Even in a committed relationship, each partner should have the freedom to maintain their individuality. That means they should feel free to dress, act, and conduct themselves in a way that’s comfortable and familiar for them, and spend their time (within reason) pursuing activities and interests that make them feel fulfilled. Though it might start slowly, some people in abusive relationships begin to find that their partner is becoming more and more jealous and possessive over them. This is a huge red flag, and one you should be aware of. In this article, we’ll discuss this issue and present you with 15 signs your partner might be displaying unhealthy levels of jealous and possessive behavior.
Jealousy and Possessiveness: A Toxic Duo
“It’s not unusual for somebody to have feelings of jealousy in a romantic relationship, especially during the early months where there is more uncertainty,” says Robert L. Leahy (B.A., M.S., Ph.D., Yale University), director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy and author of the best-selling book, The Jealousy Cure: Learn to Trust, Overcome Possessiveness, and Save Your Relationship. “Possessiveness occurs when these feelings of jealousy turn into behaviors to either punish or restrict the freedom of the partner.”
Signs of a Jealous and Possessive Partner
If your partner has jealous tendencies or is overly possessive, you’ll quickly begin to feel stifled in the relationship, and perhaps even afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. “Jealousy becomes toxic when your partner criticizes you or accuses you of infidelity or other problematic behaviors,” Leahy says. But it’s more than just annoying behavior.
Unhealthy levels of jealousy and possessiveness, when directed at a partner, are forms of emotional abuse. “This kind of behavior can be very dangerous,” says Marissa Moore, MA, LPC, a licensed professional counselor, mental health consultant and writer at Mentalyc. “It can escalate from emotional manipulation to more severe forms of control, and in some cases, even physical abuse.”
The best way to navigate a situation like this is to recognize it as early as possible, before it gets out of hand, or before you’re enmeshed in the relationship by things like marriage, children or a cross-country move. Below, we’ve listed 15 common signs of jealousy and possessiveness in a partner.
1. They get upset when you see friends or family on your own
An unusually possessive partner might say things like, “why do you put your family/friends above me?” or, “I see where your priorities lie,” when you make plans with others. In one case, a victim explained that her abuser managed to convince her, in a myriad of subtle ways, that she shouldn’t see her family more than once every two weeks, regardless of the reason.
“By framing their jealousy as your lack of ‘priority,’ they make it seem like you’re in the wrong for wanting alone time or seeing others when in reality, it’s perfectly healthy to maintain your own individuality,” says Moore. In addition to the above, you might hear your possessive partner say things like:
- Didn’t you just see them?
- Why are they so important to you?
- Why are you letting this person come between us?
- Why would you jeopardize our relationship to spend time with them?
- They’re trying to drive a wedge between us.
2. They read your texts/emails/journal
Violations of your privacy are common in a relationship with a jealous or possessive partner. They may feel justified in committing these boundary violations, but “this breach of trust is about control,” says Moore. “By violating your privacy, they gain access to your personal thoughts and interactions, which helps them feel in control of you. It’s not about ‘staying connected’ like they might claim—it’s about mistrust and monitoring.”
3. They attempt to track your whereabouts
With today’s advanced technology, the easiest way for a possessive partner to ensure your allegiance lies with them is to track you wherever you go. This can be done with something as simple as sharing location on your mobile device, or as insidious as hiding a tiny GPS tracker (like an Air Tag) in your vehicle. Regardless, this is stalking behavior, and numerous studies show that such behavior is a precursor to domestic violence. In fact, stalking is one of the criteria listed in the danger assessment – a tool used to determine the likelihood of a woman being killed by her abusive partner.
4. They try to control or dictate what you wear or how you look
It’s uncommon for an abuser to outright forbid you to wear a particular outfit or article of clothing. However, you might receive disapproving glances or hear things like the following when your partner is attempting to control the way you look or dress:
- I’ll be disappointed if you come home (from a salon appointment) with short hair.
- Don’t you think that skirt is too short for church?
- You’re setting a bad example for our daughters when you dress like a tramp.
- Oh, I see you’re wearing your lesbian shoes today.
- You need to change.
- What the heck are you wearing?
- That’s a terrible color on you.
- That outfit is unflattering.
“It seems like a preference at first, but when someone makes you feel guilty or pressures you to change (or not change!) your appearance to suit their tastes, it’s a form of control,” says Moore. “Your appearance should be about what makes you feel good, not about appeasing someone else’s insecurities.”
5. They accuse you of cheating/looking at others in an inappropriate way
This is one of the most common behaviors of jealous and possessive partners and is an extreme form of gaslighting. Having your partner repeatedly accuse you of cheating, flirting or even checking out members of the opposite sex (or the same sex, if you’re part of a same-sex relationship) is deeply invalidating and frustrating and can quickly lead you to second-guess yourself and your own motives.
Many victims say they feel the only way to avoid these types of situations is to stare only at the ground when out in public with their abuser. Over time, you may grow fearful of showing even the most basic courteous behavior toward other men. You might hear things like the following from your possessive partner:
- I saw that guy checking you out. What did you do to make him look at you?
- I saw the way you looked at him when you thought I wasn’t looking.
- I guess you want him to take you home, huh?
- Why were you trying to get that guy’s attention?
- Who are you staring at?
- I bet that shirt will get plenty of glances.
- If you weren’t such an attention seeker, then…
- There you go, seeking validation from other guys.
- Why did you cross your legs that way?
- I noticed you stopped holding my hand (or some other affectionate action) when he walked by…
- Why were you chatting that guy up?
- I can’t even have guy friends thanks to your flirting behavior.
