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Why Do Abusers Isolate Their Victims?

By
Angie Doel
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Why do abusers isolate their victims?

Abusive relationships often involve psychological manipulation, control, and fear. One of the most insidious and effective tactics abusers use to maintain control is isolation. Understanding why abusers isolate their victims is key to recognizing the full extent of their manipulation.

By cutting off their partners from friends, family, and other support systems, abusers create an environment where the victim becomes increasingly dependent on them and less likely to seek help. Toxic individuals employ isolation as a strategic tactic to maintain their dominance and keep their partner trapped within the relationship.

Understanding Isolation as a Tool of Control

Isolation serves several purposes. At its core, isolation is about control. By cutting the victim off from their support network—loved ones, neighbors, and even coworkers—the abuser exerts a greater degree of influence over their victim.

This control is often gradual, starting with small demands and escalating to more significant restrictions on their partner’s social interactions. As the abuser’s control tightens and the victim’s self-esteem is systematically damaged through constant criticism and belittlement, they feel hopeless, worthless, and increasingly confused.

Isolation fosters psychological dependency. When a victim is isolated, they have fewer people to turn to for help or perspective, which makes them more reliant on the abuser for emotional, financial, and social support. Over time, this dependency becomes so entrenched the victim may feel they have no other choice but to stay with the abuser.

By controlling who the victim can talk to or see, the abuser manipulates the victim’s perception of reality. Without external perspectives to challenge the abuser’s narrative, their partner may start to believe the lies and distortions, including making them think they are to blame for the abuse or that they are unworthy of love and support from others. As their world shrinks, they are left with fewer emotional and practical resources to escape the abusive situation.

Extreme Jealousy and Isolation

Some abusive individuals become consumed by jealousy to the point where they seek to isolate their victims entirely. They demand that their partner’s focus remain solely on them, as any time spent with others is seen as time taken away from them.

Social support networks provide strength and independence, so if the victim maintains outside connections, their attention is less likely to be dominated by the abuser. To an abusive indvidual, any outside relationship poses a threat, regardless of the victim’s reassurances or efforts to pay close attention to them. For many abusers, this is simply intolerable.

Manipulating the Victim’s Perception of Reality

One of the most damaging aspects of isolation is its ability to distort the victim’s perception of reality. By controlling who the victim can talk to or spend time with, the abuser creates an environment where their partner’s worldview is shaped solely by their narrative.

The abuser presents their version of reality as the only truth, creating a singular worldview that the victim is forced to accept. Without external perspectives to challenge this narrative, the victim begins to internalize the abusive individual’s lies and distortions, believing whatever they are told.

This manipulation often involves making the victim feel guilty for seeking support or convincing them that others will not understand or will judge them if they reach out. The victim may become so isolated they begin to believe the abuser’s words are the only truth, deepening their entrapment.

Addicted to Power

Toxic individuals seek to isolate their victim because they are addicted to power and control. By cutting off their partner’s connections to the outside world, the abuser ensures that they become even more dependent, more vulnerable, and less likely to challenge their authority.

Isolation fosters a climate of fear, making it easier for the abuser to maintain dominance, as their partner is left with no one to turn to and is increasingly fearful of standing up to the abuser’s demands. This dependency reinforces the abuser’s power over the victim, trapping the victim in a cycle of manipulation and fear. The more isolated their partner is, the more powerful the abusive individual feels.

Conclusion

Isolation is a deliberate and powerful tactic used by abusers to maintain control over their partners. By severing their connections with the outside world, the abuser can effectively manipulate, dominate, and subjugate them with little resistance. This isolation strips the victim of their autonomy and strength and traps them in a cycle of fear and helplessness—making it even harder for them to escape the abuse. The abuser’s ultimate goal is to create a world where their power is absolute and unquestioned, leaving the victim with no resources or support to challenge their authority.

References

Bancroft, Lundy (2003). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Berkley Books.

Fontes, Lisa. (2019). Grooming for Domestic Abuse: From Romance to Isolation. Psychology Today.

Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: The Entrapment of Women in Personal Life. Oxford University Press.

Featured image: Abuse victim isolated at home. Source: Svitlana / Adobe Stock.

New Year, New Life: How I Chose Freedom on January 1st

By
shadowsofcontrol
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New life free from abuse

It was New Year’s Day when I decided to leave my husband. There is something significant about January 1st. It is a day filled with hope of new beginnings and fresh starts. It’s a time when we set resolutions, believing that our goals and dreams can become a reality.

On that day, I told my husband that I hadn’t seen my family for 1.5 years and they’d invited us to a post-Christmas celebration.

This would mean that our 5-year-old son would have to miss his martial art’s class. My husband was adamant about never allowing him to miss a class—he believed our son needed to be a ‘leader,’ an ‘achiever,’ and learn the value of ‘persistence’ and ‘accomplishment.’

“You can’t go,” my husband declared. “Our child will not miss his class.”

I tried to reason with him, explaining that it would be perfectly fine for our son to miss just one class. After all, he was only 5, and it was important for him to spend time with family.

“You don’t know what success looks like,” he shouted. “If everyone on the planet was like you, we would still be in the Stone Age. It is only because of visionaries like me that we have civilization, and our son will learn about success from someone who is successful – me!”

In my mind, I kept repeating, “Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.” I was trying to stay calm and reassure myself. I had been reading books on how to handle verbal and emotional abuse and was doing my best to apply what I had learned.

“I won’t be spoken to like that,” I said firmly. “If you continue to insult me, I’ll have to end the conversation.” I felt a sense of pride that I had the courage to express a boundary, hoping it would ‘fix’ everything, just as the book told me it would.

He laughed at my attempt. “Is this part of your new progressive, liberal identity?” he mocked. “Is this what your therapist is telling you to do?”

