I met my former spouse under unfortunate circumstances when I was just 16. We were both liberal Muslims who acknowledged our faith but did not actively practice it. She came from a family that was sadly riddled with abuse. Her late mother, her siblings, and she herself were victims of her father’s violent behavior. After our marriage, I discovered the shocking truth that she had also been sexually abused by her brother and cousin. I later came to understand that she maintained a significant attachment to both her brother and cousin, a connection that persisted until the unfortunate dissolution of our marriage last year.
Early Marriage
We got married a few years later when I was 19 and she was 20. The initial years of our marriage were as one might expect—we accepted each other for who we were and relished the freedom of not having to conceal our relationship, as we had done during our courtship due to cultural norms.
I come from a family blessed with generational wealth, while she came from a family heavily reliant on the welfare system. In retrospect, our contrasting socio-economic backgrounds should have served as a warning sign, a point underscored by my family before our marriage. However, I overlooked these cautionary signals, believing that I was truly in love.
Radical Change
The trouble started when her brother, a drug taker, drinker, and womanizer, decided to suddenly become a radical Muslim. It resulted in my wife coming home one day after a visit wearing a black burqa. I was shocked, as this was a woman who had previously worn western clothes, drank alcohol, and smoked cannabis. She also decided she would no longer wear color and would only wear black in public. I tried my best to challenge it, but now with a young child, I put up with it.
It got worse. From changing her own persona and appearance, she began to try and enforce radical religious rules upon me and our children. She often used the threat of her brothers resorting to violence and taking my children to a Muslim country if I didn’t comply.
Control and Isolation
My wife then started using intimacy as a weapon, withholding it if I did not comply with the conditions she set.
In 2007, my world was plunged into darkness with the loss of my father. This profound grief led me to seek refuge in gambling, a temporary escape from the pain and torment I was experiencing. Later, she used this as a tool to exert control over every facet of my life.
The Breaking Point
By 2012, we had three children. However, the oppressive control had become insufferable. However, out of fear for her family and deep concern for our children, I found myself enduring the abuse.
One night in July 2012, I went out with friends and had a drink. We took some pictures, and in these pictures, we were around a mixed group of people, both male and female. One of the females took a shine to me and sent me some messages that evening. Without my knowledge, my wife went into my phone and saw these images. I was awoken at 3 am by her brothers entering my property and forcibly removing my wife and our children from our home.
I spent months trying to contact her while trying to focus on work, to no avail. My family and friends tried, but they would not respond. Eventually, her brother, who is now sadly deceased, managed to make contact with her for me. Ironically, he ran an escort agency, which is far from Islamic, but they only worried about controlling others, not their own.
A Slavery Contract
In November 2012, I was invited to her father’s home where, under the fear of never seeing my children again, they made me sign a contract that effectively enslaved me. Here are some snippets of what the contract entailed:
- I will complete my obligatory salah, fast, go to Jummah, and give to charity.
- I will not have any contact or mix freely with women I should not be around.
- I will stop all associations with my friends who commit haram (‘forbidden’) acts.
- I will immediately cease all haram acts such as drinking alcohol, going to pubs and clubs, gambling, and taking drugs.
- I will give my wife all access and control of my financial assets.
- If there are any big financial decisions, I would like her to consult me, but she will have the final say, as she will have my and my children’s best interest at heart.
- If any of these demands are broken, I will leave my marital home, leaving my wife and kids to continue with their lives.
Living in Fear
The clauses and the contract I was forced to sign amounted to nothing short of slavery. However, without hesitation, I signed it, driven by the fear of being alienated from my children, whom I had not seen in several months.
It did not stop there. Now that they had me under this abusive contract, she took full control of my life. She would follow me around like a shadow, and if I ever argued back, she would remind me of the contract.
The Struggle Continues
My children were unable to visit my family or stay overnight with them, but they were allowed to do so with her family whenever they wanted. Her brother began to dictate our lives, and we were not allowed to have pictures up in the house or play music, as this was deemed haram.
