The holiday season is often seen as a time of warmth, celebration, and cherished moments with loved ones. Yet, for those in abusive relationships, Christmas can become another tool for control and manipulation. Instead of joy, abusers create tension, chaos, and distress, leaving their partners emotionally drained.
Making Everything About Them
Abusers excel at centering every occasion around their own desires, and Christmas is no exception. They demand that the festivities align with their expectations, leaving no space for their partner’s preferences or traditions.
One survivor recalled, “My husband would invite his friends around for Christmas Day lunch without asking me. I wanted to have a private family occasion, but my opinion didn’t matter, and of course, I was expected to prepare a grand lunch for everyone he invited!”
Abusers often take control of family plans, dismissing their partner’s input entirely. For others, the pattern is disengagement. Another survivor shared, “I find they sit around at the holidays like a spectator watching, never engaged… they find other places to go instead of enjoying the family they have around. They don’t give you gifts, or they lie that it’s in the mail knowing that it isn’t. But don’t you dare cry about it because then you’re ‘money hungry’ or ‘selfish.’ Then you get the silent treatment for days.”
Cutting You Off from Loved Ones
Holidays like Christmas often bring families and friends closer together, but abusers may use this time to isolate their partners further. They feel threatened by the idea of their partner connecting with others, fearing exposure of their behavior or loss of control.
To maintain their grip, abusers create excuses to prevent holiday visits or gatherings. One survivor shared, “I haven’t spent the Christmas holidays with family in six years and that’s because of him.”
Whether by fabricating obligations, guilt-tripping, or feigning illness, abusers aim to keep their partners disconnected and dependent.
Creating Chaos and Drama
For many survivors, the holidays are fraught with tension and unpredictability. What should be a time of celebration becomes an arena for the abuser’s self-centered dramatics.
“He’d have a temper tantrum and make it all about him,” one survivor explained. Others described abusers picking fights over trivial details—like how gifts were wrapped or the decorations chosen.
As one survivor summarized, “Every holiday, special event, or any day didn’t matter to him. They are purveyors of chaos and drama.” Another added, “One of my many abusers liked to send disruptive letters that would arrive just before holidays.”
This calculated chaos serves a purpose: it diverts attention from the joy of the season and repositions the abuser as the focal point.
Using Children as Tools for Control
For those who share children with an abuser, Christmas becomes another battlefield. Abusers may manipulate children to maintain power over their former partners, especially post-separation.
One survivor recounted, “After leaving my abusive husband, I told him I wouldn’t be getting him a Christmas present but would get one for our son to give him, and he agreed. However, on Christmas Day, he gave me an extravagant gift in front of our child and then complained to our son that I hadn’t gotten him anything. My son was deeply upset, thinking I had hurt his dad, but it was all a calculated performance.”
Another survivor shared, “My niece is safely living with us now. Her son had a supervised visit with his dad two days ago. The father bought him a bike for Christmas, but at the end of the visit, took the bike back so that it was at his place. Her child came home crying.”
Such behavior not only hurts children but also sabotages the relationship between them and the protective parent, reinforcing the abuser’s control.
Exploiting Faith and Spirituality
Abusers may also target their partner’s religious beliefs during the holidays, weaponizing spirituality to reinforce their dominance.
They might prevent attendance at religious services, severing ties with supportive faith communities, or insist on participation in rituals that conflict with the victim’s beliefs.
This manipulation serves to isolate and control. By dictating religious practices, the abuser positions themselves as the ultimate authority, eroding their partner’s autonomy and sense of self.
Why the Holidays Amplify Abuse
The heightened abuse during holidays stems from several factors:
- Demanding Attention: Christmas centers on shared joy, which abusers perceive as a threat. They may sabotage events to ensure the spotlight stays on them.
- Manipulation Opportunities: Special occasions become tools for control, whether through manipulative gifting or calculated drama.
- Stress Amplification: The pressure to create a “perfect” holiday gives abusers an excuse to criticize or create conflict.
- Destroying Happiness: Seeing their partner happy can provoke feelings of insecurity, leading them to undermine moments of joy.
- Threatened by Reconnection: Holidays often encourage closeness with others—a dynamic that undermines their control.
For survivors, these patterns frequently persist after separation, with tactics like manipulative gift-giving and guilt-tripping escalating.
Reclaiming Joy Amidst the Chaos
Despite the challenges, it’s possible to find moments of peace and happiness during the holidays. Here are strategies to help you reclaim your joy:
Anticipate and Detach
Understand that their behavior stems from their own insecurities. Remind yourself: “This is about them, not me.” By emotionally detaching, you regain power over your responses.
Create Your Own Traditions
Engage in activities that bring you joy, whether it’s treating yourself to something special, watching a favorite holiday movie, or taking a peaceful walk. Small moments of self-care can renew your spirit.
Focus on the Children
If you have kids, center the holidays around them. Bake cookies, read stories, or create crafts together. These simple acts can bring stability and joy, even amidst the chaos.
Reconnect with Support
If your abuser isolates you, find alternative ways to reach out—send a card, make a phone call, or write an email. Small steps can rebuild the connections you need.
Nurture Your Faith
If spirituality is important to you, don’t let them sever that connection. Attend virtual services, or engage in personal prayer to maintain your bond with your beliefs.
Plan Ahead
For those sharing custody, establish boundaries. Decide what to share and document manipulative actions. Legal safeguards may also protect you if needed.
Your Joy Matters
While abusers may try to control the holiday season, remember: their actions do not define your experience. Each year is an opportunity to reclaim your happiness and create traditions that reflect your resilience.
Lean on those who care for you, set firm boundaries, and remind yourself that you are worthy of peace, love, and joy this season.
Featured image: How abusers ruin Christmas. Source: lovelyday / Adobe Stock.* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
