The end of a relationship with a controlling abuser often marks the beginning of a perplexing chapter: their rapid move into a new relationship. Understanding the motivations behind such swift moves can shed light on the dynamics of abusive relationships and the psyche of the abuser.
Seeking Control and Validation
Controlling abusers thrive on the power dynamics within relationships. Lundy Bancroft, in his pivotal work ‘Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men,’ highlights that for many abusers, relationships are not about mutual respect and love but about asserting dominance (Bancroft, 2002).
When a victim leaves, the abuser’s sense of control is shattered. This prompts a desperate need to reestablish it. Entering a new relationship swiftly is a way for the abuser to reassure themselves of their control and desirability. Essentially, they are using their new partner as a means to fill the void left by the loss of control over their previous victim.
When I left my abusive husband after 11 years of marriage, he wasted no time in his search for a new partner. Within 6 weeks of our separation, he developed a relationship with a woman in another country. He jumped on a plane to meet her and, when that didn’t work out, he was onto the next one. He even involved our then 6-year-old son in his online chats with a woman he was courting.
The Facade of Normalcy
Patricia Evans, author of ‘The Verbally Abusive Relationship,’ discusses the abuser’s need to maintain a semblance of normalcy and superiority (Evans, 1996). By quickly finding a new partner, the abuser aims to project an image of resilience and normalcy to their social circle and, importantly, to themselves.
This rapid move is often accompanied by a narrative that paints the abuser as the wronged party in the previous relationship. This further cements their self-perceived victimhood and righteousness. This facade is essential for the abuser’s self-esteem and their manipulation of others’ perceptions.
My ex-husband worked hard to craft his new identity as a ‘family man’ and a ‘good Christian’, who would seek out a new wife. In his words, this was to “create a sense of wholeness that cannot be achieved alone.” And whilst he was convincing himself and others of his deep moral values and faith, he was getting involved on dating apps. At the same time, he was working on a relationship with a live-in home helper, and sending messages to me with attempts at reconciliation. An abuser is truly a master of disguise.
The Cycle of Abuse
In ‘Women with Controlling Partners,’ Carol Lambert discusses the cyclical pattern that defines abusive relationships (Lambert, 2016). Initially, abusers often employ ‘love-bombing,’ lavishing their partners with affection and praise during the ‘idealization’ phase. Love-bombing allows the abuser to quickly establish a facade of a perfect partner and an idyllic relationship. This allows them to captivate the new victim’s emotions and loyalty from the onset. However, this period is eventually overshadowed by ‘devaluation,’ where the partner endures criticism and belittlement.
By entering a new relationship swiftly, abusers are able to restart this cycle. They indulge in the early ‘honeymoon’ phase that dwindled as their previous relationship progressed. This repetitive cycle provides a psychological thrill for the abuser. It also helps conceal their manipulative behavior from both themselves and their new partner.
The swift move of an abuser into a new relationship post-breakup is a maneuver driven by deep psychological needs and patterns of behavior. Understanding these motivations is crucial for survivors. It helps them to contextualize the end of the relationship and the abuser’s subsequent actions. It is important for survivors to focus on their healing journey. This allows them to recognize that the abuser’s actions are a reflection of their issues, not the worth or desirability of the survivor.
References
Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Berkley Books.
Evans, P. (1996). The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond. Adams Media Corporation.
Lambert, C. (2016). Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner. New Harbinger Publications.
