Abusive relationships often operate on control, manipulation, and sacrifice—though not sacrifices that are mutually made for the benefit of the relationship. Instead, these sacrifices are one-sided, demanded by the abuser to serve their own needs and maintain power. For survivors, the list of what they’ve been asked—or forced—to give up for their abuser can be extensive, ranging from relationships and dreams to core aspects of their identity.
Here’s a closer look at the sacrifices that many survivors have shared, illuminating the profound costs of being in a controlling and abusive relationship.
Career Ambitions and Personal Growth
Abusers often feel threatened by their partner’s independence, whether it’s financial or intellectual. Many survivors report being pressured to give up their careers, education, and any form of self-improvement.
One survivor recalled: “I put my entire life and career on hold, so when he found a job after university, we could be in the same country. I made many decisions for ‘us’ knowing full well he’d never make the same sacrifice for me.” The emotional toll of knowing that their sacrifices will never be reciprocated is profound.
Another survivor recounted the heartbreaking moment of wanting to return to school: “I put him through medical school and residency then had 5 babies. I wanted to go back to college when they were all in school and he said no. He needed his MBA, and I couldn’t be distracted by my own studies.”
The message from the abuser is clear: their partner’s dreams and ambitions must be secondary to their own, if not entirely dismissed.
Freedom and Autonomy
Abusers also attempt to strip away their partner’s sense of autonomy and decision making powers, dictating what they can wear, who they can speak to, and even what they can believe.
One survivor shared how their abuser wanted control over their political views, religious practices, and even day-to-day activities: “Don’t work (it’s for losers). Don’t go to school (it’s for losers who just want to sleep with each other). Become a Christian (but don’t go to Church – that’s for posers). Don’t spend time with my friends (losers).”
Another survivor reflected on the all-encompassing nature of the demands: “My first career, personality, hobbies, likes, individual thought processes, time, money, holidays, friends, going out (even with him only). Actually, everything, including the house, and the shirt on my back.”
These tactics ensure victims feel isolated, unable to assert their boundaries without facing retaliation. As one person explained, “It was easier to let him control the TV or make decisions for us because any resistance would result in hours of insults and silent treatment.” This leaves victims in a constant state of anxiety, walking on eggshells to avoid conflict.
For many, this loss of autonomy comes with the suffocation of their individuality. “He constantly criticized how I looked, how I spoke, who I talked to. He wouldn’t let me see male friends, and he dictated what I wore, often saying I looked too attractive to others,” recounted a survivor.
Ultimately, abusers expect their partners to give up their autonomy, leaving them dependent, submissive, and trapped in a cycle of compliance.
Relationships and Community
One of the most common sacrifices abusers demand is the loss of meaningful relationships. This isolates the victim, cutting off their support system and making them more dependent on their abusive partner. Many survivors share heartbreaking stories of losing friends, family, and community due to their partner’s controlling behavior.
One survivor shared: “I lost everyone else in my life. He wanted all of my time and attention on demand.” Abusers want to be the sole focus, and anyone who distracts from that—be it friends, family, or even acquaintances—becomes a threat. Another survivor echoed this sentiment: “Friendships, any relationship with my only sister, my interests & hobbies, my time not being my own, independent decision-making.”
This isolation isn’t just social—it’s emotional, leaving the victim with little to no support when they need it most.
Personal Beliefs
Abusers also frequently attempt to erode their partner’s personal beliefs and core identity. This can range from dictating religious practices to influencing political views.
One survivor recounted: “He wanted me to forget about my love for God and where He’s calling me to be.”
Another survivor highlighted the pressure to adopt her partner’s political beliefs: “He insisted I take on his political views, claiming I was ‘too naive’ to understand what was really happening in the world. He belittled me for supporting causes I believed in, and every conversation about politics ended in him shouting about how ‘wrong’ I was.”
These demands reflect the abuser’s desire to mold their partner’s beliefs and identity to suit their own needs and control. The victim’s spiritual or personal journey becomes secondary to avoiding conflict in the relationship—at great cost to their personal fulfillment.
Hobbies and Interests
Even personal interests and hobbies can become targets in abusive relationships. Many abusers expect their partners to sacrifice the activities they enjoy because they see them as a threat to their control. Whether it’s due to jealousy or simply wanting to monopolize their partner’s time, the result is that the victim gradually loses their individuality.
