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Why Alcohol and Drug Use Doesn’t Explain or Excuse Domestic Abuse

By
Angie Doel
-
Alcohol and domestic abuse

One of the most persistent myths surrounding domestic abuse is the belief that alcohol or substance use is a cause—or at least a reasonable explanation—for abusive behavior. While alcohol and drugs can exacerbate abusive behavior, they do not justify or excuse it.

The root cause of domestic abuse is not found in intoxication but in the underlying beliefs, entitlements, and attitudes of the abuser. It’s important to dismantle these myths, as they perpetuate harmful narratives that shift responsibility away from the abuser and minimize the victim’s suffering. This article aims to debunk the myth that alcohol and other substance use lead to domestic violence, emphasizing that abuse is a deliberate choice stemming from deeper attitudes rather than a consequence of substance use.

The Myth of Alcohol and Drug Use as a Cause for Domestic Abuse

It’s a common misconception that alcohol and drug use are direct causes of domestic abuse. People often hear statements like, “He’s only abusive when he’s drunk,” or “The drugs make her act crazy!” These assumptions lead many to believe that if substance use were eliminated, the abusive behavior would vanish as well. However, this is not the case.

Substance use can certainly intensify situations and contribute to heightened emotional states, but it doesn’t create the controlling, manipulative, and harmful attitudes at the core of abusive behavior. Domestic abuse stems from a need to assert power and control over a partner. While alcohol or drugs may lower inhibitions, they do not implant abusive ideologies into someone’s psyche. The underlying motivations—entitlement, possessiveness, and a belief that one has the right to dominate another—are the real drivers of domestic abuse.

Alcohol and Drug Abuse Doesn’t Explain Violence

One of the most dangerous myths about domestic abuse is that alcohol or drugs can “explain” the violence or other forms of abuse. This myth serves to reduce the perpetrator’s responsibility as if they’re merely a victim of addiction rather than an aggressor choosing to harm their partner. This narrative gives abusers a built-in excuse, one that can keep victims trapped in a cycle of blame-shifting and denial.

Abuse, whether physical, emotional, sexual, or psychological, is a choice. An individual under the influence might be more volatile, but this doesn’t remove their agency or responsibility. People who use alcohol or drugs don’t universally become violent; many substance users don’t abuse their partners. So why do some become abusive while others do not? The answer lies in the mindset and the beliefs they carry into their relationships.

Beliefs and Entitlement: The True Cause of Domestic Abuse

At the core of domestic abuse is a set of beliefs that allow the abuser to rationalize their harmful behavior. These include notions of superiority, entitlement to control, and a lack of respect for the victim’s autonomy. An abusive partner often believes they have the right to dictate their partner’s actions, emotions, and choices. When their sense of control is threatened—whether because of stress, perceived disrespect, or other triggers—this entitlement can manifest in violence or manipulation.

Alcohol and drugs don’t create these beliefs; they can simply amplify the behaviors that arise from them. For example, an abuser might justify their behavior by saying, “I was drunk. I didn’t mean it.” But if the abusive beliefs weren’t already present, the alcohol would not magically generate the intent to control or hurt their partner. The abuser uses substances as a convenient scapegoat to avoid accountability, further reinforcing their pattern of manipulation.

How Substance Use Can Worsen Abusive Behavior

Although substance abuse does not explain or excuse domestic abuse, it can worsen the behavior. Intoxication may lower the abuser’s inhibitions, making them more likely to act on their impulses.

Drugs and alcohol impair judgment, reduce emotional regulation, and increase aggression, leading to more severe or frequent abusive incidents. A heightened state of volatility creates an even more dangerous environment for the victim, making it harder for them to predict or avoid the abuser’s attacks.

In some cases, the presence of substance use can become part of the abusive dynamic. For example, an abuser might force their partner to take drugs or drink, using substances as a tool to further control and manipulate them. In other cases, the abuser might threaten or blame the victim for their substance use, using it as another form of emotional abuse. These complex dynamics illustrate that while alcohol and drugs may worsen the severity of abuse, they are not the root cause.

Breaking the Cycle of Excuses

Recognize that substance use does not exist in isolation when it comes to domestic abuse. The abusive partner’s actions often reflect a history of manipulative behavior long before any substances are involved. The key to stopping the abuse is to challenge the abuser’s attitudes and beliefs about power, control, and relationships.

Rehabilitation programs that focus solely on substance use without addressing the underlying abusive behaviors fail to prevent future violence. Similarly, if a victim believes that substance use is the sole cause of their partner’s abuse, they may be more inclined to stay in the relationship, thinking that sobriety will solve the problem. This is rarely the case, as the abuse stems from deep-rooted attitudes that must be confronted through accountability, therapy, and behavior change.

Substance Use as a Manipulation Tool

The abuser may use their substance use—or the victim’s substance use—as a tool for control. They might say things like, “If you didn’t stress me out, I wouldn’t have to drink,” or, “You know I only get angry when I’ve had too much to drink.” These statements are manipulative, placing the blame on the victim for the abuser’s behavior rather than the abuser taking responsibility for their actions.

The abuser may deliberately keep their partner in a state of confusion or fear, using their substance use to maintain control. They may even deny their abusive behavior afterward, claiming they don’t remember because they were too intoxicated. In these cases, substance abuse becomes part of a broader strategy of coercion and manipulation, not an explanation for the violence.

While alcohol and substance use can exacerbate abusive behavior, they do not explain, justify, or excuse it. Domestic abuse is rooted in the abuser’s beliefs about power, control, and entitlement, not in their substance use. It’s crucial to separate these two issues to hold abusers fully accountable for their actions. The focus should be on addressing the underlying causes of abuse—manipulative attitudes, entitlement, and a desire for control—rather than allowing alcohol or drugs to serve as a convenient excuse. Only by confronting these beliefs can we begin to break the cycle of domestic violence.

References

Caetano, R., Schafer, J., & Cunradi, C. B. (2001). Alcohol-related intimate partner violence among white, black, and Hispanic couples in the United States. Alcohol Research & Health, 25(1), 58–65.

