Projection in abusive relationships is a defense mechanism where an individual shifts their own undesirable traits, emotions, or behaviors onto someone else. It’s a psychological tactic that serves as a powerful tool for manipulation, particularly in abusive relationships. It allows the abuser to deflect blame, avoid accountability, and maintain control over their victim.
While projection is not exclusive to any specific personality type, it’s particularly common in individuals with narcissistic tendencies. Such tendencies stem from deep-seated insecurities, causing individuals to employ projection to protect their fragile self-image by virtue of falsely convincing themselves and those around them that the negative actions and attributes that they possess actually belong to others.
Abusive individuals rely on projection to shield themselves from their personal guilt and responsibility, assigning their own flaws and misdeeds to others. They are unafraid of and devoid of the shame that comes with the hypocrisy they may be displaying. The tricky part is that although this manipulative tactic can be employed consciously by an abuser, it is frequently executed subconsciously, making it an extremely frustrating behavior for a victim to recognize and combat.
The information below will help you build your awareness and understanding of how and why abusive partners use projection as a manipulative tactic.
Why Abusers Use Projection
One of the main reasons narcissistic abusers use projection is to shield their vulnerable self-esteem. Instead of acknowledging their flaws or misdeeds, they often project them onto their victim, enabling them to maintain their distorted view of themselves as superior or blameless, whilst also subtly coercing their victim into needlessly questioning if they’re in the wrong.
One common example of how this plays out is through cheating accusations. An abusive partner might claim you’re being unfaithful, perhaps accusing you of being overly flirtatious with others, while they are being unfaithful. By switching the focus to your supposed actions, the abuser avoids confronting their own wrongdoing and diverts your attention to needlessly defending yourself. It keeps a victim off balance, trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and confusion, while the abuser remains unaccountable. But how else can projection in abusive relationships manifest?
How Projection can Manifest in Abusive Relationships
1. Accusing You of Dishonesty
As mentioned, cheating accusations are a particularly common example of projection in abusive relationships, however any irrational accusations of dishonesty may also be warning signs. If your partner accuses you of things you haven’t done, such as lying about where you’ve been, hiding money, or keeping secrets, these could all be examples of them projecting their own actions.
2. Criticizing Your Appearance
If your partner constantly criticizes your appearance, such as obsessively picking on and laughing at the shape of your nose or your stomach, it may be that they themselves struggle with self-esteem issues. In this case, they are attempting to project their insecurities onto you in a bid to make themselves feel better about their own lack of confidence.
3. Projecting Self-Hate
Your partner may accuse you of hating them, even when you do nothing but show them love and admiration. This could be an indication that they are projecting their own self-hatred onto you. This can be particularly confusing, as it can happen even when you are going above and beyond for your partner, leading you to feel as though all your efforts have gone unnoticed when, in reality, the issue lies solely with your partner.
4. Questioning Your Parenting Skills
If you have children with your partner, they may criticize your parenting style or unreasonably call you a bad parent even when you do more for the children than they do themselves. This may be a projection of their feelings toward their own shortcomings as a parent and a desperate attempt to deflect the blame and guilt.
5. Playing the Victim
Playing the victim is a common projection tactic. Here, your partner might label you as an abuser, focusing on your wrongdoings and even your behavior during instances of reactive abuse (better named ‘reactive defense’), while simultaneously ignoring their own abusive actions. They may make you feel guilty, successfully projecting their own shame onto you, totally blind to the fact that they are constantly abusing you.
This can be extremely confusing for a victim, as their abusive partner may accuse them of doing to them the exact things they are victims of. The abuser may even use buzzwords like projection and gaslighting themselves to turn the tables. As a result, the focus is shifted away from the abusers’ behaviour, leaving the victim to question their own perceptions and experiences.
Projection as a Pre-emptive Action
Another way abusers use projection is as pre-emptive actions. These occur when they feel threatened or fear that their flaws will be exposed. They will accuse you of being exactly what they fear being labelled as, such as selfish, unreliable, or manipulative.
For instance, if you call them out on breaking promises, they may flip the narrative and accuse you of being the selfish one. In their mind, it’s a form of defense and attacking you first is a way to protect their fragile ego.
Recognizing Projection and Protecting Yourself
Being the target of projection can be disorienting and emotionally draining, especially when the abuser constantly shifts blame onto you. Recognizing this tactic for what it is (a defense mechanism to protect their fragile sense of self) can be the first step in reclaiming control over your emotional well-being. In other words, you are not the problem!
If you suspect you’re dealing with projection in your relationship, consider the following strategies:
- Set clear boundaries: Limit your exposure to the abuser’s accusations and refuse to engage in their manipulative behavior.
- Stay grounded in your own reality: Trust your perceptions and feelings. Write things down if needed to keep track of events.
- Seek outside support: Friends, family, or a therapist can provide an objective perspective and help you identify abusive patterns.
Ultimately, projection in abusive relationships is a tool of control designed to keep you off-balance and ensure the abuser’s continued dominance. Recognizing it is the first step toward breaking free from its grip and reclaiming your sense of self-worth.
References
Cikanavicius, Darius (2017). 5 Ways Narcissists Project and Attack You. PsychCental.
Gillis, Kaytee (2023). Narcissistic Projection: 6 Examples & How to Respond. Choosing Therapy.
Featured image: Projection in abusive relationships. Source: Damir Khabirov / Adobe Stock
