Coercive control is often subtle and insidious, making it difficult for victims to recognize and explain to others. Unlike overt physical abuse, coercive control slowly chips away at a person’s sense of self through emotional manipulation, isolation, and the erosion of personal freedoms. Victims often feel trapped in a web of rules that shift and change, making it impossible to predict what will set their abuser off.
Coercive Control in Daily Life
Coercive control takes many forms: limiting freedom of movement, monitoring communications, financial control, and undermining self-worth. Over time, victims lose not only their autonomy but also their identity. Here, survivors of coercive control share their personal experiences, offering insight into what coercive control really looks like and how this form of abuse can affect every facet of life.
1. Undermining My Confidence
“He would scream in my face until I couldn’t argue back anymore. Then, if I made a minor mistake, like folding a towel the ‘wrong’ way, he’d explode, calling me an awful person. No apology was ever good enough for him, and I eventually stopped standing up for myself.”
2. Mocking My Interests
“It was easier to let him watch whatever he wanted. If I tried to watch my shows, he’d make fun of them or talk over them. Over time, I just gave in to avoid the conflict.”
3. Controlling My Appearance
“He told me how to wear my hair and that I shouldn’t wear short clothes because ‘other people shouldn’t see my body.’ It got to the point where I couldn’t even go out with friends without him making a comment.”
4. Emotional Blackmail
“Whenever I needed something or wanted to discuss an issue in our relationship, he’d threaten to kill himself. It became impossible to communicate, and I always ended up feeling like it was my fault.”
5. Accusations and Surveillance
“Despite working from home and being with him almost all the time, he would constantly accuse me of cheating. I’d show him my phone, but he’d refuse to look. He wanted to believe I was guilty, regardless of the truth.”
6. Gaslighting My Reality
“He claimed all his actions were out of concern for my well-being, but it felt like he was controlling every aspect of my life. I began to lose my sense of reality, unsure if I was the problem or if he was manipulating me.”
7. Subtle Emotional Digs
“It wasn’t outright abuse but small comments that slowly chipped away at my self-esteem. These ‘jokes’ weren’t funny—they were domestic abuse, disguised as humor.”
8. Silent Surrender
“He rarely told me outright, ‘You’re not allowed to do this,’ but the shaming, fights, and depressive episodes (from him) that followed made doing anything hardly worth it. I stifled myself dramatically just to avoid conflict. I stopped seeing friends and family, stopped wearing nail polish, stopped running, stopped doing hobbies that ‘didn’t make money,’ stopped dressing up, stopped washing my hair regularly, and stopped baking. All these simple things that most people take for granted — I avoided them just to escape his inevitable reaction.”
9. Sex and Financial Control
“He used sex as a weapon, withholding it when he was angry or using it to punish me. On top of that, he controlled all the finances, leaving me with no options.”
10. Public Shaming
“In front of family and friends, he’d belittle me, call me a servant, and criticize my cooking. It was constant humiliation, but I felt trapped because I had no escape.”
11. No Right Choice
“I had a pair of jeans that fit me perfectly and were similar to what other moms wore. But every time I put them on, my husband called me a ‘whore’ and worse. I eventually threw them away, but when he found them, he made a big deal about taking them back, only for the cycle to repeat when I wore them again. It was a constant pattern of shame and manipulation.”
12. Jealousy About Male Friends
“I was told in the very beginning that I should not have male friends. He would get mad if I ran into old high school male friends or mentioned a male friend I had known for years. One time, he even moved my chair away from a guy I was sitting next to during a game night with friends because he said I was too close.”
13. Dictating My Looks
“At first, he complimented me by saying I didn’t need makeup or hair dye, but that evolved into forbidding me from using them altogether because he wanted me to look worse than him.”
14. Constantly Changing the Rules
“Every time I started to feel in control of my life, he’d change the rules. It felt like I was always back at square one, questioning everything I did.”
15. Discouraging My Independence
“He discouraged me from applying for jobs, claiming he didn’t want me working with other men. He even controlled my finances, even though I paid most of the bills.”
16. Constant Criticism
“I did more than my share of the household chores, but every time I mentioned it, I was told, ‘It’s not a competition.’ He constantly criticized my work, watching over my shoulder, even for tasks I’d done my whole life. After a 12-hour workday, I’d finally sit down, only to be asked why I was resting, as if my exhaustion didn’t matter. Meanwhile, he’d sit after working less hours, but his complaints never stopped. It felt like no matter what I did, it was never enough.”
17. Undermining My Self-Worth
“He manipulated everyone around me, including our children, to believe that I was at fault. It felt impossible to escape his control because he’d isolated me from any support.”
18. Explosive Reactions
“I was nursing my baby on the couch when my partner got up from bed and started screaming at me because I hadn’t cleared my cereal bowl from the table. He didn’t seem to understand that my baby was the priority at that moment, not tidying up.”
19. Invasion of Privacy
“I wasn’t allowed to lock the bathroom door or take time to myself without him barging in, questioning why I needed privacy. If I ever locked the door, he’d make a big scene, saying it was strange or suspicious. He would even find tools to unlock it from the outside, claiming he had to use the bathroom, even though there were other toilets in the house. I wasn’t allowed any peace, and he always found a way to disrupt even my quiet moments.”
20. Body Shaming
“He would not let me try a dress in a store and he told me, in front of the salesperson, how my body is not in good enough in shape to try on the dress. It was a maxi dress and would have been fine, but nope! It was the same when I attempted to buy chocolate. He had me return it as though I was a kid.”
How Coercive Control Takes Over Lives
These stories illustrate what coercive control looks like in seemingly small, everyday actions that add up to a life ruled by fear and manipulation. Victims of this type of abuse often find themselves constantly second-guessing their actions and bending to their abuser’s will, just to keep the peace.
One of the most damaging aspects of coercive control is how it gradually takes over a person’s life, isolating them from friends, family, and even their own sense of identity. It can take years for victims to recognize the patterns of control, by which time they may have lost confidence in their ability to make decisions or even know who they are outside of the relationship.
For those experiencing coercive control, it’s important to recognize that these behaviors are forms of domestic abuse, even if they don’t involve physical violence. Emotional and psychological control can be just as devastating, and seeking help is a crucial step in breaking free from the cycle. By sharing their experiences, these survivors shed light on the reality of coercive control, helping others recognize the signs and empowering them to take the first steps toward regaining their independence.
Featured image: What coercive control looks like. Source: torwaiphoto / Adobe Stock.
