Isolation is a deliberate tactic used by abusers to exert control and dominance over their partners. By breaking down their partner’s network of support, abusers not only sever ties to potential sources of help but also increase their victim’s reliance on them. This calculated erosion of social bonds and support structures traps the victim in a cycle of dependency. It makes the prospect of leaving seem insurmountable.
According to Lundy Bancroft, author of ‘Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men’, an abusive man isolates his partner for two primary reasons. First, he wants her life to revolve entirely around him and his needs. If his partner has an active social life and her own hobbies and interests, she will have less time to devote to him. Second, he doesn’t wish for her to gain any sources of strength that might lead to her becoming independent. Often without full awareness, abusive individuals understand that a woman’s social connections can empower her. This gives her the means to break free from his dominance.
“Being connected with family and friends who care about you gives you access to support and, at times, opportunities to hear their concerns about your relationship,” writes Carol A. Lambert, author of ‘Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner’. “Your partner does not want you to hear that your loved ones worry about the way he treats you. These outside influences can undermine his control.” (p.116).
Abuser’s Isolate Due to Insecurities
Ultimately, an abuser isolates his partner because of his own insecurities. A controlling man feels threatened when his partner’s life does not revolve around him. Therefore, he may fear that his partner will leave him or that he will lose control within the relationship.
During my marriage to a controlling husband, we mainly had friends that we both knew and socialized with. However, after moving to a new country, I formed a close, personal friendship that he wasn’t part of. He began to speak negatively about my friend and tried to limit our time together. Shortly after I left my husband, he made many admissions to me, hoping to convince me to return. His explanation about his behavior was very revealing. He wrote: “Until now we had all the same friends, so it was a big change for me to understand and accept that you would have a friend of your own. It was the loneliness that I was feeling, and you were my only real friend in my mind so I was afraid that she will take that away from me.”
There are many strategies a controlling individual uses to create isolation and dependency in their partner. Here are some of the most common ways.
Severing Social Connections
One primary strategy of isolation involves the abuser gradually limiting their partner’s interactions with friends, family, and the broader community. This might begin with subtle suggestions that certain friends are not looking out for their best interests. It may then move into outright accusations of family members being intrusive or disruptive to the couple’s relationship. Over time, these suggestions can escalate into demands. The abuser might explicitly forbid the victim from seeing specific people or attending social gatherings, effectively cutting off their support network.
“He might move his girlfriend or wife to a home far from her family and friends, where she does not know people and is likely to feel lonely,” writes Lisa Aronson Fontes in ‘Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship.’ “He might limit her phone calls, insist that she share all her social media or e-mail contacts with him, and require that she talk to friends or family “on her own time,” such as during the workday, so he can have her undivided attention in the evening and on weekends.” (pp. 15-16)
Psychological Manipulation
Psychological tactics play a significant role in the isolation process. Abusers may use guilt, shame, or fear to keep their partner from seeking support. This could involve making their partner feel guilty for wanting to spend time with others or instilling fear about the consequences of reaching out for help. Abusers may also spread lies or rumors about the victim to friends and family. This undermines their relationships and credibility, making it more difficult for them to seek support.
“A man may isolate his partner in many ways without appearing cruel or controlling. His efforts to have her all to himself may initially feel like love,” writes Lisa Aronson Fontes in ‘Invisible Chains’. “He just cannot get enough of her. He says he wants to protect her from harm and doesn’t want her to tire herself out.” (p. 15).
While living abroad with my husband, isolated from my family and friends, our son was born. After his birth, my husband declared that I could only visit my home country with our son once every four years. He argued that he was too young to travel, that the radiation of a transatlantic flight would damage his developing brain, and that he may contract illnesses. My objections were met with accusations of selfishness and disregard for our son’s well-being. He also suggested that my wish to visit my family meant that I loved them more than him and I was therefore damaging our marriage.
Control Over Communication
Abusers often take steps to monitor and control all forms of their partner’s communication. This could range from insisting on having access to their partner’s personal email and social media accounts to listening in on phone conversations or outright forbidding them from using these communication tools without supervision. By controlling who their partner can talk to and what information they can access, the abuser creates a reality in which they are the primary, if not the sole, source of the victim’s social interaction and information about the outside world.
Financial Control
Another critical strategy involves controlling the victim’s financial resources, making it difficult or impossible for them to engage in activities outside the home or to seek help. This might include withholding money, placing strict allowances on spending, or preventing their partner from working. Without financial independence, the woman becomes economically dependent on the abuser, further limiting their ability to reach out to others or to leave the abusive situation.
“An abusive man might isolate a woman by controlling her finances, denying payment for basic needs, or taking away her money through threats, trickery, violence, and outright theft. He might demand that she pay all their joint expenses including rent, food, and utilities. He might deny his wife a credit card or insist that all their cards be held jointly and then deliberately ruin her credit. While he makes large expenditures on his own, he requires that she justify even small expenses.” (Fontes, 2015, p. 19)
Creating a Sense of Dependence
Ultimately, these strategies converge to create a situation where the victim feels wholly dependent on the abuser, not just for physical and financial needs, but for emotional support as well. This dependency traps women in the abusive relationship, making it challenging to reach out for help or escape the cycle of abuse.
“The isolation results in serious hidden injuries including increased dependency on your partner that gives him more power and influence over you, while you feel the slow deterioration of your spirit,” writes Carol A. Lambert in ‘Women with Controlling Partners’. “With very little or no social contact, you become secluded and alone and, in the confinement, your reliance on your partner naturally grows. All the more, you look to the person controlling your life for what you need. In this place of isolation and dispirited state of mind, you feel less inclined to resist your partner.” (pp. 118-119).
Isolation is a deliberate, calculated effort by abusers to ensure their partner feels powerless, disconnected, and unable to leave. Breaking free from isolation involves recognizing the abuse, reconnecting with support networks, seeking professional guidance, and carefully planning for safety and independence. Empowerment begins with the understanding that you deserve a life free from abuse, supported by people who respect and care for you. Seeking help is a sign of strength, and the path to freedom, while challenging, is a journey worth taking for your safety and well-being.
References
Bancroft, Lundy. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Penguin Publishing Group.
Fontes, Lisa Aronson. (2015). Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship. Guilford Publications.
Lambert, Carol A. (2016). Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner. New Harbinger Publications.