“Fine,” he said. “He can miss the martial arts class and I will just explain to him that you don’t believe he can be good at martial arts.”

He left the room and went to our small child, saying: “Mummy doesn’t care about your martial arts. She doesn’t care if you are good or not and she doesn’t want to you to get better, so it’s up to you now.”

Looking at the pain on my son’s face and devastated that he would emotionally wound him to assert his control over me, I retreated to the bathroom and locked the door. I sat on the floor and I told myself, “Today is January 1st – a new year, and I refuse to deal with this s**t anymore. This is the day I reclaim my life, for myself and my son.”

By anonymous survivor

Featured image: New year, new life. Source:  Kittiphan / Adobe Stock

20 Pieces of Advice for Escaping Domestic Abuse—From Those Who’ve Done It

By
Samara Knight
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Advice for leaving an abusive relationship

Leaving an abusive relationship is an incredibly difficult and daunting task, fraught with a myriad of challenges. Victims of abuse often find themselves trapped in a cycle of manipulation, fear, and control, making it hard to see a way out.

The challenges are not just emotional but also practical—many victims face threats to their safety, financial instability, and nowhere to go. Often, abusers work to isolate their victims from their support networks, leaving them feeling utterly alone. The road to freedom can feel overwhelming, but it’s important to remember that you are not alone in this journey.

Survivors’ Wisdom on Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Survivors who have successfully navigated this treacherous path are uniquely positioned to offer guidance and support. These individuals know the challenges firsthand and have experienced the profound rewards that come from breaking free.

Many courageous individuals who have escaped abusive relationships have shared their wisdom on the Shadows of Control Facebook page, offering words of advice to those who are still trapped in situations they themselves once battled through.

Their experiences, shared openly and generously, provide hope and a roadmap to freedom for others who feel lost and powerless. They understand the fear, the doubt, and the pain, but they also know the strength it takes to leave and the peace that waits on the other side.

Practical Steps and Emotional Resilience: 20 Pieces of Advice

Here are their powerful words of advice.

1. Protect Your Identity and Self-Worth

“It’s better to lose them than to lose yourself just to try to please them. They are like an empty bucket full of holes; you can never please them no matter how much you pour into the relationship. Stop emptying your cup for them and make yourself whole again.”

2. Remember the Pain

“Write a list of every time they’ve hurt you, names they’ve called you, and the arguments they caused over nothing. These tend to be forgotten when you start to miss them. Allow yourself to miss them—that’s normal—but don’t ever go back.”

3. Take What You Can and Move Forward

“Take what you can and leave the rest. Even though it feels like it, you are NOT alone! There are people and resources out there. You can recover yourself, and that is the most important part. You can receive and have more than you can imagine. It is there for the taking when you are ready to walk towards it.”

4. Build a Support System

“Make sure you have a good support system. The more people who are willing to stand with you and beside you, the better and easier it will be to get through it.”

5. Believe in the Light Ahead

“You are beautiful, you are loved. There is light on the other side… It may be hard to see now, but you will make it. Believe me, you WILL.”

6. Strengthen Your Resolve

“Strengthen your resolve. DO NOT let them talk you out of leaving, no matter what.”

7. Stay Calm and Logical

“You can do this, and you’ll be so much happier. You can begin to truly heal once you’re out of the toxic environment. ‘Grey rock mode’ until you can get out. Stay calm and logical. Make a safety plan and get out ASAP!”

8. Don’t Look Back

“Move forward, and don’t turn around. Your future’s brighter. You’ve got no cage now. Work for your own happiness. There is not a single mask blocking your fresh air. Now breathe freely… Work for yourself!”

9. Keep Faith and Stay Strong

“Keep your head up, have faith, don’t look back. Stay strong—you’ve got this! Believe in yourself, pray, God loves you, and He will help you through your journey.”

10. Accept That It’s Okay Not to Be Okay

“It’s okay to not be okay. Let yourself feel what you’re feeling. Let loved ones help you. You may lose friends and family, but your decision is still better for your mental health.”

11. Find Inner Strength

“Stay strong and firm. You will find an inner strength and peace you never knew you were capable of. Realize that you are loved, and you just need to put yourself first. Love yourself, and the world will awaken to you. The path is hard at first, but that path takes you to a place you have only dreamed of—if you don’t turn back.”

12. Trust That It’s the Right Decision

“You will look back one day and realize this is one of the best decisions you ever made, I promise you. You might not think that way now, and you are probably full of doubt, confused, and scared, but just leave. Do it and don’t look back.”

13. Reinforce Your Decision

“Write a list of the worst experiences or events that compelled you to leave. Read it every time you are feeling sad, lonely, guilty, or being blamed—just to reinforce that you will never go back to living like that.”

14. Don’t Be Fooled by Manipulation

“Don’t allow their crocodile tears to fool you. If you’re at a point where you know it’s time to leave for your own safety, don’t question your need for survival. Once you get out, don’t look back. Allow yourself to grieve, but don’t let yourself downplay the abuse that you know you went through. Your mind and emotions will be confusing at first. It takes a lot of willpower to leave and stay gone.”

15. Cut Off All Contact

“Leave and cut off all contact. When you start to miss who you thought they were, remember the gaslighting, manipulation, the lies—the things that made you feel worthless. When you have the strength to do the right thing for yourself, this is self-love, and it’s probably what’s been missing for most of the relationship. Find yourself again and set boundaries. You’ll know who has your back, and to the rest of them… let them go.”

