Rebuilding trust and learning to love again after leaving an abusive relationship is often one of the hardest parts of the healing process for survivors. The effects of emotional, physical, and psychological abuse can leave deep scars, and for many, the thought of trusting another person—or even themselves—feels impossible. However, as many survivors have shared, while the journey is difficult, it is also full of small victories and moments of healing.
The Struggle to Trust Again
For many survivors, learning to trust again is not only about trusting others but also about trusting themselves and their own judgment. After years of being manipulated, gaslighted, and controlled, people often question their ability to make good decisions and to recognize red flags. This lack of trust can extend to friends, family members, and future romantic partners.
“I’ve always been a trusting person, but after the abuse, major trust issues are coming to the surface for me. It’s so hard. I’m not sure what this part of the journey will look like yet,” shares one survivor, reflecting on the internal conflict that arises when trust has been broken.
Another survivor comments, “I can’t trust people completely without some reservations. I believe I will always have to be prepared for the unexpected.” For many, this sense of guardedness becomes a form of self-protection, a learned response from years of betrayal.
“I constantly question myself now,” admits another person. “I worry that I’ll miss the signs and fall into the same traps again. Trusting my own judgment feels like the hardest part, because I ignored so many red flags before. I don’t want to make the same mistakes.”
“I could be in a relationship for 20 years and still think the next argument will be the end of it all,” another survivor shares. “The longer the relationship lasts, the more I’m apt to believe I’m being lulled into a false sense of security.” This hypervigilance, born out of previous experiences, often makes it hard for survivors to relax and feel safe, even in healthy relationships.
Learning to Trust After Abuse
Despite the difficulties, survivors also describe the steps they’ve taken to rebuild trust after abuse. For some, it has meant being very selective about who they allow into their lives and how they approach new relationships.
“I adopted a mindset of ‘trust is earned, not immediately freely given,’” one person explains. “It’s like ‘stranger danger’ for adults. Having boundaries, not dismissing red flags, and listening to my intuition has been key.”
For others, the journey starts with learning to trust themselves again after the abusive relationship. “I spent time alone and learned that I can rely on myself to meet my own needs,” one survivor says. “It was then that I realized I was ready to make room for another person in my life.”
This self-reliance is echoed by another individual, who reflects, “I trusted people for years, and they didn’t betray me, so I remind myself that meeting the narcissist won’t stop me from trusting people. But now, my sense of judgment and spotting abusive behaviors is much sharper.”
The Impact of New Relationships
Survivors often find that entering a new, healthy relationship can be both healing and triggering. Many individuals talk about how, after years of abuse, they are conditioned to expect the worst. Even in loving relationships, they may brace themselves for criticism or emotional outbursts, constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“Despite knowing my new partner for years, I spent the first year waiting for the criticism, the screaming, for a reaching hand to be painful instead of gentle,” one survivor recalls. “I’m luckily past that now. REAL love has healed parts of me I had forgotten existed. I feel secure, safe, happy.”
Another survivor reflects on the mental scars that remain despite being in a positive relationship: “It took me a couple of years. I’ve been with my partner for four years now, and he’s so laid-back, but I still sometimes jump if he quietly approaches me. So many mental scars have faded, but they’re always going to be there, tucked away, with triggers waiting.”
These moments of fear, anxiety, and even paranoia are common for survivors. One person admits, “I still feel like I’m waiting for history to repeat itself. If I see any red flags, I’m out. I will never allow myself to be treated or disrespected like that again.”
Healing through Patience and Self-Awareness
While new relationships can bring up past pain, they also offer the opportunity for healing. Survivors speak of partners who are patient, gentle, and understanding of their trauma, helping them feel safe enough to start trusting again.
“I’m with someone who is patient and chill,” one person says. “It took me three years to heal and find a healthy partner. We have the same love language, and it helps.”
Another survivor notes the importance of patience and communication in the healing process: “My husband loves me on the days I’m super productive and loves me just as much when I’m worn out. I still slip into negative thoughts sometimes, but I catch myself and stop them in their tracks. I’m open with him about my past, and he reminds me that he is not ‘that guy.’”
Learning to love again after abuse is not just about finding a supportive partner, though. Many survivors emphasize the importance of self-love, boundaries, and recognizing their own worth. As one survivor puts it, “I had to find myself again before letting anyone else close. I know my worth now.”
The Pain and Joy of New Love
For some survivors, the experience of new love brings up complex emotions, including grief for what was lost in the abusive relationship. As one person explains, “Not only is it wonderful and safe, but it also brings up a lot of grief and anger over everything that was sacrificed for the abusive one. It’s a lot of work, like all relationships, but a little harder because certain things can be unexpectedly triggering.”
Another survivor shares a similar sentiment: “It’s hard. When it’s real, it’s worth it. But the scars and triggers remain. There are good days and bad days, but it’s a journey.”
Yet, despite the difficulties, many survivors describe a profound sense of relief when they finally find a healthy relationship. “I’m no longer exhausted from pretending to be perfect,” one survivor says. “I’m supported. I’m made to feel safe. The world is 180 degrees different than I thought it could ever be.”
Finding Self-Fulfillment
Not every survivor of abuse chooses to re-enter romantic relationships. Some make a conscious decision to remain single, finding peace and fulfillment on their own terms. As one survivor explains, “I chose to stay single because I realized that my happiness and sense of worth no longer depend on someone else. I’ve found joy in my independence, in building a life that’s entirely mine. It’s freeing to know that I don’t need to be in a relationship to feel complete—I can thrive on my own.” This sentiment reflects the empowering realization that healing and happiness can be achieved without the need for romantic love, but through self-love and self-care.
A Journey of Healing
Learning to trust and love again after domestic abuse is a long, winding road. Survivors often carry the scars of their past relationships into their new ones, but with time, patience, and self-awareness, many find healing. Whether it’s through rediscovering self-love, setting boundaries, or finding a partner who truly understands and supports them, the journey is one of resilience and hope.
As one survivor wisely said, “When your own internal guide has been systematically tampered with, it’s an uphill battle to trust your own decisions. But be patient and give yourself grace. Healing is a process, and every step forward is a victory.”
Featured Image: Learning to trust after abuse is often a difficult journey, but it is possible! Source: fantom_rd / Adobe Stock
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