Soper, R. (2014). Intimate Partner Violence and Co-Occurring Substance Abuse/Addiction. American Society of Addiction Medicine.

Featured image: Alcohol and domestic abuse. Source: terovesalainen / Adobe Stock.

Young Mother Exposes Campaign of Control by Abusive Boyfriend

By
Samara Knight
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Josephine Bell suffered abuse at the hands of Joshua Turner

A young mother, Josephine Bell, from Faversham, England, has bravely shared her harrowing story of enduring emotional blackmail and coercive control at the hands of her former partner, Joshua Turner, 25. Turner’s controlling behavior left Bell isolated, frightened, and physically harmed.

Coercive Control and Isolation

According to KentOnline, Josephine Bell, 22, described how Turner systematically isolated her from her family and friends by confiscating her phone, cutting off her access to support. He accused her of infidelity, though she rarely left their Canterbury flat. This pattern of jealousy and control extended to forbidding her from speaking to male friends and frequently accusing her of cheating without any evidence. Bell revealed that Turner made every effort to control her life, using emotional blackmail to keep her trapped in the relationship.

In court, prosecutor Victoria Aked detailed the various ways in which Turner manipulated Bell. He would go as far as threatening suicide if she tried to break up with him, instilling a deep sense of fear and responsibility for his wellbeing. This form of emotional blackmail became a weapon Turner wielded to maintain his coercive control over her.

Threats of Violence and Physical Abuse

The level of control escalated to violent threats, with one chilling incident standing out. During a walk by a river, Turner threatened Bell by saying, “That’s where I’ll bury your body if I kill you.” He did not stop at verbal threats; Turner also physically abused Bell by dragging her from room to room by her wrists, leaving bruises she felt compelled to hide from her colleagues.

Bell explained that she often felt scared of her partner and was regularly forced into silence. After each violent episode, Turner would apologize and make it impossible for her to reach out for help by confiscating her phone, hiding it in places she couldn’t access. This constant control over her ability to communicate left Bell isolated and trapped in a cycle of fear, guilt, and confusion.

Red Flags and Emotional Manipulation

Bell shared that, in hindsight, there were early warning signs or “red flags” in the relationship that she didn’t recognize at the time. An ex-girlfriend of Turner’s reached out early in their relationship, warning Bell of his abusive tendencies. However, Bell initially dismissed it as jealousy. It wasn’t until the emotional blackmail, threats, and physical abuse intensified that she understood how deeply Turner manipulated her.

Bell also recalled that Turner’s apologies were part of a manipulative cycle designed to confuse her. He alternated between cruel behavior and emotional pleas for forgiveness, a tactic common in coercive control dynamics. After every incident of violence or emotional abuse, Turner would make promises to change, only to repeat the behavior again. This pattern left Bell in a state of constant uncertainty and self-blame, wondering what she could have done differently.

Conviction and Relief

Following months of coercion, Turner was arrested and charged with controlling and coercive behavior, as well as assault by beating. He is due to be sentenced at Folkestone Magistrates’ Court in October.  

Speaking after his arrest, Bell expressed relief, hoping that her story would encourage other domestic abuse victims to come forward. She revealed the emotional toll the relationship had taken on her, including suffering panic attacks and nightmares after the abuse ended. Bell also shared the difficulty of explaining the sudden absence of her abusive partner to her young son, who had been used to seeing Turner regularly.

Bell’s story highlights the insidious nature of coercive control. It sheds light on how abusers can trap their victims in fear, manipulating them through threats, isolation, and emotional abuse. Bell now urges others in similar situations to speak out. She emphasizes that there are resources available, and that victims do not have to suffer in silence.

Featured image: Representational image of abuse victim. Source: Masson / Adobe Stock.

What Coercive Control Looks Like – 20 Real-Life Examples from Victims

By
Samara Knight
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What coercive control looks like

Coercive control is often subtle and insidious, making it difficult for victims to recognize and explain to others. Unlike overt physical abuse, coercive control slowly chips away at a person’s sense of self through emotional manipulation, isolation, and the erosion of personal freedoms. Victims often feel trapped in a web of rules that shift and change, making it impossible to predict what will set their abuser off.

Coercive Control in Daily Life

Coercive control takes many forms: limiting freedom of movement, monitoring communications, financial control, and undermining self-worth. Over time, victims lose not only their autonomy but also their identity. Here, survivors of coercive control share their personal experiences, offering insight into what coercive control really looks like and how this form of abuse can affect every facet of life.

1. Undermining My Confidence

“He would scream in my face until I couldn’t argue back anymore. Then, if I made a minor mistake, like folding a towel the ‘wrong’ way, he’d explode, calling me an awful person. No apology was ever good enough for him, and I eventually stopped standing up for myself.”

2. Mocking My Interests

“It was easier to let him watch whatever he wanted. If I tried to watch my shows, he’d make fun of them or talk over them. Over time, I just gave in to avoid the conflict.”

3. Controlling My Appearance

“He told me how to wear my hair and that I shouldn’t wear short clothes because ‘other people shouldn’t see my body.’ It got to the point where I couldn’t even go out with friends without him making a comment.”

4. Emotional Blackmail

“Whenever I needed something or wanted to discuss an issue in our relationship, he’d threaten to kill himself. It became impossible to communicate, and I always ended up feeling like it was my fault.”

5. Accusations and Surveillance

“Despite working from home and being with him almost all the time, he would constantly accuse me of cheating. I’d show him my phone, but he’d refuse to look. He wanted to believe I was guilty, regardless of the truth.”

6. Gaslighting My Reality

“He claimed all his actions were out of concern for my well-being, but it felt like he was controlling every aspect of my life. I began to lose my sense of reality, unsure if I was the problem or if he was manipulating me.”

7. Subtle Emotional Digs

“It wasn’t outright abuse but small comments that slowly chipped away at my self-esteem. These ‘jokes’ weren’t funny—they were domestic abuse, disguised as humor.”

