficient and originates from a history of neglect. She called for focused coordination and sustained investment from the government to ensure the effective implementation of the Third National Domestic Sexual and Gender Based Violence Strategy.

“At this very moment, there are many thousands of women and children living in fear of the person who should love, respect, and care for them,” Benson said, urging continued efforts to support victims and address the root causes of domestic abuse.

This report underscores the critical need for ongoing awareness, resources, and systemic change to combat the alarming rise in domestic abuse and support those affected.

Featured image: Domestic abuse has risen in Ireland. Featured image: releon8211 / Adobe Stock.

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