Domestic abuse takes many forms, and those who experience it often endure not just physical or emotional harm, but also a constant barrage of excuses meant to justify the abuser’s actions. The excuses abusers give can range from blaming the victim to shifting responsibility onto external factors like stress, addiction, or past trauma.
For survivors, recognizing these manipulative justifications is often a critical step in understanding the abuse they’ve experienced. Here, survivors share the worst excuses their abusers have given for their harmful behaviour.
Blaming the Victim
One of the most common tactics by abusive individuals is an attempt to place the blame squarely on the victim. By convincing their partner that their actions triggered the abuse, the abuser deflects responsibility and makes the victim feel guilty for the situation. Many survivors recall hearing this manipulation repeatedly.
“He told me, ‘You made me do it,’” one survivor shared. “The blame game was constant. If I hadn’t said or done something, according to him, none of it would have happened.”
Another survivor remembered a similar justification: “I was thrown against a car because I asked if he ever really loved me. His excuse? ‘If you hadn’t told me something upsetting, I never would have grabbed you and hurt you. It’s not my fault that I don’t know my own strength.’”
Others have heard variations of the same line: “If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have had to do Y.” It’s a tactic designed to make the victim question their own behaviour, leaving them unsure of where the real fault lies.
Excuses Rooted in Past Trauma
Abusers often lean on their own traumatic experiences to justify their actions, framing themselves as victims who can’t help but lash out. While everyone’s past shapes who they are, it is never acceptable to use this to explain abusive behaviour, no matter how much the abusive person tries to manipulate this narrative to gain sympathy.
“My abuser said his sister molested him when they were kids, and that was why he acted the way he did,” one survivor recalled. “He made it seem like he was as much of a victim as I was.”
Another abuser blamed his upbringing, telling his victim, “It’s how I was raised. My dad used to beat me, so it’s not my fault.”
While some abusers point to their childhood or past trauma, others fabricate entire stories to excuse their actions. “Mine told me he had PTSD from being in the army,” shared one survivor. “He even joined veterans’ groups. Turns out, it was all lies.”
Shifting Responsibility to External Forces
Abusive people often blame external circumstances—substance abuse, mental health struggles, or even supernatural forces—for their actions. This tactic serves to remove accountability, making it seem as though the abuse was beyond their control.
One survivor recounted, “He said the devil had control over him. That’s why he did those things, not because he chose to.”
Others have heard excuses related to intoxication: “I was drunk, I didn’t mean it,” or “I was on drugs, so you can’t hold that against me.” For survivors, these excuses are maddening because they suggest the abuser thinks they aren’t responsible for their actions while intoxicated. But as one person noted, “Being drunk just lowered their inhibitions enough to show me how they really feel.”
Some abusers claim mental health issues as an excuse for their behaviour. “He told me he was having a mental breakdown,” said one individual, while another remembered her abuser saying, “I wasn’t in the right state of mind.”
Gaslighting and Minimization
Gaslighting—making the victim question their perception of reality—is another manipulative tool frequently used by abusers. By minimizing the severity of their actions, they hope to convince the victim that the abuse wasn’t as bad as it seemed.
“He said, ‘I wasn’t trying to kill you; I just wanted you to calm down,’” shared one survivor, who had been physically attacked by her partner. Another person recalled, “He told me I was making up fairy tales. He didn’t remember doing any of the things I said.”
Abusers also minimize their behaviour by comparing it to worse alternatives. “He told me, ‘It’s not as bad as it could have been,’” one survivor remembered. “As if that made it okay.”
Some even try to make their partner feel guilty for questioning their behaviour. One survivor shared, “When he cheated on me, he said that he did it because he thought I was doing it too. He also said that me finding out was self-inflicted harm, because if I hadn’t been suspicious, maybe we wouldn’t have had to break up.”
Justifying the Abuse with “Love”
For many survivors, one of the most confusing and hurtful excuses is when the abusive partner claims their actions were out of love. This tactic exploits the victim’s emotional connection to the abuser, making it harder for them to recognize the abuse for what it is.
“He would tell me, ‘I do this because I love you,’” one individual said. “As if love could justify all the pain he caused.”
Another survivor heard a similar excuse: “He said, ‘I couldn’t get enough of you, that’s why I acted the way I did.’ But in reality, he was just trying to control me.”
Denial and Deflection
In many cases, abusers simply deny their actions or deflect responsibility onto others. This tactic not only invalidates the other person’s experience but also makes it difficult for them to seek help or justice.
“He said, ‘I can’t remember that,’ whenever I confronted him about something,” one survivor recalled. “It was like he was trying to erase everything that happened.”
Another common deflection is the use of moral equivalence, as one person recounted: “He’d say, ‘You aren’t an angel either,’ every time I pointed out his abusive behaviour. It was his way of saying I had no right to call him out, even though I wasn’t the one abusing him.”
The “You’re Too Sensitive” Excuse
A common tactic used by abusers is to make the victim feel like they are overreacting or being overly sensitive to the abuse. By doing this, they invalidate the victim’s emotions and experiences, making it harder for them to speak out.
“He told me, ‘You’re too sensitive, I was just kidding,’” one survivor shared. “But those ‘jokes’ were always meant to hurt.”
Another abusive partner used a similar excuse: “He’d say, ‘I’m kidding,’ every time he insulted me, but it wasn’t a joke. It was manipulation.”
Unbelievable Excuses Abusers Use
Some excuses are so outlandish that they almost seem surreal, yet survivors hear them time and again. One person said, “He told me it wasn’t rape because we were married. As if being married gave him the right to do whatever he wanted.”
Another recalled her abuser’s twisted logic: “He said, ‘I didn’t actually kill them, did I?’ when he threatened our children. That was his reason for why it was ‘okay’ to threaten their lives.”
The excuses abusers use for their behaviour are as varied as they are infuriating. Whether they shift blame onto the victim, point to external factors, or deny responsibility altogether, the goal is the same: to avoid accountability and keep the survivor trapped in the cycle of abuse. For those who have lived through it, recognizing these excuses is an important step in breaking free and reclaiming their lives.
Featured images: Abusers often try to use excuses to justify their actions. Source: deagreez / Adobe Stock
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