8. Silent Surrender

“He rarely told me outright, ‘You’re not allowed to do this,’ but the shaming, fights, and depressive episodes (from him) that followed made doing anything hardly worth it. I stifled myself dramatically just to avoid conflict. I stopped seeing friends and family, stopped wearing nail polish, stopped running, stopped doing hobbies that ‘didn’t make money,’ stopped dressing up, stopped washing my hair regularly, and stopped baking. All these simple things that most people take for granted — I avoided them just to escape his inevitable reaction.”

9. Sex and Financial Control

“He used sex as a weapon, withholding it when he was angry or using it to punish me. On top of that, he controlled all the finances, leaving me with no options.”

10. Public Shaming

“In front of family and friends, he’d belittle me, call me a servant, and criticize my cooking. It was constant humiliation, but I felt trapped because I had no escape.”

11. No Right Choice

“I had a pair of jeans that fit me perfectly and were similar to what other moms wore. But every time I put them on, my husband called me a ‘whore’ and worse. I eventually threw them away, but when he found them, he made a big deal about taking them back, only for the cycle to repeat when I wore them again. It was a constant pattern of shame and manipulation.”

12. Jealousy About Male Friends

“I was told in the very beginning that I should not have male friends. He would get mad if I ran into old high school male friends or mentioned a male friend I had known for years. One time, he even moved my chair away from a guy I was sitting next to during a game night with friends because he said I was too close.”

13. Dictating My Looks

“At first, he complimented me by saying I didn’t need makeup or hair dye, but that evolved into forbidding me from using them altogether because he wanted me to look worse than him.”

14. Constantly Changing the Rules

“Every time I started to feel in control of my life, he’d change the rules. It felt like I was always back at square one, questioning everything I did.”

15. Discouraging My Independence

“He discouraged me from applying for jobs, claiming he didn’t want me working with other men. He even controlled my finances, even though I paid most of the bills.”

16. Constant Criticism

“I did more than my share of the household chores, but every time I mentioned it, I was told, ‘It’s not a competition.’ He constantly criticized my work, watching over my shoulder, even for tasks I’d done my whole life. After a 12-hour workday, I’d finally sit down, only to be asked why I was resting, as if my exhaustion didn’t matter. Meanwhile, he’d sit after working less hours, but his complaints never stopped. It felt like no matter what I did, it was never enough.”

17. Undermining My Self-Worth

“He manipulated everyone around me, including our children, to believe that I was at fault. It felt impossible to escape his control because he’d isolated me from any support.”

18. Explosive Reactions

“I was nursing my baby on the couch when my partner got up from bed and started screaming at me because I hadn’t cleared my cereal bowl from the table. He didn’t seem to understand that my baby was the priority at that moment, not tidying up.”

19. Invasion of Privacy

“I wasn’t allowed to lock the bathroom door or take time to myself without him barging in, questioning why I needed privacy. If I ever locked the door, he’d make a big scene, saying it was strange or suspicious. He would even find tools to unlock it from the outside, claiming he had to use the bathroom, even though there were other toilets in the house. I wasn’t allowed any peace, and he always found a way to disrupt even my quiet moments.”

20. Body Shaming

“He would not let me try a dress in a store and he told me, in front of the salesperson, how my body is not in good enough in shape to try on the dress. It was a maxi dress and would have been fine, but nope! It was the same when I attempted to buy chocolate. He had me return it as though I was a kid.”

How Coercive Control Takes Over Lives

These stories illustrate what coercive control looks like in seemingly small, everyday actions that add up to a life ruled by fear and manipulation. Victims of this type of abuse often find themselves constantly second-guessing their actions and bending to their abuser’s will, just to keep the peace.

One of the most damaging aspects of coercive control is how it gradually takes over a person’s life, isolating them from friends, family, and even their own sense of identity. It can take years for victims to recognize the patterns of control, by which time they may have lost confidence in their ability to make decisions or even know who they are outside of the relationship.

For those experiencing coercive control, it’s important to recognize that these behaviors are forms of domestic abuse, even if they don’t involve physical violence. Emotional and psychological control can be just as devastating, and seeking help is a crucial step in breaking free from the cycle. By sharing their experiences, these survivors shed light on the reality of coercive control, helping others recognize the signs and empowering them to take the first steps toward regaining their independence.

Featured image: What coercive control looks like. Source: torwaiphoto / Adobe Stock.

Playing the Victim: A Key Tactic Abusers Use to Control

By
Charlotte Bragg
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Playing the victim

Abusive behaviour often stems from a need for power and control, and one of the most subtle yet effective ways in which abusers achieve this is by playing the victim. By shifting the blame, manipulating emotions, and distorting reality, abusers maintain control over their victims. Understanding how this manipulation technique operates is crucial for recognizing abuse and breaking free from its grip.

Tactics Abusers Use When Playing the Victim

Reactions

A controlling partner may try to deflect blame onto you by focusing on your reactions to their abuse rather than on their own actions. When you display natural and valid responses to disrespect, such as yelling in frustration at being repeatedly belittled or insulted, they may ignore their behaviour and concentrate solely on your response. They might say things like “See, you’re the one who always loses control and yells. You’re the problem, not me”.

Abusive partners often use your reactions to their abusive behaviour as proof of your supposed instability, making it easier for them to shift the blame and justify their behaviour.

They may even provoke you intentionally. For instance, they might ignore you for an entire day after you confront them about something they’ve done, refusing to answer your messages or calls. When you finally speak to them again, frustrated and upset, they might say something dismissive like, “Why are you making such a big deal out of nothing? You’re always overreacting.”

By stonewalling and then dismissing your emotions, they provoke an emotional reaction and use it to portray you as unreasonable or unstable, allowing them to avoid accountability and shift the blame onto you, making you question whether you’re guilty.

