Violence rarely happens without warning. Before an abuser physically harms you, they often reveal their intentions through their actions. They might punch a wall before they punch you. They may hurl objects before throwing you. They could kick a pet before kicking you. These behaviors are not accidental, nor are they simply a sign of a bad temper. They are clear warning signs of violence.
Survivors often reflect on the moments before the abuse turned physical—when the warning signs were there, but they didn’t yet recognize them. Perhaps you’ve noticed these signs, or maybe you’re seeing them now. Trust your instincts. Pay attention to what they are showing you.
How Violence Builds Over Time
Before physical violence begins, abusers often push boundaries in other ways. It can start with intimidation, damaging property, or harming animals. These behaviors serve two purposes: to instill fear, and to test what they can get away with.
One survivor recalled, “He’d clench his fists and bite his finger, then shake his hand. Before that, he’d scream at me on the phone. I knew to behave when he’d do this.”
Another survivor shared, “There was a hole in his parents’ wall for about 30 years. No one patched it. They hung a picture over it. They’d repaired so many others they just got tired of doing it, and his dad said it was up to him to repair it. Until he finally hit me, I was scared of the threat of it.”
At first, these acts might seem minor—slamming a door, breaking a dish, punching a wall. But they are not simply displays of anger. They are calculated efforts to intimidate and control.
Believe Them When They Show You Who They Are
Abusers don’t always begin with direct violence. Before they physically harm someone, they may reveal their violent tendencies in more subtle ways:
- Saying things like, “I could hit something right now!”
- Slamming or breaking objects
- Punching walls or flipping over furniture
- Handling a pet aggressively or intentionally causing harm
- Blocking doorways to keep you from leaving
- “Playfully” hitting or pinching—but harder than necessary
- Pretending to carry out a violent act, such as mimicking strangling
- Pushing or shoving you, even in routine situations
One survivor described, “I tried to walk away so many times, and he would physically stop me. One time I tried to run from him into the bathroom, and he caught me and locked me inside with him. Another time he ‘stalked’ me, looming over me and advancing until he had me backed into a corner. The look in his eyes and the pure calculated threat in his movements made it scarier than any of the times he actually laid hands on me. If only I could have just walked away.”
Another survivor recalled, “He used to push me if he thought I was in his way—while cooking, while walking past him, even while I was driving if I bent down to pick up my bag. At first, I thought he was just impatient, but then I realized it was always about control.”
Destruction of Property: A Warning of What’s to Come
When an abuser begins destroying objects, it’s rarely just out of frustration—it’s a demonstration of power, a message that they can break more than just things.
One survivor shared, “Punching holes in the wall, slamming doors off the hinges, breaking and smashing stuff… then outright telling me he would have members of my family abducted and murdered. I knew then that I had to get out.”
Another survivor described how it escalated over time: “He broke more of mine and the kids’ things than I can count. Then he’d come with the ‘sincere’ apologies when I confronted him about it. But the next time he got angry, he’d do it all over again.”
When They Hurt Animals, They May Hurt You Next
Many abusers start their violence with those who cannot defend themselves—pets, small animals, or even children. Pet abuse is a clear warning signs of violence.
One survivor shared, “He had killed my two rabbits but made two separate excuses—one ‘died’ and the other ‘went missing’ while he watched them when I was in class. There were a lot of holes in the walls in every place we lived.”
Another survivor recalled, “He kicked a family dog so hard they thought he broke its ribs. He showed no emotion. That should have been enough for me to leave.”
Physical Restraint Is a Form of Abuse
Many victims experience being physically restrained before experiencing outright violence. If someone blocks your way, pins you down, or stops you from leaving a room, this is abuse—not just a warning sign.
One survivor explained, “Physically restraining me from leaving the house. I told him then that he was one step away from being a wife-beater, but in actual fact, physically restraining someone is also assault.”
Another survivor described, “His eyes would turn from blue to black, his face would turn red, and he would puff his chest out. Then he would start blocking my exit routes with his body, following me from room to room, yelling as I tried to just get away from him.”
The Predictable Pattern of Escalation
Violence is not random. It follows a clear, predictable pattern, often beginning with verbal and emotional abuse before progressing to physical harm. Many survivors report that the emotional wounds inflicted by an abuser’s words were just as damaging—if not worse—than the physical violence that followed. The cycle of abuse typically unfolds as follows:
- Verbal and Emotional Abuse – Insults, humiliation, gaslighting, belittling, or degrading comments designed to erode your self-esteem and make you doubt yourself.
- Intimidation – Yelling, slamming doors, breaking things, punching walls, or using body language to instill fear.
- Control – Monitoring your movements, limiting access to money, preventing you from leaving, or tracking your phone and online activity.
- Threats – Explicitly stating a desire to hurt you, kill someone, kill themselves, or harm a pet. This may also include threats to take away children or destroy things you care about.
- Physical Acts – Pushing, grabbing, “playful” hitting that is too rough, harming pets, or restraining you physically.
- Direct Violence – The first slap, punch, or kick.
One survivor recalled, “At first, it was just yelling—loud enough to make me flinch. Then he started slamming doors so hard the walls shook. Next, he began breaking things—my favorite mug, a picture frame of my family. The first time he grabbed my wrist, he laughed it off like it was nothing. But it wasn’t nothing. A few weeks later, he shoved me so hard I hit the wall. The night he finally hit me, I realized every moment before had been leading to this.”
Another survivor shared, “The last straw was him cornering me and my three-month-old baby and telling me how he fantasized about killing my parents and how he would do it. That was the moment I knew I had to leave. He is deceased now. My daughter and I are safe and happy.”
Your Safety Comes First—Trust the Warning Signs
If you feel unsafe, there is a reason. If they intimidate you, harm pets, break things, or prevent you from leaving, these are warning signs of violence—and they should not be ignored.
A dog will always bark before it bites.
If you see these signs, believe them. Seek help. Make a plan. You deserve to be safe.
Featured image: Warning signs of violence escalation. Source: Marina / Adobe Stock
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