One survivor explained: “I gradually gave up all my hobbies and interests during my marriage. It just wasn’t worth the insults, teasing, cold shouldering, and anger. I did what he wanted instead.”
Another shared a similar experience: “He kept me so busy with all of his wants and needs that I didn’t have the energy to even do any of my interests or hobbies. It was all about him and what I could do for him.”
The loss of hobbies and interests is particularly damaging because it robs the victim of joy, fulfillment, and a sense of self. Hobbies are often a way for people to express their identity and decompress, but abusers systematically strip away these outlets.
Health and Well-Being
Perhaps the most devastating sacrifices are those related to the victim’s physical and mental health. Survivors often experience medical neglect and report being pushed to their limits, with their health often deteriorating as they try to meet their abuser’s impossible demands.
One survivor described the emotional and physical toll of trying to manage a household while being severely overworked: “I had bronchitis once and had to work with a fever. I finally got a day off, and he threw a tantrum because it meant he had to take care of our baby the whole day. He wasn’t even employed, but I worked and drove two hours to and from work and then took care of my baby as soon as I got home and on the weekends.”
Another survivor shared a particularly heartbreaking moment when her health crisis was met with hostility rather than support: “Once, I was literally in a hospital bed, waking up from emergency surgery after a C-section, and he called yelling because he couldn’t handle watching our newborn. I was just four hours out of surgery.”
These sacrifices, while often invisible to others, can have dangerous, long-term consequences for victims. When they are neglected or are forced to push through illness, their health and well-being suffer—sometimes irreparably. Such emotional neglect and physical demands from abusers lead to both immediate and lasting harm.
Sacrificing the Self
At the core of all these sacrifices is a deeper, more existential loss: the sacrifice of the self. Abusers work to erode their partner’s sense of identity, making them question their own worth, desires, and even reality.
As one survivor put it: “They want you to give up everything to be their nothing.” This stark summary encapsulates the all-encompassing nature of coercive control—abusers seek to diminish their partners to a shadow of themselves, stripping away their individuality in order to maintain power.
The manipulation doesn’t just affect personal decisions; it can extend to how victims see themselves in relation to others. “I only knew who I was WITH him. Even when I wasn’t around him, I still abided by his rules,” explained a survivor. This constant need to align oneself with the abuser’s preferences can make it difficult for victims to reconnect with their true selves, even after the relationship ends.
The cumulative effect of these sacrifices is the loss of the victim’s sense of self. Over time, the abuser’s demands chip away at their partner’s identity, leaving them feeling like a shell of the person they once were.
This gradual erosion of identity is a hallmark of coercive control, and the recovery process often involves rediscovering personal beliefs, preferences, and values that were once suppressed.
The Cost of Sacrifice in an Abusive Relationship
Abusive relationships demand far more than love, patience, or compromise. They demand control, obedience, and, ultimately, the victim’s entire sense of self. The sacrifices that survivors make for their abusers are often impossible to quantify, ranging from lost friendships and careers to shattered identities and health.
But what these survivors remind us is that these sacrifices have devastating repercussions. As one survivor poignantly noted: “To share him with another woman was the most extreme sacrifice. I think by this point I had just given up. I was in the center of a massive meltdown after years of physical abuse, being cheated on, losing friendships, family, control of myself while he painted himself as Mr. perfect and he thrived on it.”
What abusers want their partners to sacrifice is everything—friends, family, ambitions, money, health, and, eventually, the very essence of who they are. And yet, in the end, even that is not enough for them.
Reclaiming Power and Identity
For those who have endured these sacrifices, recovery is possible. Reclaiming one’s identity and sense of self is a powerful step in healing. As one survivor shared: “Healing was finding my worth and knowing that I am enough. Finally knowing what I want and deserve. Doing my thing when and how I want to. Freedom and peace. No more overthinking and anxiety. Learning to love myself.” This powerful statement represents a rejection of the abuser’s control and a reclamation of autonomy.
Understanding that these sacrifices are never justified is crucial in recognizing the severity of abusive dynamics. It is only by rejecting these demands and reclaiming their power that survivors can begin to rebuild the lives they were once forced to sacrifice.
Featured image: Sacrifices in abusive relationships. Source: Arisctur / Adobe Stock.
