Post-separation stalking is a deeply distressing reality for many survivors of domestic violence. It occurs when an abuser refuses to relinquish control after the relationship has ended, subjecting their former partner to relentless monitoring, intimidation, and harassment. For many survivors, escaping an abusive relationship does not mark the end of their suffering—it signals the beginning of a terrifying new chapter where they are constantly surveilled, followed, and threatened.
Understanding Post-Separation Stalking
Post-separation stalking is a coercive tactic used by abusers to maintain dominance and control over their victims. It can take many forms, including in-person surveillance, cyberstalking, tracking devices, and even using others to monitor or threaten the survivor. Victims often feel trapped, unable to live freely or without fear of being watched.
Survivors describe this experience as a persistent psychological terror: “It felt like I was living in a cage with invisible bars. Every step I took, every message I sent, every place I visited—he knew. I stopped going out, stopped talking to people, even changed my routines, but nothing made it stop. It was like being hunted. I was always afraid of what he might do next.”
Another survivor recounted: “I increasingly became aware that he monitored my phone usage, having messages pop up whilst I was online, commenting on a restless night if I’d been awake. He’d turn up at my home or where I was dog walking or riding. But I dismissed them as ‘happy’ coincidences. Now, I realize I was being tracked.”
The Alarming Prevalence of Post-Separation Stalking
The statistics surrounding post-separation stalking reveal the dangerous reality that many survivors face. A 2024 report by the Domestic Violence Death Review Team (DVDRT) in Australia found that stalking was a contributing factor in nearly three-quarters of cases where women were murdered by an ex-partner. Additionally, nearly two-thirds of the 244 domestic violence-related homicides analyzed involved a woman being killed during or shortly after a separation.
In the United States, the issue is equally dire. The Stalking Prevention Awareness and Resource Center reported that 40% of stalking victims are targeted by a current or former intimate partner. Of those stalked by a former partner, 74% had previously experienced violence or coercive control in the relationship.
These statistics likely underestimate the true scale of the problem, as many survivors do not report their experiences out of fear that authorities will dismiss or ignore their concerns.
Survivors Speak Out: The Endless Fear
For those subjected to post-separation stalking, the trauma does not end when the relationship is over. Instead, abusers continue to find ways to exert power, making every aspect of their victims’ lives feel unsafe.
One survivor described the suffocating restrictions imposed on her: “I can’t leave the house unless I’m with him. If people come over, they aren’t allowed to use the front door. I’m padlocked inside, he has the only key. My windows are screwed shut, no bathroom door. I’m being voice recorded 24/7. Everything I need has to come from him, and I don’t always get it. I can’t visit my mother or even be alone with my daughter.”
Others face direct physical danger and home intrusions: “He literally tried to force open the bars on the doors and windows of my rental cottage. He said he was only doing it because I ‘needed dog food’ and he was bringing me some. It was 2 a.m.”
Another woman shared her chilling experience: “No matter where I went, he was there—lurking just out of reach, but close enough to remind me he was watching. I’d see his car parked near my job, get messages commenting on places I had just been, and even mutual acquaintances would casually drop hints that he ‘knew’ what I was up to. It was relentless, like a shadow I could never escape.”
The Psychological Toll of Post-Separation Stalking
The ongoing fear and stress caused by post-separation stalking have devastating effects on survivors’ mental health. Many experience severe anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as a result of the continuous harassment and threats.
One woman recounted: “I moved from Kentucky to Boston and he flew up there and called me. It’s been 10 years, and he persists. Insane.”
Another survivor described the lasting trauma: “My ex-boyfriend from high school came halfway across the country to stalk me in college after I broke up with him. He got a job working for my landlord and had access to my apartment. He’d follow me, and he came to my door in the middle of the night. It took years to shake off the trauma, and I still feel like I have to be careful.”
One woman shared her exhaustion from living in constant fear: “I just want to get divorced and never, ever want to see or hear from him again. I gave all of me to someone who didn’t deserve it. I am healing, slowly rebuilding myself, but the fear never really leaves.”
Technology as a Tool for Stalkers
In today’s digital world, technology has made post-separation stalking even more pervasive. Abusers frequently use spyware, hacked accounts, GPS tracking, and smart home devices to continue their control.
One survivor explained: “His phone was permanently logged into my Find My Phone so he could see where I was at all times. The login details for every app on my phone were also on his phone. Every text I sent also went straight to his phone.”
Another shared: “Mine hacked into the account of the new business I started and sent himself emails from there and some of my accounts. He admits it in court. He tells the court I must return home. He thinks he is untouchable.”
A third described extreme digital surveillance: “My ex checked the satnav in my car, opened all my post without permission, and installed covert cameras around the property. He took 30 pages of screenshots of my social media posts to claim slander and defamation.”
Urgent Need for Legal Reform
Post-separation stalking is a serious crime that requires urgent attention. Survivors should not have to live in fear while the legal system fails to hold their abusers accountable. Stronger laws, improved police response, and enhanced survivor protections are essential.
Many survivors report that legal measures, such as restraining orders, offer little protection: “He sat on his motorcycle just far enough away from restraining order distance with a scarf covering his mouth. He broke into my place through a window he knew was old, left flowers, candy, and a card. When I put up a camera, he would routinely come by and wave at it. The police did nothing.”
To combat post-separation stalking, authorities must take survivor reports seriously, enforce stricter penalties, and implement better digital protections. Restraining orders alone are often not enough—more comprehensive safety measures must be in place.
Breaking the Cycle of Fear
For too many survivors, post-separation stalking prevents them from moving forward. They remain trapped in fear, unable to reclaim their independence. Raising awareness and advocating for stronger protections is crucial in breaking this cycle of control and terror.
No survivor should be left to fend for themselves while their abuser remains free to torment them. It is time to recognize post-separation stalking for the serious and life-altering crime that it is—and to take action to ensure survivors are truly free.
Featured image: Post-separation stalking. Source: Joerch / Adobe Stock.
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
