Many would agree that humor is an important element of any loving relationship. Having a laugh about each other’s quirks or giving each other playful nicknames are both fun ways to bond and build a deeper connection. However, some ‘jokes’ just aren’t funny.
If you’ve ever felt self-conscious when your partner makes a comment on your appearance that they claim was in jest, or been told that you’re ‘too sensitive’ when you get upset about their sarcastic remarks, your partner may be using jokes as a form of verbal abuse. This abusive behaviour is particularly difficult to detect, however it’s often the first sign of verbal abuse. So how can you know when your partner’s humor is crossing the line?
How to Recognise Verbal Abuse Disguised as Jokes
Abusive jokes are essentially insults or threats in disguise and are often used to put someone down and then make them doubt their own emotional responses. Such humor is designed to subtly increase the perpetrator’s power and control in the relationship.
However, the normality of jokes, sarcasm and humor in most relationships make jokes as a form of verbal abuse difficult to notice, making it important to understand the signs that your partner’s jokes have gone too far. Here are some of the warning signs to look out for:
Jokes in Public Settings
If your partner makes comments about your appearance, abilities, or personality in front of others, it can be both embarrassing and humiliating. They might say things like, “I’m surprised you didn’t mess that up, you usually do”.
They may also joke about you to others while you’re present. For example, they may say, “Their cooking is, well, let’s just say we keep the takeaway menus handy for a reason!”
If you appear uncomfortable or upset, they may publicly draw attention to your insecurities, laughing at your discomfort and calling you ‘too sensitive’ or ‘unable to take a joke’.
Abusive individuals will often downplay your reactions and use them as a way to undermine your feelings. This behavior can create a dynamic where you feel unable to speak up or challenge their remarks. They may also act like you’re crazy when you show your emotions, highlighting your response to the group and labelling it as ‘irrational’. This gaslighting is a particularly insidious tactic as it is a sign that they will use this as ammunition to turn others against you, should you ever challenge or confront their behaviour.
Using Jokes to Target Your Concerns or Vulnerabilities
Have you ever shared something that makes you uncomfortable or expressed a concern, only to have your partner make a joke about it? For example, you may have spoken out against sexism, and they’ve responded with comments like, “What would you know? Women just belong in the kitchen, right?” dismissing your values with negative humour.
Abusers will also use jokes or sarcasm to target your vulnerabilities. For example, if you confide in them about feeling insecure about your weight, they may later slip in a comment like, “Careful, you’ll tip the scales!” turning your vulnerability into the punchline of their joke. This is a clear example of verbal abuse disguised as a joke. Such behavior undermines your feelings and exploits your insecurities, allowing them to exert control and belittle you under the guise of humor.
Derogatory Pet Names
In her book, Living with the Dominator, Pat Craven, a qualified social worker and probation officer, describes how pet names can be a form of verbal abuse. These nicknames or so-called ‘terms of endearment’ may seem playful on the surface but often carry a negative undertone. Consider, for example, ‘little miss perfect’. While it might seem light-hearted at first, it can be used to belittle you, mocking your attention to detail or adherence to rules. Other examples include ‘My little helper,’ which implies you’re only capable of minor, insignificant tasks; ‘Big Shot,’ which dismisses you as overconfident; or ‘Giggles,’ which trivializes your laughter or happiness as silly or unimportant.
Your partner may even use sexual nicknames like “Baby Doll”, “Kitten”, or “Sexy Legs”, which make you feel uncomfortable or objectified. These are often names you’ve specifically asked them not to use. The continuous use of these derogatory nicknames signals that their ‘humor’ is a deliberate tactic to belittle you and assert dominance through emotional abuse.
Threatening Jokes
Threatening jokes are another disturbing form of verbal abuse disguised as a joke. This is where humor is used to intimidate or instill fear. These ‘jokes’ often involve violent scenarios or threats disguised as humor, which can leave the victim feeling scared and unsafe.
For instance, your partner might joke about pushing you off a cliff when you’re standing near a ledge, laughing it off as a harmless joke. However, later, when you’re alone, they might go into more detail, describing how they could make it look like an accident. In another example, a partner might pretend to throw a punch at you, stopping just short of hitting you, and then laugh, saying, “Relax, I was just kidding!”
These kinds of jokes are designed to keep you on edge, making you question your reactions and sense of safety. They blur the lines between humor and threat, using fear as a tool to exert control and maintain power over you.
Jokes, sarcasm, and humor should never make you feel uncomfortable or belittled. Real relationships are built on respect, empathy, and kindness. If you notice your partner’s jokes crossing the line and making you feel unsafe or devalued, trust your feelings and recognize these signs. Reach out to trusted friends or family for support and consider having a safety plan in place. Remember, you deserve to feel safe and respected in your relationship.
References
Craven, P. (2008). Living with the Dominator. Freedom Publishing, United Kingdom.
Graff, M. The Importance of Humor in Long-Term Relationships. Psychology Today.
Holly, K. J. (2023). Verbal Abuse Disguised as a Joke. Verbal Abuse Journals.
Featured image: Verbal abuse disguised as a joke. Source: Prostock-studio / Adobe Stock.