16. Acknowledge the Good Times, but Remember the Bad

“There will be times you look back and reflect on good times. It’s OK to still miss them and those fun times because they were, at the time, fun, and your love for them was always real. The memories you made, the laughter you shared—those were real! But remember that the darker times were also real. Don’t let them distort your memories and perception of the happier days by only recalling those fun times. They may try to spoon-feed you manufactured memories to win you back, even if it’s only for their ego. DO NOT be fooled. They’ve never protected or cared for you; they’re not starting now. You will feel sad, you’ll feel a loss, and it is absolutely a grief process! You are burying what you thought you had and the mirage of the person you loved and trusted. But like any death, you will learn to go on living. I love the saying, ‘Don’t be ashamed of your scars. It only means you were stronger than what tried to kill you.'”

17. Be Ready for the Blame

“Be ready for the blame. It’s going to be something you want to defend yourself against but keep quiet. Let them show themselves for who they really are.”

18. Trust That It Will Get Better

“It might get worse before it gets better, but it will get better. I have never regretted my decision for a second.”

19. Leave Now

“Do it! Leave now and don’t look back. Do it for yourself. You don’t deserve to be abused in any way for any reason. Leave with only what you have on if you need to.”

20. Celebrate Your Strength

“You are being your strongest and bravest self for leaving an abusive relationship. I know it isn’t easy, but you are making it possible. Your strength will inspire someone else to put an end to their agony. You are making the most valuable decision in your life—to save yourself from trauma. You are wonderful, don’t ever forget that. You are wonderful!”

Key Takeaways

The advice from survivors offers both practical and emotional strategies for those seeking to escape abusive relationships. Many emphasize the importance of maintaining a clear perspective on the abuse by documenting hurtful moments, which helps counter the tendency to romanticize the past. Building a strong support system is also crucial, as leaving is not a journey to be faced alone.

Survivors often stress the importance of self-love and reclaiming one’s identity after enduring manipulation and control. They advocate for creating a safety plan, staying calm, and resisting the abuser’s manipulative tactics. Ultimately, their collective wisdom encourages moving forward with confidence, trusting in your strength, and believing in a brighter, abuse-free future.

Featured image: Advice on leaving an abusive relationship. Source: rocketclips / Adobe Stock.

Social Workers Not Receiving Essential Coercive Control Training

By
Samara Knight
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Coercive control training for social workers

A new BBC News investigation has revealed substantial shortcomings in the training of social workers in England, especially in recognizing and dealing with coercive control, a vital component of domestic abuse. The investigation found that over a third of university social work programs in England provide no education on coercive control. Among those that do offer training, it can be as brief as one hour.

Limited Coercive Control Training in University Courses

Coercive and controlling behavior (CCB) was recognized as a criminal offense in the UK in 2015, with the intention of addressing the psychological abuse that underpins all forms of domestic violence. However, nearly a decade later, the BBC found that more than a third of accredited university social work courses in England are still not providing specific training on coercive control. Among the universities that claim to offer such training, the duration varies drastically, ranging from as little as one hour to up to 20 hours.

Freedom of Information requests sent to all 75 universities in England that train social workers revealed that 25 of the 67 respondents (37%) admitted they did not offer specific training on coercive control. Even among those that do, fewer than 10% provided a standalone course on the subject. This highlights a significant shortfall in preparing future social workers to address this critical aspect of domestic abuse.

The regulator, Social Work England, is responsible for inspecting these courses to ensure they meet professional standards for safe practice. However, the disparity in training hours and the absence of coercive control education in many programs raises concerns about the adequacy of these inspections.

Calls for Mandatory Coercive Control Training

Nicole Jacobs, the Domestic Abuse Commissioner for England and Wales, expressed her concern over the findings. Describing them as “baffling,” she called for compulsory coercive control training for all social workers.

Writing on social media platform, X, Ms Jacobs said: “Social workers need the skills to provide #DomesticAbuse victims with the right response, every single time. That’s why domestic abuse training must be mandatory for social workers, and must include #CoerciveControl”

The urgency of the situation is underscored by the rising number of coercive control offenses recorded by police in England and Wales. In the year leading up to March 2023, more than 43,000 such offenses were reported—the highest number since the law was enacted nearly ten years ago.

Social Workers Express Concern

Social worker Cintia, who has been in the field for five years, recalls the minimal training she received on domestic abuse during her university education. “I remember having a one-hour lecture on domestic abuse; I had pretty much no mention of coercive control during my training,” she told the BBC. “It didn’t prepare us for what was coming. You feel like you’re thrown into the deep end.” Cintia estimates that about 90% of her current caseload involves psychological and controlling abuse, yet her university course barely touched on the subject.

Social worker Dominika, 30, who works at Birmingham Children’s Trust, expressed her fears to the BBC. She pointed out that failing to spot coercive control could mean someone could lose their life, whether that’s a child or a victim of domestic abuse.

The Consequences of Inadequate Training

Media platform, OpenDemocracy, have revealed the real-world consequences of this training gap, which are highlighted by the case of Errica Smith*, who experienced coercive control and psychological abuse at the hands of a partner who used manipulative tactics, including secretly recording her. When social services became involved, they sided with her abuser, advocating for her son to be placed on the child protection register. Despite providing evidence of the abuse she was suffering, Errica says the social workers “refused to look at any of it.”

“I was judged and penalized by all these professional social workers that have been in the job for a long time,” she told openDemocracy. “They made me feel like I was the perpetrator.” Determined to help others avoid similar experiences, Errica enrolled in a social work degree program at the University of Salford, only to find that she received only half a day of domestic abuse training during the three-year course.

A Shocking Breach of Professional Standards

In another alarming case reported by the BBC in August 2024, a mother, referred to as ‘Hayley’, revealed that a social worker assigned to her family started a relationship with the violent and controlling father of her children and had a baby with him. Court reports detailed how Mr. Y displayed classic signs of coercive control, including isolating Hayley from her friends and family, humiliating her, and becoming threatening and violent toward her. Despite this, the social worker wrote favorable reports about Mr. Y, which enabled him to maintain visiting rights to their children.