Projection

Another way to tell whether somebody is playing the victim is by paying attention to whether their accusations align with their own actions. If so, they are ‘projecting’, which refers to when an abuser accuses a victim of displaying the same behaviours that they themselves engage in. For example, your partner may accuse you of cheating on them when they are the ones that are being unfaithful.

Controlling partners are likely to project their own actions onto others in response to being confronted about their behavior. It is an attempt to deflect the blame onto their partner and avoid accountability.

Using Support Systems Against the Real Victim

Abusers often manipulate court systems, police, and other support networks to maintain control over their partners by playing the victim. They may file false claims of abuse or harassment, painting themselves as the wronged party to gain sympathy from authorities or even obtain restraining orders against the victim.

In family court, abusers might accuse their partners of being unfit parents or exaggerate minor conflicts to gain custody or limit the victim’s access to children. They may use children as a tool to assert control over their partner by manipulating them through false stories. These stories can cause the children to feel upset and resentful toward their safe parent, furthering the abuser’s control.

When interacting with the police, abusers may provoke their partners into emotional, or even physical reactions and then report those reactions as evidence of instability or aggression, leading to arrests or legal repercussions for the victim. By leveraging these systems, abusers not only manipulate the narrative but also isolate and discredit their partner, making it harder for the real victim to seek justice or support.

How to Tell if Somebody is Playing the Victim

Abusive people are, by nature, incredibly manipulative which can make their false cries of suffering very convincing and difficult to see through. However, there are some ways to differentiate between a predator playing the victim and the real victim’s story. When an abuser tells their victimizing experiences, their account is often full of resentment and hatred toward their alleged abuser. They appear to have no doubt about their version of events and always place themselves as blameless.  

Meanwhile, true victims tend to tell their stories with hesitation and doubt and often only to those they trust. They usually prioritize facts, stating what happened without unnecessary negativity, and are more likely to admit their own shortcomings, even when those actions pale in comparison to the abuse they endured at the hands of their partner. A true victim’s story feels layered and complex, while someone playing the victim will often deliver a one-sided, black-and-white narrative that aims to make it appear that their partner is the only one to blame.

If you suspect your partner is playing the victim to manipulate and control you, it’s important to take steps to protect yourself. Create a safety plan that includes trusted contacts, safe places to go, and important documents in case you need to leave. Document all incidents of abuse, as this can help if the abuser tries to use legal systems against you. Build a strong support system of friends, family, or organizations, and seek legal advice if necessary. Remember, you are never to blame for your partners actions or mistreatment of you.

References

duBay, J. (2022). The Covert Abusers: Playing the Victim as a Means of Control. Medium.

E. (2019). Abusers Love to Play the Victim. Have you Been Fooled? Vocal Media.

Proudman, C. (2023). I’ve seen abusers use family courts to control and torment victims – but change is coming. The Guardian.

Featured image: Playing the victim. Source: Wesley J/peopleimages.com / Adobe Stock.

Why Do Some Domestic Abuse Victims Blame Themselves?

By
Angie Doel
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Why abuse victims blame themselves

In abusive relationships, a common and deeply troubling pattern is how abusers manipulate their partners into believing they are to blame for the abuse they endure. By distorting reality, abusers cause victims to blame themselves, leading to feelings of guilt, shame, and helplessness. This manipulation not only damages self-esteem but also makes it increasingly difficult for victims to seek help or leave the relationship. The self-blame victims experience is complex and multifaceted, stemming not only from the abuser’s tactics but also from societal conditioning, isolation, and past trauma.

Manipulation by the Abuser

One of the primary reasons individuals blame themselves for abuse is the deliberate manipulation by the abuser. Abusers often use psychological tactics to make their partners question their own perceptions and reality. This process is called gaslighting, where the abuser repeatedly denies or distorts the truth, causing their partner to doubt their memory, judgment, and sanity. For example, an abuser might say, “You’re overreacting,” or “That never happened,” which causes the indivdual to become confused and experience self-doubt.

Over time, the individual internalizes the idea they are at fault, assuming their reactions or behaviors provoke the abuser’s rage. By manipulating the victim’s reality, the abuser maintains control and perpetuates the cycle of abuse, making it difficult for them to recognize the situation for what it truly is.

Diminished Self-Esteem

People in abusive relationships often struggle with low self-esteem, which is exacerbated or even caused by the relationship itself. Abusers chip away at their partner’s sense of self-worth through constant criticism, insults, and belittling remarks. Over time, the individual begins to believe they are unworthy of love or respect and they deserve the abuse.

Victims may feel they are the problem in the relationship and they are not good enough to be treated kindly or respectfully. They may think if they just “try harder” or were “better” in some way, the abuse would stop. Misguided beliefs lead victims to internalize the abuse and blame themselves.

Past Trauma

Past trauma may play a role in an individual’s tendency to blame themselves for abuse. If a person experienced childhood trauma, they may develop maladaptive coping mechanisms, making them more vulnerable to future abusive relationships because they have been conditioned to believe that suffering is a natural part of relationships.

Unresolved trauma may lead the individual to unconsciously seek out or tolerate abusive behavior because it feels familiar. Additionally, past trauma can create a deep sense of unworthiness or guilt, making it easier for them to rationalize their mistreatment as something they deserve.

Cultural and Societal Beliefs

Cultural and societal norms contribute to the belief that domestic abuse is the victim’s fault. In some cultures, there are expectations about gender roles, relationships, and marriage that reinforce the idea that the victim must bear responsibility for maintaining the household’s harmony. Sometimes, women are socialized to be submissive, obedient, and self-sacrificing in relationships. As a result, when abuse occurs, they may feel they have failed in their duties, or they provoked the abuse by not being a “good enough” partner.

The societal stigma surrounding abuse can make it difficult for victims to come forward. When they feel they will not be believed or supported by their community, they may internalize the abuse and assume they are the ones to blame.

