Boundaries are the personal guidelines and needs that outline what you are and aren’t willing to accept in a relationship. Their purpose is to maintain a balanced, healthy, and fulfilling connection by ensuring mutual respect and understanding between both partners.
As society has placed more emphasis on emotional wellness and mental health over recent years, the overall awareness of boundaries has grown which, while being a positive development overall, increases the likelihood of the concept of boundaries being exploited by abusers who are looking to disguise and justify their controlling behavior.
In a nutshell, boundaries are about defining your personal limits and what you will or won’t tolerate. On the other hand, control is about imposing your will on someone else to limit their freedom.
The weaponization of boundaries is a very nuanced way in which abusive partners can exert control over victims, making the ability to understand the distinction between healthy boundaries and control extremely important.
The Difference Between Boundaries and Control
While boundaries are designed to protect your emotional well-being, control seeks to limit your autonomy. Here’s a breakdown of how to differentiate between the two in the context of boundaries vs. control:
| Boundaries | Control | |
| Intent | Set to protect and respect your well-being. | Set to dominated or dictate another person’s behavior. |
| Ownership | Ownership is on you – what you will or won’t tolerate. | Ownership is on the other person – trying to make them do or be something. |
| Outcome | Create healthy, balanced relationships with mutual respect. | Create an imbalanced power dynamic with one person dominating the other. |
| Respect | Honor your own values while respecting the other’s autonomy. | Disregard the other person’s autonomy to satisfy your own needs or insecurities. |
| Conveyed | Communicated openly and honestly. | Hidden behind the guise of ‘concern’ or ‘protection’. |
Controlling Behavior Disguised as Boundaries
It’s essential to recognize when controlling behavior is being masqueraded as a boundary. Here are some examples that illustrate control and NOT a boundary:
Isolation from Friends
A controlling partner might express discomfort with you having friends of the opposite sex, framing it as a boundary for your safety or the integrity of your relationship. They may say, “I don’t like you hanging out with those friends. I think you should just cut them off for the sake of our relationship.”
While spending more time together may seem reasonable, it becomes controlling if it leads to isolating you from your social circle or restricting your interactions. This behavior can create a toxic dynamic where your world revolves solely around them.
Monitoring Communication
If a partner insists on checking your phone or social media accounts, or requests all of your passwords “for trust” or “to ensure your safety,” this is a form of control disguised as a boundary. Trust should be established through open communication and respect for each other’s privacy, not through invasive monitoring.
Dismissal of Different Opinions
If a partner expresses, “If you can’t see things my way, then I don’t think we should be together,” this is a form of controlling behavior disguised as a boundary. Healthy relationships thrive on open dialogue and diverse perspectives; attempting to silence or dismiss your opinions indicates a desire for control rather than a commitment to mutual respect.
Avoiding Discussion and Accountability
Needing space from your partner is an extremely healthy boundary in a relationship, but a controlling partner may weaponize this boundary to avoid taking accountability after abusive episodes. They may something like, “I don’t want to talk about this. I need my space, so stop bringing it up. If you can’t respect that, then I don’t want to see you until you learn to back off.”
If your partner repeatedly expresses a ‘need for space’ when you confront them about their negative behavior, or refuses to engage in any form of conversation about hurtful things they have done, this so-called “boundary” has crossed the line into emotional abuse. It’s important to differentiate between a legitimate need for space and a tactic used to avoid accountability.
Understanding the Difference
Recognizing the difference between boundaries and control is essential for maintaining healthy relationships. By understanding the distinctions between them and being clued in to how abusers can exploit the concept of boundaries, you can avoid being manipulated by this insidious tactic. Authentic boundaries are meant to protect oneself, while control seeks to dominate another. Understanding this distinction is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and recognizing abusive dynamics.
References
Drescher, Anna, 2024. Boundaries vs. Control in Relationships. SimplyPsychology.
Gibson, Thais, 2024. 8 Key Differences Between Setting Boundaries and Needing Control. PDS: The Personal Development School.
TandemPsychology, 2024. Boundaries vs. Controlling Behavior: Where’s the Line? TandemPsychology.
Featured image: Know the difference between boundaries and control. Source: fizkes / Adobe Stock.
