Leaving domestic abuse is one of the most difficult and courageous decisions a person can make. Survivors often hope for compassion, support, and validation as they start to heal. Instead, many encounter dismissive or judgmental reactions that intensify their pain. These responses, which can even come from well-meaning individuals, reflect a lack of understanding about the complexities of abuse and its long-lasting effects.
This article examines some of the most harmful comments survivors endure, drawing on real survivor accounts. By highlighting these experiences, we aim to shed light on how victim-blaming attitudes and misconceptions can hinder recovery and offer guidance on supporting survivors more effectively.
“Just Move On”
One of the most common dismissive remarks survivors hear is, “Just move on.” This phrase trivializes the trauma, suggesting that recovery should be quick and effortless.
“Get over it and move forward. It is NOT that easy! It’s impossible to just get over this type of abuse,” one survivor shared. Abuse leaves deep emotional wounds, and healing is a lengthy, complex journey. Survivors need empathy and patience, not pressure to “move on.”
Another survivor recalled, “My dad told me to just let it go. It felt like he was brushing off everything I endured. Healing isn’t just about moving forward; it’s about untangling years of fear and pain.”
Victim-Blaming
Survivors often face comments that shift blame onto them for the abuse they endured. This victim-blaming reflects a poor understanding of the power dynamics inherent in abusive relationships.
“Why did you forget to take care of yourself? Maybe that’s why he cheated on you,” one survivor remembered being told while juggling work and caring for her sick mother and siblings. Such remarks dismiss trauma and compound feelings of guilt and shame.
Other survivors reported hearing, “What did you do to make him act that way?” or “No wonder he treated you like that.” These comments perpetuate harmful myths and invalidate survivors’ experiences.
“Why Didn’t You Leave?”
The question, “Why didn’t you leave sooner?” fails to recognize the significant barriers survivors face, including fear, manipulation, and financial dependence.
One survivor shared, “I couldn’t leave because I knew he’d find me. Every time I tried, he’d remind me of his ‘connectionsand how he’d track me down no matter where I went. I had to carefully plan every step, and even then, it felt like a gamble.”
Another explained, “It wasn’t about staying because I loved him; it was about survival. The more I resisted, the worse the abuse got. I stayed because I was afraid of what he’d do if I left.”
Victim-blaming questions shift focus away from the abuser’s actions and overlook the risks survivors face in trying to escape.
Dismissing the Severity of Abuse
Minimizing a survivor’s experiences with comments like, “It wasn’t that bad,” or “At least he didn’t hit you,” undermines the emotional and psychological toll of abuse.
“A friend said, ‘Well, he only yelled at you, right? It’s not like he was violent.’ They couldn’t understand how deeply the verbal and emotional abuse harmed me and made me feel smaller and smaller until I didn’t even recognize myself,” one survivor explained.
Another shared, “Someone told me, ‘At least you had a roof over your head.’ As if that made the constant surveillance and criticism any less damaging.” These statements invalidate survivors and reinforce misconceptions about the true nature of abuse.
Implying Shared Blame
Comments that imply shared blame, such as “Sorry things didn’t work out for you both,” can feel deeply hurtful.
“Sorry things didn’t work out…as if I had some level of participation in the destruction of my marriage,” one survivor said. “It’s yet another insult and dismissal that we somehow asked for this or had a hand in the fractured outcome of my now devastated life.”
Another recalled, “A mutual friend told me, ‘Relationships take two people to fail.’ Hearing that after everything I endured felt like being punched in the stomach—it completely ignored the abuse I suffered and put the blame on me.”
Undermining or Dismissing Experiences
Survivors often encounter disbelief or have their experiences undermined by those they trust. This can deepen feelings of isolation.
“I have several friends who still don’t fully comprehend how bad or dangerous it was for me,” one survivor shared. “The overarching theme of undermining my experience made me doubt my own experiences at a vulnerable time when I was still getting over being gaslit by him.”
Another individual shared, “I reported him to the police for strangulation, and the cop said, ‘You’re just making this up.’ They didn’t investigate. It made me feel so hopeless.”
These dismissals compound survivors’ trauma and erode their confidence in seeking help.
Betrayal by Friends and Family
The aftermath of abuse often reveals painful betrayals, as mutual friends or even family members side with the abuser.
“Mutual friends often try to straddle the fence between both of you, even when confronted with evidence of abuse,” one survivor explained. “You realize that anyone who can tolerate that behavior against their friend and still remain friends with the abuser was never really a friend.”
This betrayal intensifies survivors’ isolation and hinders their ability to rebuild a supportive network.
Pressures for Amicability
Survivors frequently face pressure to maintain a polite relationship with their abuser, even when it risks their safety. Comments like, “Can’t you try to be amicable?” or “Maybe now you can both heal,” disregard the ongoing harm and power dynamics at play.
One survivor recounted, “My mother asked if there was any way we could work it out for the kids. He had already chosen drugs, financial recklessness, and other women over his family. Hitting me was just the tip of the iceberg.”
Survivors need understanding, not pressure to appease their abuser for others’ comfort.
How to Truly Support Survivors
Supporting survivors starts with listening and offering empathy without judgment. Instead of minimizing or questioning their experiences, simply being present can make all the difference.
One survivor expressed, “I wish someone had just said, ‘You don’t have to explain anything. I’m here for you.’ That would’ve meant the world to me.” Validating their feelings and acknowledging their courage to leave is crucial. Phrases like, “What you went through was real, and it wasn’t your fault,” help combat the effects of victim-blaming and gaslighting.
Survivors have endured immense challenges. Genuine understanding and thoughtful support can make all the difference as they rebuild their lives and reclaim their sense of self.
Featured image: Victim-blaming responses. Source: fizkes / Adobe Stock.
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