Repeated Apologies

Many abusers exhibit a charming and apologetic demeanor after violent episodes, which confuses their partner. The “cycle of abuse” refers to periods of tension and violence followed by remorseful behavior, promises to change, and acts of kindness. During these “honeymoon phases,” the abuser showers their partner with affection, gifts, and apologies, convincing them the abuse was an isolated incident or a result of their own behavior.

This cycle makes victims blame themselves and question whether the abuse was really that bad. The abuser’s charming apologies manipulate their partner into hoping that things will improve – all while reinforcing the belief they played a role in causing the abuse.

Exploiting Vulnerabilities

If an individual struggles with mental health issues, substance abuse, or a complicated past, the abuser may use these vulnerabilities to gain power and control. For example, an abuser might tell a partner with depression they are “crazy” or “unlovable,” making the victim feel they are too broken to leave the relationship.

By preying on insecurities, abusers make their partners feel helpless, powerless, and responsible for the abuse. The individual’s vulnerabilities become another tool in the abuser’s arsenal to maintain control and keep them from seeking help.

Social Isolation

By cutting the individual off from friends, family, and other support systems, the abuser ensures their partner has no one to validate their experiences or challenge the abuser’s narrative. Without a support system, the person believes they are the only one responsible for their situation, and no one will believe or help them if they speak out.

Social isolation reinforces the abuser’s control and makes the individual more susceptible to self-blame, as they have no one to offer a different perspective or encourage them to seek help.

Cognitive Dissonance and Moral Beliefs

Victims often blame themselves because they struggle to reconcile the good moments in the relationship with the abusive ones. They may cling to memories of love, care, and tenderness, which makes it difficult for them to accept they are in an abusive situation. This cognitive dissonance can lead them to blame themselves for the abuse, thinking that if they just did something differently, the good times would last.

Additionally, many individuals have strong moral beliefs about forgiveness, loyalty, and commitment that make it harder for them to leave the relationship. They may believe they must stay and work on the relationship, even in the face of abuse.

Conclusion

The belief that domestic abuse is the victim’s fault is a complex and painful issue rooted in manipulation, low self-esteem, past trauma, cultural and moral beliefs, and emotional vulnerability. Abusers exploit these factors to maintain control over their partners, making it difficult for them to see the truth and seek help. Understanding why victims blame themselves is vital in providing the support and resources they need to break free from the cycle of abuse and begin the journey toward healing.

References

Holcomb, L.A. & Holcomb, J.S. (2014). Is It My Fault? Hope and Healing for Those Suffering Domestic Violence. Moody Publishers.

Snyder, R.L. (2019). No Visible Bruises: What We Don’t Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us. Bloomsbury Publishing.

Featured image: Why abuse victims blame themselves. Source: AnnaStills / Adobe Stock.

10 Ways Abusers Prevent Their Partners from Leaving

By
Angie Doel
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How abusers prevent victims leaving

Leaving an abusive relationship isn’t easy. Abusers often employ a variety of tactics to prevent their partners from leaving, trapping them in a cycle of fear, dependency, and manipulation. Understanding these tactics is vital for recognizing abuse and seeking help. Below are ten common ways abusers prevent their victims from leaving.

1. Threats of Violence

One of the more prominent (and terrifying) methods an abuser uses to prevent their partner from leaving is the threat of physical violence. Threats can be directed at the victim, their children, or even pets. The fear of being physically harmed—or worse—can paralyze victims, making them feel that leaving is not a viable option. Abusers may also escalate their violence when they sense their partner is considering leaving, reinforcing the fear and control they have over the victim.

2. Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail is a powerful tool abusers use to manipulate their partners into staying. This can take the form of suicide threats or guilt-tripping, where the abuser convinces their partner that leaving would cause unbearable pain or suffering, often exaggerating their own emotional dependency. They might say things like, “I can’t live without you,” or, “If you leave, I’ll kill myself.” This emotional manipulation creates a sense of responsibility in the victim, making them feel obligated to stay and “save” or “protect” the abuser.

3. Isolation

Abusers often isolate their partners from family, friends, co-workers, and support networks to prevent them from seeking help or gaining the strength to leave. Isolation can be physical, such as forbidding them from seeing certain people, or emotional, creating conflict with loved ones, or making the partner believe that no one else cares about them. By cutting off external sources of support, the abuser ensures their partner feels alone and dependent on them, making it harder to leave.

4. Financial Control

Financial abuse is a common tactic used to prevent victims from leaving. Abusers may restrict their partner’s access to money, sabotage their employment, or run up debts in their name. Financial dependency makes it nearly impossible for the victim to leave, as they may not have the resources to support themselves or their children. In some cases, abusers may even threaten to leave the victim destitute if they try to escape, further entrenching their control.

5. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation technique where the abuser makes their partner question their reality, memories, and sanity. By constantly denying, minimizing, or twisting the truth, the abuser creates a world where the victim feels confused, insecure, and unsure of their own perceptions. Mental manipulation erodes the victim’s confidence in their ability to leave, as they may think the abuse is their fault or they are overreacting.

6. Using the Children

Children are often used as pawns in abusive relationships to prevent a partner from leaving. Abusers may threaten to take the children away, harm them, or turn them against the victim. They may also manipulate the children into begging the victim to stay, creating an emotional burden that makes it difficult to leave. The fear of losing their children or subjecting them to harm can trap victims in abusive relationships for years.

7. Monitoring and Stalking

Abusers often monitor their partner’s every move, using tactics like stalking, tracking their phone or car, or even installing surveillance cameras. This constant surveillance creates a sense of omnipresence, where the victim feels like they can never escape or hide. The fear of being caught trying to leave can be overwhelming, especially if the abuser has already demonstrated violent tendencies.

Legal threats are another way abusers prevent their partners from leaving. They may threaten to sue for full custody of the children, ruin the victim’s reputation, or take them to court over false allegations. The fear of a prolonged and expensive legal battle, combined with the potential for public humiliation, can deter victims from leaving. Abusers often know how to manipulate the legal system to their advantage, using it as a weapon to maintain control.