The abuse continued, and they began to exploit the fact that my family had money. She stopped working by choice after our daughter was born in 2007 and has not worked a day since. I tried my best to financially support her. But by now, we had six children and, as you can imagine, a family of eight is quite an expense to cover on one wage.
I pleaded with her to work, but she refused, citing that Islam says the man should provide and the woman does not have to work. So again, I accepted this. She began to try to start numerous businesses, all of which failed, losing thousands of pounds in the process. Then she decided she wanted to be an Islamic author. I supported her, thinking that if it kept her occupied, it would give me a brief respite from the abuse.
Over time, I became a prisoner in my own skin and contemplated suicide on numerous occasions. However, thinking about my children kept me from acting on these thoughts. I no longer felt like a man and experienced deep embarrassment in public settings, suffering in silence.
Further Isolation and Control
In 2017, my brother kindly gave me money to buy a home, and her family began pressuring me to put this in her name, which I refused.
Her younger brother, a known drug dealer, stored his drug money in my home against my wishes. He openly bragged about it in front of my children, often flaunting the money in their faces. The hypocrisy was glaring: it was acceptable for her brother to ignore his faith, but for me, there was no leniency.
I began to challenge her behavior and I started to stand up for myself. However, I was without any support – she had isolated me from my family, who I had not seen for almost three years.
Final Straw
In July 2023, I organized a party to celebrate my daughter’s GCSE exam results with our family. Everything was arranged, and she initially agreed to the plan. However, one night, she abruptly informed me that she was taking the children to her dad’s place in London for two weeks, destroying the planned celebration with my family.
This was the final straw. Regrettably, I lost my cool, swore at her, and called her family scum. I told her to get out of my house. The following morning, I went to work. When I returned home, I found that my children’s passports and birth certificates, along with her valuables and a small amount of clothing, were gone.
For several days, I tried calling and texting her and her family, but I was being ignored. Then I got a call from my daughter, crying, stating her family was discussing and advising her to make false allegations of abuse against me. When my daughter spoke out, she was threatened with violence by her maternal uncle.
My daughter and son were then sent to another house so their mother and family could discuss in secret. My daughter called me again, stating she was being held against her will. I advised her to call the police and make her way to my brother’s home in London. She managed to escape, and I left work to go to London. I collected five of my six children, who have since been in my care.
Court Battles
I initiated court proceedings, but my youngest child, who is seven, is still in her care and exposed to this radical family of abusers. This resulted in their mother blocking all of my children on her phone and changing her number.
Since our separation, she has made several false allegations of various forms of abuse, a common occurrence in family court proceedings. I remain hopeful that justice will prevail and my son will be reunited with me and his siblings.
She has even enlisted her lovers and family to harass both myself and our children via social media. Without my knowledge or consent, she changed my youngest son’s GP and school. I have had to pursue these agencies to gain access to my son’s details and progress. She even instructed the school not to allow me to pick up my son, a directive the school later rescinded after I challenged them, as there were no legal grounds for such a restriction.
Hope for the Future
We have been in court for nearly a year now. During this time, my child has been indoctrinated to the extent that he harbors hatred for Jewish people and non-Muslims. Despite my best efforts and presenting sufficient evidence, agencies responsible for protecting individuals have refused to take any action.
I have been undergoing counseling to cope with the abuse I have endured. However, it deeply saddens me that services do not take the abuse suffered by men as seriously as they do with women. Abuse is not gender-specific, and anyone can be a victim.
Looking back, the journey has been excruciating, filled with moments of despair and helplessness. My wife’s radical transformation and the subsequent control she exerted over every aspect of my life turned our marriage into a prison. The manipulation, threats, and coercion I faced were relentless. Yet, amid the darkness, my children’s well-being and the support of my family have kept me grounded.
Featured image: Male victim of domestic abuse. Source: StockSnap / Pixabay.
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