“Why didn’t you just leave?” is a question often directed at survivors of domestic abuse. While this question may seem simple on the surface, it reflects a lack of understanding about the complex dynamics of abusive relationships. Leaving an abusive partner is rarely straightforward. Abusers deploy a range of manipulative tactics—threats, intimidation, financial control, isolation, and emotional blackmail—to keep their victims trapped.
In this article, survivors share their stories to shed light on the barriers they faced when trying to leave. Their experiences illustrate how abuse is designed to trap victims, often leaving them without resources, options, or hope. Instead of asking survivors why they didn’t leave, perhaps we should focus on understanding how abusers make leaving so difficult.
The Weight of Threats and Intimidation
For many victims, the threat of violence or harm creates a paralyzing fear that keeps them in the relationship. One survivor recalls: “A few months into dating him, I felt like I needed space to think. When I broached the topic, he grabbed me, shook me, and yelled, ‘I am not gonna let you break up with me!’ I was 20, alone in a new city, and knew he’d retaliate if I left. Years later, when I finally found the courage to leave, he harassed and threatened me for years. Authorities couldn’t do much, and all I could do was endure.”
Abusers often escalate their threats when they sense their control slipping. Another survivor recounts how their abuser threatened their family: “At first, he played my heartstrings, saying no one loved him and sharing his childhood trauma. But when that stopped working, he threatened to kill my parents. That was the key to my cage. I stayed because I couldn’t risk their lives.”
These threats, whether explicit or implied, create an environment where the victim feels that leaving is not just difficult—it’s dangerous.
Isolation as a Weapon
Isolation is one of the strongest tools in an abuser’s arsenal. By cutting off their partner from friends, family, and resources, they ensure they have nowhere to turn. One survivor shared: “He slowly cut me off from everything except work. We only had one car, so I was isolated at home. He monitored my every move, and sleep deprivation made it impossible to think clearly.”
Another survivor was physically locked away: “He locked me in our bedroom for two weeks, cut my wifi and phone, and prevented me from going anywhere—even church. I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone, not even my own children. I eventually escaped by admitting myself to a psychiatric clinic, but I had nothing. He’s still making the divorce difficult.”
Isolation isn’t just about physical separation; it’s about removing any sense of support or independence, making the victim feel entirely reliant on the abuser.
Manipulation of Children
Abusers often weaponize children to maintain control over their victims. One survivor shared:
“My ex managed to get our son to make false allegations about my current husband and me. He destroyed my relationship with my son and tried to ruin my career by filing false claims against me.”
Another survivor highlighted the emotional blackmail involved: “When I tried to leave, he told me he’d take the kids and disappear, and I’d never see them again. He reminded me daily that he controlled the house and all the money. He even threatened to report me to social services, claiming I was an unfit mother, just to scare me into staying. I felt like I had no choice but to stay and endure it.”
A third survivor explained the paralyzing fear of leaving due to custody concerns: “I was terrified to leave because I knew the courts would likely grant him shared custody, and that would mean my kids would be alone with him. He’s violent and unpredictable, and without me there to protect them, I didn’t know what might happen. Staying felt like the only way to keep them safe.”
By involving children, abusers create a moral and emotional dilemma for the victim, who may feel they are sacrificing their child’s well-being by leaving.
Financial Control and Dependence
Financial abuse is another common tactic abusers use to trap their partners. Survivors often lack the financial resources to leave, especially when they’ve been denied access to money or employment. One survivor explained: “I’ve been trying to break free for ten years, but lack of money and poor health make it so hard. He controlled all our finances, and I had no savings to fall back on.”
Another survivor shared how financial dependence was reinforced: “He spent all our money, so I couldn’t afford to leave and still pay for daycare. He pressured me to have a baby and then threatened to kidnap the child overseas if I left. I had no financial means to escape.”
This financial control ensures that victims remain dependent, making the prospect of leaving seem impossible.
The Psychological Trap of Manipulation
Abusers don’t just control their partners physically or financially—they manipulate them emotionally, creating a psychological trap as well. Survivors often describe the abuser’s ‘hold/cold’ personality, which makes it difficult to recognize the relationship as abusive. One survivor explained: “A major reason is the dual personality of the abuser. They trap you with a false virtuous persona but blame you when they reveal their inner demon. Victims leave when they realize they fell in love with a fake personality.”
Another survivor described the psychological toll: “Abusers carefully abuse. It’s never just random—it’s designed to mess with your thinking, emotions, and brain chemicals. Dealing with so much at once is why it takes so many tries to leave. You need to overcome each obstacle, and you rarely can do it all at once.”
This manipulation often leads to a trauma bond, where the victim feels inexplicably tied to their abuser despite the harm they endure.
The System’s Failures
Even when survivors muster the courage to leave, systemic failures can make it nearly impossible. One survivor shared: “Illegal sextortion and smear campaigns were ignored by law enforcement, even though I had plenty of evidence.”
Another survivor described the lack of support: “I finally left after years of abuse, but he continued to harass and threaten me. The authorities could do little more than file paperwork, which only made him feel accomplished.”
These stories highlight how societal systems often fail to protect survivors, leaving them vulnerable even after they leave.
The Long Road to Freedom
Leaving an abuser is rarely the end of the journey. Survivors often face years of rebuilding their lives while dealing with the trauma they’ve endured. One survivor powerfully described the fear and uncertainty of leaving: “Leaving an abuser is like standing on a cliff with a fire at your back. You look down, and it’s so high. There are jagged rocks and sharks in the water. You don’t want to jump, but the fire is so hot. Eventually, you have to, and hope you survive the fall. I survived, but it hurt.”
Another survivor shared their determination to rebuild: “I’ve attended courses and started a small business since leaving. Never again in my life will I be treated as if I am nothing. I have so much to give.”
Shifting the Narrative
Society often asks survivors, “Why didn’t you leave?” when the real question should be, “How did the abuser prevent you from leaving?” By shifting the focus to the abuser’s actions, we can better understand the barriers survivors face and provide the support they need to escape.
The stories shared here highlight the complexity of abusive relationships and the immense courage it takes to leave. Survivors don’t stay because they want to—they stay because abuse is designed to trap them. Understanding this is the first step toward breaking the cycle of abuse.
Featured Image: Instead of questioning survivors why it’s hard to leave abusive relationships, perhaps we should ask how abusers prevent them from leaving. Source: INDÍGENA / Adobe Stock
