Leaving an abusive marriage is an act requiring enormous courage and strength. Many women struggle for years alone under the grips of coercive control before talking about their abuse. The fear and embarrassment around exposing their ordeal, as well as the potential consequences keeps many in silence.
Well-meaning comments from friends, family, or colleagues can sometimes deepen the wounds and add to feelings of grief, guilt, and anger. Learn what not to say to a domestic violence victim.
“You guys seemed so happy together.”
This comment dismisses their experience by focusing on what can be seen from the outside and reinforces the idea that if no-one saw them being abused, then it wasn’t really happening or wasn’t that serious. Domestic abuse, especially coercive control and emotional abuse, often happens behind closed doors and out of sight. Victims usually try to maintain some sort of normal façade and hide their suffering – often for fear of the repercussions.
“I know how you feel, my partner can be so controlling too sometimes.”
One person I shared my experience with told me that they knew how I felt because their girlfriend was always monopolizing the bathroom sink! I felt completely belittled, as though I was making a fuss over nothing. Equating occasional controlling behavior with systemic, harmful patterns of abuse minimizes the gravity of their situation. Each person’s experience with control and abuse is unique and deeply personal and no one can know how you really feel.
“We don’t want to pick a side. He has always been nice to us.”
Saying this to someone who has left an abusive marriage implies that their experience of abuse is not significant. By remaining friends with an abuser, you are effectively condoning the abuse, and this contributes to the victim’s feelings of isolation and not being believed.
“Everything happens for a reason.”
This suggests that the abuse was in some way deserved or was meant for the survivor to learn something. It can make them feel as though no one is really acknowledging their pain or standing by their decision to leave an abusive partner. Everyone has their own way of making sense of bad things that happen in the world, but suggesting to a victim that there is a good reason for their abuse is not a constructive way to help.
“If it was so bad, why didn’t you leave sooner?”
This places unjust responsibility for the abuse on the survivor. It also oversimplifies the complexity of abusive relationships and fails to consider the fear, manipulation, and control tactics used by abusers, as well as potential financial, emotional, or safety barriers to leaving. Be aware that people in abusive relationships adapt their behavior and decisions to minimize their risk. It can take victims a long time to leave an abusive relationship because they may have to engage in planning and preparations in order to minimize the consequences for themselves and/or their children.
“Everyone deserves a second chance.”
Not if a person’s physical or emotional safety is at stake! This comment overlooks the patterns of behavior typical in abusive relationships, where “second chances” have often already been given and exploited. Survivors need support and validation for their decision to prioritize their safety and well-being, not suggestions that could put them in harm’s way again.
“I always knew he was controlling.”
This was said to me many times after I left my husband. Until I had done a lot of work on my healing and recovery, it really just left me feeling stupid and ashamed. This comment suggests that the abuse was obvious and can make a survivor feel judged or blamed for not recognizing or acting on the signs of control earlier.
“I know he’s made mistakes, but you should do everything to save your marriage.”
This advice disregards the survivor’s safety and well-being and implies that the responsibility for fixing the relationship lies with them, rather than addressing the abuser’s harmful behavior. Decisions about the relationship should be based on what’s best for the survivor’s physical and emotional health. Remember that each person knows their situation best, and knows the level of risk they are facing, even if that may not be clear to others. Therefore, it is never a good idea to try to impose a decision on someone (e.g. to go back to a relationship).
“I don’t understand, he seemed so nice and friendly.”
It is normal for family and friends to be in a state of shock or surprise when they first hear about the abuse, but a comment like this really invalidates a survivor’s experience by suggesting you are in disbelief based on the abuser’s outward appearance. Abusers can be charming and manipulative, and it can make a victim feel misunderstood and less likely to share their experiences.
“Why did you let him treat you like that? I would never have put up with that.”
Not only does this imply the survivor somehow allowed the abuse, but it suggests they are weak for having endured it. It also places responsibility for the abuse on the victim. Society shouldn’t be asking survivors why they allowed themselves to be abused, rather people should be asking the perpertrators why they chose to abuse their partner.
Words carry a lot of power and can have a big impact on someone navigating the aftermath of an abusive relationship. To contribute positively to a loved one’s journey of healing and rebuilding after abuse, the best approach is to offer unconditional support, listen without judgement, and validate their feelings and experiences. In an upcoming post, I’ll share specific strategies on how to use language to support those after abuse.
