Withholding affection—also referred to as emotional withholding—is a subtle but damaging practice, which when used intentionally and consistently, is a form of emotional abuse. Unlike the silent treatment, which involves ignoring a partner entirely, withholding affection involves the deliberate withdrawal of warmth, love, or intimacy to exert control over the relationship. It creates a dynamic where one partner becomes emotionally starved and desperate for validation, handing power to the abusive partner.
Affection Withholding in Emotional Abuse
In abusive relationships, withholding affection is a tool for power and manipulation. Here’s how this tactic unfolds:
- The Creation of Emotional Dependency. The abuser selectively gives and withholds affection to manipulate their partner’s emotions. Moments of affection are sprinkled in just enough to keep the victim hopeful and invested. This intermittent reinforcement makes the victim crave those brief periods of love and warmth, drawing them deeper into the relationship.
- Utilizing Punishment and Control. When the abuser feels slighted or challenged, affection is withheld as a form of punishment. Their partner is left feeling confused, trying to figure out what they did wrong and how to regain the abuser’s approval. Over time, the victim learns to avoid conflict and prioritize the abuser’s needs to prevent emotional neglect.
- Isolating the Victim. Emotional withholding can lead the victim to feel isolated and unworthy of affection. In many cases, they may not seek support from others, believing the issue lies with them. This isolation strengthens the abuser’s control, as the victim becomes increasingly dependent on their partner for any form of emotional fulfilment, feeling guilty and blaming themselves.
Affection Withholding vs. the Silent Treatment
While both withholding affection and the silent treatment are forms of emotional abuse, there are distinctions between them:
- Withholding affection involves denying love, intimacy, care, and warmth, even when communication may still occur.
- The silent treatment is the refusal to engage in any communication or interaction, effectively ignoring the partner as if they do not exist.
Both tactics create emotional imbalance but operate slightly differently. Withholding affection instils a sense of emotional starvation, while the silent treatment erases the partner’s presence altogether.
Here are some examples of how abusers withhold affection to control their partners:
- Physical Affection: The abuser stops hugging, kissing, or showing any physical intimacy, making the partner feel rejected and anxious about the relationship’s stability.
- Conditional Affection: The abuser gives affection only when the partner behaves a certain way or meets their expectations, creating a dynamic where love and care become rewards for obedience.
- Dismissing Emotional Needs: When the partner expresses a need for comfort, reassurance, or support, the abuser deliberately withholds compassion, making them feel unworthy or needy for wanting affection and support.
- Public vs. Private Behaviour: The abuser may act loving and attentive in public but withdraw affection in private, creating confusion and making the partner question their own perception of the relationship.
These tactics increase insecurity and dependence, manipulating the partner to seek validation and affection from the abuser at any cost.
How Emotional Withholding Differs from Emotional Shutdown
It’s important to distinguish emotional withholding from the natural response of a victim who shuts down emotionally as a form of self-protection. Victims of emotional abuse often retreat into emotional numbness to survive the distress. This behaviour is a response to the harm they’ve endured, not an intentional strategy to control their partner.
On the other hand, abusers use emotional withholding deliberately to maintain dominance and control. This distinction underscores the manipulative intent behind emotional withholding, which is absent in the protective behaviour of victims.
Emotional and Psychological Consequences
When affection is weaponized, the emotional impact on the victim is profound.
- Lowered Self-Esteem. Victims begin to believe they are undeserving of love and affection.
- Anxiety and Depression. The unpredictability of affection creates emotional instability, leading to heightened anxiety and sadness.
- Emotional Dependency. Victims may become desperate for any sign of affection, reinforcing their reliance on the abuser for emotional validation.
- Loss of Identity. Over time, the victim’s sense of self-worth becomes tied to the abuser’s behaviour, eroding their identity.
Why Abusers Withhold Affection
An abusive person may withhold affection for several reasons, creating a cycle of control, manipulation, and emotional instability. Below are the primary motives behind this behaviour:
1. To Punish or Manipulate
- Punishment for Perceived Infractions. Abusers use affection as a tool for discipline, withdrawing love and intimacy when their partner fails to meet expectations or displeases them. This tactic reinforces the idea that affection is not freely given but has to be earned through compliance. Their partner, in turn, may overextend themselves, trying to regain approval or avoid future punishment.
- Manipulation to Achieve Control. The unpredictability of affection keeps the partner guessing about what they need to do to be “worthy” of love, creating anxiety and emotional dependence. Over time, the partner internalizes a sense of inadequacy and becomes desperate for even minimal displays of affection, increasing the abuser’s leverage.
2. To Establish Control
- Emotional Imbalance to Increase Power. Withholding affection causes emotional instability, making the partner feel off-balance and unsure of where they stand. This imbalance keeps the abuser in a position of control, as the partner becomes more focused on gaining affection than addressing larger issues or leaving the relationship.
- Fear of Rejection and Insecurity. The abuser may also withhold affection to pre-emptively protect themselves from vulnerability, creating an emotionally cold environment where only they dictate when intimacy or connection is allowed. This ensures that the partner remains emotionally dependent, continually seeking validation that never fully arrives.
3. As a Learned Behaviour
- Modelling from Childhood or Past Relationships. Some abusers grew up in households where affection was weaponized, learning that love and care could be withheld to gain control or avoid emotional vulnerability. This behaviour may feel normal to them, as they have internalized the idea that emotional withdrawal is an effective way to maintain dominance.
- Avoidance of Vulnerability. Abusers may withhold affection because expressing genuine care feels threatening to their sense of power. Vulnerability, which affection inherently requires, is seen as a weakness, so they prefer to stay emotionally detached, further deepening the imbalance in the relationship.
Emotional withholding, while often subtle, is a potent form of emotional abuse that undermines trust, love, and connection. Unlike healthy relationships, where affection flows naturally, relationships tainted by emotional withholding create environments of manipulation and control. Recognizing this behaviour helps victims reclaim their sense of self and build healthier, more loving connections.
References
Horan, S.M., & Booth‐Butterfield, M. (2019). Angry Hugs and Withheld Love: An Overview of Deceptive Affection. The Palgrave Handbook of Deceptive Communication.
Outlaw, M. (2009). Coercive Control: The Most Common Form of Nonphysical Partner Violence. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 24(4), 711-731.
Featured image: Affection withholding, also known as emotional withholding, is a form of emotional abuse. Source: fizkes / Adobe Stock