9. Destroying Self-Esteem

Over time, abusers systematically destroy their partner’s self-esteem, making them feel unworthy of love or incapable of surviving on their own. They may constantly criticize, belittle, or insult their partner, creating a belief that no one else would want them or they can’t make it on their own. This emotional degradation makes the victim feel trapped and dependent, believing that staying is their only option.

10. False Promises of Change

Abusers often use false promises of change to keep their partners from leaving. After an abusive incident, they may apologize profusely, promise to change, and seek forgiveness, only to revert to their abusive behavior once the threat of leaving has passed. These cycles of abuse and reconciliation create a false hope that things will get better, keeping the victim trapped in the relationship.

Conclusion

Understanding the tactics abusers use to prevent their partners from leaving is essential for recognizing abuse and seeking help. If you or someone you know is experiencing these behaviors, reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or professional for support is critical. Leaving an abusive relationship is challenging, but with the right resources and support, it’s possible to break free and rebuild a life of safety and independence. Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity; no one has the right to control or harm you.

References

Barlow, Don. (2021). Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Recover from Emotional Abuse, Recognize Narcissists & Manipulators, and Break Free Once and for All.

Diaz, Diann, and Diaz, Jose (2021). Domestic Violence Victims – Why Do They Stay?

Featured image: Ways abusers stop their partner from leaving. Source: 9nong / Adobe Stock.

Man in NSW First to be Charged Under New Coercive Control Laws

By
Samara Knight
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Coercive control charges in NSW

A 44-year-old man from the Riverina region in southern New South Wales has become the first individual to face charges under the state’s newly enacted coercive control laws. This significant legal milestone occurred just weeks after the laws took effect in July 2024, marking a major advancement in combating domestic abuse in NSW.

Arrest Following Report by Victim

The ABC reports that on July 26, a 39-year-old woman walked into a Leeton police station to report coercive control. It is a form of domestic abuse characterized by patterns of emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical control. Later that day, police arrested the woman’s partner at a nearby residence.

The man was charged with multiple domestic violence offenses, including coercive control, stalking, and assault occasioning actual bodily harm. He was refused bail at his court appearance in Wagga Wagga Local Court, and police applied for an apprehended domestic violence order to protect the victim.

New Laws Aim to Combat Domestic Abuse

Coercive control refers to a pattern of behaviors such as emotional abuse, intimidation, threats, and financial control, where abusers limit their partner’s independence and psychological freedom. NSW Domestic Violence Death Review Team data revealed a strong correlation between coercive control and intimate partner homicide, noting that 97 percent of intimate partner homicides between 2000 and 2018 were linked to coercive control behaviors.

The NSW legislation, which passed in 2022 but took effect in July 2024, was created to address this form of abuse. The law, which includes penalties of up to seven years in prison, is one of the first in Australia to recognize coercive control as a standalone criminal offense.

Prior to its enforcement, NSW authorities spent nearly a year training police, the judiciary, and the public on identifying and prosecuting cases under these new rules. This shift in the law followed increased public awareness, sparked by high-profile cases such as the murder of Hannah Clarke and her children in 2020. The case, which highlighted the lethal nature of coercive control, contributed to similar legislative efforts in Queensland, which will introduce its own laws in 2025 under “Hannah’s Law.”

Early Reports Show Significant Incidence of Coercive Control

In the first month after the laws came into effect, NSW police received 23 reports of coercive control. According to data from the NSW Bureau of Crime Statistics and Research, 91 percent of victims were female, and more than 60 percent of cases involved allegations of threats and intimidation. One report involved harm to a child and another involved animal abuse.

Other frequent abuses included shaming or degrading behavior, harassment, monitoring, and financial abuse. These early numbers demonstrate the prevalence of this hidden form of domestic abuse.

Experts anticipate a rise in coercive control charges in the coming months as awareness of the law grows, and more victims feel empowered to come forward.

The implementation of coercive control laws marks a critical step forward in protecting victims and holding abusers accountable, positioning NSW as a leader in the fight against domestic violence in Australia.

Featured image: First coercive control charges in NSW. Source: lllonajalll / Adobe Stock.

The Heartbreaking Reasons Some Abuse Victims Wish Their Partner Would Hit Them

By
Samara Knight
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Why abuse victims wish their partner would hit them

When we think of abuse, most people immediately imagine physical violence—bruises, black eyes, and broken bones. Physical abuse is horrific and unacceptable, but it’s also visible and undeniable. There’s a clear, tangible mark that says, “This is wrong. This is abuse.” However, for many victims of abuse, the scars run much deeper, leaving no visible wounds but inflicting profound emotional and psychological damage. Tragically, some victims find themselves wishing that their partner would hit them, because physical violence would be easier to recognize, prove, and escape from.

This desire, as counterintuitive as it may seem, stems from the often invisible nature of emotional and psychological abuse. Victims are left feeling confused, isolated, and helpless—desperately seeking validation for their pain in a world that too often dismisses or minimizes their experiences.

The Unseen Scars of Emotional and Psychological Abuse

Emotional and psychological abuse is a pervasive form of manipulation and control that leaves no visible marks but devastates the victim’s self-worth, sense of reality, and mental health. Unlike physical abuse, which is easier to identify and condemn, emotional abuse is subtle and insidious, making it difficult for victims to even recognize they are being abused, let alone seek help.

One victim described her experience: “I was suffering every day in my marriage—psychologically tormented, insulted daily, manipulated, gaslighted, made to feel worthless and never good enough, blamed for everything, intimidated, threatened, emotionally blackmailed, isolated, and totally controlled. But for years, I didn’t realize I was being abused. I had no words to describe what I was experiencing. I had no words to communicate with others what was happening. And so at times, I wished he would hit me. I thought then I would have a good enough reason to leave and a clear enough justification to tell others.”

This heart-wrenching quote captures the essence of why some abuse victims wish for physical violence. The psychological torment they endure is so overwhelming and difficult to articulate that they yearn for something tangible—something that others can see and recognize as abuse.

