Victims of domestic abuse are often asked, “Why don’t you just leave?” This question fails to acknowledge the complex dynamics of abusive relationships and overlook how deeply manipulation, fear, control, and financial constraints keep victims trapped.
Many people believe they would leave immediately if their partner harmed them. To an outsider, walking away seems like an obvious choice. However, leaving an abusive relationship is rarely just about physically exiting a shared space. It involves breaking free from a web of emotional, financial, and psychological control that an abuser has woven over time.
Below, 20 survivors share the challenges they faced when leaving an abusive relationship. Their voices reveal the complex barriers that kept them from escaping, showing that leaving is not a simple decision, but a deeply challenging and dangerous struggle.
1. Nowhere to Go
“I didn’t have anywhere else to go. No access to money, and no support network. My family was over two hours away, and I had no transport to get there. I felt completely trapped.”
2. Financial Abuse and Isolation
“He cut me off completely financially, isolated me from friends and family, and constantly asked, ‘How will you survive? You have nowhere to go.’ When my car broke down, he refused to fix it. I had to walk everywhere for nearly a year, feeling like a prisoner.”
3. Fear of Retaliation
“He threatened to kill my family if I left. He would go into great detail about how he would hurt them. In the end, he kept his awful promise and took his own life when I asked for a divorce. I stayed out of fear for so long, but he made sure I couldn’t leave without consequence.”
4. Fear of Losing Children
“I stayed because he threatened to take my child away if I left. He would say, ‘If you leave, you’ll never see him again,’ and I believed him.”
5. Trauma Bonding
“The trauma bond is real. I felt like I couldn’t live without him, even though he was destroying me. He had me convinced that leaving would be worse than staying.”
6. Hoping for Change
“I kept believing his promises to change. Every time he said, ‘I’m sorry. I’ll do better,’ I wanted so badly to believe him. But it was always the same cycle of abuse.”
7. Threats and Manipulation
“He would threaten to kill himself if I left. He’d say, ‘If you leave, it’s your fault I die.’ I stayed longer because I didn’t want that guilt on me, even though he was the one hurting me.”
8. Fear of Death
“He said the only way I’d leave was in a wooden box. He’d talk about slashing my face to bits. I truly believed he would kill me if I tried to leave, and I had three young kids to think about.”
9. Guilt and Shame
“He made me feel guilty for even considering leaving. ‘You’re breaking up our family,’ he’d say. I felt like I was failing as a partner and a mother, even though it was him destroying us.”
10. Love and Hope
“I loved him and hoped he would stop treating me badly. I thought if I could just be better—more patient, more loving—he would go back to being the man I fell in love with.”
11. Children as Pawns
“He used our children as a weapon against me. ‘If you leave, you’re abandoning them,’ he’d say. I didn’t want to lose them or have them think I didn’t love them enough to stay.”
12. Threats to Personal Safety
“Every time I tried to leave, he’d say, ‘If you ever leave, I’ll find you and make sure no one else can ever have you.’ It was a promise he made over and over, and I believed him.”
13. Self-Doubt and Gaslighting
“He gaslighted me so much I thought I was the problem. I truly believed I was the one who needed to change and that leaving would mean I’d failed.”
14. Emotional Manipulation
“He’d say, ‘If you loved me, you wouldn’t leave.’ I stayed because I wanted to prove that I was a good person who didn’t give up on people. I was wrong.”
15. False Hope and Lies
“I kept believing he’d change. He’d tell me he loved me and was sorry. I wanted to believe the lies so badly, and every time I thought about leaving, I’d remember the good times and hope they’d come back.”
16. Fear of Homelessness
“The threat of homelessness kept me there. I couldn’t afford to live on my own. If I left, where would I go?”
17. No Support Network
“I had no outside support—no family, no place to go that was less traumatic than staying. Plus, he controlled all the money, so even if I wanted to leave, I had nothing.”
18. Protecting Loved Ones
“I thought I was protecting my loved ones by staying. He said he’d hurt them if I left. I felt like I was shielding them, even though it meant sacrificing myself.”
19. Bond with Step-Children
“I stayed for his children. I loved them, and he made me feel like leaving meant abandoning them. I wanted to believe there was some good in him for their sake.”
20. Fear of Repercussions
“I was scared of what he’d do if I left or told anyone. He’d downplay the abuse if the cops came, and I knew I’d have to say anything to make them leave because I knew it would get worse once they were gone.”
Shifting the Focus: Why Doesn’t the Abuser Let Them Leave?
Instead of asking victims why they don’t “just leave”, we should be asking the abuser why they don’t “just stop abusing” and why they didn’t let them leave. Shifting the focus places responsibility back where it belongs—on the abuser’s behavior. This change in perspective helps highlight the true source of the problem and allows for a more compassionate approach to supporting victims.
There are numerous reasons why leaving an abusive partner is difficult. Therefore, instead of attributing blame to victims, exploring how we can support them is more constructive. Questions such as “How is your partner making it hard for you to leave?” or “What would help you to leave?” focus on solutions and understanding the mechanisms of control used by abusers.
Supporting victims effectively requires us to challenge our perceptions and the questions we ask about domestic abuse.
Featured image: Leaving an abusive relationship comes with many challenges. Source: BonzEarthsnapper / Adobe Stock.