6. They expect you to prioritize them 100% of the time
Being yourself in a relationship is about more than having time and space to yourself. A partner who’s unreasonably possessive may expect you to put all of their needs above your own. You might find yourself feeling guilty or scared if you accidentally forget to run an errand they asked you to do, or serving your partner first if there’s not enough food to go around. Or, you might find that their demands are becoming more and more outlandish, but you don’t dare say anything to avoid rocking the boat. The worst thing about this dynamic is that over time, you’ll find you still don’t measure up to their expectations.
7. They “drop by” unexpectedly and without being invited
Maybe he shows up at your workplace during your lunch break or brings you something he “thought you might need” during a girls’ night out. Of course, these could simply be acts of kindness when they occur sporadically. But keep an eye out to ensure there isn’t a pattern to this “random” behavior, since that would be a sign of possessiveness.
8. They insist they’re trying to “protect” you from certain people or situations
That friend or family member who encourages you to set boundaries with your abuser? She’s quickly going to become a target of your abuser’s intense jealousy and possessiveness. Using any means possible, the abuser will find “dirt” on this person, convince you she’s a bad influence or attempt other methods of creating distance between the two of you. “Possessive partners often criticize or belittle your friends and family, creating a sense that they are the only ones who truly care about you, making you more dependent on them emotionally,” says Moore. In these cases, the abuser might say the following:
- I see the stuff she posts on Facebook.
- He’s looking for more than friendship, I promise you that (in regards to a long-time friend of the opposite sex).
- I have evidence that she’s into occult practices/drugs/drinking, etc.
- I’ve seen you two interact and I can promise you she’s not really your friend.
- She doesn’t have your best interests in mind like I do.
- She’s pressuring you to make bad decisions. I thought peer pressure ended in high school.
- She wants you to be exactly like her. Ever since you’ve been friends, you haven’t had a single independent thought.
- Why are you letting her come between us?
- That party is bad news, full of ridiculous people who have no sense of responsibility.
- You’re so not doing that/going there.
9. They’re in constant contact when you’re not together
At first, this might seem cute and romantic. But if you start to find you can’t get through a coffee meet-up with your bestie without your partner’s name popping up on your phone, a problem might be brewing. Repeatedly checking in when you’re not together can be a sign of an overly possessive partner. How to know if it’s an issue or something innocent? Ask yourself what might happen if you’re unable or unwilling to answer their call or text. Would they be angry, or would they understand?
10. They expect you to check in
Similarly, a partner who outright expects you to check in while you’re away from them is a definite red flag. “This kind of constant communication might seem harmless at first—just checking in—but it becomes possessive when it’s done out of suspicion and the need to control. Constant texting, insisting on location sharing, or demanding regular ‘proof’ of where you are is about managing your movements, and is a hallmark of possessiveness,” says Moore.
11. They discourage you from pursuing things outside the relationship
This can include interests/hobbies/promotions/opportunities that make you happy. These things are especially likely if they’ll take you away from the home or cause you to reduce the amount of time you spend with your partner. It’s certainly understandable on some level that they’d be a little sad about having less time together, but discouraging you from pursuing reasonable interests and activities, like learning a new skill, joining a book club, traveling or even going back to school, is a sign of excessive levels of possessiveness.
12. They disregard your need for space and/or alone time
Healthy relationships allow for time and space for both partners to be alone and pursue individual interests. But an overly possessive partner will likely see this as a threat to your union, and might call you selfish or self-centered, or accuse you of being dishonest if you ask for space.
13. They get angry when you don’t answer their calls or texts
An overly possessive partner will automatically go to a place of anxiety and insecurity when they can’t reach you, regardless of the reason. That’s why they can’t stand it when you fail to promptly reply to their calls or texts. In extreme cases, you can expect them to show up at your location if they can’t reach you. Other tactics include contacting your friends or stalking you on social media to check up on your whereabouts. One woman shared how her partner would constantly text her, expecting instant replies. If she didn’t respond within minutes, he’d accuse her of lying or hiding something.
14. They might FaceTime you to make you prove your whereabouts
Similarly, an abuser might skip the phone call or text in favor of a FaceTime call, which allows him to see exactly where you are if you answer. And if you don’t, you can be sure your possessive partner will be upset when you get home.
15. They don’t like it when you call or text others in their presence
While it’s good to be present when spending one-on-one time with your partner, it’s only natural in today’s world that you might answer a text or two, or even take a phone call from time to time (this is especially the case, of course, if you and your partner are married or live together). There’s nothing at all wrong with communicating with other friends, family and acquaintances when your partner is around. But they’ll do everything they can to make you feel like there is.
Some abusers might forbid you to answer calls past a certain time, or even take your phone if you answer a text while spending time together. Here again, you’ll likely hear that you’re failing to make the relationship your top priority. Along with being a huge red flag for possessiveness, this is also an attempt to isolate you from your support system.
Everyone has feelings of jealousy and even possessiveness from time to time. It’s a normal part of life, and simply indicates that you have special feelings toward someone, and want them to feel the same about you. But problems arise when these feelings aren’t dealt with in a healthy way, and one partner begins to attempt to control or restrict the other. This problematic behavior can cause issues in the relationship and is a form of abuse. Leahy says, “the paradox of jealousy is that you don’t want to lose the relationship but your jealous behavior may be alienating your partner and may lead to the breakup of the relationship.”
References
Leahy, R. L. (2018). The Jealousy Cure: Learn to Trust, Overcome Possessiveness, and Save Your Relationship. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
Moore, M. Licensed Professional Counselor, Couple Therapist, and Mental Health Consultant and Writer at Mentalyc.
Featured image: Signs of a jealous and possessive partner. Source: Comeback Images / Adobe Stock.