Sefton Council, which had contracted an agency to provide the social worker, later acknowledged that the risk assessments for Mr. Y’s visits were not “sufficiently robust.” Although Hayley now has full custody of her children, and Mr. Y no longer has contact, the case underscores the severe consequences of inadequate training and oversight in social work.

As coercive control continues to be a critical factor in domestic abuse cases, the need for comprehensive, mandatory training in social work education is more urgent than ever. Without it, victims of domestic abuse remain at risk, and the effectiveness of social workers in safeguarding vulnerable individuals is severely compromised.

Featured image: Social workers not receiving coercive control training. Source: Synthex🇺🇦 / Adobe Stock.

Is Your Teen Stuck in a Toxic Relationship? Spot the Clues and Intervene!

By
Angie Doel
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Toxic teen relationships

As a parent or adult involved in an adolescent’s life, you naturally want what’s best for them, especially regarding their relationships. But teenage relationships can be complicated, intense, and sometimes toxic. Recognizing the red flags of a toxic relationship early can help prevent long-term emotional harm and guide the teen toward healthier relationships.

What is a Toxic Relationship?

A toxic relationship is one where power, respect, and emotional well-being are out of balance. Unlike healthy teen relationships, where both partners feel valued and supported, a toxic relationship often involves manipulation, control, and even emotional or physical harm. While it’s normal for teenagers to go through ups and downs in their relationships, repeated patterns of negative behavior signal something more serious that shouldn’t be ignored.

How Can You Determine if the Teen is Involved in a Toxic Relationship?

Here are some red flags and clues that your teen is involved in a toxic relationship:

1. Isolation from Friends and Family. It could signify a controlling relationship if your teenage son or daughter suddenly withdraws from friends, family, or activities they once enjoyed. Toxic individuals often attempt to isolate their partners from their support system, making it easier to control them.

2. Constant Monitoring and Jealousy. Does your teen’s partner constantly check in on them, demand to know where they are, or show excessive jealousy? Do they expect your teenager to continually share their location via Snapchat or “Find My Friends?” While some degree of jealousy can be considered normal, extreme or unfounded jealousy is a red flag because this unhealthy behavior may escalate to possessiveness and control.

3. Frequent Arguments or Drama. Healthy relationships involve conflict and disagreements, but they don’t involve constant fighting, drama, or emotional turmoil. It’s normal for adolescents to be a bit overly dramatic at times, but if the teen’s relationship is marked by frequent arguments, accusations, or emotional outbursts, it might be unhealthy. Pay attention if your teen seems anxious or upset after interactions with their partner.

4. Low Self-Esteem. Toxic relationships erode self-esteem, so if your child starts doubting their worth, constantly seeks their partner’s approval, or makes self-deprecating comments, it could indicate they’re in a harmful situation. Look for changes in their confidence, mood, and overall happiness.

5. Excessive Apologies and Blaming Themselves. Your teen may feel the need to apologize constantly or take the blame for things that aren’t their fault. This behavior often stems from a partner manipulating them into feeling responsible for every problem.

6. Fear of Their Partner’s Reactions. If your teenager seems afraid to upset their partner or is walking on eggshells around them, this is a serious concern. Fear is never part of a healthy relationship. This fear can manifest in making excuses for their partner’s behavior or altogether avoiding specific topics.

7. Changes in Appearance or Behavior. Adolescence is a period when attention to physical appearance naturally increases, but abrupt changes in your teen’s look, such as dressing differently or altering their hairstyle to please their partner, could indicate an unhealthy influence. Additionally, if your teen’s behavior changes drastically, such as becoming more secretive or defensive, it might be a sign of trouble.

How to Help Your Teen

If you suspect a teen you care about is in a toxic relationship, approach the situation with care and support. Here are some steps you can take:

Start by expressing your concerns in a loving and non-judgmental way. Let your child know that you’re there to listen and support them. Avoid criticizing their partner directly, as this can make your teenager defensive and less likely to open up.

Help your teen understand what a healthy relationship looks like. Discuss the importance of mutual respect, trust, and communication. Encourage them to set boundaries and recognize their self-worth.

Remind your teen of the importance of maintaining friendships, hobbies, and interests outside their relationship. Encourage them to spend time with supportive friends and family who uplift them.

If the situation is severe or your teen is struggling to leave the toxic relationship, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor. A professional can give your teenager the tools to manage their emotions and make healthy decisions.

Leaving a toxic relationship can be challenging, especially for teenagers who may feel confused or conflicted. Be patient and continue offering your support, even if your child isn’t ready to make a change immediately.

Conclusion

Watching a teenager navigate relationships isn’t easy, especially if you suspect they’re entangled in a toxic one. By staying vigilant, communicating openly, and offering unconditional support, you can help your teen recognize the signs of a toxic relationship and empower them to make healthier choices. Remember, your role is to guide, support, and help them build the confidence they need to seek and maintain healthy relationships.

Featured image: Toxic teen relationships. Source: highwaystarz / Adobe Stock.

Verbal Abuse Disguised as Jokes, Sarcasm, and Humor

By
Charlotte Bragg
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Verbal abuse disguised as jokes

Many would agree that humor is an important element of any loving relationship. Having a laugh about each other’s quirks or giving each other playful nicknames are both fun ways to bond and build a deeper connection. However, some ‘jokes’ just aren’t funny.