The Silent Suffering of Covert Abuse

Covert abuse, including emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and financial control, often leaves victims questioning their reality and doubting their own perceptions. This form of abuse can be so subtle and pervasive that victims may not even realize they are being controlled and manipulated.

“Sometimes you would rather they hit you and take the simpler route. At least that way it’s clear cut. The covert, mental, emotional, passive-aggressive, coercive control, financial control, and triangulation of children is just so overwhelming,” said another victim, expressing the complexity and despair of dealing with non-physical abuse.

This type of abuse is hard to explain to others, especially when the abuser can appear loving, thoughtful, and fun at times. “They aren’t always abusive. They could be really loving and thoughtful and fun a good bit of the time. And especially if they don’t call you names directly or hit you, it makes it even more confusing. That’s part of what makes it so hard to leave,” one victim explained. This inconsistency keeps victims trapped in a cycle of hope and despair, where they constantly question whether their experiences are valid or if they’re simply overreacting.

The Frustration of Being Disbelieved

One of the most painful aspects of emotional abuse is the lack of validation from others. Physical abuse is visible and undeniable, but emotional abuse is often dismissed as “just words” or “a misunderstanding.” Victims are left feeling isolated and misunderstood, as if their suffering isn’t real or important.

“There were many times I would have rather that he hit me than say the horrific things he said. At least with the bruises I could prove there was actually abuse. The words were harder to recover from and were ridiculed by others as ‘words aren’t physical harm,'” shared one survivor.

This lack of validation is particularly devastating when victims seek help from the legal system. “My sister’s ex is emotionally and financially abusive too, and she has also said she wishes he had hit her so that the courts would believe her. Even with evidence, they didn’t care. They just made excuses for him and granted 50/50 custody of my nephew,” another person revealed. The frustration of not being believed or taken seriously compounds the trauma and leaves victims feeling even more trapped and powerless.

The Invisible Bruises of Psychological Warfare

The emotional and psychological abuse that victims endure often involves a range of manipulative tactics, including gaslighting, financial control, and the use of children as pawns. These forms of abuse are designed to erode the victim’s autonomy and self-worth, making it increasingly difficult for them to leave the relationship or even recognize that they are being abused.

“Yes, I was always hoping for physical damage but that didn’t happen—it was all much more subtle and terrifying and stressful,” one victim shared. The constant fear, anxiety, and self-doubt that come with emotional abuse can be more damaging than physical violence, as they leave the victim feeling powerless and hopeless.

“No one will understand you. They’ll think ‘it’s just a small misunderstanding that made you decide to walk out of that abusive relationship.’ They think you’re just overreacting, you’re immature. Mental and emotional abuse is way more hard and worse than physical abuse. I know physical abuse is not a joke, but my point is physical abuse is visible! It can be seen by many, unlike emotional/mental abuse, no one notices your sufferings,” another survivor expressed. This quote highlights the profound isolation that victims of emotional abuse experience, as they are often left to suffer in silence, with no visible evidence to prove their pain.

The Desperate Wish for Something Tangible

For many victims, the wish for physical violence is a desperate cry for recognition and validation. They long for something that can be seen and understood, something that would make it clear to themselves and others that what they are experiencing is indeed abuse.

But the heartbreaking reality is that abuse is not always physical, and the scars left by emotional and psychological abuse can be just as deep, if not deeper, than those left by physical violence. The impact of emotional abuse can last a lifetime, affecting the victim’s mental health, relationships, and overall well-being.

The Path to Healing and Empowerment

The journey to healing from emotional and psychological abuse is a difficult one, but it is possible. Recognizing the abuse for what it is, seeking support, and reclaiming one’s sense of self-worth are crucial steps in the process of recovery.

In the end, the most important lesson for victims of emotional and psychological abuse is this: It IS domestic abuse. You deserve better. You deserve to be treated with love, respect, and kindness. And while the scars of emotional abuse may not be visible, they are real, and your pain is valid. Take the time to heal, rebuild, and remember that you are worthy of a life free from abuse.

Featured image: Why abuse victims wish their partner would hit them. Source: Syda Productions / Adobe Stock.

Why It’s Not Flattering When a Male Stranger Calls a Woman Beautiful

By
Samara Knight
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Objectification of women

Many men often believe that calling a woman beautiful or pretty is a flattering and complimentary gesture. To them, it might seem like a kind and harmless remark, perhaps even something that could lift her spirits. However, for women—especially those who have experienced abuse or harassment—these comments can be much more complicated and far less flattering than they might initially seem.

Take, for instance, a scenario that recently unfolded on the Shadows of Control X page, a space where survivors of abuse bravely share their stories. A woman, recounting her harrowing experience at the hands of her husband, received a reply from a man who commented, “You are so pretty, you never deserved to be treated like that.” On the surface, this might seem like a supportive and compassionate response. However, when we dig a little deeper, the problematic nature of such a comment becomes clear.

This comment places the women in a confusing position. On one hand, the man’s words, “you never deserved to be treated like that,” acknowledge her suffering and validate her experience, which is genuinely important. But by tying this validation to her appearance—“you are so pretty”—he inadvertently suggests that her value, and the injustice of her abuse, is somehow linked to how she looks. This raises a troubling implication: if she were less attractive, would that make the abuse more acceptable? Of course not, but the connection he draws between her looks and her worthiness of respect underscores how deeply ingrained these superficial values are in our culture.

Objectification and Reducing Women to Their Looks

When a man, particularly a stranger, compliments a woman on her appearance, it often reduces her to just that—her looks. It’s a form of objectification that overlooks who she is as a person and reinforces societal norms that prioritize a woman’s beauty over her character, intellect, or achievements.

When women are constantly judged based on their looks, it creates an environment where they’re seen more as objects than as full, autonomous individuals. This can lead to justifications for disrespectful or abusive behavior, as the woman’s humanity is overshadowed by an emphasis on her physical traits. So, while a man might think he’s giving a nice compliment, he’s actually reinforcing a harmful mindset that reduces women to their appearance.

