Every week, I ask readers on social media to share their experiences of abuse or recovery so that their voices are heard. By listening to the victims, we deepen our understanding of their struggles. This insight helps us improve how we protect and support those impacted by similar challenges.
I invited readers to share their views on what they wish others understood about escaping an controlling and abusive relationship. Their answers reveal some of the most common misconceptions about what it is like to leave such a relationship.
“I wish people could understand that it’s not easy to leave.”
Over 90% of readers hoped others could understand that exiting an abusive relationship is not straightforward. They want others to comprehend the complexities and barriers they have faced when attempting to leave.
Many have been isolated from friends or family or feel trapped due to financial dependence on their abusers. Some fear retaliation or violence. Emotional manipulation often leads to trauma bonding, where victims become attached to their abusers. These complexities create a situation where leaving feels daunting and sometimes impossible.
Comments from readers reflect frustration with people’s inability to understand how difficult it is to leave:
- “I wish people could just understand and not think it’s so easy when they’ve never been there.”
- “People judge you and think you should have and could have left long ago. They don’t know what it’s really like.”
- “Others say ‘Just go,’ ‘it’s easy,’ ‘pack up and leave,’ ‘I would never put up that,’ ‘make a plan and follow through’…. If you haven’t been in an abusive relationship, don’t say this.”
- “I was told it’s easy, just leave, kick him out, divorce him… People need to understand that it’s not that easy.”
“No one just gets over it.”
Many people assume that leaving an abusive relationship leads to immediate relief and happiness. However, this is far from reality for most victims. The complex emotions tied to an abuser through trauma bonding can persist, causing survivors to grieve not only the relationship but also the dreams and stability they hoped for.
Victims often mourn the loss of what they wished their partner would be rather than the reality they lived. This grieving can be compared to mourning a death, where intense feelings of loss, regret, and confusion dominate their emotional landscape.
Victims do not simply “get over” their experiences; instead, they embark on a long path of healing and recovery. The societal expectation that life improves instantly after leaving an abusive situation fails to recognize the ongoing struggles that many victims face. This is what readers had to say:
- “It hurts worse than a family member dying. You go through emotions, regrets, and terrible pain.”
- “It feels like grieving a death.”
- “People think that there isn’t sadness, but there is.”
- “Some people assume that after you leave, life instantly gets better. After leaving, the work is just beginning!”
- “For years after the abuser is taken away, you still struggle with feelings of low self-worth, panic attacks, etc. No one just gets over it. You just learn to live with the fact that it happened and pick up the pieces of yourself as the years go by.”
“They don’t just leave you alone when you leave.”
Readers highlighted a common misunderstanding they encountered: the abuse stops when you leave. However, after separation, many abusers can’t tolerate the loss of control and may escalate their tactics to regain it. Victims then face a new phase known as post-separation abuse.
Abusers may use any means at their disposal to maintain influence over their former partners. This often involves using children as tools of manipulation, engaging in custody disputes, or child support proceedings. Abusers may also misuse legal systems to harass their victims. Victims might receive incessant calls, messages, or social media harassment aimed at intimidating or re-engaging them in the relationship. Financial abuse is also common.
Readers shared that they wish people knew that leaving the relationship doesn’t always stop the abuse:
- “People think they will leave you alone once you leave. They won’t!”
- “It doesn’t stop just like that. It keeps going on and on.”
- “Some people said to me, ‘Thank God that’s over,’ or ‘Finally, you can move on now.’ They don’t understand that it’s not over. My partner has been tormenting me ever since I left him.”
Readers’ comments highlight the complexities of escaping abuse and the prolonged impact on their lives. These insights underscore the need for greater understanding and empathy towards victims of abuse, stressing that leaving an abusive situation is rarely straightforward and does not immediately resolve the trauma that has been endured.
Featured image: Abuse victims want people to understand. Source: Vadym / Adobe Stock.