If you’ve ever felt self-conscious when your partner makes a comment on your appearance that they claim was in jest, or been told that you’re ‘too sensitive’ when you get upset about their sarcastic remarks, your partner may be using jokes as a form of verbal abuse. This abusive behaviour is particularly difficult to detect, however it’s often the first sign of verbal abuse. So how can you know when your partner’s humor is crossing the line?

How to Recognise Verbal Abuse Disguised as Jokes

Abusive jokes are essentially insults or threats in disguise and are often used to put someone down and then make them doubt their own emotional responses. Such humor is designed to subtly increase the perpetrator’s power and control in the relationship.

However, the normality of jokes, sarcasm and humor in most relationships make jokes as a form of verbal abuse difficult to notice, making it important to understand the signs that your partner’s jokes have gone too far. Here are some of the warning signs to look out for:

Jokes in Public Settings

If your partner makes comments about your appearance, abilities, or personality in front of others, it can be both embarrassing and humiliating. They might say things like, “I’m surprised you didn’t mess that up, you usually do”.  

They may also joke about you to others while you’re present. For example, they may say, “Their cooking is, well, let’s just say we keep the takeaway menus handy for a reason!”

If you appear uncomfortable or upset, they may publicly draw attention to your insecurities, laughing at your discomfort and calling you ‘too sensitive’ or ‘unable to take a joke’.

Abusive individuals will often downplay your reactions and use them as a way to undermine your feelings. This behavior can create a dynamic where you feel unable to speak up or challenge their remarks. They may also act like you’re crazy when you show your emotions, highlighting your response to the group and labelling it as ‘irrational’. This gaslighting is a particularly insidious tactic as it is a sign that they will use this as ammunition to turn others against you, should you ever challenge or confront their behaviour.

Using Jokes to Target Your Concerns or Vulnerabilities

Have you ever shared something that makes you uncomfortable or expressed a concern, only to have your partner make a joke about it? For example, you may have spoken out against sexism, and they’ve responded with comments like, “What would you know? Women just belong in the kitchen, right?” dismissing your values with negative humour.

Abusers will also use jokes or sarcasm to target your vulnerabilities. For example, if you confide in them about feeling insecure about your weight, they may later slip in a comment like, “Careful, you’ll tip the scales!” turning your vulnerability into the punchline of their joke. This is a clear example of verbal abuse disguised as a joke. Such behavior undermines your feelings and exploits your insecurities, allowing them to exert control and belittle you under the guise of humor.

Derogatory Pet Names

In her book, Living with the Dominator, Pat Craven, a qualified social worker and probation officer, describes how pet names can be a form of verbal abuse. These nicknames or so-called ‘terms of endearment’ may seem playful on the surface but often carry a negative undertone. Consider, for example, ‘little miss perfect’. While it might seem light-hearted at first, it can be used to belittle you, mocking your attention to detail or adherence to rules. Other examples include ‘My little helper,’ which implies you’re only capable of minor, insignificant tasks; ‘Big Shot,’ which dismisses you as overconfident; or ‘Giggles,’ which trivializes your laughter or happiness as silly or unimportant.

Your partner may even use sexual nicknames like “Baby Doll”, “Kitten”, or “Sexy Legs”, which  make you feel uncomfortable or objectified. These are often names you’ve specifically asked them not to use. The continuous use of these derogatory nicknames signals that their ‘humor’ is a deliberate tactic to belittle you and assert dominance through emotional abuse.

Threatening Jokes

Threatening jokes are another disturbing form of verbal abuse disguised as a joke. This is where humor is used to intimidate or instill fear. These ‘jokes’ often involve violent scenarios or threats disguised as humor, which can leave the victim feeling scared and unsafe.

For instance, your partner might joke about pushing you off a cliff when you’re standing near a ledge, laughing it off as a harmless joke. However, later, when you’re alone, they might go into more detail, describing how they could make it look like an accident. In another example, a partner might pretend to throw a punch at you, stopping just short of hitting you, and then laugh, saying, “Relax, I was just kidding!”

These kinds of jokes are designed to keep you on edge, making you question your reactions and sense of safety. They blur the lines between humor and threat, using fear as a tool to exert control and maintain power over you.

Jokes, sarcasm, and humor should never make you feel uncomfortable or belittled. Real relationships are built on respect, empathy, and kindness. If you notice your partner’s jokes crossing the line and making you feel unsafe or devalued, trust your feelings and recognize these signs. Reach out to trusted friends or family for support and consider having a safety plan in place. Remember, you deserve to feel safe and respected in your relationship.

References

Craven, P. (2008). Living with the Dominator.  Freedom Publishing, United Kingdom.

Graff, M. The Importance of Humor in Long-Term Relationships. Psychology Today.

Holly, K. J. (2023). Verbal Abuse Disguised as a Joke. Verbal Abuse Journals.

Featured image: Verbal abuse disguised as a joke. Source: Prostock-studio / Adobe Stock.

Man Used Car Tracker and Bugging Device in Disturbing Campaign of Stalking

By
Samara Knight
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Michael Hampton

A 32-year-old man from England has been sentenced to four years in prison after waging a relentless campaign of stalking against his former partner. Michael Hampton, of Harlow, Essex, admitted to one count of stalking involving serious alarm and one count of assault by beating. The disturbing details of his obsessive behavior were revealed during his sentencing at Peterborough Crown Court, where he was also handed an indefinite restraining order prohibiting any contact with the victim.

A Campaign of Fear and Intimidation

According to the BBC, Hampton’s actions between July 2023 and January 2024 left his ex-partner living in constant fear. According to Hertfordshire Police, Hampton spied on the victim more than 600 times by planting a listening device in her home in Hitchin, Hertfordshire. His obsession didn’t stop there—Hampton also wired a tracker into the fuse box of her car, allowing him to monitor her daily movements.

