In controlling or abusive relationships, the expression of anger by the partner being controlled is not just unwelcome; it can be downright unsafe.
An abuser’s disdain for his partner’s anger is not about a dislike for loud voices or heated arguments; it is about loss of control. When a woman stands up for herself, it directly challenges the abuser’s power, making him feel threatened. Abusers cannot handle their partner asserting independence or challenging their authority. Therefore, they see anger as an act of defiance. That is intolerable and unacceptable to any controlling person.
Lundy Bancroft, author of ‘Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Man’, has spent over three decades working with male perpetrators of violence against women. He explains that one reason an abusive man reacts so strongly to his partner’s anger is because he considers himself above reproach. The second reason is that he senses there is power in his partner’s anger:
“If you have space to feel and express your rage, you will be better able to hold on to your identity and to resist his suffocation of you. He tries to take your anger away in order to snuff out your capacity to resist his will” (Bancroft, 2002, pp59).
Finally, he sees his partner’s anger as a challenge to his authority. He will typically respond by overpowering his partner with anger that is far greater than theirs:
“One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise, and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone” (Bancroft, 2002, p. 60).
The Abuser’s Anger
Many people believe that abusers have a problem with managing their anger and that the problem would be resolved if they were to take anger-management classes. However, Bancroft explains that abusers do not have a problem with their anger; they have a problem with their partner’s anger.
They also do not have a problem with controlling or managing anger. This evidenced by the fact that they will almost never unleash their rage in public but will wait until they are behind closed doors.
An anger management program would not help an abusive person because “his entitlements would just keep producing more anger. His attitudes are what need to change.” (Bancroft, 2002, p. 60).
At the root of an abuser’s anger is the need to dominate. They carry attitudes that produce rage and will continue to produce rage so long as their partner is not able to follow all his rules or meet all his demands. Since an abuser’s demands are unrealistic and often unattainable, it means they will be angry a lot of the time.
The Consequences of Speaking Up
When a woman dares to express dissent or anger, she will usually face criticism, dismissal, blame, gaslighting, or even more severe abuse. It will rarely, if ever, lead to the abuser understanding or reflecting on his behavior. More often than not, it will lead to an escalation of abuse.
Carol Lambert, in her book ‘Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner,’ details how abusers will often use the woman’s anger as a pretext for further abuse, framing himself as the provoked party. Phrases like “If you hadn’t gotten so angry, I wouldn’t have reacted that way” are typical. It shifts the blame and makes the woman feel guilty for her natural emotional response. This cycle of abuse and victim-blaming leads many women to suppress their anger, fearing further retaliation or misunderstanding.
A woman expressing anger might also be accused of being the truly controlling or abusive one in the relationship. Accusations such as “You’re out of control” or “You’re crazy” are common gaslighting techniques. They aim to make her doubt her own feelings and sanity. In this twisted narrative, the abuser casts himself as the victim, eliciting guilt and confusion in his partner. This leads her to believe she was in the wrong for getting angry.
“When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are” (Bancroft, 2002, p. 60)
My abusive ex-husband would fly into rages if I ever dared to say ‘no’ to something he wanted or something he believed. However, if I were to ever show even the smallest hint of anger, he would tell me that I have “serious psychological issues”, that I was “crazy”, “insane”, or “didn’t know how to think.” I learned to keep my anger to myself. It simply wasn’t worth the verbal assault that would follow.
The Impact of Suppression
An abuser’s psychological manipulation effectively devalues the woman’s experiences and intimidates her into silence. The underlying message is clear: expressing anger is asking for trouble. Over time, women in such relationships learn to suppress their anger, internalizing it rather than risking further conflict. This suppression leads to confusion and a diminished ability to discern between reasonable and unreasonable anger, eroding her sense of self and her ability to stand up for her rights and needs.
Carol Lambert explains that anger is a crucial emotional signal. It indicates when boundaries have been crossed and helps individuals recognize unfair or hurtful behavior. Anger, when understood and appropriately expressed, can be a tool for holding the abuser accountable and asserting one’s rights.
However, anger is not just a sign of something wrong; it’s a necessary emotion for empowerment. It helps in understanding one’s own needs, and ultimately, in fostering a sense of strength and assertiveness. Recognizing and owning one’s anger is a step towards reclaiming independence, challenging the abusive dynamics, and moving towards a healthier self-image.
Ultimately, it is important for victims to experience and understand that their anger is a legitimate, healthy response to abuse and control.
References
Bancroft, Lundy. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Penguin Publishing Group.
Lambert, Carol A. (2016). Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner. New Harbinger Publications.
