Love is generally celebrated as a source of joy and connection. It’s considered to be the foundation for healthy relationships, a force that heals, strengthens, and brings people closer together. But love can also be misused and twisted into a tool for manipulation, control, and harm. This darker side of love is seldom discussed, yet it plays a significant role in abusive relationships.
When love is used as a weapon, it’s not about care or partnership. Instead, it becomes a calculated strategy designed to manipulate, dominate, and confuse. An abusive partner may use grand gestures, romantic promises, or declarations of love not to foster intimacy, but to disarm their victim, obscure their harmful behavior, and maintain power.
Love Bombing: A Tactic in Manipulative Relationships
One of the most common ways love is weaponized is through love bombing. This tactic involves overwhelming a partner with excessive affection, compliments, and grandiose gestures, creating a whirlwind romance that can feel intoxicating. For example, an abuser might bombard their partner with messages professing undying love, showering them with gifts, or planning elaborate surprises. They may push for rapid commitment, saying things like:
- “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”
- “You’re my soulmate; we’re meant to be together.”
- “I can’t live without you.”
On the surface, this can appear to be a sign of deep affection, however it’s often a manipulative strategy designed to break down boundaries quickly. Abusers know that intense displays of love can make their partner feel cherished and committed. However, this strategy is rarely about genuine connection. It’s a tool to gain control, ensuring their partner becomes emotionally invested and less likely to notice red flags. By fostering intense emotional attachment early on, the abuser gains control and creates a dependency that can be difficult for a victim to escape.
Later in the relationship, love bombing often resurfaces as part of the cycle of abuse. Following an incident of harm, the abuser might flood their partner with apologies, romantic gestures, or promises of change, convincing them to stay. These periods of affection create emotional confusion, leaving the person questioning whether their partner is truly abusive or simply flawed and capable of improvement.
The Push-Pull Effect
Abusers don’t rely on love bombing alone. Once they feel secure in their control, they often alternate between acts of affection and incidents of abuse, One moment, the abuser might be kind, attentive, and loving, and the next, they’re distant, controlling, or cruel, creating a push-pull dynamic that leaves victims reeling.
For instance, after an intense argument or physical aggression, the abuser might suddenly become tender and apologetic, offering heartfelt apologies or physical affection. But these acts of kindness are rarely genuine attempts at reconciliation, they are simply part of a pattern designed to keep a victim emotionally tethered.
This push-pull dynamic keeps individuals in a constant state of confusion. During moments of tenderness, they may feel reassured that their partner truly cares for them, and they may cling to these moments, believing they represent the abuser’s ‘true self’. When abuse resurfaces, they may rationalize it as a temporary lapse, holding onto the hope that the loving side of their partner will return for good.
Over time, this cycle creates a deep emotional dependency. The moments of affection are strategically placed to keep the person in the relationship, while the abuse works to erode their confidence and autonomy. The kind words and romantic gestures that follow abuse make it difficult to see the harm for what it is: a deliberate and cyclical tactic to maintain control.
Control Disguised as “Love” and “Protection”
Perpetrators also use declarations of love as attempts to justify their controlling behavior. By framing their need for dominance as an act of care, they may convince their partner that restrictions or rules are for their benefit.
For instance, an abuser might say: “I don’t want you talking to that friend because they don’t really care about you like I do” or “you don’t need to work; I’ll take care of everything. I just want to keep you safe”. Such statements create the illusion of concern, but they are actually about control. By isolating their partner from friends, dictating their choices, or undermining their independence, the abuser consolidates power while making their partner feel dependent and protected.
This manipulation often extends into every aspect of life, with the abuser taking over finances, decision-making, and even the other person’s sense of self. Because these actions are framed as acts of love, it can be difficult for victims to recognize them as abuse.
The Illusion of Change: Love as a Reset Button
Abusers frequently use love to “reset” the relationship after episodes of harm. When their partner begins to pull away or set boundaries, they might make heartfelt promises of change or grand gestures of affection.
Common tactics include:
- Sending flowers or gifts after an argument.
- Writing long, emotional apologies that emphasize their love.
- Planning romantic outings or promising a better future together.
These acts can feel like proof that the abuser is capable of change. Victims often cling to this hope, believing that the relationship can return to its earlier, happier days. A perpetrator may also send flowers and gifts to the victim’s workplace, convincing others of their love and devotion, which reinforces the individual’s belief in their good intentions and makes it even harder to see the abuse for what it is. However, these promises are rarely genuine. Instead, they serve to re-establish control and prevent the person from leaving. The abuser invokes the positive memories of the relationship’s beginning, urging their partner to “work through this rough patch” in the hope of recapturing those early moments of bliss.
Weaponized Nostalgia: Romanticizing the Past
One of the most insidious ways love is used as a weapon is through nostalgia. Abusers often romanticize the past, reminding their partner of how good things were in the beginning. They might say:
- “Remember how happy we were when we first got together?”
- “I just want to get back to the way we used to be.”
- “I know I’ve made mistakes, but we can have that love again if we just try.”
This manipulation keeps the victim focused on an idealized version of the relationship, blinding them to the harm they’re currently experiencing. By constantly dangling the promise of a better future, the abuser ensures their partner remains invested, even when the relationship is deeply damaging.
When Love Hurts, It’s Not Love
Love is meant to nurture, protect, and uplift—not to dominate, confuse, or control. When love is weaponized, it becomes a tool of abuse that traps victims in a cycle of hope and harm.
If you find yourself questioning whether your partner’s affection is genuine or manipulative, remember this: true love respects your boundaries, supports your independence, and makes you feel safe. Anything less is not love and is, instead, a weapon designed to keep you under control.
References
Lisa Aronson Fontes Ph.D. (2020), Not Falling for That! Resisting control Disguised as Love. Psychology Today.
Lisa Aronson Fontes Ph.D. & Laura Marjorie MillerMar (2020), Resisting Control When It’s Disguised as Love. domesticshelters.org.
Solace (2021), Love bombing: Affection today. Abuse tomorrow. Solace.
Featured Image: In a manipulative relationship, love can be used as a tool to control, confuse and harm. Source: maxbelchenko / Adobe Stock