The extent of Hampton’s fixation was further highlighted on 17 July 2023, when he followed the woman in his car. When she attempted to escape, Hampton physically assaulted her, grabbing and pushing her in a terrifying encounter. This incident was one of many in a pattern of controlling and abusive behavior that escalated after the breakdown of their relationship.

The impact of Hampton’s stalking on the victim has been profound. Detective Inspector Samantha Alcock from Hertfordshire Constabulary’s domestic abuse investigation support unit underscored the severity of the psychological damage caused by Hampton’s actions. “His obsessive behaviour caused the victim to live in fear, and this has understandably had a detrimental and psychological impact on her. I hope she will be able to start rebuilding her life now that Hampton is behind bars,” said DI Alcock [via Hertfordshire Police].

Stalking is closely linked to domestic violence, with many stalkers being former intimate partners who cannot accept the end of a relationship. This form of abuse is characterized by persistent and unwanted attention that can include following, monitoring, and making threats. The psychological impact on victims is often severe, leading to anxiety, depression, and a constant sense of fear.

The risk of escalation from stalking to physical violence is significant. Studies have indicated that a substantial proportion of domestic homicides are preceded by stalking behavior. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), 76% of women murdered by an intimate partner were stalked beforehand. Furthermore, 89% of women who were physically assaulted by their abuser had also experienced stalking in the year before the assault. This highlights the importance of taking stalking as a warning sign of potential lethal violence.

The Role of Technology in Modern Stalking

In the digital age, technology has made it easier for stalkers to monitor and harass their victims. Devices such as GPS trackers, hidden cameras, and listening devices allow abusers to invade their victims’ privacy in ways that were previously unimaginable. In Hampton’s case, the use of a car tracker and a bugging device exemplifies how technology can be weaponized to exert control and instill fear.

Law enforcement agencies and advocacy groups are increasingly aware of the role that technology plays in modern stalking. Efforts are being made to educate the public and provide resources to help victims protect themselves from tech-enabled abuse. However, the challenge remains significant. As technology continues to evolve, so too must the strategies to protect victims and hold perpetrators accountable for their actions.

Featured image: Michael Hampton was jailed for stalking. Source: Hertfordshire Constabulary.

The Silent Treatment: A Toxic Tool of Control

By
Angie Doel
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Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is a common response in many relationships, but what might seem like a momentary pause or cooling-off period can be much more harmful. When used as a way to control, punish, or manipulate someone, the silent treatment becomes a powerful form of emotional abuse. Understanding what the silent treatment is, when it crosses the line into abuse, and the various ways it impacts individuals can help you recognize and address this destructive behavior.

What Is The Silent Treatment?

The silent treatment occurs when one person intentionally ignores or refuses to communicate with another person for an extended period of time. This can happen in any type of relationship—romantic, familial, or professional—and often leaves the recipient feeling isolated, confused, and hurt. The silent treatment, otherwise known as stonewalling, might involve complete silence, avoiding eye contact, or refusing to acknowledge the other person’s existence.

While sometimes taking a break from conflict is necessary, the silent treatment is not about taking time to cool off or gather thoughts. Instead, it’s a deliberate tactic used to express displeasure, punish, or assert power over another person.

When is Silence Abusive—And When Is It Healthy?

Silence in relationships isn’t always a bad thing. There are moments when taking a step back and giving each other space is healthy and necessary. For example, in the heat of an argument, a temporary pause allows both parties to cool down and return to the discussion with clear minds. This type of silence is temporary, often agreed upon, and meant to build better communication and increase understanding.

However, silence becomes abusive when it’s used to control or manipulate another person. Here are some signs that silence has crossed into abusive territory.

  1. Longer Duration. Healthy silence is temporary and purposeful. The silent treatment, however, can last for hours, days, or even weeks, leaving the other person uncertain and anxious.
  2. Unkind Intentions. If stonewalling is used to deliberately hurt or punish another person, it’s abusive. The silent treatment is often employed to make the recipient feel guilty, ashamed, anxious, or desperate for the abuser’s attention.
  3. Power and Control. By withholding communication, the abuser forces the recipient to bend to their will, often causing the recipient to apologize or give in, even when they aren’t in the wrong.
  4. Repeated Pattern. Occasional silence in response to overwhelming emotions is understandable, but when the silent treatment becomes a pattern, it’s a form of emotional abuse. Repeatedly using silence to manipulate or punish someone is deeply damaging.
  5. Isolation. The silent treatment can isolate the recipient from emotional support, making them feel alone and disconnected—eroding their self-esteem and making them more dependent on the abuser for validation and communication.
  6. Emotional Withholding. When stonewalling is used to withhold affection, reassurance, or emotional support, it becomes abusive. This tactic can leave the recipient feeling unloved, confused, and desperate for any sign of approval or validation from the abuser.

How Is the Silent Treatment Abusive?

This type of emotional abuse may have severe and lasting effects. Here’s how it harms the recipient:

  • Increases Isolation and Loneliness. The silent treatment isolates the recipient, making them feel alone and abandoned. This isolation can be particularly painful in close relationships, where communication and connection are vital. The victim may feel cut off from the person they care about, leading to hopelessness and despair.
  • Undermines Self-Esteem. The silent treatment leaves the recipient questioning their worth and value. When someone you care about suddenly stops speaking to you without explanation, it can damage your confidence and self-esteem. You may start to believe you’ve done something wrong or that you’re not worthy of love and attention.
  • Creates Anxiety and Uncertainty. The silent treatment creates an environment of uncertainty. The recipient wonders what they did wrong, how long the silence will last, and what the person thinks. This constant state of anxiety is mentally exhausting and emotionally draining, leading to stress and even depression.
  • Forces Compliance. The silent treatment is a powerful tool for manipulation. By withholding communication, the abuser forces the recipient to make amends or comply with their demands, often out of fear of being ignored. This form of control makes the recipient feel powerless and trapped in the relationship.
  • Erodes Trust and Communication. Healthy relationships are built on trust and open communication. The silent treatment erodes both, creating a toxic environment where the victim feels they cannot rely on or communicate with the abuser. Over time, this lack of trust and communication can destroy the relationship entirely.
  • Causes Emotional and Psychological Harm. The silent treatment is not just about ignoring someone; it’s about inflicting emotional pain. The recipient may feel hurt, rejected, and unloved, leading to emotional wounds. In some cases, the psychological impact of stonewalling can be as damaging as physical abuse.

