With the dramatic increase in internet and smart device capabilities, personal privacy concerns are greater than ever. And more and more, privacy breaches are finding their way into intimate relationships in the form of cyberstalking. Abusive or controlling partners are increasingly turning to technology to help them keep tabs on their partners, in one way or another (or often, in multiple ways). And most of the time, the abused partners are largely unaware of this surveillance, which can lead to a dangerous situation.
“Cyberstalking, particularly when it occurs within intimate relationships, can be insidious, often starting subtly before escalating into something much more harmful,” says Max Williams, CEO and founder of the HeroBot app. Here, we’ll learn about cyberstalking within the confines of a marriage or other romantic relationship.
What is Cyberstalking?
At its most basic level, cyberstalking refers to the use of technology to monitor, harass or even frighten someone. Cyberstalking is considered a form of abuse, and like all forms of abuse, it exists on a continuum from relatively harmless to severe and dangerous. According to Williams, cyberstalking can be as minor as frequently viewing someone’s social media accounts to keep tabs on their activities, but it can escalate to more intrusive behaviors.
Some abusers will engage in stalking behaviors like accessing and reading one’s emails or texts without their knowledge, monitoring phone logs, using spyware, hacking into personal accounts, or repeatedly sending threatening or harassing messages.” At its most extreme, Williams says, “cyberstalking can involve doxxing (publishing personal information online), impersonation, or relentless digital harassment.”
Often, an abuser will cyberstalk their partner because they feel a sense of jealousy or possessiveness over them. The abuser might want to ensure their partner isn’t seeking support from others, or soliciting a relationship from someone else. They may fear their partner has contacted a shelter, a therapist or perhaps even a lawyer in an attempt to leave the relationship. Of course, learning this information without their partner’s knowledge gives the abuser an upper hand in arguments, and leads to deep feelings of anxiety and uncertainty in victims.
My Experience With Cyberstalking
At one point in my controlling relationship, our family moved to a different town, and I began to explore activities outside our home and make friends in our new community. My husband was clearly uncomfortable with this, and soon began to suspect I was cheating.
Our marriage quickly deteriorated as he became more controlling than usual. I began to notice that my husband would mention things during arguments that he should have no way of knowing. He would often make reference to a particular event or situation, or use a certain phrase that gave me an eerie sense that he somehow had knowledge he shouldn’t have.
One day, I consulted with a lawyer about potentially separating. Even though I carefully covered my tracks, my husband confronted me about it the very next day, and even knew the lawyer’s full name. I was shocked. At that point, I knew I was being surveilled. The sense of violation and lack of security this brought about is hard to describe: it leaves you with a feeling that you have nowhere to turn. No safe avenue to go to when you need support or help to leave your relationship. And this is a hallmark of coercive controlling relationships. In my case, it turns out that my husband had added his fingerprint to my computer when he set it up for me, which allowed him unlimited access to my email any time he wanted it.
Examples of Cyberstalking in an Intimate Relationship
The examples you’ll find listed below are common methods of cyberstalking within a relationship. If you think you’re being stalked, either online or physically, it’s a good idea to contact law enforcement to have them help you determine the next best steps to take.
- Checking or monitoring emails on a partner’s personal email account
- Installing a keystroke logger on a partner’s computer to determine what they’re doing/researching, or who they’re talking to
- Creating a fake social media profile in order to follow a partner’s social media activities
- Installing security cameras anywhere inside or outside the shared home without a partner’s knowledge
- Downloading tracking and/or monitoring apps onto a partner’s phone
- Using Shared Cloud to store/access/review data from a partner’s phone, without their knowledge or consent
The Effects of Cyberstalking on Victims
Having first-hand experience with cyberstalking in an intimate relationship, I can attest to its devastating effects on one’s sense of safety and security. According to Williams, “cyberstalking creates an environment of fear and anxiety, where the victim feels constantly watched and powerless.” What’s worse, if there’s an imbalance in the level of technical knowledge between the stalker and the victim, it can lead to incredible feelings of frustration for the victim, who ends up feeling like their partner is always “one step ahead” of them.
Often, victims of cyberstalking experience a range of emotional and psychological issues, says Williams, including severe anxiety, depression, PTSD, and a pervasive sense of isolation. “The victim may start to question their reality, feel trapped in the relationship, and experience a significant loss of autonomy.”
The Link Between Cyberstalking and Intimate Partner Violence
What’s more, recent research indicates that cyberstalking is much more than simply an annoying and invasive act. There is growing research that links cyberstalking to intimate partner violence (IPV). According to the Stalking Prevention, Awareness and Resource Center, abusive partners who stalk are more likely (than abusive partners who do not stalk) to…use a weapon to attack, sexually assault, and/or physically injure their victims.
Cyberstalking is often an extension of traditional forms of abuse, providing the abuser with another avenue to exert control and dominance over their partner. “The digital nature of cyberstalking allows the abuser to maintain control even when physically separated from the victim, making it a particularly dangerous aspect of intimate partner violence,” says Williams.
Help for Victims of Cyberstalking In An Intimate Relationship
If you’ve been a victim of cyberstalking by your own partner, or you’re currently in this type of situation, it’s important to understand that there are some steps you can take to help regain your privacy. But before you take any of the actions listed below, remember to always take measures to ensure your own safety and confidentiality.
- Check the Find My app on your iPhone. This app can be used to track your phone’s location unbeknownst to you. It can also track airpods, an Apple Watch, Airtags and other devices.
- Have your phone checked by a cybersecurity expert, if you think it’s been compromised. “Signs that someone might be accessing your phone include unusual battery drain, your phone operating slower than usual, or data usage spikes that you can’t explain,” Williams says.
- Stop sharing location unless it’s necessary. Note that your partner will know when you stop, so be prepared to have a discussion about it.
- Have your vehicle swept. Take your vehicle to a dealership or auto shop to have them sweep it for GPS trackers. A repair shop that installs car alarms and/or stereo systems seems to be the best bet here. Failing that, you can contact your local police department to see if they’d be willing to sweep your vehicle for you.
- Purchase a hidden camera detector. This can help you identify any hidden cameras in your home or car.
- Change your passwords frequently for things like your phone, laptop and security system.
- Have your laptop scanned. Take your personal laptop to Best Buy or a similar computer repair shop to have it scanned. Some stores or businesses are willing to run diagnostic software on your computer that can detect whether someone has remote access, or if any tracking software has been installed on your computer. “If you notice that files have been modified or accessed without your knowledge, or if your system is running slower than usual, it could be a sign of remote access,” says Williams.
At its most basic level, cyberstalking breaks the bond of trust that needs to exist between two people in an intimate relationship. But it also represents a red flag for possible escalation to physical violence, or more harmful forms of stalking and/or endangerment. If you suspect your partner is using technology to stalk you, consult this article for steps you can take to protect yourself and your devices. And if you can safely do so, it might be a good idea to document any hard evidence with your local police station, a lawyer or another trusted confidant.
Featured image: Coercive control and cyberstalking. Source: F8 \ Suport Ukraine / Adobe Stock.