Unwanted Attention and the Right to Privacy

Compliments from strangers, especially about appearance, can also be a source of unwanted attention. Public spaces should be places where women feel safe and free to go about their day without fear of being scrutinized, catcalled, harassed, or approached inappropriately. Yet, when a man feels entitled to comment on a woman’s looks, it can turn an ordinary outing into an uncomfortable experience.

This type of unwanted attention is more than just an annoyance; it can feel intrusive and threatening. Women often have to navigate these situations carefully, balancing their responses to avoid further interaction while maintaining their safety. If they respond positively, they might inadvertently encourage more advances; if they respond negatively or ignore the comment, they risk being perceived as rude or ungrateful, which can sometimes provoke hostility. It’s a no-win situation that places an unfair burden on women simply trying to go about their day.

Unfortunately, societal expectations dictate that women should be polite and accommodating, even when they feel uncomfortable. This pressure means that women are frequently forced to put their own comfort and well-being second in order to avoid conflict or escalation, adding another layer of complexity to an already challenging situation.

Safety Concerns and the Threat of Escalation

For many women, a compliment from a stranger isn’t just a comment—it’s a potential threat. Gender-based violence is a very serious issue and women are often forced to assess and manage their safety in public spaces constantly. A man’s unsolicited comment on her appearance can trigger alarm, as it might be the start of an unwanted interaction that could escalate into something more aggressive or dangerous.

This fear is not unfounded. Many women have experienced situations where a simple comment has led to persistent harassment, stalking, or even physical violence. The compliment, which might seem innocuous to the man, must be weighed against the possibility that his intentions are not purely kind. This constant vigilance is exhausting and a direct result of the prevalence of harassment and violence against women.

In this horrifying CCTV footage, a man makes an inappropriate sexual comment toward a female stranger, who calls him out on it. He then walks back over to her and slaps her across the face, highlighting that the risks to women are all too real.

Women should not have to live in a state of constant vigilance. The inappropriateness of these interactions is not just about the comment itself but about the potential for that comment to lead to a situation where a woman’s safety or comfort is compromised.

Telling a woman she’s beautiful might seem like a harmless or even kind gesture, but it’s essential to understand the broader implications. Women deserve to be valued for who they are, not just how they look, and they have the right to move through the world without being reduced to their appearance.

Featured image: Objectification  Source:  JackF / Adobe Stock

Ireland Introduces New Legal Protection for Stalking Victims

By
Samara Knight
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Legal protection for stalking in Ireland

On Monday, September 2, new legislative measures came into effect in Ireland, providing enhanced protections for victims of stalking. This significant development allows those subjected to stalking behavior to apply for a civil order to prohibit such behavior. It is designed to offer earlier intervention for stalking victims without requiring the high level of proof necessary for a criminal conviction. This shift allows for quicker, more responsive legal action to protect those who may be at risk.

The measure, introduced under part five of the Criminal Justice (Miscellaneous Provisions) Act 2023, comes after stalking was made a standalone offence in November 2023. The new provisions show Ireland’s increasing dedication to addressing stalking and controlling behavior, making sure victims can get justice and protection.

RTE reports that Minister for Justice Helen McEntee announced the rollout of these provisions, emphasizing that the new system of civil orders is an important step in the fight against sexual and gender-based violence.

These protections are now available to all stalking victims, regardless of their relationship with the perpetrator. Previously, similar protections were only accessible to those who had been in a domestic relationship with their stalker.

The ability to apply for an interim order, pending the final determination of the application, is a critical component of the new legislation. This provision ensures that victims receive immediate protection against ongoing stalking behaviors while their case is being processed by the courts.

The interim orders are granted where the court deems it necessary and proportionate to safeguard the applicant’s safety and welfare.

The Broader Impact of Stalking Legislation

The standalone offence of stalking, introduced in November 2023, carries a maximum sentence of ten years. This severe penalty underscores the seriousness with which Ireland now treats stalking offenses.

The legislation also strengthens the broader legal framework surrounding domestic violence and coercive control, reflecting a comprehensive approach to tackling these insidious crimes.

Sarah Benson, Chief Executive of Women’s Aid, welcomed the new measures, highlighting the potential of civil orders to prevent the escalation of dangerous stalking behaviors. In an interview with RTÉ’s Morning Ireland, Benson pointed out that prior to this legislation, victims of stalking had to pursue criminal proceedings before they could seek a restraining order—a process that could take years. The introduction of civil orders provides a much-needed safety net for victims, allowing them to take swift legal action without enduring the lengthy and often traumatic criminal justice process.

Advocates’ Role in Legislative Change

According to Irish Examiner, the new measures have been strongly supported by campaigners, including Eve McDowell, who played a pivotal role in advocating for the legislation. McDowell’s personal experience with stalking and her harrowing encounter with a stalker who broke into her apartment armed with a claw hammer underscore the urgent need for these protections. Her campaign, alongside other advocates, highlighted the deep psychological and emotional toll that stalking and coercive control can have on victims.

McDowell expressed relief and optimism with the introduction of civil orders, noting that the new law has been a long time coming and that many people have been eagerly awaiting its implementation. She emphasized that the waiting period for a criminal conviction can be extremely traumatic for victims, often reopening wounds and exacerbating the sense of vulnerability and fear.

The Impact of the New Legislation

As the new provisions came into force on September 2, there remains a degree of anticipation about how the process will be tested in the courts. Ms Benson acknowledged that the law has yet to be put into practice, and its effectiveness will be closely monitored in the coming months.

The introduction of civil orders for stalking victims represents a critical advancement in Ireland’s approach to dealing with coercive control and stalking. By allowing victims to seek protection earlier and more efficiently, the new measures aim to reduce the risks associated with prolonged exposure to stalking behaviors. The legislation also sends a clear message that stalking, regardless of the relationship between the victim and perpetrator, is a serious crime with significant legal consequences.

Featured image: Stalking victim. Source: Marina P. / Adobe Stock.

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