Trauma bonding is a complex and often misunderstood phenomenon, which occurs when a victim forms a strong emotional attachment to their abuser. It typically happens in the context of an emotionally abusive relationship. This trauma bond is characterized by cycles of abuse mixed with positive experiences. This creates an environment where the victim feels unable to leave the relationship despite the harm they are experiencing.
It is rooted in the dynamics of power and control, where the abuser uses various forms of emotional manipulation to create a dependency in their victim. Patrick Carnes explores this concept in his work, ‘The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships,’ where he describes how these trauma bonds are forged in situations where there are repeated cycles of abuse, interspersed with positive reinforcement (Carnes, 1997). Essentially, there is a confusing blend of affection and aggression, mistreatment and apologies, and praise and criticism. This creates a paradox where the victim views the abuser, the very source of her pain, as someone who also rescues her.
In my own experience with trauma bonding, my marriage felt like an endless rollercoaster ride of highs and lows. In the so-called ‘good times’, my husband would call me his ‘princess’ and shower me with affection and gushing compliments about how amazing I was and how ‘unstoppable’ we were as a couple. During the ‘lows’, he would insult, devalue, threaten, gaslight, intimidate, belittle me, and fly into angry outbursts. As swiftly as his anger would emerge, it would dissipate, and he would come groveling after me. He would try to hold my hand, kiss me, and drape his arms around me. Despite my absolute aversion to his post-rage affection, which I would often try to avoid by locking myself in the bathroom, it still brought an immense feeling of relief.
Psychological Mechanisms in Trauma Bonding
The psychological underpinnings of trauma bonding involve a complex interplay of fear, dependency, and intermittent rewards. Judith Herman, in her seminal book ‘Trauma and Recovery,’ explains how the cycle of violence creates a situation of captivity that binds the victim to the abuser (Herman, 1992). The intermittent kindness shown by the abuser amidst the abuse can cause the victim to experience intense feelings of relief and gratitude. This reinforces the trauma bond. As one of my readers explained: “The five seconds of kindness are worth the months of ill treatment.”
In ‘Divorcing a Narcissist: The Lure, The Loss, and The Law,’ Dr Supriya McKenna and Karin Walker, who write specifically about abusers with narcissistic traits, explain that the relationship initially appears idyllic with the abuser displaying excessive affection and care. This is often through grand gestures, gifts, and professions of love. But this gradually deteriorates as subtle forms of abuse begin to surface. The victim then becomes desperate to get back the positive feelings they experienced at the start of the relationship. By this stage, she has become trauma bonded to her partner.
“They find themselves jumping through hoops to placate or win over the narcissist, who gives out varying wins (big or small) at unpredictable times. Perhaps a tiny bit of attention here and there, interspersed with an unexpectedly lavish meal or profession of everlasting love, followed by a silent treatment and then mild humiliation.” (McKenna and Walker, 2021, p.9).
Contradictory Behavior
My ex-husband’s behavior was frequently contradictory. Following long periods of acting selfishly and spending all our money on himself, he would treat me to an unexpected gift. After endless criticisms that made me feel small and unworthy, he would suddenly offer a generous compliment. After months of calling me ‘crazy’, ‘insane’, or ‘unbalanced’ for showing any hint of anger, he would then tell me how emotionally strong I was. Every time I reached my absolute level of tolerance for his verbal and emotional abuse, he would switch into praise and reward. This provided a temporary respite from the chaos of it all. It seemed like he precisely understood the limit to how much he could push me before he would need to do something to reel me back in, keeping me firmly entangled on his hook.
Addicted to Love
McKenna and Walker explain that there are more than just psychological mechanisms at play with trauma bonding. It also involves neurochemical changes in the brain, similar to what is seen in addiction.
“This [intermittent reinforcement] throws the brain chemicals into havoc – they are sometimes depleted (when they become craved for) and sometimes sky high. From a neurochemical perspective, this is an addictive cycle, similar to the one employed by slot machines, and it’s precisely the varying unpredictable nature of the wins that keeps the victim ‘in the game,’ chemically hooked to it.” (p. 9)
Essentially, trauma bonding occurs due to a type of chemical dependency created by the inconsistent cycle of rewards. The endless highs and lows result in a constant desire and effort to return to moments of peace.
“It teaches them to try harder. To be better. To give more. To ask for less. To want less. To dance to the narcissist’s tune, and all the while, to be grateful for any scraps tossed their way.” (p. 10)
The Role of Cognitive Dissonance
“Trauma bonding explains how a victim of abuse comes to the defense of her man. We see it at play in her willingness to protect him even when she begins to see the abuse,” writes Dr David Hawkins in ‘When Loving Him is Hurting You.’
This paradoxical behavior is a direct manifestation of cognitive dissonance. This is where the victim’s desire to maintain a sense of loyalty and love for the abuser clashes with the reality of their situation. The resulting dissonance can lead to a distorted perception of the relationship. Moments of kindness from the abuser are amplified and the abuse is rationalized or diminished.
Breaking the Bond
Breaking a trauma bond requires a profound understanding of the abuse dynamics and often professional intervention. Lundy Bancroft’s work, ‘Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men,’ provides insight into the behaviors and patterns of abusers, offering victims a framework to understand their situation and seek help (Bancroft, 2002).
Therapeutic approaches, such as trauma-informed care and cognitive-behavioral therapy, have been shown to be effective in addressing the effects of trauma bonding. It helps victims to recognize the abuse and establish healthier patterns.
In ‘The Betrayal Bond,’ Patrick Carnes refers to a number of clinical strategies that can be employed to break trauma bonds. These include boundary setting strategies, helping the victim to identify healthy and unhealthy relationship patterns, trauma desensitization, work on self-acceptance and self-care, and establishing strong support networks. As he explains, “Trauma bonds can be disrupted when healthy bonds are available.” (p. 175)
Trauma bonding in emotionally abusive relationships presents a significant challenge to both victims and professionals working to support them. Understanding the psychological mechanisms at play is essential for breaking these bonds and facilitating recovery.
References
Carnes, P. (1997). The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships. Health Communications, Inc.
Hawkins, D. (2017). When Loving Him is Hurting You: Hope and Help for Women Dealing With Narcissism and Emotional Abuse. Harvest House Publishers.
Herman, J. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.
Festinger, L. (1957). A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance. Stanford University Press.
Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Berkley Books.
Featured image: Trauma bonding occurs in emotionally abusive relationships. Source: Adobe Stock / Lightfield Studios.