The Impact of the Silent Treatment

The effects of the silent treatment can be far-reaching and long-lasting. Victims of this form of emotional abuse often experience anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and feelings of hopelessness. This strain can also damage relationships beyond repair, and the victim may carry the emotional scars into future relationships. Additionally, the stress associated with the silent treatment can manifest physically, causing issues such as headaches, digestive problems, and even heart disease, highlighting the profound impact this behavior can have on overall well-being.

Recognizing the signs of abusive silence and understanding its impact can help you protect yourself and others from this harmful behavior. Remember, healthy relationships are built on open communication, mutual respect, and trust—qualities the silent treatment undermines. If you are receiving the silent treatment, addressing the issue, seeking support, and taking steps to protect your emotional well-being are essential.

References

Agarwal, S. & Prakash, N. (2022). When Silence Speaks: Exploring Reasons for the Silent Treatment from the Perspective of Source, International Journal of Trends in Scientific Research and Development, (6, 3), 1458.

Hughes, Nellie. (2024). Surviving Narcissist’s Silent Treatment and Stonewalling: Breaking the Chains of Silence. A Guide to Overcoming Narcissistic Silent Treatment and Stonewalling for Personal Empowerment and Healing.

Featured image: Silent treatment. Source: Home-stock / Adobe Stock.

Reproductive Abuse and Coercion: Identifying the Tactics

By
Charlotte Bragg
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Reproductive abuse

Differences in family planning and sexual health decisions are common in relationships, but some individuals use these matters to control their partners and influence their reproductive choices. If your partner pressures you about your choices regarding continuing or ending a pregnancy, or tries to influence your use of contraception, they may be engaging in a form of abuse known as reproductive abuse.

This lesser-known form of abuse can have serious consequences on the emotional health and personal autonomy of those who experience it, making it extremely important for you to identify the signs of it as early as you can.

What is Reproductive Abuse?

Reproductive abuse refers to any attempt to control any aspect of an individual’s reproductive choices.

The most severe forms of reproductive abuse are rape and sexual assault. However, this malicious form of abuse includes a wide spectrum of behaviours, including attempting to impregnate a partner against their wishes, coercing a partner to have unprotected sex, or interfering with contraception.

Some forms of reproductive coercion can be very subtle and hard to detect. So how can you tell if you are experiencing reproductive abuse?

The various behaviors are detailed below to help you identify the warning signs.

1. Physically pressuring or forcing

Rape and sexual abuse are overt physical acts of reproductive abuse, but perpetrators may also use other forms of violence and intimidation to pressure you into having sex, complying with their demands regarding contraception, or making decisions about continuing or terminating a pregnancy.

These tactics can include actions such as pushing or shoving, throwing and breaking objects, raising a fist in a threatening manner, slamming doors, invading your personal space, blocking your way, or physically restraining you to prevent you from leaving. In more extreme cases, this abuse might involve spiking your food or drink with medication that causes miscarriage or abortion, or physically harming you in a way that leads to pregnancy termination.

2. Threatening

If your partner threatens to harm you, break up with you, or cheat on you if you do not comply with their requests or demands regarding contraception, sex, or pregnancy, they are using coercion and intimidation in attempt to control your choices.

3. Guilt-tripping

Guilt-tripping is one of the more subtle ways in which reproductive abuse is perpetrated. Whilst it’s normal for couples to have differing opinions about sexual matters, you should not be made to feel guilty for your own reproductive choices.

If your partner guilt-trips you for your decision to use or not use contraception, or for your decision to continue or terminate a pregnancy, or if they make you feel wrong for not wanting to have unprotected sex with them, they are undermining your reproductive autonomy.

They may tell you that condoms don’t feel nice, hormonal birth control will make you moody or that you wouldn’t worry about getting pregnant if you loved them. They might even suggest that your concerns about contraception or pregnancy are selfish or irrational and even involve your friends and family or faith to reinforce these notions. These are all tactics designed to manipulate your decisions and diminish your sense of control over your own reproductive health.

4. Tampering with Birth Control

A controlling partner may sabotage birth control to ensure sex is unprotected, even without your knowledge. They may hide, swap, or destroy contraceptive pills and patches or poke holes in condoms. They may even remove a condom without informing you, committing an act known as ‘stealthing’ which is punishable by law in some countries.

A perpetrator may also lie to you about being on contraception, or promise that they will withdraw during sex, only to fail to do so, perhaps using excuses like being “swept away by the moment”. Each of these behaviours are tactics of reproductive abuse and should not be taken lightly.

5. Blocking Access to Reproductive Care

Perpetrators might block your access to contraceptives or to abortions by refusing to provide transportation to appointments, withdrawing financial support, or deliberately providing you with misleading or incorrect medical advice. For example, they may tell you that contraceptives are bad for your health or try to convince you that you’re legally unable to access contraceptives or abortions, leading you to feel that your concerns around birth control are exaggerated.

6. Sexual Health Coercion

If your partner has deliberately or knowingly put you at risk of contracting a sexual health condition, then they are perpetrating reproductive abuse. If a partner fails to inform you of any sexual health conditions that they have prior to having sex with you, which may include them sleeping with others without getting tested whilst continuing to engage in sexual acts with you whilst unsure of their sexual health status, they are putting your health at risk beyond your knowledge.

Additionally, if they retaliate against you or perpetrate further forms of abuse against you when you disclose a positive result to them, then they are abusing their power and your trust which is never ok.

Reclaiming you Reproductive Autonomy

Reproductive coercion can occur in any relationship, whether already abusive or seemingly healthy. Regardless of your circumstances, if you recognize any signs of reproductive abuse in your relationship, it is vital to seek support. This abuse can have serious detrimental impact on your mental and physical wellbeing, and you deserve to make decisions about your reproductive health without fear or guilt.

For support, reach out to trusted friends, family members, or professional resources like counsellors, domestic abuse hotlines, or reproductive health services. You can also contact your primary healthcare provider, such as your GP, for support if you’d like to access professional care without raising your partner’s suspicions.

You have the right to make decisions about your body and reproductive health free from fear or intimidation. Taking action to protect yourself and seeking support is a crucial step toward reclaiming your autonomy and ensuring your well-being. 

References

Moulton, J., Corona, M. Vaughan, C. and Bohren, M. (2021). Women’s perceptions and experiences of reproductive coercion and abuse: a qualitative evidence synthesis. PLOS ONE.

Rape Crisis England & Wales. What is Stealthing? Available at: https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-stealthing/

Willie, T. et al., (2020). Birth Control Sabotage as a Correlate of Women’s Sexual Health Risk: An Exploratory Study. Womens Health Issues, 31(2), 157-163.

Featured image: Pregnancy coercion is abuse. Source: JustLife / Adobe Stock.

Former Australian Cricketer Michael Slater Denied Bail Over Domestic Abuse and Stalking

By
Samara Knight
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Michael Slater

Former Australian Test cricketer and cricket commentator Michael Slater has been denied bail for the second time this year, remaining in custody over a series of domestic violence charges. Slater, aged 54, faces 25 serious charges, including assault, strangulation, and unlawful stalking, related to a series of alleged incidents spanning several months, from December 2023 to April 2024.

According to The Independent, Slater’s alleged conduct involves not only physical violence but also a range of controlling and emotionally abusive behavior, highlighting the multifaceted nature of domestic abuse. The Brisbane Supreme Court’s decision to refuse bail underscores the severity and persistence of the allegations against Slater.

Pattern of Control and Intimidation

The charges against Slater paint a disturbing picture of a pattern of control and intimidation. Police allege that Slater subjected the woman to a sustained campaign of abuse. Among the most alarming allegations is that Slater assaulted the woman, including an incident where he is accused of choking her, causing bruising to her neck and restricting her breathing.

The Daily Mail reports that, beyond the physical abuse, Slater is accused of engaging in a sustained campaign of emotional torment. He allegedly bombarded the woman with hundreds of abusive and degrading messages, sometimes sending over 100 texts in a single day. These messages reportedly included derogatory language, with Slater calling the woman a “c**,” “escort,” “liar,” and “sl*t” repeatedly. This verbal abuse was coupled with threats of self-harm, a tactic often used in domestic abuse situations as a form of emotional blackmail to manipulate and control the victim.

Invasion of Privacy and Stalking Behavior

In addition to the verbal and physical abuse, Slater allegedly engaged in stalking and invasive surveillance. Police allege that in March 2024, Slater accessed the woman’s home security system, manipulating a CCTV camera on her front porch to face into her home. This act of turning the camera inward not only violated the woman’s privacy but also served as a method of intimidation, a way for Slater to assert control even when not physically present.

This alleged invasion of privacy is a key aspect of the broader pattern of stalking behavior attributed to Slater. Unlawful stalking, as defined in legal terms, often involves a combination of persistent and unwanted attention that causes the victim to feel harassed, intimidated, or fearful. Slater’s stalking behavior contributed to the judge’s concerns about the risk of further offending if he were released on bail.

A History of Abuse and Mental Health Struggles

Slater’s legal troubles are not new. The former cricketer has faced multiple domestic violence charges in recent years, highlighting an ongoing pattern of violent and abusive behavior. In late 2022, he was sentenced to a two-year community corrections order by a Sydney court after pleading guilty to charges including common assault. Despite this sentence, Slater’s alleged behavior continued, culminating in the current charges.

The court acknowledged Slater’s long history of mental health issues, including diagnoses of ADHD, major depressive disorder, insomnia, alcohol use disorder, and borderline personality disorder (BPD). A core characteristic of BPD is an intense fear of abandonment, which can lead individuals to engage in desperate or manipulative behaviors to avoid being left alone. These behaviors might include controlling actions, emotional manipulation, uncontrolled rage, and stalking.

Slater’s defense argued that his actions were closely linked to his alcohol use disorder and that he would benefit from being released to attend a rehabilitation facility in Sydney. However, Justice Paul Freeburn rejected this argument, emphasizing the severity and persistence of the alleged offenses. The court expressed concerns that Slater’s release posed an unacceptable risk to the victim, particularly given the prolonged nature of the abuse.

The seriousness of the charges against Slater, combined with his history of similar offenses, led the Brisbane Supreme Court to refuse his bail application. This decision follows an earlier denial of bail in April, during which Slater reportedly collapsed in court and had to be assisted by prison officers.

The charges against Slater could result in significant legal consequences for the former cricketer, whose career as a sportsman and commentator has already been marred by controversy.

Featured image: Michael Slater. Source: YouTube Screenshot / 9 News Australia.

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